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Beany

Loss of faith

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At the beginning of each year I choose a practice for the year. One year it was gratitude, another year, forgiveness. I figured a year is enough time for the practice to deepen, for me to internalize it if it had value, and to really grok it. You Heinlen fans know all about grokking. Anyway, a couple of years ago, I decided to practice identifying and letting go of beliefs that had little or no basis in fact, and to limit my beliefs to what I knew to be true for myself. At the end of the 3rd month my list of beliefs was whittled down to maybe 3 or 4 things, and it felt good to lighten the load. I gained some insight and began to see things perhaps a little more clearly for what they actually are instead of how I perceived them to be based on my own prejudices & false conclusions.

So now here I am, a couple of years later, and I'm not sure I hold any important beliefs, other than the importance of integrity & compassion to my well being. This isn't always a comfortable place for me; it feels like the older I get and the more I practice this detachment, the less I know and the less I'm sure of. I look at the people around me, many of whom are very certain and sure of themselves & their beliefs, and I'm both envious of their self-assurance, and distrustful of it, at the same time. I'm also wondering where this journey is taking me. The only thing I'm sure of is that I'm moving into new terrain, but I have not a clue as to where I'm going.

So through all this confusion, anxiety, and uncertainty, the thought came to me just this afternoon, that maybe instead of shaping the world/reality to fit me, maybe the reverse will happen. Maybe I need to be stripped of all my beliefs in order to let reality shape me, or in order to see more of a reality that exists independent of me. Sort of like letting it, whatever it is, finally shape me. Hey, maybe I'll even catch a glimpse of that mysterious "it." If anyone has anything to offer, I'm happy to entertain it, because right now I'm feeling what I usually feel when I'm in the midst of change: confused, anxious, and wanting to go hide in a cave, none of which is helpful. I'm hoping to hear from those who have had a similar experience, or who maybe in the middle of it themselves, like I am. Anyhoo, thanks for hearing my little voice crying out in the wilderness!

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God is shaping you. You are in his hands. Let go and let God.

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I think you have successfully stepped out of your birth boxes. Congratulations. It doesn't really matter where you are going. As long as things make sense to you. That's how I see it anyway. If things make sense to me...good...if they don't, why not? You just have to work it all out logically in your own head. :nw: Beware the maze of life...pick a path that is straight and true and then follow it.

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God is shaping you. You are in his hands. Let go and let God.

It really feels more like being unshaped. I feel like a hermit crab that's outgrown it's shell. Letting go, that's great advice, thank you. Not so easy to do though, because I've always been pretty self-directed. God is one of those concepts I'm not certain about, and I'm even iffy on the Goddess. It may be that how I frame the issue, using old language, would obscure rather than enlighten.

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I think you have successfully stepped out of your birth boxes. Congratulations. It doesn't really matter where you are going. As long as things make sense to you. That's how I see it anyway. If things make sense to me...good...if they don't, why not? You just have to work it all out logically in your own head. :nw: Beware the maze of life...pick a path that is straight and true and then follow it.

I think I'm trying to not pick a path, but let the path pick me. Does this sound sort of grasshopperish? Where's David Carradine when you need him? You know, you may be right, maybe it doesn't really matter where I'm going. I've been suspecting lately that my place in the universe is much less important than I used to believe. Sometimes I just need to get over myself.

Edited by Beany
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But you say you don't care about anything other than your own well being ?

I personally,don't think that's healthy ,despite the fact a huge portion of the world does this.

I may be misunderstanding ....

I assume you care about family ,but if you care about nothing but yourself,you miss a lot of life ?

If I were you ,one year I would devote time to something,that is a selfless endeavor . Some thing you care about .

Cleaning the parks ,if you love nature .

Volunteering at a homeless shelter or nursing home.

Volunteering at an animal rescue .

Something you must have some sort of feeling about ,as a societal problem .

Pollution

Helpless people

Animals

Environmental problems like fracking.

This is just my thing,as without people who care about something other than themselves ,the world is a much worse place.

Good luck on your journey .

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At the end of the 3rd month my list of beliefs was whittled down to maybe 3 or 4 things, and it felt good to lighten the load. I gained some insight and began to see things perhaps a little more clearly for what they actually are instead of how I perceived them to be based on my own prejudices & false conclusions.

