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A man awake

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Seeker79's Blog and his travels

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White Crane Feather

My trip to the Esalen Institute Meeting with Dr. Sheldrake

Esalen Trip

My trip to the Esalen Institute was supposed to be a simple retreat, but it turned into a grand journey of contrast, highs and lows of the mind, discovery, and transfomative revelation of which I was not in the least expecting. The irony of it all, is that I actually only spent about one and a half days at Esalen with Dr. Sheldrake while the entire trip took five days.

Esalen work shops begin at 8:30 pm on Fridays. This allowed me to drive up on Friday after dropping my kids off at school. I figured I would get there at around the check in time of 2:00 pm. The institute is about a five hour drive for me.

Well, about half way there my truck started making this strange noise. It was growing louder as the the drive proceeded. Finally, exactly as I entered the town of Hollister CA, it began this horrid god awful grinding noise. The truck was also lurching.

CRAP!!!!!! I'm going to have to stop! There is nothing but bad news in these kinds of noises. I managed to turn into Save Mart shopping center. My mind was churning with plans at this point.

---get it in a shop, rent a car, and make the workshop.----

After a couple of moments on my phone I discovered there was a place right across the street. The manager there was, Jesus, Pronounced Hesus. He checked the car in and called enterprise rent a car. They had no cars, and they are the only rental car in the this small town. No matter what scenarios we could come up with, it seemed that there was no way for me to get a car. I found one in the next town over, but they would not rent to me because I do not use credit cards, and to use my debit card I would have to live in the town. UGGGGGG!!!!!!

Finally I found a U-haul and was a able to rent a van. Finally back on the road, I was able to make it to Esalen without my truck. Oh yeah, it got a lot of strange looks at Eselan. The young guy at the guard station thought I was delivering something.

The Esalen Institute

The Esalen Institute sits along the Big Sur Coast in California on the edge of the Ventana Wilderness. Its about an hour south of Monteray. It is in some of the most beautiful coastal country in the world.

Im not really a picture person, so I only took this one of the gardens, but the property reminds me of a Tibetan village. The mountains around it swirl with mist, and at any given time someone is meditating, cuddling with a lover, playing a guitar, or practicing tai chi or chi gong on the large lawn. Shangra la with an artsy twist with coastal worn wooden buildings is the image that comes to mind. The life there is enormous, and the spirits of the plants are overwhelming. I will post a YouTube of someone else's trip.


There was no fuss checking in, and I still had an hour to walk around a bit. I went down to investigate the hot springs, then back up to the gardens. They have a huge permaculture garden. I was immediately drawn to it. I have been trying to get a large garden going at some point, and the this was the prime example of what I myself want to create. Tons of vegetables and leafy greens everywhere. I was enthralled. I almost lost track of time and missed the orientation.

After the Orientation, they fed us dinner. There is a large room that they feed their guests wonderful organic food buffet style. It reminds me a bit of a ski lodge. The also have a small bar open for a few hours. Yes I had a couple of beers.

I did see Rupart Sheldrake walking around, but I did not want to bug him. I would have plenty of time in the workshop.

Rupart Sheldrake

What can I say? The guy is one of my heroes. You could not meet a more graceful, humorous, and fun guy to spend the evening with.

We were in this room sitting on large comfortable pillows. The discussion was about the subject of his new book “Science Set Free.”

I have not read the book yet, but we discussed the dogmas of science point by point. Dr. Sheldrake also had many interesting anecdotes. Ill post a link to one of his lectures where he talks about all of this.

The interesting thing, is that every point was like he was in my head. These are things that have been swirling in my mind and I have been arguing about with others for a long time. Seriously I could have written this book albeit without near his sophistication level. Dr. Sheldrake challenges the core of dogmatic science. He is so good at it, I love to hear him speak.

Later on that evening, I went to the hot springs. Spent some time in meditation in the springs. It was dark and steamy. The springs have a distinct mineral smell to them. I could feel the healing influence on my skin. It was a little strange to be nude, but there was only another woman meditating in the other bath.

I have started compassion meditations, and it went well. Almost to well. I nearly slipped into an altered state. I felt a twinge of vibrations, then I backed out. Probably not a good idea sitting in water. For a brief second I caught the canine features of a fox.

I dried myself, as a young woman undressed right next to me. That was very awkward for me. I had figured some old guys might be there this late, but to see a woman in her twentys completely okay with undressing right there with me 11:30 at night was completely foreign for me. It reminded me for a brief second of my first interaction with the garden goddess.

On my walk back. There he is running down the path. The Fox. He stopped in the middle of the path and stared at me. I whispered to it “so there you are.”

Then it strikes me. I'm standing on this path etched into a seaside cliff in the this serene place, the arm of the Galaxy is huge and dominant in the sky stretching perpendicular until it dips into the ocean on a perfectly calm and clear night. Magic is here with me. How fortunate I am to share this moment with that little fox. Someone on top of the hill begins their descent and the fox darts passed me. I watch the milky way a little more. I have seen it this clear in the mountains before, but with the back drop of the ocean, it is the most majestic natural scene I have ever seen. I cant believe how pronounced it is. It is very bright. It is even reflected in the ocean forming a dual image. Simply incredible.

I spend some time with some other people having wine by the fire pit. Interesting and diverse people. Some old some young. I am a bit introverted in new social situations, and it takes a while for me to warm up. I'm not used to other dominant personalities. In my life, 98% of the time I am either daddy or Mr. The boisterous antics of one scottsman is particularly entertaining, but I already know I will not have a whole lot in common with them. Most of them are old money intellectuals types. As a kid I would have called them rich kids. They all come from expensive Universities. One guy is talking about his thesis. They are passing around i pads with pictures of the their travels and burning man. I just don't have a lot in common with them. I am in the trenches with people and life, and they just live a different one is all. That is what is great about Esalen. There are people that are from every walk of life.

Not long after, I went to my hammock tent tied up in the wilderness area behind Esalen. They don't let anyone camp on the grounds for good reasons, but with my hammock tent I can sleep on the side of a mountain. I slept on a very steep hill above a creek.

I had a dream that night that I met Dr. Sheldrake and the group of people that we had down on the rocky beech below the institute. He was pointing at the ocean and wanted me to show him something. I did not know what it was.

When I woke up, I went down to the lodge. They have a yoga class going, but I rather meditate on a rock over looking the ocean. Not long after I ate there, then the second part of the workshop began. More awesome discussion with Sheldrake. I cant get enough.

There was a break for lunch, so I decided to check on my truck, so I call Jesus. He said it would be done by five. The drive is only two hours away. Where the shop is not such a good area, so I dont want them to finish it and leave it over night outside. I decide to miss part of the workshop to get my truck.

I happen to catch Sheldrake having lunch, So I tell him about the problem and that ill be back. That is when he invites me to site with him at dinner and discuss my OBES and other things.

Awesome! I'm going to have dinner with Rupart Sheldrake!!!

I drive back to Hollister and turn in the U haul van. When I get there I have to wait several hours before they finish. Long story short. When they thought they were done, they were not. There was something massively wrong with the differential. It had to be replaced.

It was the end of the day, I am in a foreign town with no car. My workshop and dinner with Sheldrake was busted. I felt sick to my stomach.

Hollister is not a bad town, but its not necessarily the best area either. Its an agricultural town with a large population of second and third generation migrant workers. I know these towns have heavy gang influences, but at Hollister seems to have at least in part avoided the major plights of Stockton or Salinas.

Nevertheless. I'm a martial arts instructor, I teach people to be aware, and prepared. I have a bugout system in my tool box, with everything i need for being stranded. Its a great source of comfort that I can simply disappear if I need to.

I walked around a bit. But there is nothing for me to do in this town. No close by wooded areas, no streams, no lakes, nothing. Not even a bowling ally. Its like a desert that is not supposed to be a desert.

Bars, a coffee shop, and a movie theater. Its dry, and I can tell the pesticides have infiltrated the area. The weeds and plants don't look right. Its the exact opposite of Eselan. I call a cab, to the farthest motel on the edge of town. I barricade myself in with my i phone and netflix.

Im feeling increasingly bad at this point. Missing the rest of the workshop and an opportunity to have dinner with Shedrake has just crushed me. I cant explain it. I honestly felt like just crying.

At this point in time on netflix I run across a documentary called “Happy”. I watch it. Its about how we cultivate happiness through life, meditation, community, and food. This brings me out of the dark place

I had sunk myself to. I realize, that I get to choose how I view my circumstances. I just came from Eselan. Just 24 hours ago I was bathing in hot springs with in one of the most beautiful places in the world amongst naked women. Here I am in a town amongst homeless, and economically depressed people, and me with plenty of money to get by on and plenty of knowledge and experience to stay safe am feeling crushed because I cant go hang with the “rich kids” at Eselan, talk with a famous personality, and hang in the hot springs and meditate.

I then thank the great spirit profusely for this lesson in humility, and fall asleep not long after, actually feeling quite silly for how crushed I was. The irony of the whole thing is that part of going to Esalan was to work on my compassion meditation.

The next day is Sunday. The shop is closed. While Sheldrake is finishing his lecture, I am in mediation in this wonderful garden created by the manager of the motel. He is a soft spoken Asian man, that has an obvious love for gardening. He was kind to me and did not charge me some deposits because he realized I was not at the motel for the “normal” reasons he sees.

He has created this Oasis of palmagranit trees, palms, and other fruits and ornamentals. Surrounded by industrial buildings, a highway, and plowed and smelly agricultural fields. It really seems like an island. I find it ironic that I found this place as opposed to the other more ceedy places in town. I had tried the best western, but they had no vacancy.

Afterwords I return to my room to watch another netflix documentary; “Food Matters” Wow!!

I'm starting to see how this is all tying in. The permaculture gardens at Esalen. The destroyed landscape around Hollister. The connections with food and happiness and illness. Im literally just up the street form the local agricultural air port. I can hear the crop dussters fly by on their poison air raids.

I did not want to stay in my motel room all day, so I make my way to a local coffee shop. Wow!!! another Oasis! Mars Hill in Hollister. A large open space filled with comfortable sofas, game tables, free wifi, and plenty of outlets for laptops and I phones. Sticking with my new and budding organic life style, I order organic green tea. I ask the cashier if anyone will have a problem with me crashing here all day watching netflix. She says “absolutely not”.

As I popp on the head phones, my attention strays and I start people watching. Im not sure if there is a school around or what exactly is happening, but there is a large group of disabled people at the coffee shop. Again I am humbled by my stuck up behavior with the whole situation. Living in the suburbs and nice community has changed my perspectives. I grew up in places like this and much worse. What has happened to me? My negative attitude toward this town was completely unwarranted.

Then to solidify my thoughts, a young man sits down right in front of me and begins reading to a severely disabled man. Again, the humility being brought down upon me is heavy and the self reflection I must Endure injurious. Compassionate meditation is nice...but its nothing compared to compassionate action. Without the action the meditation is meaningless and self indulgent.

I snap this picture secretly, so that I will never forget.

To add insult to injury, when he is done and passing me, he notices my back pack, and realizes I must be traveling. He then asks about it. Obviously worried that I might need help. I briefly tell him about my car, and that I'm stranded. (Which is not entirely the truth. At any moment in time I can rent a van or call on friends and family to come and get me. I only live about four hours away. I just don't see the point in wasting all that gas driving back and forth.). He offers his assistance anyway. I tell him that its alright. Then the conversation turns to my toed shoes. They are great for light hiking, maneuverability and keeping your foot structure healthy. They are perfect for me because I have spent a life time in martial arts, and have grown to not like shoes. They cost about $110. Expensive shoes for a young man 10 years my junior. He says he wants a pair but they are to expensive. Then he goes about his business.

