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Technocrat

Funny Stories

20 posts in this topic

One Man's Gas Bill.

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This is a true story!

On Thursday, 24th January, 2002, Derek Guille broadcast this story on his afternoon program on ABC radio:

In March, 1999, a man living in Kandos, (near Mudgee, in NSW Australia), received a bill for his as yet unused gas line stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away. In April he received another bill and threw that one away too. The following month the gas company sent him a very nasty note stating that they were going to cancel his gas line if he didn't send them $0.00 by return mail. He called them, talked to them, and they said it was a computer error and they would take care of it.

The following month he decided that it was about time he tried out the troublesome gas line figuring that if there was usage on the account it would put an end to this ridiculous predicament. However, when he went to use the gas, it had been cut off. He called the gas company who apologised for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got another bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue. Assuming that having spoken to them the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake and he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out.

The next month he got a bill once again for $0.00. This bill also stated that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt. Finally, giving in, he thought he would beat the gas company at their own game and mailed them a cheque for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the gas company nothing at all.

A week later, the manager of the Mudgee branch of the Westpac Banking Corporation called our hapless friend and asked him what he was doing writing cheque for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the bank manager replied that the $0.00 cheque had caused their cheque processing software to fail. The bank could therefore not process ANY cheques they had received from ANY of their customers that day because the cheque for $0.00 had caused the computer to crash.

The following month the man received a letter from the gas company claiming that his cheque had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a cheque by return mail they would take immediate steps to recover the debt. At this point, the man decided to file a debt harassment claim against the gas company. It took him nearly two hours to convince the clerks at the local courthouse that he was not joking. They subsequently helped him in the drafting of statements which were considered substantive evidence of the aggravation and difficulties he had been forced to endure during this debacle. The matter was heard in the Magistrate's Court in Mudgee and the outcome was this:

The gas company was ordered to:

[1] Immediately rectify their computerised accounts system or show cause, within 10 days, why the matter should not be referred to a higher court for consideration under Company Law.

[2] Pay the bank dishonour fees incurred by the man.

[3] Pay the bank dishonour fees incurred by all the Westpac clients whose cheques had been bounced on the day the claimant's had been processed.

[4] Pay the claimant's court costs and;

[5] Pay the claimant a total of $1500 per month for the 5 month period from March to July inclusive as compensation for the aggravation they had caused their client to suffer.

And all this over $0.00.

Who employs these idiots?

This story can also be viewed on the ABC website.

Remember, these 'people' walk among us and breathe the same air we do - scary!

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"I want to feel like a WOMAN!"

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A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one of the wings was struck by lightning.

One woman passenger lost it completely.

She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, "I'm too young to die." Then she yelled, "If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then a man from Australia stood up in the rear of the plane. He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.

Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest.

She gasped.

Then, he spoke....

"Iron this - and then get me a beer!"

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Catholic Horses!

********

Mitch, a hard-shell Southern Baptist, loved to sneak away to the race track. One day he was there betting on the ponies and losing his shirt when he noticed a priest step out onto the track and bless the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, this horse - a very long shot - won the race.

Mitch was most interested to see what the priest did at the start of the next race. Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the horses for the fifth race lined up, and placed a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. Mitch made a beeline for the bookies window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race. Mitch collected his winnings and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race. The priest showed, blessed a horse, Mitch bet on it, and it won! Mitch was elated!

As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses, and it always came in first. Mitch began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew big money and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses. Mitchell bet every cent, and watched the horse come in dead last.

Mitchell was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track and when he found the priest, he demanded, "What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now I've lost my savings, thanks to you!!"

The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with you Protestants... you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites!"

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Wrong Email Address.

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A couple were going on vacation but the wife was on a business trip so the husband went to the destination first and it was arranged that his wife would meet him the next day.

When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.

Unfortunately, when typing her address, he mistyped a letter and his email was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

P.S. Sure is hot down here!

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Little Johnny.

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Little Johnny was sitting one day on a dock. Along came a preacher and sat down beside him. Little Johnny had a mason jar full of what looked like water and he was turning it over and over, watching the bubbles float through it. The Preacher asked, "What are you doing with that water?" Little Johnny studied the contents of the jar for a moment, then explained, "Preacher, this here is turpentine. It's the strongest liquid in the world." The preacher replied, "Son, Holy Water is the strongest liquid in the world. Did you know that if you rub a little Holy Water on a pregnant woman's belly, she will pass a baby boy?" Little Johnny thought about this for a minute and then remarked, "Nope, this here turpentine is still the strongest because if you rub it on a cat's ass, it can pass a speeding car!"

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First Job.

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A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them 'gems-in-the-rough,' more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.

