crosis Posted July 11, 2002 #1 Share Posted July 11, 2002 Just a few more funnies i got mailed today(Highly edited i might add). These are extracts from actual letters sent to various councils and Housing associations throughout the UK: 1. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off. 2. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage. 3. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence. 4. I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was that bad wind the other night that blew them off. 5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall. 6. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path, my wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant? 7. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy. 8. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath **************************************************************************** ************************* Michael was in the hospital, near death, so the family sent for his best friend Robert. As Robert stood beside the bed, Michael's frail condition grew worse, and he motioned frantically for something to write on. Robert lovingly handed him a pen and piece of paper, and Michael used his last ounce of strength to scribble a note. Then he died. Robert thought it best not to look at the note just then, so he slipped it into his jacket pocket. Several days later, at the funeral, Robert was visting Michael's family. He realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he'd worn the day Michael died. "You know," he said, "Michael handed me a note just before he died. I haven't read it, but knowing Michael, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all. " He unfolded the note and read aloud, "You're standing on my oxygen tube!" **************************************************************************** ************************* A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932, the depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37." "WOW !!! That's great. What happened next", said the young man. "Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars.", said the old man **************************************************************************** *********************** Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crosis Posted July 11, 2002 Author #2 Share Posted July 11, 2002 Dear Employees: It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating wiith co-workers. Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees. TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late. INSTEAD OF: And when the **** do you expect me to do this? -------------------- TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible. INSTEAD OF: No ****ing way. -------------------- TRY SAYING: Really? INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh***ing me! -------------------- TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with... INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a ****. -------------------- TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project. INSTEAD OF: It's not my ****ing problem. -------------------- TRY SAYING: That's interesting. INSTEAD OF: What the ****? -------------------- TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented. INSTEAD OF: This **** won't work. -------------------- TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues. INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass. -------------------- TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir? INSTEAD OF: Eat **** and die. -------------------- TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it? INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass. -------------------- TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment. INSTEAD OF: **** it, I'm on salary. -------------------- TRY SAYING: I love a challenge. INSTEAD OF: This job sucks. -------------------- TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that? INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss? -------------------- TRY SAYING: I see. INSTEAD OF: Blow me. -------------------- TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive. INSTEAD OF: He's a pr**k. -------------------- TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training. INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the **** you're doing. -------------------- Thank You, Human Resources **************************************************************************** ********************* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kira Posted July 11, 2002 #3 Share Posted July 11, 2002 :s2 :s2 :s2 :s2 :s2 :s2 :s2 :s2 :s2 :s2 :s2 :s2 :s2 :s2 Very funny another to print off and take to work thanx crosis Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Loonboy Posted July 11, 2002 #4 Share Posted July 11, 2002 [blue]The story with the apples had me in bulk.[/blue] :s2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SpaceyKC Posted July 12, 2002 #5 Share Posted July 12, 2002 I liked the 'management memo'! :s2 :s2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dakoda Posted July 12, 2002 #6 Share Posted July 12, 2002 :s2I second that KC:s2 TRY SAYING: Really? INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh***ing me! (<---I say that one a lot myself) :s2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Homer Posted July 12, 2002 #7 Share Posted July 12, 2002 :s2 very funny :s2 I like the managements memo also As far as the rich guy goes, provided he didn't need to live off his apple money for the first week, he would be the richest person in the world just by doubling his money each day for the month. But I don't mean to ruin the humor, and it is very funny ;D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Halo_Jones Posted July 12, 2002 #8 Share Posted July 12, 2002 :s2Thank you, they really made me laugh out loud. Only I burnt the inside of my nose as I was drinking HOT Tea at the time, and it shot out mt nose while laughing :s07 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kira Posted July 12, 2002 #9 Share Posted July 12, 2002 : Halo? U ok........? Can I just point out something.................................. u r not supposed to snort tea ;D :s01 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Halo_Jones Posted July 12, 2002 #10 Share Posted July 12, 2002 Yes I realise that NOW :s2 And I just need to sayOUCH Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kira Posted July 12, 2002 #11 Share Posted July 12, 2002 :s2 :s2 :s2 :s2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cerberus Posted August 26, 2002 #12 Share Posted August 26, 2002 try www.b3ta.com/buffyswear/ its great if your stressed out! here is an animation website.takes a few minutes to load..be patient! it's nuts! just watch! www.verylowsodium.com/fanimutation/dash.swf and finally... recreate your very own cyber town a la star trek! www.citycreator.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cerberus Posted August 27, 2002 #13 Share Posted August 27, 2002 try this link for some great tips on how to cook your favourite aliens.... www.users.bigpond.net.au/wanglese/alien_recipes.html#types Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cerberus Posted August 28, 2002 #14 Share Posted August 28, 2002 for the chance to arm wrestle freud.... try www.matazone.co.uk/arm_wrestling_freud.html Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cerberus Posted September 4, 2002 #15 Share Posted September 4, 2002 try www.crashbonsai.com/index.html Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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