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Spiritual elements during psychotic episode


Jay Jacks

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Hi all,

I'd like to tell my story and ask how I can move forward and find happiness again and would also like to know peoples views on the difference between mental illness and spiritual awakenings.

(Sorry if it's a bit long)

Background - I'd always lived a pretty 'normal' life, with no health issues at all. A confident, laid back guy, with dreams of doing great things in life. 

At the age of 23, in 2007, all of this would change, as a bizarre mental health issue would arise, that would result in spending a month in a psychiatric ward...

2007 - Manic Episode 1

It was summertime and I'd booked up a two week partying holiday in Greece with four pals. I was really excited for this, as I hadn't been abroad for a few years and was looking forward to an epic holiday and a bit of escapism from my boring day job. 

The holiday started out great - wild partying, making lots of new friends, adventures across the islands, with lots of activities. 

By the second week, I had a decreased need for sleep, as my energy levels began to soar through the roof, as I started to feel inspired and euphoric. I felt on top of the world and was showing signs of hypo-mania, which I was unaware of at the time. My brain was operating at double speed and I felt like this was the start of an exciting journey.

My personality began to change and by the end of the holiday, I was experiencing full on psychosis, believing that I had developed healing powers and was some kind of super human. I was glowing inside and felt invincible. 

Upon arriving home, my mother was so concerned about my behaviour that she attempted to get me professional help, with little success, as I was still capable of acting 'normal' if I had to. 

Things would escalate, after a row, when I finally admitted that I felt like I'd been given a spiritual gift - the power to heal and give eternal youth to those I touch. My mother pleaded with me to stop speaking so much nonsense and I became aggressive and angry, kicking doors and verbally attacking her. My mother felt scared for her safety and my own and this was finally enough to get me sectioned and hospitalised. 

I spent a month in a closed ward, in a semi-sedated state, resistant to any help at first. After a couple of weeks, my brother showed me some articles about 'manic episodes' and I finally accepted that I was unwell and agreed to treatment. After accepting my illness, I would soon be discharged and given a care coordinator.

I was initially misdiagnosed as having Bipolar Disorder and was told I would need medication for life, but after making a full recovery within a few months of being discharged, with no further symptoms and returning to full time employment, I was told by my doctor that they had made a mistake and that I was now diagnosed as simply having a one off 'single manic episode' with no further information, or advice. 

I was weaned off my medication, gradually, over the next 4 months and would remain stable and well for the next 9 years, with not even a hint of a relapse.

As each year went by, I became less and less concerned that anything like that incident would happen again and wrote it off as one of life's mysteries, however I couldn't deny that the holiday had still been one of the best experiences of my life, regardless to the outcome. I had felt 'alive', before the delusions began, but was told by professionals that mania was a bad, bad thing, so I avoided glamorising it in my mind and lived a normal life for the next 9 years.

Fast forward to 2016.

2016 - Manic episode 2

Life was going great. I'd been with my company for 3 years and loved my job. An internal vacancy was posted, for a promotional role, which came with a large salary increase, so I tried my luck and applied. I was invited to an interview and a few weeks later was given the news that I'd been successful and was offered the role. Great news. I celebrated with family and friends.

The day before I was supposed to start, I was given the news that my offer had now been withdrawn and I would need to return to my former position. I would later be told that my end of year 'score' did not meet the requirements to apply for a promotion and that I shouldn't even have been allowed to apply in the first place - an error on their side, which they apologised for. 

I was devastated and this seemed like a clear breach of contract and unfair treatment. I was tipped off by my line manager, off record, that somebody at the top had changed my score and ordered for the offer to be reversed, as they didn't like my attitude and did not want me working in a management position. This was turning into a conspiracy and I was furious. I was advised by family and friends to seek legal advice, fight the decision and take my employer to task.

This would result in a 6 month battle of grievances against my employer, legal advice, suspension, a formal investigation and lots of time off for work related stress, as my employer proceeded to make my working life miserable. My life was crumbling to pieces.

