Is this real life? A real dilemma.

[Shinji]

Hello everyone. Before I tell you stuff about my dilemma, let me tell you something about myself. My brain is not capable of producing enought serotonin and other "happiness" hormons, I was born without some glands. I had a trauma with a babysitter, locking me in a pitch black bathroom for 6 hours/day. I am different, depressive mostly and quite thoughtful. 

What's my dilemma? Well, I studied Freud, Jung, Mesmer, all the big boys. I studied philosophy and brain. I know myself, as Socrate would like me to, but ... one day, I argued with my fiancee so bad, we almost broke up and I just ran to the bathroom, locked myself in and smashed things crying, so I wouldn't hurt her. After a while, I accepted the fact, I went outside, sat next to her on the bed, while she was crying and then I had an urge to jump from the third floor. I closed my eyes, and then it felt like I quickly opemed them back and ran to the balcony jumping. Cool **** right? Just suicide thoughts, well it was so real, I felt every movement through all my body, I felt the muscles contracting while I jumped, I felt the peace during the mid-air and I smiled right before I felt my skull crashing onto the ground. I started shaking om the bed and she slaped me, I hug her and ask her to come with me to the balcomy to see if I'm pieces on the ground... I wasn't, she felt like I was going crazy, I felt it too. I didn't believe I was alive, to this day, I am still dead inside and I believe I died there, or at least my soul comitted suicide? 

What's your opinion? I never heard about stuff like this, I felt like disconnecting from my body. Did anyone read some philosophy papers or whatever and can give me an answer? 

AM I ALIVE OR IS THIS JUST A PROJECTION OF MY DYING BRAIN? 

[docyabut2]

Quote

You may have had a bad experience with a baby sitter, but let it go because all your life you will feel Abandonment

 

[Shinji]

It's more than that, I let that go somehow, I just can't perceive the power of Creativity. Is our brain so strong it can create anything? Was my experience a proof? All I am asking is, so you believe there is a scientific explaination, or a religious one.

[docyabut2]

22 minutes ago, Shinji said:

It's more than that, I let that go somehow, I just can't perceive the power of Creativity. Is our brain so strong it can create anything? Was my experience a proof? All I am asking is, so you believe there is a scientific explaination, or a religious one.

trust me it just bad experiences of the past that you keep dreaming or having extorted visions  of. let it go or else it will destroy all your relation ships of the future.   

Edited June 13, 2017 by docyabut2

[Gingitsune]

That's the kind of things schizophrenic brain can do, it makes "dreams" as tangible as reality. Although you don't have to be schizophrenic, it's just the kind of things the brain can do when pushed enough. And like dreams, these hallucinations are the products of the brain which is assessing and sorting experiences. It was a stressful situation and your brain kind of unloaded with the dream meet reality like hallucination projecting a suicide.

You said you feel miserable since, there must be something unresolved from that day. It could be the things she said, or just the fact that she was so worked up against you. Or maybe she reminded your of another bad experience before. Sort your motivations and see what you can change to lift the feeling of being dead.

Then there are the basics, eat well, sleep well, exercise, avoid stressful situation and when they occur solve them quick. It also seem that just walking, preferable in natural or even park like environment does wonders for gloomy feelings.

https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/regular-walking-can-help-ease-depression/
https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2015/06/how-walking-in-nature-prevents-depression/397172/

Edited June 13, 2017 by Gingitsune

[DebDandelion]

This might sound silly but the fact that your writing here and getting response to ur post means ur alive.

The fact that ur trying to understand what u are feeling means u feel. Ur lack of understanding what u are dealing with shows your will to survive. 

No one can render an answer that will satisfy your need for understanding what you experienced,  I can only.point out that according to my faith your soul is.not something that can die with the body surviving. 

You do feel, based on your description you gave, you are filled with trauma but you do feel. 

On this site we may not.give medical advice...have you however considered seeking help from qualified professionals to help you deal?

[taniwha]

I wish you a speedy recovery.

