Why do I think of him a lot?

[444rose]

Hello everyone,

12 years ago I broke up with an ex boyfriend  and for the last 2 years I keep thinking of him. Last year he sent me a "hello" message on facebook, I was surprised and I replied to him a week later "hello". I thought nothing of it, but he is always on my mind. I tried everything (cord cutting, kept myself busy, I even blocked him from all social media.), and I don't know why he is always on my mind. I sometimes get emotional when I think of him. I wonder if it is because he thinks of me or am I going.crazy?

[+Hammerclaw]

Still through the hawthorn blows the cold wind,

And the lowering clouds are gray.

I will search the lorn moor, but who will I find

To take my forlornness away?

Wild are the winds that blow through a life,

Until heart, hope and happiness chill;

But the wind through the hawthorn cuts like a knife,

And gone are white blossoms and little bird's fife,

And in death and decay lies all that was blithe,

And the deep frost violets kill.

Once the hawthorn and I, our hearts could meet,

White was my bosom, my perfume sweet,

He gave me his shadow, I slept at his feet,

And I would that I slept there still.

Still through the hawthorn blows the cold wind,

Now I pass him unknown, he is deaf, he is blind.

Bed, I will come to thee, sleep I shall find.

Blow rain, blow snow, blow soft, blow shrill, 

While I drift with the mist where I will.

Elain's Lament.   The Pagan King by Edison Marshall.

 

 

[.ZZ.]

2 hours ago, 444rose said:

Hello everyone,

12 years ago I broke up with an ex boyfriend  and for the last 2 years I keep thinking of him. Last year he sent me a "hello" message on facebook, I was surprised and I replied to him a week later "hello". I thought nothing of it, but he is always on my mind. I tried everything (cord cutting, kept myself busy, I even blocked him from all social media.), and I don't know why he is always on my mind. I sometimes get emotional when I think of him. I wonder if it is because he thinks of me or am I going.crazy?

Have you met someone else in those 12 years?

The the only way to forget is to replace him.

[sees]

When looking back it's easy to remember the strength of feeling, the highlights i.e. selective memory.  You broke up with him for a reason....

[Orangiestgirl]

Keep on cutting the cord EVERYTIME youre about to think about him

[sees]

30 minutes ago, Orangiestgirl said:

Keep on cutting the cord EVERYTIME youre about to think about him

....better yet, reappraise him with all that he is since she broke up with him for a reason, right?

Edited June 9, 2017 by sees

[444rose]

16 hours ago, .ZZ. said:

Have you met someone else in those 12 years?

The the only way to forget is to replace him.

Yes, I've met and dated a lot of men after breaking up with him 12 years ago. I've been married for 9 years now, and before blocking him from social media I noticed he is married too.

Edited June 9, 2017 by 444rose

[444rose]

4 hours ago, Orangiestgirl said:

Keep on cutting the cord EVERYTIME youre about to think about him

I thought that cutting the cord once would do the trick 

[Orangiestgirl]

2 hours ago, 444rose said:

I thought that cutting the cord once would do the trick 

It should have but you still feel a connection.hmmm. what do you feel like you should do to let go of that connection?trust your intuition. Its all for the sake of your health. this article might help you also.

http://www.bellesprit.com/is-my-ex-thinking-of-me/

[jimrich]

When he or any thought/feeling comes to you, just say "Hello" and maybe even "How ya been?" or "Thanks for dropping by" and ALLOW that thought/feeling to be there for as long as it needs or wants to be there.  This may seem counter-intuitive but, I am noticing that if uncomfortable or unhappy memories/feelings/thoughts, etc. "pop" into my mind or awareness and I just let it hang around, they gradually or quickly fade back to the emptiness and I feel a lot of relief BUT if I fight a memory/thought/feeling, it hangs around longer than I like and also HURTS a lot more.  I am filled with a lot of painful, unhappy and ANGRY childhood memories and if I allow them to pop up, stay a while and then dissolve, I feel much better than if I get upset, unhappy or fight with them.  I cannot explain why these painful, unhappy, embarrassing or shaming memories/feelings pop up or why greeting them and allowing them to just linger and then fade works but it is working for me now better than aversion, fighting or resenting those unwelcome memories.  Maybe it's because greeting and allowing them gives me a little more power than hating or fighting with them.   I just say, "Hi, how are you?" and they just hurt a little and then dissolve!  I am not seeing less and less of those past pains but they hurt less and less so that is a welcome change for me.  

