I need understanding PLZ!

[Weirdnessarrived]

So, this deep mutual (at least I'm told by him) started about two-three months ago for me... I've had some huge, recent, life realizations regarding my failed marriage and other things, but over heard my coworker explaining what basically seemed to be the exact same thing I experienced... Only he's in the mid-stage. Thinking I could help because I've literally walked in very similar shoes, i started by giving him pointers on things to try, and suggestions for approaches to take to make things possibly work. He would then share updates and always express the callousness of his partners reactions to these ideas... I would say to him       " OK, if she's not willing to show the bare minimum amount of love and affection-run!!" I held on far too long and it put me in a HORRIBLE position. He has no kids, or real ties besides his vow and her empty promise to do the same, so to waste life with a miserable person doesn't make sense... Especially for him. He opened my eyes during a time that I wanted nothing to do with humanity, let alone the opposite sex that great guys do exist. I've NEVER met anyone like him. Out of nowhere, almost like some cosmic shift, I had this enormous sexual attraction to him. We began to talk regularly and he expressed the same... He said he feels like we are from the movie Hancock, one of my favs btw, and I couldn't agree more. This whole situation has put me in a very weird spot. Almost like I need him. He has said the same thing to me. His marriage is going one of two ways in the next few days, which I'd like to point out, I have nothing to do with. I care about HIM. His happiness. Whatever that is and with whomever it is. I've always supported his stance and NEVER would mention he and I being together or push him to divorce... Honestly, I'm afraid the pressure between he and i would make it awkward if it was anything but this, but to feel like your soulmate just entered your life, and might exit is friggin nerve wrecking! He says it best "I don't know what to do with this?? I've never felt this way about anyone". Any suggestions or ideas are appreciated!! 

[Lilly]

IMO (and you probably aren't going to like it) this man has zeroed in on your painful state of mind and is now grooming you to have an affair with him (an affair with a married man). This is how they do it...and trust me here, it will only bring you more pain in the final analysis. This man is looking like your 'soul mate' because he's reading you like an open book and telling you exactly what you want to hear...and it's not real, it's just designed to get him the thrill of sexual conquest.

Just so you know, I'm not a young woman (far from it) and I've seen this play out many, many times during my lifetime. My advice, get away from this guy and find yourself a genuine single guy to date. Remember, if they cheat with you they will eventually cheat on you.

[sees]

I am inclined to agree with the above post, i.e. it does look like he got close to you when were vulnerable and, given his set up, he is quite likely to have an agenda.  Given that you have both expressed sexual attraction, would you even contemplate having an affair with a married man?  It is quite likely that you would see him differently i.e. what sort of man would do that?  Since he is a co-worker, what do other staff think of him?

If he really means what he says about never feeling this way about anyone then this implies it could be the real deal.  However, there is a wife involved here...looks like a doomed scenario to me with pain and suffering looming large if you are not careful.

[rashore]

Double whammy- affair with a married person and dipping the pen in the company inkwell. I would suggest just don't till he figures out what he's doing with his wife at the very least. Don't make him into a cheater, that almost always comes back to bite. And if you two are one of those super rare relationships that could possibly survive a divorce and working together, it's one of those relationships that consummation can wait till he resolves his other relationship first. He made a promise to her long before meeting you, and needs to pony up to that one way or the other before anything else.

This is for yours and his mental and emotional health, separately and as a pair. A messy love/not love triangle is an ill-favored way to start any relationship. And also you don't need to add any fuel to that fire if he does choose to get a divorce. Or letting yourself get set up as a mistress to a guy that isn't ever really going to leave.

If you two really have a connection, be a friend and a co-worker. Leave it at that for now.

[freetoroam]

3 hours ago, Weirdnessarrived said:

so to waste life with a miserable person doesn't make sense..

He would then share updates and always express the callousness of his partners reactions to these ideas

You are hearing his side and agree with above posts  that he could be looking to have an affair, this could mean that is all he is looking for and that he has any intentions of ever leaving his wife. 

He tells you his wife is miserable, this is to get your sympathy and it seems to be working.

Have you asked any of these questions?

 

How much do you know about what he is like back home?

do you know his wife?

have you ever spoken to her?

how long has he been married for?

how long have you known him?

have you ever been to his house?

Is there a reason why he and his wife have no children?

can you trust a man who is willing to say awful things about his wife?

why did he marry her?

what does he think about the vows they made together?

 

 

 

 

[XenoFish]

Lady you're a fiddle and he's playing you. They're better men out there.