So now here I am, a couple of years later, and I'm not sure I hold any important beliefs, other than the importance of integrity & compassion to my well being. This isn't always a comfortable place for me; it feels like the older I get and the more I practice this detachment, the less I know and the less I'm sure of. I look at the people around me, many of whom are very certain and sure of themselves & their beliefs, and I'm both envious of their self-assurance, and distrustful of it, at the same time. I'm also wondering where this journey is taking me. The only thing I'm sure of is that I'm moving into new terrain, but I have not a clue as to where I'm going.

Maybe I need to be stripped of all my beliefs in order to let reality shape me, or in order to see more of a reality that exists independent of me. Sort of like letting it, whatever it is, finally shape me. Hey, maybe I'll even catch a glimpse of that mysterious "it." If anyone has anything to offer, I'm happy to entertain it, because right now I'm feeling what I usually feel when I'm in the midst of change: confused, anxious, and wanting to go hide in a cave, none of which is helpful. I'm hoping to hear from those who have had a similar experience, or who maybe in the middle of it themselves, like I am. Anyhoo, thanks for hearing my little voice crying out in the wilderness!

Hi Beany,

"I'm not sure I hold any important beliefs, other than the importance of integrity & compassion to my well being."

That's wonderful, and our well-being needs to be nurtured and protected. Spirituality is our personal journey, after all. We're not doing it for the world. When a person is really connected to his or her well being, he or she projects that to the world, without even thinking about it. It doesn't have a banner or label behind his or her goodness. No agendas. Just is.

You have lost some of the unnecessary trimmings of faith (the hearsays, superstitions, trendy hot topics for the year), but you have regained your "self."

You sound like a neat woman. Actually, you are already shaping your world. You have started the deletion process. Reinventing one's self is never a comfortable. Letting go of old, worn-out beliefs are never that easy. More often than not, outside forces will encourage that massive change to happen, but at the same, the well ingrained belief system in your configuration will fight to the very end. Who said, change is natural? You are trying to go beyond your equilibrium. Spiritual work is just that -- WORK. A person is either trying to rise above one's muck, or dislocating his or her equilibrium to see another (deeper?) side of life in an endless dance. Life is never over, until it's really over.

Peace.

Paul

------------------

"Your only protection is your inaccessibility. And that is what you are working to destroy." 14 YEARS WITH MY TEACHER (Swami Rudrananda)

"It is imposible to preserve a self-image and reach any depth in spiritual work." SPIRITUAL CANNIBALISM (Swami Rudrananda)

"(However)...you can't just listen to your own ideas and expect to get anywhere." IN HIS OWN WORDS (Swami Rudrananda)

"How many fingers, Winston?" 1984

"But one thing you will realize as a result of this work is that you don't know who you are." 14 YEARS WITH MY TEACHER (Swami Rudrananda)

Edited by braveone2u

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I think I'm trying to not pick a path, but let the path pick me. Does this sound sort of grasshopperish? Where's David Carradine when you need him? You know, you may be right, maybe it doesn't really matter where I'm going. I've been suspecting lately that my place in the universe is much less important than I used to believe. Sometimes I just need to get over myself.

That's it Beany. Get over yourself. But, understand that your place in the Universe is Extremely Important. Why? Because the only thing that exists is Energy and Energy manifests in an Infinite number of forms, for an infinite number of reasons...but if it manifests at all, it does so with purpose. The Universe will choose a path for you. Be... in the Universal Flow. You can pick your own path or you can choose not to pick a path, the Universe is already flowing within you and without you. It is Ego (the definition of ourselves that we cling to) that creates the maze of confusion. Not to get all Biblical or anything (I glean truth from where ever I find it) but when Moses asked the Voice in the Burning Bush who it was, the Voice answered..I Am. And so, I Am is an expression of just being without definitions. It is a wonderful thing just To Be.

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But you say you don't care about anything other than your own well being ?

I personally,don't think that's healthy ,despite the fact a huge portion of the world does this.

I may be misunderstanding ....

I assume you care about family ,but if you care about nothing but yourself,you miss a lot of life ?

If I were you ,one year I would devote time to something,that is a selfless endeavor . Some thing you care about .

Cleaning the parks ,if you love nature .

Volunteering at a homeless shelter or nursing home.

Volunteering at an animal rescue .

Something you must have some sort of feeling about ,as a societal problem .

Pollution

Helpless people

Animals

Environmental problems like fracking.

