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Miseriae

I Need Help Understanding Myself

8 posts in this topic

I've never posted on this site before, in fact, this is my first time even visiting it - so in short, I apologize if I'm doing something wrong or not following proper site etiquette somehow, or even if this just isn't the right place for this sort of thing. I just don't really know where else to post something like this, or who else could help me out here. 

My name is Alexandria and I'm a 24-year-old from New Jersey. I don't know where to start off...I'll just say throughout my life I've had quite a few paranormal experiences. I've always felt like I knew more than I should. As a child, I could always tell you what song was about to come on the radio, who was about to call on the phone, even what numbers were about to pop-up on the Powerball. I never really thought too much of it, honestly. I don't know if this has anything to do with it, but being that I'm in search of answers, I'm willing to divulge all information. I was a pretty troubled child. I struggled with depression and self-harm very early on. At 15 I was already in rehab, struggling with a burgeoning addiction and diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. This was a trend that continued on throughout my life. Being that I was diagnosed with BPD, I also suffered from horrendous insomnia from the time I was in elementary school, but it was my understanding that these disorders went hand in hand. My chronic insomnia would often cause me to have auditory and visual hallucinations for the majority of my life. Again, I didn't think too much of it because I was under the impression that this was a part of my disorder.

I've continued to struggle with insomnia into my adult life, along with the hallucinations. This will be important later on in my story, so keep that in mind.

A couple years ago, I had a guinea pig who I loved very dearly. I had him for somewhere around 5-6 years. One night as I was getting ready for bed, and I remember very vividly thinking that I HAD to get up and check on Ben. Something in my head kept insisting that I NEEDED to go and hold Ben. I shrugged it off and thought I was being ridiculous, that I could always hold him and play with him in the morning. I went to sleep that night, trying my absolute hardest to bury those thoughts still screaming at me. The next day I found my poor boy had passed away in his cage. This was my first experience with something along these lines, so while it rattled me a little, I didn't think too much about it and I let it go.

Around this time, my dad had gotten very sick. He had two massive heart attacks and then had to undergo a leg amputation due to gangrene. In my house, his room was to the left of mine and across from my room was the bathroom. There was a long hallway that stretched from our dining room all the way straight to his room, with mine to the left and the bathroom to the right. For months after Ben had died, I would see this strange black shadow out of the corner of my eye moving in the hallway, always in the middle of the night (3-4 AM). I would be the only person awake in my house because of my insomnia, and I always chalked it up to be another one of my hallucinations. At this point in my life, black shadows were common for me to see. Pretty frequently, I would feel like something was staring at me from across the hallway, in front of the bathroom door. But it never felt harmful, and so I let it go. (I'm not easily shaken up by paranormal-esque occurrences, but I am unsure why.) Anyway, so this went on for months but I never thought too much about it. Fast forward to March of 2016. I remember waking up and texting my best friend that I had a dream my dad died in his sleep. She told me not to think that way and I was really upset. I let it go, I tried not to think about it for the rest of the day, it was my mom's birthday and I wanted us to all enjoy it together. My dad had had a rough morning, he was really suffering from some kidney issues and he was unable to use the bathroom anymore, it was extremely painful for him. He also would tell me how people would come to him when he was sleeping, just kind of strange things, etc. He also went through a period of lapse in time and he wasn't sure who my mom was but kept hitting on her (lol sly devil). But the rest of the day went on and he was happy and we all ate together and helped him get back to bed. 

After helping him get into bed, he fell asleep pretty quickly. My mom and I spent a few hours trying to wake him up to take his night meds, but he just wouldn't wake up (he was snoring super loudly though, so we knew he was asleep and well) and my dog who was laying on his stomach, wouldn't let us get anywhere near my dad. He would lunge at my mom and not stop barking anytime she touched my dad, which is super unlike my dog, he's a lap dog by all means. We eventually decided to just let him sleep and I went back to my room, my mom went to the living room where she fell asleep on the couch. I was laying in my bed watching videos on Youtube when I saw the shadowy figure again out of the corner of my eye. This time I watched it move down the hall toward my dad's room and stop in the doorway. But again, it didn't feel harmful. Actually, it felt extremely peaceful, so I shrugged it off, chalking it up again to my hallucinations. 

