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  1. Simbi Laveau
    Latest Entry

    Hey UMers. 

    I am just coming off a 5 day stint in the hospital. 

    It was actually life threatening due to blood loss. 

    Long story but, I was basically bleeding into my abdomen. 

    2 vessels were torn. 

    They kept bleeding until my abdomen couldn't take on any more fluids. That actually stopped the bleeding to a degree , or I'd have died almost immediately. 

    So.... Stubborn that I am, I refused surgery and a blood transfusion. Surgery.. Yeah no. 

    Nnnooppeee.. 

    I had a friend bring me Chinese herbs the next morning. They stop bleeding cold. 

    That seemed to help, but I was eating up IV fluids, and when they drew blood, it was taking on the consistency of red watercolor paint. 

    I had very few red blood cells left, which made breathing difficult, and I was coming close to probably coding and or greatly infarcting my heart muscle. 

    They had a procedure to stop the bleeding as well. Not surgery... Duh, but as weak as I was,, it was impossible to do. 

    Yyeeaaahhh, so I had to give in and agree to a transfusion. 

    I got like 4 bags of packed cells. Maybe more. I was kind of out of it by then. 

    So, long story short, I had the PROCEDURE Sunday , and I'm out of the hospital today , in my bed, drinking tea. 

    They wanted to keep me 2 more days, and well, HELL NO. 

    I'm very pale, weak, but I have the herbs for that now. 

    I will be ok.... I.... think. 

    But, in short, I'd love to thank all the people that donate blood. 

    Without you, a lot of people would die. 

    I'd donate, but I'm too anemic. 

    I'm on the bone marrow donor list however. 

    Xxoo

     

     

     

  2.  

     

    Nietzsche and Thus Spoke Zarathustra: The Last Man and The Superman

     

  3. Ruby04
    Latest Entry

    As first time parents, we understand the excitement of a baby on the way and when baby does arrive. 

    However we do ask that people respect that we will give any news when there is news and we are ready to give it. 

    Our baby is NOT going to have face photos online. 

    We are the parents, we will have our own way of raising baby. 

    We appreciate advice and help, however please understand if we don’t take your advice or help it’s nothing personal it’s we are doing things our way. 

    There are people we will ask if we want advice, thankyou thou. 

    Thankyou 

  4. Encountering Giants
    By Paul Dale Roberts, HPI's Esoteric Detective
    Halo Paranormal Investigations
    www.cryptic916.com/
    Sacramento Paranormal Help
    www.facebook.com/HaloParanormalInvestigations/
    Email: jazmaonline@gmail.com
    Sacramento Paranormal Haunted Hotline: 916 203 7503

    <a href=53918297-10211542622675878-5787618518992158720-o" style="width: 250px;height: 250px" border="0">

    "There were giants upon the Earth in those days" - Genesis 6.4

    3/16/2019 - Time: 13:02 Hours.  Received call on the paranormal hotline.  Stanley McRice from Vermont says that he and his wife Leanna are vacationing in Maryland and were visiting an area of Antietam Creek.  Stanley and his wife all of a sudden felt like they were moving very slow and the atmosphere seemed to change.  From what they saw were once blue skies, now turned instantly cloudy and the surrounding landscape seemed to have an orange tint.  Stanley and Leanna all of a sudden heard loud noises, they heard screaming, yelling, unrecognizable loud words.  Some of the screaming was blood curdling.  Stanley and his wife then saw moving shadows and the shadows became clearer.  They saw what looked like Native American Indians fighting another group of Native American Indians.  The fight was a blood bath.  They also saw what appeared to be Native American Indians that were anywhere from 9 feet tall to 12 feet tall engaged in the battle.  Stanley could not believe what he was seeing and at the first sight of it, thought it was some kind of re-enactment by actors.  As Stanley and Leanna watched the battle, the battle sort of started getting out of focus and the battle finally vanished.  Stanley and Leanna were dumbfounded and on this Saturday evening consulted with a local historian.  The local historian said that they were in an area where a major battle did take place between the Catawbas and the Delawares.  Also, legend would have it that there were at one time giants living in this area.  These giants were mostly 9 feet tall.

    When Deanna Jaxine Stinson - psychic medium was in Charleston, South Carolina, she envisioned a giant.  Deanna as a child was abducted by a UFO and at times can psychically uncloak UFOs (believe me, I am a witness to this).  Deanna has a strong paranormal connection.  During her visit to South Carolina she was watching the North Star. As she watched the North Star, it magically became a crown and she saw a giant communicating with the gods through mental thought waves.  This giant also wore the North Star crown.  Deanna felt that this giant, that I will call the North Star Giant King had an Egyptian connection.  On this same night in South Carolina, we witnessed a small meteor shower.

    If you look through historical newspapers, ancient scrolls, cave drawings, hieroglyphics, there is writings about giants in every culture.  Angels, gods, extraterrestrials found human women attractive and they would have sex with these lovely females.  The females that were seduced by these extraterrestrials would give birth to giants.  When these giants dominated the Earth and sin was at an all time high, it was decided by a higher power to destroy these monstrosities with a flood.  There is mention of a flood in all cultures throughout the world.  Institutions like the Smithsonian try to hide these truths.  Many giant skeletons have been delivered to the Smithsonian and those skeletons disappear from history and never have a chance to be examined by normal citizens.  It is said that the Vatican is also hiding the bones of giants and that they are even hiding the skulls of extraterrestrials, skulls that are elongated.

    When you travel through certain areas of the US, you may see huge earth works, huge mounds.  Ask the local Indians if they built those mounds and they do not take the credit for the mounds, they blame it on the mound builders.  The mound builders are the giants, the hybrids who are half human and half extraterrestrial.  The mound builders are credited for building these mounds and clearing wide swaths in the forest.

    Giants in mankind's history can be found everywhere.  There are even stories of giants that lived in the coastal regions of California.  Remains were found on the islands of the Santa Barbara Channels.  A 9 foot tall mummified giant was found in California during the 1800s and then it mysteriously disappeared.  Did the government confiscate this mummified giant and if they did for what reason?  Why does the Smithsonian Institute want to keep the stories of giants hidden from us?  The Lenni Lenape giants were discovered in New York State, Long Island and Staten Island.  Lenni Lenape is translated as "the real people".  While the Lenni Lenape giants were anywhere from 7 to 9 feet tall, they would come into contact with their ancestor race of the Allegheny or Alligewi People who were even taller.  The Allegheny were known to be 10 to 15 feet tall.  Yes, this is a race with a greater stature than the Lenni Lenape.  Some of these giants had regular human like heads, while some giants had elongated skulls.  When regular sized people saw the Lenni Lenape, they were probably in awe.  When the Lenni Lenape came upon the Allegheny, they must have been in awe too.  I remember as a child seeing my brother Andy Somprise Soyo and I was in awe at his height of 6'4".  Then I met my Uncle Fidencio "Chuy" Villalobos who stood at the height of 6'6".  Chuy in his own right is a giant.  Does Chuy have alien DNA which has caused this unusual height?  It would seem that people with extraordinary height become very proficient in sports.  Some became great basketball stars.  My uncle Chuy became a professional wrestler with Pepper Gomez.  Chuy was also a Golden Glove Boxer and had a black belt in Karate.

