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A man awake

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Seeker79's Blog and his travels

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White Crane Feather

You cannot hide from yourself ---sleep paralysis--

Strange encounter with sp last night. Funny how the mind works. It seems since I have given up fear for myself the old lizard brain has switch to my fear for others.

It started off as a dream. My wife and I were watching out for this little Indian boy. For some reason I was turning into something evil. I told her to take the boy and run. She left but we struggled at the door because she would not take him and we both were insistent.

I don't know what happened next but I'm in bed. And I am turning into this thing with whip bollo like arms and long narrow eyes. I am not lucid at all. But I am terrified for the boy that I know is in the room with me. I want him to flee so bad. I'm trying desperately to turn my head and yell at him to leave so he dosn't get hurt, but of course I can't move. Finally gathering all my strength I turn my head. ---poof--- I turn my head and am fully awake and lucid. If I had been lucid and not caught up in the dream scenario, I could have easily taken control.

Interesting since I am no longer capable of fearing for myself, my worst fears in life are that I could harm Somone. I'm a lifelong martial artist ( I own a school). The worst of which of course would be a child.

The dream contained elements of several images and conflicts that I'm dealing with. 1) the Indian boy I recognize now as one of my teenage employees little brother. She brings him because my school is a safe environment and she has workaholic parents and pretty much acts as his mother. I don't want him there all day, but it's a better option for him than home, so I don't mind.

2) the bolo arms. I have been watching "the legend of kora" with my kids. Lots of bad guys with bolos.

3) my one year old sleeps with us a lot. I'm always worried that I might roll over on him and hurt him, and in the old days I was capable of striking out at something while asleep.

4) although I don't believe it for a nanosecond I have been having lots of arguments with the religious who believe my spirit guides are demons and I am being manipulated. Like I said its all poppycock, but that dosnt mean that the idea dosnt get a workout in my dreams.

What intrigues me is this switch of sleep paralysis. It's almost like it has evolved along with me... After all this time, it is still capable of finding that which scares me the most.

Oh well a new opportunity to grow I guess. It seems that no matter who you are or what you can do, you cannot hide from yourself.

White Crane Feather

Wow! What a night!

What a night!!!!!

I was up a little late watching some television, some science program on fusion. My wife is running the CIM today, so I knew I had to be up early to drive her there, so i decided not to sleep in my bed because the baby kicks me all night, and I wouldn't sleep.

I have been feeling a little off kilter lately. Not sure why? I'm having problems getting back into the kind of shape I was before the knee injury and my motivation has been sapped.  I have to be at the elementary school 4 times a day for drop off and pic up of my two boys. It breaks the day up to where it seems like I can't get anything done. Anyway the point is that I have not been feeling like myself. I still dream every night all night I remember most when I wake up, but I forget if I don't write them now. There really is no point anymore It would just be volumes of writing every day.

 I haven't really taken any  journeys lately. Just don't see the need to. I have done so much OOB now, and I feel god with me all the time, so the spirit search is really over. My questions are answered to my satisfaction. 

Tonight was different. I wanted to confront this creeping melancholy I have been feeling. 

Vibrations came quickly. There was no reason to rush an exit, I have pretty much mastered this state now so I just let them course through me. They are so pleasurable now. It's like my entire body being caressed by energy. Finally I exit.... But wait I'm out but part of me is still stuck in, I can feel my body pulling back at me. I couldn't figure out what's wrong. I look back at myself on the sofa and use the force of my will to make my body let go. It gives in but reluctantly.

Crap!!! I'm then zinging around the room in uncontrolled spins. I have been through this before a long time ago... It shouldn't be happening. I don't have my head on straight. This is this slump. I'm manifesting It in my altered state control. I yell STOP!!!!!!

It did. I'm kneeling on my floor. Something is terribly wrong!  I feel it. The presence. My shadow. It's back. It's testing me. I knew it could never truly go away, and deep inside I knew it pops up for everyone now and then. The sickening fear wants to well up in me. If I succumb to it I will come to back in my body in sleep paralysis.  I know better. I have walked dozens and dozens of people through these encounters before. 

If I were someone else I  might believe a NEG or a demon was upon me, but I don't buy it for a second. It's me. Its my shadow. The animal part of myself. 

I give a quick thanks to Carl Jung and stand up to face it. The fear is still there but I let if flow through me and not get stuck. I wish I can explain it better than that. It would be awesome to teach others, but how possibly can one describe such a thing. 

I find it in the dark part of the hallway. It's standing there man like with it's head distorted. I can't make out any features. I don't say it but I think the words ---hello old friend---. 

Then I walk into the hallway.  

I stand maybe three feet in front of it. It's dark, so it's mostly a silhouette but it's features are distorted. This is the moment in the horror film that everyone is telling the dumb idiot standing in front of the creature to run. 

I wait a few moments then I say "well how are we going to do this" just as I say that it opens up its head like some sort of crazy alien movie or the leviathans on a Supernatural episode. It shocked me a bit at the Hollywood nature of it, but I barely hesitated. I threw my fist right down the to the back of its throat. When I made contact i grabbed probably something like a spine. I spun my hip into it and rotated lifting my right leg. ( a spring hip Judo throw... My favorite). It went over, but I felt this massive pressure in my arm. I did shove it down it's gullet full of massively sharp teeth... But I am well aware that those are not real teeth and this is not my real arm. What power that gives me. 

I have fully mounted it, and I am now squeezing the life out of it. I will not let go of its "spine". I crush with my bare "hands". I feel it's energy dissipate. I feel my shadow... The animal part of myself slide up my arm and settle deep inside of me were it should be. 

I then come to back in body..... God that feels good. It's literally like feeling lighter. All those negative feelings of late evaporated. I'm not totally normal yet though. As I look up at the ceiling, I can see these blue energetic currents like lightning running through everything. Cool. I watch them for a bit until they dissipate and I'm normal .  I chuckle a bit in sort of a sympathetic thought. Those poor people that think those things are real demons. I feel so bad for the them and the fear they must live with. I vowed to never stop educating people about this....ever.

I then reinitiate vibrations and exit again. I'm standing in my living room completely in control again. 

I simply zoom out of the house in flight and over my neighborhood. There is a big storm going on right now, so I fly straight up into the night. I go to the stars. I feel cleansed by them. I just go. I fly to different stars. I accelerate to extreme speeds and fly to a different galaxy.  I dive straight for its galactic core, and then there is some sort of phase shift. I'm in some kind of state that I cannot comprehend. Not worried or nervous, but it's just a mess of colors and noises. Where ever I'm at now, I may not have the framework to understand. I eventually bring myself back.

I fall asleep after and have some awesome lucid dreams. One was where I am Kiano Reves  and some annoying agent is walking with me. Being fully lucid now i keep moving stuff in his way. Then Finally I just make him go away. I then for fun float a suv and launch it into space. Then I manifest a phone in my hand.

And create an loud voice in my dream  world. " attention, this is my brain and here i am the ruler of the world. ( i know silly and a bit childish, but at the time it seemed funny) I mess around with odd super powers a little bit. Mostly like telekinesis and manifesting objects. I also create a person, but I did not get her quite right. She looked a little funny.

I spend the rest of the night fading in and out of different dreams. At some point I dreamt my kids came downstairs and hugged me. Afterwords I was a little disturbed because I was having difficulty distinguishing the dream world from the real one. At one point I was so lucid I was fully asleep but I knew I was asleep. I could just lay there asleep but aware at the same time. A very strange state. Not dreaming but fully aware but also sleeping. I guess you could call it dreaming that you are sleeping.

That was my night. I don't feel tired or anything so my rem cycle must be ok with all this.

White Crane Feather

Worlds of myst and a black cat.

Last night, I took a little journey.

