Jump to content
Join the Unexplained Mysteries community today! It's free and setting up an account only takes a moment.
- Sign In or Create Account -

Falco's Forum Romanum

  • entries
  • comments
  • views

About this blog

Anima mea..

Entries in this blog

Falco Rex

The Unbearable Heaviness of Being..

Are you intelligent? Do you have natural talent? Do you ooze charm?

If you do; do you get sick of people telling you that and mentioning that you have the ability to be rich and famous if only you did this or that?

I do at times; and I bet you do too..

What if you have all those abilities and all you want to do is have a good time; enjoy the one you love, and drink until everything is warm and fuzzy?

Why is the burden constantly upon us to drive forward and produce, whether we care or not?

Nobody on dry land expects a moron to be anything but a moron; and yet even the most idiotic person has a profound thought now and again..

This is greeted as a pleasant surprise..

And yet when a slightly intelligent hedonist succeeds a bit; all you ever hear is, "You should be doing better"..

Maybe so; but the days of our years are 3 score and 10; which is limiting as Hell..

If I betray all that I am and all that makes me happy to earn a few extra dollars what am I really worth?

Anyway; cheers all of you like me..Here's to voluntary mediocrity!!

Falco Rex

I'm a Jack-Ass!


I'm Falco Rex and I'm a raging b******!!

Some of you may remember me, and most of you probably don't, but I've known this forum for a very long time indeed..

And in that span of time I've covered the spectrum of viewpoints and emotions..

I've been compassionate. I've been mean..I've been an uber-skeptic. I've been a blind believer..

That's just in one day, mind you..

One thing always comes to fore though; and that's common sense above all.

I'm the ultimate "Me-ist" as far as philosophy and religion goes..

"How does that effect me and Girty" is the question I ask before anything else; and in essence; the only one that really matters..

I'd live; I'd die; I'd kill, lie or steal just to make sure that question was answered satisfactory to her and I..

So basically what I'm saying is this..

Now that I'm in a posting mood again I'm probably going to be wildly unpopular unless you want to jump on our boat..

But for those of you who who've been where I've been in your lives I offer you my respect and a tip of my hat; if I actually wore a hat..

Basically I'm back and the gloves have come all the way off..

I may not post often; but I'll post heavy..

Let's take it to the mattresses boys and girls!!

Falco Rex

Just a test..

Recently, a friend here has found her blog locked up for absolutely no reason we can find..Perhaps it's just a glitch because of inactivity..

If so..

Well; I haven't made an entry here for months..

If this shows up we may convey something more sinister that smacks of a personal vendetta..

Personally; I don't find anything objectionable about somebody posting a paragraph on thier God-daughter but perhaps somebody out there feels different..

Falco Rex

Ask Falco: The Next Generation

Well here we go again..

It worked before, so let's reheat some leftovers and crack a beer for the inevitable return of the exact same bull I shoveled to you before..

Familiarity is very comfortable, right?

Do you have a question that's bugged you your entire life? Do you need answers and need them yesterday or possibly even sooner? Do you need a firm hand to guide your destiny? Or do just really wish you could remember who won the 1965 World Series?(The Dodgers, dummy)...Well Falco is here to take on all comers..Take that statement however you want to..

But feel free to ask me anything about everything..

The answer may not be what you wanted; but I promise you one thing...

It will be an answer; and phrased in my unique and endearing grammatical style...

Do you feel lucky; poster? :ph34r:

Falco Rex

The triumphant return of something or other..

It's been a long, long time; boys and girls..

I've been gone for quite awhile from this particular forum, and for what I thought was good reason; although that all seems like ashes and angel wings in hindsight..

You see, I've been mean, diffident, standoffish and cruel to the many people I've met here over the couple of years I've been a member of this forum, just lately..

The fact is, there's been many recent upheavals in my life, as well as numerous problems with a few members of this forums' administration..

I've felt persecuted by people who used to admire me merely because I dared to create something on my own..

Perhaps those feelings were justified, and perhaps they weren't. In the end it means nothing. I guess..

The point is; I miss posting here, as it's a great place..

There were many people I've wronged here who had nothing to do with any of the events in question, and who were great friends to me for quite a long time..

To all of you, I can only say I'm sorry, and I hope you'll accept that..The bridges may be burned, but if you're willing we can rebuild them together..

To those of you who truly despise me; I can only say that I trust Karma will sort you..

I come to you now on UM not as a penitent beggar, but with my head still held high, for although I acted wrongly sometimes, I never deviated from my principles; nor will I..

It's a glorious new age for Falco..

One of tolerance, wisdom and enlightenment..........

Now let's all get plastered and pass out.. :P


Ask Falco the Third

Long ago in a galaxy far, far away there was a blog column called Ask Falco..

For many months now, my font of amazing wisdom has lain dormant..

Until now...

Now friends and neighbors and also people I hate, I return to dispense knowledge and aforethought; if that is indeed a real sentence..

Perhaps it is, maybe it isn't...You'll never know..


Because you aren't half the sage I am..

And here I'm going to prove it..

Many of you newer members never got to ask me your pressing questions about life and love. So here's your chance to ask me anything...

