Join the Unexplained Mysteries community today! It's free and setting up an account only takes a moment.
- Sign In or Create Account -
Sign in to follow this  
Followers 2
Guest Untitled_

Divorce, loss, and starting over.

66 posts in this topic

Hey thanks...but she called today to tell me that she and our son are moving to Texas in a month. I live in Vermont. Pretty much killed me...not sure while I'll be getting up in the morning next month. Seems all too much...

Hey J.P. I am going to go left of centre and offer something that YOU need right now which is not related to legal proceedings or the divorce per se. Get out of the house, you love to talk and share your feelings so join a group, maybe something like Tae Kwon Doe or Yoga or Tai Chi, perhaps meditation. Usually these types of groups include a bunch of people who also love to share their feelings and listen too. I don't know if you have a spiritual side - but it doesn't matter, we have an atheist in my meditation group who just happens to be open minded and likes the mind exercise of meditation practice. You need to have a little less time with nothing but your own thoughts and there are safe social environments for you, have a look around and see what makes you comfortable.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey thanks...but she called today to tell me that she and our son are moving to Texas in a month. I live in Vermont. Pretty much killed me...not sure while I'll be getting up in the morning next month. Seems all too much...

You seriously need a lawyer. Your state may be different, but I'm pretty sure in most states a parent cannot move a child to another state without the other parents consent.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey thanks...but she called today to tell me that she and our son are moving to Texas in a month. I live in Vermont. Pretty much killed me...not sure while I'll be getting up in the morning next month. Seems all too much...

Dude, you need a lawyer IMMEDIATELY. Tomorrow morning, get up, go to the attorney's office and stop that move. It won't take much. She can't take your kid out of state and that will be the first thing your lawyer does, he'll stop her from taking him out of state, or even to another town. Priority one. Go get an attorney! Get the car back and keep your kid in Vermont! You can't make that happen unless you have a lawyer.

If she leaves the state and takes the kid with her before you have a lawyer, it will be VERY hard to get them back. You should flle for the divorce first as well. That means that court will have to happen in Vermont, not Texas. If she files in Texas, you could find yourself having to go there to end this mess. Just end it dude... get a lawyer and end it. She's not coming back. Get your fair share, and your CHILD!

Edited by MissMelsWell

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Dude, you need a lawyer IMMEDIATELY. Tomorrow morning, get up, go to the attorney's office and stop that move. It won't take much. She can't take your kid out of state and that will be the first thing your lawyer does, he'll stop her from taking him out of state, or even to another town. Priority one. Go get an attorney! Get the car back and keep your kid in Vermont! You can't make that happen unless you have a lawyer.

If she leaves the state and takes the kid with her before you have a lawyer, it will be VERY hard to get them back. You should flle for the divorce first as well. That means that court will have to happen in Vermont, not Texas. If she files in Texas, you could find yourself having to go there to end this mess. Just end it dude... get a lawyer and end it. She's not coming back. Get your fair share, and your CHILD!

I have been avoiding this but...I have no money guys/girls! I am living with my parents and have no job. I can't afford a lawyer! Plus he doesn't know yet and when she tells him I know he'll put up a fight, then I can jump in. What if he wants to go??? I have to do right by him...right?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I have been avoiding this but...I have no money guys/girls! I am living with my parents and have no job. I can't afford a lawyer! Plus he doesn't know yet and when she tells him I know he'll put up a fight, then I can jump in. What if he wants to go??? I have to do right by him...right?

Don't be reactive, be proactive. I am not sure about the US, but in Canada, the lawyers have to do so much pro-bono work per year. Go see as many lawyers as you have to to get one who will help you.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Don't be reactive, be proactive. I am not sure about the US, but in Canada, the lawyers have to do so much pro-bono work per year. Go see as many lawyers as you have to to get one who will help you.

So noone sees my point of view on this? A lawyer? Really? That means war, even if that's not your intention. If my son says "no" to the move then that should be when I lawyer up in my eyes. I realize what you all are saying but that feels hostile to me and after that there is no going back. I'm afraid (and there are reasons for my fear). I'm not without faults and they could ruin my chances in a court situation. Please keep the advise coming...I'm not ignoring you all! Just so afraid to lose the only person I have left in my life.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I have been avoiding this but...I have no money guys/girls! I am living with my parents and have no job. I can't afford a lawyer! Plus he doesn't know yet and when she tells him I know he'll put up a fight, then I can jump in. What if he wants to go??? I have to do right by him...right?

DIvorce lawyers are totally understanding of that... they work with people who don't have jobs all the time. A lot of them will take small monthly payments for an eternity. Just do it. Start calling tomorrow. You WILL absolutely regret it if you do not. And it doesn't matter if the boy wants to go or not. He needs his father, and he's just a boy, he doesn't know what's best for him.

They also know it's their job to split assets between you and your wife... they'll often delay or base payment on that as well.

Know that several of us have been through a divorce before... we're giving advice based on experience.

Edited by MissMelsWell

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

DIvorce lawyers are totally understanding of that... they work with people who don't have jobs all the time. A lot of them will take small monthly payments for an eternity. Just do it. Start calling tomorrow. You WILL absolutely regret it if you do not. And it doesn't matter if the boy wants to go or not. He needs his father, and he's just a boy, he doesn't know what's best for him.