After fighting my corner, for justice and threatening legal action, I was finally told that they were willing to 'settle' of court and pay me off to leave. Negotiations began, with the help of a solicitor, but before any settlement could be agreed, my mental health would take a drastic turn for the worse. 

I'd become obsessed with this case over the last few months, as I tried to pinpoint who had taken my role away and why. I wanted to get the maximum payout possible from employer, so tried to uncover as much 'dirt' as I could, to make my case even stronger. The more I looked for, the more I found, as I slowly started to lose touch with reality...

I began to believe that my company were evil and that managers were being paid off and manipulated to take me down. I'd come to the conclusion that they had been stalking my emails and manipulating my perception of reality, as a part of some twisted game. I then believed that the head manager was a psychopath and had orchestrated some kind of 'people experiment' within the company, for his own amusement - and that they were going to pay me off a big amount, to stop me exposing their dark tale.

My thoughts would escalate, to the point where I now believed that my whole existence was a farce and that I'd been living in some kind of 'Truman show' experiment, where my whole life was being manipulated and purposely tested. 

I spoke to mother and demanded to know the truth about my life and became aggressive and abusive, when she accused me of losing my mind. She called the police and I would once again be sectioned under the mental health act, but would only spend 10 days in hospital, this time, after seeking legal representation and getting myself discharged. 

I was convinced that I was not ill and was living in some sort of matrix, or simulated reality, but had to keep this a secret and act 'normal' if I wanted to live a regular life and stay out of hospital. This was all so exciting and I felt wonderful, like a secret agent. None of my problems mattered anymore - I felt an electrical type of energy running through my body and could literally feel it in the air, wherever I went. I was convinced others could feel it too, as people would become trance like in my presence and doughy eyed, 

I took the anti psychotic medication daily and checked in with the care team every morning, to prove I was taking it. They were happy with my progress and after a month I was discharged from them, with no diagnosis, but was told to keep on taking my medication and look after myself. 

As soon as I was discharged, I secretly stopped taking my meds, as I felt they were useless and clearly hadn't worked. I still believed I was living in some sort of computer game, with spirit guides giving me clues and pushing me in the right direction. I maintained the illusion, to my care coordinator and family, that I was still taking my medication and they were pleased with my progress.

My settlement payment finally came through and I was awarded a large sum of money - the most I'd ever had at once. I was excited and felt great - I decided to take a month long holiday and visit some tourist hot spots across the U.K - a true adventure. Getting away from it all did me the world of good and by the time I returned, my delusional thoughts had began to gradually fade and I was losing my spiritual connection with the world. I could no longer feel a pulsating electrical energy running through my body and strangers had stopped making conversation with me in public places.

Within a couple of months, my clear head had fully returned and I finally realised that my imagination had run away with me. I felt embarrassed and somewhat stupid and guilty about the stress I'd put my mother through.

After making a full recovery, I finally admitted to my mother and my doctor, that I had stopped taking my medication several months ago and had recovered naturally. They were slightly disappointed that I'd been dishonest, but were glad to see me healthy and stable. Fast forward to the present day...

2017 - 

Nearly a year later, I've been fully stable and had no relapses, yet I'm finding it harder to forget about the last incident and it still plays on my mind a lot - I secretly enjoyed it.

I can't help but think that there were spiritual elements involved in this incident - synchronicities seemed to be everywhere, I felt a deep connection with the universe and planet, had the ability to use extra parts of my brain and felt cleansed inside. During my episode, I strived to become the perfect human being, abiding by strict moral codes and treating all humanity as equal. People seemed drawn to me and the world was a beautiful place.

I'm aware that I misinterpreted several things, as I was in a confused state, yet I long for the feeling I had during this time, without the confusion, if that makes sense?

Was I just temporarily mentally ill, or is there slightly more to it?

What on earth was going on in my brain? The doctors seem clueless, so I thought I'd come here instead.

Any views?

Edited by Jay Jacks
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3 hours ago, Jay Jacks said:

Was I just temporarily mentally ill, or is there slightly more to it?

Nobody here is qualified to give you a medical diagnosis on the state of your mental health. Please speak with your doctor.

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