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saxcatz

The Post Your Fake Credentials Thread...

14 posts in this topic

Although I question none of the credentials presented by any of the self-proclaimed experts on this site, I figured it would be enlightening for those of us here with opinions and experience to share them with others... and back up those opinions with our *cough... FAKE... cough* credentials.

The Sax Cat:

Born January 13, 1981 (just sounds like a cool date; doesn't it?)

Showed an unusual aptitude for psychic communication and was enrolled in US Government gifted programs at the age of 4.

Graduated from top secret US government programs at the age of 8, and was slipped quietly into public elementary school.

Advanced rapidly, and graduated from HS in Dayton, OH at the age of 14.

Enrolled in Psychology program at Stanford at age of 15 and graduated 3 years later.

Completed Doctoral Psychology courses at Stanford by the age of 21.

Was hired by the CIA and FBI to track instances of alien abductions in the United States.

Slept with Paris Hilton, Michael Bolton, Julia Roberts, Cindy Crawford, and dozens of others.

Was the real mind behind Peter Jackson's great retelling of the Lord of the Rings trilogy.

I am the most brilliant man in the known world. *BONK*

rolleyes.gifrolleyes.gifrolleyes.gif

Now that we're done with the meaningless dribble, I will share with you my real credentials that I am willing to share... and explain why I am not willing to share some.

The Sax Cat (I still will not share my real name... since once I did and the person showed up at my door a few weeks later...)

Born July, 1982.

Graduated from HS in Dayton, OH shortly before my 17th birthday.

Enrolled in school at Sinclair College and graduated with an Associates of Science in 5 tri-mesters (between 3 and 4 semesters for those of you acquainted with the semester system.)

Moved to Arizona and married the same year.

Completed my BS in computer science at the University of Arizona in 3 semesters.

Currently work as a game programmer...

Member of Mensa (though I don't really care... but apparantly this is a good credential)

And you know what...

NONE of this makes my opinions and beliefs any more credible than anyone elses' on this site.

And I won't call you ignorant or "bonk" you if you say "toe-mato" and I say "ta-mato."

rolleyes.gif

thumbsup.gif

:My apologies to forum moderators in advance... I promise to refrain from this type of behavoir in the future. I just thought it might be acceptable for members of this forum to have an avenue to post thier credentials and "Credifiy" thier opinions for those that believe that one must be well-educated and experienced to judge a smudge on a photo... Again, my apologies Phantom and Saruman.:

Edit:

Decided only to remove the word "official" from the title and remove the subtitle of the thread alltogether.

Edited by Phantom

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I think this was the best post I have read in a couple of days.... Sarcastic as all hell, but still.......... wink2.gifwhistling2.gifthumbsup.gifhuh.gif

Reese

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I think this was the best post I have read in a couple of days.... Sarcastic as all hell, but still.......... wink2.gifwhistling2.gifthumbsup.gifhuh.gif

Reese

Thanks Reese... I did my best. grin2.gif

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hmm...since the mods seem to have let it slide, hey, I might as well post my own criminally exagerated qualifications also grin2.gif

Real name: Little Washu

occupation: Mad Scientist (greatest in the universe dontcha know?)

Age: Well, after that minor accident with those nuclear fusion missiles that destroyed half a galaxy, is was imprissoned in suspended animation for a few millenia...so I guess you could say 20'000 or so.

IQ: Higher than my age tongue.gif

Career Highlights:

-Believe it or not, 90% of alien sightings are the work of my incredibly advanced spy drones

- After extensive use of crack, I have in fact had long, intelligent conversations with bigfoot.

- My great, great, great grandfather was dracula.

- There are rumours, that I have yet to confirm (I'm too busy preventing demonic incursions into our material plane) that I am a direct decendant of Jesus.

- Using my amazing, genetically enhanced vision, I can see pictures in the gravy staines on dinner plates. Really, it's true! These pictures are of bigfoot...if you say I'm wrong, then I'll bite you.

Ah...I feel refreshed tongue.gif

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After extensive use of crack, I have in fact had long, intelligent conversations with bigfoot.

Very funny Sera....... wink2.giflaugh.giflaugh.gif

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As soon as I was born, I could speak in full sentences. By the age of three I was editing my cousin's university theses (he really had no idea about advanced trigonometry and it's applications to the star HD 168746. He really was a dolt).

