A Visit with Theodore

[snuffypuffer]

Here's a story I wrote one weekend, just based on this scene I had in my head. Let us know what you think.

Stan sat on the toilet, watching a slug crawl down the wall. He watched it go down, towards the floor, it’s eye stalks poking in and out as it went. He wondered, briefly, how it kept itself stuck onto the wall, figuring it had to be sticky somehow. He reached out to touch it, to see whether it was sticky or not, then drew his hand back, thinking it better to just leave the slug about its business.

He finished his own business, pausing to admire his handiwork, before flushing and heading back into his cousin Theodore’s cluttered living room. He found Theodore standing by the sofa, holding out a yellow plastic platter filled with food. He only made it up to Theodore’s every few months, since Stan lived in Tulsa and Theo was over in Ponca City.

“I have some sausage, and a variety of tasty cheeses.” said Theodore, as Stan took a seat on his old pine green sofa.

“Thanks.” Stan said, accepting the platter.

“Would you like a beverage?” Theodore tugged at the sides of his baggy blue jogging pants. “Perhaps some grape drink or ginger ale?”

“Grape juice is fine.” Stan knew better than to turn Theodore down. Theo had always been a little too sensitive, and since he’d had the breakdown, it was best to just go along with him.

Theodore clapped his hands and scurried off to the kitchen, leaving Stan to look around at his “treasure trove” as he called it. There were no electronics anywhere, just shelves everywhere. Stan could barely make out a bit of wood paneling where a tiny section of wall peeked out from all the clutter.

There were at least two shelves crammed full of books, some paperbacks, some hardcovers, many had no covers at all. The bottom of one shelf was completely occupied by a large box filled to overflowing with meticulously painted Dungeons and Dragons figures. There were figurines and assorted bric-a-brac shoved into every available niche. The whole place smelled like mold and litterbox.

As if reading his mind, Theodore’s obese orange cat Ulysses curled up into his lap. Great time to wear a black shirt, he was gonna have to get his lint brush out when he got home.

Theodore came back with a pair of glasses full of ginger ale. He handed one to Stan, then folded into his ratty old yellow recliner. He took just enough time to get comfortable, then stuck his hand right down the front of his pants. Once he got situated, he spoke.

“So I got an email from Ray, he sent me some pictures of his boy.”

Stan sighed and smiled, “Yeah.”

“Tragic looking child, isn’t it?” Stan really wished Theo would quit fiddling with himself while people were around. He just smiled meekly and took another piece of cheese.

“So there’s a lot of lesbians moving in around here.” Theodore said as he gave himself a good, thorough scratch.

“How do you know they’re lesbians?” Stan wondered if maybe he wasn’t just jumping to conclusions.

“Seeing a lot of rainbow bumper stickers at the store on the corner, and besides, I see them when I go inside.” He took a big pull of his ginger ale. “Ah, this town isn’t fashionable enough to support a decent sized gay community.”

Theodore ran his hand up his loose white t-shirt. “You liking the cheese? I got some camembert in there. That stuff isn’t supposed to be available here. It’s restricted because it’s not pasteurized.”

Stan decided he didn’t want any more cheese. He wondered how long he’d be able to go before Theo noticed he wasn’t eating any. He didn’t know which was the camembert and which wasn’t. The white stuff was good though. “What do you have against lesbians?” Might as well ask.

“Nothing. Except perhaps the tease factor.”

Stan arched his eyebrows. “Tease factor?”

“You see a lot of women around, you think you’re in a good place to meet people. Make the rounds, you know. Once you find out that many of them are of the gay persuasion, it just frustrates you.”

Stan had trouble picturing Theodore “making the rounds.” So much so that he nearly laughed out loud. He wondered if he kept his hand down his pants the whole time he did that.

Just keep smiling and nodding, he thought to himself. Eat the cheese. Don’t mention the smell.

The camembert had better not be the white cheese. That stuff was too good.

Theodore was looking thoughtfully up at the ceiling. “You ever wonder why the palms and soles of black people aren’t black too?” Stan grunted around a mouthful of cheese. “It’s like they’re spray-painted that way while down on all fours.”

“You got any crackers?” Stan hadn't really been paying attention.