The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars 'pay' she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."

"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, and will you be working on the house again this week too?"

The little girl replied, "I will, if those 'ass***es' at Home Depot ever deliver the 'fu***ng' sheet rock...!"

Her mother went into shock and the teller

fainted!

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Posted (edited)

My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre. Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn't want to leave them unchaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again.

Because I didn't want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, I explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother. A few minutes later he got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said, (to my growing horror and amusement), as the cab pulled away, "Sorry it took so long but the stupid (b i t c h) was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn't scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass down the stairs and threw her into the backyard....she had better not (s h i t) in the vegetable garden again!" The silence in the taxi was deafening.....!

Edited by MrSerendipity
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A school teacher was walking down the street one day when he met the father of one of his pupils. He said to the man, "I asked your son the other day who it was that knocked down the walls of Jericho and he said it wasn't him." The man replied, "If he said it wasn't him then it wasn't. I brought that boy up to be honest!" :D

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A man walks into a pet shop and says, "I want a wasp please." The shopkeeper replies, "We don't sell wasps." The man says, "There's one in the window!" ;)

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A man goes into Boots and says, "Have you got any Viagra?" "Do you have a prescription?" asks the chemist. "No," replies the man, "But 'I've got a photograph of the wife!" :w00t:

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A man walks into a hospital feeling unwell and the doctor says, "Sorry, but you've only got three minutes to live." The man says, "Can you do anything for me?" "Yes," replies the doctor, "I'll boil you an egg!" :)

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I rang British Telecom and said, "I want to report a nuisance caller." The voice on the other end said, "Not you again!" :rofl:

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A man said to the doctor, "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live," replied the doctor. Then the man said, "What's the bad news?" The doctor said, "We should have told you yesterday!" :D

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My uncle was the unluckiest man that ever lived. On his death bed he confessed to two murders and four robberies and got better! :lol:

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My uncle Jimmy took liver salts twice a day for 40 years. He died on Sunday, was buried on Wednesday and the following Friday they had to go to the cemetery to beat his liver to death with a stick! :D

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My wife went into the butcher's and said, "You've a sheep's head in the window." The butcher said, "That's a mirror!" :D

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A man with a giant peach for a head is standing in the street when a man walked up to him and asked "what's with the giant peach for a head?"

He replied "funny story that, I found a lamp with a genie in it and got 3 wishes. The 1st wish I made was to be the richest man in the world. My 2nd wish was to be irresistible to only the most beautiful women of the world , and my 3rd wish was to have a giant peach head.

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A farmer was out on his Welsh hillside tending his flock one day, when he saw a man drinking with a cupped hand from the stream which ran down from one of his fields. Realising the danger, he shouted over to the man, 'Paid a yfed y dwr! Mae'n ych-y-fi!' [Don't drink the water. It's disgusting!]

The man at the stream lifted his head and put a cupped hand to his ear, shrugged his shoulders at the farmer, and carried on drinking.

Realising the man at the stream couldn't hear him, the farmer moved closer, 'Paid a yfed! Dwr ych-y-fi! Defaid yn cachu yn y dwr!' [Don't drink. Water's disgusting. Sheep poo in the water.]

Still the walker couldn't hear the farmer. Finally the farmer walked right up to the man at the stream and once again said again, 'Dwr yn ych-y-fi! Paid a'i yfed!'. [Water's disgusting. Don't drink it!]

'I'm dreadfully sorry my good man, I can't understand a word you say dear boy! Can't you speak English?' Said the man at the stream, in a splendid English accent.

'Oh I see', said the farmer, 'I was just saying, if you use both hands you can get more in........ !

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Posted (edited)

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." "I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes," replies Watson. "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" He says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

Edited by MrSerendipity
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Political "Spin."

(True or False?)

Judy Harper an amateur genealogy researcher in Northern Ontario, Canada, was doing some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that Prime Minister Stephen Harper's great-great uncle, Remus Rudd, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Winnipeg in 1889. Both Judy and Stephen Harper share this common ancestor. The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows at the Manitoba Provincial Jail. On the back of the picture, that Judy obtained during her research, is this inscription: 'Remus Rudd horse thief, sent to Stoney Mountain Jail 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the CP AND CN trains six times. Caught by Mounted Police Force, convicted and hanged in 1889.'

So Judy recently e-mailed Prime Minister Harper for information about their great-great uncle, Remus Rudd.

Believe it or not, Harper's staff sent back the following biographical sketch for her genealogy research:

"Remus Rudd was famous in Ontario during the mid to late 1800s. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the CP and CN Railways. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroads. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the Mounted Police Force. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honour when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed!"

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