[Shinji]

Thank you everyone, I will consult a psychiatrist. After I talked about it, I feel better. I see it as a good thing, I believe my brain is special and I will use it.

[kartikg]

Dude don't take philosophers too seriously, the real world and real life are entirely different and most events happen to us are somewhat random or lucky or due to our efforts and our genetic makeup. 

[Yamato]

On 6/12/2017 at 8:28 PM, Shinji said:

Hello everyone. Before I tell you stuff about my dilemma, let me tell you something about myself. My brain is not capable of producing enought serotonin and other "happiness" hormons, I was born without some glands. I had a trauma with a babysitter, locking me in a pitch black bathroom for 6 hours/day. I am different, depressive mostly and quite thoughtful. 

What's my dilemma? Well, I studied Freud, Jung, Mesmer, all the big boys. I studied philosophy and brain. I know myself, as Socrate would like me to, but ... one day, I argued with my fiancee so bad, we almost broke up and I just ran to the bathroom, locked myself in and smashed things crying, so I wouldn't hurt her. After a while, I accepted the fact, I went outside, sat next to her on the bed, while she was crying and then I had an urge to jump from the third floor. I closed my eyes, and then it felt like I quickly opemed them back and ran to the balcony jumping. Cool **** right? Just suicide thoughts, well it was so real, I felt every movement through all my body, I felt the muscles contracting while I jumped, I felt the peace during the mid-air and I smiled right before I felt my skull crashing onto the ground. I started shaking om the bed and she slaped me, I hug her and ask her to come with me to the balcomy to see if I'm pieces on the ground... I wasn't, she felt like I was going crazy, I felt it too. I didn't believe I was alive, to this day, I am still dead inside and I believe I died there, or at least my soul comitted suicide? 

What's your opinion? I never heard about stuff like this, I felt like disconnecting from my body. Did anyone read some philosophy papers or whatever and can give me an answer? 

AM I ALIVE OR IS THIS JUST A PROJECTION OF MY DYING BRAIN? 

In your study of the brain, perhaps you didn't learn that 90% of your Serotonin is produced in your gut.    So if you do genuinely have a lack of Serotonin you have a gut problem that's causing it.   Heal your gut, and your serotonin levels will resolve themselves.

Want to unleash your Norepinephrine and tear a huge hole in your depression fast?   Start taking cold showers.  This is very easy to do.  Take a normal comfortable shower as you usually do, and when you're rinsed off, turn the water to full cold and breathe (or sing) through the discomfort for as long as you can take without shivering.   As your brown fat continues to increase (mitochondria-rich fat is brown under the microscope) your resistance to cold will continue to increase as well.   You'll not only feel more alive while you're suffering in the shower, you'll feel more alive for hours after too.   There are also places you can go and pay for "cryotherapy" where you're bathed in liquid nitrogen up to your neck, or in other cases immersed fully in it mixed in the air you're breathing.  Showers are basically free and highly effective.  Good luck charging those batteries!    It's not just cold therapy that's beneficial.   Infrared or dry saunas (and even hot baths) and exercise are two more examples of short duration stress that provide the desirable "stress response" that make us feel better.   You'll also look better, feel happier, think clearer and live longer.

You're not necessarily "different" either, you're responding appropriately to trauma.  If you were locked in a dark bathroom for six hours a day, of course you're going to be having some issues from enduring such things.   That's just natural; you're a real human being.  Good for you that you're so thoughtful and inquiring though!

[Shinji]

8 hours ago, Yamato said:

In your study of the brain, perhaps you didn't learn that 90% of your Serotonin is produced in your gut.    So if you do genuinely have a lack of Serotonin you have a gut problem that's causing it.   Heal your gut, and your serotonin levels will resolve themselves.