This is just my thing,as without people who care about something other than themselves ,the world is a much worse place.

Good luck on your journey .

Getting involving is a great idea, and something I'm already doing. I do care immensely about the people I love, my animals, my job, the environment, and I'm active in all those areas. It's my belief system around religion & spirituality that I'm dealing with. Thanks for your post, because it pushed me towards clarification, which is always good. I'm certain that some of the best ways to get through life are to be a positive force in words & action, to stand on my ethical code, to stay out of judgement, and ground myself in compassion. As I'm typing this, I realize that what we do right now, in the moment, is much more important than what we profess to believe, so I can begin to feel the upside of all this. Thanks for your thoughtfulness.

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That's it Beany. Get over yourself. But, understand that your place in the Universe is Extremely Important. Why? Because the only thing that exists is Energy and Energy manifests in an Infinite number of forms, for an infinite number of reasons...but if it manifests at all, it does so with purpose. The Universe will choose a path for you. Be... in the Universal Flow. You can pick your own path or you can choose not to pick a path, the Universe is already flowing within you and without you. It is Ego (the definition of ourselves that we cling to) that creates the maze of confusion. Not to get all Biblical or anything (I glean truth from where ever I find it) but when Moses asked the Voice in the Burning Bush who it was, the Voice answered..I Am. And so, I Am is an expression of just being without definitions. It is a wonderful thing just To Be.

Last night I went out to commune with the night sky, and saw the Pleides, that big planet hanging beneath it, and Orion. And I saw what was probably an early arrival of the Persid meteor shower, a brief flash of light, then it was gone. And I was thinking, that's me. I'm here, I'll shine brightly, then burn out. In a hundred years there will be no one on this planet who knows what my voice sounds like, who knows or would care about the journey of my life. And I'm OK with that, in fact, it's sort of freeing. So I get what you're saying about me, each of us, being extremely important in the big picture, but I'm not sure that's true, or as true as I used to think it was. The universe will continue to beeble along with or without me and I suspect my presence is far more important to me than it is to the universe.

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Hi Beany,

"I'm not sure I hold any important beliefs, other than the importance of integrity & compassion to my well being."

That's wonderful, and our well-being needs to be nurtured and protected. Spirituality is our personal journey, after all. We're not doing it for the world. When a person is really connected to his or her well being, he or she projects that to the world, without even thinking about it. It doesn't have a banner or label behind his or her goodness. No agendas. Just is.

You have lost some of the unnecessary trimmings of faith (the hearsays, superstitions, trendy hot topics for the year), but you have regained your "self."

You sound like a neat woman. Actually, you are already shaping your world. You have started the deletion process. Reinventing one's self is never a comfortable. Letting go of old, worn-out beliefs are never that easy. More often than not, outside forces will encourage that massive change to happen, but at the same, the well ingrained belief system in your configuration will fight to the very end. Who said, change is natural? You are trying to go beyond your equilibrium. Spiritual work is just that -- WORK. A person is either trying to rise above one's muck, or dislocating his or her equilibrium to see another (deeper?) side of life in an endless dance. Life is never over, until it's really over.

Peace.

Paul

------------------

"Your only protection is your inaccessibility. And that is what you are working to destroy." 14 YEARS WITH MY TEACHER (Swami Rudrananda)

"It is imposible to preserve a self-image and reach any depth in spiritual work." SPIRITUAL CANNIBALISM (Swami Rudrananda)

"(However)...you can't just listen to your own ideas and expect to get anywhere." IN HIS OWN WORDS (Swami Rudrananda)

"How many fingers, Winston?" 1984

"But one thing you will realize as a result of this work is that you don't know who you are." 14 YEARS WITH MY TEACHER (Swami Rudrananda)

Paul, thanks for the encouragement. I love that first quote, that's exactly how I feel. I've done a lot of work over the years, and now I'm at a place where I'm thinking not doing is exactly what I need, that instead of seeking I need to be still and pay attention to what may be revealed, and not pick up a box of crayons and color things in with my ideas of what is right or beautiful or possible. Maybe spending time in gratitude for being here and admiration for the beauty all around me will help relieve my anxiety.

