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Voyager

How Do I Tell My Parent I'm Moving Out?

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This is in the psychology forum, and perhaps understanding of conditioning would be more helpful here than being judgmental. It seems obvious some pretty bad conditioning has occurred and what is needed is understanding of this, and understanding of how to change the conditioning.

I am afraid a really good out come is not possible. I usually defend mothers, but not this time. To me it looks like there is a history of abuse here, and it might not be good to see the abusiveness as equal to strength. It appears this mother is dysfuncational, and that it would be better to identify her behaviors as dysfunctional and abuse, rather than mistaking this for strength and passing the abuse and dysfunction on to the next generation.

Wow, you speak of this from a different angle, but what you are saying is a very common problem today. Some parents try to follow their children to college, and some even get in the middle of a grown child's life when this young adult becomes an employee, and the parents try to resolve the young adult's problems with an employer.

I think it is easier to let children leave home when there are 6 of them, and each time we left go of a child, it is easier.

You might look for information. books or articles, for parents needing to adjust to letting go of child. Information is always helpful, and having it before the event is a good thing.

From the point of view of a mother, we want to be assured our sons and daughters will be safe, so what will make you safe? Create a list of what will make you safe and present it to your parents. You can use what they taught you of life as number one on your list. Is your housing situation secure? Do you have a job or means of support? In a foriegn country, is there an embassy, and do you know how to contact it? Are there churches or other organization connections that you can use? How well have you planned, and what are your options if you need help? The better you can lay out your plan and resources, the more your parents will be impressed with your ability to take care of yourself. If you approuch them with a good plan and self confidence, things will go better, than if you approach them with a fear of how they will react. If they detect fear in you, they react to the fear, and things may not go so well. Exude self confidence, and validate your self confidence with a good plan.

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Just did a google search on letting go of children and there is plenty of information out there. Help your parents with information.

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  1. Raising Children Means Letting Them Go - NYTimes.com
    parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/.../raising-children-means-letting-... Oct 17, 2011 – The mother of a terminally ill child writes that her story is not that different from the rest of ours: we are all preparing for when our children leave ...

  2. Letting Go of Our Adult Children [book]
    www.support4change.com/relationships/letgo/4/09.html A full-length book on dealing with grown children who haven't turned out the way parents expected, which has been of great help to hundreds of people.

  3. Letting go as children head off to college for the first time ...
    news.wustl.edu/news/pages/5426.aspx Jul 17, 2006 – But it can be especially tough on "helicopter parents," those who tend to hover over their children and can have a hard time letting go.

  4. How I let my grown children go and set myself free: 9 ways
    www.vibrantnation.com/.../how-i-let-my-grown-children-go-and-set-... Jul 22, 2010 – I finally found the secret of living a carefree life of no guilt and no regrets. I have learned how to really let my grown children go. All it takes is ...

  5. Letting go of our children should be a luxury that we can all afford ...
    www.guardian.co.uk/.../letting-go-of-children-should-be-a-luxury-w... Jun 13, 2012 – Suzanne Moore: Bad things may happen but control freakery does not stop them happening. We have to let our kids take risks.

  6. How to Let Go As They Grow: An Age-by-Age Guide
    www.bhg.com › ... › School & CollegeBack to School How to Let Go As They Grow. From that first school bus ride to driving alone, transitions are as hard on Mom as they are on the child (maybe harder!). Here's how ...

  7. Independence Day: Four Ways to Let Go of Your Kids
    www.familycircle.com › ... › ParentingCommunication & Bonding You know you should cheer on your child's growing freedom and independence. And you do -- mostly. But for the part of you that wants to hang on just a little too ...

  8. Courageous Parents, Confident KidsLetting Go So You Both Can ...
    amytiemann.com/courageous-parents-confident-kids/ Courageous Parents, Confident Kids -- Letting Go So You Both Can Grow. Courageous Parents, Confident Kids draws on the knowledge of 14 respected ...

  9. Letting Go of Our Grown Adult Children, When What We Do is Never ...
    www.tellinitlikeitis.net/.../letting-go-of-our-grown-adult-children-wh... Jul 30, 2010 – “Letting go of adult children. It's something parents do all the time. At least we're told that's what parents are supposed to do about the time their ...

