Join the Unexplained Mysteries community today! It's free and setting up an account only takes a moment.
- Sign In or Create Account -
Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0
Tioria

A Snippet of what I am trying to accomplish

4 posts in this topic

Hidden Surprises By: Nicole L. Petersen

He walks into the house after being gone for almost two years. He has traveled all over the south and the north east coast. He has seen the lighthouses of Maine and the night- clubs of Miami and was ready to finally grab some of his old roots in Georgia. He walks into the entryway of the house, and immediately his lungs are filled with fresh cinnamon cookies coming from the oven. He retreats back to when he is a kid and remembers patiently waiting at the table for his cookie to cool off. He turns into the hallway towards the kitchen and catches a glimpse of his mother taking the cookie pan out of the oven and placing the cookies on the rack to cool. Her once blonde hair now had distinctive silver flecks rising on top of her head. The crinkles under her eyes had become more noticeable through the years, yet she had a serene look on her face and a smile in her eyes as she stared towards the table. His eyes turned towards the direction that his mother was facing and immediately caught notice of a little blonde hair boy with sparkling blue eyes wearing only a diaper, banging on the table with a large wooden spoon.

His mother spoke softly to the child. “Michael, it will be a few more minutes for your cookies.”

Bang, bang went the spoon against the wooden table as the child happily played waiting for his special treat.

“ Ok Michael here is your cookie.” As she places the cookie on the table for her grandson, she turns around and her heart stops as she sees her eldest son looking at her from around the corner.

She immediately picks up the baby and hugs him tight to her chest.

“ What are you doing here?” she looks at her son wondering what had finally brought his rambling heart home.

“I missed home, I figured it was time to come back for awhile and see what all was going on.” He walks further into the kitchen and takes a seat on the chair next to the counter.

“ Who’s the kid?” he looks at the baby’s eyes and feels a little haunted by what he sees.

“ His name is Michael and I watch him every morning and evening while his mother works.” She carries the child over to the playpen and places him inside and turns towards her eldest. “ So Kevin you decided to finally come home. Considering we haven’t been able to find you in two years and for all that we know, you could have been dead on the road somewhere. Where have you been? Don’t you know that I have been sick with worry over you, or do you still not care what your mother thinks?”

“ Look Mom, I am sorry I needed to get away and I should have called or written to tell you. I am sorry that I didn’t. I just needed to be free and not have anything going on or worry about anything. Can I stay here?” He looks at his mom pleadingly with his blue soulful eyes.

“ Of course you can stay here but you will have to be in the spare bedroom. There is someone else who lives in your room now. The little boy and his mama have been staying with me for awhile now.”

“ Ahh mom you are so charitable, you still helping out people, that is great. So is she cute?” he laughs at his little joke to his mom but notices that his mother does not look amused.

“ Why don’t you get yourself settled in? Dinner will be ready in about 2 hours.” She walks back into the kitchen and pulls out the stew beef to make stroganough.

“ Ok mom, thanks I am going to go out to the car and grab my stuff.” He turns away from the kitchen and starts towards the front door. While he is gathering his stuff he thinks to himself “Cute kid.”

His mother, Karen waits until she hears the door shuts and races to the phone and begins dialing Emily’s number. “ Emily, he’s back, you might want to come home.”

“ WHAT! He’s back today? Oh my gosh, does he know? Oh what am I going to say to him? “ Emily’s breath quickens as she begins envisioning what the conversation is going to sound like between him and her.

“I don’t think he knows but you should probably get home so you can tell him.” Her voice trembles over the line.

“ I am on my way, give me a half hour.” As she hangs up the phone she realizes that her pulse is racing and her palms begin to sweat.

She thinks to herself “I can’t believe he is back after all this time, and he doesn’t know, this isn’t how I pictured it, not at all.”

Emily throws her briefcase on top of her desk and begins shuffling papers into it. She turns her computer off and runs down the hallway in her 2-inch pumps like they were a good pair of running shoes. As she runs out the door she hollers over to the secretary about a family emergency and to hold all her calls, she would call when she was able to make it back to the office. She hops into her blue Honda accord and screeches out of the parking lot racing towards home.

“ I can’t believe he is actually here, I think I am going to be sick.” She pulls the car into the left turn lane and turns into her neighborhood. She makes the familiar left turn on Elm street then a right on Acorn then another right onto Magnolia Ave. She slows down to the corner house, 18 Magnolia and pulls into the drive noticing a Green mustang parked outside. She opens the car door and catches her reflection in the rearview mirror. “Here goes nothing.” She shuts the door and walks up to the house. Her hands began to tremble as she turns the knob on the front door.

“ Emily? Is that you? How did you know I was here? Mom called you didn’t she? That doesn’t surprise me at all. I am so glad to see you.” He whisks her up in a giant bear hug and kisses her on her forehead.

