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Phantom

Writing a short story.

9 posts in this topic

There was something funny about the kidnapping crime scene that Special Agent Frievald couldn't quite place, and the thought stuck with him throughout the rest of the day, like those tiny little bits of the circumferent skin from the bologna slices on a foot-long Subway Cold Cut Trio that get stuck in between the last two molars on the upper left, on the tongue side where you can't possibly reach them with a toothpick, your fingernails, or even a systematically straightened paper clip, they just sit there and make everything you eat at your next meal taste vaguely like vinegar and mayonnaise, and then somehow -- quietly but miraculously -- they disappear by themselves in the middle of the night while you're asleep, just like the visiting Countess appeared to have done.

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laugh.gif Well its descriptive!!

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Heh a witty first paragraph its great, i don't think there are limits on a speciifc firstline, but first impressions are always best, when will the full story be ready?

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Very clever, Phantom. laugh.gif

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Hope you don’t think I’m being rude, but the first paragraph is what catches the individual’s attention when they pick up a book. Or what a publisher notices. Not sure if your doing it simply for fun, or wanting to get published once it’s finished?

There’s a book called “The First 5 Pages.” I forget who wrote it - but there can’t be many books with that title - the book explains how to get noticed, and what the publishers are looking for.

And being very rude, lol, he’s your first chapter back edited, lol. Sorry couldn’t resist. Can send me an Internet slap if you wish? crying.gif

Phantom and the missing Countess

There was something funny about the kidnapping crime scene that Special Agent Frievald couldn't quite place. The thought stuck with him throughout the remainder of the day. It was like a niggling, persistent thought, swimming in the back of his subconsciousness.

Then, just after he juggled time for lunch, it hit him, while looking down at his flattened misshaped sandwich. For some reason it reminded him of those tiny little bits of the circumferential skin from the bologna slices, the ones from the foot-long Subway Cold Cut Trio, that get stuck in-between the last two molars on the upper left, that your tongue can't quite reach, having to resort to using a toothpick, which also doesn’t work, nor does your fingernail or even a systematically straightened paper clip. They just sit there and make everything you eat taste vaguely like vinegar and mayonnaise. Then somehow; quietly but miraculously; they disappear by themselves in the middle of the night - just like the visiting Countess appeared to have done.

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Did you write that or did you copy and paste it? Phantom.

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Of course he cut and pasted it… from his own computer, where he has been working on his new book. Why are some people so sceptical of others?

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laugh.gif Actually, Kryso, this has been a joke. Naughty me.

It's a cut 'n paste from a humorous site, on which the original was titled: "Bad Metaphor / Simile".

Very perceptive, Blazeboy84. thumbsup.gif

And Kryso, to be honest, your editing did make it more readable. You should consider working for a publisher.

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grin2.giflaugh.gifrolleyes.gif Lol, you got me anyway! But I’m rubbish at editing, when my books are complete I need a overhaul by my publishers editors, lol. crying.gif

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