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Last night I went out to commune with the night sky, and saw the Pleides, that big planet hanging beneath it, and Orion. And I saw what was probably an early arrival of the Persid meteor shower, a brief flash of light, then it was gone. And I was thinking, that's me. I'm here, I'll shine brightly, then burn out. In a hundred years there will be no one on this planet who knows what my voice sounds like, who knows or would care about the journey of my life. And I'm OK with that, in fact, it's sort of freeing. So I get what you're saying about me, each of us, being extremely important in the big picture, but I'm not sure that's true, or as true as I used to think it was. The universe will continue to beeble along with or without me and I suspect my presence is far more important to me than it is to the universe.

Wow...that is so awesome because: Late last night...after midnight...after looking at the thermometer (20 degrees) I realized I hadn't locked in the chickens...so I put on my coat and warm things and trodded off to the chicken coop. I looked up at the sky, clear as can be, the entire Milky Way on display...and I just stopped and for about one minute I looked up and I saw that bright Planet and I thought...wow, that is so awesome...and I told the Universe...You are so awesome, thank you for manifesting as me...and suddenly...swish...a 'shooting star' across the sky...a You're Welcome from the Universe. I wonder if we were experiencing that at the same time...

Would you feel better or more important if you had been manifest as Venus? Possibly the meteor that shot across the sky burning up as it entered the atmosphere? Would you feel more important if you were the piece of paper blowing across the road in the wind? Or maybe the Wind itself? How about a Frog in a pond? Or the Pond? A starving child in the Sudan? Or the dust under the feet of the starving child?

There is an infinite pool of 'potential'. And out of that pool Energy manifests. You ARE the Universe. :wub:

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I think I'm trying to not pick a path, but let the path pick me. Does this sound sort of grasshopperish? Where's David Carradine when you need him? You know, you may be right, maybe it doesn't really matter where I'm going. I've been suspecting lately that my place in the universe is much less important than I used to believe. Sometimes I just need to get over myself.

Hi Beany

It seems different and new to stop trying to be in order to just be...the art of just being...can we truly get very far with trying to be what we already are, I say yes, we can get way far away from just being. Maybe when we get past the work of trying not to try then we will fall over with exhaustion into just being without any effort!

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Thanks Beany for posting this. I feel much the same way as you do..while I didn't go and adopt a yearly practice I did, however, eliminate beliefs or at least widened the distance between myself and the ideas I hold/held.

The point for me is not to be comfortable and let others tell me how to feel or believe but to eliminate this self-importance/self esteem that society tells me to have.

I do what needs to be done because it needs to be done, not because I need to fulfill some emotional need.

To be honest the individual identity of the person who is in need is irrelevant as is the personal identity of the person performing the actions just so long as the need is met.

I think what you are doing is great and it would be great if more people could take a step back, extricate themselves from life and really examine why they feel this or that or why they feel the need to believe in what everyone else does.

Edited by Ryu
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It seems like you're becoming where we all need to be. Shaking off all the preconcieved teachings not based in fact. Welcome to the club, now let's have a party!

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Hi Beany,

It is always great that people share their personal experiences about the path they are on. It was interesting to read. Thank you!

I grew up in a non-religious family. My parents were not atheists, but rather a sort of agnostics. My father actually was a strong believer of reincarnation and my mother, I think did not have an opinion about the matter. She often visited local churchyard, though she seldomly went to church. I think she was sort of an ancestry worshiper if you will.

I remember when I was spending time with my cousins and when it was time for us kids go to bed I heard my aunt say a prayer with them. I was bewildered by this. Of course I had heard about Jesus, But had not pay much thought about it.

Now when I went to my home I asked about my mother about this. I wanted to know why she had never prayed with me.

My mother kindly explained to me that her intend was always to let me find my own answers. She did not want to fill my head of religion stuff because I had wild imagination and she was afraid that it might not do good to me, because I was easily scared and had nightmares quite often.

To me the idea of God was acceptable, even natural. It was like I had always knew God. The thing different was know that this time I had a name for Him and now I new His son too.

I think it is like this for all children. Close to God in the holy spirit.

When I started to give names these perfectly natural things I started to feel some conflict in me. World was not a peaceful place anymore. It seemed chaotic and even violent. It was nothing like a Gods kingdom on earth shut be.

Later in my life I abandoned most of my childhood beliefs, trying only to keep my heart open and my mind set.

I thought that I needed to forget everything I was thought. I felt I needed to reprogram myself in order to get to the core of things.

I searched and read lot of different types of spiritual literature, but even though I find it very useful for my spiritual bath, it sort of did not lead me anywhere.

