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The Bad Advice Game

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Tell your wife your daughter is probably possessed by a demon. Not only she swears, but you also saw her spin her head for 180 degrees, vomit and walk on all four. You told no lies there, you see. It’s very important never to lie to your wife because we can smell fear, lie, discounts, fake leather and few other things before we enter the room.

I'm looking for a creative way to tell when to stop boiling eggs. I want them soft boiled.

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I'm not sure that's a suitable question for a Family Forum :blush: . Maybe you could just have slightly cooler bathwater and not stay in it for too long.

What's a gentler way to be woken up than with an alarm clock?

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Having someone hold a mirror in front of your face and whisper: “No, not yet, she’s only sleeping.” repetitively, until you open your eyes and... see your eyes. In mirror foggy with your own breath. What? It would be bad if it was not foggy. But then you wouldn't open your eyes and that's the whole point of that experiment.

Anyway, what would be socially acceptable reaction to such wake-up?

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Hmmm, well, If that were me there would be no "socially acceptable" reaction. My reaction would be rude, crude and socially unaceptable.

But anyway...

How can I convince my little girl that Santa Clause and the Easter Bunny aren't real? They aren't are they?

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No, they're not real. The Easter Bunny and Santa Claus are fictional characters, invented purely to frighten children. Like the Child Catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, or Michael Jackson.

Is it ok for a man to send another man flowers for his birthday?

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Absolutely! Don’t forget a nice, heart-shaped card or even better, plush toy. Nothing speaks “friendship” like hot pink plush teddy with fire-engine red heart on his tummy does. Real ice-breaker for lengthy talk about your emotions.

I can’t afford new tyres, and those I have are completely bald. Suggestions?

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Tie some roadkill around your tyres to give you more grip. Anything with antlers or spikey bits, but no hedgehogs!

How can I rejuvenate past-the-use-by-date food?

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Aha, no hedgehogs... I wonder why. Anyway... Write new, fresher date over the old, unappetizing one.

Should I use the same technique to rejuvenate myself?

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Why not?

Take some tipp-ex to your birth certificate, and you will knock 10 or 20 years off your age!

Like magic.

I'm thinking of inviting 5000 people to my birthday party via an open invitation on facebook.

How can I keep the noise of the guests down to a minimum?

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Shoot all your neighbours so they won't complain about the noise. Do this immediately before your 'guests' begin to arrive ...... the police will never be able to pin the blame on you after 5,000 people have spent hours dancing all over the evidence.

I want to perform a DIY exorcism. Anybody have experience of this and can give advice?

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:D

Step into my office. I need to know few details, like what do you wish to exorcize out of whom, where do you want it relocated, what would you like to extort from cornered demon/demons, do you plan the subject to survive the procedure, how showy do you want it...

Generally, just be stern and arrogantly amused, you can bless the tap water yourself, large crucifixes are fine but personally, I prefer daggers. Do it at night, special effects lose half of their impact in day light.

Speaking of exorcisms and holy water, a co-worker of mine accidentally drove a demon out of himself by taking a sip of water from my bottle. Should I put the demon back, since he’s all lost and jerky all alone in his body? Or should I put him on e-bay?

Edit: put demon on e-bay, it's illegal to sell people... it is illegal still, right?

Edited by Helen of Annoy
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Demons have to be bottled, corked, and labelled.

Selling loose demons is impractical, and against ebay's T&Cs.

What is the best way to find a hoard of roman coins?

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Museums keep them, and private collectors too. Duh.

If you happen to accidentally find them while looking for something else in a museum or collector’s house, it will count as a finding, not – god forfend - stealing.

I’m rewriting my last will, how many separate versions, dated on the same day, should I make to ensure the legal battle after I’m dead will last approximately forever? Or I should not do that?

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You should write as many wills as it takes! all written on the same date, and witnessed by the same homeless person. Remember to include family, friends, neighbours, charities, etc, and only keep photocopies, never originals.

What is the best way to deter unwanted visitors at the front door?

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A turd on your doormat, or a condom on the door handle.

