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Saru

Official Unified Jokes Thread

1,262 posts in this topic

Thought it might be a good idea to start a single 'official' thread for posting jokes. If you have a joke to post, feel free to post it here, one joke per post, but try to keep them clean wink2.gif

Feedback on jokes in this thread is also welcome.

I'll start us off with a famous joke which everyone's probably heard before - but here it is again anyway laugh.gif

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Feeling the need for relaxation after the events of "The Red-Headed League", Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson," he said, "look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Sleepily, Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"And what does that tell you?"

Watson pondered this a moment. "Astronomically," he said, "it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."

Taking Holmes's silence as approval, Watson continued with growing confidence, "Theologically I can see that the Lord is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."

He paused, and looked over at the Great Detective. "So, Holmes, what does it tell you?"

Holmes shook his head in disgust. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

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laugh.gif good one

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I know that one haha it's great!

By the way great idea for a thread! Now we can just have one great big thread to post jokes! thumbsup.gif

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Heres a short one:

Why do men kneel down to propose?

thinking.......... thinking.......... thinking......... thinking......

still thinking about it?

it's called surrender tongue.gif

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Here's one....

What did the blondes left leg say to the right one?

NOTHING!

The never met! laugh.gif

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What did the blonde's left leg say to the right one?

Between us we can makes some money! rofl.giflaugh.gif

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Ok here's a new well kinda new joke.

3Girls are gonna get executed for a crime.

The sheriff who's gonna shoot them says ok ladies stand in line. So girl number one gets against the wall...any last words says the sheriff? She says Wait EATHQUAKE! So they duck and she runs and escapes! Damn said the sheriff...ok next lady. So the sheriff says ok....any last words? She said look outside TORNADO!!! So the sheriff looks away and she escapes!!

Damn the sheriff said! Ok miss lets get this over with. Any last words? The blonde knew what the others did to escape...so she says..yeah FIRE!!! laugh.gif

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I was having trouble with my computer, so I called the computer guy over to my desk. He clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

And he replied, "It was an ID Ten T Error."

"What's an ID Ten T Error, in case I need to fix it again?"

He grinned. "Haven't you ever heard of an ID Ten T Error?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

I wrote: I D 1 0 T

laugh.gif *slaps knee* Wooo what a hoot!

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Ok here's a bad joke.

(hope it's ok)

Ok a man walks into a bar. He walks in with a ostrich and a cat. He asks the bartender 1beer for me. He asks ostrich what do you want? Ostrich says beer. He ask cat and you?

CAT says beer, but I'm not payin. So the man bartender says. $6.12 so the man pulls out EXACTLY $6.12.

Next day the the same thing happens again.

So one day he walks in with the ostrich and cat. Instead they all order 2beers each. So the total is $12.24 and once again the cat says IM NOT PAYNING! So the bartender asks How do you always have the exact amound when you come in?

The man says oh when my grandmother died. I got all her belongings in a will. Adn th bartender says lucky you, but how do you always have the exact total when you pay? The man says in here house she had a geenie in a bottle it granted me 3 wishes. The bartender said oh whats those wishes.

The man said A bird with long legs and a tight ***** and every time i have a buy something I'll have the exact change.

And I got 1 for 3. The others came different then I wanted....

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laugh.gif

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Here's another funny question...

OK why is it tht when you blow into your dogs face he don't like that?

But when he gets in the car he sticks his face out the window!

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laugh.gif

How to Tell the Gender of a Fly

-----------------------------------

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 Males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.

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A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.

It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy cow," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I

wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with

reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics , religion, sports,

physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants

me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational!! He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, is insightful. It even watches the footie with him!!! The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst,"

and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."

"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.

"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"

"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie….got down on his knees and began kissing her all over...."

Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Fu*kd if I know…I got an erecti*n and fell off my perch!"

blush.gif

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HAHA Love the fly one that's great! laugh.gif

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When's the best time to land on the sun?

Night time.

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Beethoven joke

------------------

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate. He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing

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OK hope this one ain't to bad...

One day the Rooster and a very clumsy ***** cat were walking. They were trying to get across town since it just stopped raining. So they had were walking quickly over a bridge before it started raining again since cats don't like to get wet. So the Rooster said hurry before it starts raining again. So they are crossing the bridge and the clumsy cat slips and falls in a puddle. So the rooster can't help, but laugh! So this story goes to prove wherever you see a wet ***** you'll find a happy c***....

laugh.gifrofl.gifclap.gif

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THIS SHOULD END ALL 3 BEAR STORIES

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!", he squeaks.

Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my Porridge?!!," he roars.

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For Christ's sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots?

It was Momma Bear who got up first, it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Momma Bear who made the coffee, it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Momma Bear who set the damn table, it was Momma Bear who put the friggin cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs, and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time.

I HAVEN'T MADE THE F- - - - - - PORRIDGE YET !!"