Actually I think, I had even more questions than answers. This is of course normal for most of us. In life only certainty there is, is that we know so little of inothing.

But I had these mystical experiences that made me think that there was something special in me.

I crew a bit arrogant. Self-righteously I thought that I was on the bath. And others, well they where a little mediocre. I felt utterly alone.

This lead me eventually hurt myself and others in a way I could not have possibly predict.

I got sick but this was not sickness of body but rather sickness of soul if you will.

Because of this I had to re-evaluate my previous ways of thinking. I felt horrible anguish and thought that if I am not in Hell already, then I don't want get to know the real deal.

This made me turn back to Jesus as I once did. This time though, I was utterly lost and confused. There was no trace of that mystical knowledge that I once had. Only humiliation.

But eventually, with a loving forgiveness of others once miss treated, and maybe little bit of my own will too, I was able to accept that maybe there still was worth in me.

I regain some of my old self back. Only some of it though.

Observer in me is still the same, but perception has been changed forever. I have lost something that I can not even give a name. World is still confusing, but now I try to keep it simple.

I am able to see other people now not as a manifestation of my own anger and frustrations, but actual beings with real emotions and hardships like myself.

It will never be the same for me, but it is not an end either. I have gained also some insight as well.

And now I think I know what is important. It is not me being '' there'' first. It is us going there together. I am not in Hell anymore and that is enough right now.

Thank you all who had the patience to read this trough. It was bit long I know and I hope it was not that frustrating read. English is not my mother language and I am sorry if there are too many typos.

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At the beginning of each year I choose a practice for the year. One year it was gratitude, another year, forgiveness. I figured a year is enough time for the practice to deepen, for me to internalize it if it had value, and to really grok it. You Heinlen fans know all about grokking. Anyway, a couple of years ago, I decided to practice identifying and letting go of beliefs that had little or no basis in fact, and to limit my beliefs to what I knew to be true for myself. At the end of the 3rd month my list of beliefs was whittled down to maybe 3 or 4 things, and it felt good to lighten the load. I gained some insight and began to see things perhaps a little more clearly for what they actually are instead of how I perceived them to be based on my own prejudices & false conclusions.

So now here I am, a couple of years later, and I'm not sure I hold any important beliefs, other than the importance of integrity & compassion to my well being. This isn't always a comfortable place for me; it feels like the older I get and the more I practice this detachment, the less I know and the less I'm sure of. I look at the people around me, many of whom are very certain and sure of themselves & their beliefs, and I'm both envious of their self-assurance, and distrustful of it, at the same time. I'm also wondering where this journey is taking me. The only thing I'm sure of is that I'm moving into new terrain, but I have not a clue as to where I'm going.

So through all this confusion, anxiety, and uncertainty, the thought came to me just this afternoon, that maybe instead of shaping the world/reality to fit me, maybe the reverse will happen. Maybe I need to be stripped of all my beliefs in order to let reality shape me, or in order to see more of a reality that exists independent of me. Sort of like letting it, whatever it is, finally shape me. Hey, maybe I'll even catch a glimpse of that mysterious "it." If anyone has anything to offer, I'm happy to entertain it, because right now I'm feeling what I usually feel when I'm in the midst of change: confused, anxious, and wanting to go hide in a cave, none of which is helpful. I'm hoping to hear from those who have had a similar experience, or who maybe in the middle of it themselves, like I am. Anyhoo, thanks for hearing my little voice crying out in the wilderness!

I am sort of in this place too. Well for me it started like two years ago and it has been a very growthful and also confusing time. I am still in the mix of wet cement churning for understanding, sometimes I think I will be in this state indefinitely because I know there will always be more that I do not know, but my eyes have been opened to a variety ways of seeing and I am definitely closer to god than ever before.. It is a good place for me personally

but I'd do feel a lot of rejection from people who cannot see the way that I do. I try to let them know that I do see like them, but I also see in different ways, god has given me the view of a larger picture that is still hard for me to articulate, but I love this stage, although it can be lonely, confusing and spiritually grueling... At least it is not spiritually grueling in the way of forcing myself to eat other peoples garbage, it is spiritually grueling in allowing myself to expand and allowing my own thoughts and attitudes have authority and not conforming

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The universe will continue to beeble along with or without me and I suspect my presence is far more important to me than it is to the universe.

