Promiscuous People: Distant and Disconnected?

[ambelamba]

I guess it's a very sensitive issue. And the title sounds rather paradoxical.

But science articles and my own observation make me believe that those kind of people are actually emotionally-detached. And I am the polar opposite.

Although I am a loner, I always yearn for emotional connections and friendship with others. But I am afraid of doing so because my quirk will scare them away. I might behave insensitively, but deep inside I am very concerned about how others see me. And I am very sensitive to how others feel.

Knowing that, it was difficult to get into casual dating scene. And I really couldn't be a playa because I didn't want be a heartbreaker, if I ever can be one.

But I observed that promiscuous people have polar -opposite outlook. They care less about other people's feelings and are often emotionally detached from other people. Surprisingly, quite a few loose people have very few friend out of their own decisions.

[Lilly]

Yeah, I'd say that people who treat others as little more than disposable pleasures have a problem. The reason for the behaviour may vary, but the end result will certainly be the lack of mature/emotional/close relationships. I see this sort of thing all the time though, even among old people like myself. Apparently, this is a social trend...IMO it's not a good thing for individuals or the society.

[lightly]

A bit distant and disconnected? hmmmm that's actually a good description of a "promiscuous" girl I knew very well in high school. It just seemed like a compulsion with her. I don't think she was heartless... but her "needs" outweighed any other considerations.

I don't know what today's "promiscuity " might be all about . . . I'd guess ego struggles.

[Skep B]

sex is a way of feeling something, most people go about their days desensitized to whats around them, so an excuse to feel some kind of emotion that allows it to happen (relatively) quickly is going to be jumped at. But, intimacy scares these same people, so they jump from person to person in an attempt to feel something without putting in any real work for it.

....sorry Theory*

[Imaginarynumber1]

Yeah, I'd say that people who treat others as little more than disposable pleasures have a problem. The reason for the behaviour may vary, but the end result will certainly be the lack of mature/emotional/close relationships. I see this sort of thing all the time though, even among old people like myself. Apparently, this is a social trend...IMO it's not a good thing for individuals or the society.

I don't necessarily agree with that. If someone has a psychological disorder, such as sex addiction, sure. And there are underlying issues that come with that. But, I for, example, very much enjoy sex. Before I was in the relationship that I am now, I had lots of partners. I have very close friends and do not lack mature/emotional/close relationships with people to this day.

Again, I'm sure your explanation is true for some, but certainly not for all. Sex is a wonderful consequence of our evolution.

[George Ford]

When I was younger I went though a (about 7 years) long phase of promiscuity. I would go out drinking and clubbing and often 'get lucky'. I honestly didn't think I did anything wrong and I certainly had fun. I would have some sort of connection with the lasses I was with and they loved the sex as much as I did, it was just a mutual release of frustration. I'd also loved cooking breakfast the next day and sitting watching TV whilst eating and chatting before getting intimate maybe later on, or going back out and socializing again. I totally cared about every single one of them and wanted to make sure they were happy and felt safe and were having fun. I dunno if thats too much information so if any Mods read please feel free to delete it.

[Purplos]

I don't think you can pigeonhole people that share one trait as all the same. I'm sure there are insensitive and disconnected people who sleep around and people who are too emotional and looking for a deep connection through sex and those who are open and honest and just go into these short relationships for fun and make sure the other person knows it too.

Why generalize? It just creates unnecessary stigmas.

[psyche101]

I was talking about this last night with my wife.

I'm pretty sure she said something like 'Psyche you don't listen enough'

I said 'yeah maybe you're right

I can't help it, my mind drifts off

And I'm not really here anymore but I'll try'

She said 'while we're here on the subject

I wanna know why you haven't grown up yet'

I said 'don't be upset

But I really didn't hear a fricken word that you just said'.

They say I'm disconnected, that's alright, my friends are too though.

Edited November 26, 2013 by psyche101

[ambelamba]

I don't think you can pigeonhole people that share one trait as all the same. I'm sure there are insensitive and disconnected people who sleep around and people who are too emotional and looking for a deep connection through sex and those who are open and honest and just go into these short relationships for fun and make sure the other person knows it too.

