Join the Unexplained Mysteries community today! It's free and setting up an account only takes a moment.
- Sign In or Create Account -
Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0
Voyager

How Do I Tell My Parent I'm Moving Out?

44 posts in this topic

I would really have to provide a proper backdrop/foundation for you to really understand this situation, but it would take a lot of time to write, plus I know you probably don't want to read a long story, so I'm just going to give you the basic matter at hand. I will let you know, however, that I am 1 of 5 children, we are all adults, I'm 30, myself. The 2 girls in my family are pretty mature, successful and independent, while us 4 boys are without jobs and have had trouble with society. Our father were not in our lives (the girls' weren't either but they did have more fatherly influence than we did). 3 of us boys still live home with our mother, and my oldest brother is in prison with a life-sentence. The oldest one of us is pretty sociable and has had good jobs and has a nice car---although he's struggling to keep it because he lost his job a couple months ago. The two of us youngest boys are very introverted (my little brother even much more than me), don't have licenses or know how to drive... I, myself, still don't have a GED (got a HS diploma from an independent company), literally could not tell you where North, South, East, or West is from here or anywhere, or how to read a map, just now learned my times tables, don't own one piece of property, am thousands of dollars in debt, don't have a real (stable) job, can never get Financial Aid (for school) again, have no insurance, really nothing going for me... (and of course, I don't have a significant other---who would want to date me?).

Well, I just put in application for Walmart and Home Depot and am going to register (out of pocket, if I can save enough money between now and January) for a Spring college course . So, everything I plan on having is closer to a certain area (Walmart, Home Depot, and the college, even the job I'm working at now)---closer to where my friend lives. He (a Christian brother, who my mother has met and perceived that he wasn't sanctified enough for my company---but she has found something wrong with just about everyone who I've ever introduced her to) has opened his doors to me and said that I can move in right now if I want to. He won't expect anything (financially) from me until I am stable enough to contribute.

I plan on moving the first week of December. The thing is, how do I tell my mother? She's hyper religious and takes that scripture "A man shall leave his mother and cleave unto his wife..." quite literally, meaning she doesn't believe a man should leave the nest until he finds a wife. Well, I'm not married and don't plan on being for a long time. She grew up in a big close-nit family where they all slept on top of one another (figuratively speaking) so she doesn't believe that I, even at 30 years old, have any reason to leave.

We have gone around this mountain many times over the past several years---me telling her I wanted to move, and her response has always been "that's not the will of God for your life; you were meant to stay close to me." Plus, when she found out I was gay, it added insult to injury. Her being a pastor, she believes God has ordained her to keep watch over my soul (and I do believe that she sincerely believes God spoke to her about this). She believes that if I leave the "Arc of Safety" (as she calls it) that the devil will have legal rights to me and that I will end up in Hell... and she has even prophesied God's judgment upon me if I do "rebel" and decide to leave home---she says that if I die or am killed, fall into poverty or something, that basically, it will be my fault. She doesn't believe I am mature or spiritually advanced enough to handle life. So every time I have mentioned anything to her about me wanting to move here or there it has always turn into an argument (although she does most of the talking). She alway dominates the situation with her fiery, pushy, and argumentative personality, and I end up being intimidated and shrinking back and feeling far too guilty to take that step out. I always feel guilty about leaving her, so much that I don't believe I would be able to enjoy independence (She actually almost choked to death one time, and if I had not been there at that moment to save her, she might not have been here, and I'd have blamed myself).

I do believe this move is the will of God this time, as everything has fallen into place, lately, like puzzle pieces. Even this trusted minister/spiritual counselor (who doesn't know me from Adam or anything about my situation) prophesied---a month or so ago, that this was the season for me to move forward and take that step out, and that (financial and relocation) doors were going to be opening for me. Of course I wouldn't tell her this because she's cynical about personal prophecies---especially when they involve me moving...