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Come from your heart, do it with love and with the conviction of the great spirit

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Just tell them, parents know sooner or later your going to leave, that's life, they will adjust.

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Well, tomorrow (11/01/2012) is the day that I will tell her. I'm going to send it to her via text message, including the invite for further discussion. Please feel free to pray (or meditate) for me, as I will need all the spiritual help I can get. I know that she is going to pull out every psychological and spiritual trick in the book to get me to change my mind, and being that she is more intelligent (or experienced, rather) than I am, I know she is going to manage to change my mind, but I only hope that I will be able to change it back before December 2nd (the day I plan on moving out).

It's funny, because when she found out I was gay, about 3 yrs ago, and I told her I would move out, she laid hands on my forehead (almost knocking me out of the chair I was sitting in) in a gesture to cast out whatever rebellious "demon" was influencing me (but of course I made the statement out of the wrong attitude/spirit, so I pretty much set myself up for it), and several mandatory family meetings followed, with me as the center of attention. She proceeded to tell me that if I tried to move out she was going to call every (available) family member that she knows and have the slam and pin me down to the floor so I wouldn't get out the door.

I know that within the 32 days I have left here at the house, she is going to do everything within those 32 days to make me feel guilty, including crying and throwing temper tantrums and trying to scare me (although she doesn't have to try hard)! She is probably going to make my life a living hell and I imagine November will be a long month for me. Her golden child is leaving and she is not going to let it happen without putting up a fight.

You might question why I would tell her so early if I know what's going to happen. But the thing is I feel like this dark cloud is hovering over me that is not allowing me to do anything productive. I don't know if I would call it depression or what, but I need to use this month to get things in order, first, but it seems that I won't be able to do anything until I get this off of my chest/shoulders/back.

Edited by Voyager
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Dont give in.. This is your life...

Here's some inspiration for you.

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I just finished speaking with my mother, and as I imagined, she adamantly declared that this decision of mine is NO the will of God for me. I appreciate her not throwing a temper tantrum, and she was very mature in her delivery (not that she has ever been childish or gone psycho, but I thought she would be more fired up).

She had a long talk with me trying to convince me to change my mind, and assuming that because she talked to me that my mind is now changed (judging by statements she made). After seeing that I wasn't budging, she declared, with confident conviction, that God's judgment is going to be upon me once I walk out the door! Honestly, I am scared, because of things that she said (you would have to have been in the conversation to understand...). I asked her to pray for me with whatever decision that I make. This, to her, was a signal that I'm not budging on my decision (which she read correctly). She, in turn, let me know that she will be praying, but that whenever someone is disobedient to their spiritual authority that God will instruct that authority to STOP PRAYING and allow Him to chastise that person---which He has done with her a number of times. And she has been on both ends of it (I also saw what happened when she "threw her hands up" on my older brothers!). And she has not always been a Christian; she was a wild-child herself! So I do take her seriously when she says what could happen, because she is speaking from experience. She sees me as "haughty" (arrogant), prideful, stubborn and rebellious (and I kind of feel that way even though I wasn't trying to be). The conversation ended with her saying "I can see that you're one of those children who God's going to have to knock on their behind!"

She actually said some things that were very heartfelt and genuine. It's not that I don't believe in what she's saying, because I do. But I am standing on this, even though she has caused me to feel very uncertain about it!! I'm now trembling with worry and doubt. I don't know what to do, honestly.

Edited by Voyager

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1. Good job, for taking the right steps to do the right thing. My advice...

2. Don't move out until you have secure income with about 2 months pay saved up just in case you get fired, unless your mother intends to help.

3. DONT START A COLLEGE COURSE YET! Set that as a goal 1 year out of your Mothers house. if you try to do it all at once, it'll be a lot harder. Set small goals.

4. Embrace daily learning. Take advice from co workers...look up how to's on the internet...start reading.

5. Stay in close contact with your family. It will provide you the comfort and support you'll need while starting a new journey.

Good luck.

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I just finished speaking with my mother, and as I imagined, she adamantly declared that this decision of mine is NO the will of God for me. I appreciate her not throwing a temper tantrum, and she was very mature in her delivery (not that she has ever been childish or gone psycho, but I thought she would be more fired up).