[Farmer77]

3 hours ago, Weirdnessarrived said:

So, this deep mutual (at least I'm told by him) started about two-three months ago for me... I've had some huge, recent, life realizations regarding my failed marriage and other things, but over heard my coworker explaining what basically seemed to be the exact same thing I experienced... Only he's in the mid-stage. Thinking I could help because I've literally walked in very similar shoes, i started by giving him pointers on things to try, and suggestions for approaches to take to make things possibly work. He would then share updates and always express the callousness of his partners reactions to these ideas... I would say to him       " OK, if she's not willing to show the bare minimum amount of love and affection-run!!" I held on far too long and it put me in a HORRIBLE position. He has no kids, or real ties besides his vow and her empty promise to do the same, so to waste life with a miserable person doesn't make sense... Especially for him. He opened my eyes during a time that I wanted nothing to do with humanity, let alone the opposite sex that great guys do exist. I've NEVER met anyone like him. Out of nowhere, almost like some cosmic shift, I had this enormous sexual attraction to him. We began to talk regularly and he expressed the same... He said he feels like we are from the movie Hancock, one of my favs btw, and I couldn't agree more. This whole situation has put me in a very weird spot. Almost like I need him. He has said the same thing to me. His marriage is going one of two ways in the next few days, which I'd like to point out, I have nothing to do with. I care about HIM. His happiness. Whatever that is and with whomever it is. I've always supported his stance and NEVER would mention he and I being together or push him to divorce... Honestly, I'm afraid the pressure between he and i would make it awkward if it was anything but this, but to feel like your soulmate just entered your life, and might exit is friggin nerve wrecking! He says it best "I don't know what to do with this?? I've never felt this way about anyone". Any suggestions or ideas are appreciated!! 

My first thought is that he is already a cheater. In my opinion emotional cheating is often even more painful to the spouse than physical cheating. 

[LV-426]

Getting into the middle of a complex situation sounds like the last thing you need to be honest.

I don't know how long ago your marriage ended, but it sounds like you need to spend some time getting to know yourself. As the old adage goes "You need to be able to love yourself, before you can love someone else."

If the guy is the genuine article, he'll respect you enough to get his own life sorted before involving you.

Ohh, and spend more time on UM. Collectively we're like a cross between Yoda and Dr. Ruth. No subject goes unanswered here!

[sees]

If you are still thinking you might be tempted to succumb to this man..think about it - unless he leaves his wife you will always be second priority. I doubt if he sleeps alone there....

[XenoFish]

6 hours ago, sees said:

If you are still thinking you might be tempted to succumb to this man..think about it - unless he leaves his wife you will always be second priority. I doubt if he sleeps alone there....

You know the basic problem with that? If he's cheating on his wife with her. He'll cheat on her once someone else comes along.

Edited February 7, 2017 by XenoFish

[+Hammerclaw]

Unfortunately, logic never could convince a heart.

[sees]

8 hours ago, XenoFish said:

You know the basic problem with that? If he's cheating on his wife with her. He'll cheat on her once someone else comes along.

I wasn't suggesting it was a good move but, at least, a more honourable one than her having an affair with him.  The very fact that she is asking about this shows she is having doubts about how to proceed.  Hopefully, the fact that no one here is giving the green light for the go ahead should be enough to alert her.

[+Hammerclaw]

The problem isn't the guy--that's just passing the buck. The problem is the choices she makes and her obvious insecurities. If you choose relationships which have little chance to succeed because of circumstance beyond your control, you never have to bear the ego-shattering blame for their failures.

[sees]

7 hours ago, Hammerclaw said:

The problem isn't the guy--that's just passing the buck. The problem is the choices she makes and her obvious insecurities. If you choose relationships which have little chance to succeed because of circumstance beyond your control, you never have to bear the ego-shattering blame for their failures.

Well fair play to her for not yet having made a decision (hopefully), i.e. sounding out the situation first on this forum!  She is clearly quite besotted with him though which makes it harder to make the sensible, rational choice.  I hope she heeds the fact that none of us think it's a good idea to change from a friendship to a lover's status. 

Edited February 8, 2017 by sees

[preacherman76]

Sometimes women can just end up being miserable *******, that make it a horrible experience to be married to them. You will know what his intentions are if he actually leaves. I often thank God I didn't fall into that trap completely by making it legal. Today, or even long ago I'd probably be in this guys shoes if I had stayed and got married as planned.

 

You will know not by what he says, but by what he does. If he actually leaves, and gets a divorce you might be on to something.