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The Bad Advice Game

2,317 posts in this topic

:nw: :nw: :nw: :nw: :nw: :nw: :nw: :nw: My God! :nw: :nw: :nw: :nw: :nw: :nw: :nw: :nw:

I Actually do have a fixation on toilet seats! This is the best thing I have ever read!!! Awesome!!!

This has given me so many cool Ideas! thanks heaps! 5 likes for you!

Edited by Professor T

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See, that’s the bad advice of the year: give Helen of Annoy loads of likes and actually follow her advices :lol:

I should add that port-a-potty or two would be perfect wardrobes. Or hilarious mask on your front door. Keep your original door, only fasten port-a-potty door over them. You can also make an ikebana using toilet brushes and plungers. Lasts longer than usual flower arrangement and goes perfectly with your new furniture.

How can I make my brain put as much effort in solving real problems as it happily puts into toilets?

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Well. for starters you need to stop responding to Professor T's post. The "T" obviously stands for toilet. And then you need to go and by all

kinds of puzzle books, like word search, sudoku, crosswords, etc.. those will take your mind off the toilets. You can even keep them in the

bathroom when your on the toilet, just don't become so focused on those you forget to flush or wipe.

My inlaws are coming for dinner, and I really don't want them to stay long. What should I cook or do so they leave quick?

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It's simple. Mark your territory with your urine. Make sure to leave in all of the important places, the front door, the kitchen, your seat on the couch, your bedroom, etc. They will quickly get the message that this is you're territory and they should leave.

My dog is getting old. What should I do about keeping him healthy?

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a beer a day keeps the vet away..

this feral girl is stalking me, everywhere i go she is watching me, what should i do?. the cops just laugh at me?

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Stop being such a wuss! March straight up to her, stand as close as possible and just stare at her .... no blinking, although the occasional wink would probably spook her. When she eventually walks away, follow her very closely, close enough to step on her heels sometimes. When she gets to her home, stick close and dodge in the door with her ....... I think by this point she won't be thinking of bothering you again, huh?!

I think I'm going to take the plunge this winter and hibernate! How can I stop nosey neighbours, friends, relatives from constantly waking me up to check that I'm not dead?

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By making them think you are dead. Have your obituary printed. Make it reads you died somewhere abroad, like Maldives or Pušća Donja to explain why there’s no body or funeral or whatnot. You’ll have perfect peace and quiet all winter long plus a chance to make legendary surprise in spring. Have your camera ready when you go out after hibernation.

I wanted my body to be left in the woods - after I die, of course, but now I want to have a grave so it can be used for Halloween pranks. With my written permission. Then again, I also find funeral pyre very stylish and meaningful. So what should I choose?

Edited by Helen of Annoy

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By making them think you are dead. Have your obituary printed. Make it reads you died somewhere abroad, like Maldives or Pušća Donja to explain why there’s no body or funeral or whatnot. You’ll have perfect peace and quiet all winter long plus a chance to make legendary surprise in spring. Have your camera ready when you go out after hibernation.

I wanted my body to be left in the woods - after I die, of course, but now I want to have a grave so it can be used for Halloween pranks. With my written permission. Then again, I also find funeral pyre very stylish and meaningful. So what should I choose?

Win the lotto and get strobe lights, a disco ball, and a coffin in the shape of one of those drag racing mobiles, plus a fog machine of course! One of my best friends is getting married and I'm the maid of honor...what's that perfect gift for the bride-to-be?

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Spoons!

She can eat from them, play them between her knees, and even invite them to dinner!

I live such a dull, sexless, miserable existance, I am thinking of becoming a monk.

How can I get the hair-do?

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A dollop of sterno, atop the head. Light with a wooden match for best results.

How can I find a way to make more money before the shopping season is over?

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File your taxes!

You will almost certainly be due a refund.

I'm thinking of becoming French. How can I achieve my goal?

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Draw a thin mustache on and eat a TON of raw snails while complaining about everything!

What is the best cure for an itchy eye?

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Strong mustard, applied freely, will effectively cauterize your optic nerve, thus rendering your eyes dormant and trouble-free!

I'm thinking of becoming inverse-vegan.

How can i make lentils with more meat in them?

.

Edited by acute alan
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Find an insect species willing to spend their larva stage in lentils. That should make them rich in protein. If that doesn’t help, leave raw steak on kitchen counter. It will keep bearing handfuls of maggots that you can freely mix with your lentils.

It’s totally like growing your own sprouts, only easier, and totally like substituting a portion of meat with soya, only inverse. Just how you like it.

How can you tell if your fleas are wild or circus fleas?

Edited by Helen of Annoy

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Cut the power to their amps.

If they carry on singing, they are 'show' fleas from the circus.

I'm thinking of opting out of my time zone.

Which daily event should I syncronize with?

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Changing of the Guard at the Greek Parliament.

Is it possible to sit at two chairs at the same time? Difficulty: the chairs are not in the same time zone. Practical solutions only, please.

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Human Bisection.

How can I avoid Carolers?

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A couple of these should do the trick....

snarling-dog.jpg

How do I tell Mrs.Ealdwita that her Coffee is terrible? (without me losing any teeth, that it!)

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My advice to people in this thread is very often: 'Don't beat around the bush. Tell it to 'em straight. Don't sugar the pill'. All this is the best advice for you now so that only leaves the question: 'What kind of physical protection are you going to wear?'. If Mrs.E. is the type of lady to hold a grudge for as long as possible then comfort and flexibility will be your main consideration as you will be wearing your 'armour' 24/7 for some time ...... Good Luck :tu:

I am beginning to notice early signs of dementia in myself .... how can I hide this from other people?

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The best thing to do would be to isolate yourself from other people by adopting a hermit-like existence.

Live on your own, in a village in the middle of nowhere, only interact via the internet, and free the mailman you abducted.

I am seeking a low-fat replacement for Danish Blue cheese. Any ideas?

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Danish children.

How do I rid my house of spiders?

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Keep at least 12 kookaburras as pets - they love eating spiders.

How do I know when I should change the tyres on my car?

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You're fine until they come and knock at your door and ask you to change them. Oh and please go over the bed of nails, the tyres like that

I'm so cold. How do I keep myself warm?

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Physical activity, of course. It will warm you up in no time.

Simply don’t breathe while you are for any reason sitting down. Get up and go outside to take each breath. That routine should keep you warm and even if you forget to go outside to take a breath, you won’t feel cold since you’ll be temporarily unconscious.

I’m almost conscious on random short occasions, how do I avoid that?

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Here take this mallet . Hit yourself with it repeatedly

I want to drink hot coco, but I don't have milk at home

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