And remember; there's no such thing as a stupid question; but that doesn't mean I can't provide stupid answers..

I apologize for that earlier arrogance, I'm really eager to help, so ask away, dummies!



I must apologize to all my loyal readers of "The Case" but that project is indefinately shelved at this point..There's just too damn much to do to give it the attention it deserves. I do hope to get back to it at some point, and you can probably expect an odd update here and there when I get a spare hour or two, but as a whole I just don't have the time it takes to write a mini-series..

So I guess my Blog will now return to it's normal use as a venue for psuedo-intellectualism, propaganda, and anecdotes nobody really cares about anyway..

Enjoy! thumbsup.gif

*Waits for Snuffy to show up*


The Case 8: Blog Jam

I figured my best way through this was just to charge straight in and knock her over; so that's what I did..Or tried to..

Much to my surprise Thistle lightly side-stepped with a grace you only see in some professional dancers..And tapped me with the end of her stick..


So the"Pointy Stick" was actually a cattle prod, I noticed..

Not bad detective work really, considering that now I was on the ground writhing in shock as something like 20,000 volts rushed through my body..

"Over-masculine Idiot" I heard her say to herself, while I gradually stopped shaking, and tried to unclench my rogue muscles..

A shadowy shape looming over me told me that Kismit was probably back on her feet and ready for revenge; and being lifted to a standing position by an unseen force rather roughly let me know Magikman was back and unamused..

Once again my arms were pinned behind me; only this time I felt what seemed to be a pair of handcuffs being tightened around my wrists..

As the jolt subsided I found myself brought face to face again with Kismit..

I expected a smack or two from her, but instead she just rubbed the side of head where I had hit it and looked thoughtful..

"You know" she bagan "The knock on the brain has shaken an idea loose. While I don't condone forum commoners trying to do my job, you just may prove some use to us.."

"Do tell." I stated as confidently as I could, considering my current position..

"Well" she continued "It seems to me, that you might just flush our thief out for us, if we let you go on looking..That and the fact that some people will talk to you when they'd run from us in fear, might just give us an edge.."

"I guess I'd be alright with working with you Mods" I answered..

"Don't presume, Falco" she shot back "You'd be working for us, not with us..We're not equals here."

Could I still get my gun out, I wondered..Instead I said.."I could do that."

What can I say? Goddess types get me all worked up..

"Very well, then..Magikman will remove your restraints in a moment...But first.."

"First?" I wondered aloud..

"A test." She said, with her eyes gleaming with humor"Just to make sure you're resourceful and strong enough to survive working here. Bring him along MM."

With that they turned and we all marched out of the Crypto forest back into the land of Index with it's strange props and assorted weirdness..

I suppose I could have asked where they were taking me, but suprisingly enough, I didn't feel like making small talk..

Besides, I already knew the answer..

Wherever it was wouldn't be good..

On through the porticoed and gardened courtyard we went, recieving curious stares from evewn more curious looking people, until our group stopped at a wall in what seemed to be the very back of the room..

The only adornment on this wall was a large hatch that looked like one of those doors from the airlock to a submarine..You know the kind I mean; the ones with the wheel that opens and closes them..

"Here's your challenge then, Mr. Falco" said Kismit "We're going to release you into the Blogs...If we ever see you again, we'll know you're brave and resourceful enough to continue this case...If not we'll send somebody in with a mop to clean up your remains in 2 days or so.."

She spun the hatch, and the door opened, revealing a cacaphony of the unpleasant noise from the other side..I felt the invisible Magikman unlock and remove my handcuffs..

"Any last questions?" she said..

"Just one" I retorted "Are your breasts swollen?"

"Wouldn't you like to know" She answered with a half-smile..

Then a hard shove from behind sent me tumbling into the blog room..

I heard the hatch slam shut behind me..

I found myself awash in a sea of thought given form.

Whirlwinds of profound philosophy and utter insane ramblings whipped be me, allowing me to catch only the briefest glimpse of thier content..

Screaming, complaining, rationilizing and dreams, all vied for my attention for the short span of seconds before being gone again and replaced with more of the same, but different..

I tried to look around..To see some means of escape; but the constant assault on my mind prevented me from even noticing the details of the room..

I had to focus..

I tried isolating one strain of thought from all the rest and tracing it to it's source..

Itr was too much..Any sane and rational thought in this room was quickly buried in a mound of complete irrelevance..I'd never be able to hold onto one..

I could feel my sanity gradually slipping away..

Slowly I lowered myself to the floor and tried to concentrate hard enough to shut out the sound of a thousand different voices..

Little by little, I forced them to be merely background noise..

As the roar of voices died down by degrees I finally dared to open my eyes..

To be confronted with a strange sight..

"Hey hoss. You gonna sit there on the floor all day? Because somebody told me we had business.." Said someone..

There was a man holding the reins of a donkey not 5 feet away from me; I had no idea how long he'd been there..

"Well?" he queried "We getting on out of here, or not? Snuffs is a busy boy. And it's time for Donkeys' shift to start.."

Ah. I'd found the elusive Snuffypuffer. Or had he found me?