    Giants were known to create mammoth structures.  The mound builders built a stone wall 8 miles long and the hilltop reached Mount Carbon - which is 4 miles east of Montgomery overlooking Kanawha River.  To build this wall, the heavy stones were loosely placed together without mortar or cement.  This wall was an incredible accomplishment.

    When Deanna lived in Wisconsin, she came upon many mounds.  It is said that Wisconsin was the "effigy mounds capitol of the world".  When Deanna would walk near these mounds, she felt a feeling of dread and as she continued to walk these mounds, she felt extreme depression.  Perhaps she felt this because the giants would be targeted and set for extermination via the flood.  Some of the mounds in Wisconsin are in the shape of a panther, turtle, mink and a variety of birds.  Around Dells in Kilbourn, Wisconsin there was a discovery of a 200 foot long giant lizard mound.  Giants are marked in our history and are permanently ingrained in our minds.  Why?  Because they existed and no matter how much you cover up the fact, the truth is out there and will remain out there forever.

  5.  

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    Hate is the very breath of hell

    September 12—Holy Hour. “Don’t you think that if you were to spend this entire hour of adoration repeating the words, ‘Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven,’ you would not be wasting your time? For My will is all love. It is out of love that you ask Me for it, and when the sum of all the love on earth is greater than the sum of hate, that will be a step forward. Hate is not from heaven. Hate is the very breath of hell.

    Bossis, Gabrielle. He and I (Kindle Locations 2365-2368).
    Pauline Books and Media. Kindle Edition.

    Hatred is a void that is always hungry, grasping, seeking, but in a way that leads to a cold isolation that can become an eternal prison.  True hatred reduces everything/everyone/God, to an enemy that must be destroyed or enslaved.  It causes the heart to let go of its true humanity, which can only be fulfilled in deepening ones capacity to love, not in reducing it. 

    The will of Christ Jesus, a revelation of the Father, is ‘all love’, openness, compassion, mercy and understanding.  The love of God sees into the depths of each soul, it is the domain of God only, this inner life of each human being.  Hatred wishes to deny that, to reduce all that is not ‘it’, to not having the right to exist at all, but an obstacle to the desire to rule over all, or to destroy all. 

    Since at the center of hatred there is only blind hunger for what it cannot have, it will eventually feed off of itself, desiring nothing else.  Such is the tragedy of hell.

    Each day we choose our road.  Yes, this freedom, which grows and expands every day is our glory as well as a heavy burden.  Yet, we are ‘seen’ truly by God, in that is our hope, for there is always mercy, and a return to the path that leads to life……as long as there is life, it is never too late to begin again, and again, and again.—Br.MD



  6. Princess Diary

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    My daughter is preparing for a trip to San Diego and texted me earlier today. My little ray of sunshine wrote:

    “I would not want to go anywhere. I hate it out there. I would rather be at the outlet mall with grandma or inside. My dad already tried talking us into moving there four times already and it’s not happening.

    I hate sand… it’s dusty all over Old San Diego and all those people have big mouths.

    I just want the zoo, thrift stores, and raccoons. I’m lame okay?

    I like the beach kinda but it made me cry with fear when Geoff and dad took the kids to the tide pools. I almost flipped with anxiety.

    I already upped my pills for the trip so hopefully, it helps me relax and not be so uptight.”

    (Good luck with that).

    The sand part of the rant reminded me of the infamous Annikan Skywalker sand monologue.

    For some reason, sand in my mind’s eye turned to a sea of glass and it reminded me of a goofy thought I had this morning while making coffee. I thought, “What a great day! How wonderful to be here, and the world and everything in it is still here today and didn’t get destroyed by nuclear war last night.” Jeeze! It was like something my grandma would have said back in the 70s.

    Then I had this weird feeling that it really was that close sometimes, that the world almost didn’t exist right here and now. This other inkling nagged at me that maybe something did happen out there last night that we just don’t know about or it happened long ago in another timeline or dimension… maybe it happened many times in many timelines or dimensions. Maybe it’s the Mandella Effect.

  7. Tiggs
    Latest Entry

     

    Sinclair-ZX81.thumb.png.a8f3649ba5b82f4acf3c3fe408573796.png

    Picture by Evan-Amos - Own work, CC BY-SA 3.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=18300824


    ^^ This is the first computer I learned to program on.

    This bad boy * taps roof * can hold 1,024 bytes.

    A FULL 1k of memory. And a tape drive to load and save it on.

  8. The Rite Of The Monkey Cat Sleeve

     

    What you'll need.

    - Coffee (Strong with milk and two sugar)

    - Shatter (2 grams one indica one sativa, plus rig to smoke it)

    - Music ( Works best with Jpop or some Marilyn Manson set to loud)

    these three are whats needed to call me forth from the void.

    The method?

    Place the Coffee on a table next to dab rig and shatter as music plays loud say aloud three times.

    "I am a Cat meow meow meow I want a Sith lord now now now!"

    then strip off and run in circles making funny noises for approx 30 mins.

    repeat till I appear.

    Should be done in a dark small room at around midnight your time

    Enjoy.

     

  9. I remember, in the early nineties, at the height of the animosity between The Sun and The Prodigy, they featured a story revealing how, just a few months before the band was formed, Keith Flint had been a meek, mild-mannered public schoolboy -- as opposed to the sneering, leering punk-god that he appeared on stage. They intended it to be a death-blow revelation. But collectively, we dance music fans -- simply shrugged. The nihilistic power of the Prodigy was not something that could be faked or cheaply appropriated. Keith Flint made more of an impression just by scoffing than the KLF did by burning a million quid.

    As a scampy twenty-something (when I wasn't selling out by going to work), there was one main way I could be identified: I always wore a Prodigy T-Shirt. The scuttling crab of Fat of the Land, the screaming T-1000 head of Music for a Jilted Generation, an 'Experience' vest. The Prodigy had an angry, uncompromising ethos that otherwise could only have been found in right wing politics. In dance music terms, they were Orbital drained of every single ounce of romanticism. They were a version of Chemical Brothers specially designed for twenty-somethings about to fight in an Omaha Beach-style class war, scalping their enemies and cooking grenades to within a split second. 

    Also, let's not forget that they were skilled, hard-working musicians. Look at their contemporaries: no one's going to deny that Leftfield, or Goldie, or Fatboy Slim are dance music heroes. But let's face the truth, their albums are _full_ of lazily-written filler tracks that are really just a single bloke messing with the tempo of his John Shuttleworth keyboard.  Each Prodigy record is practically an orchestral, ultra-dark concept album. The concept? Antiheroes stalking each other on an apocalyptic battlefield. Certainly there were moments of beauty or Rasta-style irreverence, especially in 'Experience', but then you were never going to forget that this was the type of music _Darth Maul_ probably listened to. The type of  music Tyler Durden listened to (and I refer you to the Fight Club soundtrack album -- emulating Prodigy as Gobots emulate Transformers).