I end up watching another netflix documentary; “Far Sick and Nearly Dead”

My god...., I thought I was healthy and compassionate. But I am doing everything wrong. I have to change. So many teachers on this trip. Ironically it wasn't Sheldrake. I love the man, and he is still my hero, but I already think like him. Hollister was my teacher, the gardens at Eselan, the little fox, netflix, the little old Asian gardener, a young man in a coffee shop, and a few others storys im leaving out so this does not end up being a book.

Esalen is a wonderful shinning example of growth, sustainability, beauty and human potential. Its a goal. Its a Shangrala. I suspect, I will be spending a lot of time there in the future. I want to completely absorb their permaculture techniques and apply them, but If yo want to see a shinning example of humanity you have to sit in depressed town in a coffee shop for two days. If you are lucky you will see a person who does not have a Masters or PHD, does not meditate, does not have money, and is not a seeker of spiritually because this person already lives it.

I spent the next two days wondering that little town, meditating in that garden and hanging at that coffee shop bathing in humility. It was not the healing waters of the hot-springs that cleansed me. It was a little slow town in central California amongst every problem the world has ever seen.

When I picked up my truck and drove away, I waved at the manager in the shop, and said “Thank you Jesus” (Hesus). The irony of the words did not escape me even for a moment.

White Crane Feather

Meeting at the ocean

blog-0014040001349114973.jpgAfter My zombie dream last night, I reclined back and started meditations for the journey. It did not take long before feeling vibrations. Surprisingly they were fairly strong. It seems that I don't feel them that strong as much these days. I exited by allowing myself to float straight up. Its a feeling that I can never get used to and always amazes me no matter how many times I do it.

OOB standing their in my living room, Im trying to decide what to do. I had felt a presence, so I was hoping that it would be here with me. It wasn't. The house is just quite. Everyone is asleep. That is when out of the corner of my eye, I notice water. Water outside my sliding glass door. I look out. There is a strange but familiar look to the sky. The sky is half lit, but the sky is exploding with stars. Possibly what being closer to the center of a galaxy must look like.

I step through the glass in to the water, the house fades away and I am standing the beech. I'm standing in heaven. The blue waves, the sky, the bubbling and crashing of waves upon the sand. The galaxys that sparkle in the bubbles of the waves.

I'm overcome with awe. This time I do drop to my knees. Waist deep while on my knees, as the surf moves in and out. I kneel there for a moment with the water swirling around me. I can sense the pure innocent love. It really is like no other. It reminds me once again of how my 16 month old loves.

The waves are huge. Much larger than a normal sea, but they don't seem dangerous. The water doesn't feel cool like water is supposed to, but it does feel smooth. Light and silky like. Nor do I feel wet.

After a few moments, I get my thoughts together. I look at the sea, and I can tell that the great spirit is not concerned with answers. It just is. In all its love and consciousness it is just there. It is basking in my attention just as I am literally bathing in its. It reminds me of the moments just before bed when putting young children to sleep when there are no words, you just stare into each others eyes in pure love. I loose track of myself again, but I bring myself back.

I turn to the starts and shout “Angel!? Can you hear me!?”

“I'm here” I hear her say. Suddenly she is standing on the beach in front of me. Then, she to gasps and falls to her knees looking out past me. I barely hear her say “thank you for bringing me here”.

Looking over the shoulder I am struck with confusion, I thought she brought me here, yet it seems that she has never seen this. Strange. I look back at her. She is lost in the sight as well.

I say “come here, sit in the water.” She rises and walks slowly to me and then also kneels right in front of me.

“Whats happening to me” I ask. She tells me that mind is opening. Soon I will have access to all of my dreams and mind and the illusions of the world will start falling away. There is no hiding anything from her, my thoughts were ---does that mean I'm finally going crazy---.

She comforts me that it is not the case. She also mentions that I have been praying for it for years. Ever since I wrote the seekers prayer and recite it.

---But why? What does it all mean? What good is any of it? ---- I was firing questions at her.

She touches my face to stop me. It melted my thoughts, just like she did I the drive thru so many years ago. The first time I saw her was a physical event. I was fighting with my wife, her sister, and her mother. Evidently I had said something to offend their mother, and they ganged up on me. I left In a rage and was planning to disappear in the mountains. I stopped at a drive through to get a burger. This beautiful young woman that I gave my money to reached out and grabbed my hand. I tried to pull it away a few times until I realized she was holding onto it on purpose. I look into her eyes, and she just held me. There was a light behind her blond angelic hair. A straight forward stereo typical image of an angel doing angelic work. She melted every bit of anger in me. I dont know how long she held me in that drive through, but it felt like forever. When she finally let go, I drove off feeling silly for how i'm balance I was reacting to the whole thing.

Now here we are. Her and I kneeling together in the waters of the great spirit, having met in physical life and having a long standing relationship in spirit.

She responds with a few simple words. “This Lukas”. ( my name) Not her hand, but the touch of it. "Its about us. All of us. All beings of existence and how we connect to each other." She made me understand. Its the moments of love and relationship that are the true an only reason for our existence, and our purpose. Our purpose is to love and relate to one another, all life, and the Great Spirit....God. There are no other purposes.

I then ask her why she has never been here. She tells me that she is a function of the existence. A creation, she doesn't change or grow, while souls are children of existence.

Starting to understand, I ask her if she would like to come with me. Knowing my thoughts, she looks out over the rolling waters. She says yes. As long as she can remember no one has ever invited her to join them on a merger.

She leans into me and kisses me on my cheek and says "thank you." Hand and hand me and my angel walk into the ocean.

When I finally come back to normal reality, I am asleep. Yes I am aware that I am sleeping. I let my mind slip into a dream.

All these workers all over my yard working on different things. I try to corner one of them and find out what they are all doing there. Non of them will respond to me. I'm fully lucid, and its definitely a dream.

I sit down in my vegetable garden and watch. I marvel at the fact that I am sitting in the garden of my mind watching all the inner workings play themselves out. I watch for what seems like hours.

It has been quite a night.

White Crane Feather

Some things to share ( incredible !)

So, I never got a chance to turn that dragon dream, and I have had another dream that I'm not sure quite what to make of. It was quick. I don't recall the whole dream but at one point I am walking into a room. There are two are two unidentified females there. Instantly for no reason at all one of them turns to me. Her eyes are missing. She then moves inhumanly fast ( like you see on horror movies) toword me, I barely have a chance to react. Of course I wake up in that animal snarl that Iet out Ocasionally. Just after this I remember my last sight of her as she berriled into me was escaping through the door and running. At first I was thinking I had another highly negative dream. But she was escaping. I had scared her. I dwelt on it all day as I persued another vision I had. Then when I got home today my son was sick...then it all made sense. Those eyless virus spirits again. They usually come at me like zombies then I zap them, but now they are running from me... Despretly. This is very interesting. Wouldn't it be awesome if I can really chase a virus away?

The other vision and the results.----- this is awesome--- I was finishing up things on Saturday and overheard some clients talking about looking for a meteorite pieces that fell a last week when a meteor exploded over Coloma CA. I instantly started getting visions of a hill and guides were spinning my mind with concepts of how this hill caught some of the fragments like a net. Then I recognized the hill!!!!! I knew right where it is at. It was on a public ranch that I have spent many hours foraging, Meditating and bow hunting at.

I interupt the conversations ( without thinking). I was asking where exactly Coloma is. They tell me. Then I start telling them about the ranch and Wich way the metior came from, and I tell them to look on this specific hill to the left of the trail. They listened. But they did not seem interested these areas I know of are not well known. And they take a lot of walking to get to. I decided to go myself. Sure enough. Guess what I found exactly where my visions took me. A small metorite. One of 4 recovered so far. I know i know. The news is that there are only three. Nope I have the fourth.

It's one of he rarest meteorights. The last one that fell that pieces were recovered from was in 1969. This one is special because it containes stuff from the solar systems that preceded our own. It is one of the rarest and oldest stones on earth. I vacume sealed it to protect its chemical make up. It is of great scientific intrest. NASA had representatives out looking for pieces. I'm so excited. I feel so humbled. the stone is valued at about $1,000 a gram......A GRAM!!!!!. This is similar to how I obtain my two fully formed. Native American spear points. I bet it's grandfather ( an old Indian spirit guide---- I call him that because he reminds me of the Tom brown junior character).

I don't know what to do with. Obviously NASA wants to look at it, but after that I have this gut feeling this is something I am supposed to sit on then sell when the price is right. I have been in meditation and prayer to find a way to exit the material worlds rat race and focus my energy on conservation and spiritual persuits... But I have a wife and kids. I can't drag them along on an ascetic lifestyle. It apears a solution may have literally fallen out of the sky. I walked for miles drunk with gratitude from the stars themselves. I can't beleive my life. The **** that happens to me is better than fiction.

Hahahaha you should have seen the text messages from that group of clients ( good friends and students actually) when I told them. None of them were the least bit surprised. (lots of yup i figured.... Why am i not surprised etc etc) They all new instinctually right when I became so interested that I would turn up with one. How funny.

Crazy life I would be so board if it were not.

White Crane Feather

In closing.

I havnt really been updating this blog. It's been hard to write practically every morning. It seems that I become aware nearly every night now and, I slip out of body and make my way out there. I have been spending less and less time in this realm. For a while, I was shooting through space to visit various solar systems. I was marveling at the different look of different planets and their moons. I have seen binary planets and even one that was hit by something massive and was sort of spinning out of control. I have landed on a few. Some incredible landscapes and a vast aray of different kinds of worlds with swirling atmospheres and craters the size of moons. I was just interested. I investigate these things taking a neutral ground that it may be all in my mind, but really, i don't beleive that. I have simply seen to much.

I have moved out of that phase. There is more to see out there, or in here which ever it is, but I have been returning two more spiritual pursuits. I have found myself wanting more piece. I enjoy working: I like my job. Teaching children martial arts has been an amazing career and it's highly successful providing for my way of life and free spirit. God knows I have taken more time off more vacations to roam around the mountains,the coast, Yellowstone, Hawaii, and the desert than any working man my age deserves. I have a wonderful staff that allows me to do this. I can place my business in their hands and disappear whenever I wish. I have no complaint about how my business career has treated me. I have been home with my kids to take them to school, make breakfast, volunteer in their classes, and spent every day with them while they are toddlers. They're amazing little faces has become what I wake up to every single morning. I am not forced to get up every morning and go to work and miss out on all the important things that happen in a growing child's life. It has been tough at times. Taking care of three boys all day and not using daycare has been taxing on the way I used to exist before having them, but every moment has been worth it. They are incredibly intelligent, sensitive, rowdy, and there is this vibrant energy that glows around our house. It attracts all the kids in the neighborhood. They can sense the love and the family fortitude that surrounds us.

Another phase of OBE was happening for a while. I was surrendering to what God wanted me to do. I would exit my body go out into my yard look up at the sky and surrender myself to the universe and the intelligence behind it. I didn't like what was happening. This is hard for me to talk about because I don't want to sound like it is some sort of movie or that I am more special than anyone else. It also sounds terribly crazy, and I'm really just a normal dad. But, what good is a journal or blog if I can't speak the truth because of fear or social stigmatization.

The facts are, nearly every time upon surrendering myself, I was given instructions, phrases, images, or other methods of communication that led to someone or something that needed my help or that was going to happen. It started with the dream I had a number of months ago, where I met that man in that informory type place. I don't want to get into details, but it required me to be more involved in something than I wanted to be. Then another one, another vision, another person entering my life that I knew I had been instructed to do everything I could. Then another one. And again. These are not random things, I was explicitly directed to help and involve myself. In some ways I have gotten what I wanted. I always wondered what it was for. I was wanted to help people. I never totally understood the power of real shamanic activity. Now that it's here, I understand what the shaman really is. I understand their role and their revelations. I understand how strikingly real it is. Either that or I'm losing my mind.