Emily’s skin begins to tingle all over and thinks back to the last time that they were together before he left town.

“Mama, mama” the little child toddles over to his mom and holds his chubby fingers smeared with cookies up to her.

Kevin puts Emily down and looks at her questioningly. “Is this your son? What? When? I am so lost.” He chuckles slightly and pulls her close and rubs her shoulders. “Wow, congratulations that is awesome Hun.” He looks to her left hand and doesn’t notice a wedding band. “ Where is his dad?”

Emily picks the baby up and hugs him tight to her chest and tells the small boy to go back in the kitchen. She notices Karen in the background and nods to her to pick up the child and go into the other room. “Kevin, we need to talk.” She grabs his strong, weathered hand and pulls him over to the couch in the living room. “ There is so much to tell you but I am not sure how to start.” She begins twirling her hair nervously.

“What is it Em? You know that what ever it is I am here for you. We have been best friends since we could walk.” He squeezes her hand and smiles gently at her.

“Ok here goes, we, your mother and I have tried to reach you for over a year now, with no luck I might add. The night before you left when we spent the night together. Do you remember?” She looks at him and all of those thoughts came flooding back to her.

“Of course I remember Em. It was one of the best nights of my life. I just, I needed to get away, to grow up and experience the world.”

“Well while you were experiencing the world, I was experiencing the miracle of life. Kevin that baby in there, the little boy you asked where his dad is. Well his dad just got home.”

“What? What are you talking about? Where has he been?”

“I don’t know where he’s been, he hasn’t told me. So where have you been?”

He jerks his hand out of hers and stands up and looks down at her. “You mean, that, I, he, the child in there, is mine?”

“Yes, Kevin, that precious little boy in there is your son.”

Kevin stared hard at Emily trying to understand what she was telling him.

“Em, why didn’t you guys find me and tell me, my god I would have been here if I had only known.”

“I know Kevin and we did try and find you but we couldn’t locate you, you didn’t leave a forwarding address or anything. How were we supposed to know how to reach you?”

Emily stood up and crossed over to the salt-water fish tank, gazing into the glass she could see his reflection.

“Besides I didn’t think you wanted to be found, especially with this news. For you to find out that we had a child together, I wasn’t sure that I could handle the reaction that you would give me.”

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Well here goes... dontgetit.gif

It’s an easy read, It flows very well. You have an ability in describing what happens after a person talks. But I feel the conversations are a little flat. I’m not sure if that’s the best way of describing them… Umm, I will try again.

The conversation is the main part that the person reads, the after section, which describes how…

For example –

“I need this time on my own,” Jim said, as he kept his eyes downcast, not being able to look her directly in her tear streaked face.

The words spoken portray the situation. The after section, announces how the person is standing, feeling, etcetera.

Your description of the different situations is deep and informative - and I know people don’t really like criticism, but any criticism is good.

Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed the section you posted, and would willing read more. But as I was reading through it felt flat. The situation is a life changing point, in these people lives.

Example:

She immediately picks up the baby and hugs him tight to her chest.

“ What are you doing here?” she looks at her son wondering what had finally brought his rambling heart home.

She immediately picks up the baby and hugs him tight to her body. So close she could smell the milk on his breath.

“What… wha…” Her words caught in her chest. Her eyes quickly darting around her own kitchen, as if she had been transplanted somewhere alien. “What are you doing here? When?” But words fail her. She once again stares at her son, wondering what has finally brought his rambling heart home. And now worried what the next turn of events would bring.

The more information that can be places in the context of the situation (not to much, you don’t want the person to forget what the situation is). But this is a pivotal part in the story.

The mother hasn’t seen her son in years. And she’s worries and frightened about how he will react.

When you wrote - “ What are you doing here?” – it sounds like she has simply had an argument with a neighbour, and that person has just popped into her kitchen and asked for a cup of sugar!

Don’t get me wrong, You’re a good writer, and it takes courage to ask a stranger their opinion. I myself posted 6 chapters of a book I wrote, and can be viewed on this same Forum. (Get your revenge and post a remark, lol)

Also you have to remember, when you ask peoples opinions, they will be very varied. I have remark on your work with reference to how I write, which is different from yourself. So please don’t take this the wrong way. You defiantly have the ability and skill to go a very long way.

Do you wish to be published one day, or is this a hobby of yours?

And please, I hope I haven’t offended you in anyway. I could just shout “amazing” from the rooftops, but that sort of reply wasn’t what you were looking for. Was it? Trust me, publishers are like rabid dogs, they rip a manuscript - that you have taken years to write - to shreds. crying.gif

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

No I am not offended at all hun. Your critique was what I was hoping to get from people. I would love to be published one day but I know it will take some time. I recently recieved an editor's choice award for my poetry so I was very excited. Thank you for your help and I will revise and rework the dtory. I have several going at the time.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.