Claire. Posted April 28, 2017 #1 Share Posted April 28, 2017 Are You Being Manipulated? We all want to get our needs met, but manipulators use underhanded methods. Manipulation is a way to covertly influence someone with indirect, deceptive, or abusive tactics. Manipulation may seem benign or even friendly or flattering, as if the person has your highest concern in mind, but in reality it’s to achieve an ulterior motive. Other times, it’s veiled hostility, and when abusive methods are used, the objective is merely power. You may not realize that you’re being unconsciously intimidated. Read more: Psychology Today 9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post XenoFish Posted April 28, 2017 Popular Post #2 Share Posted April 28, 2017 I think this might compliment your thread Claire. https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/communication-success/201510/14-signs-psychological-and-emotional-manipulation 10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post darkmoonlady Posted April 28, 2017 Popular Post #3 Share Posted April 28, 2017 I know I was abusively manipulated by my ex husband. He had a temper and it came out anytime he felt stressed be it big or little. I swore to myself I would never stay with someone who yelled at me and yet over six years he did yell and throw tantrums but always turned it on me, my fault for interrupting him, my fault not talking loud enough, my fault for not understanding why he was angry in the first place. He manipulated every situation with anger or the threat of anger. I am never putting myself in that position again. It's been eight months since the divorce and it's so much better with out him. 11 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Likely Guy Posted April 28, 2017 #4 Share Posted April 28, 2017 "Trust Me!", is a big misnomer. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Imaginarynumber1 Posted April 28, 2017 #5 Share Posted April 28, 2017 2 hours ago, Likely Guy said: "Trust Me!", is a big misnomer. No no it's cool. You can totally trust me. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr Walker Posted April 28, 2017 #6 Share Posted April 28, 2017 (edited) I've never really encountered this among family, friends or colleagues. In part, people who know me, know they will have more luck being upfront and honest than being devious. In part i have just chosen over the years only to connect with people who are not manipulative. In part, my psychology training helps, but also I am reasonably blunt/honest, with people although pleasant and polite, and they recognise there are easier targets. If someone needs money, for example, they can ask, and if ive got it they can have it, but also i will say no, if i haven't got it to spare. I am married to a woman without a devious or manipulative bone in her body She is equally upfront and direct with her expectations of me. Sometimes i do not realise what a wonderfully liberating relationship this is, until i see other married couples who make an art of manipulating their partner to get their own way. All this makes me suspect that manipulators are more commonly found linked to people who are susceptible to manipulation, like bullies tend to gravitate to those who have fewer defences against bullying. Edited April 28, 2017 by Mr Walker 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sees Posted April 28, 2017 #7 Share Posted April 28, 2017 "No one can make you feel inferior without your permission" (Eleanor Roosevelt) 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr Walker Posted April 28, 2017 #8 Share Posted April 28, 2017 9 minutes ago, sees said: "No one can make you feel inferior without your permission" (Eleanor Roosevelt) Absolutely, but then no one can make you feel ANY feeling/emotion, without your permission or acquiescence.. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sees Posted April 28, 2017 #9 Share Posted April 28, 2017 7 minutes ago, Mr Walker said: Absolutely, but then no one can make you feel ANY feeling/emotion, without your permission or acquiescence.. Yes but the key factor here, that enables this, is awareness of this truth i.e. something that might well be lacking in those that are prone to being bullied or manipulated. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
darkmoonlady Posted April 28, 2017 #10 Share Posted April 28, 2017 37 minutes ago, sees said: "No one can make you feel inferior without your permission" (Eleanor Roosevelt) I love that quote but it doesn't take into account the realities of relationships where over time in ways subtle and overt someone can wear down your ability to recognize they are making you feel inferior. First year I was with my ex he never showed his temper. He was there when I was seriously ill, helped me, was kind and patient. We got married and he started stressing out about money, work the usuals. It was him saying when I get full time work I won't be stressed out (and yell at you), when I get this new job with more money I won't be stressed out. After his temper tantrums came the honeymoon phase. He would get his angry ya yas out and then act like the tantrum and ensuing fight never happened. Then he was super affectionate, generous and was like he was in the first year. But it never lasted more than a couple of weeks or a month and over time it wears you down. So I never gave him permission other than trying to make it work. Life is much more complex than a quote. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sees Posted April 28, 2017 #11 Share Posted April 28, 2017 (edited) 2 minutes ago, darkmoonlady said: I love that quote but it doesn't take into account the realities of relationships where over time in ways subtle and overt someone can wear down your ability to recognize they are making you feel inferior. First year I was with my ex he never showed his temper. He was there when I was seriously ill, helped me, was kind and patient. We got married and he started stressing out about money, work the usuals. It was him saying when I get full time work I won't be stressed out (and yell at you), when I get this new job with more money I won't be stressed out. After his temper tantrums came the honeymoon phase. He would get his angry ya yas out and then act like the tantrum and ensuing fight never happened. Then he was super affectionate, generous and was like he was in the first year. But it never lasted more than a couple of weeks or a month and over time it wears you down. So I never gave him permission other than trying to make it work. Life is much more complex than a quote. Of course but that quote can act as a wake up call for those at the early stages of such a process so it is valid/important. Awareness is key. Edited April 28, 2017 by sees 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr Walker Posted April 28, 2017 #12 Share Posted April 28, 2017 31 minutes ago, sees said: Yes but the key factor here, that enables this, is awareness of this truth i.e. something that might well be lacking in those that are prone to being bullied or manipulated. True. It also works the other way. Many male abusers truly believe that they have no control over their anger or jealously, and really believe that "she made me hit her " Or "She made me get so angry that i couldn't control myself" Their learned responses to stimuli are so ingrained, that they believe they have no other choice . What is learned can ALWAYS be unlearned, and new responses learned. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ellapenella Posted April 28, 2017 #13 Share Posted April 28, 2017 4 hours ago, Imaginarynumber1 said: No no it's cool. You can totally trust me. that was funny. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
XenoFish Posted April 28, 2017 #14 Share Posted April 28, 2017 (edited) "Would you kindly?" Powerful phrase, familiar phrase? Edited April 28, 2017 by XenoFish 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lilly Posted April 28, 2017 #15 Share Posted April 28, 2017 Embrace your inner X-Files. Trust No One. *disclaimer, until you really, really know their character* When I was younger I was easily manipulated and abused as well. I always seemed to be the one whose fault it was, who needed to do better, who didn't understand, who just wasn't quite good enough. Finally though, I figured it out...I was being manipulated and abused using various psychological mechanisms. But, the real freedom and healing didn't take place until I addressed why I had not seen what was happening in the first pace and why I had allowed it to go on for so long. Once I got a real grasp on my part in the sick dynamic only then did I begin to really heal and become a strong person. Today I would never allow anyone to do such nonsense to me. There's no excuse for extremely abusive behavior. Now, everyone has a bad day every now and again, but we're not talking about that, real abuse is quite evident to those who are mentally strong healthy people. Mentally healthy people simply do not put up with the crap shoveled by narcissists, psychopaths, borderlines. No, mentally healthy folks see them for who and what they are and just refuse to enter into their sick/twisted world. 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sees Posted April 28, 2017 #16 Share Posted April 28, 2017 I have also come full circle from - in my teens - being prone to being used (I blame myself as a person pleaser back then) to now a fully fledged, assertive and empowered person! 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aka CAT Posted April 28, 2017 #17 Share Posted April 28, 2017 2 hours ago, Lilly said: Embrace your inner X-Files. Trust No One. I choose to trust my husband for his withstanding the test of time. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
