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The Bad Advice Game

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Any television show presenting scientific evidence that crop circles are communications from other planets.

What is the best way to convince flying saucer enthusiasts that there is a difference between scientific evidence and what they think?

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What on earth are you on about? What they think IS scientific evidence ......... surely ............ isn't it? ;)

Tonight, when I meet up with my alien chums, I would like to take OverSword for a trip in their flying saucer. How do I persuade him to step inside it?

Edited by ouija ouija

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Paralysing beam is more SFic, but I believe in plastic string. So cheap and simple yet so very persuasive.

Instead of abducting unwilling and therefore panicky people, shouldn’t we start charging UFO enthusiasts for ship tours? With guides in costumes that fit earthling idea of what aliens look like?

Wait, that was something that asks for no further bad advice...

So, what do you think, what's the most efficient way to draw alien attention to you?

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Dress up as a cow and walk around the meadow aimlessly, chewing grass. You are bound to be abducted eventually and have your rectum, lips and tongue surgically removed and dumped back on the meadow.

Happy days and a win-win situation.

Should I buy one for my cat?

Do you think he would love it?

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To help your puss get used to, and fully enjoy, wearing his unicorn hat you will have to wear one too. (What a pair of d***-h**ds you will look ...... literally!).

Which Halloween costume will best suit me?

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No costume needed, come as you are.

swampmonster1.jpg

My neighbour is in to conspiracy theories, but his cat doesn't approve.

I think the cat might be an CIA agent who infiltrated my neighbours home to gather what he knows about JKF and Elvis being behind the Hoffa murder at Roswell, but I dont have any proof yet.

Doesn't he look a bit suspicious here or what?

The cat I mean.

Tinfoilkitty_zps2fa792a5.jpg

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No costume needed, come as you are.

swampmonster1.jpg

I am SO going to SUE you! What the heck do you think you were doing taking photos of me at my PRIVATE bathing area? Expect to hear from my lawyer DIRECTLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*takes a deep breath* *calms down a little* Okaaay ....... the problem with the neighbour and his cat: I suggest you get closer to them to get the truth of the situation, rather than just listening to neighbourhood tittle-tattle. Find an excuse for you and your cat to stay overnight at your neighbours house. If you both wear your inflatable 'unicorn horns'(lol!), I think your neighbour will find it easier to relate to you. Stay there as long as is necessary to get to the bottom of the conundrum(ignore gossiping neighbours ...... some people will make a scandal out of anything). You're right, that cat doesn't look at all at home in his little tin-foil hat.

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Bad advice that follows has written itself:

Keep up the good work, you two :D

What gift would soften ouija’s heart so she let us take a dip in her private bathing area? And come out of it possibly alive?

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A manicure and possibly a bikini-thong so she doesn't feel that naked in the swamp.

I lost my car keys down my aquarium full of piranhas, I'm late to work and have nothing to scoop them up with.

Should I through in my cat as distraction first before I put my hand down there?

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Of course, cats love fish.

My dog keeps chewing my slippers, even though she has chew toys, rawhide bone etc. How can I stop her from doing that?

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Pee in your shoes.

I bought this new hat, but I have a hard time understanding the instruction manual.

I dont want to look like an a$$-hat so maybe you can help me out?

129.jpg

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It clearly says "sombrero nueve" so you only have to wear it on your head for the first time. Later you can wear it any way you like, but once you crap in it, they suggest you don't step in it too, which is kind of obvious.

What would be good substitute for coffee?

Edited by Helen of Annoy

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Paint-thinner with some chocolate.

I'm thinking of buying a new DVD, but I wonder about this Religion-Free. Does that mean it comes with Satan instead?

Do I have to buy an exorcist as well?

5711.jpg

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Don’t be silly. If there’s no god, there’s no devil either.

So it doesn’t come with Satan, it comes with sort of still alive Chinese girl, they use them instead of styrofoam flakes or bubble wraps when they pack electronics anyway. Because they are cheaper and recyclable. Completely recyclable, mind you!

