DefenceMinisterMishkin Posted April 19, 2015 #76 Share Posted April 19, 2015 Whenever I feel like a drink, which isn't very often these days, I just remember that pain of acute pancreatitis. Not even seven shots of Morphine could ease the horrific pain. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lightly Posted April 20, 2015 #77 Share Posted April 20, 2015 if i look back on my WHISKEY days.. i remember the Chaos , the pain i caused my wife, and how idiotic it all was. You can't do anything right when your smashed. Life is so much simpler and more pleasant when your not stumbling around running into walls until you crash and burn. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pallidin Posted April 21, 2015 Author #78 Share Posted April 21, 2015 i'm happy to hear your doing well pallidin. (to be honest, i was getting worried since you hadn't posted here for awhile) No worries, I've been doing that on purpose! Except for times when I come across something which may be of further interest on this subject, I decided to generally update my progress here just once a month so as not to bore members through redundancy. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JVG Posted April 22, 2015 #79 Share Posted April 22, 2015 No worries, I've been doing that on purpose! Except for times when I come across something which may be of further interest on this subject, I decided to generally update my progress here just once a month so as not to bore members through redundancy. It's never a bore when it's good news..... 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pallidin Posted April 23, 2015 Author #80 Share Posted April 23, 2015 I can truly relate to that feeling of strength and confidence in myself now.. There are so many things inside I have never felt before- or at least never remember feeling. It's been two months sober for me when it hits the 11th and I've never felt better. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pallidin Posted April 23, 2015 Author #81 Share Posted April 23, 2015 Perhaps another "driving force" towards the thrust of my sobriety was that I found, during periods of abuse, my sense of spirituality was badly fractured. Within myself, that just had to change. How could I be happy and at peace with myself if I did not? I had to "turn myself around and come-on home"...to see the bright lights that were there all along, waiting for me to return. With my continuing love towards all of you. Pallidin 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pallidin Posted April 25, 2015 Author #82 Share Posted April 25, 2015 (edited) Greetings, Lance. Hope you enjoy this thread. Members: This is a note to a very close and dear friend to whom I just emailed this thread. I kept it private until after I had reached the 3-month mark. Edited April 25, 2015 by pallidin 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pallidin Posted May 3, 2015 Author #83 Share Posted May 3, 2015 (edited) Hello again... Things are going very well. The temptation to have even one drink and ending up getting sloppy drunk seems foreign to me now. A single drink seems foreign to me. Almost as if it never existed in the first place. But of course it very much did. All the times I made a complete fool of myself. All of the money I wasted. All of the harm, physical and emotional, that I once willfully or unknowingly imparted to myself and other's. I recall the time running naked down a dark street after heavy drinking, just because I thought it was fun and sexually exciting. I recall when I was so drunk I went the wrong way on a one-way street and crashed into a parked car. I recall being so obliterated that I tripped and fell face-first and hard, missing a protruding nail from a plank by mere inches. I recall drinking so hard that my very sharp knife was being used to cut a zip-tie, going right through it and proceeding onward to slice into my other hand, not only requiring stitches, but also surgery to reattach a completely severed tendon. I recall being so intoxicated that I don't remember a darn thing other than the beginning, only being told another day by the bartender that, apparently, I acted like a complete and utter idiot and apparently was kicked-out for the evening. I recall numerous times having unprotected and sometimes downright gross, sex with total strangers during "partying" I could go on, and on, and on... Sure seemed like fun or funny at those times, but it sure the hell wasn't now that I look back at it. Everyone, again, I am doing great, and feel SO much more "in control" of myself. Is life now "perfect" being sober? Hell no, it never was, but it sure is a lot less problematic to deal with. I feel so excited each and every moment now, to appreciate myself and other's, and to actually live life with true enjoyment, and to actually face life's challenges in a far more responsible way. Looking forward to, well, continuing forward and to roll on down the highway with a new, tantalizing view on life. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OqoloLz4ERE Edited May 3, 2015 by pallidin 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Purple Octopus Posted May 3, 2015 #84 Share Posted May 3, 2015 Aww pallidin, I am so happy for you! Thank you for your (eye-opening) update. I stopped my heavy drinking 15 years ago and I don't miss it one bit 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scholar4Truth Posted May 3, 2015 #85 Share Posted May 3, 2015 congrats best of luck and wishes 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Olate1 Posted May 3, 2015 #86 Share Posted May 3, 2015 Great job! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pallidin Posted May 9, 2015 Author #87 Share Posted May 9, 2015 Yeah. Fight the good fight, as they say. For myself, degrading health and spirituality, and being a misfit in society angered me: Angered me on a deep level. I guess I often worried that by no longer drinking or drugging that I would no longer be fun or happy. I was dead wrong. I guess I doubted the awesome potential of the human spirit's capability to smash into pieces a deadly series of habits. Dang, we can be much, much stronger at times than we think we can... as I've discovered for myself. Maybe I just didn't want to. Oh God, I was so mad at myself knowing, just knowing, that I could become a better person but not previously doing a damn thing about it. Hard sometimes to get out of a habitual rut, I guess. And kind-of scary too. Ever noticed how, when trying to get-out of a very deep, treacherous rut in December snow or such, how truly hard it can be? So much easier just to stay there and whine about the problem. I'm good at whining. I became an expert at complacency and mis-guided focus. This time, though, I got so mad at myself that I erased all worry, all doubt, threw that bad-boy into 4-wheel drive and spit the ice and snow out of my path. "Don't worry about... don't speak of doubt... turn your head now baby just spit me out" Collective Soul- December 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lightly Posted May 9, 2015 #88 Share Posted May 9, 2015 keep up the good work pallidin ... be thankful too maybe, to your better self. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pallidin Posted May 9, 2015 Author #89 Share Posted May 9, 2015 keep up the good work pallidin ... be thankful too maybe, to your better self. So true... and looking much forward to achieving the 4-month mark. It's getting close, lightly. This is already, by far, the longest period of uninterrupted, 100% sobriety I've experienced... though I know many here and elsewhere have achieved much longer. It truly is, thinking about it, a new experience for me. And I'm liking it. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pallidin Posted May 9, 2015 Author #90 Share Posted May 9, 2015 IMPORTANT: Before I begin, I would like to refer back to a post in this thread... paladin - Congratulations on your commitment! I will keep you in my prayers. I do want to give you a heads-up on a couple of things: You have to prepare yourself for the "dark night of the soul" episodes that inevitably will arise. Loneliness, grief, anger, boredom, isolation. They all can trigger those treasonous thoughts in your mind that tell you, "Just one drink would take the edge off my pain. Just one." You HAVE to line up some activities and friendships that will walk you through the dark moods. Your friends don't even have to know what you're experiencing, but you'll need to get yourself away from the "morbid introspection" that will attempt to knock you off your foundation. Start today. Make a list of "anxiety-killers" you can turn to when a parent dies, or a relationship sours, or you lose your job. Consider yourself as being in boot camp at this point. Train yourself now for the battles ahead of you. OK, now, hold-on to your seats...here goes... A few years ago I tried full sobriety, and actually made-it to about 2 1/2 months before all HELL broke loose. I suddenly, without any warning or obvious cause, became as close I suppose to "clinical depression" as one can. I tried drinking strong coffee to "snap me out of it" No joy. I tried long walks, even vigorous exercise. That did seem to help, but still I could not shake whatever the hell was happening to me. This massive depressive episode was continuing for about 1-week and would not stop, so I said screw-it, and started drinking again at that time. Amazingly, returning to alcohol brought virtually immediate relief, even though I actually hated the very thought of drinking again. Fast forward 2-years... I decided to try sobriety again. The same damn thing happened at about the same time into my sobriety, and ended-up falling off the wagon, again. This was now p***ing-me-off. I was trying, really trying, to better myself, and something, SOMETHING was beating the crap out of me. Present day... Wanting to try sobriety again, but scared of going through what appeared to be some kind of incredibly dark depression I tried a different approach... I asked my doctor what in God's good name was going-on with me. What and why was this happening? I had never asked before. He took the time to explain it to me, and so too, to the best of my remembrance I will share this with you. Paraphrasing, of course... He said that a peculiar but medically understood event happens to those during the early stages of sobriety from certain substances if they were heavy, long-term users. He asked me if I was, and I was honest with him and said yes (I previously would lie about my intake) He said that under those conditions, and for some people, that between 3 and 6 months give or take an odd but critical thing happens in the human brain. It "backfires, big-time" as he put it. He said that the causation is known, but why the delayed reaction is not understood very well at this time. Key, critical neurotransmitters in the brain (I think he mentioned serotonin, dopamine and one other) suddenly, without warning "storm" and then basically stop being produced on a normal level, and all hell breaks loose... causing massive and severe depression. While not usually dangerous in and of itself, the event is nonetheless considered "clinically significant", he said, and if not addressed is actually considered about 80% responsible for sudden substance abuse relapse cases. The good news is(if there is from such a b****) is that he said a few things about it. 1) This does not happen with everyone, but has been medically associated with the longevity and nature of the specific substance abuse. Alcohol, cocaine and heroine abuse are apparently well documented to potentially cause this. 2) This event typically lasts between 7-10 days, and if the person can "hold-on" the brain will start "re-normalization" rather quickly afterwards. 3) Some people, during this event, may require immediate hospitalization for their own and other's safety. I guess it can be THAT bad. 4) There are special "transition medications" which are available to be prescribed to lessen the event severity. Then you're taken-off. 5) Here's the best part... He said, in summary, that it always goes away after about the 7-10 day period within the 3-6 month time frame. It's transitory, NOT permanent. For those of you who have been following this thread, I decided that now was the time to explain why I took the doctors approach and not, say, AA. I'm a hard-ball head-case, what can I say! Oh yes, the music. You all know how much I like to append something even if I'm the only one who likes a particular tune! Makes me feel good during this battle. So humor me. Hmmm... let's see...what shall I choose this time...tap, tap, tap... ah! With Mother's Day tomorrow, I dedicate this tune to my wife, who has been of great support during my difficult times... 