     And so, I would say, 'Rest in Peace'. But 'Peace' was never a Keith Flint kinda thing.

    And as for you God, NO MORE CELEBRITIES THAT I LOVE. Here's a list of musicians that no one will miss:

    Gilbert O'Sullivan.

     Tom Chaplin from Keane.

    The whole of Snow Patrol.

    The _'I wasn't expecting that'_ c---.

    James Blunt.

  10. MainerMikeBrown

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    I've seen many medical doctors in my time.  And I've noticed that none of them would tell me what the potential side effects of a medication they had just prescribed me could be unless I asked them.
     
    But I worked with one psychiatrist who, even when I asked him about it when he'd prescribe me medication, wouldn't tell me what the potential side effects were.
     
    It's impossible for any psychiatrist to be able to remember every possible side effect to every single psychiatric medication.  It's too much for even the best psychiatrists to remember.  However, this doctor wouldn't tell me anything.
     
    If you're prescribed a medication by a psychiatrist and you want to know what the side effects might be, you have the right to know.  If you ask this and don't get enough information about the new medication, put your foot down.  This is your mental and physical health we're talking about, after all.
     
     
     
     
     
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  11. The Wistman
    Latest Entry

                                                   5c7598c453f4d_MarkAntony.jpeg.e971fe59e095c8561ddb6bfc6e768a5c.jpeg

    While working with my Cleopatra thread on the Ancient Mysteries subforum, I came across this piece and it struck me, but it wasn’t appropriate to include it there.  It contains a large intimated truth: the more that someone has in life – the more material rewards – the harder it is for them to lose it, or let go of it.  This is especially true when one gets those rewards and doesn’t experience, along the way, losses to temper the ego’s gold-plated crown.

    The ancient Roman we know as Marc Antony had lived the richest of rich lives: handsome, aristocratic, virile, athletic, an officer, tactician, protégé of Julius Caesar, orator, Triumvir of Rome, paramour of Cleopatra…Queen without peer (until, perhaps, Eleanor of Aquitaine), co-ruler of Alexandria at its peak, living in splendor and luxury and fame; it all came to him in a stream of battle and glory almost without fail.  Until…he blundered at Actium and it all fell apart.  Thinking Cleopatra already dead and all his vast possessions and position lost, he mortally stabbed himself and, learning she was still alive, was brought to her in her high tomb where she’d barricaded herself, and slowly died in her arms, gazing out over the magnificent city that his defeat had now delivered into Rome's hands. 

    Here is the gentle, sympathetic poem by the late 19th century Greek poet Constantin Cafavy about Antony’s final curtain:

     

                 The God Abandons Antony

    At midnight, when suddenly you hear

    an invisible procession going by

    with exquisite music, voices,

    don’t mourn your luck that’s failing now,

    work gone wrong, your plans

    all proving deceptive—don’t mourn them uselessly:

    as one long prepared, and full of courage,

    say goodbye to her, to Alexandria who is leaving.

    Above all, don’t fool yourself, don’t say

    it was a dream, your ears deceived you:

    don’t degrade yourself with empty hopes like these.

    As one long prepared, and full of courage,

    as is right for you who were given this kind of city,

    go firmly to the window

    and listen with deep emotion,

    but not with the whining, the pleas of a coward:

    listen—your final pleasure—to the voices,

    to the exquisite music of that strange procession,

    to say goodbye to her, to the Alexandria you are losing.

     

    .

  12. ~ Random Crap ~

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    EU1B1UE
    Latest Entry

    So last night some time, I decided that I wanted to go back to sleep :sleepy:. Every time I turned my back away I would hear muffled foot steps or some sort of movement. Which as your usual response <_< you'd turn around to see what it was :huh:. I was expecting either one of the cats or the dog but I didn't see anything at this point :o.

    From there I kept on tossing and turning in bed :angry: and every now and then I would see this rapid shadow figure moving in front of the fireplace. For now let's call it "that thing", anyways whatever "that thing"  was it hadn't quick manifest itself fully to completely Identify its full figure. But whatever "that thing" was it creeped me the **** out :ph34r:.

    I finally gotten to sleep yeah, in the dream I recall walking up to the wall of this building outside. It was made out of sandstone bricks *I think!* on this wall someone write a message along the lines of:

    "Messages doesn't always work on EVP. Don't try it."

    Whoever write it used like a tiny black stone or pebble because you could see all the attempts the person made to make this message noticeable upon the wall. In the morning I looked up the dream meaning for EVP, believe it or not couldn't find jackshit on that. For those who don't know what a EVP is, its a device used to record voices of spirits that aren't heard easily.

    Just before church I decided to use my Pendulum to figure out what "that thing" was and if it influenced this dream. I received yes for both. After church *about 1pm noon* I started making a vlog for my YTC about this experience where I recorded me using the Pendulum and using Tarot for more in depth info. I've also been meaning to draw what I saw in the dream about the message as well. So if there's any update I'll publish it.

  13. Tales from the Mist

    Goddess of the Mist
    Latest Entry

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    Better watch yourself

    he’s just playing with you

    saying all those words you want to hear

    not one of them true

     

    Holy roller, business owner, multimillionaire

    you’ve been on the road of heartbreak

    he’s the answer to your prayer

    Philanthropist, romanticist, sex god love affair

    he’s everything a man can be

    now you’re tangled in his lair

     

    That sickly, nagging feeling

    Is he really who he seems?

    Is he just an online fantasy,

    or the answer to your dreams?

     

    Time will tell and things will show

    he’s played this game before

    with her and her and her and her

    and everyone you know

     

    Disappointment and resentment

    feelings you know well

    Still it doesn’t seem to matter

    your guard’s a fragile shell

     

    Letting go and moving on; it isn’t really hard

    the disillusioned disenchantment

    of a heart already scarred

     

    Sometimes you still wonder just who he really is

    was that even his real name

    but if he’s everything he said he was

    he wouldn’t play this game

  14. geminigirly43

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    When i lie down to go to sleep and my eyes r closed the white part of my eyes roll to the front of my face and i see a whole seniero its like a play or even a skit and the whole event is like its in a bubble and im watching it and its usally about people i care about or about people i know and these skits ill call them its either about death or bad events thats gonna happen to them and i see and watch the whole thing how it happens, like whose in it who did it , but i dont know when the events happen .and after its all done i fade away and fall asleep. and i have other things happen dont know what to call it but...i could be standing next to someone and my chest gets completly hot like on fire and ill just blurt out, oh my god! something bads gonna happen to you ! but i dont know what or when.                or i can have insticts of money like in my visions when im sleeping i see like scratch offs the winners on what im gonna win and what the scratch off is gonna look like like i had one where the scratch off was a bingo and it was 4 corners and i had bought a bingo one time and it was a 4 corner bingo but i thought i seen this before it happened .now these visions im having dont happen all the time but when they do there very true,powerful,i dont know weather to call it a gift,  or ???? so if someone out there has similarities please blog me and tell me what the heck is happening to me oh and this my first blog ever i dont know much abot blogging or internet or computers for that matter so please be patient with me learning as i go... just need some input thanks                                                                                                                                                                                         Geminigirly