She had a long talk with me trying to convince me to change my mind, and assuming that because she talked to me that my mind is now changed (judging by statements she made). After seeing that I wasn't budging, she declared, with confident conviction, that God's judgment is going to be upon me once I walk out the door! Honestly, I am scared, because of things that she said (you would have to have been in the conversation to understand...). I asked her to pray for me with whatever decision that I make. This, to her, was a signal that I'm not budging on my decision (which she read correctly). She, in turn, let me know that she will be praying, but that whenever someone is disobedient to their spiritual authority that God will instruct that authority to STOP PRAYING and allow Him to chastise that person---which He has done with her a number of times. And she has been on both ends of it (I also saw what happened when she "threw her hands up" on my older brothers!). And she has not always been a Christian; she was a wild-child herself! So I do take her seriously when she says what could happen, because she is speaking from experience. She sees me as "haughty" (arrogant), prideful, stubborn and rebellious (and I kind of feel that way even though I wasn't trying to be). The conversation ended with her saying "I can see that you're one of those children who God's going to have to knock on their behind!"

She actually said some things that were very heartfelt and genuine. It's not that I don't believe in what she's saying, because I do. But I am standing on this, even though she has caused me to feel very uncertain about it!! I'm now trembling with worry and doubt. I don't know what to do, honestly.

Good job.

But It's not over yet..

It sounds to me like she uses interrorgation & intimidation to get her way. And she will use these tactics up untill the day you leave.

This might help..

INTERROGATOR

Don’t be drawn into a never ending cycle of accusations and explanations with the “Interrogator”. This is a tactic meant to perpetuate confusion and uncertainty. Avoid defensive behaviors like cowering back and giving in; recognize that the questioning is a set-up to prove their fears or perceptions. Confront the reasoning or intent behind the questioning. The “Interrogator” will then likely re-frame the questioning in a way that is more genuine to what she really needs to know. Don’t surrender to anger or frustration. The key is to be patient, moderate and confidently firm about your integrity and character.

INTIMIDATOR

“Intimidators” often attack when others are least able or unwilling to confront them. The best response for dealing with them is to 1) name the game, 2) consider whether the accusations are right and correct and 3) refuse to be knocked “off balance”. Where possible, create distance from her to minimize control but stay close enough to know what she doing. When the “Intimidator” recognizes that the tactics can’t overcome resolution or haven’t invoked fear, she may get uglier and plan a more dramatic move. Patience, control and persistence will eventually outlast the “Intimidator”.

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Hi Voyager :)

First of all, let me say, I am very proud of you :) Gathering the courage to talk to your mum took a lot of guts and you did it. This only shows that you are stronger than you think. See, after all it wasn't that bad. I bet you feel at least a bit better now that you have that out of your system.

I understand that you still have some fears and doubts, but you've made the first step towards indipendence and I AM SURE everything will fall into place slowly. Yes, it will take some time and I completely agree with everything anonemus9 has said. Plan your things carefully, and take one step at a time. Even if everything doesn't come out the way you planned at first, don't back out. I'm sure you can pull this off.

I don't know why, but I feel such positivity coming from you. Maybe because we are in similar situations, I don't know.

What really surprises me the most is coming out to your mother. I'm saying that because she being a hard-core christian hasn't disowned you, shunned you or anything like that. She may have said some things like God will punish you ( :rolleyes: ) and those kind of things, but as I see she still accepts you and wants to "save" (again :rolleyes: ) you.

I wish you the best of luck, and of course keep this thread going by informing us about your progress :)

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I know I am going to get slapped for this but...I don't believe one word of your story...not one!

Here is why:

I, myself, still don't have a GED (got a HS diploma from an independent company), literally could not tell you where North, South, East, or West is from here or anywhere, or how to read a map, just now learned my times tables, don't own one piece of property, am thousands of dollars in debt, don't have a real (stable) job, can never get Financial Aid (for school) again, have no insurance, really nothing going for me...

Your entire post is written in extremely good English, character phrasing, puntuation, no mispelled words, well thought out, parenthesis in the correct places...

It is written as an Author would pen a novel...not as someone who is virtually illiterate would write...and trust me...I know people, several in fact, who grew up as you say you have...Age doesn't change much. It just makes you older.