Lifting myself off the floor, I prepared to speak to the Sage of UM..

End of part 8...


The Case 6: Motorcycle Modness..

So why could I see this guy so easily?

The tree he was trying to hide behind had a glass case directly behind it. His reflection was clear as day..

He was a teenager closer to twelve than twenty..He had long black hair; a long black trench-coat and long black pants and boots probably..He had one hand reached under that coat; grasping something as he waited for me to pass..

Another hit-squad goon, sent by my unknown adversary?

If so, they were picking them a little young nowadays. I'd soon shake him down and get some answers though..


Did you think I was going to follow some elaborate trail of clues and evidence; each one a puzzle piece that fit neatly together until this was solved?

Sorry Junior. That's not how cases are solved in real life..Save it for CSI:Miami and Agatha Christie stories..

Ask any cop. 90% of cases are solved simply because someone ratted somebody else out..

I was hoping I'd just found my rat..

I kept my eyes on the case as I passed his spot..The moment I saw him tense, I made my move. Lightning fast I turned and struck out, punching him in the solar plexus..

He gasped with the sudden loss of breath and dropped what he'd been about to take out of his coat..

Somehow, it was a full sized persian carpet, neatly rolled..

While I stood dumbly digesting this fact, he recovered from the hit I gave him and reached under his coat again. This time he produced a very small motorcycle from its depths..He jumped on it; kickstarted and was off through the trees like shot..

I almost laughed at the futility of it..I began to run after him..

I may not look like much, but thanks to Camp Pendleton I could still run all day uphill carrying a hundred pound pack..He had to guide a tiny motorbike around trees and over roots..He was doomed..

Within two minutes I caught him..

Grabbing his jackets' collar I yanked him straight off the bike and slammed him to the ground..The bike continued on it's own before crashing into a tree and catching fire...The tree too, began to burn..


I thought that only happened on television..

I turned my attention back to my intended victim keeping him firmly pinned to the ground with one arm..

"Hello Rat!" I said happily"First you're going to tell me who you are and why you're following me with broadlooms in your hand; and then you're going to tell me anything else I care to know."

"I don't have to tell you anything you dink!" He shot back. "You wrecked my bike!"

"Really now?" I said standing him up and slamming him against a tree"Would you care to reconsider?"

Stony silence was all I got..Tough meat needs tenderizing, I guess..

I shook him back and forth in the air until I thought he looked like he just wanted to give up and die now..

"Well?" I said" I can do this all day if I have to."

"Walken" he muttered sullenly"My names' Walken."

"And?" "Why were trying to attack me with a rug?"

You're a Noob!" He answered, as if I should already know. "I like to roll Noobs in carpets and throw them off bridges! I was just having fun!"

Well that's normal. Was everyone here completely nuts?

"So Walken" I said conversationally "you wouldn't be working for these Mods I've heard about; would you?"

"Hah!" Me work for the Mods!! Those spoilsports? They always ruin my fun too! Walken is a free agent of surrealism!"

I think somehow I believed him. No sinister force would use such a random and strange young man as an agent of death..But I still needed a guide..

Nevertheless, young Walken; I need a person who knows this forum inside and out to work with me. Having p***ed me off; I'm electing you. Now take me to these Mods."

"I'm not guiding you anywhere. I need to go back to my Not-box and build a new bike. Besides which, I don't work for jerks who beat me up.."

I was about to continue to do just that when he said.."You should find Snuffypuffer. He knows everything about everything around here; he could help you more than me. "

Having a guy who I just whipped as a guide probably wasn't the best idea. It would probably turn out dangerous in the long run. This Snuffypuffer sounded like the guy I needed to talk to..

"If you can tell me where to find this Snuffypuffer" I offered" I may just let your throat go long enough for you to breathe correctly.."

"He's usually in General Off-Topic. Start by looking there" Said Walken..

I guess that was enough on him for one day..I slowly released him and let him stand on his own..

Gathering what dignity he still possesed he brushed himself off and squared his shoulders..

Then he looked at me with a devilish grin..

"Do you still want to talk to the Mods?" He asked slyly "Because I can get them here."

"How's that, I asked?

"Like this!"

"****!!" He yelled at the top of his lungs..

A cloud seemed to pass over the sun..

"S***!!! He yelled again..

The sun was completely overcast now..A strange warm wind began to blow..

Walken went on and on with an endless stream of profanity..

The warm wind turned hot..The forest went eerily quiet. The only strong light now came from the burning tree, the ground started trembling under my feet..

"Well, that should do it!" proclaimed Walken "You have fun now!!"

He gave me a cheery wave and ran full tilt for the exit to crypto..

Suddenly, lightning struck all around me..A giant clap of thunder split the air..

The Mods had arrived...

End of Part 6


The case 5: Back to Nature..

So it wasn't as bad as I thought at first..

Turning around I could still see the door behind me..It had no frame or obvious means of support but it stood there tall and strong just the same. At least I had some link to reality; if you wanted exaggerate and call this place that..

Keeping it's location firmly in my mind for a referance point I set out deeper into the forest..

Although it may have looked like British Columbia in summer, there was plenty of strangeness around to convince me this was no natural wood..