  15. and then
    Latest Entry

    I've been thinking a lot, lately about my country and the path we seem to be on.  It's difficult not to become overwhelmed and depressed over the changes I see occurring daily.  I try to remind myself that a large part of the bad news is generated as propaganda but not all of it is.  This past week, the New York State Senate passed a law into their Constitution that allows a baby to be killed the day before it is due.  It also allows a provider to end that baby's life even if it survives the abortion attempt and is born alive.  The usual suspects on the Left vociferously defend the law by putting the best possible face on it.  They point to the provisions about that decision being made due to birth defects but in truth, we all know that once this is commonly accepted within the abortion industry, there will be no penalties for those who exterminate a viable life for the sake of convenience for the mother.  I made some statements in anger when I heard of this decision and even heard applause on the Senate floor upon its passage.  I just want to make it clear that I don't hate New Yorkers as a group.  I don't even hate those who voted for and cheered the passage of this abomination.  I AM crushed and sad that any pace in America would pass such a law.  Illinois seems to be getting in on the same action by attempting to pass laws that allow what is basically infanticide.  

    There are situations where a mother's life is truly at risk and as such, terminating a pregnancy, while horrible, is still preferable.  The truth is that those situations are statistically VERY rare compared to the numbers of babies who are snuffed out simply because they'd be a burden on a young woman and her partner.  The issue has always been polarizing and people cannot accept the goodwill that exists on each side.  I believe that any legislator that votes pro-life should also stand up for helping to care for those unwanted babies.  I think our nation has become so morally bankrupt that our future is sealed and it won't be pretty.  When we fall, nationally, we will deserve it.  We will be without excuse.  If we can be so callous to the most innocent among us, what mercy do we deserve?  

    God's will be done, the sooner the better.  We have become a habitation of every evil thing known to mankind.  We ALL are responsible.

  16. Alan Copeland

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    Bill Eever
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    Hello everyone

    My name is Alan, I am 71 years old and I live in Tiverton Devon with my partner Jenny. I have worked all my life since the age of 15 as a carpenter. In my life I have had a number of experiences which although not mind boggling in themselves seem to defy any logical explanation, they are also different from each other in that they do not share a common thread or theme. The first one occurred  at age 15 and the last at about age 57. Only I can vouch for my own honesty  sincerity and integrity when describing these occurrences.                                                                                        I have an excellent long term memory and have often thought of these events as years went by, I would like to share them with you now, my reasons for doing so are to initiate in people the belief that we as human beings are not alone in our lives and existence and that when our lives and existence on this earth ends that that does not mean the end of our spiritual existance. My experiences have instilled in me an unshakeable and absolute knowledge that these lives that we live and share are just a small part of a much longer journey to who knows what or where. I welcome all comments both positive or critical.

    When I was 14 my grandfather  died, this was my dad's  dad. My grandparents lived about half an hour by bus from my home.  Along with my parents, my younger brother and four younger sisters, I would visit my grandparents house every Sunday afternoon without fail to meet up with my three uncles and one Aunty plus my cousin Peter who is one year older than me. It was always a happy time and after Sunday tea we would return home by 7pm.

    One Friday afternoon I was at my grandparents house, I can not remember why. It was most unusual as it was a school day and only a matter of months before I left school for the last time. For the last hour of this visit my grandfather and myself sat side by side on the front doorstep, although I do not remember the details I know we talked almost non stop, it was a happy hour spent with him, my grandfather was very fond of me and always made a fuss of me. We were just passing time waiting for the 82 bus to Windy Nook which was only a ten minute walk from my home. About five minutes  before I left my grandfather pressed a sixpence into my hand and said " There you are son, you can get yourself some sweets " soon after that I was gone, I did not know that I would never see him again and made the uneventful journey home.

    Two days later, it was Sunday morning about 10.30 and my parents were beginning the early preparations for Sunday lunch. Two of my dads younger  brothers my uncle Norman and uncle Alan arrived unexpectedly and clearly in distress, they told my dad that their dad had died of a suspected heart attack, my grandad was sixty three when he died. I remember very little of the rest of the day except that I was left to look after my younger siblings while my parents went away with my two uncles, returning a few hours later. When my grandads funeral took place the adults decided that I should not attend as it would be to distressing for me, I was hugely relieved I could not have imagined myself going to anyones funeral much less my own grandad.  After a couple of weeks things returned to normal and continued to be so for several months until I left school three weeks before my fifteenth birthday.

    Two days after leaving school I started  work as an apprentice carpenter, although I had to wait until my 16th birthday to begin my official five year apprenticeship. I loved the learning process and the job itself, I still do and still work now fifty six years later. 

    After the death of my grandfather  the weekly  visits to my grandmothers house hand come to an abrupt end. Several months went by, I would guess about eight, I resumed the visits on my own. I had changed from a fourteen year old schoolboy  into a more confident and muscular  teenager a few months from my sixteenth birthday, these changes were the result of spending my days working with men who were teaching me my trade. I admired and respected them a lot and they responded well to my obvious willingness to learn, the work was physically  demanding  too, carrying long roofing timbers and sheets of plywood was an everyday occurrence and I loved all of it. It was a very happy time for me, outside of work playing football and reading were my two main passions.

    It was in this relaxed and carefree scenario that I resumed my visits  to my grandmothers house on Sundays, but now the reason for going was to spend time with my cousin Peter as well as visiting my grandmother. I had no unease or qualms at all about resuming these visits and looked forward to them every week  I had quickly adjusted to the passing away of my grandfather and accepted it as part of lifes natural cycle. I think it took about six weeks after he died to adjust to the fact that I would never see him again  and I did feel the loss. I regarded him as someone who had cared a lot about me. However when I resumed my visits I was in carefree mode with no concerns at all. Since the age of about ten or eleven I had also been part of a group of five close friends we did a lot together  such as caddying at the local golf course, football, taking up archery and making our own bows and arrows as well as in recent months collectively  taking an interest in girls.

    Since resuming my visits  to my grandmothers  house I had made four or five weekly visits, all of them relaxed and uneventful. A pattern had emerged in that on each of these Sunday nights just before 6.00 PM my grandmother and her lifelong friend Mrs  porritt who lived next door would take themselves off to a local club for a few drinks and several games of bingo, returning at about 10.pm. Peter and I would then spend most of the next two hours either reading magazines watching a bit of TV or talking before I caught the 8.00 pm number 82 bus to Windy Nook and home. One particular Sunday night having followed this normal routine  the clock had moved on to about 7.45, Peter and I were in our Grandmothers kitchen where there was a back door through which you could access the yard and the outside toilet, all of these houses at that time had an outside toilet. Grandmothers toilet was about five or six yards from the back door and then up four stone steps and the wooden door of the toilet was then on the left. I told Peter in the kitchen that I had to go  the toilet before going to the bus stop which was about a 150 yards walk from the front door of the house, I also asked  him if he would get two magazines which I had asked him earlier in the evening if I could borrow, he said he would.