“I have some saltines. Zesta, I believe.” He pronounced the “t” in “Zesta” like Stan’s seventh grade English teacher. Why he needed the brand name Stan had no idea.

He stared at the wall until Theodore came back from the kitchen. As Theo handed him the box of saltines, the great and terrible Zesta, emphasis on the “t,” Stan considered that Theodore had had his hand down his pants nearly the whole time he’d been there. Maybe he didn’t want the crackers so bad after all.

They’re in a box douchebag, Stan rationalized. He made himself a nice thick stack and began wolfing it down as Theodore prattled on about something. All Stan heard was a drone in the background. Something about string theory or stringed instruments, whatever, man.

**** it, he didn’t care if it was camembert or not, the white cheese was awesome.

Theodore must’ve found a spot he liked, because he was digging at it something fierce. “So the whole universe, in fact, is set to these harmonies. That’s the simplicity of it all. It’s all so beautifully connected.”

That’s right, Stan thought, beautifully connected. Like cat p*** and moldy cheese. Lovely, my friend, just lovely. Bring me more white cheese, and keep your string theories to yourself. If Theo started whacking off he was gonna have to leave. He was way too into the whole digging in the pants thing.

Stan started playing with Theo’s D&D figures, under the guise of admiring his paint jobs, of course. Theodore was going on about some character of his, an eleventh level cleric orc ranger or something. He held up a purple-robed, Friar Tuck like figure, proudly describing his make-believe adventures.

How did you end up being such a dyke? Stan didn’t know how they managed to be related.

“And then, we came to a village, which happened to be over run with troglodytes,” Theodore was almost giddy. Stan nodded and said “uh-huh” where appropriate. He didn’t actually care about what Theodore was saying, unless he could tell him where to get more of the white cheese.

Theodore pulled his hand out of his pants, took a long whiff, and said “Thanks so much for coming, Stanley.”

Stan asked about the white cheese, holding up a piece. Theodore gave him a blank look, then just shrugged. “Gouda, I think. It’s not hard to find.”

Then what was the camembert? Stan wondered. Ah, well, it was time to go. To be honest, he thought, it was nice to get away from the litterbox smell. Maybe Theodore would make friends with the slug in his bathroom.

©2004 Michael Brandon Carroll

[Kismit]

lol repeatedly, choked on a biscuit at least once, and was offended on so many levels , thank you Snuffy . Camembert is good .

Edited July 19, 2004 by Kismit

[AliceCoopersGirl]

Way to go Snuffs,thats a cool story.

Want to read more now.

[thebarman]

As pointlessly entertaining as so many other of your threads (that's meant as a compliment).

Superbly written and throughly enjoyable

[Falco Rex]

This story was clearly the product of a very disturbed mind. And that's why I loved it so much! Please write some more if you get a chance!

[snuffypuffer]

Well, thank you all very much. The scary thing is, I actually know a couple people like Theodore.

[Daughter of the Nine Moons]

LOL Snuffs, you made me laugh! I will never look at cheese quite the same way

Dot

Edited July 20, 2004 by Daughter of the Nine Moons

[Janiel]

im lost...

[Scorpius]

Easy to read. That's a good thing

I have no idea what Camembert tastes or even looks like--it's a type of cheese obviously as described in his story

I still want to know if he made friends with his slug ...I don't think your story should end right there. It sounds like the beginning of a greater novel.

[BurnSide]

So i finally got around to reading this.

I was more than pleasantly suprised. I don't think i've read anything like it before. And not just the slug or admiring his own handwork, it's sincerely VERY good and enjoyable.

Well done man!

[doomgirl]

I'll have to read it again when I'm not so sick with this cold, cause it freaked me out a little , but it was written very well

[The Cheat]

haha great work Snuffs ... a bit strange, but it held my interest the whole way

Edited August 4, 2004 by The Cheat

[Kryso]

Amazing snipit Snuffy... I can't find one thing wrong, not that I was looking too. One man can't be good at everything. But obvioulsy I'm wrong. Artist, poet and gifted writer - I present Snuffy.

The story flowed. It built on itself and took you futher into their little world. You felt like you were sat on the couch, watching this take place.

No guff mate, you have what it takes to go a long way.

I look forward to reading anything else you want to post.