[sees]

21 minutes ago, jimrich said:

When he or any thought/feeling comes to you, just say "Hello" and maybe even "How ya been?" or "Thanks for dropping by" and ALLOW that thought/feeling to be there for as long as it needs or wants to be there.  This may seem counter-intuitive but, I am noticing that if uncomfortable or unhappy memories/feelings/thoughts, etc. "pop" into my mind or awareness and I just let it hang around, they gradually or quickly fade back to the emptiness and I feel a lot of relief BUT if I fight a memory/thought/feeling, it hangs around longer than I like and also HURTS a lot more.  I am filled with a lot of painful, unhappy and ANGRY childhood memories and if I allow them to pop up, stay a while and then dissolve, I feel much better than if I get upset, unhappy or fight with them.  I cannot explain why these painful, unhappy, embarrassing or shaming memories/feelings pop up or why greeting them and allowing them to just linger and then fade works but it is working for me now better than aversion, fighting or resenting those unwelcome memories.  Maybe it's because greeting and allowing them gives me a little more power than hating or fighting with them.   I just say, "Hi, how are you?" and they just hurt a little and then dissolve!  I am not seeing less and less of those past pains but they hurt less and less so that is a welcome change for me.  

Well done! Yes this makes a lot of sense.  It reminds me of the phrase "what we resist, persists!"  Did you discover this yourself or is it a technique you adopted?

[sees]

Considering that he is now married, obviously a lot has changed (to you both) and if you met up with him he would no longer be how you remember him!  If you can fully acknowledge this then it might be a bit of a wake up call! 

Edited June 10, 2017 by sees

[444rose]

I am not even attracted to him and I don't love him anymore. It is just strange that after so many years he pops up in my mind and he suddenly messages me. What really bothers me it's that I constantly think of him, I don't want anything with this man. 

[sees]

26 minutes ago, 444rose said:

I am not even attracted to him and I don't love him anymore. It is just strange that after so many years he pops up in my mind and he suddenly messages me. What really bothers me it's that I constantly think of him, I don't want anything with this man. 

Well there must be a reason for this...some unfinished business?  Closure?

[jimrich]

9 hours ago, sees said:

Well done! Yes this makes a lot of sense.  It reminds me of the phrase "what we resist, persists!"  Did you discover this yourself or is it a technique you adopted?

I got the technique from Gangaji (google: gangaji.org) and also a few other spiritual/metaphysical teachers and speakers on esoteric wisdoms or non-duality.  As you say, it's an application of non-resistance to mental/emotional energy or surrender with dignity. 

I need to use it all the time because I carry an ocean of unfinished business and unhealed memories/feelings from a lousy childhood and other times in my past.  There is relief, for me, in allowing a painful thought/feeling to just be here and know that I can handle the "pain", embarrassment, threat, shame, fear, hate, anger, sorrow, regret, bitterness, etc WITHOUT needing to take revenge or push the memory/feeling away which only bottles it up until the next time it pops up again and again and again.  By letting the feeling/energy express, it dissolves rather than going back into hiding (somewhere?) inside of me - only to return later on..  .

[sees]

23 minutes ago, jimrich said:

I got the technique from Gangaji (google: gangaji.org) and also a few other spiritual/metaphysical teachers and speakers on esoteric wisdoms or non-duality.  As you say, it's an application of non-resistance to mental/emotional energy or surrender with dignity. 

I need to use it all the time because I carry an ocean of unfinished business and unhealed memories/feelings from a lousy childhood and other times in my past.  There is relief, for me, in allowing a painful thought/feeling to just be here and know that I can handle the "pain", embarrassment, threat, shame, fear, hate, anger, sorrow, regret, bitterness, etc WITHOUT needing to take revenge or push the memory/feeling away which only bottles it up until the next time it pops up again and again and again.  By letting the feeling/energy express, it dissolves rather than going back into hiding (somewhere?) inside of me - only to return later on..  .

I wonder why it keeps returning....does the energy of it lessen i.e. is it fading in impact?  What would it take to reach closure?  Have you tried other methods/forms of therapy e.g. psychotherapy, role play (where the other person takes on the persona of the one that affected you and quotes similar phrases for you to act out/tell them how you feel) etc?

[jimrich]

25 minutes ago, sees said:

I wonder why it keeps returning....does the energy of it lessen i.e. is it fading in impact?  What would it take to reach closure?  Have you tried other methods/forms of therapy e.g. psychotherapy, role play (where the other person takes on the persona of the one that affected you and quotes similar phrases for you to act out/tell them how you feel) etc?

My experience of working with bottled up, painful past trauma is that each time I discharge the specific memory/feeling the pool of traumatic energy/memories decreases so I am currently much happier, lighter and comfortable than I was at the beginning of emotional therapy so long ago.  I did not have a personal therapist to role-play with but learned some powerful discharging or Venting techniques from anger work books and from experienced members at 12 step sharing meetings.  IMO, "closure" is nothing more than a reduction in the amount of or frequency that disturbing thoughts/memories occur but NOT the total end to it (closure?) although that might also happen.  Mine have not STOPPED but are much less troubling now. 