Speaking of bubble wraps and religion, is there some particularly religion-friendly way to reuse bubble wrap?

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Yes. Bubble wrapping can be used to line a baptismal font, to cushion the fall if a baby is dropped by a drunken priest.

Large polystyrene blocks are ideal for kneeling on during prayer or holy communion, or resting your head during sunday services.

How can I steal my neighbor's electricity?

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Put a bucket under one of his wall socket and let the electricity slowly seep out of it.

It should take an hour or two before your bucket is full, then you have a full bucket of electricity to use at your pleasure.

My cat has taken some martial art classes and now he is totally obnoxious and challenge me everyday to a fight.

How can I handle him?

lolcatsdotcomqc2oos4nrd7aymcl.jpg

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Just sprinkle catnip all around you before the fight, he'll be so distracted you will win every time.

The birds eat the seeds out of the birdfeeder so fast, I can't keep it filled up. What should I do?

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Shoot the birds! As a pacifist, I wouldn't normally advocate violence, but it's all for the best.

A blast on the beak from a Super Soaker should make the greedy little peckers think twice.

As you probably know, I have been stalking Kate Winslet for a few years. Is there a sure-fire way to gain her affection?

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Good grief, man! Why are you wasting your time on stalking? Just march straight up to the woman and say, " Hey! Kate baby, you and me ....... how about it?". And for goodness' sake, after all this time don't take 'no' for an answer ....... if all else fails and she's still dithering, just sling her over your shoulder and stride manfully back to your lair.

I'm in love with the postman :blush: ! How can I let him know how I feel? The only contact we have is when I hide behind the front door curtain, waiting for him to push letters through the door, then I quickly grab them and with a bit of luck our fingertips brush together :blush: :blush:

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You have to be faster. Definitely. Fast enough to catch the letter and instantly push it back out. He’ll pick it up and try to push it back in, you push back out, until you manage to grab his fingers. He will scream a little at that point, but don’t you worry, that’s natural. Now you can open the door, still holding his fingers with one hand in the letter opening, grab him by the belt with your other hand, now let his fingers go, not a second sooner and not a second later, and pull him inside the house. Slam the door. Lock them.

Take the key out and say: “Now you know how I feel about you.”

Now hand the key to him. It’s up to him – he can use it to unlock the door and you’ll never see him again, or, with a bit of luck, clever soft light and some pleasant but not strong scent in the air, he might swallow the key or at least toss it on the floor along with his huge bag.

How will we comfort ouija after her postman changes route, profession, hair style, name and continent?

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ROFLMAO-1.gif

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How will we comfort ouija after her postman changes route, profession, hair style, name and continent?

Register her on the uniformdating website, to find a more agreeable postman.

I would like a 'marriage of convenience'. How do I find someone convenient enough?

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Get a job at the Post Office, with luck someone will pull you through the door. They watch you deliver, you know that?

I need to improve fuel economy on my car. Any tried and true formulas out there?

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Let's see now ........... I haven't actually tried this myself, but several friends and relatives have and they say it works a treat. Decide exactly how much you want to pay on fuel per week and put exactly that amount in your tank. Carry on with your life as normal. When the fuel runs out before the end of the week, which it inevitably will, put your feet through the hole in the floor that you made earlier, and simply start running! A refinement to this is a hole on the passenger side too. People who've tried this say they love the fact that it also cuts down on gym fees, PLUS, there's none of that awful build-up to dragging yourself down to the gym when you'd really rather be slouched in front of the telly ........ you're just suddenly, without warning, catapulted into a full body workout! Brilliant!!

I'd love to do jogging as my exercise routine but after just a couple of steps I knock myself out with my size 48j chest. How can I get around this problem?

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Just wear a football helmet with a faceshield. So you don't look conspicuous, always wear a football jersey too.

I just stubbed my toe, and now my 2 year old daughter is running around saying all these cuss words. My wife will be home in an hour,

help me out here quick!

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