Popular Post Aggie Posted July 26, 2013 Popular Post #1 Share Posted July 26, 2013 (edited) TOO FUNNY NOT TO PASS ON!! How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces? These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place. ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! _______________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? WITNESS: July 18th. ATTORNEY: What year? WITNESS: Every year. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? WITNESS: Forty-five years. _________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget.. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you ****ting me? _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Getting laid ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children , right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death.. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral... _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? ______________________________________ And last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No.. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. Like and Share Edited July 26, 2013 by Aggie 42 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
s33ker Posted August 14, 2013 #2 Share Posted August 14, 2013 Hilarious, absolutely had me in tears. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Eldorado Posted August 19, 2013 Popular Post #3 Share Posted August 19, 2013 I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said ‘Aren't you going to help?’ I said ‘Nah, six should be enough.’ 10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Taun Posted August 19, 2013 #4 Share Posted August 19, 2013 Pearls of Wisdom from Red Green: Life described as stages of Parking: Stage 1: You're a kid. All you have to park is your butt. Stage 2: You're a teenager and are out parking with a girl who has a good chance of being your future wife. Stage 3: You're married with kids and are now parking at a McDonald's with a play area. Stage 4: The kids have grown and are working, coincidentally, at McDonald's. Meanwhile, you've bought yourself a sports car and are caught parking with a girl who has no chance of being your future wife. Stage 5: Now you're parking in the garage, where you're also living. Stage 6: You're old; no license, no car, no parking spot. Stage 7: You're parked. Permanently. You have your own parking spot. It even has your name over it. 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EllJay Posted August 19, 2013 #5 Share Posted August 19, 2013 TOO FUNNY NOT TO PASS ON!! How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces? These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place. .//////////////////////////////////////// Like and Share Thank you, I haven't laughed like this in quite some time. Just awesome. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eldorado Posted August 21, 2013 #6 Share Posted August 21, 2013 Sex is rather like a bank account. As soon as you withdraw you start losing interest. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aggie Posted August 21, 2013 Author #7 Share Posted August 21, 2013 Sex is rather like a bank account. As soon as you withdraw you start losing interest. LOL! That's only true if you have sex with the wrong people. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EllJay Posted August 21, 2013 #8 Share Posted August 21, 2013 Sex is rather like a bank account. As soon as you withdraw you start losing interest. But if you "insert assets" in the "account", the "net-income" will grow along - and because of - the interest. Enough metaphors and euphemisms for one day. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Keel M. Posted August 21, 2013 #9 Share Posted August 21, 2013 If all of you enjoyed the OP, you really should look into books by Richard Lederer. They contain stuff like this plus school stuff and forms filled out too literally, etc. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aggie Posted August 21, 2013 Author #10 Share Posted August 21, 2013 But if you "insert assets" in the "account", the "net-income" will grow along - and because of - the interest. Enough metaphors and euphemisms for one day. ha ha ha ha ha If all of you enjoyed the OP, you really should look into books by Richard Lederer. They contain stuff like this plus school stuff and forms filled out too literally, etc. Thank you, I think I might just buy his book. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post EllJay Posted August 21, 2013 Popular Post #11 Share Posted August 21, 2013 Here is some from the classroom.>>> TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America. MARIA: Here it is. TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America? CLASS: Maria. ____________________________________ TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables. _____________________________________ _____ TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L' TEACHER: No, that's wrong GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. ____________________________________________ TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? DONALD: H I J K L M N O. TEACHER: What are you talking about? DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O. __________________________________ TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. WINNIE: Me! _____ _____________________________________ TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty? GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. _______________________________________ TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting wi th 'I.' MILLIE: I is.. TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.' MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.' _________________________________ TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him? LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand. ______________________________________ TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook. ______________________________ TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his? CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog. ___________________________________ TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? HAROLD: A teacher 16 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aggie Posted August 21, 2013 Author #12 Share Posted August 21, 2013 ha ha ha ha I love the last one!! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Keel M. Posted August 22, 2013 #13 Share Posted August 22, 2013 That last one could be said of a parent too. The other day my friend shared a graphic on Facebook that said, "If a woman is talking and no one is listening, her name is probably MOM." 