XenoFish Posted April 28, 2017 #18 Share Posted April 28, 2017 When are we not being manipulated by someone or something? 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lilly Posted April 28, 2017 #19 Share Posted April 28, 2017 40 minutes ago, aka CAT said: I choose to trust my husband for his withstanding the test of time. I agree and have added a disclaimer to reflect this. It should read more like: "Trust no one until they have behaved (long term) in a manner deserving of your trust". 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aka CAT Posted April 28, 2017 #20 Share Posted April 28, 2017 41 minutes ago, Lilly said: I agree and have added a disclaimer to reflect this. It should read more like: "Trust no one until they have behaved (long term) in a manner deserving of your trust". People are more or less virtuous or self-serving. They can be trusted to varying degrees to do distinctive things. It is generally a matter of what they value and/or have to gain versus what they might possibly lose, while shady persons can only be trusted to opportunely take the greatest advantage possible. Insofar as couples are concerned, I've known persons of both genders whom habitually check up on their mates. Often, it is their being suspicious and, consequently, insanely jealous that is most ruinous to their relationship(s). After all, if certain people expect you to betray them, then what trust is lost by your ceasing to be affiliated with them? Love perseveres. Tested, some people prove true. That little is guaranteed in life is all the more reason to give thanks for blessings as opposed to constantly worrying about one has to lose. 0:-) MGby. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr Walker Posted April 29, 2017 #21 Share Posted April 29, 2017 10 hours ago, XenoFish said: When are we not being manipulated by someone or something? Personally always (not being manipulated) First it requires someone with the desire to manipulate me, and I've removed all of them from my life Second, it requires acquiescence in the process and i refuse to be manipulated (except to serve my own ends in which case i am not actually being manipulated) There are a few people online who attempt to manipulate me and it has taken me some time to recognise the characteristics of such people.I don't think they have succeeded, because I am who and what i am, and my responses reflect that, not the aims of the manipulator. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr Walker Posted April 29, 2017 #22 Share Posted April 29, 2017 10 hours ago, Lilly said: I agree and have added a disclaimer to reflect this. It should read more like: "Trust no one until they have behaved (long term) in a manner deserving of your trust". Is that then, truly trust? ie faith in someone's behaviour. I am fortunate living where i do, but i work the other way. I trust all people until i have reason to find them untrustworthy That has worked well for me, but might not for others, living in different circumstances. You still get burned occasionally, but the cost of this is much less than living without trust in those around you. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aka CAT Posted April 29, 2017 #23 Share Posted April 29, 2017 2 hours ago, Mr Walker said: Is that then, truly trust? ie faith in someone's behaviour. I am fortunate living where i do, but i work the other way. I trust all people until i have reason to find them untrustworthy That has worked well for me, but might not for others, living in different circumstances. You still get burned occasionally, but the cost of this is much less than living without trust in those around you. It is charitable to give people the benefit of doubt as much as is prudent, which is circumstantially different for men and women. Painstaking as am I about taking precautions to never be alone with a strange man, many years ago I was blessed to have a virtual angel help me get a spare tire aired and changed on the coldest night in decades here-- everyone has to trust at some time or other. Risky situations aside, part of being generous toward people is one's trusting others' intentions until s/he's given cause to do else wise. That there are both good and bad people motivates me to resist becoming cynical while being duly vigilant. 0:-) MGby. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lilly Posted April 29, 2017 #24 Share Posted April 29, 2017 12 hours ago, Mr Walker said: You still get burned occasionally, but the cost of this is much less than living without trust in those around you. Quite frankly, you can get more than just "burned occasionally" if you choose to simply trust everyone. You can become the victim of a robbery or sexual assault. You can end up married to someone who is not at all what they seemed to be. Your entire life and the life of your children can be very negatively affected. And sadly, you can even lose your life entirely by becoming yet another death statistic. No thanks, I trust no one until I really know their character. I'm not saying that I'm unfriendly, impolite or rude mind you, I'm just not naïve. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
White Unicorn Posted April 29, 2017 #25 Share Posted April 29, 2017 13 hours ago, Mr Walker said: Is that then, truly trust? ie faith in someone's behaviour. I am fortunate living where i do, but i work the other way. I trust all people until i have reason to find them untrustworthy That has worked well for me, but might not for others, living in different circumstances. You still get burned occasionally, but the cost of this is much less than living without trust in those around you. It depends on where you live. I lived in a farm town. People there had high ethics and morals, you could trust them easily. Cities and suburbs were more like Lilly said. Trust no one until they earn it! I saw more dog eat dog attitudes and manipulator personalities in those enviroments of materialism. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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