They also know it's their job to split assets between you and your wife... they'll often delay or base payment on that as well.

Know that several of us have been through a divorce before... we're giving advice based on experience.

Awww man this is killing me. I just want to be happy. I just want a partner and to end this loneliness.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Awww man this is killing me. I just want to be happy. I just want a partner and to end this loneliness.

And you will find that, most likely sooner than you think... It may seem like doom and gloom for now.. But trust me.. it will change.. When you least expect it.. One day soon you will sit and think WOW I am happy again ..

So keep your chin up... you can get through it

In the meantime.. perhaps get a dog? I know that is not a substitute for a partner.. But a Dog will keep you occupied and great company until you feel ready for a new partner... And who knows, you might meet a dog lover...And it can be what breaks the ice..

Edited by Beckys_Mom

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

So unfortunately, you're not going to be happy right now, and you'll likely remain lonely for a while. Learn to live with yourself without a partner, you can't be happy with a partner until you're happy alone. It's an old cliche but it's SO true. Divorce sucks. it's not a happy time, but it is a time where you have to knuckle down and do the right things. If you do not do this right, you could potentially ruin your life for many years to come. Don't let that happen. I'm dead serious.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

So unfortunately, you're not going to be happy right now, and you'll likely remain lonely for a while. Learn to live with yourself without a partner, you can't be happy with a partner until you're happy alone. It's an old cliche but it's SO true. Divorce sucks. it's not a happy time, but it is a time where you have to knuckle down and do the right things. If you do not do this right, you could potentially ruin your life for many years to come. Don't let that happen. I'm dead serious.

My son looked me in the eyes tonight and told me that he wanted to move. Game over.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

DIvorce lawyers are totally understanding of that... they work with people who don't have jobs all the time. A lot of them will take small monthly payments for an eternity. Just do it. Start calling tomorrow. You WILL absolutely regret it if you do not. And it doesn't matter if the boy wants to go or not. He needs his father, and he's just a boy, he doesn't know what's best for him.

They also know it's their job to split assets between you and your wife... they'll often delay or base payment on that as well.

Know that several of us have been through a divorce before... we're giving advice based on experience.

^^ This.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My son looked me in the eyes tonight and told me that he wanted to move. Game over.

I don't like to make enemies, but I"m going to be tough on you here because I think you might need someone to be tough. He's a little kid... he should not be making these decisions or telling you what he wants. That is your job as a parent. It is your job to keep your son near you... and the law and a half assed attorney will make sure he stays near you. If he moves, it's ALL your fault. You can blame yourself for not raising your kid. And, you allowing him to move will damage him. Again, that will be your fault. Is that what you really want? If you want this kid near you and you want to be his father... march your butt down to a lawyer yesterday and stop it! Who cares what the kid wants? It's about what the kid NEEDS ... he needs his father. You're about the make the biggest mistake of your life. Someome had to tell you. I'm sorry it was me though.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't like to make enemies, but I"m going to be tough on you here because I think you might need someone to be tough. He's a little kid... he should not be making these decisions or telling you what he wants. That is your job as a parent. It is your job to keep your son near you... and the law and a half assed attorney will make sure he stays near you. If he moves, it's ALL your fault. You can blame yourself for not raising your kid. And, you allowing him to move will damage him. Again, that will be your fault. Is that what you really want? If you want this kid near you and you want to be his father... march your butt down to a lawyer yesterday and stop it! Who cares what the kid wants? It's about what the kid NEEDS ... he needs his father. You're about the make the biggest mistake of your life. Someome had to tell you. I'm sorry it was me though.

You have not made an enemy MissMelsWell. I understand and agree with alot of what you have said. I have left some things out though. Besides the pending divorce and their move I have gone through alot. My grandfather just died, I lost my job, I'm about to lose my apartment, someone I know was told (today) that they have cancer and has 6 months to a year to live. I'm a complete mess and in the past have turned time and again to pills and drinking to cope. My sons mother doesn't want to leave him with someone so unstable and I agree. I am not ok. If I kept him here (which he doesn't want) would I be able to maintain a stable place for him? I doubt it. I have alot that I need to fix with myself and maybe this is my chance to do it without anyone getting in the way. It pains me to no end that he is leaving...but I have to accept that it's for the best now. Later he may choose to come back and live with me and I want a place for him if that happens. Agree or not you are all helping me think about what I need to do. I appreciate any advice because this is a hard time and minds change. I do have a lawyer on hold for now.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It seems like you are holding out for a miracle that will probably not happen. You are still in shock, and this may be why you haven't taken action yet. The past is gone and you will have to learn to build a new foundation for your life. If you can't do it for your own sake, do it for your son. It is in his best interest to have a happy, prosperous, and well-adjusted father. Everyone who knows you will benefit as well.

