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A man with a problem and a gun


markdohle

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A man with a problem and a gun

When I was guest master for a short time from late 1990 to early 1992 I had some interesting experiences with different types of visitors.  The vast majorities were of course no problem, from different religious traditions and here seeking quiet and a time to reflect….or simply sleep. 

One early Monday morning, a man walked into our retreat house with a gun and showed it to me and Jackie, who worked in the office here.  I did not know what to do, so I just treated him like everything was normal.  Now I knew the man, he would come in for a chat about once a month at different times.  He had a severe alcohol addiction problem and was tormented about that.  I know that his wife left him because he came in one day weeping over this fact, telling me what he did to her.  All I could say was that it was good that she left since he was a danger to her.  That seemed to calm him down and he left.  So here he was again, with a gun. 

So I asked him what he wanted.  I hope it was not him wanting me dead.  He looked at the ground for a bit and then said.  “I want to kill myself”.  He continued:  “I was sitting on your property with the gun, but I could not do it, because I believe that death is not the end”.  He then started weeping.  So I asked him if he would please give me his gun and we could go back and talk.  As I was leaving the room I ‘mouthed’ to Jackie to please call the police, for the man was obviously a danger to himself and very possibly others. 

We did not talk about much since he had seen me more than a few times over the last year or so.  Mostly he just looked at the floor.  Then he looked up and asked:  “You had the lady in the front office call the police, didn’t you?”  I said, “Yes”.  He smiled and said “Good; I knew you would do that, I need help”.  As he continued to talk I could see that he did not like the way he was. Hated the way he treated his now ex-wife and wished that he did not believe in an afterlife, for what is the point of killing himself if he will still exist after he put the bullet through his head. 

The police came and waited when Jackie told them that she had the gun and that I was talking to him.  So after the talk he willingly went with them.  I don’t know what happened to him since, but the fact that I have not seen him, may be a good indication that he got help and moved on with his life.  I hope so.  When sober, he was a kind, gentle man, when he drank, well something dark, mean and destructive came out.

One of our guests at the time who heard about what happened began to curse the man.  I listened for a while and responded in this vein. “There is no need to judge the man.  It is not our place.  We dealt with him the only way we could by calling the police and thank God he did no harm to anyone with the gun”. 

When we speak of judging another in the parochial sense, we are not talking about justice and fairness but about anger and at times, for the need for revenge.  People have problems, many of them serious, and there are some who can’t receive help, others can.  This man seemed to hit bottom, and decided that he did not want death, but more life, so he came here, hoping that I would call the police.  Why he could not do it on his own, I am not sure, perhaps it was too hard for him to call and ask for help, someone else had to do it for him.  Perhaps what saved him was his accepting responsibility to the reality that he destroyed a relationship, the one with his wife, which he wanted, but could not have because of his violence and anger that he unleashed towards her.  She was right to leave him; no one should submit themselves to that kind of treatment.  He was way out of control; any kind of ‘real’ relationship is not possible when someone is in that state. 

We are called to compassion towards others.  To judge in the sense of thinking another human being is worthless, or useless, or should be killed or worse, is a heavy burden to carry and has nothing to do with justice.  If someone needs to be dealt with to protect others, yes of course.  If someone has a mental condition that makes them dangerous to others or to themselves, then yes we have to make judgments based on fairness and not on some powerful inner emotion.  There are people who need to be locked away for life; there is no doubt about that.  The actual worth of another human being however is not for anyone else to judge, we can’t, we don’t know enough about what is going on inside. 

Lives are ruined, innocent people can die,
leading to further anger because of the judgments
that we can place on one another.

 





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Yet another 5-star post, Mark.

Most of us know that there are stages (I'll just name 3 of the many): 1) Acknowledging the issue; 2) Confronting the issue; 3) Coping with the issue. Significant is that too many with severe psychological/emotional problems are stuck in a "I want to live; I just don't want to live this life" problematic and are left to a health care system that is profit-driven, meaning treating symptoms instead of curing the disease. Many seek spiritual guidance and do find comfort and help in knowing they are not alone, G-d is with them. Your post, Mark, combines both. You listened to him with open arms (spiritual) while involving law enforcement (which he wanted, and which likely lead to psychiatric help). Thanks for sharing.  

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17 hours ago, HalfAnIdiot said:

Yet another 5-star post, Mark.