Here's the thing. I don't want it anymore. I feel terrible. All this effort, all the seeking, and now when it's all right in front of me, I want to shut the door. I suppose that I thought there would be some kind of ending. Maybe like a movie or a book. I had an unconscious expectation that there would be some kind of closure at the end of the road. But there's not. There are endless people to help, endess problems, endless circumstances, endless children in need, torn families, Suicidal young people, rock-bottom adicts, and people with deeply troubled and dangerous thoughts.

I once asked God to show me why bad things happen. I told God I want to know, that I didn't understand, and that I demanded an answer. I didn't know how much I would dislike the answer. Bad things happen becuse people that can stop them from happening don't have the will. I don't have the will. I used to pride myself in always following through when someone was in need, to go the extra mile, to see it through to the end. I still try, but to be honest it's too much for me. What I I've discovered adds another layer that is far far to much. I belong to my children and my wife. It might be selfish of me, but I will not be surrendering myself to the universe anymore. I don't want any more instructions. I don't want to feel like I'm flirting with insanity anymore, and I don't want to feel responsible for Knowing things and trying to stop them. I will revisit all of this after my children are grown. I will be turning my attention to wards or inner peace and calm cultivation of self. But this will be a personal journey, so this will be the last entry in this blog. Those of you to read it, I thank you for your company, and your ear. Sharing with you has been a form therapy.

In closing I just wanted to say, that there is a God, there are angels, there are more places in the heavens that you can imagine. I know it's hard for some of you to believe, and I don't expect you to take my word for it, but Angels do look after you, they're constantly there, and they are constantly prodding others and circumstances trying as best they can to see you through life. They want you to be happy, healthy, and loved. I have seen these things, and I'm a personal wittness. I am not insane, i'm not trying to make money, I have no religious agenda, not a part of a cult, nor do I seek attention for myself. I'm a 36-year-old dad living a completely normal life ( besides all this of course). If you want to live a spiritual life it's up to you to seek it, but being spiritual is in no way a requirement to be a good human being in the eyes of God. God loves you. She loves you unconditionally…. Period. You don't need to please God, you don't need to worship God, God doesn't create rules, and God absolutely does not judge. God loves you Like a good dog or a small child. Absolutely, unconditionally, always waiting by the door, always hoping for your affection, and always hoping to please you. I suspect that's why we are here. If God created the universe which I'm not sure about, she did it not to be loved but to love. What else is there to do with eternity.

God bless

white crane feather

White Crane Feather

From: Astral Travel & My technique

Oh yeah, I forgot.

Sure keep in mind That I'm at a point now where I can feel the doorway (so to speak) in my mind. If it is opened I can walk through it quit easily. I can't really explain it. It's purely an experiential feeling.

Certain character traits and physical development will help tremendously

1) pilanthropy ...... Constantly giving to others . (Take a 100 bucks buy cj burgers and a case of beer and water. Go into the city and give every homeless person you meet a burger a beer and a water) deep personal pilanthropy. Become a mentor in a big brothers big sisters program. Give every chance you get. I have a business ( martial arts school), and I make my services totally free with no questions asked if someone looses their job or can't aford it. I'm not trying to sound like some saint, but if you are extended to others the spirits will be extended to you and help you grow. It's a componant I think that's largly missed.

2) fear work and self reflection. The more you conquer fears and anxiety the more capable you will be. Alone in the wilderness for days or even weeks at a time forces you to be completely Alone with yourself and your fears. After the third day your thoughts turn inward.

3) body awareness. I have been in martial arts my entire life, but dance is good to. Also I think Robert Bruce's energy work would be helpful. Haveing decent spacial awareness is very helpful

4) meditation practice. Meditation is key. I would be very surprised if anyone had decent success without a consistant mediatation practice.

My process

If I want travel at night I will mediatate for an hour then take a nap at about 3-6 or so often listening to Tibetan meditation music or drumming. Then go to bed at 10. And start my journy. Or I'll wake up at 2 or three read something for an hour then go.

To initiate I relax close my eyes and see the blackness behind my eyes as a three dimentional space. I watch my nural discharges and wipe away any errant thoughts that show up. This is where it gets tricky. You guys will simply have to hold this state until you feel vibrations. After you have been doing for a while at least for me I can tell when the "door " is open and push my conciousness through it. I wish I could explaine it better, but I dont know how.

Right as vibrations start I hear the loud waterfall rushing noise. This is when I exit either by just getting up very quickly, rolling, or floating up. Floating up is not a visualization, it's as if you have muscles to propel you upwards.

That's it. Not a hole lot to the actualy process. Sometimes I can just feel that my mind is in the right spot and I can do it in seconds. Other times I try and try for hours ....., and nothing. Most the time it's successful though

Source: Astral Travel & My technique

White Crane Feather

Another Epic Dream

blog-0376483001349088602.jpgAnother Grand Epic

Its 2 am. Having just woken up from another grand epic of a dream, I feel the need to write this on my laptop do get it out. If I go back to sleep some of these details wills be lost forever. That would be such a shame.

I just woke up from a grand scenario. It was a simple setting. A fairly remote museum like facility. It was gloomy with intermittent rain. The viewing area was fairly small but the surrounding grounds to support the viewing area fairy large. Here is the deal. This viewing area is to view zombies. Yes this is a post recovered world from a zombie apocalypse, and this facility has the last zombies and is open to view them.

The viewing area is much like a zoo. The tourists stand on top of this large balcony overlooking the zombie yard. It is partially indoors and outdoors. (presumably for bad weather). I am there as a tourist. But not just one. Like other dreams of this sort, I am every person. At first I am a singular consciousness observing events, but soon I start to shift amongst all the various characters.

Of course, like any good zombie movie, there is going to be an escape of the zombies. In fact standing there, I was in full expectation of what was about to transpire. Much like a a director, I think I made it happen.

It starts off simple. One of the workers manages to get bitten. This zombie infection is much like the rage virus on “28 Days”. From bite to zombie is fairly fast, and zombies are actually alive and can still be killed by normal means.

The worker quickly transfers the infection to others, and it spreads throughout the facility and into the tourists. There is a massive lock down, and soon the entire area is infected with pockets of survivors trying to save themselves.

I can possibly convey the incredible nature of my shifting between characters. There are dozens of them. I am so amazed at my minds ability to hold all these scenarios that seem to be happening simultaneously. Even as I write, I feel some of them start to slip away from my memory. My waking mind just does not have the capacity. A short list of the major events and players.

--The athletic and humorous dog fighter: This character, while attempting to gain high ground was confronted by a huge zombie infected dog. It looked like a massive great Dane. ( reminiscent of resident evil actually). It was an epic struggle. This man was strong and athletic. I could jump and climb. I had access to all my martial arts knowledge and used an extensive arsenal of kicks fending off the large monster. The battle involved holding my ground on top of cars, wrestling with the thing trying to not get bit, climbing buildings only to find that the dog could find its way up as well. All the while, I was having this humerus internal dialogue. I would crack jokes about the dog, and talk to it like an old sparring partner. At some point I realized I was not going to make it. I had been bitten several times, and I noticed that the struggle was being viewed by a crowed of tourists that had managed to hold up on top of one of the tall buildings. In a very short time, I wold be a zombie as well, but I wanted to go out well, so I decided to make my battle with the huge dog more of a martial arts show. Complete with fancy kicks, amazing acrobatic feats, and yes even a bow to the crowed as I felt the virus work its magic on me.

At some point I slipped into the consciousness of one of the on lookers, and I felt his admiration for the warrior below.

The cowardly female security officer turned hero:

This character was an employee of the facility as a security officer who was armed and trained for just this sort of scenario. She was part of a team of officers with specific duties to hunt and kill all the zombies before they cold escape out into the rest of the world. Her attitude was one of complete terror. In fact, she was looking for an opportunity to abandon her post and make a run for it herself. She felt, she did not sign up for this. It was supposed to just be a job. I was with her from start to finish. It was an epic transformation, from dainty high maintenance female who used her gun and status to impress men, but was a cowered on the inside, to a bloody and tattered hero. It was a long struggle and It would be a book to get into every scenario, but like any good movie, her team was slowly picked off until she was alone. And it was her sole responsibly to prevent another apocalypse. Broken and battered, she obtained the opportunity and keys to the locked down facility and started to make a get away. Somewhere in her mind at the last second, an image of a child she loves somewhere. Not her own, possibly a niece, or best friends child flashed through her mind. There was a pause. I guess her maternal instincts took over. Her mind went blank. She turned around bloody and wet from the rain. Her hair was caked onto her cheek from blood and mud, she had a severe limp from some sort of sprained ankle. (Which her previous inability to tolerate had gotten a couple of her team mates killed and turned into zombies.) She walked back into the fray determined to kill every zombie and save everyone she could. I have this last image of her standing in a muddied road in a downpour at night with the last zombie under her boot. I was with her the whole time. Every kill, every save. In the end she separated all the tourists and secured them in holding rooms designed just for this, and killed every zombie. Being in her was my lesson to. I felt the change and the empowerment as if it were me.

The trapped mom:

This character was trapped underneath some sort of walk way. On her back under planks. She spent the entire saga in terror. She could hear all the battles happening just above her. She was discovered a few times by zombies, their teeth just inches from her. Her entire experience was one of an internal dialog. Mostly just coping strategies of thinking about her family and meditating on her life. She was eventually rescued by the hero above.

There were more:

The ingenious kid

The old couple facing death with dignity and unity

the comic relief that broke his leg in a fall, and could only joke.

Stereo types? Archetypes?

There were at least a dozen, but I can feel them and the details fading away from me as I write. I was with them all throughout the whole thing: Every thought and every feeling. Even some of their memories as they self reflected. The mother reflected upon giving birth. I have the memory!!!!! The burning, and deep intense aching. I can remember her heart pounding just as if it were mine. Amazing!!!

Why does this happen? I just lived a horror movie from a dozen perspectives, yet I feel uplifted. I feel strong. Their experiences are my own. I feel like they are accessible. I feel like a seasoned Zombie Killer. Sheeshhh to many movies over the years I guess!

Does this happen all the time, but I just cant remember? So many images, so much life.

As I contemplate the grand reality of all this, I can only marvel at the human mind and spirit. What amazing creatures we are. Not just in mind, but in character. Even though this is just a dream, things like this have happened in war or other violent events. Just amazing. I'm in tears, and I have to thank the great spirit for my gift of awareness.

Its 3:35 am. I feel like a journey is coming. There is a spirit here with me, I can feel it. I have rolling bands of goosebumps pulsing up and down my spine. I wish I could just talk to them without all the hoopla of meditating to vibrations then exit, but I m no medium.

The night is young for me. This lesson is not over.

God bless.

White Crane Feather

Trapped in time, battle comeing, writing to my wife.

Well I'm going to make this short. I could sit here all morning writing about all that happened, but I have other things to do.

I have just awoken from one of those fantastically detailed movie dreams that I have. My dream awareness is incredible. These dreams are epic stories.

This one was a bit different because I was not somone else. This time I was actually me.

The theme of the dream was that somehow I had become trapped back in time. It was in middle or dark ages. I was living with a people in an old castle. They knew I was from the future and treated me well makeing me one of them. I in tern used my modern knowledge to help them. There was Plauge, but I taught them where it was comeing from and I taught them to clean up and we set thousands of bucket traps for the rats, and they were able to abke to stop the plauge. I taught the Warriors martial arts and what I knew about why the Romans were so successful in battle. We used it once to successfully fend off an attack by some particularly barbarian like people..Vikings maybe. I also taught them jujitsu and started teaching classes to their children about all that I know about modern knowledge. I kept the classes very practicle about what was usfull in their time.