So, I have decided on the exact day that I want to move and everything. It's almost set in stone. My fear, though, is that I will shrink back once again when she tries to convince me that it's not the will of God. It has been this way for years, and I fear that I'm never going to have a life until she's gone. And then, I won't know what to do because I have so little life skills that I probably wouldn't know how to survive on my own. I even worry about my brother (more than myself) because he's very odd---he's not good at communicating or being sociable at all!---plus he has a serious heart condition... I'm not the average 30 year old male; there is A LOT I don't know. And my mother is not your average "religious zealot," she is VERY serious about her faith. I believe she is genuine and sincere, which is why I always end up shrinking back. So, how do you think I can avoid shrinking back this time? I love my mother and I don't want to disrespect or dishonor her, but I do want to learn how to function without her.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You really have a rough road ahead of you. Just sit her down remain clam and cool. Tell her you want to spread your wings and leave the nest. The fact she knows your gay she must know you will never marry a female. If worst comes to worst just pack and leave.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Since you have gone through this before, I believe it is best to just tell her that you moving out and not talk about it. She is already a master at manipulation (though she is in good will). She will be upset, but once you have the proper will and set up the boundaries she will have no choice but to accept you choice.....well eventually. You do have a hard road, but trying to convince your mother should not be part of that......you are after all 30.

Good luck. :clap:

peace

mark

3 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Live with your mother or go to hell. That's a new one.

7 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

IM MOVING OUT.

Thanks,

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Call her from your new place, let her know you're not coming home, ever.

4 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Any feelings of guilt or abandonment you feel about making this descision to leave your mother should be dismissed because they aren't yours and are basically what your mother is using to manipulate her will upon you. Your not going to like this, but she is a pupeteer, and you are her poor me puppet.. If you want to cut those strings and become empowered yourself then you need to just follow your own path and leave and not give a damn about anything she has to say about it..

It seems that she has dis-empowered you thoughout your life. Your best way to gain self empowerment is to first get away from her and make it a goal to regain your true self, and not live your life under her thumb.. If that means confronting her then do it, but do not back down when she she tries to push her will upon you.. If you need to, then get angry.. But I do think the best way to confront her if she herself begins to manipulate you into changing your mind is to blow her mind by forgiving her for holding you back and preventing you from fulfulling you life.

This link might help with understanding how she can manipulate you.

http://www.unexplain...pic=235749&st=0

Edited to add: Am not a Psycologist. this is just my own thoughts on best approach.. hope it helps.

Edited by Professor T

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I agree with markdohle - I think you should just tell her you're moving out, don't ask her or try to talk about it with her.Think about it - you said she believes that a man must stay with his parents until he takes a wife, but since you're gay you wouldn't marry a woman. You also said that she believes God spoke with her and told her she needs to "keep an eye" on you and your soul for your protection from Hell. These two things alone will prevent you from ever leaving her house if you let her have her way. I'm sure your mom is a wonderful woman who just wants what's best for you, but you're 30 years old now. You're not a child anymore - you know what's best for you. You know what you need to do to be happy. She's not going to like that you're moving out to begin with, and I can't imagine your moving in with another man (who she doesn't like) will be any form of comfort for her. But you're an adult now, and you're free to do whatever you like. Don't let her beliefs hinder you. Right now, you seem to believe (firmly) that you need to leave. Stand by that. Stand by whatever your beliefs are. If you want to become an independent individual, the first step is to assert said independence to your mother.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Just go. Sounds like your mother is a manipulative person and has controlled you long enough.

3 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Call her from your new place, let her know you're not coming home, ever.

Hahahaha. I had to laugh on this one. This is funny, and it might work for some, but not me. I feel that would be pretty disrespectful and inconsiderate. Although my mother's not perfect, and we may differ on some spiritual matters, I do believe that passage that says "Honor your father and your mother, so that your days may be long upon the earth which the Lord has given you."

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Claim your independence and free will. Tell her there is nothing she can do or say to make you change your mind, and mean it when you say it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I agree with what has been said, this life you are living now is holding you back. You seem to have moved forward a lot since your plan on leaving, is that not a good sign? Go out there and live your life the way it was meant to be lived.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I honestly wouldn't be surprised if when she finds out that I'm not backing down, that she decides to take a ride with me to my friends house and sits down and interviews him in front of me. That would be so embarrassing. He's already told me he's afraid of her, after she pulled him to the side that day and grilled him; he said she gave him her whole life story (condensed version of her testimony) and interrogated him to make sure he wasn't "fake." He said he stood his ground, LOL, but she expressed to me her disdain for him. Well, at least she hasn't said anything bad about the last guy she met--who I'll be living with also.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hahahaha. I had to laugh on this one. This is funny, and it might work for some, but not me. I feel that would be pretty disrespectful and inconsiderate. Although my mother's not perfect, and we may differ on some spiritual matters, I do believe that passage that says "Honor your father and your mother, so that your days may be long upon the earth which the Lord has given you."