I don't agree, you know about the ripple effect. You are a force my dear....

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At the beginning of each year I choose a practice for the year. One year it was gratitude, another year, forgiveness. I figured a year is enough time for the practice to deepen, for me to internalize it if it had value, and to really grok it. You Heinlen fans know all about grokking. Anyway, a couple of years ago, I decided to practice identifying and letting go of beliefs that had little or no basis in fact, and to limit my beliefs to what I knew to be true for myself. At the end of the 3rd month my list of beliefs was whittled down to maybe 3 or 4 things, and it felt good to lighten the load. I gained some insight and began to see things perhaps a little more clearly for what they actually are instead of how I perceived them to be based on my own prejudices & false conclusions.

So now here I am, a couple of years later, and I'm not sure I hold any important beliefs, other than the importance of integrity & compassion to my well being. This isn't always a comfortable place for me; it feels like the older I get and the more I practice this detachment, the less I know and the less I'm sure of. I look at the people around me, many of whom are very certain and sure of themselves & their beliefs, and I'm both envious of their self-assurance, and distrustful of it, at the same time. I'm also wondering where this journey is taking me. The only thing I'm sure of is that I'm moving into new terrain, but I have not a clue as to where I'm going.

So through all this confusion, anxiety, and uncertainty, the thought came to me just this afternoon, that maybe instead of shaping the world/reality to fit me, maybe the reverse will happen. Maybe I need to be stripped of all my beliefs in order to let reality shape me, or in order to see more of a reality that exists independent of me. Sort of like letting it, whatever it is, finally shape me. Hey, maybe I'll even catch a glimpse of that mysterious "it." If anyone has anything to offer, I'm happy to entertain it, because right now I'm feeling what I usually feel when I'm in the midst of change: confused, anxious, and wanting to go hide in a cave, none of which is helpful. I'm hoping to hear from those who have had a similar experience, or who maybe in the middle of it themselves, like I am. Anyhoo, thanks for hearing my little voice crying out in the wilderness!

I think you are doing a wonderful job. Only an empty cup can be filled. Real Surrender is a wonderful beginning.... And end. I think you will find your "it".

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Hey, Seeker, I like that empty cup reference. And I'm also reminder of that phrase "the constantly becoming woman." Everyone, your wisdom & support is helping me over the bumpy road 've been on. I guess we don't always need to visit a guru or spend money on a retreat, sometimes we can just ask our friends & neighbors. I'm a big believer in common wisdom, for sure, and I've found a lot of it here. The great thing about most of the responses was the language & imagery used, it was mostly open-ended, which helps me stay the temptation to define this experience in terms of past experience, which I think would inhibit the full development of whatever comes next. Does that make any sense? In my mind I'm holding images of emptiness, i.e. an empty bowl, an empty night sky, an empty ocean, an empty field of snow in hopes this experience will definite itself, and I'm waiting to see what fills it. Well, I'll see where this takes me. This isn't the first time I've been turned upside down like this, but this IS the first time I've brought it on myself.

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At the beginning of each year I choose a practice for the year. One year it was gratitude, another year, forgiveness. I figured a year is enough time for the practice to deepen, for me to internalize it if it had value, and to really grok it. You Heinlen fans know all about grokking. Anyway, a couple of years ago, I decided to practice identifying and letting go of beliefs that had little or no basis in fact, and to limit my beliefs to what I knew to be true for myself. At the end of the 3rd month my list of beliefs was whittled down to maybe 3 or 4 things, and it felt good to lighten the load. I gained some insight and began to see things perhaps a little more clearly for what they actually are instead of how I perceived them to be based on my own prejudices & false conclusions.

So now here I am, a couple of years later, and I'm not sure I hold any important beliefs, other than the importance of integrity & compassion to my well being. This isn't always a comfortable place for me; it feels like the older I get and the more I practice this detachment, the less I know and the less I'm sure of. I look at the people around me, many of whom are very certain and sure of themselves & their beliefs, and I'm both envious of their self-assurance, and distrustful of it, at the same time. I'm also wondering where this journey is taking me. The only thing I'm sure of is that I'm moving into new terrain, but I have not a clue as to where I'm going.