    I walked through the yard and up the steps I was in an entirely relaxed  mood and anticipating the bus ride home as well as arriving home in time to spend a couple of hours with my family, especially my two sisters  who were closest to me in age being born less than two years apart.. I entered the toilet and spent about three minutes or so in there, as I was about to open the door and leave, the most remarkable and simultaneously  terrifying thing happened.                                        The unmistakable voice of my grandfather spoke to me from the area above and behind my head and this is what he said                                                                         " Alan, don't be afraid son, I want to tell you something that will help you in your life" I was so shocked and frightened, I pushed the door open and took the four stairs in one leap almost stumbling on landing, the back door was open and I just ran, Peter my cousin was in the kitchen. I can not imagine what kind of an image I portrayed, Peter was completely startled by my appearance, indeed he looked frightened himself, he stood in front of me and kept asking me what was wrong and what had happened. I could not tell him, I was still trying to get my thoughts and myself in order over what had just happened. I told him that I was ok and that nothing had happened, it was obvious by his manner that he did not believe me but I could not tell him because I thought that it would frighten him further and it was partly due to the fact that I did not want to appear foolish in relating such an implausible occurrence. I left quickly, I just wanted to get home to familiar surroundings and my family but little did I know that on this day that my grandad was not finished with me yet.

    Twenty minutes on the bus and a ten minute walk cleared my head and by the time I arrived home I was back to my normal self although still turning the events of the past hour over and over in my mind. At this time my brother and I shared a double bed in the back bedroom of our house. I went to bed at about 10.30 and my thoughts had turned to work the next day. I was working on the construction of a new school which was a mere five minutes walk from my house. I loved the variety of carpentry tasks that were part of my job.

    I had not been in bed very long, ten minutes or so, my brother Raymond was asleep. I was lying on my left hand side facing the wall with my brother In front of me I was wide awake we were the only two in the room and the door was closed. Without warning I felt the unmistakable pressure of a hand closing on my right shoulder, I froze with terror, if anything this was much worse than what had happened three hours earlier. The hand on my shoulder was insistent but gentle repeatedly pulling my right shoulder back in an effort to get me to turn around, I was rigid with fear but the hand kept pulling, I heard a voice somewhere within me telling me not to be afraid but the voice was not mine, the pressure of the hand on my shoulder increased without actually hurting me, in my head I could hear myself saying no no no leave me alone please leave me alone, the hand and the pressure on my shoulder stopped. I have not the slightest doubt that this was my grandad.

    for about the next ninety minutes I could not sleep at all, going over and over these two events in my mind.  Sheer emotional exhaustion  took me to sleep and I awoke next morning to broad and bright daylight and felt fine but perhaps still quiete a bit unnerved by it all but within forty eight hours or so I was the same as as I ever was. I had no further communication from my grandad,from time to time some years later I would sometimes think about it and wonder what it was that my grandad wanted to tell me. There have been times in my life when I would have welcomed advice from someone or a spirit not of this world but then I think that most people might think the same.

    forty three years later I received  a visit from another spirit, another family member. On that occasion I had no fear at all. In between there have been other strange occurrences not connected to the spirit world. In scale they are almost irrelevant or inconsequential  but nevertheless less take a lot of explaining 

    I am sure that a lot of people having read this blog will offer the opinion that this was no more than hallucination  or a vivid imagination. These views are to be respected and warrant no less creedence  than my own views or of those  people who's  views are the same as mine. If the events described here were the only experience of such matters I had ever had then it would be difficult to counter the suggestion of hallucination, but that is not the case. In closing I would just like to say once again that I am essentially a very honest person. The experiences I have had are without any doubt at all real. I can not understand or explain them Other than these events happening to me at the times they did, each of them years apart I have never had any interest at all in the paranormal, it has never even formed part of my reading material which is almost exclusively non fiction with the backbone of it being Biographical 

    Thank you for taking the trouble to read my blog

    Alan Copeland        AKA Bill Eever ( believer )

     

    My first blog entry, in fact my first blog ever was about my Grandad and his two attempts to communicate with me on the same evening, this would have been in 1962.  My next experience which left me puzzled and with a question unresolved to this day took place in 1965 / 1966. It was fleeting, all over in less than five minutes. It was something I have very rarely spoken about , no more than two or three times in over fifty years, I think this is because it is probably the experience which would invite the most scepticism / disbelief. So once again I find myself having to vouch for my own honesty  integrity and accuracy in relating this very odd occurrence.

    A dream, or something more profound !

    We were four good mates, myself   Dave Levee   Frankie McGee and Eddie Ruddick. We were all about eighteen and had been mates since childhood. Funny how friendships are formed sometimes, I met Frankie McGee one day in our local park when we were about ten we both ran from different directions for the one swing that was not being used, we got there at the same time and both grabbed it in a matter of seconds we were scrapping over it, throwing punches for all we were worth over a swing. Just when I thought I might be going to get the upper hand his big brother Eddie pulled us apart and made us shake hands.we became best friends for the next twelve years and never had another cross word between us.  So on this night some time in 1965 the four of us had gone to Low Fell. Low Fell was great it had five or six great pubs three or four nice places to eat some nice shops and a snooker and pool hall with fifteen tables. It was midweek I know, probably a Thursday night and we had been playing snooker for a couple of hours. When we finished we walked to the bus stop which was outside the Gateshead Arms pub, it was still early about 8.30 PM. Right next to the Gateshead Arms pub was St John's Roman Catholic Church. In all the time we had been using that bus stop the church had always been closed and in darkness, but this night it was lit up and there was music coming from within and the sound of kids laughing. There was a wide pathway which led from street level where we were up and around to the double arched doors of the church.              Someone suggested that we go up and have a look so we did. There was a lady sitting on a chair with a small table just inside the door. We asked if we could come in and she said we were welcome to do so, there was a small charge which we paid. She explained that it was a youth  club for kids of fifteen and older, that soft drinks and light snacks were available and asked if we would be polite and not to noisy.   We made our way to the back of the church hall where there were several  long wooden benches. The benches were long enough for all four of us to sit side by side on one of them,I was on the right hand side as we looked out at the main group of kids dancing in the centre of the large church hall. There was a temporary counter with tables behind where soft drinks and sandwiches etc were available. My best mate at that time Frankie McGee was on my left, then Dave Levee and Eddie Ruddick on the other end.                                                           We sat quietly watching but not saying very much at all, we had only came in because the lights and the music we heard had roused our curiosity  and as it was early and the buses were frequent we probably intended it as no more than half hour diversion before we continued home. The girls outnumbered the boys by at least three to one but most of them were at least two to three years younger than ourselves although still attractive to the casual observer.