Most of us know that there are stages (I'll just name 3 of the many): 1) Acknowledging the issue; 2) Confronting the issue; 3) Coping with the issue. Significant is that too many with severe psychological/emotional problems are stuck in a "I want to live; I just don't want to live this life" problematic and are left to a health care system that is profit-driven, meaning treating symptoms instead of curing the disease. Many seek spiritual guidance and do find comfort and help in knowing they are not alone, G-d is with them. Your post, Mark, combines both. You listened to him with open arms (spiritual) while involving law enforcement (which he wanted, and which likely lead to psychiatric help). Thanks for sharing.  

I agree,it is hard for people to find help at times. Thank you for your throughout comment.

Peace
Mark

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You show compassion Mark.I worked  on a Russian  registered  cargo carrier.It was not my wisest decision i must admit but the money was good for seasoned sailors.Well a member went loopy and started being scary.At the time the ships carried an arsenal.He tried to get to the guns but was stopped by a large Scottish man and detained.We  were shooed away by the ships regular crew.Never saw that guy again.I always felt so sad for the poor guy.

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I agree 100% that it's not our place to judge. I was once in a very dark place and this is when I realized I had a lot of people I hang out with but virtually zero friends. I discovered this when I couldn't contain my problems anymore and began to vent and nobody listened. That's all I needed at the time is for someone to listen without judgement and without fear. To this day I can't really talk to people about my health issues because folks want to change the subject which seriously isn't helpful. I get it and I don't hold it against anybody, I just make mental notes and try to learn which steps to take in the future.

Fortunately this allows me to help others. Not to get into it too much but people with serious issues (war vets, cancer patients) tend to love me because I know to just listen and what most consider brutal details don't bother me. I think it's really cathartic for them to be able to look me in the eyes with an 'as serious as it gets' look and pour it all out. Whenever I meet someone else who's gone through something serious I know exactly how to talk to them.

I met an older lady not too long ago who was going through chemo and losing all her hair. I didn't shy away from anything, I asked her how the chemo process worked and all sorts of things about the cancer treatment process. She went on and on about it. She hugged me several times that night and seemed to be in high spirit. Not sure if I'm explaining myself very well but this is what I'm  talking about. How many folks you think approached her in this manner, and how many folks you think changed the subject or told her to 'hang in there' or 'everything will be alright'? 

As I reread this I'm not sure where I was going with this post haha. I suppose I just wanted to throw in my 2 cents because this is a big deal to me. 

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On 8/29/2016 at 1:09 PM, TopToffee said:

You show compassion Mark.I worked  on a Russian  registered  cargo carrier.It was not my wisest decision i must admit but the money was good for seasoned sailors.Well a member went loopy and started being scary.At the time the ships carried an arsenal.He tried to get to the guns but was stopped by a large Scottish man and detained.We  were shooed away by the ships regular crew.Never saw that guy again.I always felt so sad for the poor guy.

Must have been tough my friend.

Peace
mark

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16 hours ago, internetperson said:

I agree 100% that it's not our place to judge. I was once in a very dark place and this is when I realized I had a lot of people I hang out with but virtually zero friends. I discovered this when I couldn't contain my problems anymore and began to vent and nobody listened. That's all I needed at the time is for someone to listen without judgement and without fear. To this day I can't really talk to people about my health issues because folks want to change the subject which seriously isn't helpful. I get it and I don't hold it against anybody, I just make mental notes and try to learn which steps to take in the future.

Fortunately this allows me to help others. Not to get into it too much but people with serious issues (war vets, cancer patients) tend to love me because I know to just listen and what most consider brutal details don't bother me. I think it's really cathartic for them to be able to look me in the eyes with an 'as serious as it gets' look and pour it all out. Whenever I meet someone else who's gone through something serious I know exactly how to talk to them.

I met an older lady not too long ago who was going through chemo and losing all her hair. I didn't shy away from anything, I asked her how the chemo process worked and all sorts of things about the cancer treatment process. She went on and on about it. She hugged me several times that night and seemed to be in high spirit. Not sure if I'm explaining myself very well but this is what I'm  talking about. How many folks you think approached her in this manner, and how many folks you think changed the subject or told her to 'hang in there' or 'everything will be alright'? 

As I reread this I'm not sure where I was going with this post haha. I suppose I just wanted to throw in my 2 cents because this is a big deal to me. 

Way more than two cents my friend.  You learned from experience on how important listening is, because you had trouble finding someone to talk, or vent to.  Now you want to spare others that suffering, it is called empathy and compassion.

 

Peace
Mark

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