Initiated vibrations about 11 pm. It was interesting because my control over the different states is becoming very precise. I was able to bring myself down and back up again consciously through different levels of conciousness. There are the vibratory stages. Different places along that corolate to different intensities along with the white noises. I have also noticed that other noises change aswell slowing down and changing pitch. My baby is sick right now with croup so a cool humidifier is running. My wife has it pointed at our bed so there is this movie like myst that floats around us. The bubbling sound it makes I found I could speed up or slow down. The myst that floats around us gives a very magical feeling mixed with the breathing of my wife and baby. I can leave my eyes partially when drifting into the I between places now, so I let the myst take form. I opened up and surrendered my self to the sacred water to see what I might learn.

At first the myst just floated around me, but then as I let myself dive deeper into its form. Things started to take shape. People, buildings, and different random things would form out if the myst. I seemed to be floating through different scenarios and places. A couple arguing in an Asian language, a European woman talking on her cell phone, some kids playing soccer. I watch the shifting around for a bit fascinated, then directed things a bit more. I thought of my other boys asleep in the other room and there sleeping faces formed out if the white myst. I reached out with my hand ( spirit body) and touched the image. The myst swirled and dispursed a bit, then reformed. I felt so very blessed at that moment. What a magical life I have. How many people get to experience these sorts of things? Weather it's all in my head or something much more, it's simply incredible to whiteness. I was wishing my wife could see this, then her face formed from the vapor aswell. Her sharp beutiful Asian features, even though she is right next to me in bed, came into focus right in front of me. I then checked on my sisters. One was doing something probably in a kitchen, and the other sleeping. Then my nephews, one playing video games, the other on his computer. My niece was talking to someone.

As fun as the myst was I let it my body float up and land on the floor. I thought for a few moments about the myst, and that I may have just discovered scrying for myself. Then I took a flying leap through my walls and arched up into the air. I smiled at my oak trees as I passed and marveled at the feel of the cool air on my 'skin'.

I took some playful twists as I shot straight up through the upper atmosphere and into space. The star field Opened up as beautiful as ever. I raised my 'hands' to the stars and profusely thanked the universe. I closed my eyes and allowed myself to feel the tingle of warmth from the starlight on my 'face' and 'hands'. When I was finished my worship of the the universe and great spirit, I let myself fall back as if gravity had me. I fell back toward earth, I took notice of the full moon then spun into a nose dive.

I landed back in front of my house. Then I noticed something moving down in the court. I walked over to investigate. It was a cat in my neighbors yard. A black cat. I walked over and started to pet it. It purred and returned my affection. The cat would distort a bit when it turned its head or moved. This ment to me that this was not a cat. It was a spirit. It had a strangely familiar energy. Like I have known this personality for a very long time. Still the fur and purring was comforting. Then I said. " so good to see you again, whoever you are"

The cat responded by running its face into my hands.

I sat there petting it for a few minutes, then I let it meander off. I was still wondering who she was. A very distinct loveing feminine energy. I have known this spirit very well, I am just unable to put her into context. I don't know Mabey that's apart of what she is...... Sort of half jokeing to myself, I though Mabey that's why they call black cats "familures".

At this point things have grown dark and I'm becoming aware of the physical. My baby is coughing and starting to whine a bit, it's probably what broke my trance. I reach over and put my hands in his to remind him that I'm there in the dark. The covers have a slight dampness to them from the humidifier/myst machine.

Strange visions tonight. Scrying, black cats, a full moon. A very sterio typical Wiccan themed set of events. I suspect I will see that cat again, she is here in that form for a reason. I suppose I will be using myst in the future to check on people aswell. It's all very new to me, but somehow I have the feeling that it's been done for ages, by my ancestors.

White Crane Feather

World awakening?

So lately I have had many many people contacting me about their altered state experiences. A ton of them are people that came to me in years passed and I taught them to overcome their fears and to take back control of their altered states. Some are successful some are not. The ones that are not successful are reaching a new ferver in their altered states. One young man is starting to see glowing symbols in his walls, but the shadow people are gone. It's happening at such a high rate all over the place I can't help but wonder what's happening. I'm not a believer in the 2012 stuff, but I cannot deni the activity this year.

White Crane Feather

Witch attack

Last night me and the boys were playing downstairs and they fell asleep on the sofa. I fell asleep on the floor right in front of them.

Quit suddenly I woke up to this loud cackling noise. A quick look and there are all these stero typical looking witches surrounding us cackling. I leap to my feet, now realizing I'm either dreaming or OOB. They have no eyes.

I raise my hands and flood the room with white light dispersing them. Then I walk around the house a bit floodeding every corner of the house with light. Then I go back and wake up.

Eyeless old evil things almost always is an omen of a flue. Now one of the boys just got over one, but These things were different. Glad I have been dosing on vitamin c. I did not like that sound and previous eyeless entities were more like zombies. These things were more animated. We will see, I have stocked up on children's Advil, garlic, ginger, musterd, and chicken bullion cubes. Let the good times roll.

White Crane Feather

White light

Vision log

August 13th 2011

Short journey this morning. I initiated vibration. It took a While, but eventually fairly strong vibrations kicked in along with the rushing noises.

Upon exit, i considered a reality check but didn't, I knew I was out. 

For some reason I could feel that I did not have a lot of time. I started going around the house checking everyone. 

1st it was my five year old. I reach in and let my hand merge with his body. I let my awareness spread in him. I could feel and understand his entire body.

Systematically I did this to everyone in the house when I got to my wife I did a quality check. I stoped for a second to take in the quality of he environment. I do this becUae sometimes journeys are fuzzy. But if you I do a quality of reality check I remember at that time what it felt like.

The quality was Chrystal clear. even better than normal reality. I was actually shocked at how clear everything is . It never ceases to amaze me. 

After I finish checking everyone I go to my moms room. For some reason, I know she dosnt want me in there. She is aware of my traving. So I try something else. I stick my arm in the door and I let my awareness spread into to the room. It is really so very very amazing. Its like I can literally feel everything at the same time.... Even the insides of things. Even the little buzzing electronic components of her clock and the fluffy interior of her matress. I did not find her though. As an experiment I continue focusing on her but I consolidate my awareness and send it looking for her. I let it just go on it's own it moves around a bit then locates her outside. My awareness zooms in on her. Strange being outside I thought.

After that is finished, I decide to do one last experiment and training.  I close my eyes and start thinking of some of the negative Imagry in my recent dreams..... Just as I had planned. I open my eyes and instantly a flood of white light is disintegrating everything me included I can feel those warm pleasant vibrations rush over me as I reintegrate.

I love the feeling of ending a journy on purpose and opening my eyes. Its just an opening of the eyes, a shift in awareness. It does not feel like wakeing up because it isn't. In a lot of ways it is more like falling back asleep. Sitting up I herd my mom come in from outside. She was smokeing a cigerate

I was very pleased that the white light program against negativity is in place. I had not even really started meditating on this antinegative program yet. I just chose to do it. Time will tell in negative dreams.

I was very pleased with the skill of merging my awareness. I have not had an opportunity to really test it like that.

If only I could master this awareness thing while not in an altered state or with duel concousness state. I cant imagine. I might be able to locate people or diagnose health issues.

White Crane Feather

When do we become cowardly?

Last night I dreamed that I was out for a night on the town with a friend. He was a thin East Indian guy a little younger than me. It was fun. We visited a few places while he looked for girls. Being married, I was the wing man.

Anyway, I teach martial arts and have been a martial artists for nearly 30 years. I own a martial arts school. The mind of a life long martial artist is full of confidence if not a tad of arrogance ;). Having been a full contact competitor in kickboxing, MMA, and pancration, physical combat dosn't really bother me... Or does it? The male mind is full of day dreams of saving people from terrorists, what if scenarios in some sort of robbery or home invasion. All martial artists day dream about these things. It's just in our nature. A natural outcropping is I have found myself in a number of situations because I have always felt like it was my responsibility to help when I can, and a youthful arrogance in the past has put me in some hot water. But every single time, I knew I could handle it.