Why generalize? It just creates unnecessary stigmas.

Actually it was a research result from somewhere. And my encounters with various people confirmed that.

[Lilly]

Ok, for those who advocate a promiscuous lifestyle: How (exactly) does one have a "mature/emotional/close relationship" while sleeping with any and all who are available/physically attractive? A multitude of one night stands, or even short term trysts isn't going to achieve the type of intimacy/emotional connection I'm talking about. This is indeed a "Brave New World that has such people in it" but a "Brave New World" is exactly what one is going to get with such a lifestyle. Oh, it might be *fun* when one is young (provided one uses protection) but in the final analysis what does it really achieve?

[AtlantisRises]

Assuming the consenting adults and the use of protection then I don't see the big deal. Sex is good exercise, it is of great recreational value. Granted there are benefits to the long term commited relationship as well but different horses different courses. Monogomy is not for everyone. Plenty of people have no interest in a mature/emotional/close relationship. And why does anyone need to achieve anything. I can understand how someone would consider that such a minor and irrelevant side of their life that only takes away from the rest of their lives. Sex is a biological necessity at times and what's more it's a good bit of fun, but it doesn't need to be anything more then that. Get it out of the way and concentrate on important things.

[Dark_Grey]

Plenty of people have no interest in a mature/emotional/close relationship.

Until they mature beyond their peak years and fall into a mild depression because "there's nothing meaningful in my life".

Sex is a biological necessity at times and what's more it's a good bit of fun, but it doesn't need to be anything more then that. Get it out of the way and concentrate on important things.

You underestimate the power of sexuality. It's the core of who we are as primates. Your career, your ego, your lifestyle...almost everything you do, can be tied to sex on a fundemental level. It's a very deep, deep seeded constant in your brain as that is our (physical) purpose.

[psyche101]

Ok, for those who advocate a promiscuous lifestyle: How (exactly) does one have a "mature/emotional/close relationship" while sleeping with any and all who are available/physically attractive? A multitude of one night stands, or even short term trysts isn't going to achieve the type of intimacy/emotional connection I'm talking about. This is indeed a "Brave New World that has such people in it" but a "Brave New World" is exactly what one is going to get with such a lifestyle. Oh, it might be *fun* when one is young (provided one uses protection) but in the final analysis what does it really achieve?

I used to work with a lady who firmly believed humans are not meant to be monogamous. She was not promiscuous, and deployed her own standards, but after two kids to her husband, she moved on, and maintained a friendship with him, she met someones else, got married, divorced, maintained another friendship, met someone else, and decided the marriage thing was unnecessary, and I do not know from there on but she completely believed that one should change partners about every 5-8 years and told me those words herself.

She was a very happy and confident woman who was completely in control of herself. Lovely lady, I became good friends with her (not that good), but have not seen her since she moved to another company.

My little sister has a similar lifestyle, going through a "Cougar" phase at the moment. She is on her 6th "serious" relationship.

[psyche101]

Until they mature beyond their peak years and fall into a mild depression because "there's nothing meaningful in my life".

Kids fill that hole. Big time. Having children is the most meaningful thing I did with my existance. Funny thing, is I never was fussed on being a Dad. When it happened, life started all over again. It was a pleasant surprise.

You underestimate the power of sexuality. It's the core of who we are as primates. Your career, your ego, your lifestyle...almost everything you do, can be tied to sex on a fundemental level. It's a very deep, deep seeded constant in your brain as that is our (physical) purpose.

Sometimes a root is just a root too.

[Neognosis]

she completely believed that one should change partners about every 5-8 years and told me those words herself.

i don't believe that one "SHOULD" change partners every 5-8 years, but our biology does seem geared toward that, doesn't it?

I believe that we are serial monogamists. The average duration of most marriages would seem to indictate that. The fact that there's a name for the "Seven Year itch" would seem to support that too. As well as that a human child can run and feed itself and has achieved a certain level of independence around age 5 would seem to support this as well.