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thedemon Posted May 9, 2015 #91 Share Posted May 9, 2015 Proud of ya. It's always nice to hear of people kicking such a habit. It gives inspiration to others, and i wish ya well. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JVG Posted May 10, 2015 #92 Share Posted May 10, 2015 Pallidin life is a struggle on so many levels but I sense that you have found the light again and will not fail...Stay strong my friend... 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pallidin Posted May 10, 2015 Author #93 Share Posted May 10, 2015 (edited) Thank you both... Getting humble enough to actually seek help from my doctor, and from that to understand the nature of critical relapse has made a HUGE, important difference. It is NOT the same as the typical withdrawal which occurs within the first 72-hours of abuse cessation. For years it was a mystery as to why I was so willing yet kept failing after a while. I was "Runnin' Down a Dream" but, instead, it was running all over me. Now, and only through the grace of God, I have found powerful tools and resources to hopefully kick this crap out of my life for good. And one of those tools has been right here, on UM. Tom Petty- Runnin' Down a Dream Edited May 10, 2015 by pallidin 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
She-ra Posted May 10, 2015 #94 Share Posted May 10, 2015 I believe it's the Limbic System of the brain that gets wonky during that time frame. Here's a little info on that, plus, if you google *Alcoholism and the Brain* or something similar to that you will find a ton of articles and research on that. It's funny that once you understand what is going on...you are better equipped to deal with what those dang feelings are, you know? I hope this helps and I'm very proud of your progress The Limbic System The primary system on which addictive drugs operate is the brain’s gratification network, commonly called the Limbic, or Reward System. This network is an ancient part of the brain, pre-dating the structures involved in memory.1 Thus, the vast majority of activity there takes place unconsciously.2 The Limbic System is also pre-rational in that it pre-dates the evolution of rational brain networks.3 The key neurotransmitter that stimulates this system is dopamine.4 If enough dopamine is released into the brain’s reward circuits euphoria results. Dopamine-based exhilaration is a common experience, at least partially responsible just about anytime one experiences pleasure. “A hug, a kiss, a word of praise or a winning poker hand”5can trigger a dopamine spike. When your team pulls out an improbable victory at the last second — think Joe Montana, Dwight Clark and “The Catch” — the delirium you feel if you’re a 49er fan is the rush of dopamine stimulating the brain’s Limbic system. By contrast, the crushing disappointment felt by Cowboy fans was, at least in part, the result of dopamine depletion. Source: http://www.addictscience.com/limbic/ 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pallidin Posted May 10, 2015 Author #95 Share Posted May 10, 2015 Intense FEAR, intense LOVE. That's what worked for me. Now, take just a moment to consider the commonality described in those emotions... intensity. I will tell you for a fact that when you intensely desire something so much that you're practically foaming at the mouth in anticipation, it transforms you're very way of thinking in an immensely powerful way. Barring extraordinary circumstance you are, under those conditions, virtually guaranteed a successful outcome of desire. Whatever that desire is for you. For me it was sobriety. But, it comes at a price... YOU MUST FOAM AT THE MOUTH like a rabid animal. No playing around. Your desire must become an obsession. An obsession like no other. So strong an obsession that if applied in various other, non-healthy way's, would land you in prison or at least the psych ward. You taste it, you feel it, you see it, and then you will LIVE it. LIFE has a way of bowing to intense passion. A rather nice, built-in feature of Nature it seems, that you can utilize when your life totally sucks and you want to get out of it. For some so "hard-headed" like me, it took much more than a "carrot-on-a-stick" to get me moving. It took a hand-grenade up my butt. No wonder there are drones flying around with hell-fire missiles. They're just loitering, close-by, waiting to see if that hand-grenade up my butt was enough for me... >>> pallidin cautiously looks up <<< 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daughter of the Nine Moons Posted May 10, 2015 #96 Share Posted May 10, 2015 3 months...good for you! 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Likely Guy Posted May 11, 2015 #97 Share Posted May 11, 2015 3 months...good for you! Time to change the thread title? 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pallidin Posted May 11, 2015 Author #98 Share Posted May 11, 2015 Time to change the thread title? I was wondering the same after about my 1-month mark. Maybe just something general, like... "Free from Severe Alcohol Abuse" or something. Is that along your line of thinking as well, Likely Guy? I would not be against such a change. I wonder if it could be done. Perhaps a change would be appropriate, especially considering the threads' evolution and likely-hood of at least some degree of continuance. Seems reasonable to me. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Likely Guy Posted May 11, 2015 #99 Share Posted May 11, 2015 Maybe just something general, like... "Free from Severe Alcohol Abuse" or something. Or maybe, "To be free from Alcohol Abuse". I wish you all the best on your journey Pall, then maybe, one day, you can guide me. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daughter of the Nine Moons Posted May 11, 2015 #100 Share Posted May 11, 2015 Done! Free from Severe Alcohol Abuse 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now