So through all this confusion, anxiety, and uncertainty, the thought came to me just this afternoon, that maybe instead of shaping the world/reality to fit me, maybe the reverse will happen. Maybe I need to be stripped of all my beliefs in order to let reality shape me, or in order to see more of a reality that exists independent of me. Sort of like letting it, whatever it is, finally shape me. Hey, maybe I'll even catch a glimpse of that mysterious "it." If anyone has anything to offer, I'm happy to entertain it, because right now I'm feeling what I usually feel when I'm in the midst of change: confused, anxious, and wanting to go hide in a cave, none of which is helpful. I'm hoping to hear from those who have had a similar experience, or who maybe in the middle of it themselves, like I am. Anyhoo, thanks for hearing my little voice crying out in the wilderness!

Hi Beany,

I used to be completely self-assured and certain my religious belief was the absolute truth. Then one day I noticed tiny cracks had appeared in the seemingly flawless foundation of my belief. I could hardly believe it as I watched it crumble and fall in rubble around my feet. I was devastated and thought, "What now? What else can there possibly be?" It really felt like the end of everything. But something would not let me give up looking and searching. The amazing thing was, the more I looked - the more I found and the more came into focus.

As you said, you are moving into new terrain! Each one of us is here at this particular time for a reason. Keep looking, I don't think you will be disappointed!

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Hi Beany,

It is always great that people share their personal experiences about the path they are on. It was interesting to read. Thank you!

I grew up in a non-religious family. My parents were not atheists, but rather a sort of agnostics. My father actually was a strong believer of reincarnation and my mother, I think did not have an opinion about the matter. She often visited local churchyard, though she seldomly went to church. I think she was sort of an ancestry worshiper if you will.

I remember when I was spending time with my cousins and when it was time for us kids go to bed I heard my aunt say a prayer with them. I was bewildered by this. Of course I had heard about Jesus, But had not pay much thought about it.

Now when I went to my home I asked about my mother about this. I wanted to know why she had never prayed with me.

My mother kindly explained to me that her intend was always to let me find my own answers. She did not want to fill my head of religion stuff because I had wild imagination and she was afraid that it might not do good to me, because I was easily scared and had nightmares quite often.

To me the idea of God was acceptable, even natural. It was like I had always knew God. The thing different was know that this time I had a name for Him and now I new His son too.

I think it is like this for all children. Close to God in the holy spirit.

When I started to give names these perfectly natural things I started to feel some conflict in me. World was not a peaceful place anymore. It seemed chaotic and even violent. It was nothing like a Gods kingdom on earth shut be.

Later in my life I abandoned most of my childhood beliefs, trying only to keep my heart open and my mind set.

I thought that I needed to forget everything I was thought. I felt I needed to reprogram myself in order to get to the core of things.

I searched and read lot of different types of spiritual literature, but even though I find it very useful for my spiritual bath, it sort of did not lead me anywhere.

Actually I think, I had even more questions than answers. This is of course normal for most of us. In life only certainty there is, is that we know so little of inothing.

But I had these mystical experiences that made me think that there was something special in me.

I crew a bit arrogant. Self-righteously I thought that I was on the bath. And others, well they where a little mediocre. I felt utterly alone.

This lead me eventually hurt myself and others in a way I could not have possibly predict.

I got sick but this was not sickness of body but rather sickness of soul if you will.

Because of this I had to re-evaluate my previous ways of thinking. I felt horrible anguish and thought that if I am not in Hell already, then I don't want get to know the real deal.

This made me turn back to Jesus as I once did. This time though, I was utterly lost and confused. There was no trace of that mystical knowledge that I once had. Only humiliation.

But eventually, with a loving forgiveness of others once miss treated, and maybe little bit of my own will too, I was able to accept that maybe there still was worth in me.

I regain some of my old self back. Only some of it though.

Observer in me is still the same, but perception has been changed forever. I have lost something that I can not even give a name. World is still confusing, but now I try to keep it simple.

I am able to see other people now not as a manifestation of my own anger and frustrations, but actual beings with real emotions and hardships like myself.

It will never be the same for me, but it is not an end either. I have gained also some insight as well.

And now I think I know what is important. It is not me being '' there'' first. It is us going there together. I am not in Hell anymore and that is enough right now.

Thank you all who had the patience to read this trough. It was bit long I know and I hope it was not that frustrating read. English is not my mother language and I am sorry if there are too many typos.