As for promiscuity... how are we defining that? Sex with lots of random people, without any other kind of relationship with those parters?

What about a young man who has a lot of close female friends, and he sleeps or has slept with nearly all of them, while maintaining their friendship? Is that being promiscuous?

Why the need to ****-shame and diagnose promiscuous people with some kind of mental illness?

Is it possible that sex can enrich and enhance a friendship?

As for a study that shows that promiscuous people are disconnected, can we see a link?

If you can't provide a link, then I put forth a study that I heard about that indicated that men who have many female friends and they have sex with them are generally of above average intelligence, sensitivity, and are generally emotionally and intellectually superior.

Edited November 28, 2013 by Neognosis

[Lilly]

I'm not sure about the disconnected from others aspect, but there is most certainly a negative side to promiscuous behaviour.

See link: http://www.everydayhealth.com/longevity/can-promiscuity-threaten-longevity.aspx

[Neognosis]

You mean to tell us that if you sleep with lots of people, your chance of getting a sexually transmitted infection or disease increases?

I'm an STD-phobe who also was promiscuous between long term relationships.

Sleeping with my friends never worried me, but when I would have the odd encounter with someone I was only a casual acquaintance with, I was a wreck and probably got tested for STDs a few times unnecessarily. Well, maybe not unnecessarily, but definitely in a panic.

[LostSouls7]

A lot of my friends... were are promisious.

Let's just say they are always alone and feel empty.

After whoring around for so long, they forget what real romance and love is about.

I've never been promicious. But I am very picky.

Also I would like to find a true love.

However being a poet and magician is a full time thing.

[Neognosis]

A lot of my friends... were are promisious.

Let's just say they are always alone and feel empty.

After whoring around for so long, they forget what real romance and love is about.

You know who usually says that? People who can't handle adult casual sex, and people who resent those who can. So they create the myth that most people who have casual sex, the sex that deep down I think they wish they could have, are lonely and somehow damaged.

"whoring?" Your language gives you away.

Are some people who have casual sex lonely? Sure. People misuse sex all the time.

The same way people who are in horrible, destructive monogamous relationships pretend that their relationship is good for them.

Are all monogamous relationships bad? Of course not

Are all casual encounters bad? Of course not.

Are all people who enjoy their sexuality with partners with whom they are not in a monogamous relationship "lonely and feel empty?"

Come on...

I'm in a long term, monogamous relationship and raising children. But before that, in between long term relationships, I enjoyed sleeping with my female friends and for us, sex between friends enriched the friendships and I'm enjoyed those periods of my life. I was not lonely and empty.

[Almagest]

I've known both types of women. Two of my exes had more than ten partners each, but in most cases they were in relationships with the person. They were neither cold nor distant, in fact they were the opposite, and tended to rush through the stages of the relationship. There seems to be a misconception amongst some girls that sex equals love, and those two certainly held it. Although I must admit I did too. Both were driven more by lust I think.

Another, also with more than ten partners was distant and disconnected, cold and and calculating, and turned one of my closest friends against me.

On the other hand, the most cruel and manipulative woman I knew had very few partners and used sex as a weapon to get what she wanted from naive young guys.

[Skep B]

I think ultimately the answer to this question becomes

"depends"

You can't take one action and use it as a means to paint an entire group of people in one stroke, be it, casual sex, S&M, over eating, religious extremism, ...anything really.

Trying to put an entire psyche in a box made up of one idea, just doesn't work. Because humans are more complex than that.

Some have casual sex because they feel detached, another does it because it feels good, another does it because they don't have much self worth another does it as a means of gaining control over people.

You can't ever fully know a person, and you certainly can't do it based on one concept.

[psyche101]

i don't believe that one "SHOULD" change partners every 5-8 years, but our biology does seem geared toward that, doesn't it?

That everyone "looks" might well indicate that, I am not sure but I find the Western ideal is very diverse, we have the Christian Neck to Ankle fundies, and we have exhibitionists, I am not sure that there is any medium, but I do see what you are saying.