Lots of other things happens.

Finally we discovered another invasion was comeing. A lot bigger this time. They wanted me to leave and be protected, but I felt that I had become one of them and if they were going to stand a chance they needed me. There were a lot of kids I had grown fond of and I wanted to give them the best shot possible.

My last images were sitting at a table. They let me have a bunch of gold coins that I had gotton melted into a thin tablet. I was etching a note to my wife telling her how much I loved her and the kids and what happend to me. I was planning to hide it somewhere to give it the best chance of being discovered one day by a scientist. I was going back and forth sharpening my weapons and etching the note when I woke up.

Crazy crazy dreams. I wish I had the patience to be a writer.

Thanks for listening.

White Crane Feather

Interesting Thanks Giving Morning

( I posted this in the weird dreams thread but thought it would be s good entry here as well)

There was some strange energy very early this morning for me. I was having a nightmare where my 3 year old kept getting away from me. He kept working his way down a steep ravine full of brush that only he could fit in between. There was a river at the bottom. You can imagine I was horrified. He made it to the river but I managed to catch up with him. Releaved we watched some fishermen catch fish and it be came kinda fun. Then strangely my son ended up across the river walking away again, but i noticed a hag like woman trying to lewer him away. I swam the river and persued. I was extrmey anxious. I caught up with him and scooped him up. She came out of the bushes and made an aggressive motion towards me hissing with her face contorted. As soon as she did I gain lucidity. I'm fairly exsperienced at lucidness, so I blasted her with my mind disintegrating her. But then various objects started transforming into aggressive nightmare like creatures. I started to blast them. I was in attack mode and just started to blast everything. ( something like you might see on a movie with somone with psychic super powers). I realized that my frame of mind was all wrong and would create a hell of I did not take control of my fear. I stopped and steadied myself. As the monsters emerged I gently let them slip away instead of attacking. It worked. My environment calmed down, then my son said "good job Daddy". I said "thanks booba". His nickname (actually we call all our kids booba)

I looked around at the now calm brushy forest up the bank from the river and gently woke my self up.

When I awoke I had pulsing chill/goosebumps rolling through me. Also a hint of the mid conciousness vibrations. I was not in sleep paralisis, but could tell I was not fully there. I was in a hypnagogic state and anxiety was creeping back up. I started to see forms shuffling around my room. Something started to take shape in front of me. I could feel myself slipping down. I had to make a choice to embrace it and have a conversation with this thing, or bring myself back up to be fully awake. I buried the anxiety, but I was not in the mood to deal with spirits/hypnagogic illusions ( you decide which), so I took control of my conciousness and started to bring myself out. It took longer than usual. When I was almost out a barely visible humanoid transparent figure walked through my open bedroom door. I was sitting up, I said out loud. "Not right now, it's thanksgiving morning, I don't want to deal with anything I'm on vacation, if it's lmportant talk to me on Monday" by the end of the sentence I was fully out of my trance. My wife mumbled something "whaaaa who are you talking to?".... Then she answered herself "oh.... Yeah... ( still very much mumbling) Well tell them to go away, it's creepy when you do that"

I just went back to sleep with a personal affirmation that my dreams would be calm and not remembered.

Yeah.... so that was my morning. Got a beautiful Pacific salmon in a Native American earth oven. About 25 people coming over latter.

Happy thanks giving.

White Crane Feather

I find myself contemplating my mortality

I'm sitting here on the coach trying to shake this mood I have put myself into.

Yesterday I went to the doctor. My left breast has been sore and it wasn't going away. Turns out I have some sort of cyst. Funny thing is that the cyst dosnt hurt but the areas behind it does. This is a symptom of and advanced stage of male breast cancer. A rare condition. Tuesday I have an appointment with a specialist.

Nothing is sure yet, but I find myself deeply disturbed by it anyway. I don't mind a fight with cancer, I don't even really mind dying. But I just don't want to leave my three boys. I have sooooo much to show them.

I can't help but wonder if all these visions lately are some sort of preparation. I cant stand the thought of my little baby not remembering me or my older boys growing up without me. It's breaking my heart.

All of my knowledge and the things I have seen make life even more precious to me.

Im going to do some very deep prayer in the days to come. If you pray please join me.

White Crane Feather

Another victory !

Another victory over fear, sleep paralysis, and shadow.

Again I am so elated when this finally happens for people. All I can do is thank the great spirit.

Sent to me from a friend here on um.

"Hi Seeker.

I know I have a different username now but for some reason UM are saying my account doesn't work anymore.. Besides, the pic in my new profile looks a bit more like me..

So.... I could'nt wait to tell you this... You'll be so proud!!

I got out for the first time this morning. Massive smile!!!!

It all started when I was woken up at 4:19am from a bad Adam Sandler dream lol then, as a sleep paralysis "sufferer" I do have extreme trouble getting to sleep once woken so I satyed awake for about 45 mins to an hour, felt groggy so I went back to sleep..

The dream I then had turned lucid, as usual I took advantage and flew around a bit but then I thought about astral projection because again, lately I've been trying to get up at 3:30am to prep myself for an experience. Anyway, remember last time my dream turned lucid and I said in my dream "I'm going to astral project" and I was wound (pulled) back from my dream and into my bed and then I heard the extremely loud crackling etc but got too excited so I didn't get out.. you should know the story, you posted it on your blog :)anyway, learned from that experience and in this lucid dream I said these words "I'm going to astral project, no crackling, no hesitation, I'm simply going to lift from my body with ease"..

Anyway, wound up straight back in my bed, I felt groggy, was sleeping on my side but more so on my stomach if that makes sense, I had one arm hanging off the side of the bed. This is where it got awesome!!

My legs (of all things lol) started to lift, quite naturally actually, it felt real, in the groggy state I was in I wouldn't have found the energy to do that physically, anyway, I knew it was happening, I didn't get too excited (learned from last time) and I then thought about being next to the wall (which was about 1 meter to the left of my bed)..

Thing is here, because I had just been lucid dreaming about flying and in this dream particular I was trying to fly as fast as I possibly could (I love flying in lucidity), when I thought about projecting my body to the wall to the left I ended up going really fast, haha I went straight through it..

Then I thought, well, as cool as just having flown through my bedroom wall was it was not my main intention and I understand that I need to start off slow so I wished myself back in my room. And there I was, back, instantly..

I could not see too much and felt extremely groggy but I knew I was out. I wanted someone there with me, so I wished for a girl about my age 28, and there was a girl, she didn't seem so vivid, her presence was more dream like, and this stays between you and me *******( private)****

However, everytime I tried to open my eyes I was laying in my bed again, I could see that arm of mine hanging off the side of the bed, but somehow knew I was still in a strong connection with the astral state, I pulled both my hands together (which I couldn't see) and rubbed them, blowing on them (seeing my physical hand sat still hanging off the bed in the background) and my hands started to faintly show up. Then I swung myself vigorously to the right side of my bed and grabbed my curtain ( which was not my usual curtain by the way) and pulled myself up on it. I kept finding myself still feeling like I was out but then if I opened my eyes I was in bed. I somehow kept not realising that I don't actually have to open my eyes, I just have to get used to seeing in the astral which is different to normal vision (is that right)?

Actually at one point, the place in space time that I felt I was in was right at my ceiling but I opened my eyes so I could see my body but when I did again, I was just in my bed..

I ended up getting out about 5 times. all without vibrations, simply just sortof understanding and trusting that it was happening(this is my first time)...

At the last time, I had forgotten about the girl and floating about the room, I wanted more, so I tried again (I couldn't beleive how easy it was to get out), no vibrations, or difficulties, anyway I felt a VERY REAL (this reminded me of sleep paralysis) tugging on my legs, someone was at the end of my bed tugging at my legs as if to say, come on get out again, there's heaps to do.. It was at that point that I asked a spirit guide (I assumed that's what was tugging at me) to help me out again, and she did..

Oh, my god, don't ask me how I knew it was a woman but I just did (not the other girl either) this one was more angelic than anything, but I couldn't see her, I could see a sillouette of her shape, if I could describe what she looked like, I would say well, crystal clear water. I was then sat up on my bed (out) and reached out for her hand, she held my hand (her hand felt cold but not unusally cold, just cold like someone's hand normally feels when you hold them and they haven't been laying in a nice warm bed all night, it also felt very fragile and feminine like, ah petites maybe the word..) anyway, we got up and started to walk towards the door as if to go on an adventure, but then I was back in bed and couldn't get back out..

It was then 9:33am (no work today)

Wrote it all down staright away.


-----she also no longer feels fear either-----

its strange calling this typical, but the gist of it is close to how I came to know the spirit world aswell. It seems to be the way the spirits awaken us. Based on the choices we make to learn and overcome our fears. I am so greatful for my part in it and the great spirit working through me. So greatful in so many ways. I think there is a world wide awakening beginning. I dont mean to sound all prophetic but I cannot deni what I have seen and learned.

White Crane Feather

Disaster Disaster Disaster

What the **** just happened?

I'm Laying here moments after a very disturbing event. I'm still trying to wrap my mind around it. I'm in tears actually at this moment. I know there is a few people that believe me about the **** that happens to me, but this is one of those instances that takes the cake.

I woke up laying in bed. Some sort of noise woke me up, not one of the normal noises of my house. My niece, mother, and two boys all make certain kinds of sounds. It was none of them. I removed my walther p38 from the bedside safe, I chamber a round... then I think better of it and remove the magazine then remove the round from the chamber and replace the magazine. If I am startled I won't be able to just shoot. I will have to consciously chamber another round. This places a cognitive check incase I don't really want to shoot. It's just a way of preventing an accident.

I clear the house. Check the Windows and doors...nothing.

I then lay down after replacing the walther feeling relaxed an satisfied that everyone is safe. I have an entire house of women an children to protect, and I take that role very seriously.

I then decide to journey. I initiate vibration. It did not take long. There was a slight up and down motion then I'm standing up out of body. I turn to float away, and out of nowhere my wife sits up an grabs my arm. "Here" she says, "throw this away for me." I am shocked at this. She hands me something small. I am in doubt that I have exited, this would be something she would do, but seconds latter I am back in my body. In the last seconds before leaving trance I see mischievous and somehow familure smile cross my wife's face...........----**** NOT MY WIFE !!!!! Were my thoughts.

I'm Laying there now fully back and I sit up to look at her. Sound asleep and as beautiful as ever. I have got picture perfect lovely Philippina wife.

Ok..... This needs to be looked into. I lay back initiate vibrations again. I exit and start to get up but she suddenly has me by my arm again. This Time I am ready. I turn toward her and slam my will into her ( a bit like an astral punch) while saying "who the **** are you!!"

No effect. The grip tightens. It's very tight but not painful. There is a firmness and control to it, the way you would control a child having temper tantrum. She flings me sideways back into my body.

I sit up. Looking back at her sound asleep. I utter under my breath, that whatever you are you are not getting away with that. My ego martial art instructor bravado I guess. I lay back down for another go at this.

Vibrations came briefly then faded again then faded. I could not back....but during my last try my lips and tung start to move an begin to mouth something in a Studder. Completely not my doing.

"Dddddddddd ddd d d dis disaster, disaster, disaster."

I sit up ----- holy **** what was that?!?! ( I apologize form my words i tend to revert to my father's sailor habits when I get excited)

I am sitting up in bed in disbelief and tears. Nothing has ever done that before.

It took me a few moment to calm down. But finally I decided the best thing to do is to go back to sleep.