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Good one Mystic Mog! laugh.gif

Famous Quotes grin2.gif

---------------------------------

Every man should get married some time; after all,happiness is not the only thing in life!!

--Anonymous

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should

be happier than others.

--Oscar Wilde

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.

--Scottish Proverb

----------------------------------------------------------------------

I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for

two years.

--Sam Kinison

----------------------------------------------------------------------

A psychiatrist is a person who will give you

expensive answers that your

wife will give you for free.

--Anonymous

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Bachelors know more about women than married men;

if they didn't, they'd

be married too.

--H. L. Mencken

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Men have a better time than women; for one thing,

they marry later; for

another thing, they die earlier.

--H. L. Mencken

----------------------------------------------------------------------

- "A man without a woman is like a fish without a

bicycle."

- U2

----------------------------------------------------------------------

- Marriage is a three-ring circus:

--engagement ring

---wedding ring

---suffering

--Anonymous

---------------------------------------------------------------------

When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows

why.

When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone

wonders why.

--Anonymous

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.

--Anonymous

----------------------------------------------------------------------

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife,

you can be sure of

one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding

her way back to home always.

--Anonymous

----------------------------------------------------------------------

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our

anniversary?" She said,"Somewhere I have never been!" I told her,

"How about the kitchen?"

--Anonymous

------------------------------------------------------------------

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

--Anonymous

-------------------------------------------------------------------

My wife was in beauty saloon for two hours.

That was only for the estimate.

--Anonymous

-------------------------------------------------------------------

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then

the mud fell off.

--Anonymous

---------------------------------------------------------------------

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too

late for the garbage?"

Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in."

--Anonymous

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Badd Teddy recently explained to me why he refuses

to get to married.

He says "the wedding rings look like minature

handcuffs....."

--Anonymous

---------------------------------------------------------------------

If your dog is barking at the back door and your

wife yelling at the frontdoor, who do you let in first?

The Dog of course... at least he'll shut up after u

let him in!

--Anonymous

---------------------------------------------------------------------

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly

parted mother and started back toward his car when his attention was

diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be

praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, 'Why did u have to

die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir,

I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this

demonstration of pain in is

more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so? Deeply? A

child? A parent?"The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then

replied "My wife's first husband."

--Anonymous

----------------------------------------------------------------------

A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband

leaned over, made a wish

and threw in a penny.

The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned

over too much, fell

into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned

for a while but then

smiled " It really works ! "

--Anonymous

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A lady tells her husband to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. He walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.

They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty angry. Where the hell have you been?" "Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking girl there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her." "Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You God damn liar!!! You were playing pool again!!!"

Moral of the story:

Always tell your wife the truth. She won't believe you anyway.

At least your conscience is clear.

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Nice one AliceCoopersGirl! And further to that joke...

A husband and wife are in a car, driving through an area of countryside (with fields etc.), and have just had a MASSIVE argument which remained unresolved, so there's a "furious silence" between them and they are looking out opposite sides of the car.

The wife suddenly spots some cows in a field, and thinks about a way she can get a sarcastic remark in at her husband.

"Relatives of yours?" she points to the animals in the field and speaks in a careless tone.

"Yes," replies the husband extremely quickly, without faltering. "In-laws..."

tongue.gif

Edited by ElvisHendrx0

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haha nice one! laugh.gif

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The following is an advertisement from a real-life newspaper, which appeared

four days in a row , the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first

day's mistake.

MONDAY: For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone

948-0707 after 7 PM. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.

TUESDAY Notice: We regret having erred in R.D. Jones' ad yesterday. It

should have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask

for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M."

WEDNESDAY Notice: R.D. Jones has informed us that he has received several

annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad

yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale: R.D. Jones has one

sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 PM. and ask for Mrs.

Kelly who loves with him.

THURSDAY Notice: "I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I

smashed it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I

haven't been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my house

keeper but she quit!"

laugh.gif

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Sorry but this is kinda clean.. grin2.gif

A guy moves into an apartment complex.

He's putting his name on his mailbox when he hears a door open in the

hall.

He glances towards the door and sees a gorgeous woman dressed only in a

bathrobe come out.

He tries not to look at her as she gets her mail, but she engages him in

conversation.

As they talk she turns to look down the hall and her robe opens slightly

and he notices she is wearing only the robe.

They talk a little more, and she says, "Shhh, I think I hear somebody

coming. Could we continue this conversation in my apartment?" He agrees to

this.

As they talk in her apartment, she moves and her robe falls to the floor

and he gets a good eyeful.

She then says, "Now that you've had a good look, what do you think is the

best part of my body?"

He says, "Your ears."

She is downright speechless but finally replies, "My ears? Look at these

breasts, look at this butt, look at my *****. How can you say my ears?"

He replied, "Remember in the hall when you said you heard somebody

coming?

That was me!"

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Very clean indeed! ohmy.gifthumbsup.gif

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