For one thing some of the trees were hollowed out. In the space was fitted a glass case with a glass lid on hinges..Underneath each of these cases hung a hammer and a box of nails. It was obvious what that was for..

Inside each case were several sheets of paper. The paper at the very top of the case was always something about a topic related to Crypto.."Mothman ate my parents" was the title of the one I was currently viewing..

Underneath others had nailed their comments or insights(again, I exaggerate) about that story..

Well, I'd finally found out what a post was...

If I searched; I should be able to find the case where one would be missing..


It soon became clear that there were so many empty glass cases that I'd never be able to single out just one as the one I needed. So much for detective work..

I'd decided to have a seat against a friendly looking tree-trunk and think things through a little further; when a voice said "You'll never find it sitting there, goofball!"

My client had returned..

She was dressed for this forum in a tank-top and hiking shorts, along with the inevitable timberland boots. She leaned herself quite at ease directly against the tree I was sitting under..Staring up at her from this angle it was hard not to be distracted by her....Personality..

"It's about time you showed up" she pouted "I've been waiting here; like; sooo long."

I had some difficulties getting here. " I retorted.."By the way; you didn't happen to mention to anybody that you'd hired me did you?

"Well, only to a few people." She replied " Maybe 30 or so."


I guess that explained the welcome wagon. I could never track all those people down, even if she did remember who they were..

Better tackle the job at hand first..

"So tell me; Ms. Innocence; where exactly is this case where your post went missing?"

"It's right on the other side of the tree you're sitting on!" She laughed..

I tried not to look like it was my first day with my licensce as I brushed myself off and headed around the trunk..

There stood an empty case, like so many others..But this one had large padlock inserted through the handle..

"So who'd lock up an empty case?" I asked her "And why?"

"I don't know why of course; or i wouldn't have hired you..My picture just went missing. Then when I got back here this time there was this lock on it..Only the Mods could do that."

Guess I'd have to talk to these "Mods" then..

And find someone who actually knew how to find them, a guide if you will. I didn't want to ask my client; both of us together would be sitting ducks for whoever wanted me offed..

A brief movement caught the corner of my peripheral vision..

I smiled..

"Look" I said to the not-aptly named Ms. Innocence "I have reason to believe both of our lives are in danger. I need you somewhere close but well hidden. Where in this place could that happen?"

"I could hide in the Chat-Room." She offered "Nobody ever goes there."

" Fine then. I'm going to give you my cell-phone. If there's trouble call my beeper. The numbers' on the phone. Now hurry on along, hon..Time's getting shorter."

I hope you'll come find me soon! She giggled as she sached away..

Honestly. A giggle..

My personal experience tells me that girls who giggle at me cause me nothing but problems, and I had a feeling that I was about to be proven right again..

But back to that movement now that she was gone..

The young man who'd been shadowing me in Index had followed me in here..He was again trying to hide unsucessfully behind a tree that was a little too small to handle the job..

I didn't let on that I'd noticed him yet as I strode in his general direction..

Time for some fun...

End of part five....


The glowing blue hallway went on for a ways; but at the end I could see what looked like interplay between light and shadow..

As I covered the distance I had time to reflect on what had happened so far..

The strange bus driver who knew just where to drive me was a little too convienant. Somebody must want me at UM..

On the other hand; having a guard in place to stop my entry certainly argued that someone wanted me out..

This case was barely a day old and already it seemed one side wanted me for a patsy; while another wanted me dead..

Business as usual for me..

At the halls' end I found out what the light and shadow were..

The light was natural sunlight, making the air a comfortable 75 degrees or so. How was this possible? It was almost dark and overcast back in the alley..Where had this passage taken me?

The shadows were outlines of people moving acrooss the doorway..And so many people! Of all races and nationalities..Male and Female..And all busy with something..

Some had armloads of books. Some single pieces of paper. some were deep in discussion with others while some wandered aimlessly..A few were arguing at the top of their lungs while just a few feet away a person would be lost in meditation; uncaring..

None of them paid me any mind..

All of this hubbub and bustle took place in the strangest place I've ever seen..

In one sense it looked like an enormous version of the classicly columned and peristyled gardens you'd see in ancient Rome, complete with fountains and statuary..

But there were..Changes..

Against one wall was a replica of a crashed UFO; complete with machine generated smoke and fake(I hoped) Alien bodies..Near one column stood what seemed to be a stuffed and mounted Sasquatch..

One wall contained a starkly painted All-Seeing Eye of The Illuminati; while yet another had statues' of world leaders sculpted and arranged so they seemed to playing baseball..

There was much more; but I'm not a tourist..I had a job to do..

Although nobody noticed me much; I certainly watched them. It seems not all the action was confined to this courtyard. Every once in awhile a person would pop in or out of a side passage located around the walls..Above each entryway was a carved plaque..One said " Conspiracies" another " Metaphysics" and so on..

I wasn't the worlds' greatest detective for nothing..I was looking for a Chupa pic. I knew where I had to go..

I headed for the Stuffed Sasquatch..

..But not alone, it seems..