I ended up falling asleep around midnight and next thing I knew, I woke up at 3:23 AM and felt like I had been punched right in my gut, the breath sucked completely out of me and this horrible taste of rot in my mouth. My very initial thought was, "you have to check on dad. Check on dad. You HAVE to check on dad. He stopped breathing. Dad's not breathing. CHECK ON DAD!" The more I lingered and denied the thoughts, the more adamant and all-consuming they became until finally I got up and walked into my dad's room.

I knew before I had even walked into the room and I have no idea how. I'll never understand how. I found my dad dead in his bed, my dog still at his side. I remember locking eyes with my dog and whispering that he had died, didn't he? He was gone. And I'll never forget how peaceful and quiet the room was. How my dad looked like he had slipped away in the most painless, peaceful way. 

Since that day I haven't been able to get it all off my mind. I haven't been able to understand what happened, how I knew, what woke me up, why I had that dream the day before. I'm constantly paranoid that it'll happen again, my dreams absolutely terrify me, and my insomnia has only gotten incredibly worse, along with my drug dependency. I just need some kind of understanding. Some kind of peace of mind to know why it happened the way it did, or if there's some way I can control it should it ever happen again.

I just hope someone reads all of this (I know it's so much, I'm sorry) and can shed some light on it for me. Thank you so much if you've read this and gotten this far. Sincerely, thank you. Even just typing this out and getting it out of my head is so therapeutic. 

As a last note, I will add in that prior to my dad's passing, I did go to a metaphysical supply store called Charmed where I talked to the owner about a few things. She told me from the moment I walked in, she could tell something was different about me. She told me I was an empath, but I admit I didn't know what that meant then, or do I know what it means now. She sent me home with a book called The Everyday Psychic and a kind of crystal pendulum - I apologize for the lack of correct terminology. :( I never did get to make it back there. 

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Greetings, Miseriae.

My sympathy for your losses.

It's a rare premonition that changes any outcome.  If ever it is possible to mitigate circumstances,

I'd no sooner want to take credit for any best outcome than blame myself for what's beyond control.

0:-) MGby.

 

 

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Posted (edited)

If it is not from the poster this comment does not need any reply. 

From what you exposed I infer that the main motive which drove you writing this was talking your troubles away.

I am sure you would not need Spin Doctors doubting your alleged Paranormal abilities. And as for me I am trying not to succumb to vulgar psychology or stereotyped explanations.

All 'we' can do rather the best we can do is offering you an ear or both ears to really listen to you.

Listening to is not merely a hearing process or annalysis which has imbedded in itself 'dividing in order to understand'.

It is not a splitting process but am act of true loving. 

Besides there will be another difficulty really 'listening to you.

If the listener is not a psychic as you are, as I believe you are you may be judged differently.

So psychics do know one another.

You may even find different approaches to 'your issue'. Although I take Psychic ability as a gift and not as a disease.

Anyway radical intellectual materialistic Spin Doctor who are ignorant regarding the paranormal will confuse you more than bringing solace to your heart.

There is a whole content of bereavement in the story and there is also a psychic component.

I would have been through experiences that likens yours. Still I am not willing to disclose them in public only in private.

Internet has become a wild place websites are filled with pseudo scientists fake trolly skeptics clowns and other species alike.

 

 

Edited by Tonite T
Grammar
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Hello Miserai,

It seems that you were born with abilities that most are not in tune with, and that you had no support system in place to help you understand them, and help explain what you were experiencing and support you so that you did not feel alone and frightened. You may have started down a road of self medication that led to your addictions. Some others who you may have spoken with about your experiences may have labeled you or misdiagnosed your symptoms and given you other medications. Put together your natural born abilities that seem terrorizing,, drugs and or prescription medications, loss of  family, and throw in a good amount of fear, and dear Miserai, no wonder you are spinning.

"Knowing" things is not an illness. It is not a curse. It doesn't make you a witch. It doesn't make you a devil's child.

It does mean that you are highly sensitive and in tune to the spirit world. First and foremost....accept and love yourself. You are not crazy.

Secondly, I would encourage you to go back to the store and take classes that will help you understand your abilities without fear and prejudice. We have a New Age Center here and the classes are full because we live  in a time when many are born with or experiencing  profound spiritual development and need to talk to others like them.

Look for websites and Blogtalk Radio under "Spirituality" and learn from others who have your abilities and have learned to channel them into healthy loving pursuits.

I think you will be surprised at how many like you there are.

Avoid negative paranormal television shows and movies that are designed to instill fear. You are very sensitive and these will only disturb you.

The drugs are making things worse. Love yourself enough to stop them...you deserve a better and happier life.