For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, "Do not fear; I will help you." Isaiah 41:13

"Do not be afraid; you will not suffer shame. Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated." Isaiah 54:4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Go to this site and copy it. Then leave the printed copy where your mother is likely to find it.

http://timesupblog.b...essed-sons.html

WOW! Thank you for this article. I wouldn't leave it for her to see because she would know that either I had something to do with it or that I have read it. We're talking about a woman who has personally gone through and read very personal letter and emails of mine. So she's basically in my psyche and I can't hide anything from her (one of my reasons for deciding to distance myself from her).

Believe it or not, this "prophetess" at a church we belonged to years ago (I was around 17 or 18) called our family up to the front and when she got to me, she told my mother that she needed to watch me closer because I was really the "sneaky" one. I had always been seen as the goody-two-shoes before then, but sure enough, she started discovering dirt on me. And she has now been extra suspicious of me through the years, looking for every incriminating bit of evidence. She doesn't trust me... and I don't trust her... because as most women are (no offense) she brings any of my flaws, secrets, or insecurities up when she wants to win an argument.

Not to get me wrong though. I do believe she is well intentioned and her behavior, however bizarre, is her way of showing that she cares. ... But I'm going to read through this article.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I honestly wouldn't be surprised if when she finds out that I'm not backing down, that she decides to take a ride with me to my friends house and sits down and interviews him in front of me. That would be so embarrassing. He's already told me he's afraid of her, after she pulled him to the side that day and grilled him; he said she gave him her whole life story (condensed version of her testimony) and interrogated him to make sure he wasn't "fake." He said he stood his ground, LOL, but she expressed to me her disdain for him. Well, at least she hasn't said anything bad about the last guy she met--who I'll be living with also.

A question. Why would you even let your mother interview your friend? You really do need to get away from her, not disown, you love her, but man, you need some strong boundaries, with a good door and a locked window ;-).

Peace

Mark

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

WOW! Thank you for this article. I wouldn't leave it for her to see because she would know that either I had something to do with it or that I have read it. We're talking about a woman who has personally gone through and read very personal letter and emails of mine. So she's basically in my psyche and I can't hide anything from her (one of my reasons for deciding to distance myself from her).

Believe it or not, this "prophetess" at a church we belonged to years ago (I was around 17 or 18) called our family up to the front and when she got to me, she told my mother that she needed to watch me closer because I was really the "sneaky" one. I had always been seen as the goody-two-shoes before then, but sure enough, she started discovering dirt on me. And she has now been extra suspicious of me through the years, looking for every incriminating bit of evidence. She doesn't trust me... and I don't trust her... because as most women are (no offense) she brings any of my flaws, secrets, or insecurities up when she wants to win an argument.

Not to get me wrong though. I do believe she is well intentioned and her behavior, however bizarre, is her way of showing that she cares. ... But I'm going to read through this article.

What if she does know you read the article and intentionally put it out for her to read? Can I give you a lesson my son taught me? When he started doing things I didn't want to him to do, he looked me straight in the eye, and told me it was his life and if I didn't like what he was doing, that was my problem. Now may be he could trust my reaction would be different from your mothers, but I was glad he was manly enough to stand his ground, and was not being deceptive as his sister was doing. But then I understand the goal of a parent is for the children to become independent. I am sure you can find plenty of information about this if you make the effort. How about looking at this as your responsibility to educate your mother? You have other sibblings, What about them? What your mother has done is destructive and needs to be understood as abuse. Instead of being a good boy, start being a good brother and educate your family.

Go to a second hand books store and request the book "Gods in Everyman" by Jean Shinoda Bolen, M.D., and learn how to be your own hero. Become the master of your own life. Who you become is now in your hands, not your mothers or anyone elses. Stop just letting life happen to you and take charge of your life. Be the man your mother never had. Someone who can set boundaries, without abandoning her. Where is your father anyway?