The dream

Well we ended up stopping at this gas station. The attendant was a beautiful Asian girl. I was happy for my friend because she was smiling and flirting with him. I stayed in the car. He had a tank of propane or something the he needed to get filled, so they went out together. The large propane tank was at the other end of a large parking lot. There were filling it together talking and smiling. Then he left her there and walked back into the store. I was just waiting, but then three very large an muscular men ride their bicycles up to her. I knew right away something was wrong. Her expression turned to fear. I saw her sort of try to move away but they were off their bikes blocking her path. I felt an urge to jump up and intervene, buy analysis of the situation told me that I did not stand a chance. I am mr. Native American ninja, but the reality of combat is that I simply could not possibly take all these guys by myself and my skinny Indian friend could be of no use.

The soon had her by the arm and was leading her into the store where my friend was. I was still struggling with how exactly to react. I had my cell phone, so I started dialing for police. But still their path took them by the car.

If they discovered me, I was not going to be able to stop them and would become part of the mess. I slinked down in my seat so that they miss me. I felt an upwelling if fear because I knew this was going to be nasty. I was still dialing 911but my phone was not working. I let them pass feeling so very ashamed of myself. What happened to all those heroic actions in my day dreams? What happened to the unstoppable force for good that I imagined myself to be? Here I was cowering in a car hoping to not be seen while a young woman was lead away to god knows what and leaving my defenseless friend to deal with it.

Tactically I knew I was making the right decision, I knew I could not stop this, and if I could not go for help no one would. I was not lucid, so I was under the impression this was all real. Still I felt horribly cowardly to the pit of my stomach. I always considered myself the kind of person ready to face any odds for people. Obviously that layer of my ego has been stripped. Actions speak much louder than thoughts, words, or plans.

After they entered the store I frantically ran to a nearby business to call the police. When I finally got them on the phone, I woke up.

I have to say I feel terrible. I know it was a dream and no one got hurt, but I am so very disappointed in myself. I also know that my actions were tactically sound, but I can't shake my cowardice. I was not the person that thought I was in that dream.

I have had nightmares and things before but on occasion I have these ego deflating dreams, and they are the worst.

I suppose its another lesson or maybe a preparation so that I act in line with my values and I know the terrible personal consequences if I don't. I do not want to ever feel the way I do right now. The guilt would be unbearable if it were real and people were hurt.

I can only thank god for giving me the truth. hopefully I can be the person that I want to be should the occasion arise. Or if I had to behave that way to be as tactically effective as possible, hopefully I would be ok with myself.

Thanks for listening.

White Crane Feather

What a blessing.

Thanks giving was yesterday. For some strange reason I got really tired early in the day. I went upstairs to take a nap. I woke up. And there was a red bump on my left hand and some on my Rib's that were itchy. I recognized a histamine reaction. I thought Maybe something bit me, so I took an anti histamine. But It wiped me out during all the company. My in laws were left, then they noticed this pattern that developed on my right arm. Hives had taken over my right arm and formed these fractal like patterns. It had been four hours so I took another round of anti histamine.

It knocked me out. I went to bed very early. I dreamt of fishing with my uncle and father ( both deceased) almost all night. I woke up, but I was so tired. The pattern hives went away but new blotches up my arm. I took another round of histamines... I was so tired. I slept half the day. I finally got up at took the boys fishing. I have never been allergic to anything. the splotching are fading now without the antihistamines. I have never been allergic to anything in my life.

The patterns blew everyone away. They were perfect flame like patterns on my arm. The in laws insisted I go to the doctor, but nothing was swelling and we live about 4 blocks from an emergency room. I wasnt really worried. Despite from feeling tired, I felt fine.

Strange couple of days.

White Crane Feather

Well.... I probably will never try that again.

Well I have to say this is not for the feint of heart. I have not written in my journal yet.... I'm stil digesting what I just did.

Long story short in some meditations this night, morning whatever it is, In my persuit of duel concousness and the little bit of recent encouragement. I ran across something that no one should attempt unless you are fully prepared to face your animal self. I have been at at this for a while and I am still not totally sure if it was for better or worse.

I managed to slip myself into sort of a fully lucid hypnogogia. I had full motor function but in a complete altered state. It was voluntary. I was holding this state on purpose but I had never been here before, so I was curious.

Let's just say that the fearful animal inside of the Human mind is a powerful force. I felt the old dread presence... But not being out of body I had nothing to face. I decided to explore a bit. Television was hell. Every face contorted and changed in some way that just made everything look evil. Only children's faces did not. Knowing I was in an altered state I tried very hard to control it... But they all had some sort of horrendous plot against me. I almost ended the whole thing, but I was not going to leave things like that. "Never stop practice because a bad fall"

I maintained the walking meditation while I went to the bathroom. I cant explained it accurately, but I could hear everything.... Every tiny movement of my sweat shirt, my feet, the television. I thought I could hear my kids moving around upstairs. Cars somewhere outside, wind, the buzz of the lights. Everything.... it was maddening... And it was all out to get me!!!!! I did not end it or react out of sheer stuburness. I knew that my animal self that part of us that comes from some sort of rodent in our evolutionary past was rearing it's head. I refused to let it win.

When I was finished with the longest pee of my life,

( that's how you know im not a liar.... Who else would maintain a hellish Altered state while taking a p*** just to proove something to himself )

I looked up. I had been keeping my head down because I knew something was in the mirror... Me.. I know what mirrors do to a lot of people in altered states. I had to reconcile that had been avoiding facing my mirror image. ( I know Somone is going to go all Freudian on er... But this is more basic than that...)

Sure enough my face was evil and contorted. Like some horror movie.... But on subtle ways that seemed to change all the time. Again like the person in the mirror had a horror plot against me.

Again I almost ended it. But I wanted to beat this. I continued starring at myself wrestling with it. I wanted to force it into being normal. I don't know how long I stood there. I could still hear everything in the house. I could swear my kids were running around uptstairs.

It was not until I gave up and whispered harshly " fine! I dont give a ****!" then my face snapped back. It was bright, flushed, wonderful.... I'm not a vain person at all with my looks I consider myself average, but for the first time in my life i looked awesome. I liked everything I saw. Except that my pupils had grown to nearly replace my irises. It looked like I was on drugs ( I do not do drugs). I was still altered. I ended up walking ouside. I had to hold my hand out to keep focus and hold all the demonic things I was conjuring from every shadow. I had to resist the Urg to yell at them.... Yelling at invisible creatures in my side yard is sure to finish me off on the crazy list. At least I was doing this to myself on purpose. I did not want it to stop because I was afraid. I wanted to end it on my own terms. I did. But it took a while twice I almost freaked and ended the altered state. It was not as difficult as AP to hold. I can't explain it.. Like a different corodoor of the mind turning left instead of right.

After pacing back end forth for a while, I was able to get rid of most of the anxiety. When I felt like I had control ( barely) I went back into the house. I checked myself one more time in the mirror... Still good... I closed my eyes and brought myself out of trance. All the noises faded, my pupils stayed dialated for a while. I felt like I was going to explode with energy. Like restless leg syndrome all over my body..... And I vowed to never do that again. Im pushing a little to close schitzo for my comfort level... It's time to take a break.

Do not attempt this!!!!!!

I am well prepaired but I am done with this. Bringing your full animal self out while maintaining body functions is a risky move. It was quite a shocked... I'm still not fully recovered. Adrenaline was coursing through me like a drug and I puked not long after. There is even a linger of that problem looking at faces. But also people look so much better looking even guys now that I know what they can look like.

I have herd of some hindus and shaman Persuing things like this... But for me I don't see the point at this point other than to proove to myself I have mastered those awful irrational fears.

Wooooo

That was a doozy I'm going to have to sit on that one a long time. Come to find out my wife did not sleep a wink either.... My kids and baby actually were waking up all night. I was really hearing them run around. There seems to be disturbance in everyone's sleep when I go off the deep end. I will not do anything like this at home ever again. I will never do this one again at all.

Don't play with this one folks I could easily see Somone crossing lines hear. I think I may have.

White Crane Feather

Visitation.

Last night I awoke with vibrations coursing through my body. I open my eyes but closed them again because I knew Somone was there. I completed the transition to an altered state of consciousness. There she was standing at the foot of my bed, a woman in her latr 40s. I sat up ( obe) and asked what she wanted.

