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markdohle

Fatigue inner conflict, creativity and other

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Fatigue inner conflict, creativity and other sundry stuff

Many people suffer from one from of fatigue or another. Even when I was young; when I was in good shape in my 20’s, 30’s and 40’s, I lifted weights, ran, though I was never that good at running…..swam, danced and did lots of walking and power yoga…. I would still get very fatigued for some reason. It is probably more psychological than anything…..whatever that means. Some people can go all day, then at night stay up until very late, and get up and start again. I just bump around much of the time.

I remember going home for a visit and after we went somewhere, nothing strenuous, I would come back and feel like I was dying, I was so tired. I remember lying there thinking, what is the matter with me? I can’t say it is worse now that I am older, but in the afternoon the fatigue creeps up on me and I can’t shake it. Sleep does not help. I know that many have this problem because it is sometimes brought up when I am seeing people.

I tend to start dreaming as soon as I fall asleep. Then I dream what seems to be all night. Some nights the dreams are very clear, at others; it is just one confused state after another. Once in awhile I will wake up in a dream (called lucid dreaming), and while that can be fun, I have gotten used to it and don’t try to stay in that state very long. I learned when young that if I spin in the dream when I feel that I am going back to dream sleep, after I spin, I find myself in another place, but then it can be difficult to remember to stay awake while dreaming.

So if I exercise or not, the fatigue is still there, my inability to go all day without becoming tired or fatigued……some people love to travel, I don’t. One hour on a plane and I am exhausted for a day or two. Not sure why, I am not afraid of flying, though I can’t say I look forward to it.

I don’t go much for labels anymore, but they do have some truth to them. For instance, I am an introvert. For me all it means is that I need solitude to get my energy back. I also have an outgoing personality, so I do get drained when I am around people. I tend to overdo it a bit, or a lot. I love people, love giving talks and seeing them, but I guess that also may help with the fatigue problem, though without it, it would still happen.

Just life, many have what I have, whatever that is. So as I age, I am trying to learn to ignore my fatigue for the most part. Get rest, but just live one day at a time, and do the best I can. I know that I have lots of inner tensions that no doubt add to this as well. Perhaps I am just a neurotic mess, but hell, I never get bored…..so many inner voices and what not. It is like being a chaotic meeting, but writing helps to keep that in order.

I do have a center, and from that center I relate to Christ Jesus, in doing that, these inner fragments do kind of come together. At least it is not as noisy within like it was when I was younger. I am also at peace with my inward-scattered- neurotic- complex self. Though I am finding ever so slowly, beneath it all is peace, love, healing and mercy. So perhaps it is not so bad, knowing that at the root of it all there is what I long for all along, to be seen and loved to the roots of my being.

A friend asked me why I write so much. Well I replied it simply keeps me grounded. Creativity I believe comes from this inner tension. In the middle of inner conflict is where creativity comes forth. At least for me I believe. While I do have peace and joy, there are layers that still sting, bite, and seek to draw me into chaos. I have learned to love that part of myself, to embrace actually, for I do believe that God does reach us in our weakness and not in our strength. Can’t say I like that, but the Christian path, and perhaps any spiritual/religious path is based on some paradox.

Self awareness is good, it connects us to others, for no matter what I go through, I know that it is also happening to many, many people. It is part of the human journey. I have friends who are bi-polar, who struggle with drugs and alcohol, or depression, and yes with fatigue. We are all on this journey together, so in spite of the ups and downs of life, my aging body, my often tired mind, I am happy, and I doubt I would want to change anything in my life.

Black and white, cold and hot, up and down, pleasure and pain, life and death, are all parts of all of our lives, and important aspects of our existence. However at the center, where for me Christ lives, is joy and peace amidst all of the struggles, failures and starting anew. I have learned slowly to let go of shame, fear and anger. I can still feel them, but I don’t believe them anymore, I listen to a deeper voice, one greater than inner chorus, yet so close that we are one………it is so with all of us. God is no respecter of persons, we are all his children.

I know that I am overly introspective, but can’t help it, it is like a camera is on all the time recording just about everything going on inside me…….so I write, get it out and send it and in doing so it seems to help…….still have not figured that out.

For those who put up with me……thank you. You are my healers, we are all healers to one another, it is how God uses all of us, if we just allow it, or desire it even if just a little. All seeds bear fruit, some more than others, but it is love, compassion and empathy that is the best way to water these seeds that call us all to love an serve one another.

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