You would have us believe that you can't read a map...and yet you can write page after page flawlessly? Sorry, I don't buy it. But if you fess up and tell us you are working on a novel, I might buy that...literally.

Edited by joc
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I know I am going to get slapped for this but...I don't believe one word of your story...not one!

Here is why:

Your entire post is written in extremely good English, character phrasing, puntuation, no mispelled words, well thought out, parenthesis in the correct places...

It is written as an Author would pen a novel...not as someone who is virtually illiterate would write...and trust me...I know people, several in fact, who grew up as you say you have...Age doesn't change much. It just makes you older.

You would have us believe that you can't read a map...and yet you can write page after page flawlessly? Sorry, I don't buy it. But if you fess up and tell us you are working on a novel, I might buy that...literally.

Ya, I got this same response by a couple of people in another thread that I posted this in. I guess I should see this as a compliment. Thank you! Writing is actually the thing that I have been complimented for the most in life. It and visual arts (drawing, etc...) were the only things I was really interested in throughout my life. I would not mind writing a book one day. But I never claimed to be illiterate. Someone suggested to me that my scholastic problems have not been a problem with intelligence but a problem with self-esteem. A guess I cannot really argue with this idea, because a lot of my issues with school work was because of a lack of motivation, and that lack of motivation was usually based on how I felt about myself.

I used to want glasses because I thought that if I wore glasses in school that I would feel smarter, but unfortunately (or so I thought) I didn't have a problem with my eyesight so I didn't have a legitimate excuse to wear glasses... Growing up, I always struggled with self image. I still do. But it was a tremendous struggle trying to find myself. And in the midst of that I could not focus much on arithmetic. I've come to find that I am more of an artistic person. Although I can be very analytical, I use the creative side of my brain more than the rational side. if only I could tap into that other side...

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Ya, I got this same response by a couple of people in another thread that I posted this in. I guess I should see this as a compliment. Thank you! Writing is actually the thing that I have been complimented for the most in life. It and visual arts (drawing, etc...) were the only things I was really interested in throughout my life. I would not mind writing a book one day. But I never claimed to be illiterate. Someone suggested to me that my scholastic problems have not been a problem with intelligence but a problem with self-esteem. A guess I cannot really argue with this idea, because a lot of my issues with school work was because of a lack of motivation, and that lack of motivation was usually based on how I felt about myself.

I used to want glasses because I thought that if I wore glasses in school that I would feel smarter, but unfortunately (or so I thought) I didn't have a problem with my eyesight so I didn't have a legitimate excuse to wear glasses... Growing up, I always struggled with self image. I still do. But it was a tremendous struggle trying to find myself. And in the midst of that I could not focus much on arithmetic. I've come to find that I am more of an artistic person. Although I can be very analytical, I use the creative side of my brain more than the rational side. if only I could tap into that other side...

I'll take you at your word. Then my advice: Just leave....don't tell anyone anything...just leave a note saying: Dear Mom, I'm moving out. I found a place to live. I'll be in touch. Love, Voyager

It's just that simple...do it!

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Seems like your mother is sMOTHERing you. It seems odd that she threatens you with what God will do if you leave. Your 30 man! .. Love ya Mom, but i'm outies.

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Life's too short. I'm sure things will get a lot better after you move out.

Also if your mother is allowed to make mistakes then why can't you?

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Even though I talked to my mother a couple months ago about moving out, and the conversation was mature, she still vehemently disagreed with my decision, and the last thing she said to me, before I closed her room door, was "I can see you're one of those children who God's going to have to whoop!"

So, she obviously has assumed that because she has scared me that my mind automatically changed (she always does this), which is why I haven't brought it up again. But I stayed the night over my friend's house the other night, and I am going to do the same tomorrow night (because I'm riding with them to a meeting in another city). I'm really trying to gain the motivation I need to make the decision to move.

But when I just let her know about me staying the night again she told me I need to cut it out because it's a "trick." I gather, from what she said to me that night we talked that she basically believes that my friends/roommates are secretly homosexual and that I'm moving over there so that I can live in sin. which is ultimately going to send me to Hell. She believes that if I get out of the will of God---move out of her house, that my soul is going to either be damned forever or God is going to heap wrath upon me for being disobedient/rebellious, and that there's no telling what trials and tribulations He's going to bring in my life. She keeps insisting/emphasizing that me staying with my friends is a "trick" of the devil.