She said that something was wrong with her stomach and she thought that I could help.

I moved to her and said "let me see". I put my hands into her abdomen. I could tell that her insides were rotten. She was dead.

I pulled my hands out and said I'm sorry but I think you are dead.

She did not like that answer. She started to get angry and she lashed at me. I already had my will sheild up. It blocked her anger.

I said I'm sorry, I don't know what else to do. Then I reached out and banished her with a blast of white light.

Then I shot through the ceiling up into the clouds and floated there for a moment. I felt unnerved. Floating in the cloudy darkness I surendured my self to the earth and I let gravity act in me and I fell back into the earth. I went through the ground and let the mother just surround me until I started to feel the warmth of deep inside of her. Then I was back in my body.

I got up went to the mirror. And just looked at myself. I thought ----really You are a suburbon American dad that owns a martial arts school and you see dead people like in the movies.... Really!!!?---

It's nights like this that I do wish that I am simply a powerful dreamer. I do not want to be visited be dead ladies that can't accept that they are dead. I It's to Hollywoodish. What am I supposed to do about it anyway? I hope she dosnt come back. This morning I smudged the house just because it made me feel better.

Thanks for reading, sharing it is therapy for me, nobody else in my life will ever hear about some of these things.

White Crane Feather

Visit by an old.... Not friend

A few nights ago me and Ms. Old hag of sleep paralysis did a round of a little altered state cage fighting on my wall..... Yup I said it on my wall.

It started with me sitting up recognizing something was odd. Then I quickly realized I was OOB. Yet something was pulling me off the bed. I have been through this before, so I simply was amused at what ever had grabbed my leg and was pulling on me. I looked but I couldn't see anything. I looked around the room but nothing. As I sat up on the edge of the bes with my feet dangling off the pulling stoped.

I said " What?.... Do you want me to be afraid? I'm not 8 anymore. You are going to have to do better than that."

I dangled my feet off the bed challenging any kind of cheesy horror movie occurances. Although I know now or i guess i have always known where kids get this stuff. Weather it's an entity or the entity of ourselves in a deep collective conciousness archetype playing off fears, it knows how to get a reaction. It has in ancient Navajo ledgends to ancient Chinese manuscripts to us today. . it's been at this game for a very long time.

I looked around a bit then layed back in my body all the whike knowing this wasn't over yet. I opened my eyes and then closed them again and went back into an altered state on purpose. I wanted to get it over with and go back the the other worlds of dreams I have.

As soon as I was altered I felt her. She was under the blankets with me crawling up my body. I know this sounds unbearably creepy to others, but honestly Im amused by things like this now. It's a bit of a game for me. I almost enjoy it like watching a good horror movie. I have battled and faught with so many things in my dreams and these particular scenarios so many times its almost run of the mill.

When she was on top of me and poking her head out of the covers, I could see her badly contorted face right next to mine. Still I was not afraid. Just a little annoyed. I told her " space ..you better give me some space".

She diddint, she started to do something with her hands, but I did not let her. I locked my legs around her in a jujitsu guard and dug my fingers into her ribs. Then with my will I flung both of us up into the air and I pinned her on my wall as if the wall were the floor.

Thinking perfectly clear and logical I thought this would be a great opportunity to study the infamous "Old Hag". My hands were dug into her and glowing thru her body slightly. She put up a resistance but she was no match for me. I took one hand out and grabbed her face and locked eyes with her. Nothing there. Just emptiness. Not emptiness like in a clique evil way.... I mean nothing. There is no soul in her. I felt like I was messing around with a stuffed animal. No more interesting or scary than a teddy bear.

I said "come on really?.... Nothing?"

I then let the white fire in my hands exsplod into her/it until it was gone.

I laied on my wall for a second contemplating. It certainly does not seem like a real entity to me. At least not an intelligent one. Maybe a mindless parasite of some sort? I don't know.... But anyone reading this haveing a problem with this thing needs to know its harmless, though I suppose that that is a lesson earned and cannot be given.

What a strange and wacky life I live.

White Crane Feather

Vision log feb 20 2011

Vision log

Feb 20th 2011

Initiated vibrations this morning. Upon exit I could tell something was off. Not quite sure, but my mind was not as focused as it should be. It had been a rough day before and my mind was still clouded with some earlyer stress. I could tell that it was going to be short. I decided to take the time for experementation. I started to fly up to my bed room to float through the ceiling into the upstairs...... I couldn't. I tried twice and I would get halfway through then bounce back. Then I lost control and started bounce around the room. Dam! I thought I had grown out of this. Instead of fighting the loss of control. I decided to take control of the motion. I ended up flying in a high speed circle around my living room with my vision oriented toward the center of the room. Odd it was very fast, but my vision was clear. At this speed I would expect things to be a bit blury. 

I managed to land and regain control of myself. Then I decided to walk upstaires the normal way. One of my last journies I was able to reach into my sister in law. I had the sensation of touching her even on the Inside aswell as the out but the sensation was spreading to cover more and more of her. I could feel every inch of her external body parts, hardness of bones, stifness of tendons, squishyness of organs. I was afraid to mention this on the forums. It's hard for me to beleive these things sometimes, so if I'm still working through it, I don't like to post it.

Anyway. I get upstairs and try the same thing with my wife. I reach into her, and my awareness starts to spread in her. But again it only gets so far then I end up back in my body. Dam!

An interesting note and story. When I was going through the shamanic crisis , and I first learned of it and the similarities in my experiences, I contacted this shaman that was gaining some popularity on the Internet. He was resonsive at first through email and mentioned he was doing some healing work wih something called embrionoc blood. I'm assuming in the spirit world. He then became unresponsive. And I never herd from him again. So I guess I came to

Associate this idea of deep blood as an aspect of shamanic healing. Because the plaidies spirit gave me a blood red orb, I assumed it was healing related. That's what led me to try it on my sister in law, although this contimplation and my awareness of this sequence is after the fact. The whole red orb scenerio was a trigger to get me to discover this other person body awareness. I'm sure of it now! No red orb needed but it was just enough to get me to discover this. It never ceases to amaze me how far back these things go. The great spirit realy does have a plan. Maby there is no plaiadies spirit at all and it is all God....just using the stars to get my attention. I'm in constant awe and humuility. Interconnectedness is truely a powerful aspect of all of this.

White Crane Feather

Two hours this morning

After getting the kids off to school and my little one to day care, spent an hour in sitting meditations this morning, then an hour in prone OBE style relaxation.

The first hour was simple empty mind meditations clearing myself. The second hour was highly productive OBE training.

It did not take long for me to reach vibrations and exits. I spent some time messing with arms and slightly opening my eyes while altered. I could feel myself wave my astral hands in front of my face yet not see them. I played with different body parts exploring the duality between the two sets of extremities. It might seem common sense once you think about it, but to really check on it is a profound revelation. The feeling of your body movieing does not come from your body movieing. It in itself is a projection. A creation. When you are movieing your body in physical life you are sensing the movement because it is movieing, you are creating the sensation to go with the movement. This revelation and understanding from an experimental basis has huge implications. We are not experiencing our environments we are indeed creating them based off ingrained expectations. I experimented with this for at least 20 minutes.

Then I sat up while OOB. I searched the room for something small to test. My wife left an iron on the top of the bedroom entertainment center. I got up from the bed OOB then moved to the side of the room. I stayed here but I took control of my physical body and opened my eyes. It's was hard, but I managed. Now I was looking at the iron from two differen perspectives simultaneously. I looked to where my non physical perspective was at, but I could see nothing, then I looked to my physical perspective and I could see myself lying there looking at me which my eyes half open. A bit creepy actually but only from the no physical perspective.

I looked back at the iron. I raised my physical arm and tried to move the image. Nothing. I raised my non physical arm and did it at the same nothing. Then from both perspectives I tried to alter the environment like a lucid dream. A peculiar thing happened. Reality started takeing snap shots like a high speed camara. I could move it, but I hade to move everything with it. It's hard to exsplain.

