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DingoLingo

To the citizens of the USA

38 posts in this topic

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron , will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside ofAmerica. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

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:w00t:

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Should I be irked,or laugh.I'm not sure.

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VB8a6.jpg?1

:)

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Excellent idea.

It's about time we took back the colonies!

We can scrap Thanksgiving, and make them eat turkey at Christmas.

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YEAHHHH!!! Let's bash another country for no apparent reason!

I hope it made you feel better.

As for me, it just made me shake my head to think that the people who lost the first go-round, and don't have any guns now think that they would be able to implement anything against an Americans' will. Good luck with that. My guess is that if you try, you'll be drinking coffee and driving SUV's before you know what hit you.

Tea time? Pffft. :rolleyes:

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You're right in the fact that we've been electing some incompetent presidents.

( Just keep in mind, we have many incompetent voters )

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This from a country that still has a Queen. And you talk about our political system have you ever watched your house of commons on cspan? Need I say more?

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Grins

This is the one thing I love about you americans.. You bite so well.. Seriously guys.. it was a joke.. America will become a great country.. when it can laugh at itself..

Us Aussies and our Pommie Brethren learned to laugh at our own country.. politicians and religious persuasions years ago.. We will take the micky out of anything.. You americans.. take everything so seriously.. Learn to sit back.. and relax..

Psst.. Fluffy.. look at how many rich people over your way.. are trying to buy titles etc.. to become certified nobility in europe.. You lot over there love the royals as much as we do.. your all closet monarchist's

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Grins

This is the one thing I love about you americans.. You bite so well.. Seriously guys.. it was a joke.. America will become a great country.. when it can laugh at itself..

Us Aussies and our Pommie Brethren learned to laugh at our own country.. politicians and religious persuasions years ago.. We will take the micky out of anything.. You americans.. take everything so seriously.. Learn to sit back.. and relax..

Psst.. Fluffy.. look at how many rich people over your way.. are trying to buy titles etc.. to become certified nobility in europe.. You lot over there love the royals as much as we do.. your all closet monarchist's

Some are. Most aren't. Many of us just feel sorry for a country that feels the need to pay for an entire family with no real power. That's one hell of an expensive tradition.

cormac

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Some are. Most aren't. Many of us just feel sorry for a country that feels the need to pay for an entire family with no real power. That's one hell of an expensive tradition.

cormac

Well I dont mind paying for a bit of history to be kept going. And not just 200 years of it lol.

Anyway, as the OP has said. It's just a bit of fun and should be taken in the light it was meant in :)

Have a nice day y'all :P

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YEAHHHH!!! Let's bash another country for no apparent reason!

I hope it made you feel better.

As for me, it just made me shake my head to think that the people who lost the first go-round, and don't have any guns now think that they would be able to implement anything against an Americans' will. Good luck with that. My guess is that if you try, you'll be drinking coffee and driving SUV's before you know what hit you.

Tea time? Pffft. :rolleyes:

I think someone just had a sense of humour malfunction. (Note the 'u' in humour)

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They say British humour is not for Germans. Seems like it's not a US American's cup of tea either!

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You're right in the fact that we've been electing some incompetent presidents.

( Just keep in mind, we have many incompetent voters )

True that - who was the last competent president we had? Grover Cleveland?

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I like this. The whole "Any country that doesn't share our English culture is silly" was the backbone of the British Empire, after all.

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Posted (edited)

Like, likity like duh.,... LOL. None of us can talk we all invaded another country, dragged convicts and slaves across the world and ef'd up a perfectly evolved race of people on both continents. If you can't laugh at yourself and your distant allies then you might as well have the plague. rolleyes.gif BTW, I've heard Aussie jokes like this that are far much worse. thumbsup.gif

Bigger is not always better btw, big pockets with nothing in them! Time to hand over the bombs sister country US the dollar rate says so. Trade ya's for the Aliens???????tongue.gif And all of the drift wood!!!!

If one more African American famous person dies from an over dose I'm going to request a survey be made!

Peroxide and plastic is the cause of stupid Perfect is not perscription. Oh yeah, Child Pagents are wrong, parents might as well hand their babies to children services or a paedifile. disgust.gif

Edit, just to clarify I blame the parents not America!