When I was in second grade it was discovered that I could read at a level unmatched by any one in the world, so I was skipped ahead to university. I went to law school for a while, and after I got my degree in that I started my own firm. When I was 10 I grew bored with my practice, so I decided to go to dentistry school. After I received my degree in that, I went to study psychology. Psychology bored me, so after I received my degree in it I went to study Anthropology. Anthro wasn't what I expected to be, so after I received my degree in it, I decided to be a family pysician. I had my licence to be a psycian when I was 15, and then decided to follow my life's passion.

I wanted to be a parapsychologist. I have been focusing all of my energies on that since, (I am 20 now). I have spoken to many famous ghosts, such as Elvis (he's gone, accept it), Lady Di, and Jerry Springer. Maybe sometime I will tell you all about my adventures. Not now, even I'm getting bored writing this drivel.

And now here I am sharing my unique viewpoints with stupid people such as yourself. HA! Now where have my meds gone? uppydown.gif

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Slept with Paris Hilton

Who hasn't, Sax??!!

Well, I'm 23 yrs old(again). My real name is Christmas Jones, and I'm a nuclear physicist. I've had extensive plastic surgery in order to make myself LESS attractive (see gallery photo) because the attention my phenominal looks garnered was disruptive and caused riots and vehicle accidents ALL the time. After several government agencies tapped my skills for undercover assasinations, I retired to a tropical paradise where I regularly "entertain" handsome mutes.

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Name: Jimmy Bob Jonesy Balogna the 400th and a 1/3rd

I was born in raised in a small town called Silent Hill. After a strange cult began to take hold there my family relocated to Colorado Springs. In middle school I got to go visit my grandfather at his theme park on a remote island by Costa Rica, called Isla Nublar. There I survived the Jurassic Park incident (you really thought it was fictional? grin2.gif ).

After I finished high school I went into the Air Force academy. There I got a degree in astro physics, meta physics, metaphysics, and any other physics you can name. Later on I flew A-10 Warthogs in the Persian Gulf, and single handedly took out 125,000 Iraqi tanks. Later I transfered to flying F-16s and helped eliminate the martian invasion of the antartic in 1999. Now I sit back in a nice comfy leather chair, stair at a computer screen, and drink coffee while communicating with the undead through my hair folicles, and the cuticles of my fingers.

Real stats:

Name: Jay, and thats all anyone needs to know.

Occupation: Student/looking for a part time job

I graduated highschool in 2002, and I've been attending Portland Community College sincet then. I'm currently in my second year there. I've taken all my required writing and math courses so far, and I'm still trying to decide what to major in. This coming term I'm taking, Philosophy of Religion, Creative Writing, History 101, and Mass Media and Society (basically intro to journalism). If I enjoy the Mass media class, I plan on looking into journalism as a career, or perhaps photo journalism since I highly enjoy photography as a hobby. Later I may take some music courses as well to improve my musical abilities and perhaps become a part time guitar intstructor.

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Name: George Rothchild (mary at weekends)

Age: 21

Sex: only if i can scrape enough money together to pay for it

Occupation:Channel Surfer

Bio: The lovechild of Rothchild (that NWO freak) and margret thatcher, stolen at birth by soviet KGB Agents. And ransomed to the US government for 1 million dollars. The US government declined the offer and told them to **** offski. Adopted by Josef stalins handmaiden (and faithful mistress) and given the name Dimitri Greigovich Sergi Ouromov to fit into Soviet society. Could not afford to go to school so i peddled my ass to local russian sailors for 10 rubels a go. at age 15 i was kidnapped by the american authoritys, in a SAS style snatch and grab operation called "Operation Rump Pincher". After handed back to rothchild he then knighted me a "Knight Of Malta" and given the official title "Lord of the Royal Privy". At age 20 i was given the task of destroying all toilets in modern society, when the NWO take control, with no toilets the populous of the world would soon fall to its knees (and full bladders). Currently reciding in Rothchilds luxury mansion, eating cakes and watching the pay per view "adult" channels.

Qualifications: 50 metres swimming backstroke.

Real name: (like hell i'm gonna tell ya)

Age: 21

Real Bio: Take out everything above except for "eating Cakes"

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Well written and good for a laugh...

Thanks! grin2.gif

Edited by Magikman

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At the age of 12 (in July 2nd 1947) I was supposedly found wandering in the midday heat, in an isolated part of New Mexico. I was naked apart from a silver piece of cloth that covered my groined area. My head was bold, and for some reason I was told later, that my eyes were over sensitive to the sun! The couple that found me took me as their own, thinking it was a prayer answered. Even though I was 12, I made strange sounds, that didn’t correspond to any sounds a child would make. But I quickly picked up words, and within weeks, was fluent in English, even at such a young age.