Find audio tapes or other information produced by Anthony Robbins. If you work his 30 day program you will be on your way to being the man you want to be. Come on, take charge of your life. It may not feel right at first, but you will get used to it, and everyone will be better off.

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A question. Why would you even let your mother interview your friend? You really do need to get away from her, not disown, you love her, but man, you need some strong boundaries, with a good door and a locked window ;-).

Peace

Mark

If he were 14 I would be less concerned, but sooner or later, those boundaries need to create some space between child and parent. Now at age 14, a parent should know the child's friends. But once that child comes of age, it is time for the separation to become more complete. Leaving the cake in the oven for another 1/2 hour will not make a better cake, and if a child is not ready for independence at age 18, and is not in school or working and saving money to leave home, something is wrong. Plenty of people are in favor of putting the child out by age 18. I will be more lienant on this, but I will not be an enabler allowing an adult to live in my home, if this adult is making no effort to be independent.

Is anyone else thinking religion might be a problem here? Like it appears in this family and church, we are not just talking about God and being a responsible and moral adult, but we are creating another super natural being, Satan, the devil. This might not be the most useful belief system. It is one thing to understand the devil abstractly and another to take this literally and be superstitious. Like should we advise people to carry real silver crosses to protect them from the devil? Should we question if the mother is possessed? It might be time to flat out deny the reality of Satan and to accept personal responsibility for one's own actions?

Edited by me-wonders
1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

What if she does know you read the article and intentionally put it out for her to read? Can I give you a lesson my son taught me? When he started doing things I didn't want to him to do, he looked me straight in the eye, and told me it was his life and if I didn't like what he was doing, that was my problem. Now may be he could trust my reaction would be different from your mothers, but I was glad he was manly enough to stand his ground, and was not being deceptive as his sister was doing. But then I understand the goal of a parent is for the children to become independent. I am sure you can find plenty of information about this if you make the effort. How about looking at this as your responsibility to educate your mother? You have other sibblings, What about them? What your mother has done is destructive and needs to be understood as abuse. Instead of being a good boy, start being a good brother and educate your family.

Go to a second hand books store and request the book "Gods in Everyman" by Jean Shinoda Bolen, M.D., and learn how to be your own hero. Become the master of your own life. Who you become is now in your hands, not your mothers or anyone elses. Stop just letting life happen to you and take charge of your life. Be the man your mother never had. Someone who can set boundaries, without abandoning her. Where is your father anyway?

Find audio tapes or other information produced by Anthony Robbins. If you work his 30 day program you will be on your way to being the man you want to be. Come on, take charge of your life. It may not feel right at first, but you will get used to it, and everyone will be better off.

Thanks for your advise. To answer your question about my father: he had to go back to Nigeria (he's an African), for legal reasons, before I was born. He eventually started a new life there with another woman and fathered other children. He never came back so I've never seen him before. from what I understand, there was a lot of arguing and friction in the marriage; things came to a head when he hit her one day and she was tempted to "kill" him... (he was also caught with a prostitute, and she said she could never get over it). From what my older cousin recently told me, the arguments were usually started and won by my mother, as she is an "argumentative person." He (my cousin) told me that if he was my dad he probably would have done the same thing---used a legitimate reason for leaving as an excuse to get away from her.

All 6 of us children have different fathers (my dad is the only one she married) and my mother has never been able to hold on to a man. She has a very strong will and a fiery "misfit" (according to my grandmother) personality. She probably got this trait from her mother though, as she was a very fiery person who also had several men---she also had to have the last word with her husbands. There was a joke among the sisters about a statement my grandmother made about her daughters: "It's going to take a strong man to deal with you all because you all are some strong women!"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Just leave and pack light. Call home using caller anonymous. Tell her you are spending the night with a friend or somewhere else if you don't want to be specific. Call the next day with the same thing and repeat.

Or just be brave and muster up all the woman in you and tell her to her face. It is obvious she has defeated the male in you.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

This is in the psychology forum, and perhaps understanding of conditioning would be more helpful here than being judgmental. It seems obvious some pretty bad conditioning has occurred and what is needed is understanding of this, and understanding of how to change the conditioning.