    even now after all these years it is still difficult to put into words what happened next but I will try to present it as best as I can. I was quietly watching the group  of about twenty people on the dancefloor, then in my mind over a period I would say of between five and ten seconds the realisation came to me that this scene in front of me was familiar, not just the scene but the people in it. As the seconds ticked by the feeling of having seen this before intensified I could see a girl, taller than most of the others with straight long blonde hair below her shoulders with a very distinctive coloured dress on, deep wine coloured red with gold braided across her chest, then another person I recognised stepping up to the counter to buy something then two or three other individuals also familiar, I was beginning to anticipate their movements before they made them because I had experienced this scene before. During these seconds as they unfolded I felt almost disorientated and very unnerving trying to make sense out of what was happening. And then in an instant it came to me, it was a dream I had had, about three weeks previously. I was struggling to cope with the enormity of it I was still  only eighteen and not emotionally or mentally equipped to deal with it.I thought about the dream still while watching these unfolding events and I remembered that at some point in the dream a gang of lads had run into the church hall and started hitting people indiscrimminately  and in the dream when it happened I was in the Church Hall with Frankie Dave and Eddie.                                                    It is difficult to relate the sense of disbelief I felt at that time, that here I was in real time re living a dream in presice  detail which I had dreamt of some weeks previously, but real it was. Almost instinctively I turned and pushed Frankie forcefully  with both hands and shouted to all three of them " we have to get out of here now straight away"  they must have been startled  by this very uncharacteristic and intense outburst because as one they just turned and walked very quickly to the door and ran down the ramp to the bus stop. Almost in unison they asked me what was the matter, what had happened to make me behave like that. Once again and for the same reason as with my cousin Peter I could not tell them, it would have sounded preposterous telling three lads that I had had a dream three weeks ago that we were in this church hall and that everything that had happened in the church was exactly as happened in my dream, I could not even make up a reason fictitious  or otherwise not to tell them I could not think of anything other than that you could have a dream about something that would happen in the future, exact in every detail. So said the only thing I could, I just said something really very very strange happened and I can not tell you about it. They were not happy about it but we were close friends and there was a bond between us. They knew clearly that it was not a poor attempt  af a joke they knew that on this matter at least I was very serious but at other times I could jome and display impromptu humour at the drop of a hat as they say, or when the occasion demanded, they also knew me well enough and for long enough not to press me on what had happened so they just let it go.             It bothered me for the whole of the following week, such a profound and inexplicable  experience.  In urging them to get out of the church quickly It was because I had expected the arrival of the gang of troublemakers  at any moment, I had expected to meet them on the ramp as we ran from the church or to see them arrive as we waited at the bus stop while we waited for our bus, but I never saw them at all. So that part of the premonition  did not come true. The girl in the dress and other people present were exactly the same people I had seen in my dream, from the moment I realised that I was actually watching events that I had dreamed of then for a minute or so before we ran out I was able to anticipate what they were going to do next, so that part was all true, no hallucination  no imagination all true. In the following days I was expecting at any time to hear via local gossip of of a disturbance or incident happening at the church after we got on the bus, I never did. In Gateshead where I lived and grew up at that time, we had a local paper, The Gateshead Post which came out once a week on Fridays so in the following week I waited to buy the paper and fully expecting to find in there a report or small mention of a disturbance or of anti social behaviour at St John's church on Low Fell but there was nothing at all.                                                I fully stand by what I saw and experienced in the church hall, I absolutely expect that there will be many skeptics and can understand that but for me, following on the death of my grandfather and the experience which followed that,  I was in the early stages at the age of eighteen of realising that all is not so simple on this earth we all share as it appears to be. There are invisible boundaries all around us and boundaries between time as well as physical  life and spiritual  existence  which can and do get crossed from one side to the other.                                        After this incident in the church I went about my life in the same way as everyone else, growing up and as an adult experiencing joy hope pain regrets hope and anger,  this took me to 1994 / 1995 when  I had another life questioning experience at the age of about 48. Just for fun I shall call it,   Fortune lost

     

     

  17. So I’m just going to put this out there. The Netflix series “OA” looks as if it has been following our stories, conversations and blogs here on UM. Particularly mine. I know I can seem crazy sometimes, but the whole series has way to many points that parallel blogs and events in my life that I have shared here and the odd way that spiritual beings seem to work. Even the images are strikingly similar to things I have described.

    If somone hasn’t been using my blogs as source material, it is one hell of a coincidence. The end of the first season blew me away. I won’t give it away, but if you have followed my blogs over the years, then you would see why.

    By he way. If you are a writer and doing this, I’m totaly cool with it. 

    It’s a hard one for me, because on one hand it looks like a writer has been using my experiences as source material and, if not, well... I take unusually syncronsitic events a little... a lot more seriously than most people. It wouldn’t be the first time all these things start lining up through media, so it means I need to pay attention. 

    Yes, Yes I know. I don’t need a lesson in how the human mind can create stories out of nothing... oddly enough that’s what the series is about as well. It’s as if somone has even been watching previous conversations and arguments I have had here. 

    Either that or I’m bat poop crazy.  

    The great thing is that I have been recording my experiences here for years. All it takes is some reading then watching the series and somone should be able to start to see what I am seeing.

    What a wacky universe we live in.

     

     

     

     

  18. Impedancer
    Latest Entry

    Many of you might wonder what Krav Maga is that I practise?. the martial art system was developed by Imi Lichtenfeld (former boxer and wrestler) who made use of his martial art skills to defend the Jewis quarter against fascist groups in Bratisalva during the second world war.  following his migration to Israel in the late 1940s he started to provide lessons on combat training for the Israel military Defense Forces which was later developed into Krav Maga. The orginal concept was to take the most effective simpel and practical techniques of other fighting systems to make them rapidly teachable to military conscripts to make them in relativly short time battle ready. the system derived from a combination of techniques taken from Boxing, Wrestling, Akido, Judo and Karate etc and is know for its for its focus on real-world situations and extreme efficiency. It was secret until 1968 and became popular among most Special Forces and Armies and Police forces across the world which later became taught by some martial art gyms. Students learn simultaneous defensive and offensive maneuvers and to defend against all variety of attacks on the ground in tight spaces, in darkness, with several attackers and are taught (most importantly) to avoid physical confrontation If this is impossible or unsafe, it promotes finishing a fight as quickly and aggressively as possible and to get away from the situation, Attacks are aimed at the most vulnerable parts of the body and there is no rules in Krav Maga.   

    What makes it fun to practice KM is all the boxing and the various techniques plus the friendship you get and that everyone strives to make each other better. got this question once how do you spar?. do you beat the crap out of each other? like you usually see in movies?.When you spar you dont hit your opponent with full force, you stop your punch just before it lands otherwise boxers wouldn´t learn anything and they would not be able to go matches.you spar for the following reasons you want to improve each others skills and to have fun, you want to do your best to ("win") yes but at the same time you have to adapt to your opponents level and still make it hard for him if you feel you constantly have the advantage, its all about giving and taking.  I also got this question once: when you spar dont you ever get angry when hit? No an angry fighter is a bad fighter, i do get frustrated and angry at myself sometimes when i do simple mistakes or get too tired to spar properly, stay focused stay on your game. Do you recommend km to eveyone ? I recommed it to everyone if you haven´t tried it you should give it a go! !Dont you have to be extremely fit?. It´s not bad to resonably fit if you´re not you will get in shape in no time plus have fun.