A young man trying way too hard to look bored and casual seemed to be tailing me at what he must have thought was a discreet distance..

Nice try..

I hate being marked out in my first five minutes; and bored looking teenagers usually mean a world of trouble in my experience..

I'd force a confrontation when I had less chance of attracting attention my way. Until then I'd make sure I kept my eyes open for him..

Sure enough; behind the Taxidermists' wet dream was another small opening that had " Cryptozoology" engraved above it..

That post must have gone missing here..

I listened at the threshold and heard what seemed to be..Birdsong? Insects?

I entered the doorway and found myself in...

A forest of all places..

A perfect replica of some old-growth hardwood forest of the Pacific Northwest..

How was I to find anything lost somewhere in the middle of the woods?

This looked bad...And it was about to get worse..

End of part 4


The Case..Parte the Thirde..

In an alley, blind; and somebody I couldn't see pointing a gun at me..

Typical. That accounting job was looking real good about now.

The flick of light came again, along with a scraping sound..It was a zippo lighter; and it finally caught.

"About time" said the shadowy figure.."I've been trying to light this cigarette for a while."

With the lighters flame still going he set in upright on the ground next to him. In the small corona of brightness it created I could finally see who I was dealing with..

He was a young man in a trenchcoat and slacks..And he was bleeding..And badly; from a wound in his side..

Strangely enough, this seemed to bother him not in the least as he sat against the alley wall..

Maybe it was professional camraderie, but I recognized something familiar. He was a detective too. A detective with a cocky grin and a gun pointed at my head, but still..

I shifted my weight nervously..


A red hot streak shot by my ear close enough that I could fell it's tingle, in passing..

"That was a warning shot" Said the wounded young man "I'm, just letting you know not to do anything foolish. Like trying to get past me and go through that door."

Warning shot? People who had a serious urge to make me dead hadn't come that close..He was good..

Now that he mentioned it; I glanced down the alley and saw what he was talking about..A glowing blue door stood outlining the end of the alley. Why hadn't I seen that before now?

Because I wasn't meant to; came a random thought that made my skin prickle a bit..

"Now" continued the man "Let's have a talk, shall we?"

"I'm BurnSide. You're Rex Falco..Yes, I know who you are. I was told to expect you and keep you out of here. Through that door lies the place you've been looking for; but you can't go there. My job is to keep out trouble-makers, and you look like a world class one to me. So do us all a favor and turn around and go home..And forget you were ever even here.."

"Has anyone ever told you that you look just like Christian Slater?" I said..

..See the witty I was talking about earlier?

I could tell he wanted to laugh. He kept the gun up and covering me though. The hard lines of his face did soften a bit though..

"I'm doing you a kindness, really" He replied "Nobody who goes in there ever comes out the same."

"Maybe, but I've got a job to do too, and I honor my contracts in full, Burnside..I'll bet you understand that."

"I do" he said, with a bit of fellow feeling "But there's no way to get past me for you. I've got the gun..And I know you don't. They wouldn't let you on a plane with a firearm."

He was right..Thank you Anti-Terrorism laws. I'm now so safe in the air that I was going to get killed on the ground because of it..

What I did have though, was a mini-flashlight; and the ghost of an idea..

"Don't be so sure of what you know, my friend" I said; pulling the light from my pocket. I had my hand covering almost all of it and in the dim light of the Zippo I hoped it would vaguely resemble a snub-nosed pistol..

His eyes widened momentarily in surprise, letting me know my idea had worked, but he went back to his usual calmness almost immediately..

"It doesn't matter" he said, nonplussed "As it stands you'll shoot me and I'll shoot you. Then we'll both be out of it. Maybe that would be for the best..But ask yourself something Falco. I've been dying for a long time, can you handle the wound you'll get?"

Great..A stoic..

Any moment now he was going to realize that a coleman flashlight was no immediate danger to his health. Then I'd be stuck.

I could see I wasn't going to outbluff him; and I didn't want to gamble I could outhink him..

In cases like this there's only one thing to do..

Go with the oldest trick in the book.

"Catch" I shouted; and tossed the flashlight in a high arc towards him..

Reflexively, his eyes and hands went up. Just for a second. He snapped back his attention in an instant..

Not quick enough.

Two quick steps brought me to him. I kicked out at his hand and sent the gun skittering down the alley towards the glowing blue door..

I was down to the end and had already picked up the gun and had it trained on him in the time it took him to climb to his feet..

I guess that wound must have hurt him more than he let on..

"Sit back down, son" I told him "You look uncomfortable, and I'm already past you. You can't stop me now."

To my surprise he did just that.."I guess I can't. Maybe I shouldn't have tried anyway. This place needs some shaking up now and then."

The fight seemed to have left him, although I wouldn't want to bet money on that..

"I'm going to give you a final warning though; as a professional courtesy..If you go in through that door you may never come out. It will eat your soul..It did mine" Said Burnside.

" I gave them everything..My time, my talents, my insights and my humor..And they made me a guard. They said it was the best thing for me..They said I deserved it.."

"I feel like they absorbed me."

"They'll eat you too, Falco.."