And now, I honestly feel as guilty and afraid as I did before I ever told her. It's like I'm back at square #1. I just cannot, for the life of me, gather enough courage/confidence to do it. I'm feeling very nervous even as I'm typing this. I know people keep telling me to stand up to my mother. Well, that's much easier said than done----on your parts since you don't have to deal with this first-hand, and you don't know my mother.

Edited by Voyager

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I did go ahead and have that conversation with her last night, so I wouldn't be paranoid all day today... And it was just like telling her all over again. She obviously took nothing I said---out of the 1 hr 1/2 conversation we had the last time---seriously. And she keeps insisting that the Holy Spirit is going to whoop me or lift His hedge of protection off of my life once I walk out of that door. She doesn't care about my reasons for doing it; she sees them as "excuses."

She also has the tendency to bring up my father in every conversations. I never met my father, but I never blamed him for anything either since I know he had a legitimate reason for staying away (he's from another country and got stuck over there by people who were controlling him). He has been contacting her lately and he is supposed to be coming over here soon, for the first time in 30 years. She always throws his (potential) opinions in the arguments. She once told me that if he knew that I was gay he would drop dead of a heart attack. I finally brought this to her attention last night as it was really getting under my skin that way she uses him against me... But she believes he will think my decision is foolish!

They also have a different culture in Africa (where he's from) and she believes that America has it wrong. She believes that a man has no reason to leave home unless he is getting married or going to college in another state or far city. I asked her if she expects me to be living home when I'm 80 years old (providing I haven't married by then) and she said YES. She doesn't care about age, she takes the bible literal.

She's also extra protective of me since finding out about my sexuality. And I remember when I was 17 this "prophetess" lady at our church called my family up and prophecied over us and when she got to me she told my mother to watch me because I'm "sneaky." It wasn't longed after that that she found something incriminating on me and I suppose it proved what the prophetess had told her. And she has been suspicious of me since. After my younger brother outed me to her (found a personal letter I had written to a guy and gave it to her to read) she started investigating everything I did---and my younger siblings were her CI agents. She once went through my hotmail account and read several of my very personal emails, she went on my laptop computer when I was out of town (fleeing her), she rummaged through my bedroom and my belongings throwing out books I had on psychic phenomena (after my brother also told her about my interest in the occult). This was a few years ago (I was around 25 or so) and whenever I think about her reading my emails I still get angry! And if I have a personal letter that I have written to someone lying on my dresser today, she will pick it up and start reading it, regardless if I or anyone else is in the room.

She doesn't see what she does as being "nosy" but "concerned." And she told me that this is her house so of course she is going to investigate what goes on in her house. But when I tell her I'm leaving she threatens me. It's like I can't do anything to please or satisfy her. She wants total control over my life, as she believes that God has given her spiritual authority and shown her His will for my life. She told me that she when it comes to her children she will wrestle a snake, a lion, a bear, she doesn't care, not when it comes to her children! So, she is going to be aggressive with everything dealing with me. I only wish she was this aggressive about me finishing school... But then again, she knows the will of God for me concerning this too.

This morning, she texted me (at work): "Son, Holy Spirit reminded me of something last night. DON'T DO IT!"

I am tempted to change my number so that she won't be able to contact me. But I wouldn't feel right doing that and she has serious health issues that are unpredictable, so I wouldn't want something to happen to her and then no one was able to get a hold of me... that would be wrong.

I had decided I'm not going to move out. I'm just going to quit my job after February, go to school, try my hardest to study so that I can possibly get some kind of scholarship for a college in another state---as soon as possible. I thought about going to the Army, but she is adamantly against that too. The only thing it seems like she would approve of is me going to college (My baby sister is in college---on a scholarship---in another state). So that's what I'm going to do.

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Do what my daughter did....rent a uhaul truck and when I was away on vacation ... load it up with your stuff and move out. lol

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Do what my daughter did....rent a uhaul truck and when I was away on vacation ... load it up with your stuff and move out. lol

That's funny... LOL

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