Edited by xCrimsonx

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I think someone just had a sense of humour malfunction. (Note the 'u' in humour)

I have a pretty good sense of humor, but in this case it simply doesn't feel funny. I laugh at the insanity of my country on an all too regular basis, but this just feels like bashing of the country, thinly veiled as "humor". In my opinion humor works best when everyone can laugh and not worry that someone is having a go at them.

I am not the only one who feels this way, and several people have had the same response as me; that it is just a way to bash a country and get away with it because it was meant in jest. I will tell self deprecating jokes all the time, or jokes at the expense of my country; ultimately it is my country to joke about. Having someone else tell a joke at my expense just isn't all that funny.

People can tell self deprecating about how fat or ugly they are all day long; the joke is on them and theirs to take, however having that same person start making jokes about how fat or ugly your kids are will likely not be so funny anymore would it? It would be a full stop situation.

Make fun of yourself at your expense all day long, make fun of your own country all day long...however if you start making fun of another persons country(however flawed it may be) it is like making jokes about their kids; it just isn't funny when it comes across as a way to bash my country and get away with it because someone laughed.

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I have a pretty good sense of humor, but in this case it simply doesn't feel funny. I laugh at the insanity of my country on an all too regular basis, but this just feels like bashing of the country, thinly veiled as "humor". In my opinion humor works best when everyone can laugh and not worry that someone is having a go at them.

I am not the only one who feels this way, and several people have had the same response as me; that it is just a way to bash a country and get away with it because it was meant in jest. I will tell self deprecating jokes all the time, or jokes at the expense of my country; ultimately it is my country to joke about. Having someone else tell a joke at my expense just isn't all that funny.

People can tell self deprecating about how fat or ugly they are all day long; the joke is on them and theirs to take, however having that same person start making jokes about how fat or ugly your kids are will likely not be so funny anymore would it? It would be a full stop situation.

Make fun of yourself at your expense all day long, make fun of your own country all day long...however if you start making fun of another persons country(however flawed it may be) it is like making jokes about their kids; it just isn't funny when it comes across as a way to bash my country and get away with it because someone laughed.

A lot of the original post was self-deprecating. You just missed it. Like anyone in Britain takes tea at 4pm in proper cups anymore. The entire thing plays on the stereotypes we have about each other. Like old mates taking the mickey.

However, your deliberate omission of the 'u' in humour was not funny. I take that as a personal affront. One day you'll learn to talk proper, like what we does.

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I feel this song is fitting in here quite well:

The Streets - Two Nations

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A lot of the original post was self-deprecating. You just missed it. Like anyone in Britain takes tea at 4pm in proper cups anymore. The entire thing plays on the stereotypes we have about each other. Like old mates taking the mickey.

However, your deliberate omission of the 'u' in humour was not funny. I take that as a personal affront. One day you'll learn to talk proper, like what we does.

Question for you "Brits"...

Do ya'll pronounce Humour "hume-our" or "hume-er/ hume-or"? Do ya'll pronounce Centre "Sin-tree" or "Sin-ter"? Just curious... :devil:

Shoot, come on down an sit fer a spell, we'll jaw fer a piece and I'll have ya'll talkin' proper 'merican in no time!

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Question for you "Brits"...

Do ya'll pronounce Humour "hume-our" or "hume-er/ hume-or"? Do ya'll pronounce Centre "Sin-tree" or "Sin-ter"? Just curious... :devil:

Shoot, come on down an sit fer a spell, we'll jaw fer a piece and I'll have ya'll talkin' proper 'merican in no time!

Dont be silly. We may know how to spell correctly but that does not mean we all pronounce them correctly lol.

Oh, by the way, we prounce the word 'faucet' as ..........t...a...p........tap :w00t:

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Shoot, come on down an sit fer a spell, we'll jaw fer a piece and I'll have ya'll talkin' proper 'merican in no time!

My auto-translate couldn't do anything with this.

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Fortunately no mention was made of the VAT or Marmite ;)

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My auto-translate couldn't do anything with this.

Yer aut- translate doohickey was probly writ by a Brit... :)

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The Pom's brought out the sheep with the convicts on the first fleet, the Austrailans pinched them and stuck em in their tucker bags,...then theirs The KiwisAnd their unfortunate creative use of sheep. devil.gif Might as well invite all the allies to the Party! rofl.gifrofl.gif

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