I believe that we are serial monogamists. The average duration of most marriages would seem to indictate that. The fact that there's a name for the "Seven Year itch" would seem to support that too. As well as that a human child can run and feed itself and has achieved a certain level of independence around age 5 would seem to support this as well.

That is an interesting perspective, but again I think that might all be cultural. We see the extremes in the middle east, where speaking to a on family male can mean death for a female, right through to the opposite extremes the Inuits live by, where dropping in and having sex with your hosts wife is nothing unusual at all. I find it interesting that the Inuit lifestyle is by far the least preferred option globally, (as far as I know) yet the most beneficial to the species as a whole, providing genetic diversity to keep the species strong. Seems rather a conflict of interests, yet we run with the option that which is detrimental to the species. I remember reading about many inbred birth defects from early French Families who felt inbreeding was a good way to keep wealth in one family and build up over generations.

As for promiscuity... how are we defining that? Sex with lots of random people, without any other kind of relationship with those parters?

What about a young man who has a lot of close female friends, and he sleeps or has slept with nearly all of them, while maintaining their friendship? Is that being promiscuous?

Legend?

But yes, I would call that promiscuous by definition.

Why the need to ****-shame and diagnose promiscuous people with some kind of mental illness?

That's the rub I guess. So many do see it as a degenerate term, but I never have. We say women are oppressed in the middle east, and many examples do illustrate just that, yet how does the west work? If a man has many partners, he is a stud, if a female does, she is trash. I would not be shocked to see our values came from something very similar, it's wrong, people are people. Men are only studs I think because we smell, we are ugly, we have no nice features (like nice figure, bewbs and sexy legs) and we smell. Who would want to lie down with one of us? My wife gets flowers just for putting up with that much. If I was a woman, I would surely be a lesbian.

Girls need someone to lift heavy things. That why we are here I figure.

Is it possible that sex can enrich and enhance a friendship?

That is definitely very much individual I would say. I remember the old "lets just be friends" all to well. That crap sucks, forget that.

Yet I find it does in a marriage.

As for a study that shows that promiscuous people are disconnected, can we see a link?

If you can't provide a link, then I put forth a study that I heard about that indicated that men who have many female friends and they have sex with them are generally of above average intelligence, sensitivity, and are generally emotionally and intellectually superior.

Facts! You conversation killer you!

Anyway, sounds legit!

Cheers mate, good to see you, been a while.

[psyche101]

You know who usually says that? People who can't handle adult casual sex, and people who resent those who can. So they create the myth that most people who have casual sex, the sex that deep down I think they wish they could have, are lonely and somehow damaged.

Those who cannot get laid you mean

Yes, and I see why they are angry, but that does not mean they can make up stuff.

"whoring?" Your language gives you away.

Are some people who have casual sex lonely? Sure. People misuse sex all the time.

The same way people who are in horrible, destructive monogamous relationships pretend that their relationship is good for them.

I have met hookers who make a mint, and are anything but lonely, and have men begging them to marry them all the time.

Met, those, not paid, through a friend who owned a stripping agency. And spoke to them in casual environments, not in an interview.

Are all monogamous relationships bad? Of course not

Are all casual encounters bad? Of course not.

Are all people who enjoy their sexuality with partners with whom they are not in a monogamous relationship "lonely and feel empty?"

Come on...

Indeed, the diversity of man extends into the realms of sex.

I'm in a long term, monogamous relationship and raising children. But before that, in between long term relationships, I enjoyed sleeping with my female friends and for us, sex between friends enriched the friendships and I'm enjoyed those periods of my life. I was not lonely and empty.

I'll bet not you devil

Cheers.

[Q-C]

Promiscuity carries too heavy a double standard by society, for me. This can be extremely hard on a woman's emotional health and body image.

The terms sl** , skank, whore, etc. What are the equivalent derogatory terms used for a male who sleeps around?

[spacecowboy342]

Promiscuity carries too heavy a double standard by society, for me. This can be extremely hard on a woman's emotional health and body image.

The terms sl** , skank, whore, etc. What are the equivalent derogatory terms used for a male who sleeps around?

There isn't as much double standard as there used to be but I doubt it will ever go away entirely.