Since I did not have anyone to "role play" with, I was taught to mentally paste my dad's face (or anyone I needed to talk to) onto a piece of stuffed furniture and then TELL HIM OFF!   I was taught to say or SCREAM out every single angry, sad or humiliating thing I did not or could not say to him when i was a child and even BEAT HIM UP if my anger led to savage rage & violence!   I violently beat up several stuffed chairs with my rotten dad's face (mentally) pasted to them!  I could not have done that with a role-playing therapist!   The point is to allow the bottled up energy to pour out and onto the CORRECT TARGET, which was my dad in my case, so that the energy can be completely sent to (Vented) where it wants to go and the Victim/Survivor obtains some kind of JUSTICE or Satisfaction.  I found hitting the CORRECT TARGET extremely satisfying and that also prevented me from hitting the WRONG TARGET such as: friends, siblings, wives, co-workers, pets, strangers, the TV, another motorist, etc.  After doing these Venting sessions, until completely exhausted, I always felt such relaxed relief that I finally got things off my chest but I was warned that this Venting might go on for a while - perhaps for years - and it has, but my angry energy did get smaller and smaller over time. 

This process will not appeal to most folks so I guess they will have to just find their own methods of discharging their pains or go on living with their pain.  Pain can be Denied and lived with until the bitter end but I refused to go that way so I did and sometimes still do "anger work" rather than road rage or succumb to some horrible disease like CANCER or a Heart attack, etc.  Bottled up, hidden and denied pain is the root cause of almost every disease and all violence but our culture does not acknowledge repressed trauma so very few folks, like the OP, have any idea what to do about things that "bother" them.  And yet, the painful things that "bother" folks will not stop just because we have been taught to ignore our inner daemons such as the OP's unrelenting thoughts from the past.

Quote

I wonder why it keeps returning.

I have no (current) idea why past pain keeps returning but I sure know what to do about it - for now.

[jimrich]

2 hours ago, 444rose said:

I am not even attracted to him and I don't love him anymore. It is just strange that after so many years he pops up in my mind and he suddenly messages me. What really bothers me it's that I constantly think of him, I don't want anything with this man. 

Try this....., each time he reappears in your mind, politely say something like:  "Hi, (his name).  Its nice to see you again.  Have you come to hurt or embarrass me?   (then whit a chuckle) Well, it's OK, (his name), I can handle it and thanks for dropping by."  then just sit with the image/thoughts or feelings UNTIL they dissolve or disappear.  This may be very painful or distressing at first but might diminish over time as you ALLOW the thoughts/memories to come up, bother you for a while and then fade away or dissolve.  It may seem like self abuse but I've found that the painful old memories are not as bad as I once thought and hurt less and less each time one reappears.  I don't try to laugh them off or fight with them.  I just allow them to linger here, tolerate the pain or discomfort and then they simply disappear.  In my current experience, the memories are becoming less and less and they hurt less and less so the painful energy must be somehow dissipating or losing force,

good luck..............

[444rose]

2 hours ago, sees said:

Well there must be a reason for this...some unfinished business?  Closure?

Perhaps because I ghosted him after telling him how much I felt about him. I was in an on/off relationship with this man for a year. He was older than me and very manipulative. When I found out that he was dating other women behind my back, I had enough. I changed my email, my phone number and changed jobs. I simply dissapeared out of his life.

[sees]

1 minute ago, 444rose said:

Perhaps because I ghosted him after telling him how much I felt about him. I was in an on/off relationship with this man for a year. He was older than me and very manipulative. When I found out that he was dating other women behind my back, I had enough. I changed my email, my phone number and changed jobs. I simply dissapeared out of his life.

Sounds like you are well out of it then!  The mind can be slow to eclipse outdated feelings....  When this occurred to me, I kept reminding myself of why I ended the relationship - the reality check quickly put any gushy feeling I had into perspective.

[coolguy]

I think deep deep down in side u love him and u dont wanna admit it to ur self

[KNash]

On 6/8/2017 at 6:53 PM, 444rose said:

Hello everyone,

12 years ago I broke up with an ex boyfriend  and for the last 2 years I keep thinking of him. Last year he sent me a "hello" message on facebook, I was surprised and I replied to him a week later "hello". I thought nothing of it, but he is always on my mind. I tried everything (cord cutting, kept myself busy, I even blocked him from all social media.), and I don't know why he is always on my mind. I sometimes get emotional when I think of him. I wonder if it is because he thinks of me or am I going.crazy?

Sounds like you still care about him and never stopped even though you may have forgotten about him for a while. You're not going crazy. At this point, I'd sit down and decide if this is something you want to pursue, providing that the relationship was mutually healthy, or if you'd rather move on. If you want to move on, make it very clear to yourself that nothing is going to happen. You have to believe that you two are finished if you want to move past this

Good luck!