After that I exited totally and spent some time flying around the yard. I dove through the wall, then back through the ceiling. Then I heard voices. Kids voices. My 6 year old. But he was at school. "Look their eyes are popping out." A strange thing to say, but if you know my six year old... Not that strange... He is the.. Well.. Potty humor kid of the group.

I came back, but initiated another exit. A spirit guide joined me this time. She was behind me guiding my hands along the walls, carlet, and other things explaining to me the true nature of sensations. We don't sense them, we create the sensations. Fundamentally it's all a creation. It exists because we allow it to exist and we sense it because we choose and expect to sense it. She asked me to change the sensation of the wall to the carpet at will. I did. I could sense the texture o the carpet without touching it. She lifted me up to the sky light to sense the warmth of the plastic. She had me turn it to coolness. I did. I created it.

"That's enough for now". She laid me on my bed like a child and kissed my forehead as if tucking a child in. "You have something to discover."

I did. After milling around the house for a bit I went out to check on our new baby rabbits. It was a bit chilly. I decided to use what I had learned in these lessons. I closed my eyes and grabbed on to a bit of warmth from the sun and used I as a base for my creation. I expanded the warmth around my body, and the cold was taken away. It works in normal reality... Awesome!!!!

I knew it might rain and I had a separate cage with the bigger male rabit in it. I put the cage itself into to the hutch with our baby giant Flemish because I did not have a hutch for him yet. He was separated from them. I did not realize the they could fit under the bottom. The larger rabit stomped both of them to death, and yes their "eyes were popping out". I was heart broken, so will be my boys when I pick them up from school in about a half an hour. Rest in peice softy and fluffy. I'm sorry I was not more observant.

White Crane Feather

Trapped in time, battle comeing, writing to my wife.

Well I'm going to make this short. I could sit here all morning writing about all that happened, but I have other things to do.

I have just awoken from one of those fantastically detailed movie dreams that I have. My dream awareness is incredible. These dreams are epic stories.

This one was a bit different because I was not somone else. This time I was actually me.

The theme of the dream was that somehow I had become trapped back in time. It was in middle or dark ages. I was living with a people in an old castle. They knew I was from the future and treated me well makeing me one of them. I in tern used my modern knowledge to help them. There was Plauge, but I taught them where it was comeing from and I taught them to clean up and we set thousands of bucket traps for the rats, and they were able to abke to stop the plauge. I taught the Warriors martial arts and what I knew about why the Romans were so successful in battle. We used it once to successfully fend off an attack by some particularly barbarian like people..Vikings maybe. I also taught them jujitsu and started teaching classes to their children about all that I know about modern knowledge. I kept the classes very practicle about what was usfull in their time.

Lots of other things happens.

Finally we discovered another invasion was comeing. A lot bigger this time. They wanted me to leave and be protected, but I felt that I had become one of them and if they were going to stand a chance they needed me. There were a lot of kids I had grown fond of and I wanted to give them the best shot possible.

My last images were sitting at a table. They let me have a bunch of gold coins that I had gotton melted into a thin tablet. I was etching a note to my wife telling her how much I loved her and the kids and what happend to me. I was planning to hide it somewhere to give it the best chance of being discovered one day by a scientist. I was going back and forth sharpening my weapons and etching the note when I woke up.

Crazy crazy dreams. I wish I had the patience to be a writer.

Thanks for listening.

White Crane Feather

Training my son, and affirmation!

Well. I must say. When things like this happen I am hesitant to share it. Mostly because it sounds rediculously fake. If I herd it I would be skeptical, but my life is quite a bit diffrent than others. Lots of increadible things happen to me. I feel obligated to report it dimply because it's the truth.

Some of the details are starting to fade, because it's morning now and I made the mistake if not journaling imeadiatly.

After wakeing up about 2 am spontaneously, I initiated vibrations and exited. I met up with my 6 year old in the house. ( some details missing there )

When ended up takeing a walk/flight through the subdivision. I was showing him how to fly! We would fly to roof tops while I was holding his hand. Go longer and longer distances. He would jump from roof too to roof top on his own. He was his normal self, asking questions, and makeing his excitment noises. It was a lot if fun, I was beaming with pride.

Then I made a mistake. I wanted to show him that we could walk through walls and see people. I took him into the nearest house. We walked through the walls, and made our way into their living room. That's when this teenage girl dirty blond hair came into the kitchen. She was milling about doing various things. She sat down and was writing at the table. Upon looking closer she had no pen and paper. My son promptly asked "what is she doing daddy?". I told him that I think she is sleep projecting. I have seen this before. At night like a sleep walker, people project and go about their normal actions, but they are out of body but unaware.

I don't know why I did this... Perhaps I was showing off... Perhaps I was experimenting... or both. But we moved into the hall way and watched her. She got up and came into the hallway and then into the bathroom. Waited until she came out of the bathroom, then I tried to talk to her. She stoped with a bewildered look on her face. She still could not see us and she is looking about nervously. Trying to assure her that we were friendly i reached over to touch her shoulder. SHE FREEKED!!!!

She bolted down the hallway to her front door, out of instinct trying to calm her, I went after her, my son right behind me. I caught her by the wrist, and well... I dont know what I was going to do to calm her, but she wirrled around snarling and swinging and came right to me, I instinctually side steped her lunge.... And well yes she berriled right into my son. Aa my head turned I caught site of him raising his arms in defense, then poof he was gone. She continued running back down the hall way supposedly to her room. Shaking my head in my own stupidity, I ended the session.

Laying in bed in normal reality now, I was trying to figure out what to do next. I'm about to doze off, when my bedroom door opens and in come both the boys.

---are you ready for this--- I wasn't.

They start to climb in bed with us. I say "no boys, you have to go back to your own bed",

"but daddy I had a bad dream."

"ok, what was it about"

"I don't remember, but this girl was really mad at me and tried to hurt me"

My jaw almost dropped

He woke up his brother because he was scared then they both came In. They both crawled into my arms and we went back to sleep.

I supposed I should not be so shocked after all this time. Its just the first time I have had any confirmations with another person... Especially something so precise.

I was not acting responsibly. Privacy and curtousy must be maintained out of body as well as in. I violated all of that. The poor girl I probably gave her a wicked night mare, I know for a fact I gave one to my son. I have been an idiot.

If my son is to be like me, I am going to have to let his guides do their job. Me showing him things is more like a kindergardener teaching a preschooller. I worry so much if he is going to have to so all the fear work that I had to. I don't want him to go through all that. But he is a calmer soul than I am, so maby it won't be that bad.

I am forever being humbled. With such a powerful affirmation and confirmation I am in tears just writing it.

Just a few moments ago, I tried to get more info out of my son. He was still in bed with me and I was asking him questions about what the girl looked like etc etc. My wife was getting ready for work in the bathroom and I know she was listening.

She comes out and we lock eyes for a moment. She knows something has happened, she can tell by my words i guess. She wants to know, but she also dosnt. She knows I do not have a normal relationship trees, animals, and the night. She has whittnessed my sons altered states before and she knows he is like me.

All she can do is give me the look of you better be looking out for him. Sometimes i wonder if she thinks what happens to him is my Fault. Sometimes i wonder that myself. I'd tell her about the things that happen, but I think it would just be unsettling for her. Only being six, he is going to have to do all the fear work to conquer his shadow. It's not pleasent. These are the times I wish we were just normal, with this new affirmation there is a solid reality to it that is fairly heavy. It's not just me mucking around in my head anymore.

White Crane Feather

Three muskateer dream

Dreams

Another cool dream. I was feeling little tired this afternoon, so I took nap upstairs. The dream started of with me being some sort bartender in what seemed like an old French tavern or saloon. At one point I saw myself in the mirror. I had long hair with a long trimmed mustache with brown hair.

