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Aggie

Too funny!

304 posts in this topic

Hilarious, absolutely had me in tears. :tsu:

:lol:

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Pearls of Wisdom from Red Green:

Life described as stages of Parking:

Stage 1: You're a kid. All you have to park is your butt.

Stage 2: You're a teenager and are out parking with a girl who has a good chance of being your future wife.

Stage 3: You're married with kids and are now parking at a McDonald's with a play area.

Stage 4: The kids have grown and are working, coincidentally, at McDonald's. Meanwhile, you've bought yourself a sports car and are caught parking with a girl who has no chance of being your future wife.

Stage 5: Now you're parking in the garage, where you're also living.

Stage 6: You're old; no license, no car, no parking spot.

Stage 7: You're parked. Permanently. You have your own parking spot. It even has your name over it.

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TOO FUNNY NOT TO PASS ON!!

How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

.////////////////////////////////////////

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Thank you, I haven't laughed like this in quite some time. Just awesome. :lol:

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Sex is rather like a bank account. As soon as you withdraw you start losing interest.

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Sex is rather like a bank account. As soon as you withdraw you start losing interest.

LOL!

That's only true if you have sex with the wrong people.

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Sex is rather like a bank account. As soon as you withdraw you start losing interest.

But if you "insert assets" in the "account", the "net-income" will grow along - and because of - the interest.

Enough metaphors and euphemisms for one day. :)

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If all of you enjoyed the OP, you really should look into books by Richard Lederer. They contain stuff like this plus school stuff and forms filled out too literally, etc.

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But if you "insert assets" in the "account", the "net-income" will grow along - and because of - the interest.

Enough metaphors and euphemisms for one day. :)

ha ha ha ha ha

If all of you enjoyed the OP, you really should look into books by Richard Lederer. They contain stuff like this plus school stuff and forms filled out too literally, etc.

Thank you, I think I might just buy his book.

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ha ha ha ha

I love the last one!!

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That last one could be said of a parent too. The other day my friend shared a graphic on Facebook that said, "If a woman is talking and no one is listening, her name is probably MOM."

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That last one could be said of a parent too. The other day my friend shared a graphic on Facebook that said, "If a woman is talking and no one is listening, her name is probably MOM."

Reminded me of this one>> "If a man talks in the forest and his wife is not there to hear him, is he still wrong?" :D

Taken from the old philosophical thought experiment : "If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it does it make a sound"

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That last one could be said of a parent too. The other day my friend shared a graphic on Facebook that said, "If a woman is talking and no one is listening, her name is probably MOM."

Yeah...that's me with my 13 year old son!!

lol

Reminded me of this one>> "If a man talks in the forest and his wife is not there to hear him, is he still wrong?" :D

ha ha ha

He always is!

lol

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Those are just too funny. Thanks for the laugh.

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The mind of a three year old son...(mine)...

= = = =

Me (driving 3YOS to childcare): Look, can you see the Moon out the front of the car? Hello, Moon.

3YOS (sounding like he was rolling his eyes): Moon can't talk!

= = = =

Telling his first joke as we drive past a duck pond:

3YOS: That's a duck pond...(pause)...not a chicken pond!

= = = =

Getting existential:

3YOS: Pick me up!

Me: No. You're too heavy.

3YOS: But I can't pick myself up.

Edited by Peter B
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I posted this one in it's own thread a year ago or so... It's a compilation of student mistakes in History classes...

http://www.unexplained-mysteries.com/forum/index.php?showtopic=209050&hl=%2Bstudent+%2Bbloopers

Pay attention to some of the misspellings... they are pure gold...

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3YOS again: Mummy, read me another book.

Mum: No, I've just read you four books in a row.

3YOS: That okay. I read it myself.

*He sits down with book. A minute passes*

3YOS (anguished): But I don't know how to read!

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A Collection of Actual News headlines

Some are just slips of the tongue

  • Grandmother of eight makes hole in one
  • Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing
  • Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
  • House passes gas tax onto senate
  • Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan
  • Two convicts evade noose, jury hung
  • William Kelly was fed secretary
  • Milk drinkers are turning to powder
  • Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted
  • Quarter of a million Chinese live on water
  • Farmer bill dies in house
  • Iraqi head seeks arms

Some become unintentionally suggestive

  • Queen Mary having bottom scraped
  • Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?
  • Prostitutes appeal to Pope
  • Panda mating fails - veterinarian takes over
  • NJ judge to rule on nude beach
  • Child's stool great for use in garden
  • Dr. Ruth to talk about sex with newspaper editors
  • Soviet virgin lands short of goal again
  • Organ festival ends in smashing climax

Grammar often botches other headlines

  • Eye drops off shelf
  • Squad helps dog bite victim
  • Dealers will hear car talk at noon
  • Enraged cow injures farmer with ax
  • Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests
  • Miners refuse to work after death
  • Two Soviet ships collide - one dies
  • Two sisters reunite after eighteen years at checkout counter

Sometimes newspaper editors state the obvious

  • If strike isn't settled quickly it may last a while
  • War dims hope for peace
  • Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency
  • Cold wave linked to temperatures
  • Child's death ruins couple's holiday
  • Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years
  • Man is fatally slain
  • Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say
  • Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation

Edited by Taun
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3YOS again...

Late at night he calls out in obvious anguish. Mum goes to help, and comes back laughing because...

3YOS (three-quarters asleep): I can't get my thumb in my mouth!

= = = =

3YOS logic:

3YOS: Ducks not birds, big brother. Birds go in sky. Ducks go in pond.

= = = =

3YOS public service announcement:

3YOS: Scoo me everybody. Big brother just going to the toilet.

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We know the speed of light, but what's the speed of dark?

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

What's another word for Synonym?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

If a cow laughs, would milk come out of her nose?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

If a synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

Why is that when you transport something by car, it's call a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

Why do we drive on parkway, and park on driveways?

Why don't we ever hear about gruntled employees?

What is a 'Free Gift?" Aren't all gifts free?

Why is phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why do they call it a TV set, when you only get one?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

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lol

I am a "gruntled" employee.

Why "isn't" phonetic spelled the way it sounds, btw.

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There is a book called "The law is an ass" by Gyles Brandreth, all true cases.

Picking the jury:

"do you know anything about this case?" another American juror was asked.

"no"

"have you heard anything about this case?"

"no"

"have you read anything about this case?"

"no, I can`t read"

"have you formed an opinion about this case?"

"what case?"

"accepted"

------------------

An Irish jury is recorded to have returned the verdict, "we find the man who stole the mare, not guilty."

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