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EllJay Posted August 22, 2013 #14 Share Posted August 22, 2013 That last one could be said of a parent too. The other day my friend shared a graphic on Facebook that said, "If a woman is talking and no one is listening, her name is probably MOM." Reminded me of this one>> "If a man talks in the forest and his wife is not there to hear him, is he still wrong?" Taken from the old philosophical thought experiment : "If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it does it make a sound" 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aggie Posted August 22, 2013 Author #15 Share Posted August 22, 2013 That last one could be said of a parent too. The other day my friend shared a graphic on Facebook that said, "If a woman is talking and no one is listening, her name is probably MOM." Yeah...that's me with my 13 year old son!! lol Reminded me of this one>> "If a man talks in the forest and his wife is not there to hear him, is he still wrong?" ha ha ha He always is! lol 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brlesq1 Posted August 28, 2013 #16 Share Posted August 28, 2013 Those are just too funny. Thanks for the laugh. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peter B Posted October 11, 2013 #17 Share Posted October 11, 2013 (edited) The mind of a three year old son...(mine)... = = = = Me (driving 3YOS to childcare): Look, can you see the Moon out the front of the car? Hello, Moon. 3YOS (sounding like he was rolling his eyes): Moon can't talk! = = = = Telling his first joke as we drive past a duck pond: 3YOS: That's a duck pond...(pause)...not a chicken pond! = = = = Getting existential: 3YOS: Pick me up! Me: No. You're too heavy. 3YOS: But I can't pick myself up. Edited October 11, 2013 by Peter B 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Taun Posted October 12, 2013 #18 Share Posted October 12, 2013 I posted this one in it's own thread a year ago or so... It's a compilation of student mistakes in History classes... http://www.unexplained-mysteries.com/forum/index.php?showtopic=209050&hl=%2Bstudent+%2Bbloopers Pay attention to some of the misspellings... they are pure gold... 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peter B Posted October 13, 2013 #19 Share Posted October 13, 2013 3YOS again: Mummy, read me another book. Mum: No, I've just read you four books in a row. 3YOS: That okay. I read it myself. *He sits down with book. A minute passes* 3YOS (anguished): But I don't know how to read! 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Taun Posted October 22, 2013 #20 Share Posted October 22, 2013 (edited) A Collection of Actual News headlines Some are just slips of the tongue Grandmother of eight makes hole in one Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers House passes gas tax onto senate Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan Two convicts evade noose, jury hung William Kelly was fed secretary Milk drinkers are turning to powder Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted Quarter of a million Chinese live on water Farmer bill dies in house Iraqi head seeks arms Some become unintentionally suggestive Queen Mary having bottom scraped Is there a ring of debris around Uranus? Prostitutes appeal to Pope Panda mating fails - veterinarian takes over NJ judge to rule on nude beach Child's stool great for use in garden Dr. Ruth to talk about sex with newspaper editors Soviet virgin lands short of goal again Organ festival ends in smashing climax Grammar often botches other headlines Eye drops off shelf Squad helps dog bite victim Dealers will hear car talk at noon Enraged cow injures farmer with ax Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests Miners refuse to work after death Two Soviet ships collide - one dies Two sisters reunite after eighteen years at checkout counter Sometimes newspaper editors state the obvious If strike isn't settled quickly it may last a while War dims hope for peace Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency Cold wave linked to temperatures Child's death ruins couple's holiday Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years Man is fatally slain Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation Edited October 22, 2013 by Taun 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peter B Posted October 27, 2013 #21 Share Posted October 27, 2013 3YOS again... Late at night he calls out in obvious anguish. Mum goes to help, and comes back laughing because... 3YOS (three-quarters asleep): I can't get my thumb in my mouth! = = = = 3YOS logic: 3YOS: Ducks not birds, big brother. Birds go in sky. Ducks go in pond. = = = = 3YOS public service announcement: 3YOS: Scoo me everybody. Big brother just going to the toilet. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Taun Posted November 7, 2013 #22 Share Posted November 7, 2013 We know the speed of light, but what's the speed of dark? Why is abbreviation such a long word? What's another word for Synonym? Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? If a cow laughs, would milk come out of her nose? Why is there an expiration date on sour cream? If a synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too? Why is that when you transport something by car, it's call a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo? Why do we drive on parkway, and park on driveways? Why don't we ever hear about gruntled employees? What is a 'Free Gift?" Aren't all gifts free? Why is phonetic spelled the way it sounds? Why do they call it a TV set, when you only get one? What was the best thing before sliced bread? 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jack Skellington Posted November 7, 2013 #23 Share Posted November 7, 2013 lol I am a "gruntled" employee. Why "isn't" phonetic spelled the way it sounds, btw. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freetoroam Posted November 7, 2013 #24 Share Posted November 7, 2013 There is a book called "The law is an ass" by Gyles Brandreth, all true cases. Picking the jury: "do you know anything about this case?" another American juror was asked. "no" "have you heard anything about this case?" "no" "have you read anything about this case?" "no, I can`t read" "have you formed an opinion about this case?" "what case?" "accepted" ------------------ An Irish jury is recorded to have returned the verdict, "we find the man who stole the mare, not guilty." 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eldorado Posted November 10, 2013 #25 Share Posted November 10, 2013 Young love! http://i.imgur.com/qGW8Au5.jpg 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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