Want to unleash your Norepinephrine and tear a huge hole in your depression fast?   Start taking cold showers.  This is very easy to do.  Take a normal comfortable shower as you usually do, and when you're rinsed off, turn the water to full cold and breathe (or sing) through the discomfort for as long as you can take without shivering.   As your brown fat continues to increase (mitochondria-rich fat is brown under the microscope) your resistance to cold will continue to increase as well.   You'll not only feel more alive while you're suffering in the shower, you'll feel more alive for hours after too.   There are also places you can go and pay for "cryotherapy" where you're bathed in liquid nitrogen up to your neck, or in other cases immersed fully in it mixed in the air you're breathing.  Showers are basically free and highly effective.  Good luck charging those batteries!    It's not just cold therapy that's beneficial.   Infrared or dry saunas (and even hot baths) and exercise are two more examples of short duration stress that provide the desirable "stress response" that make us feel better.   You'll also look better, feel happier, think clearer and live longer.

You're not necessarily "different" either, you're responding appropriately to trauma.  If you were locked in a dark bathroom for six hours a day, of course you're going to be having some issues from enduring such things.   That's just natural; you're a real human being.  Good for you that you're so thoughtful and inquiring though!

That is amazing and I promise to try it. I use to take pills for a year now, like Serlift and I stopped it because I got really mad by the fac that a pill is what makes me happy. 

Thank you for taking the time to help me out. 

[The_V_Spirit]

Yep!..trauma can deal a great damage to one's mental health. trust me i know cuz i've been there. I have suffered anxiety and depression before and i'm still dealing with it, but it's less nowadays and it's getting better. In addition to others' solutions for your problem, i'm going to add more:

Try to change your habits and lifestyle, and most of all, try to start meditating. it helps by silencing the mind and bringing your focus to the present, by doing  so you'll eventually forget negative experiences and emotion and would feel much calmer and stable. It has worked for me, i hope it does for you. Stay strong bro you can do it!

[strunk64]

On 6/12/2017 at 8:28 PM, Shinji said:

Hello everyone. Before I tell you stuff about my dilemma, let me tell you something about myself. My brain is not capable of producing enought serotonin and other "happiness" hormons, I was born without some glands. I had a trauma with a babysitter, locking me in a pitch black bathroom for 6 hours/day. I am different, depressive mostly and quite thoughtful. 

What's my dilemma? Well, I studied Freud, Jung, Mesmer, all the big boys. I studied philosophy and brain. I know myself, as Socrate would like me to, but ... one day, I argued with my fiancee so bad, we almost broke up and I just ran to the bathroom, locked myself in and smashed things crying, so I wouldn't hurt her. After a while, I accepted the fact, I went outside, sat next to her on the bed, while she was crying and then I had an urge to jump from the third floor. I closed my eyes, and then it felt like I quickly opemed them back and ran to the balcony jumping. Cool **** right? Just suicide thoughts, well it was so real, I felt every movement through all my body, I felt the muscles contracting while I jumped, I felt the peace during the mid-air and I smiled right before I felt my skull crashing onto the ground. I started shaking om the bed and she slaped me, I hug her and ask her to come with me to the balcomy to see if I'm pieces on the ground... I wasn't, she felt like I was going crazy, I felt it too. I didn't believe I was alive, to this day, I am still dead inside and I believe I died there, or at least my soul comitted suicide? 

What's your opinion? I never heard about stuff like this, I felt like disconnecting from my body. Did anyone read some philosophy papers or whatever and can give me an answer? 

AM I ALIVE OR IS THIS JUST A PROJECTION OF MY DYING BRAIN? 

I think that was like a trial run of your options, you chose another way. You now have a second chance. Make changes.

[Shinji]

Thank you guys. I tried the cold shower and I was amazed of how good it felt, even if I am a hot shower guy.

And yes, that showed me how easily life can end and how little we, as humans, are. So I will try to live my life as well as possible.

P.S.: Went to a professional, gave me some pills for serotonin and i did a SCL-90-R test and someone will calculate my score soon.

I calculated some of them myself and it turned out I'm Depressed, Maniac and Sensible Human Interactions, which is true to some extend. (maniac means having aggressive behavior when you get mad)

[NightScreams]

Do you see a psychiatrist? There may be medicines that can help.