I wanted to give some serious thought about what he said. I wanted to crack a joke. I wanted to say something profound. I wanted to deny what he said would ever happen to me. But time would be working against me soon.

Instead I said " You should get yourself to a hospital, chief..You need to get that hole in your side looked at. "

He nodded..

I spared one last glance for that powerful but broken detective and tried not to fell a sense of foreboding for myself..

I tipped him a salute; turned; and stepped through the door at the end of the alley..

Into the Unexplained Mysteries Forum...

End of part three..


The Case..Part 2


After leaving the terminal I realized one very important fact. As a detective I stunk on ice. I'd never thought to even ask where in this city Unexplained Mysteries might be located..

No big deal though, any cabby could probably tell me.

Or would be able to, if any were around...Must've been a soccer riot or a half price sale on haggis today. Whatever the reason, the streets around me seemed completely empty of public transportation of any kind..

When you're lost any direction is the right one, I guess; so I set off in what I thought was a westerly course, not that it mattered..

I hadn't gone even a quarter mile when the sound of a large engine motoring down and the squeal and hiss of air brakes right beside me made me jump a mile and turn around..

I don't know how I missed it's approach; but right next to me was a huge, red, double-decker bus with "Moe Train Bus Lines" painted on the side. A cartoon character of an slyly smiling Ocelot was painted below bright yellow lettering..

"You look as if you could use a ride stranger." Said what must of been the worlds' oddest bus-driver..And if you know bus drivers; that's saying something..

He had great tufts of spiky black hair sticking up everywhere rather like a hedgehog, a curiously round nose and a chin that really wasn't worth mentioning, since there wasn't one..

The strangest part of him though, were his eyes. One pointed off in one direction, while the other stared off the opposite way. That would have been bad enough; but they didn't stay that way..They were continually rolling back and forth before settling again in thier reverse cross-eyed place..

"Don't stand there looking like a fish waiting for a hook" he said "Moe is a busy man..Now all aboard the Moe Train!"

It took me a full second to stop watching those eyes long enough to realize that he had spoken again..Well, if I wasn't going anywhere I might as well ride instead of walk. Uncertainly I climbed up the steps and took a seat behind the driver..

"I'm looking for the UM Forum" I told him.."You know how to get there?"

"Ahh..UM. You'll be wanting SaRuMaN, then." Replied Moe..

Sure. Saruman..

"Yes, take me to SaRuMaN then, driver."

"Oh, Moe can't do that. Moe doesn't know where he is..The White Wizard is cunning they say; and walks all across Scotland in disguise."

Well, this is fun, I thought to myself. Trapped in a bus with a possible lunatic in a strange country with a destination that might not exist..

Rather than set the eye-roller off into an attack of mental health I decided to humor him..

"How about this then" I ventured "You keep driving and when I see something that looks like a lead to me, you can let me off.."

The seats were comfortable and the bus was warm as we took our little tour of the city. The only drawback being that I had to listen to the driver philosophize the entire way..

"Moe was once like you, you know. Always looking for a destination but never knowing where and never being happy when he found it..Now we have mellowed. We are a kung-fu chicken. We rotate also..Now we drive the bus and take others to where they don't really want to go."

It went on like this for a short eternity...

I noticed the buildings were getting dingier and the side streets were turning into alleys as we went..Bleak...

I was staring out the window tuning out ramblings when I saw it..


From an alley ahead came a small glimmer of light. Maybe nothing..


There it was again! just as we passed the alley. I could make a vague shape behind it out, before the brief light ceased.I don't know why; but it pulled at me..

"Stop here, Driver!" I said. Standing up so suddenly it shocked him into silence..

The bus ground to a halt and Moe opened the door..

"So, what do I owe you for the trip?" I asked..

"Oh the journey is free, my friend" Said Moe "the destination is where you'll surely do all the paying." He then closed his doors and slowly cruised away..

Whatever, spiky..

I headed to the mouth of the alley where the light had caught my eye. It didn't come again..

Tentatively, I took a step into the darkness..

"Hold it right there" Came a voice "I've got you covered."

Then came the all to familiar sound of pistol being racked..

End of part 2


The Case of the Missing Post..

The name's Falco..Rex Falco.

If you asked me what I did for a living I'd tell you I was a Private Dick. A lot of people who know me would argue I'm a dick in public too..

For those of you not up on colorful job descriptions, I'm a Private Eye...

It was a slow day at the office..It always is. Being located above a topless bar doesn't attract your better types of clients. The ones I do get are shifty eyed pervs who look like they won't pay..They do pay though. It's the ones in the suits and ties with the nice manners that you always end up having to take to court..

I was glad for the peace and quiet today though, since I was recovering from a wound..

I had six slugs in me. Five were Bourbon, but one was lead and lodged in my knee-cap. A momento of my last case..

Lately though, the only case I was involved with said Budweiser on the side and was sitting in the bottom draw of my filing cabinet..

I was just wondering if today was the day when the power company shut my lights off when "She" walked in..

You'd think with all the topless waitresses I see everytime I walked downstairs women would cease to fascinate me; but this one had my full attention..

She was a tall cool drink of water..Well, not literally; that would be freaky; but you get my drift..