I lay down and start listening to my wife's and baby's breathing. It always comforts me. But there is a problem. I have rolling bands of goose bumps coursing through me. They pulsate when there is a visitor. It's still here. I don't feel threatened. But it's still disturbing given what just happened.

Then something totally unexpected happens. I am not altered in any way. Fully awake and pondering events. I'm on my side looking at my baby with the blankets pulled up to my ears.

My wife starts to stir awake, it's dark but light enough for silhouettes. She sits up. I lay motionless but with my eyes cracked open watching her. She adjusts the covers around the baby for better warmth. Then she stops. A change in her posture somehow I can't explain it. She looks straight at me.

Out loud, "So....did You throw it away?" I pretended to be asleep. No way she could tell I was awake and all of that did not happen in normal reality. It was entirely an obe event, yet here she is awake an asking about it. It's not over.

She lays back down. The frequency of massive Pulsating chills are overwhelming....then the most amazing thing happens. I hear this noise like an air compressor release valve. It's a real noise, I am wide awake and the room... Mabey the whole house literally decompresses. I can feel it in my ears and there is a significant movement of air through at least our room along with the sound.


I don't know what else to say. I'm still in a bit of shock. Time will tell what it all means I guess. I just surrender myself to God the great spirit. Whatever I am to do with all this, I'll leave it up to them ( the powers that be) to let me know when and how. I just hope I'm not nuts.

Is it selfish of me to hope that if there is a disaster that it's not here? GOD I hope it is one of those bread crumb words and not an actual disaster.

Thanks for listening.

Follow up.

After finishing that blog early this morning I got up to take a pee. When I got back I was crawling into bed slowly as to not wake the baby or my wife. Then my wife reached out and her hand grabbed my arm. I just about jumped out of my skin. It was just the way it went down when altered same arm  and everything.

She wanted to make love. We made out little pallet on the floor and all was set right. :)

I don't know. She must have been thinking about this while sleeping and as I projected it must have stimulated her to react the way she would latter. Often dreams are about planning for future events. I think I jumped the gun a bit with spirits and such. I just wasn't expecting to interact with my wife that way. Still the "disaster" thing is still disturbing. Regardless I live a blessed if not crazy life. I still have a lot to learn about altered state interpretation. 

I'm so very blessed. Thank you god. 

White Crane Feather

Death Aproaching

Last night I took my mother to the emergency room. She has been getting weeker and sicker with each passing month. last year I was visited by my father, and he told me she was on her way, and now I have been observing this death process for the second time. I was 19 the first time and it was very difficult.

Strangley or mabey not so strange I

am unphased by death or the prospect of it. Even the prospect of loosing a loved one does not pack the same punch. It makes me feel guilty, that I am apathetic. In all internal honesty I have rolled, jumped, sprung, and floated out of my body so many times and met spirits and the dead so many times that I have become 100% sure that the other side is just a shift away...... death being a `lucid dream` in which we never wake. Others will disagree with me of course, but they have not seen what I have nor does it matter.... they will one day.

Its a very strange place to be in psycologically. Im in her hospital room listening to her sounds while in severe discomfort. I am deeply concerned for her, and want despretly to alliviate her suffering, yet at the same time I feel the rite of passage, the bitter sweat sometimes gruling and painful march and cycle of life unfolding before my very eyes. I felt so greatful for our lives. All of our lives. The greatness, the beauty, the wonder, the pain, and even the horror. There is a completeness to it that frames our existance on this world.

My mother is one of the very few people in my personal life that knows a little bit about the extent of my experiences. She still has very strong native american features and beliefs. her great grand mother was born on the trail of tears. She asks me what she should do once she is there. She knows I am more concerned than normal. I told her not to worry about that, they will be waiting.

She suffered a very mild fall a few weeks ago, but it was `the` fall. With older people on their way out, there always seems to be a fall that signifies their final tilt down. Also, my 2 year old, Logan, came out and sat silently with her on the front step as she waited for me to gather a few things. I watched them face each other in silence. Logan sat there with strong posture and a strange confidence very much untoddler like. He glanced around for a moment as if searching for words, then he just tilted his head and smiled. She smiled back, and I realized I was watching two souls a generation apart embraceing without embraceing potentially for the last time.

I would have teard up ....... I would now as I write, but it dosnt come . Im not jaded. I am greatful. So very greatful that I am so privledged to wittness such a masterful master piece of a moment....true ultimate beauty upon the earth, a work of art of the spirit wrapped in the gaze of an old indian woman and her two year old grandson.

Thank you , thank you , thank you god for my life .......

ok , now im crying .

White Crane Feather

Another one for the good guys.

Children are so incredible. In traditional societies children like this were identified early as shaman, and were accepted and given a framework to live happily within their tribe. Unfortunately we have repressed these parts of our existence and kids like this often grow up with many problems.

This youngster is so lucky to have a dad that's actually looks for information and makes an effort to understand. Awesome

A message he sent to me. I am do thrilled to see this happening.

"So I think my son is also a natural for this.  I talked more with him tonight and he confirmed some things he had experience without me even explaining what you and I had discussed or what I had previously read in the forum. (After his recollection of things, I did give him some info, in a very casual way)...well he was all eager ears.

He stated:

a feeling of being pinned down or couldn't quite move his arms and legs, but being awake (not in a horrible way, just a "I couldn't move" way - not a negative explanation at all like some people recant about negative forces holding you down)

"seeing" a dark form that had eyes looking at him - he was not afraid.

- something dark hovering near the ceiling one time near the ceiling fan.

(He asked me if that has happened to others and I told him for these experiences, it was quite normal and he should never be afraid.  He even knew about lucid dreaming without knowing what the name was.  About how the mind could be awake while the body sleeps and he heard that you could even control what happens.  this from a 9 year old who never talked with me about the "whys" of it.)

-jolting himself awake on purpose to free himself.  felt it was a dream but was somehow awake.

so, remembering what you said, I started to tell him a couple of things that happened to me and how he shouldn't be afraid.  He immediately interjected that he knew that "Dad...the dark figures or what some other people call demons, are just the things they are afraid of I think and they are not real demons"  Seeker, I was like holy ****!!! this kid already knows more than me, we never had talked about that aspect-ever.  I think he learned some from TV but he is wiser than any 9 year old I ever knew (not just cause he my kid either)  He is exceptionally bright and super open to all things spiritual.  

He also went on to say how much he liked the experiences and that he really really wanted to communicate with spirits. BADLY. lol.

I then just took it all in and told him how, if it happens again, to not be afraid if he feels stuck or paralysed again, and in that moment, he can reassure himself that nothing bad will happen to him and if he just tells himself to go with the flow, the panic of not being able to move or if he feels something is looking at him, can let that fear flow away and not to worry.  He was so receptive the next thing he said was, "I hope it happens tonight dad. I want to control my dream and travel places and fly"  He is amazing. really.

We share a lot of the same qualities, old family friends call him mini-----.  My other younger son is so opposite of him in his own ways.

Anyhow, just wanted to share. I could tell there was a sense of relief that came over him when I told him I had some same experiences.   I was paraphrasing above of course, but it was such a fun relaxed conversation and he is completely fearless with all of it, and has a sense of wonder about it.  He knows already what astro projection is and his open mind is wanting so bad to know more without hesitation."

White Crane Feather

Another beautiful confirmation

Several nights ago I exited my body and in our room was an angel. I know her well actually. She was looking over my three year old. It seems she comes at night while the kids are dreaming and she sort of over seas it. My son was one out aswell he was sitting on the edge of the bed, but his body was still lying down. He was talking with her and playing with her gown. She saw me watching and waved. They interacted for some time and then she left through the wall. My son moved over to my side of the bed to look out the window and she floated into the sky.

Yesterday my wife told me that he said that " me and daddy saw a nice ghost on it floated up into the sky". My wife made note of it because it was peculiar thing to say. Just this morning he told me.

Angles are real. Beautiful spirits that look after us and try to help us through this life and even heal us in the next. They have come to me to help others, they have protected me, and they have looked after my children.

ASK, if you are reading this read my blog


When I woke up from that, the first thing I got was your first email. If you don't beleive me check the time stamps. You are loved and they want you to live.

White Crane Feather

Wow! What a night!

What a night!!!!!

I was up a little late watching some television, some science program on fusion. My wife is running the CIM today, so I knew I had to be up early to drive her there, so i decided not to sleep in my bed because the baby kicks me all night, and I wouldn't sleep.

I have been feeling a little off kilter lately. Not sure why? I'm having problems getting back into the kind of shape I was before the knee injury and my motivation has been sapped.  I have to be at the elementary school 4 times a day for drop off and pic up of my two boys. It breaks the day up to where it seems like I can't get anything done. Anyway the point is that I have not been feeling like myself. I still dream every night all night I remember most when I wake up, but I forget if I don't write them now. There really is no point anymore It would just be volumes of writing every day.

 I haven't really taken any  journeys lately. Just don't see the need to. I have done so much OOB now, and I feel god with me all the time, so the spirit search is really over. My questions are answered to my satisfaction. 

Tonight was different. I wanted to confront this creeping melancholy I have been feeling. 

Vibrations came quickly. There was no reason to rush an exit, I have pretty much mastered this state now so I just let them course through me. They are so pleasurable now. It's like my entire body being caressed by energy. Finally I exit.... But wait I'm out but part of me is still stuck in, I can feel my body pulling back at me. I couldn't figure out what's wrong. I look back at myself on the sofa and use the force of my will to make my body let go. It gives in but reluctantly.

Crap!!! I'm then zinging around the room in uncontrolled spins. I have been through this before a long time ago... It shouldn't be happening. I don't have my head on straight. This is this slump. I'm manifesting It in my altered state control. I yell STOP!!!!!!

It did. I'm kneeling on my floor. Something is terribly wrong!  I feel it. The presence. My shadow. It's back. It's testing me. I knew it could never truly go away, and deep inside I knew it pops up for everyone now and then. The sickening fear wants to well up in me. If I succumb to it I will come to back in my body in sleep paralysis.  I know better. I have walked dozens and dozens of people through these encounters before. 

If I were someone else I  might believe a NEG or a demon was upon me, but I don't buy it for a second. It's me. Its my shadow. The animal part of myself. 

I give a quick thanks to Carl Jung and stand up to face it. The fear is still there but I let if flow through me and not get stuck. I wish I can explain it better than that. It would be awesome to teach others, but how possibly can one describe such a thing. 

I find it in the dark part of the hallway. It's standing there man like with it's head distorted. I can't make out any features. I don't say it but I think the words ---hello old friend---. 

Then I walk into the hallway.  

I stand maybe three feet in front of it. It's dark, so it's mostly a silhouette but it's features are distorted. This is the moment in the horror film that everyone is telling the dumb idiot standing in front of the creature to run. 

I wait a few moments then I say "well how are we going to do this" just as I say that it opens up its head like some sort of crazy alien movie or the leviathans on a Supernatural episode. It shocked me a bit at the Hollywood nature of it, but I barely hesitated. I threw my fist right down the to the back of its throat. When I made contact i grabbed probably something like a spine. I spun my hip into it and rotated lifting my right leg. ( a spring hip Judo throw... My favorite). It went over, but I felt this massive pressure in my arm. I did shove it down it's gullet full of massively sharp teeth... But I am well aware that those are not real teeth and this is not my real arm. What power that gives me. 

I have fully mounted it, and I am now squeezing the life out of it. I will not let go of its "spine". I crush with my bare "hands". I feel it's energy dissipate. I feel my shadow... The animal part of myself slide up my arm and settle deep inside of me were it should be. 