I think your English is just fine. :) Your story is very interesting...and very common for searchers of truth. That is really the key isn't it? The 'beliefs' we acquired as children are not meeting the 'truth' test as they once did. So, we leave our 'comfy belief box' and walk out into the world all alone; only to find that the World doesn't care anymore about us than it did before. And when we get confused, we go crawl back into our comfy belief box.

But we always leave that box in search of the Truth. For me, it has to make sense...and I think that is true for most of us. For years I tried to make everything make sense within the confines of the 'belief box'. It was only when I left the box that things made sense. For instance: I have a real problem with 'miracles' because they don't make sense. In my perspective, the truth is that virgins cannot, will not and have never had babies and that dead people do not, cannot, and will not ever suddenly come back to life. All of these things are easy to believe within a particular context. But it is the context of Truth which now guides my thought process.

What I have found to be true is that Energy exists. It cannot be destroyed, only manifested into some other form. I understand people have all kinds of names for this Energy...God, Jesus, Allah, etc. I just call it Energy. Everything that is, is this mysterious force. I cannot explain how it all works...I just seem to understand though that there is a Universal Flow to the Energy. I think the concepts of God in all languages, in all religions, from the Ancients to the Present seek to explain this Universal Flow. And that is where beliefs come into play I suppose. I don't want to believe that I know. I just want it to make sense.

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Hi Beany,

I used to be completely self-assured and certain my religious belief was the absolute truth. Then one day I noticed tiny cracks had appeared in the seemingly flawless foundation of my belief. I could hardly believe it as I watched it crumble and fall in rubble around my feet. I was devastated and thought, "What now? What else can there possibly be?" It really felt like the end of everything. But something would not let me give up looking and searching. The amazing thing was, the more I looked - the more I found and the more came into focus.

As you said, you are moving into new terrain! Each one of us is here at this particular time for a reason. Keep looking, I don't think you will be disappointed!

Would you care to share what you found? I find people's personal stories far more compelling than anything found in a book or a lecture or a seminar, because it comes from personal experiences of people living ordinary lives who are seeking a balance between the divine/sacred and the ordinary. I've always thought how easy it must be to find enlightenment if one has no family, few obligations and responsibilities, as opposed to one who has to deal with a crying baby, getting the kids to school, getting to work on time, making enough money to pay the bills, mow the lawn, get the car fixed, etc. Now THERE'S a challenge!

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I think your English is just fine. :) Your story is very interesting...and very common for searchers of truth. That is really the key isn't it? The 'beliefs' we acquired as children are not meeting the 'truth' test as they once did. So, we leave our 'comfy belief box' and walk out into the world all alone; only to find that the World doesn't care anymore about us than it did before. And when we get confused, we go crawl back into our comfy belief box.

But we always leave that box in search of the Truth. For me, it has to make sense...and I think that is true for most of us. For years I tried to make everything make sense within the confines of the 'belief box'. It was only when I left the box that things made sense. For instance: I have a real problem with 'miracles' because they don't make sense. In my perspective, the truth is that virgins cannot, will not and have never had babies and that dead people do not, cannot, and will not ever suddenly come back to life. All of these things are easy to believe within a particular context. But it is the context of Truth which now guides my thought process.

What I have found to be true is that Energy exists. It cannot be destroyed, only manifested into some other form. I understand people have all kinds of names for this Energy...God, Jesus, Allah, etc. I just call it Energy. Everything that is, is this mysterious force. I cannot explain how it all works...I just seem to understand though that there is a Universal Flow to the Energy. I think the concepts of God in all languages, in all religions, from the Ancients to the Present seek to explain this Universal Flow. And that is where beliefs come into play I suppose. I don't want to believe that I know. I just want it to make sense.

Thank you for your kind words. :yes:

I too think it is a common story. I have seen people like myself fall into that pitfall. Many will loose their faith. I almost did.

I used to think too, that Jesus can not be what has been said about Him. It is just little bit too marvelous to be true.

But in the end He was only one that remained when my so called mystical experiences ceased.

I chose to believe. It is my choice.

I have grown weary of religious debate. I don't care whether people call the energy Allah or God or a Goddes. It is all the same to me.

I once felt that energy and I felt that I was blessed.

I have lost that feeling of being part of that greatness, I think because I was selfish and did not care to share with others.

I returned my childhood believes solely, because that way I can keep my spiritual life simple. And maybe this time I don't loose my track so easily.

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sorry problem with edit mode

Edited by sutemi

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