She looked like an ex-cheerleader gone bad; and I mean bad in a good way..

"Are you Rex Falco?" she asked, with a southern drawl that could melt half an icecap with one sentence..

"That depends" I answered "Are you with a collection agency?" I'm nothing if not witty..

"No, silly" she replied "I need a detective. I've lost something valuable. It's a post."

"A post? Did you check your mailbox?" I wondered. The obvious is usually right in most cases..

"It's not that kind of post, sug. It's an internet message board post. I had a genuine picture of El Chupacabra..But when I posted it up it disappeared. I need you to find it for me. What are your rates?"

I told her..

"I can't possibly afford that! " she exclaimed. Or something to that effect; there was a lot of swearing in between the regular words..

"Don't worry, we'll work something out" I said "Lucky for you I'm short of work at the moment." Well, if a moment lasts for three years, it's true..

"So..Two questions then..What's your name, oh vision of loveliness?"

"Undefined Innocence" She breathed at me..

I had a feeling before all this was over I'd find that the definition of her innocence was that it was long gone; but I let it ride for now..

"Question two then. Where exactly did you lose this post? I'll need to go there and examine the scene for evidence of foul play."

"It was a place called The UM Discussion Forum. " She said. "It's located in Scotland."

Scotland. Great.

I'm a tough guy but I don't toss trees around for fun. I sensed this was gonna be trouble..

"Alright then Ms. Innocence. I'll catch a plane today..Meet me there whenever you can."

"It's a date, Mr. Detective." She giggled..Then as quick as she came into my life she was gone..

Out of pity for my readers here, I'll skip a long boring plane ride with descriptions of unattractive Stewardesses, watery drinks, and a speech about why a tiny bag of Honey Roasted Peanuts shouldn't be considered an in-flight meal..

Needless to say when I finally got to Glasgow I was extremely glad to be back on the ground..

It was time to go to work...

End of part one. original.gif


Wasting precious time

Hi there! I'm just here in my blog waiting til' I can clear enough quiet time to begin my first ever story in several parts, right here in this very blog!

It's going to be called "The case of the missing post" starring me of course; Rex Falco, Private Eye..

I probably shouldn't be wasting time and space though, should I? So let's call this; cutting a promo..Or building up dramatic tension..Ahhh, whatever; time wasting is good enough for me..


You want that fried?

So lately I have so much Spam in my Blog I could feed a whole squad of cheerleaders..so I'm setting this spot aside for "various..ahem" members to play in..Go ahead kids! Have fun, but keep it clean!! tongue.gif


A Woody I don't want..

Well, the title got your attention..

Now reach down and get your mind out of the gutter..We're going to talk about a cartoon..Not what you were thinking.. tongue.gif

It's a cartoon you never see anymore, probably with good reason; although it was on when I was younger..Woody Woodpecker.

If you've never seen it, let me explain the premise of almost every episode..

A walrus(or a dog, or an authority figure of some sort) is going along about their everyday business when they have the misfortune to run into Woody..

Woody wants something they have, so he takes it..He's a little like a cartoon crackhead that way..

Naturally they want it back. Cue explosions and cartoon violence..Until in the end Woody has what isn't rightfully his and his opponent is sorry they were ever born..

Now I've never been an advocate of television censorship, but this isn't a message we should send to our children; or even our adults; for that matter, and I'm glad this tripe is off the air..

But what it does do is make me think of all the real life Woody Woodpeckers' I've met. The people who will do or say anything as long as they get what they want in the end. There's a lot of them out there. Some may even be members of this forum. Some may be reading this now..

Well listen up Woody.....

This is real life here. Anvils don't drop out of the sky to help you...

And real guns fire real bullets..

Wake up call over,

Falco out! tongue.gif


El Matador

For some strange reason at work today we got into talking about bullfighting..That got me to thinking on the subject a bit. Perhaps if we're talking about Mexico maybe, or an American Spaniard learning his ancestors' craft; they may well accept you calling them a "Bullfighter."

But if you were to call a classically trained Spanish Matador that; he'd be very insulted. You might even find yourself in a fight..

You see, to the Matador, it's not a fight..The outcome is predetermined. The bull is already dead. It's his job to bring it there while dominating the whole way through..

He's an architect of what is ordained..And if he fails, he's failed fate itself and is less than nothing..

To some extent, that is me..

I am El Matador..When I argue with you on this board the outcome is not a question. I've already won before I've even started. My task is to bring you to the point where you realize that too..

And on the rare occasions I've failed..Well; I know how that "bullfighter" feels if he doesn't kill his bull..

The loss of honor is a palpable thing to me..

But it makes me all the greater in my fervency for engineering your defeat on our next go around.. devil.gif

Well, Sweet Dreams!


Nova Roma begins..

Hi all..

I'd thought I'd celebrate my new blog theme by telling you a story from the days of ancient Rome..

Much like Falco; the Romans loved thier birds; and not just to eat. They used them as a tool for reading divinations and omens of things to come. The Army even had it's own sacred chickens. Traditionally, before battle, the chickens were let out of thier cages and watched by priests. If they ate the ritual feed that was scattered before them hungrily and with gusto; the signs were pointing to a sure victory..If they pecked at it listlessly, you might want to pack up and fight another day..