I then come to back in body..... God that feels good. It's literally like feeling lighter. All those negative feelings of late evaporated. I'm not totally normal yet though. As I look up at the ceiling, I can see these blue energetic currents like lightning running through everything. Cool. I watch them for a bit until they dissipate and I'm normal .  I chuckle a bit in sort of a sympathetic thought. Those poor people that think those things are real demons. I feel so bad for the them and the fear they must live with. I vowed to never stop educating people about this....ever.

I then reinitiate vibrations and exit again. I'm standing in my living room completely in control again. 

I simply zoom out of the house in flight and over my neighborhood. There is a big storm going on right now, so I fly straight up into the night. I go to the stars. I feel cleansed by them. I just go. I fly to different stars. I accelerate to extreme speeds and fly to a different galaxy.  I dive straight for its galactic core, and then there is some sort of phase shift. I'm in some kind of state that I cannot comprehend. Not worried or nervous, but it's just a mess of colors and noises. Where ever I'm at now, I may not have the framework to understand. I eventually bring myself back.

I fall asleep after and have some awesome lucid dreams. One was where I am Kiano Reves  and some annoying agent is walking with me. Being fully lucid now i keep moving stuff in his way. Then Finally I just make him go away. I then for fun float a suv and launch it into space. Then I manifest a phone in my hand.

And create an loud voice in my dream  world. " attention, this is my brain and here i am the ruler of the world. ( i know silly and a bit childish, but at the time it seemed funny) I mess around with odd super powers a little bit. Mostly like telekinesis and manifesting objects. I also create a person, but I did not get her quite right. She looked a little funny.

I spend the rest of the night fading in and out of different dreams. At some point I dreamt my kids came downstairs and hugged me. Afterwords I was a little disturbed because I was having difficulty distinguishing the dream world from the real one. At one point I was so lucid I was fully asleep but I knew I was asleep. I could just lay there asleep but aware at the same time. A very strange state. Not dreaming but fully aware but also sleeping. I guess you could call it dreaming that you are sleeping.

That was my night. I don't feel tired or anything so my rem cycle must be ok with all this.

White Crane Feather

A fantastic long epic.

Wow....just wow.

Sometimes I am so amazed at the power of the human mind.

I call them movie dreams. But the word dream does not describe the length and detail of them.

Last night's saga was so remarkably long and detailed I feel compelled to share it. Even doing a quick summery is going to be fairly long.

It's started off with me and my family vacationing in New York city. This is rare. For my movie dreams I usually am not me and I even switch characters, but not this time I am myself. We are staying at this large hotel much like a Vegas hotel that has department stores in it.

Quit suddenly I see a very large jet archs by the building turning sideways and I know it's going to crash nearby, in fact so close I know it's going damage the building we are in. At the top of my lungs I scream for every one to drop to the ground and cover their necks and faces. My three boys are close to me, but my wife is not. They are confused at my order and are not acting fast enough, so I am forced to shove them into the ground and put their hands over their faced. I did not have time to do it right all I can do is get them to cover themselves. I'm angry because everyone else is hypnotized by the drama about to explode outside and I know they are all going to get a face full of glass. No one is listening. I also manage to pull a small kyack off a shelf and place it over my boys. It's too small to totally cover them all, but provides some protection. When the explosion happens it's far worse than I thought.

Glass and bits of concrete are raining on us. I throw myself over my children. I get a glance of my three year old desperately trying to cover his face with his little hands before I am totally on top of him. I could have covered them better if I had more time, but all of this is happening in seconds.

Every thing goes black and dusty for a bit, but soon everything is quite for a second then the cries of the injured go up. We are cut up a bit, but ok. I gather my boys up and we find my wife. She is ok also but like us just minor injuries. I start to hear other percussion sounds, so I quickly move my family out of the building. Outside its much worse than I thought. Other explosions are beginning to happen around the city. There is also water rushing into the city. Some sort of apocalyptic event is under way.

Then the strangest thing happens. It is a dream after all. My family and I are transported back in time to our room about twenty minutes before it all starts to happen. It's not just me that remembers. My wife and kids all remember what just or will happen. We are disoriented at first, but I start acting fast. To gather what we will need. There is no time to escape the city and I know chaos is about to unfold. Everyone is crying but I am urgently barking orders at them. It's a very surreal feeling. My last thing I shove in my pocket is my Walther P38. A weapon that my father left me. Not sure why I have it with me as opposed to some of my other weapons, it's a wwII heirloom, but it's what I have. The last thing I do before ushering my family downs stairs is look out the window. I can see the first jet approaching on the horizon. It's almost night and I can see it's running lights.

Anyway. We move to safety as it all starts to unfold again. I'm frightened, but encouraged that somone power had given us the opertunity to be forewarned. But all of this is just the beginning. The weeks and months that unfolds after that was a survival nightmare. I lived through all of it. I can't believe it can fit in my head. I can't possibly tell it all. Everything from avoiding gangs of looters to periodic to tsunami like innundations. Protecting my family was my soul focus while trying to get them to safety. The world was in utter chaos. I even resorted to theft myself of food for my little ones. It's making me tear up as write this. I know for sure that I myself am not above certain things and extreme violence to protect my family.

What a thing to learn about yourself experientially. Its hard to understand and severely humbling. So I guess I will explain a couple of major events.

At one point we were confronted by a gang. With my family behind me I was force to use my weapon. I mostly fired warning shots, but I only had 9 rounds. I did hit one in the leg, but I really did not want to kill anyone. My wife is a very pretty Asian woman and I knew what would happen if I faild. Most of them ran, but one very large thug was on drugs or something. He ended up tackling me. I was now in the struggle of my life. Now I do teach self defense for a living. I have been practicing martial arts for my entire life. ( I own a school). Nearly 20 years of jujitsu payed off emensly. I was able to keep him in my guard ( between my leggs) to fend off the power of his blows. My hands were preoccupied with keeping my weapon away from him. I could not afford to loose, so I pointed it at his head and pulled the trigger. The weapon didn't fire. This is a very old heirloom weapon. I know what happened, some times the magazine will not feed a round into the chamber. It gets stuck, because I really don't shoot this weapon because modern grains are no good for older weapons. As a result I don't oil it that much. Anyway, so now I'm actually field stripping my weapon while fighting this huge guy with only my leggs. The walther comes apart pretty easy, and I was able to dislodge the round and put the weapon back together again, but I was tiring. My legs were wraped around him in what's called a triangle choke, but I did not have my hips right and his upper body was very large. My leggs didn't fit right so he wasn't really being choked. He started to lift me up and slam me down. I had no choice. With the weaponing functioning now I killed him.

I was in shock. But I did not have time to be emotional. I gathered up my family and ran.

The rest

More fighting

Sleeping under bleachers

Catching rats and birds and sifting through the tsunami debri for food or survival items. Joining with others but sometimes they would turn on us.

Avoiding other gangs

Constant search for non contaminated water

Constant threat of more tsunami like inundations. We could never sleep on low grown. It always had to be up high somewhere. So many people had been killed.

It took a very long time to reach more ruel less affected areas. It felt like forever. All my kids and wife were ok if not traumatized.

I remember being relieved to see a convoy of military vehicles. I was in hope that it was finally over. A young soldier as he drove by pitched a large package of food and other items out to me. I put my hand over my heart to express gratitude and he saluted me.

When I woke up I gasped. My wife heard me and just moved close. She knows that my dreams are like this sometimes.... She dosnt even ask.

I find it amazing so much can happen in our minds, but the problem is that I feel like I have lived through this. I feel grateful yet traumatized. I end up dwelling on the experiences for days. It can't be good for me. I will have to redouble my efforts not to remember all of this stuff.

On a side note. I fell asleep again. I dreamed of a news cast of a child drowning in some sort of water main break. I could see it happening though. The workers were working very hard to fix the problem and the child literally drowned right behind them. God I hope it's not going to happen. Sometimes these dreams come true and just hate it. Why the **** would I be shown something like that if its real and not be able to do anything about it. It's very very disturbing when they come true.

I suppose I should just focus on keeping myself sane, I do have a real life to live.

Thanks for listening

White Crane Feather

Another visit to pure creation

Me and the kids fell asleep on the sofa again. We are having problems keeping the upstairs cool, so it's much cooler downstairs for sleeping. Of course I never sleep well when the kids are by me.

It must have been about 3 am. I woke up. Got some water. Then I decided to take the journey. It was nearly instant. I don't think I have ever fallen into trance so fast. I felt the necessary shift in conciousness then I got up ( I just get up these days as a exit technique). Of course I felt I may have gotten up physically, but a quick search for vibrations shows that indeed I am not in physical. I go outside and walk into the night. Beautiful life currents are running through the trees and and plants and the sounds of the might are amplified like a song. Strange I can't see the stars. It's summer their should be no clouds. I wondered for a moment if I created them.

I try to fly, but for some reason my mind is still concerned with these clouds that shouldn't be there. I sort of sputter and am not able to take off. Then I just lay back and expect my higher self or that angle to take over. Nope again I just float a second then come down.

That's when I say to myself, --this is rediculouse, I have flown hundreds of times---

Then i just do it. I give up all mental cloudiness and shoot off into the night sky. I'm still low to the ground, but I have perfect control. Why must I let doubt creep into my thoughts?

Anyway, I decide to go back to heaven. I simply decide that after I crossover the next hill reality will shift to heaven. It did without a hitch.

I come upon a beautiful sparkling landscape next to an ocean. I fly along it's coast for a bit. No sign of anyone else. Just me. The ocean waves are huge, but not threatening. They churn and boil with a deep blue color to the water. The sky is lit but yet I can still see a deep starfield. ---Wow! I wish others could see this.---

I land on a beech. The waves boil up the beech. And inside of the tiny bubbles ( don't ask me how) I can see intertangled fillaments of GALAXYS!! Every bubble has them. looking down the beech I'm struck with with the most incredible awe knowing that all of those boiling bubbles in the white water of the waves are universes full of galaxies full of stars and full of life. After walking on that beech for a while, I turn to walk home. I did not want to fly. I turn away from that ocean and start a treck a cross the landscape. I look back at the ocean and I wished I could take it with me. Then quit suddenly the ocean rises up and is at my feat again. I was alarmed for about 2 seconds with natural instincts to run if a large body of water moves toword you. I quickly put those anxieties down. obviously there is no danger.

I reach down and let the leading edge of the surf to wash over my hand, and I get the sensation the the ocean is glad for my company almost like...well.... A dog or my one year old. A deeply innocent love for my attention.

I make a motion for the ocean to go ahead and follow me home. A sort of come on motion with my hand. As I walk back to that hill the surf follows me. Still boiling and turning out universes. I turn back to the water and motion stop. I'm a bit saddened. Im feeling it's emotions. I remind it that I am in one of its bubbles and that I am deeply aware of its presence. Them I am beginning to realize I am the child. Look at me standing in the presence of the great spirit, yet I'm telling it not to follow me home. How silly is this?

I look back at the ocean In wonderment. I know the ocean does not feel slighted that my attention has to turn elsewhere but now that I am fully aware of the relationship, I can't help but wonder if I'm doing or thinking something wrong. Should I niell and prey? I'm treating this wonderful eternal conciousness like a pet!!!! In most religions that's grounds for damnation.

The ocean once again rises for the surf to swirl at my feet, and. And now I can sense it's response. There is no point in such musings we are just here.

Again feeling a deep penetrating love. I turn and walk over the hill. The water follows me up until I cross into my yard. I look back one more time but the veil has been dropped its my neighbors yard. I decide to not wake up normally. I reach down into myself and dive all the way through the layers of conciousness until I find sleep.

I wake up this morning and it took a few minutes to remember. I got up and got some water, then gasped as the water jogged my memory.