Quit suddenly a group of men came into the bar with swords drawn. The whole theme was sort of a Three musketeers scenario. I immediately started go calculate my odds against the men. I had some sort o military training an I thought my odds were pretty good if could maintain higher ground. I also had a secret. There was a very special weapon behind some of the bottles of whisky. A razor sharp flexible sword that was some sort of relic. In fact it was what the men were come for.

They started to interrogate me while I played dumb. I was waiting for the right moment to retrieve the sword, when I miscalculated how aggressive they will become. Two men leaped over the bar and on grabbed me and shove me against the shelves with the spirits. I had my hand instinctively protecting my neck and a small dagger penetrated my hand. The were holding me against the shelves intent on killing me. I panicked for just a second chastising myself for not taking the initiative. That's when A calm cam over me and all my training was accessible. I took my hand an knocked away the whisky an spirits to reveal the sword. I yelled at them that they could have it. Revealing the sword brought a stop to the action an an awe in all the men even me. It was a very special relic though I can't recall what for. Taking advantage of the pause I grabbed the sword and spun the guy on me into the other while slashing his neck. Without hesitating I followed him as a fell into the other using him as a shield. I dispatch the other as he caught the other. The sword was light an flexible like wielding a large razor blade. ( this actually makes a lot of sense to me, I have competed and teach with the Chinese broad sword which is usually made out of spring steal for safety)

I then leaped onto the bar an engaged the others. A fantastic battle ensued (similar to movies of the three muskateers mixed with Chinese acrobatic kung fun). I was very good.

I woke up when finally defeating their leader in an acrobatic maneuver.

Very cool dream. This one was not a epic as some of the others, but it was worthy of mention. On a side note, I was at a gun and knife show today and there were very interesting sword pieces and bayonets.

White Crane Feather

This is why.

This is precisely why I came to um forums and started blogging. I love watching people defeat and grow passed those nightmares into a new reality. These letters make my month everytime.

From a friend here on um.

"Hey Seeker,

It's been so long since we've communicated, thats becasue my fear of sleep paralysis held me back from trying astral projection, until now!

I've been reading your blog over the past couple of weeks, I love reading it and hearing about your adventures.. It's sparked facination and inquiry again for me with regards to astral projection.. So I read through our old convo and have woken myself up at 3am twice last week, I have been trying to visualise a purple ball floating about a rulers lenght away from my face, this is hard to get the hang of but I progress each time. Anyway those 2 attempts didn't work, I fell aslepp (it's only the first 2 though so ofcourse it won't work).

But as you you I get sleep paralysis and I know how to make myself have sleep paralysis, a simple lack of sleep for a couple of days and an episode is guaranteed. I have been trying to stay up later and get up earlier for this reason because now I feel like facing my fears with SP is going to be worth it if it means being able to astral project.

Anyway this morning I had to get up really early and drive a mate to work, was feeling really groggy when I got back home so did the visualize ball thing for about 20 mins and fell asleep.. My dream turned lucid, as soon as I realised I said (in my dream) I'm lucid I'm going to astral project, that's all I did I didn't have to concentrate on getting back to the bed to do so, just simply thinking it in my lucid state brought me back to my bed (like as if I was being draged to it by a rope) comfortably ofcourse, anyway then I realised I was laying in my bed and after a very short moment vibrations started and my ears started crakling really loud. Unfortunately this made me so excited that it stopped the crakling and vibrations, I tried a few times and got so close but failed..

Anyway, it was the first time I have felt sleep paralysis and not felt scared, all there was was excitement, by sleep paralysis I mean the first part of the vibrations. I think I've got you to thank. I'm so much closer now and my fear is gone.. Thanks to your blog.

Also I think you're right, because of my sleep paralysis I really feel this will not take me long at all to project. I felt so close this morning and it's only my third time trying in a week!! I'm going to focus on recognising I'm dreaming and turning my dreams lucid, along with the wake up technique too.

If you have any advice for me for the next time I start to get that crackly sound to stop me from ending it from my excitement please let me know..

I can't wait to dive into this world."

White Crane Feather

They hit.

Both me and my two year old are now sick. It hit me halfway through classes. By the time I was done I was experiencing chills, fever, and aches. I kinda felt it yesterday but I was working in my garden pretty hard so I thought I was just tired and dehydrated.. It's going to be one of those wrap up and sweat it out nights.

My premonitions tell me ahead of time that something has been brought home, but I really have no tools yet to prepare. I could stock up on antivirals and take them when I see them, I have enough evidence over the years to be comfortable relying on them, but I would like some more tools besides loading vitamin C and preparing the ibuprofen. I will have to research what my ancestors did when they saw something conming. It might be time to vision quest for a tool.

White Crane Feather

Their faces

This is sort of a morbid subject, but its in my head this morning, maybe its because its hallowen morning, so I want to get it out.

When I was young, about 13 or 14 years old, this friend of mine showed me this tape called "faces of death". It was really a horrific program. I would shut it off and refuse to participate now, but then I just watched it in morbid curiosity.

The tape depicted various deaths or horrific scenes. One guy missed his parachute sunt into a pit of hungry alagators, various be headings and dismemberments in Muslim countries and a few other things.

After all these years one thing remaines in my memory. It's the look on these people's faces knowing they were about to face death. I never put the title of the video into context until just moments ago. I remember in particular a group of men that was being hearded and whipped by Soddom Hussains men. They were being executed one by one only the video only showed them waiting. It was their eyes. The way they moved that stuck with me. There was no resolve. No escape. No miricle was going to unfold to help them. I could see the hopeless desperation. I did not.... I still don't know how human beings can do these things to each other. It has stayed with me and scarred me my entire life.

Then one day I was bow hunting. I had scouted this animal all summer. I knew its habits. I knew any given morning there was a 20% chance he would graze out into this swampy meadow high in the Sierra Nevada wilderness. I waited. It only took a few days. I had planned for seven to ensure a shot at my quarry, but he came early. I was hidden in a thicket of Willows, my cloths decented with the smoke from the morning fire.

He came out. I tried to relax. I kept my gaze slightly down and to the right. I don't care what any skeptic or empiri nazi tells you. Animals can tell when you are looking at them even if they are unaware of your presence. I have seen it dozens of times.

He was comeing in the meadow on the trail that he usually leaves from. It was going to make my shot much harder. 45 yards through a narrow gap in the willows. I thought briefly about not taking the shot. I knew I was skilled enough to make the kill but I was worried about how clean it would be. I do not accept anything other than a lung shot. If was using my compound bow with sights it would have been a simple choice, but my recurve is a little more finicky and my groups not as tight.

It was now or never, months of scouting, hours of driving, days of hiking, years of practice, and much fanagling with business and family were on the line. I drew and real eased nearly instantly with a classic sight shot.

Damn!!! To low. I got him in the gut. I had not practiced enough from a kneeling position and I was used to shooting from a standing position with a proper stance. Impossible in the willows.

I sat back and waited. If I came out now, he would take off across country and I would have injured him for nothing and he would die a very slow and agonizing death. I knew he would run for 50 - 100 yards before stopping and resting from his wound. If he saw me he may run for miles. I waited.

When I thought enough time had passéd and he would be significantly weakened, I came out of hiding and took my shoes off. I can move much more quietly in my large soft socks. I found the blod trail and started to track him down. He had only gone about 50 yards. He had collapsed on his side but was still alive. He was writhing. I hated the fact that my ill preparations had now put this beautiful creature in so much pain. I lost all critical thinking of what might happen if be still had strength left. I droped my bow because with him on his side all i was foing to get is another gut shot. i unsheathed my hunting knife and with out a thought ran up to him grabbed his antlers and slit his throat.

He saw me, but was to weak to run or fight. We made eye contact. It was his eyes. They were the same as the men on those videos. That look. That roll and stair. I can't escape it. This animal is conscious of what I am there to do. It knows I am a killer.

I sat with my back to him after the deed. I cut deep to ensure quick unconsciousness. Cerated edges are good for that. I finished my prayer of thanks as little river of blood started passed me.