So it was depressing to say the least; for Roman General Clodius Pulcher; when on the eve of a great battle he was confronted by chickens that refused to eat at all..

Surely delaying the fight was no way to make him the next big thing; he must have thought. We can imagine the contempt he must have felt for tired old religious ritual when you have at your command the most elite military force the world had ever seen..

So Clodius did something never done in all the history of the republic..

"If they will not eat; let them drink!" he exclaimed..

And had every last sacred chicken flung into the sea.. tongue.gif

I'd like to make this a story about one man's stand against fate. And the triumph of logic and confidence over stodgy ritual and dogma..

But Clodius lost the battle..

And he lost it badly..

I guess some stories just don't turn out the way they should. do they? huh.gif


Uppity Irrelevance?

So I'm human, with all that entails, alright?

Every once in awhile this board slows down, new topics are rare and you find you've debated everything at least 5 times. So I take an occasional month or so off to recharge my UM battery..

I had hoped upon my return I would find my beloved Uppity annoyance a strong and wise prescence on the boards. There was really no reason to think otherwise..

But this time was different. I've returned to a vast sea of off-topic time-wasters; random lunatics and general layabouts..

There are exceptions of course, and you know who you are, so don't all be offended...But I wonder what happened to the vision I held so dear; and the ideal that was shared by all of us together at the beginning?

Too many people it seems, just want to own the title but want to do absolutely nothing to earn it. In doing so they cheapen the group they wanted to belong to so badly. And that's where we are today I guess..


We have done something special and lasting here. something that had never happened before...We made the believers question. We also made them sharpen thier wits and posting skills considerably..No longer can someone just come on here and make some outrageous claim and expect some head nodding and pats on the back. And even fellow believers will now turn on someone who ignorantly disregards basic grammar or writes solely in text-speak..This board has become a far more intelligent place for discussion...

To quote the Mighty Moe.."No need to thank us!"

And lest you hopefully look forward to this entry as a final farewell to Uppity Annoyance; think again..

As long as I exist the Dark Lords will never truly be gone. The Dread Knights of Uppity are growing in numbers every day. We will make ourselves great again or burn down the house and rebuild from the ashes..

Spring cleaning is coming..


A return to sycophancy

Hi everyone! Once again I'm back to cause civil unrest and feelings of intestinal distress, along with bloating and cramps..

I'm setting aside this special little space for various UM members to adore me for no good reason at all! So give me your love, support and undying loyalty here!!

It's the right thing to do, and you know you want to anyway.. yes.gif


Hope is..

Hope is the thing with feathers. So wrote Emily Dickenson. It was a rather positive sentiment from such a dark and gloomy lady, and unusual for her.

And yet I can't argue with her at all..

A year ago I put up a bird feeder on our deck. It's amazing how such a simple thing could capture my interest for so long; but everyday I find myself staring at a long line of hungry little birds flitting back and forth. They command my attention in a way little else can. You see, birds are perfection in design and performance. They are perfectly adapted to do everything they are supposed to, they're the living personification of evolution turning out as it should. It brings me comfort to know such things exist and it's no surprise Darwin found his way watching them in action. That's always been enough to keep my interest..

But 2 weeks ago it got even better. As I was filling the feeder a Chickadee who apparently couldn't wait flew in and grabbed a seed from the scoop I was using for seeds. Far from being shy he took his time selecting which one he wanted before flying off. Entranced, I put some seeds in my hand and held it out for a bit. Amazingly another one landed right in my palm for his free meal, and then another after that one had left. Since then I've found that whenever I go out with a handful of seed I'm almost guaranteed a personal visit..

Now I know that these birds don't love me. They aren't my little buddies, and they don't want to hang. They just want to freeload a meal. But the fact is, I find it wonderful and heartwarming that they're not frightened of me, and that brings me joy..

Hope with feathers indeed..


Ask Falco: The Revenge

Because I don't feel original. I'm going to do the same thing again. Also I wanted to bump this back on to page 1, as I'm an attention ho... thumbsup.gif

So to start off I'm going to answer my last two questions from part the firste..

Janiel..It's a well known fact that only Coke is served on the 23rd Cieling. Sorry Guy. But if you go up one level to the 24th they have Pepsi galore. They also serve Gin and Tonic, Fruit Smoothies, and Mountain Dew. Unfortunately it's owned by young Republicans who'd never dream of serving a guy who's worn a dress; even as a joke. I've got you covered though. Go around back and ask for Giacomo, he'll hook you up..

Subby..To answer your question took some work. I found a man suffering in the advanced stages of Leprosy..Hansens' Disease if you're some kind of doctor. I then sent him on a camping trip to Yellowstone National Park armed only with a tape recorder and a smile. Unfortunately he was eaten by bears on his first day. Luckily before he was; his hand did indeed fall off while the recorder was running. I'm pleased to announce it does indeed make a sound. It was a bit like a chicken walking on a bagpipe type of sound; if you know what I mean..

Hope that cleared everything up! cool.gif