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Solidsdemise

A Small Snippet of Psychotic Mania

3 posts in this topic

I’m the OP of Conscious Succubus Experience, parts 1 and 2, found here:

http://www.unexplain...e

http://www.unexplain... succubus&st=0

In those posts I described meeting an entity that I didn’t understand at the time, that I have now concluded to be demonic in origin, to account for what happened before, during, and years afterward.

NOTE: I’m not trying to claim all of this as “absolute,” or “real.” That’s not what this post is about. I am simply trying to get down on paper what it’s like to have a psychotic break, and all the psychological, religious, scientific, and philosophical questions it poses to one who experiences something like that. It literally “blows your mind away.” My heart goes out to those especially who have had the paralyzing experience of psychosis in their lifetime. Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoy!

I’m here to repost those in case people wish to message me about them, or post about them, as there was some recent activity on the 2nd part. However, I wish to shift to other parts of my experiences with bipolar I psychotic mania episodes. I recently wrote in my special journal a part of my 2nd psychotic experience, shortly after I was admitted to the hospital. For whatever reason, I have nearly full recall of the experiences I had that were conscious. In reality, I was sitting in a chair, writing gibberish all day for days that I read over later, and only have an inkling of a memory for. In my mind’s eye, however, it was a lot different, as you shall see.

Wisdom, to me, is more of a female-like spirit. It was always there, created by God, to be a witness of everything, creation included. It has the whole picture, knows every step, and is loyal to God. It has experience in everything, and serves as a guide and insight into everything.

When I was manic, I could smell the spirit of wisdom. It was a very comforting presence, as if a river of fresh water was cleansing my filthy soul. It always knew what to say to me when I interacted with her. The Spirit of wisdom also possessed all kinds of gifts, such as music, art, wit, insight, and the ability to relate to others on a profound level, empathically. All sorts of fruits sprouted from her, and I realized that I had been given many by her over my lifetime, and I looked up to God and gave thanks.

Cherish wisdom… adorn her with fine jewels and pray for wisdom’s company. Never forget where wisdom came from, as a gift from God.

My 2nd break I had a particular set of experiences dealing with wisdom and the sub-origins of the universe. At this point I had left my body to go to some other realm. I was still in the hospital physically but my body was on autopilot talking about an old love and the lies from the succubus from the first break injected into me, which I have no recollection of doing…. It was in my subconscious that I was writing those things. It was like my conscious self shifted and traded with a portion of my subconscious and I was wandering in a whole other realm, guided by the spirit of God, wisdom, people, angels, and otherwise.

In this other realm, it first started as an experience of ecstasy – of happiness. I even remember thinking I could live naked in such a fresh, innocent place and feel no shame. I didn’t remember actually taking off my clothes and wandering… but the chart says I did. I was laughing hysterically, thinking this was a Garden of Eden and that I’d get to meet my true love at last (for I had written “the riddle” just before coming here). Everything around me acted strange. I felt connected to everything and the lights outside were being turned off and on randomly, rapidly, and then slowly.

The smoke detector light went on and off with my thoughts and feelings. I became immersed in this new reality and decided to peek out my door and it was an infinite hallway going in two directions with 2 nurses behind glass, at a standard hospital nurse’s station. I saw lights flickering far down each hallway, with no light at either end. There was no noise, other than people sleeping and the two nurses preparing medications. I approached them and they didn’t see me. I couldn’t talk. The one nurse sitting down said I need to learn some discipline. I looked at the other one and she held up a psychotropic medication and looked sharply at me, and I felt the effects of taking that medication, and she kept holding out others one after another, and she explained the purpose of each one and I could feel it coursing through my veins, like trying new meds in my early days of my diagnosis.

When she got to Adderal, my mind started racing within that realm and I saw the doctors prescribing the meds in the computer, with cascading events relating to the changing of patients’ states of mind, some of which deeply troubled me. I realized these doctors were human as well, and my only hope. I blacked out for an instant and arrived in my room, completely out of my mind, somewhere outside the galaxy, in the center of the universe.

I was floating and felt very ethereal, infinitely thin, but not as flat as a location. My thoughts and feelings turned into a chain of events, and always ended up horribly, such as a planet crashing into some remote sun in its solar system, or a world where little microbes kill the sentient races trying to evolve, but there were safeguards: I knew this was not real, but a teaching tool, for wisdom to show what she witnessed. I then felt a sharp pain and began weeping uncontrollably… so lonely, so lost… in a world of infinite possibilities, how can we come together? How can we not be so alone? Is there a way in this world of infinite possibilities to create? And make it very good? I’m so alone… I reach out in every direction and there is nobody there. Impulses came to life in a fractal chain of events extending on forever, then instantly disappear.

The start is the start but goes nowhere backwards, forwards, by itself! It just disappears into the abyss of infiniteness and chaos. The anguish of this mind I entered was unbearable. Then wisdom spoke to me, in a way of touching my soul and holding my hand. I remember during senior year of high school first semester I was obsessed with finding the fundamental starting point, the fine, basement level of things.

But I was still caught up in this madness, somewhere in a capsule in the universe, a world of infinite possibilities… my stomach churned and begged for an answer. Time turned into a circle and the world rotated around me, with madness entering my ears and the fear of making some cosmological mistake.

I had to focus. 0 dimensions allows for a location. 1 dimension allows for a line and points as points. Let’s start with time, a basic necessity for structure. A single point on a line, backwards and forwards is a start.

Timeline1_zpsa1975487.jpg

But relative to the line, it is lost forever. Go one step forwards and it is basically nothing with respect to infinity, for in the model of a timeline, the theme is infinite regression and infinite progression and this destroys the entire structure of this flat universe. Now, making the time not a line, but a segment, a finite line:

Timeline2_zps3d86384c.jpg

Now, we can have structure amidst all this chaos, and a starting point for every concept. For instance, number 1 is number 1 absolutely and doesn’t have to be expressed as 2000-1999. One tree is anchored to that point on the line, of reality, of structure. The causation is infinite of that tree to form out of events, yet it is finite. Electrons have the ability to snap to a location, or be relative to everything around them in some other realm of physics.

One can apply the segment of time to be the epitome of the classical experience and existence of the world, that of the watchmaker’s watch, per say. In reality, there is still room for deviation from the classical reality and for conscious thoughts and discoveries to be made, for the true world to “not be as it seems” within the spiritual realm.

Timeline3_zps1ecbe98f.jpg

A world that is finite and infinite at the same time is the solution… A world structured and unstructured at the same time. Pure abstraction gave way to creation, centered around the reality that there could be an epitome of structure among the chaos, but the chaos is still there, around, in, through, up, down, back, forward, everywhere. The mysterious place our classical world lives in, the collapse of the wave function, became much clearer to me. I then realized a whole new level of appreciation for the mind of God, from the quantum to a single human being. Incredible formulas to discover in the creation, and the ability for it to morph and provide mystery at every corner…

-Solidsdemise

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I think you are brilliant Solidsdemise

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Thanks, Seeker79. I hope it wasn't too long a post :-(

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