Knowing something was different about me, mainly because I could predict actions before there time. My adopted parents sent a section of the cloth away, that I was found wearing, trying to gain answers, without drawing attention to themselves or me, there new son! But this action drew unwanted attention, from people in high places. Because even though my new parents knew about a crash on the same day - in the same area - they still wished to ignore the possibility of what I could be!

In the night their home was surrounded. The first they knew of this was when the blazing halogen lights flared to life, illuminating the night like an unnatural day! Men smashed down the simple doors, and proceeded to search for me, wearing bio-contamination suits. I was placed into a pod, and carried to an awaiting helicopter, and whisked off to a new secret underground research bunker, way of in the desert.

My days became boring and routine – mornings was skin grafts and chemical tests, afternoons was mental tests, and puzzle solving. This went on for more years than I can remember – or want to remember! Just as I became friendly to the scientists, or other lab workers, they would be pulled off the team, and I wouldn’t see them again.

I didn’t see sunlight for years. Never taken out of my collection of rooms. No windows, no doors, apart from the one huge steel double door, that they took me out of everyday, strapped to the steel gunnery table. Each night (I presumed it was night, because I had no clocks or way of telling) I fell asleep in pain of what they had done to me that day.

But as the years passed, I changed. New gifts (they called them). I could move objects with my mind; kindle fires with nothing but a thought. Then came the day when I could actually read the minds of those working on me. I then learnt my true existence. I was not indigenous to this planet! But arrived on July 2nd 1947, then the craft that was carrying me - and six others - crashed into the baking desert of New Mexico! The other I found (from reading their minds) was like me. But how I ended up miles away from the crash site, and why I was unharmed, and human in appearance, baffled them? They believed I had been ejected by a small pod that the people who found me didn’t see. And that the others in the crashed ship had swollen heads, and grotesque eyes due to the rupture of their vehicles plasma cells, which instantly mixed lethal radiation with their alien cells, creating a strange looking corpse. What I had become was testament to how they should have appeared, almost human. Yes looking in a mirror, my eyes are slightly oval, giving me an oriental appearance, nothing more. And I’m slightly tall, and thin, but not overly so!

I now knew the truth, and knew what I was capable of.

One night I sat staring at the steel door, bending it with my complete mind. Sirens echoed throughout the complex, and footsteps could be heard ringing along the steel corridors outside. Then the thick door ruptured, I used my mind to push the blasted steel along the oval corridor, forcing it like a bomb blast. I walked between twisted, pain-entangled bodies, which called out to me for help. Did they help me as other took another long strip of skin from my arm, or thigh? No! I made my way like this throughout the complex, meeting army personnel at every corner. They tried many different tactics, but none prevailed. I was unstoppable. They even sent Dr. Hormen, the team leader, who had been assigned to me for years. He stood in the middle of the corridor, confident that he was safe. I can still hear the noise his head made as it popped like a ripe melon. The image of him pushing countless needles into my body was at the forefront of my mind as his cranial contents dribbled down the steel walls.

Before long I was miles away, walking along the baking desert ground. Sirens still echoing off in the distance. Some even came after me, they didn’t last long! There was nothing around, a huge dry lakebed, and for some reason a black mailbox, right in the middle of nowhere?

But that’s all I the past. I now blend in perfectly with humanity, looking hardly any different. I like down in Mexico now, because to them I look like any other American. If only they knew. The only problem I get now is still being able to hear all the voices echoing in my head, still trying to learn to shut them all out. I am now writing a book about it all. Of course it will be classed as fantasy - a good read. To those who read it, its just another story, how are they to know its all true!

I sit on my roof at night and look towards the heavens. Many say they have seen UFO’s; I have not, even though I try. Do they know I’m even here? Will they one day come for me? Are all the sightings them looking for me? One day I hope I will know the answers! crying.gif

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gah, people need to paragraph, my eyes are gonna explode:) w00t.gif

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Umm...I know someone, who knows someone who has a GED. blink.gif

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After I graduated from princeton with a degree in looking at photos and instantly concluding that they were photoshopped, i got a job working as a consultant with Closed-Minded Skeptic Industries. I made a lot of money, because i knew that every single photo I saw was fake, without even thinking about it. I left that job after 3 years because I took a higher paying position with Gullible Moron Enterprises. My new job was like the old one, except the exact opposite. When ever someone showed me a photo, without thinking about it, I said "wow it's really bigfoot!" even if it just looked like it could have been the trunk of a tree. I retired from that job, and now i spend most of my time fishing and drinking beer. It's nice to know all of you are as equally qualified as myself.

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