You should make a written list of things to do in order to improve your living situation. This could be done with the help of someone you trust. Each day, try to accomplish something on the list.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It seems like you are holding out for a miracle that will probably not happen. You are still in shock, and this may be why you haven't taken action yet. The past is gone and you will have to learn to build a new foundation for your life. If you can't do it for your own sake, do it for your son. It is in his best interest to have a happy, prosperous, and well-adjusted father. Everyone who knows you will benefit as well.

You should make a written list of things to do in order to improve your living situation. This could be done with the help of someone you trust. Each day, try to accomplish something on the list.

You're right, I am in shock. I like the list idea alot...but where do I start?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You should make a written list of things to do in order to improve your living situation. This could be done with the help of someone you trust. Each day, try to accomplish something on the list.

Setting goals would definitely be helpful, even if they are small ones. When my wife walked out after 15 years, I was wreck for the first few weeks. However, I had to give a major work-related presentation, so I poured my focus into that. Afterwards, I made an effort to do some things for myself that I couldn't do before such as choosing my own television shows to watch and going to a bookstore. (My ex-wife is a controlling personality).

You do need to get yourself in order, not just for your son, but for YOU. Don't let self-doubt or despair occupy your thoughts. They take root and grow like weeds. Mow them down and concentrate on positive things. It'll probably feel fake at first, but over time it will improve. Hugs to ya, bro.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You're right, I am in shock. I like the list idea alot...but where do I start?

Might not be a bad idea to start with things you are already doing or are relatively easy to work in. Positive things like.. If you eat breakfast every morning, include the word healthy and put it down. If you are looking online or locally for work, put that down. It could even be things like "don't take a pill to help me fall asleep tonight.". Other things could be take a moment to look at the trees around me today, and notice as spring is coming. You could include things like smile at a stranger, pick up and properly dispose of a piece of litter, write down one positive thing, or read a positive quote. Perhaps listen to a different song that puts you in a good place every day.

Sometimes writing down some stuff you are already doing can hearten you and remind you not to stop doing those good things.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Not making alot of progress with the "good deeds" end of things since I'm stranded at my Mom's about 4-5 miles from any town. I'm in the woods on a dirt road.

Starting to feel alittle better about things and you all have been so great with advice. One thing I can say is the sky is so beautiful outside of town. I saw the stars last night like I havn't in years. Plus there are animals everywhere! I enjoy watching deer play and eat. I'm not the type to ever shoot one either. Never hunted and never will unless I needed to. Anyways, just saying what's positive today...for a change.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Been through it twice. They say they want to be friends and keep everything civil, until the instant they walkout the door. Then they instantly hate you. It's very strange, lol. Don't give an inch. Don't think being nice to them will help, or sort things out. They are after your jugular. Or that might just be the effect I have on the ex's :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Well, I went over to the old apartment on Saturday to pick up my son and to go over the divorce papers. We started filling stuff out but it wasn't long before it got heated and I ended up leaving without finishing the paperwork. She told me that she's moving away on March 9th which is so close that it's just freaking me out. My son came over for what was going to be a 2 night visit but his alergies were so bad by day 2 that he had to leave early. What a bummer. I've been talking to a lawyer about keeping him here but since I don't have a job or my own place (living with parents who have pets so it's bad) it doesn't seem likely that he'd get to stay. I just know that the day they leave it's going to kill me. Don't know what to do anymore. Feeling pretty scared about life in general.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I just know that the day they leave it's going to kill me. Don't know what to do anymore. Feeling pretty scared about life in general.

You don't know me but I and others have been reading your posts. I can't really offer any advice or help but I hope things work out for you. You post heartfelt pain and I hear you.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You don't know me but I and others have been reading your posts. I can't really offer any advice or help but I hope things work out for you. You post heartfelt pain and I hear you.

Thank you, that means alot. Every time I post I think "why are you telling a bunch of strangers about your personal problems?". I often feel bad that I'm burdening everyone. I have always prefered to talk about stuff instead of keeping it inside.

To be honest I've lost contact with everyone I use to be friends with and this site is the only place I can get stuff off my chest. All I know is that venting is good for my soul and I appreciate everyone putting up with my doing so.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you, that means alot. Every time I post I think "why are you telling a bunch of strangers about your personal problems?". I often feel bad that I'm burdening everyone. I have always prefered to talk about stuff instead of keeping it inside.

To be honest I've lost contact with everyone I use to be friends with and this site is the only place I can get stuff off my chest. All I know is that venting is good for my soul and I appreciate everyone putting up with my doing so.

Find a different lawyer... most states won't allow a parent to take a child out of state without a mutually agreed upon custody plan in place... if they do... it's parental abduction and taken very very seriously. Also, if she does leave before the paper work is complete, she'll have to come back to your present location to complete it all. Every meeting, every mediation, every court date... remind her of that. If she doesn't come back for those kinds of things (whcih could be frequent) she could find herself in contempt.

Your lawyer isn't doing you any big favors right now. Find a different one.

Edited by MissMelsWell

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Well, I havn't been posting because amid all this chaos my mother has taken ill and been hospitalized twice. Yesterday she almost died. The doctors said that she had a large ulcer burst and had severe internal bleeding. They said it's due to stress and I feel like it's my fault because of this divorce and everything. What next?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  
Followers 2

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.