I had never had to do that before. All my prior kills were well placed lung shots and the animals were dead when i got to them. This was very up close and personal. But the eyes haunt me. Just as the eyes of those doomed men. The blood.... The gore.... Is nothing. It's two conscious beings connecting with each others eyes and one will be no more. Two beings faceing death. Just like the title of that video. It had so many meanings to me. The faces of death, the face of the men faceing death, faceing death itself, looking death in the face. The desperate eyes of those to be killed.

I almost weeped, but I had to keep it together, there was another job to do and the flies would be comeing.

I have thought of giving up bow hunting after that. But when I sit down for dinner with my kids and my wife feeds them chicken, pork chops, or beef. I realize the dishonesty in consuming that animal without faceing it. Even shooting the poor thing from 50 yards out and never haveing to look into its face is dishonest. It might be a morbid ugly thing. But I vow every time I see one of my boys eating a burger that I will one day teach them what that burger really means. Mabey like me they will then steam a lot more vegetables and prey in thanks and sadness every time they consume another conscious animal. Maby they will look at the suffering of others more compassionately.

I do prey god will guide me to the right lessons for my children.

White Crane Feather

The successful vision quest of a friend.

So I had the pleasure of giving some tips to a friend seeking a vision. He had read my recent vision quest and decided to perform one of his own. I do not recommend this sort of questing for everyone. This person is unusually connected with nature and has the a strong independent power. Self reliance exsoetiencr is very important with this sort of activity. I thank him for allowing me to post his story. It makes me very proud have Been able to be apart of his journey. You will see ********* in places that I think provide information that might be able to identify him.

His story

Where to start? I guess the begining. Got in by 100, set up camp. Fished for like 2 hours with no luck till the end. Caught a small trout. Plus I found a wild apple tree. I also ripped up some root from some cat tails and make a couple small cakes with it. Talk about good eating, I was starving. First day wasnt so bad. It was already 5 oclock by the time I was sitting in my circle of rocks. Sitting in the dark wasnt as bad as I thought the first night, till it rained. Lucky for me I brought a rain suit. By that morning the doubt had already begun to set in. Fighting sleep was really hard. Id go into these long spells were I was like half awake, half sleep. Knowing I was only a hour walk from home was probably my biggest mistake. The temptation to leave was strong. I litteraly imagined That my families life was at risk if I didnt stay put.

And here comes night #2. I laughed as I remembered your story, how your back and ass were killing you. I knew exactly how you felt. By this time the temptation to leave was countered by the feeling that I had come to far to stop now. All this would have been for nothing. Those 2 forces were interupted only by every single noise that came through the camp. Which honestly the second night scared the hell outta me several times. I fell asleep that night several times. But never for more then a couple mins I was sure. Cause even with those small naps the night went on forever.

I had a couple hours were I became numb to everything. I didnt worry about being hungry, or sleep deprived. It was like I was in a dream, but still awake, if that makes any sence. All the feelings came rushing back, and I began to get seriously depressed. I felt like a prisoner in a self made prison. Just when I thought Id surely break, the first sign of light came over the valley.

The sun is an amazing life line in those moments. But by noonish that day even my ego tryed to convince myself that I had had enough. Thoughts of how proud I was that I had made it that far, and that I really had nothing more to prove kept stirring in my mind.

No screw that, way to close now.

Oh I forgot to tell ya, soon as the sun came half way up that morning, I watched this huge flat faced owl fly nice and slow over my camp, and landed in a tree. I hadnt seen one of those in these parts since I was a kid. We locked eyes and in my sorry state, at least in my head, we seemed to have a understanding. He looked at me as if to say, 'almost there friend, you will be in your bed by this time tomorrow'. But by mid morning I wasnt even sure if that had really happened.

That afternoon was the hardest part. I began to question why I was even there. Did I really wanna be chased through the woods by demonic teens? Or whatever the spirits had in store for me? From there my thoughts became irrational. What if I died? What if they kill me? Seeker said they couldnt really harm me, but how does he really know? Could he really know for sure? Thats it Im leaving. Then another part of me came to the top. No I will stay. Whatever happens happens. I never cared much for being alive anyway. Basicaly came to the conclusion that I spent to long making this bed not to lay in it. In my sleep deprived state, I was even able to push away thoughts on how others were depending on me.

All these thoughts came inbetween small naps that I had no power to stop. They never lasted long though cause by then my back was in serious pain. Waiting for the sun to go down was the longest few hours of my life. Just as the sun was on the horizon, I just couldnt sit there anymore. I camped right next to a small trout stream Id been fishing in all my life. I litteraly crawled to the stream to wet my head. I half expected something to happen then, like in your story, but nothing out of the ordinary happened. I crawled back to my circle, now thinking this was gonna be a total waste of time. I actually felt some releaf that I came to that conclusion. This would be a nailing of my flesh to my personal cross. Denie the flesh to build the spirit. Christ did this all the time I said to myself. Then next thing I know it was dark.

Not sure how long it was dark, when my body decided it wasnt going to stay awake anymore no matter what I thought about it. I fell over several times. Hit my head on the rocks twice. It must have been a few hours in the dark when I fell asleep for the last time.

Next thing I know, behind closed eyes, I hear what sounds like someone walking twards me. Am I dreaming this? No, suddenly Im not even tired anymore, or in pain. Who ever was walking twards me is standing right in front of me now. I can feel them. I open my eyes, now terrified at what I might see.

There before me is a slim looking American indian looking women. She is beautifull. Just like in a movie, feather in her hair and all. She is standing like 10 feet from me, and when she see's I have opened my eyes she begins to yell at me. She is seriously p***ed and I cant understand a word she is saying. I wasnt affraid, cause at first she kept her distance. Then suddenly she gets quiet, and a very serious look comes over her face, and she slowly starts walking twards me.

It was as though she had made a decision, and it wasnt in my favor. Oh ****, here we go. Im gonna die in my self made prison. She gets about 5 feet from me when I stand up to run. As I get to my feet, I lean on the only source I know for protection. Dear Lord were the only words that came outta my mouth when my circle of rocks lights on fire. I had seen this fire one other time, in a lucid dream, or a OOB experiance (I never figured out which it was) I didnt know what to think at first. Didnt know if I caused the fire for protection, or if she did to trap me. I look at her, she comes right up to the circle. She couldnt get through. Of course. This fire had protected me the last time I saw it. Cleansed my home even.

I sit back down. I concentrate on keeping the fire alive. she is circling me, outraged. Again she is screaming at me, and again I cant understand her. Even with my wall of fire, she is terrifying me. I close my eyes, still seeing the glow of the fire through my eye lids. Im trying to end the experiance, when I hear this horrible growl, slow and steady right next to my ear. Oh God what now. Something is in the circle with me. Some horrible beast. I slowly open my eyes, expecting the worst. Its a Dog, standing right next to me. Looks like my dog, a *******. Not only this, but the dog isnt growling at me, its growling at her.

Just when I felt this might end well, my fire begins to fade. And she knows it. She is litteraly laughing at me. The dog starts going crazy. No longer just growling, but is giving this women full warning of his/her imminent attack. Barking and growling like crazy.

My fire is gone.

Alittle more then arms length away right in front of me she says, "what will you do now"? She doesnt seem to be bothered by the dog at all. Before I could say this dog was here to protect me, she reaches out her hand, and the dog comes right up to her and sits down, clearly looking for her attention. Oh ****, Im in for it now. Time to run. I go to get on my feet when she dives on top of me laughing, and pins me to the ground. Suddenly Im not as affraid. She really is just a women. She feels like a women, only has the strength of a women. I kinda playfully struggle with her, about to toss her off, when she leans down and kisses me. Like a deep passionate kiss. I felt powerless to stop her. I wanted to kiss her too. Which made me sad.

So then she breaks the kiss and looks at me. Then she says to me, "what have you learned"? I say to her, I dont know. And she smiles, but has a look of half dissapointment and says, thats a shame.

Next thing I know It had to be around 330 in the morning, it was over.I started walking outta the woods. Was home in an hour, and came right here to tell you about it. I was way to tired though. Was in and outta sleep all day yesterday, and finnaly woke up semi recovered this morning.