If you wish, please email me at Patchlove@aol.com; I will be happy to correspond with you. I wish you the best.

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16 hours ago, Tonite T said:

If it is not from the poster this comment does not need any reply. 

From what you exposed I infer that the main motive which drove you writing this was talking your troubles away.

I am sure you would not need Spin Doctors doubting your alleged Paranormal abilities. And as for me I am trying not to succumb to vulgar psychology or stereotyped explanations.

All 'we' can do rather the best we can do is offering you an ear or both ears to really listen to you.

Listening to is not merely a hearing process or annalysis which has imbedded in itself 'dividing in order to understand'.

It is not a splitting process but am act of true loving. 

Besides there will be another difficulty really 'listening to you.

If the listener is not a psychic as you are, as I believe you are you may be judged differently.

So psychics do know one another.

You may even find different approaches to 'your issue'. Although I take Psychic ability as a gift and not as a disease.

Anyway radical intellectual materialistic Spin Doctor who are ignorant regarding the paranormal will confuse you more than bringing solace to your heart.

There is a whole content of bereavement in the story and there is also a psychic component.

I would have been through experiences that likens yours. Still I am not willing to disclose them in public only in private.

Internet has become a wild place websites are filled with pseudo scientists fake trolly skeptics clowns and other species alike.

 

 

Thank you so much for the kind, helpful words and even just for taking the time out to read my super long, overly detailed post hahaha. I'd say you're spot on when it comes to what my main motive was when writing that post. Being able to type out the things that have haunted the corners of my mind and having someone to read them and truly listen, is extremely helpful to me. And so I really am incredibly thankful to those of you who took your time to reply to this. 

 

I agree with you in that I view psychic abilities as a gift. I just spent so long telling myself that I didn't have any kinds of psychic ability and that there was just something wrong with me and I think that denial is ultimately what led me here, in search of anyone who might understand me. 

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3 hours ago, christine007 said:

Hello Miserai,

It seems that you were born with abilities that most are not in tune with, and that you had no support system in place to help you understand them, and help explain what you were experiencing and support you so that you did not feel alone and frightened. You may have started down a road of self medication that led to your addictions. Some others who you may have spoken with about your experiences may have labeled you or misdiagnosed your symptoms and given you other medications. Put together your natural born abilities that seem terrorizing,, drugs and or prescription medications, loss of  family, and throw in a good amount of fear, and dear Miserai, no wonder you are spinning.

"Knowing" things is not an illness. It is not a curse. It doesn't make you a witch. It doesn't make you a devil's child.

It does mean that you are highly sensitive and in tune to the spirit world. First and foremost....accept and love yourself. You are not crazy.

Secondly, I would encourage you to go back to the store and take classes that will help you understand your abilities without fear and prejudice. We have a New Age Center here and the classes are full because we live  in a time when many are born with or experiencing  profound spiritual development and need to talk to others like them.

Look for websites and Blogtalk Radio under "Spirituality" and learn from others who have your abilities and have learned to channel them into healthy loving pursuits.

I think you will be surprised at how many like you there are.

Avoid negative paranormal television shows and movies that are designed to instill fear. You are very sensitive and these will only disturb you.

The drugs are making things worse. Love yourself enough to stop them...you deserve a better and happier life.

If you wish, please email me at Patchlove@aol.com; I will be happy to correspond with you. I wish you the best.

Thank you for all the kind, understanding words. I think I'm going to heed your advice and go back to that store and look into the classes they offer. I definitely think finding others like me with similar experiences would ease my mind and help me in accepting myself. I might take you up on that correspondence offer, a pair of listening ears would surely be helpful. Thank you again! :)

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Psychic, Shaman, Healer, Witch, etc. There are lots of names out there.

You must have been very lonely for so long. I'm glad that you've found a store like that. I hope that you be guided well and find more people like you.

A couple of months from now, I'm going to look for someone who can help me too.

Just know that you're not alone Alexandria.

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I think the media would have the majority at large believe that abilities like yours and other abilities other people have are an evil thing. Sometimes calling them pagan in nature sometimes satanic. These stereotypes often make people feel very alone but the truth is when you get into forums like these, when you start sharing experiences with like minded people you have an epiphany because you realize wow.......there are so many people who can relate....so many people with an ability to feel or see things before they truly happen. It seems there is a scale to it ranging from and "enhanced" instinct to serious precognitive abilities. Truly though there are more open minds out there then you would believe. You are surely not alone :)

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