    Do you have any good self defense tips?: Yes! firstly Join your local KM club or boxing, thai boxing club. Secondly: when your out in town avoid looking at your mobile phone, look up instead and walk like you owned the place. If you do get attacked do everything  you can to get away from the sutiation defend yourself scream and be as agressive as you can and never give up!!!. If someone starts to pick on you in lets say a bar, simply go to another bar with your mates dont stick around, if the person starts to get threatening and you feel the situation is getting out of hand scream as loud as you can .BACK OFF!!, STOP!! this is what the law enforcement do and it will attract peoples attention if he then attacks you, you have a given him a warning and a good reason to defend yourself which will not be in his favour in court. And remember the first rule of Krav Maga avoid physical confrontation at all cost, never put yourself in a dangerous situation, stay out of trouble!!!.

     

     

  19. The inclination is great when you first experience something you deem to be paranormal to take it all as having meaning, as being truth, and then packing in every single view or bit of input that supports it into the same file. I do understand. I have been fascinated with the paranormal and astral realms for decades. The appeal, the obsession, is real. It is my life work and passion, so I understand.

    But, you do yourself no good, no gain, and no profit in hoarding information without discrimination. The end result is to be one of many who have a ton of things they can talk about and a whole lot of illogical conclusions and conflicts in it all. In other words, they do not have anything much to show for it. You MUST weed out everything. If you accidently toss something true, it will comeback, don't worry about that.

    I had to determine what to focus on, what was not a waste of time or red herring. Here are the rules I developed finally when the piles of stuff got to be too much:

    1. It has to serve a purpose. Late one night, family all asleep, I was writing in my office and suddenly started hearing clicks right behind me, which increased. I turned around sharply - the house was silent - and just stared to see CAT KIBBLE of all damn things, appearing in id air and pouring out onto the wood floor. About a cup full in all, hitting the flooring and scattering from the impact. This phenomenon is called an apport. I have seen a few. It stopped as the last of the kibble hit the floor, and after a bemused moment my old dog got up and sniffed at it and then started eating it. I kind of absorbed it and thought for a moment on it, then shrugged and went back to my writing. Cat food apporting in serves zero purpose, is ridiculous in fact, and I am not going to waste time on it or give it the faintest bit of energy. 

    2. It has to be positive. The dream I had which foreshadowed my Father's failing health and impending death was not a happy experience, but, it was positive in result. It warned me and allowed me to mentally prepare and be a lot less surprised when the call came that sent me driving through the might to his side before he passed over. I cannot, for the life of me, understand the numbers of posters who claim terrible, scary events and then do not want to hear how to be rid of it. I figure they either lie in the first case, exaggerate and know it is imagination going on for them, or fall into the common silliness that this might be the ONLY paranormal thing that will ever bother with them again so they want to keep it around. Surround yourself in positive things, and you will draw more of the same. Hanging out with something negative like this is like not throwing out the trash because it once was something useful to you.

    3. It needs to make sense. Kind of like my cat food anecdote above, which made zero sense at all - we didn't even have a cat at the time - an experience needs to make sense. I do not mean to the level of science and skeptical demands, but taken as a whole and in context, it does need to make sense. I was maybe about seven years old and got dragged to a night service at the Base Chapel when I was not really feeling like going anywhere. I sat on the end of a row and looked out through the (clear) windows at the darkness and Quonset huts out there used still for some base housing and my mind was wandering as the sermon went on. Suddenly, to my astonishment, I saw a bride, long flowing gown, walking slowly forward with a smile on her face and love in her eyes. She was so happy and seemed to emanate love to my amazement, I took it for a reflection in the glass from the small chapel, the angles were right and looked back into the chapel to see her, but, there was no bride there. I glanced around and nobody else was looking out the window at the bride. I looked back outside and nothing was there anymore. It was a while before I started to think about some "hauntings" as being recordings that can somehow be triggered to play for people who see them. I saw the recording of her wedding for a moment is all, and like to think her love did that and I hope her life was great. 

    A lot of people like to approach the paranormal as either positive or negative, of God or the Devil. I see it as sort of neutral parts of reality or else manifestations of a mind, most commonly the one who experiences them. My seeing that bride was a neutral thing already there, I believe. I just happened to somehow push the "play" button for it and see it. A memory for me, perhaps, but, I had nothing to do with it. Neutral things can be recordings like that, of intensely emotional moments. Bad, tragic, really happy events cane do this more easily. If there was a theory about recordings, perhaps it would claim that everything that has ever happened is recorded somehow. I know recordings are real, but, I don't know if everything is recorded. Probably, it is, if some moments are. Makes sense, I guess.

    There is another aspect of neutral reality, which is where that stupid cat food deal fits into for me. I was writing an article on nothing paranormal, cats nowhere on my mind. It happened, I had nothing to do with it, but someone or something did. I live by the theory that there are a lot of energies out there who want attention and they sometimes act out around people who are open to them, hoping for attention. I am open, but the beings I deal with know my rules and terms well. I am not at all amused or interested in neat-o gee whiz tripe. If they have something to tell me they do so pretty directly. I am very fierce about anything doing weird things anywhere at all around my family. My lady is an old hand with me and my ways but my child I want free to come to her own conclusions. If she asks, I explain, but, nothing at all is allowed to go bump in the night for her. I blame the cat food on some "thing" who detected my openness and did it to get my attention or weird me out or maybe get me to try to sort out how to ask it to bring me gold coins next time or some such silliness. It got the boot instead. I am not interested. 

    This category of "thing" or energy looking for someone to attend to it is where a whole lot of the reports we get on the forum fall into. Weird events happen, they make no sense, serve no purpose, and typically are not positive in results. The inexperienced will latch onto them and consider it to be an achievement and really cool, and I hate to say it but this stuff and class of "energy" never amounts to anything in the end but nothing at best or a low energy attachment at worst. "Things" do not go out looking for boring little humans like us unless they need something off us and this is never anything we do not need more ourselves. Wisdom is to not even waste time on them. File the event away, yes. My cat food tale has amused many since it happened and is truly strange, but it has zero cosmic value in the larger, real picture. In other words, it is meaningless. Most reports are, and if they occurred at all should land in a diary somewhere and be forgotten unless they make some sense later.

    Now, manifestations of a mind are something else. This is where it can cross the line into mental health issues, and I do not mean schizophrenia. It is reckless trolling and ignorance to see people posting "you are crazy" or "you need mental health intervention" to some of these posters. The depressed mind, the traumatized mind, extreme grief or stress or age related dementia, people suffering from PTSD or merely suicidal depression can experience visions, beings, disturbed sleep/disorders and the very last, most cruel and shallow response is to laugh, mock and tell them they are insane. This reveals ignorance that should stay off that post if they do not know for sure what is going on. Demons are terrible and real and dangerous, and there are manifestations of lesser order as well. In my experience, most of them are creations from a very wounded mind and need positive help and positively worded information and direction to psychiatric support. "Demons" often manifest in later stages when there is little hope or self image left and to be brutal can push them deeper into despair or even to suicide. If they are asking for help, or if it is you reading this who thinks you have one, there is room to reassure and explain about how the mind fights back and tries to express from the subconscious mind what it perceives and begs for help. Help is there. This is not insanity. If you are asking and looking for answers, you are not crazy. The truly insane have bought into it as reality and won't be asking. This is one of the most agonizing and terrifying experiences to go through as there is no safe place anymore, and no escape until someone goes in and helps the victim start to rebuild walls and self esteem and a safe place to stand and see what is happening so they can see how to help themselves clean house and fix what broke. 