I am afraid a really good out come is not possible. I usually defend mothers, but not this time. To me it looks like there is a history of abuse here, and it might not be good to see the abusiveness as equal to strength. It appears this mother is dysfuncational, and that it would be better to identify her behaviors as dysfunctional and abuse, rather than mistaking this for strength and passing the abuse and dysfunction on to the next generation.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Ahhh Voyager, I know where you're coming from ..

Even tho your story is different from mine, there is some common ground ..

I too, need to tell my mum I'll be moving out soon, to a different country at that, and I honestly have no idea how will that end up since I'm an only child, 27 years of age and my mum and dad still treat me as if I were 12 ..

I know that sooner or later I'll have to come forward and tell them that they've had their own life, and now it's time for me to live my own life. I don't even wanna try to imagine how my mum will react to that, coz I know if something happens to her because of that I will never ever be able to forgive myself and honestly I don't know if I would be able to lead a normal life knowing I've destroyed my parents' lives.

But I also know that I am not being selfish, that I have the right to be happy just as they were, and that I am here for a reason, and that I only live once and should try to make the best of my life ..

I think you should know that too .. Parents can be so selfish and possessive of us even if they don't realize it, because all they really wanna do is protect us .. But they don't see that they sometimes take it a bit too far ..

I hope you move out and start your own life, no matter how hard it will be. But you have the right to try and be happy ..

:)

Edited by Ninhursag
3 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Someone liked my post here, and I like what was said in the "Talk on Anger, rage and resentment" thread. Let me be honest with you all. I understand mothers being abusive and destructive to their children, because I was. I did a lot right, and was a devoted mother, but---- what we know today, about parenting, is so much better than what many of us knew in the past. We are not born knowing this stuff, and I think a we society need to gain awareness and need to rethink how to deal with our humanness and how to better protect the children.

I did not know I was being abused and being abusive, until I took a college class on "personal power". That class helped me identify what is abusive, but didn't instanteously make me a better person. How could it when my X was also an abusive person, and not wlling to take responsibility for that. Look at where we are coming from? Our culture is based on individualism, and this is good in some ways and harmful in some ways. My parents went through the Great Depression, second world war, and were divorced. Needing help was considered a weakness, and who around us knew how to help anyway? Marriages sky rocket during the war years, because the government intentionally used romance to mobilize us for war, and following the war, divorce rates sky rocketed. Families were broken down, and today we talk as though families are no longer important. We seem to be amusing single parents can raise children without help, and we are in huge denial of the harm being done to children.

Those who turn to the bible and the church, seem to have advantages, those who do not belong to a church do not have. However, not all churches are equal, and some seem to promote abusive instead of prevent it. Personally, I can not belong to any church, because I do not see the biblical stories as good explanations of truth. I think the truth is confused with notions that are not so helpful, such as creating the devil as a supernatural being that can harm us. To me this like scaring children with stories of the boogie man, and it is not helpful, nor is it an accurate explanation of what is so for humans. The demons are not external, but internal and it is bad childhood experiences, or war like experiences, that put them there, and poverty is like living in a war zone, because of the intense stress, insecurity and lack of stability in a good situation. Being stable is bad situation, a city ghetto where violence is common expereince, is not a good stability!!!

If a man and woman can not get along, how can their children learn the skills they need for getting what they want in a positive way? If grandparents, aunts and unlces are not involved, who protects the children from the short comings of parents? Give me a break. We are not born perfect, and even if we do grow up with ideal families, learning all the social skills we need for life, we have our bad days. We need each other, and perhaps our individualistic society needs to take another look at that?

Just yesterday I took my granddaughter to the park, and watched a young child deal with an abusive father. I held my tongue, because I feared if I intervened I would make matters worse. I believe the father meant well, but it was evident he was raised abusively and didn't know any better. It had to be his day to visit the child, because it is extremely doubtful a woman would live him, and the child was not comfortable with him. We are not small communities as we once were, and we are ignoring the abuse of children, because we don't have relationships with them or their parents. Families are broken down and some talk of doing away with families all together. Please, folks, are we going in the right direction? Are we being realistic about our human nature, and the needs of children, or are we running on denial and carelessness?

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

In Nature, there is always the time(and need) to fly out of the nest and move-on with your own life.

This can be emotionally difficult with certain family structures, but, it IS nature's way.

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.