Or if you have few years to spend leisurely, on government expense, simply connect your door handle to the nearest electric socket. Use insulated wire if you’re an alcoholic or naturally clumsy person.

I’m looking for a new and amusing way to mark my keys so I can find right one, even in the dark, if possible.

Edited by Helen of Annoy

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I’m looking for a new and amusing way to mark my keys so I can find right one, even in the dark, if possible.

Tie all your key's onto the tails of your many cats...

upside...This eliminates the need for key rings & key hooks.. Keys that come when called! :w00t:

downside... lot's of scratches in the paintwork if you accicentally leave the key in the door. :unsure2:

My neighbours Dog keeps barking at all night and deficating on the lawn. Any suggestions on stoping this?

Edited by Professor T
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A bone with superglue on it will stop the barking, and eventually the deficating too.

I can't help but wonder who will be the next President. What should I do to help me decide this matter?

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Toss a coin. You vote matters, but who will be elected in the end doesn’t matter at all. Or start viewing elections the same way you view various Miss-This-Or-That... the process is essentially the same.

I think I became allergic to my workplace. What should I do?

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Any allergens should be avoided so therefore you must not go to work. Or you could try some kinda suit to keep the skin covered and breathing apparatus..

I've decided I don't like one of my friends any more as they are mean.. Should I tell them?

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Yes, but not directly.

Tell to all your other friends how and why you don’t like that mean one. People love being talked about behind their backs, that makes them feel important. (Well, that is partially true, you know.)

I often think before I write something. How do I stop that strange behaviour?

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Stop posting idiotic garbage like this! See? I posted before I thought, now you try.

My cat think my toes under the cover are something for him to attack. What is the remedy for this?

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My cat think my toes under the cover are something for him to attack. What is the remedy for this?

The way I see it, you only have only two options here.

Option # 1, Have your cat's teeth and claws removed...

Option # 2, Have your toes removed..

I have a terrible case of flatuence.. Any remedies?

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I have a terrible case of flatuence.. Any remedies?

Eat a lot of cheese and dates, blended together into a 'smoothie'.

My friends don't like me. Any advice?

Edited by Likely Guy
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My friends don't like me. Any advice?

Hmmm, 3 stage plan for this one..

1.. Nail your tolet doors shut.

2.. Cook a huge stew laced with laxitives..

3.. Invite your friends over for dinner..

4.. When the laxitives kick in, ring for a portaloo, and they will love you for your quick thinking!!

I have a strange fixation on toilet seats.. Any Idea how I can overcome this?

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Saturation. Also called over-exposure. Install toilet seats on your chairs, arrange all your flower pots in and around toilet seats, if you have a garden - plant flowers and smaller shrubs in several toilet bowls, complete with seats, of course, replace garden gnomes with toilet bowls or arrange them in and around toilets (imagine the creative potential there!), put one over your computer and TV screen so you don’t have to turn them off, just put the lid down, replace the spy hole in your front door with a toilet seat, if you have cat or dog flap replace it with toilet seat too, if you don’t it’s time to get one, put your toaster in a box with toilet seat on top, you’ll know the toast was done when it bangs against the lid, then a toilet seat is perfect lamp shade, you can easily adjust the amount of light by putting it up or down... don’t stop at interior decoration, put toilet seats on your car seats too, make a skateboard out of one, make a briefcase out of two toilet seats glued together... wear one as a necklace, or a hat, or both... go all the way and use seats with fluffy covers in screaming colours... learn to dance flamenco and use smaller scale toilet seat models instead of castanets... I forgot to say you can not only put toilet seats on your chairs, you can easily make a chair out of toilet seat or, if you’re not into carpentry, simply put whole bowls with seats around coffee table and arrange toilet paper rolls instead of magazines on it... carve Halloween pumpkin and seat it on one of your outdoor bowls or replace a pumpkin with eerily painted toilet seat that will remotely operated snap at passers-by, showing teeth you can make out of plastic cups...

This crap will give me nightmares, what image do you suggest for me to flush the snapping, toothy toilet seat out of my mind?

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