Strangely a marine layer has created an overcast condition. I have never seen that happen in late June where I live .... Ever.

Quite a Morning!!

White Crane Feather

Three muskateer dream


Another cool dream. I was feeling little tired this afternoon, so I took nap upstairs. The dream started of with me being some sort bartender in what seemed like an old French tavern or saloon. At one point I saw myself in the mirror. I had long hair with a long trimmed mustache with brown hair.

Quit suddenly a group of men came into the bar with swords drawn. The whole theme was sort of a Three musketeers scenario. I immediately started go calculate my odds against the men. I had some sort o military training an I thought my odds were pretty good if could maintain higher ground. I also had a secret. There was a very special weapon behind some of the bottles of whisky. A razor sharp flexible sword that was some sort of relic. In fact it was what the men were come for.

They started to interrogate me while I played dumb. I was waiting for the right moment to retrieve the sword, when I miscalculated how aggressive they will become. Two men leaped over the bar and on grabbed me and shove me against the shelves with the spirits. I had my hand instinctively protecting my neck and a small dagger penetrated my hand. The were holding me against the shelves intent on killing me. I panicked for just a second chastising myself for not taking the initiative. That's when A calm cam over me and all my training was accessible. I took my hand an knocked away the whisky an spirits to reveal the sword. I yelled at them that they could have it. Revealing the sword brought a stop to the action an an awe in all the men even me. It was a very special relic though I can't recall what for. Taking advantage of the pause I grabbed the sword and spun the guy on me into the other while slashing his neck. Without hesitating I followed him as a fell into the other using him as a shield. I dispatch the other as he caught the other. The sword was light an flexible like wielding a large razor blade. ( this actually makes a lot of sense to me, I have competed and teach with the Chinese broad sword which is usually made out of spring steal for safety)

I then leaped onto the bar an engaged the others. A fantastic battle ensued (similar to movies of the three muskateers mixed with Chinese acrobatic kung fun). I was very good.

I woke up when finally defeating their leader in an acrobatic maneuver.

Very cool dream. This one was not a epic as some of the others, but it was worthy of mention. On a side note, I was at a gun and knife show today and there were very interesting sword pieces and bayonets.

White Crane Feather

Witch attack

Last night me and the boys were playing downstairs and they fell asleep on the sofa. I fell asleep on the floor right in front of them.

Quit suddenly I woke up to this loud cackling noise. A quick look and there are all these stero typical looking witches surrounding us cackling. I leap to my feet, now realizing I'm either dreaming or OOB. They have no eyes.

I raise my hands and flood the room with white light dispersing them. Then I walk around the house a bit floodeding every corner of the house with light. Then I go back and wake up.

Eyeless old evil things almost always is an omen of a flue. Now one of the boys just got over one, but These things were different. Glad I have been dosing on vitamin c. I did not like that sound and previous eyeless entities were more like zombies. These things were more animated. We will see, I have stocked up on children's Advil, garlic, ginger, musterd, and chicken bullion cubes. Let the good times roll.

White Crane Feather

Floated out this morning

I used the float out exit technique this morning. It is a very profound swnsation. It seems like you float of your bed while wide awake... very cool .Did some flying, went downstairs to see my niece getting ready for work ( she lives with us). Nothing crazy. ( well besides the whole flying around business :) )

A couple of things to report. I think there is something wrong with my root chakra. ( I know this is funny but) I felt as if Somone was holding onto my crotch area a hard pressure in the whole area. I tried a few times to push it away, but for some reason it persisted. I ignored it but it never really went away.

Also I think my baby crashed into me in the astral. I had just returned when I hear his crying then wam something crashes into me. It shocked me back to normal reality. I look over at him. He is asleep on the otherside of the bed, ( wife went for a run) and seconds latter he wakes up crying. Then I say to him while binging him closer to me "hmmm haveind some control issues are we little one"


If anyone has any clue about that hard pressure in my groin area please let me know. It was very annoying.. I have had it once before also.

White Crane Feather

The successful vision quest of a friend.

So I had the pleasure of giving some tips to a friend seeking a vision. He had read my recent vision quest and decided to perform one of his own. I do not recommend this sort of questing for everyone. This person is unusually connected with nature and has the a strong independent power. Self reliance exsoetiencr is very important with this sort of activity. I thank him for allowing me to post his story. It makes me very proud have Been able to be apart of his journey. You will see ********* in places that I think provide information that might be able to identify him.

His story

Where to start? I guess the begining. Got in by 100, set up camp. Fished for like 2 hours with no luck till the end. Caught a small trout. Plus I found a wild apple tree. I also ripped up some root from some cat tails and make a couple small cakes with it. Talk about good eating, I was starving. First day wasnt so bad. It was already 5 oclock by the time I was sitting in my circle of rocks. Sitting in the dark wasnt as bad as I thought the first night, till it rained. Lucky for me I brought a rain suit. By that morning the doubt had already begun to set in. Fighting sleep was really hard. Id go into these long spells were I was like half awake, half sleep. Knowing I was only a hour walk from home was probably my biggest mistake. The temptation to leave was strong. I litteraly imagined That my families life was at risk if I didnt stay put.

And here comes night #2. I laughed as I remembered your story, how your back and ass were killing you. I knew exactly how you felt. By this time the temptation to leave was countered by the feeling that I had come to far to stop now. All this would have been for nothing. Those 2 forces were interupted only by every single noise that came through the camp. Which honestly the second night scared the hell outta me several times. I fell asleep that night several times. But never for more then a couple mins I was sure. Cause even with those small naps the night went on forever.

I had a couple hours were I became numb to everything. I didnt worry about being hungry, or sleep deprived. It was like I was in a dream, but still awake, if that makes any sence. All the feelings came rushing back, and I began to get seriously depressed. I felt like a prisoner in a self made prison. Just when I thought Id surely break, the first sign of light came over the valley.

The sun is an amazing life line in those moments. But by noonish that day even my ego tryed to convince myself that I had had enough. Thoughts of how proud I was that I had made it that far, and that I really had nothing more to prove kept stirring in my mind.

No screw that, way to close now.

Oh I forgot to tell ya, soon as the sun came half way up that morning, I watched this huge flat faced owl fly nice and slow over my camp, and landed in a tree. I hadnt seen one of those in these parts since I was a kid. We locked eyes and in my sorry state, at least in my head, we seemed to have a understanding. He looked at me as if to say, 'almost there friend, you will be in your bed by this time tomorrow'. But by mid morning I wasnt even sure if that had really happened.

That afternoon was the hardest part. I began to question why I was even there. Did I really wanna be chased through the woods by demonic teens? Or whatever the spirits had in store for me? From there my thoughts became irrational. What if I died? What if they kill me? Seeker said they couldnt really harm me, but how does he really know? Could he really know for sure? Thats it Im leaving. Then another part of me came to the top. No I will stay. Whatever happens happens. I never cared much for being alive anyway. Basicaly came to the conclusion that I spent to long making this bed not to lay in it. In my sleep deprived state, I was even able to push away thoughts on how others were depending on me.

All these thoughts came inbetween small naps that I had no power to stop. They never lasted long though cause by then my back was in serious pain. Waiting for the sun to go down was the longest few hours of my life. Just as the sun was on the horizon, I just couldnt sit there anymore. I camped right next to a small trout stream Id been fishing in all my life. I litteraly crawled to the stream to wet my head. I half expected something to happen then, like in your story, but nothing out of the ordinary happened. I crawled back to my circle, now thinking this was gonna be a total waste of time. I actually felt some releaf that I came to that conclusion. This would be a nailing of my flesh to my personal cross. Denie the flesh to build the spirit. Christ did this all the time I said to myself. Then next thing I know it was dark.

Not sure how long it was dark, when my body decided it wasnt going to stay awake anymore no matter what I thought about it. I fell over several times. Hit my head on the rocks twice. It must have been a few hours in the dark when I fell asleep for the last time.

Next thing I know, behind closed eyes, I hear what sounds like someone walking twards me. Am I dreaming this? No, suddenly Im not even tired anymore, or in pain. Who ever was walking twards me is standing right in front of me now. I can feel them. I open my eyes, now terrified at what I might see.

There before me is a slim looking American indian looking women. She is beautifull. Just like in a movie, feather in her hair and all. She is standing like 10 feet from me, and when she see's I have opened my eyes she begins to yell at me. She is seriously p***ed and I cant understand a word she is saying. I wasnt affraid, cause at first she kept her distance. Then suddenly she gets quiet, and a very serious look comes over her face, and she slowly starts walking twards me.

It was as though she had made a decision, and it wasnt in my favor. Oh ****, here we go. Im gonna die in my self made prison. She gets about 5 feet from me when I stand up to run. As I get to my feet, I lean on the only source I know for protection. Dear Lord were the only words that came outta my mouth when my circle of rocks lights on fire. I had seen this fire one other time, in a lucid dream, or a OOB experiance (I never figured out which it was) I didnt know what to think at first. Didnt know if I caused the fire for protection, or if she did to trap me. I look at her, she comes right up to the circle. She couldnt get through. Of course. This fire had protected me the last time I saw it. Cleansed my home even.

I sit back down. I concentrate on keeping the fire alive. she is circling me, outraged. Again she is screaming at me, and again I cant understand her. Even with my wall of fire, she is terrifying me. I close my eyes, still seeing the glow of the fire through my eye lids. Im trying to end the experiance, when I hear this horrible growl, slow and steady right next to my ear. Oh God what now. Something is in the circle with me. Some horrible beast. I slowly open my eyes, expecting the worst. Its a Dog, standing right next to me. Looks like my dog, a *******. Not only this, but the dog isnt growling at me, its growling at her.

Just when I felt this might end well, my fire begins to fade. And she knows it. She is litteraly laughing at me. The dog starts going crazy. No longer just growling, but is giving this women full warning of his/her imminent attack. Barking and growling like crazy.

My fire is gone.

Alittle more then arms length away right in front of me she says, "what will you do now"? She doesnt seem to be bothered by the dog at all. Before I could say this dog was here to protect me, she reaches out her hand, and the dog comes right up to her and sits down, clearly looking for her attention. Oh ****, Im in for it now. Time to run. I go to get on my feet when she dives on top of me laughing, and pins me to the ground. Suddenly Im not as affraid. She really is just a women. She feels like a women, only has the strength of a women. I kinda playfully struggle with her, about to toss her off, when she leans down and kisses me. Like a deep passionate kiss. I felt powerless to stop her. I wanted to kiss her too. Which made me sad.

So then she breaks the kiss and looks at me. Then she says to me, "what have you learned"? I say to her, I dont know. And she smiles, but has a look of half dissapointment and says, thats a shame.

Next thing I know It had to be around 330 in the morning, it was over.I started walking outta the woods. Was home in an hour, and came right here to tell you about it. I was way to tired though. Was in and outta sleep all day yesterday, and finnaly woke up semi recovered this morning.

I dont know if you can help me figure that one out, but I sure hope you can, cause Im left baffled by the experiance.

Wow though, I'll be damned, I will never forget that night.

White Crane Feather

End of the rainbow is inside of you

So as I prepare to leave for a solo hike/snow shoe trip through the Sierra Nevada mountains for a vision quest, I wanted to blog this occurrence and deep revelation that happened to me a few days ago during a rainstorm.

I was comeing back from helping a friend move and very powerful rainstorm swept through my area. It was about 4pm and half the sky was clear and sunny while he other half had huge majestic clouds.

As im driving a massively complete rainbow forms in the east. It is a double rainbow and completely formed. There is a heavy wind and rain is blowing everywhere in gusts. I stop and get out of my truck. I am not going to miss the opertunity to experience this in it's fullest.