    It has been said that God never gives us more than we can handle. There is some truth to that even if it is not The Creator who does this trash to us, really. We do it, others do it to us because we don't realize or we allow it, life does it, and anyone can fall into a hole deep enough to suffer some of this sort of thing, if only in passing and if only during a bad phase in life they got over. Not everyone can do it alone and Compassion is always the right answer and move away if it is not you who knows how to help. Do not feed it further in bad ways. 

    To get back on track, I want to tell you that discernment, throwing out the tripe and waste experiences is wisest. Reject these odd events and intrusions on your life, reality and space, such as ghost footsteps upstairs and shadow people flitting about or stuff being tossed around soon as it begins. While it may open your mind to the possibility that there is more out there, beyond that, if it serves no purpose, makes no sense, and serves no positive purpose in results, reject it. If it is an energy roaming about, it will have to move on if you insist that it does and mean it. It is a back handed compliment, really, as they bother folks who have a bit of light to feed off of. Write it in your diary, and move on and allow life to reveal later if there was anything more to it. Life is challenging enough without carrying these parasites around on top of it. 

    I get accused of being a sceptic often because the truth is most things can be debunked and need to be. I support that not because I do not believe in it, but because I do believe and I know the real deal is real enough and powerful enough to make certain you cannot ignore it if it wants to. It makes sense when it does (though it might take a while to fully appreciate that), it serves a purpose and teaches you a lot, and it is positive in results. It will not be trying to scare you or terrorize your children. 

    All of this can be boiled down into a really brief point. If it is not GOOD, just say no. Literally, just look up at your version of cat kibble falling from nowhere and shake your head and ignore it. Go back to living and doing what you were before.

    You have free will. Use it.

    I write to serve.

  20. A Career of Me

    Whatching my boys today, I can’t help but start thinking about parenting as I start this process of optimization. Out of everything that I want to get right in this world, It’s being a father. They really are my world, yet at the same time, I know I have to make my own world to be true to me too if I’m going to be my best for them. 

    I never put them in day care. My wife works full time, and owning the school, I didn’t work until the evening. When my first was born, I was the ripe old age of 27. I strapped the kid to my back, learned how to change diapers on the go, blend baby food, manage blow outs, and sleep when he slept.

    My wife has a busy corporate career, so he even came with me to the dojo. People all around town, that didn’t already know me, started to identify me as the young guy that took his baby everywhere. I was fine with this. I was young, strong, and I had such a clear focus. I knew kids that were close with their parents grew up more emotionally stable and intelligent, so I did what it took not to have someone else nurturing him. 

    It worked. Now he is a bright, intelligent, and compassionate beautiful 13 year old. Sorry ladies no sexism intended, but sometimes behind  his back, I call him my girl because he is so sweet and compassionate. We really are very close, and he is a big time dady’s boy. 

    Then came another, and a few years latter another. This is where I mark the beginnings of a few of my own personal struggles. I had to drop out of being on the US sport jiujitsu team. The training, the school, two babies at that time were just too much.  I compensated by my long solo trips into the wilderness and meditation, but really my pace was taking to much out of me. I just couldn’t see it. I really felt that I was the master of my universe and nothing could stop me. 

    Anyway... I didn’t want this entry to be a history lesson, but I did it with all three of my boys. I kept them with me. Learning from me, training in martial arts, and we were obsorbing each other. I’m very close to all three of them, and sometimes it breaks my heart just because they are growing and each phase is impermenant. 

    Of course, at the same time  all of that was happening, I was going through deep psycho spiritual episodes. I have another blog here that I was writing during some of that. Looking back, I wonder if it were to much. Maybe I should have asked for help. 

    Anyway, going forward now, I’m wondering how to maintain this role I have taken on in their lives. They are starting to do more and more on their own, but when I choose a new careeer, am I going to have to be like normal dads? Like my wife? She dosnt get home till 7pm. When I was teaching I wasn’t home myself in the evening, but they were actually with me a lot of the time. Leaving the dojo behind has disrupted how we all live. We will still be training twice a week, but I can’t help but worry where this is headed. 

    I don’t just want our short time on this earth in this capacity to be “normal.” I have been fortunate enough to give them an amazing and adventurous child hood so far. How do I continue? How do I make it better? 

    Now that they are older, they bicker more, I snap at them more, and things are not as pure as when they were little. Me and my middle child butt heads all the time. He is a great kid, but along with the freedom I give them, there are some very strict rules about respect and behavior. He wants to challenge me on those, and I don’t always respond in the way I think my higher self wants me to. How do I reel in my reactions? How do I keep the vision I have for them remembering not just a childhood, but a grand experience growing up? How do I work on myself during all this? 

    My mind mills and churns over it so much, I have actually had to start listening to audio books and podcasts with my blue tooth headset simply to drown out my own inner voice. My inner voice simply won’t shut up. I can quiet it during meditation, but the only thing that helps when I’m going about my day is to drown it in information and learning. 

    Optimizing parenthood may be one of the most challenging things I have ever attempted. I have faced down cage fighters, large wild animals, a few abusive psychos, and even stood my ground against what people would call demons and devils, but screwing this up scares the hell out me.

    Thanks for reading. 

     

     

     

  21. newbloodmoon
    Latest Entry

    So I recently joined a writing site that wasn’t associated in any way with some of the things I’ve had published. I thought that I would post stories on there that I would consider to be my seconds. They’re not quite polished or are stories that didn’t quite fit what I wanted to submit.

     I have two stories in to set up kind of what I would like to do. Put stuf out there that isn’t quite my best but was still fun too write.  I will soon post the url so people can go scope them out. Stay tuned for those who wanna check it out.

  22. I have been gone since may 11 of either this year or last, I do not remember. I still have no ways of making normal posts and on top of that most of my old activity posts have disappeared. I feel like they don't want me talking even after accepting that I agreed to not make long like update or activity posts. But even after that I am unable to make posts and interact with everyone. I still do not understand what was so wrong about me making long activity posts so I did not have to mess with blog stuff, but it will never make since why it has become a petty party of making me unable to post plus not being allowed to share the link to another account seems a little idiotic as well. Everyone does not just sit here on this site 24/7 we have to be able to share where else we are for people to network and connect. But it is fine, I am not a moderator, I did not decide these stupid rules. Just here wanting to reconnect, but not allowed too.

     

  23. Mary

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    marymiller106
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    Hi, to anyone that may read this. My mom passed away in June. There have been strange things happening since just before her bday on Nov 3. I thought I've been crazy and not thinking right. But tonight something happened that I can not explain. Please help me.