I dont know if you can help me figure that one out, but I sure hope you can, cause Im left baffled by the experiance.

Wow though, I'll be damned, I will never forget that night.

White Crane Feather

The desert of serendipity Wow!

Vision log

 

June 19 2011

Well. Traveling has been dry for several weeks. A few interesting dreams. This is what happens some times before I Step off the deep end.

I am traveling to the wilderness next week as I always do this time of year. I will be vision questing, so I was thinking the of contact with spirit guides was because I will be in an altered state for nearly three days. At the moment because of anticipation I have no real desire for at home altered states.

The incredible synchronistic events have flared surrounding the dessert and the Paiute Indians. Long story short some strange synchronistic events kept popping up on television and other places always about the Paiute indians, it seemed to end when I was about to use an Indian trap to kill a gopher that keeps chewing on my tomatoes (errrrgggg). ( yup a Paiute dead fall). But like so many times this thing is just beginning.

Another set of odd events that started that very day ended with me agreeing to accompany a good friend on a drive to las Vegas basically as a designated driver. He was going to a wedding but needed someone to drive with him the next day ( for safety switch off driving responsibilities) it's about a 12 hour drive and he would be up very late partying and had to back the next day.  

These very wild things happen to me at least once a year, but I never get over them. I cannot explain the awe incredible spiritual euphoria that comes over me when they happen.

We stopped to let me out to releave myself. We are in the deep desert in nevada on hwy 95.  I'm a flint knapper, so I am interested in the lithic material in the area. Particularly the basalt. I have plenty of obsidian at home that I collected by clear lake ca. Another wild set of synchronistic events led me like bread crumbs to a large very rare obsidian spear point  that I now have and treasure as a wonderful gift from the spirits. 

I reached down and picked up a small piece of basalt that I might shape into an arrow head. About 6 feet away there is another. I pick it up. Then another..... Another..and another.

( a little background. The friend I was with is my best friend. He knows about the things I do, but he is a bit of a red neck. We don't talk much about spirituality, but he does no the story of how I was led to the obsidian spear point)

I am now in a trancelike obsession with picking up these pieces of basalt. Also mysteriously the wind suddenly starts gusting. I can hear him faintly through the wind calling me and inquiring about what I was doing ( as only a best friend can do ;) he was also making a wise crack about ........ Indian spirits ( yeah no ****). The wind soon over took his voice. 

About 50 yards out The last Piece of basalt I removed from the sand was another spear point. Awe struck. I started to cry and i dropped to my knees. I then felt those incredible pleasurable vibrations. No meditations. I thought I was going to have an obe right there on the spot in the middle of the desert. I didn't. 

I have a bad knee injury. I'm just beginning to walk around with a sever limp. My friend thought I had reinjured something. He ran out to my side. Practically in mid sentence he saw what was happening. He is very aware of how this nearly Identical scenario played out the first time. He did not say anything. Silently we went back to the car. As we got in he looks at me and says " I can't believe that just ****ing happened".  I said "welcome to my world". ( he could not stop saying that the entire drive )

It wasn't over.

On the way back today we were in a bit of a rush to return for fathers day. It was his turn to drive, I ended up having a little fun to :), I was asleep. He Wakes me up. Has been pulled over. He gets a speeding ticket. As the officer is returning to his car, I notice we are right across the street from where i found the point. I point it out to him. He again was in such shock that it dwarfed the speeding ticket. ( the odds are astronomical  ) its a huge desert.

It's not over. Hours latter we are in this little town. I was mostly lost in contemplation about this trips events. We pull over to buy fireworks at this little building in this strange broken down town ( typical of Nevada). Nevada sells really cool fireworks ( illegal in California where in live..... Sorry im not a saint :) )

I buy about $50 worth. As we are leaving I realize where we are at. A sign on the road says that we are on the Paiute reservation.  

I don't know where this is leading, but my vision quest next week ( buy the way vision quest syncronicities are popping up everywhere now) will be in the desert. Somewhere near there. I'm trying not to be, but I am very nervous. Not scared. But the power and awe of these events are just to much for men sometimes. I often wonder if I am somehow mentally I'll. Do I have some sort of complex that makes these things come together? Why me? Do I have a self importance issue?  ( no ****, as I am typing all of this there is a movie on with helicopters flying over that same desert----"Transformers"--...... It never ends)

White Crane Feather

The chair

Vision log

July 22 2011

Well interesting dream.  I was dreaming that I was staying over at this persons apartment  in a large city. The odd part was that I was there to learn something from him. Something very important. In fact this person was very Importent. At one time I was thinking this Is an odd sort of person to have met the president. The scenerio really begins with me waking in his apartment.

 It's morning, and I'm waiting for him to wake up. I'm sleeping on a recliner. I decide to take a journy, but meditations failed. Not sure why. I felt a twinge of vibration but I could not exit. ( I'm dreaming of course although a journy in a dream would have been very interesting)

I get up and move to a recliner outside. Oddly it's in a city and it's a ground floor entry way to his apartment. I rest there for a while. Normally i dont like cities but the trafic and people going by is somewhat comforting. Then I'm reminded that apartment entryways have video camaras. I look around and locate them. I'm no longer relaxed so I get up. (It gets a little hazy from here.) I find myself across the street possibly trying to help someone with something a child. It seems like I have someone by the hand. But there is something else I'm trying to carry as well. It's rushed the intercection is going to turn green. At the last moment I decide I cannot carry the other thing and I rush the child to the curb. ( I never did see the child. After that it's gone)

I look back at the intersection at what I had to leave behind. It's a chair. Part of it has been crushed by a car. ( I did not notice at the time, but this chair and I have a history. It goes way back to a dream I had 9 years ago about this odd chair just sitting in my halway with light shining on it..... Then during a period of time in my life that I have come to recognize as a transpersonsl or shamanic awakening..... Wild sets of synchronistic events were leading me to different learning sources... I was already haveing OBEs and doing things in spirit, but with no formal reading or understanding. Then syncronistic events brought one of Robert bruces book "astral dynamics  to my life". That chair is on the cover!!!!!!----same chair!!!! No mistaking it.....no possabiliy of a false memory or confirmation bias....)

No this very same chair is partially crushed in the intersection. Trafic is to heavy to save it.

I make way back to the apartment. He is awake this person I'm supposed to learn something from. Odd thing. I can never get a good look at his face. It's like on tv when someone is naked. Something Is always obstructing a clear view. Or he just happens to turn away. I follow him into a bathroom where he goes through his morning routine. I wait patiently to do the same thing. When it's my turn I brush my teeth etc etc.... I need to go pee really bad.  So I start to use the toilet. It's takeing forever. It's takeing so long, I hear him behind me saying something to the effect of ---quit takeing so long we have a lot to learn--

I try to hurry but I'm still peeing. It takes such a ridiculous amount of time...... That I notice the non reality of it and become lucid. I'm dreaming!!!!  This man does not have the quality of a dream character. Crap I can't stop peeing!!!! ( yeah I know this is getting comical ) that's when I realize that it's my body that needs to go pee really bad. Crap!!!! I'm going to have to wake up.  He comes in one last time inquiring about what's takeing so long. As I look over my shoulder I can see him now. Tall balled, he is a spirit guide that I know. Sometimes shows up as a white tiger. I'm angry that I'm going to have to wake up. ( I'm not to ashamed to admit once in my adult life I wet the bed while dreaming about peeing.... Not gonna happen) I despretly want to learn whatever is on the agenda. 

He starts laughing boisterously. He relizes what is happening. I try to stop peeing but I can't. Well nature calls. I wake myself up and go to the bathroom. 

Thoughts

The chair? It symbolizes something. Could it be I'm finished with a phase of learning and headed into a new one. That seemed to be the theme of he dream. Time will tell. I often wonder what's happening in dreams I cannot remember. Am I learning things that I am not concouse of? If I did not need to go pee what would I have learned?  Would I have even remembered?