As I stand in the parking lot the wind is blowing water everywhere forming a white but brite mist everywhere. The rainbow is not in the sky!!!!!!! It's right in front of me!!! I can reach out touch it. A wave of gratitude passes through me, and those rolling chills start to pulsate through my body. I know I am not alone. Here on the side of the road ( reminiscent of what happens in Nevada last year) I'm being granted something. The rainbow is no longer a bow. It's a full circle. Part of it is superimposed on the sky, by the misty conditions allow it to continue it's arch. As I am standing there the rest of the rainbow completes as a a arch that intersects my body at the center of my chest and out my back. I can't beleive what I'm seeing. I wave my hand through it a few times. I must look like a mad man standing out in the rain waving my arms around while getting drenched.

I stand there for while undtil a cloud covers the sun and my rainbow is no longer intersecting me. The other half is still in the sky. I get in my truck and drive off thanking the great spirit.

There is no end of the rainbow and the treasure that is supposed to be there is you. You... We are the pot of gold. Our lives our souls our existence is the greatest treasure. What better gift from the divine could we hope for than to be capable of experienceing god and love for one another. When I walk out in the mornIng I have createed a hand motion with my hands as a prayer. As a catholic might make the sign of the cross on her chest, I trace the rainbow in the sky and bring it into my chest, to remind me of my relationship with god.

I'm off to a vision quest. I want to create something, I just havnt found what it is yet. I will be meditating for several days as a vision quest. I'm hopeing the snow will inspire me. Maybe a spirit will come.

White Crane Feather

I will never doubt.... There is no need.

So where to begin with this.... I suppose ill just start writing.

I have just been awoken with an extremely powerful dream. So powerful in fct, it will rank in the too 5 of my life So far. Tears have been streaming down my face, but i must get it Committed to words now. The origins stem back a few days to even a decade.

You see I used to talk to god all the time as a person. I made attempts at constant prayer and asked god to work through me. It all seemed to be working I have been granted glimpses into the other reality that I think very few get to see. I'm not boastful about this, but I am proud to have accomplished mysticism this far, I have never really felt the need for false Piasness or humility. In a way I feel less than humble trying to be humble about some things, it gives me an iky feeling to act all monk like in the face of compliments or shareing.

Anyway.... Recently I have been doing a lot of arguing on the forums. I like To argue with skeptics particularly the militant kind. I don't know why I do it. I suppose I was always one to stand up to the bully on behalf of all those the wouldn't or couldn't. Several times in high school I piked fights with guys that were the traditional bully types just to show they were not nearly as tuff as they appeared to be. I suppose I still have that behavior, but am expressing it differently now.

To be able to hold your ground in that world, I have had to rely on my education and make sure i am quick with rhetoric, modern science, and quite a few other subjects that luckily I actually have an interest in and even some formal training. This makes me effective. Skeptics often get their panties ruffled when they can't find a way around it and can't make me out to look like some new age cook. The last resort is always to start claiming I'm dishonest, insane, or both. Note. The smarter ones do not do this. They are forced to understand that while not shareing my beliefs and experiences, that I can back them up logically. It's only the bully types that hike up their skirts in a huff.

So all this that I engage in sometimes forces me to take as honest a look as possible at myself..... And sometimes its true. I doubt my sanity, I ask myself how strong is my belief in god. I have stood befor god ( I think). There should be no doubt. I know. Are all these things just in my head. Some recent discussions around thought forms added more to the standard need for self reflective thinking.

Then it struck me... Where is that inner voice I have relied on so many times. Where is my dialog with god. I was not in a constant state of prayer like I have wanted to be. I have been distracted, rightfully doubtful, and stirring the pot of muddy waters. It was just today.... That I restarted my dialog with god, but it was one of those..... "Please god despit all that you have shown me, all that I know, I need to know its not just in my head...... I think I know..... I have seen things, been places, and done things.... But I also am aware that I have a powerful mind and a dream awareness that probably rivals anyone else in the world. How am I to differentiate. How do I know?"

My dream

I was changing my cloths in an old martial arts school I used to work at years ago. Long story short I had a falling out with the owner. I was young about 23. Without getting into the details an extremely manipulative woman entered his life and it ended very badly between us. So much so I have been careing a resentment and just loathing of the whole thing since. The incident gave me the push I need to start on my own, but it was so nasty in the end and guided by somone so narcissistic it has scared me to this day.

Anyway, I'm changing in this school and I don't even recognize it until this large Native American man opens the door. Now in the dream I know him, he was a former employee here aswell, but now I can see I have never seen him before.

He askes me what I'm doing here. I'm unable to answer him, I say I must have come here by accident. I apologize profusely still bewildered why I would ever be here. I hand him the key that I used to get in, and say I'm sorry. He says its ok but I better go. I do I leave. But I'm disturbed by a few things. One how this is all happening and two how its makeing me feel. My resentment is boiling.

( there is a whole other segment to this dream about a black monkey and me haveing my black monkey join his to cause him havoc which ties very deeply into some symbology of monkeys I have ran across lately. Including a full explanation of the negative but necessary quality of monkeys that I just got lectured on in real life from my qi gong teacher. The sequence is very odd and typically dream like and I want to get to the meat of what happens lnext)

Towards the end of the dream, I am sent a message on my iPhone. It's a link to a YouTube video. I swear to god it's he most disturbing thing I have ever seen in my life. The YouTube video is a malicious attempt to smear me to everyone I know and publicly at that. It goes through all of my flaws, has what can only be photoshopped pictures of those most important to me in symbolic scenerios. There are interviews with people that have witnessed the bad parts about me.

Now let's keep things strait here. I am a pretty good person. There are no super bad skeletons in my closet... Probably less than average actually, but there are a few. Particularly the thing I have been avoiding the most and its the fact that I'm an alcoholic. But I have had some relapses recently and have been shamefully hideing them like only a true alcoholic can. The images was shown on this video were intense. The narrator of the video was saying that I'm just above water.... At any second I could slip under again. It showed all of may children standing in water with half their faces submerged, the theme of a surface of water continued. Friends and family all standing in it. A good friend and student was holding his fingers above the water in a gesture that was saying you are this close buddy.

The video went on... It laid me bare to the world. It show pictures of me back handing my middle child. Something I have and will never do ever ever evrer ..... But certainly have shamefully felt like doing it since he is my most difficult and severely tests my patience nearly every day. It went on and on and brought me to my knees. Everything from typical male sexual thoughts to all the little evils in us that we are all guilty of but hide deep down inside even from ourselves.

I was devastated. At first I was angry and went on a rampage to discover who made all this bull****.... I watched it over and over again looking for clues. It would change and the pictures became more symbolic. I was still in denial and was prepared to fight for my good name. Then my final revelation was that it was all true. Every word of it, every picture had truthful meaning. Every interview was somone I had not done right by. I was ripped to shreds. Laid comepletely and utterly naked to the world. I cannot describe how this feels. It is so terribly defeating, yet strangely motivating to make things right and never let darkness come to fruit. Awareness and nakedness is something so very powerful. I can't explain it in words. I can't understand how something so negative can be so healing.

I did not wake up all the way. I woke up in sleep paralysis. My eyes came open. I couldn't move. I was crying though. My mind was buzzing with what just happened. I was faceing my 2 year old. His eyes sudenly come open. His hand reaches out and strokes my face. Then I receive a telepathic set if words.

----I'm always here, I always was, always will be.... -----

Then he pulls his hand back and my paralysis ends. I can't tell if he did it physically or not. I am crying still.

There is a god, there is a healing metaphysical reality, its all true. If you read this, even if you cannot believe that, never let anyone tell you dreams are just misinterpretations of random nuron firings. What a bunch of bull****. Look what just happened to me.

Thank you god for once again blasting me back to my senses. What a ******* ride you have given me. I will not forget, I will not slip under the water, I will not stop loveing. I don't care what is inside of me, I belong to you.

White Crane Feather

Good morning from God

Wow. In sitting on the sofa blogging this minutes after.

This morning I have been unusually sleepy. There was no reason for it. Just sleepyness. I slept fine, but I felt like I needed way more sleep. I took care of the kids and they were plaing. Finally my mother was up and I asked her if she could watch the baby for a while. for some reason I needed to rest.

Laying on the coach my six year old and 5 year old kept comeing over to me and being unusually affectionate kissing, hugging, scratching my back, tickling my feat etc etc. . Not sure why really. As Im laying there I get the feeling that this is no accident. This powerful sleepiness is a call to journey. I did not think it would work. A 5 and 6 year old playing around me is a tremendouse raket. I was wrong. I was slipping through layers of conciousness in moments. I was slipping so fast dream imagery if I did not hault I would soon be asleep. Images. I dove into the very fiber of the wood of a tree. I saw a cartoon animation of some sort of skull ( seemed demonic---just related to some arguments I have been havering about demons).

I haulted myself, still convinced it wasnt goin to happen. Then I got up. I was fairly convinced I got up physically because I was listening to my 5 year old talk. I paused for a second and searched for astral vibrations. I found them deep inside. Knowing I was no longer in the physical I went to watch the kids play. An amazing appreciation for my love for them came over me. It slmost moved me to tears. Then I decided to continue with my experiments with vortexes. I turn to the wall and dive my thoughts into it. ( oh I did not blog my last attempt sorry). The typical smoky shimmering starts, but this time there is a sort of white noise look to it, like when analogue televisions go out.

That's when I hear it... Or rather felt it. A powerful form of innervoice communication. Very very strong. ---what are you doing?....this is pointless ----

I stop and turn around. My son is standing there in the hallway. He is bigger. It's not really him.my actual son is still playing with my other son behind him. This is not the first time a spirit guide has taken the form of a family member.

Recognizing that I now know its him the boy ( a very old spirit teacher) smiles at me and nods his head recognizing that I understand.

He turns to the closet door and opens it. Instead of there being a closet , it opens up to a mirror image of my house. Complete with the kids playing and everything. I spend a few moments looking at the kids playing and back to to the this side and comparing. They are doing exactly the same things just mirror image. ( the boy has disappeared but I barely notice) my exact thoughts are --No ******* way!!!!--- I think I even mouthed it.

I thought I would be anxiouse stepping through, but I wasn't.

Once there I walked to the sliding glass door I was shocked to see people outside everywhere. Mostly parents playing with Their children, friends discussing things, and some lovers makeing out and touching each others. Again I mouth some vulger words of amazement---WTF--. I wanted to Get a better look. I step outside and take a flight over my mirror image neighborhood. They are everywhere thousands of people enjoying the company of other people. Specifically loved ones.

There also is this amazing Tingingling warmth comeing from the sun. --- I know that feeling--- I was 11 years old the first time I encountered it.

I turned to the light and let it penetrate me. I could feel myself start to disintegrate in to the pure warmth.. ---- oh no--- I stop it. --I don't want to merge. I don't go back with anything--- I'm thinking outward now . Like speaking to God.

The warmth fades to just a trickle on my skin, then I fly down and land. I'm still in this place of people enjoying each other. Im walking back to my house quite shocked to see a couple makeing love in the middle of the street, but I'm sure that's not where they think they are. It's all like a Melding of realities

---is this heaven?--- ---yes--- A response from that strong telepathic voice. Im walking into my house. I am no longer in 3d reality. My kids notice me and come up to me smiling.

----- is this real--- are these kids really them? ---yes--- the voice anticipating my next thought. ---it dosnt matter how. It is them. You share---

I can't explaine what happened next. I was made to understand but not with words or images just a flood of relationship information. We will have the opertunity to live inside of every moment that we choose. It's not an illusion? There is no time for any of us. When we choose to live an experience it really is the other soul also choosing to live it with us. And it does not have to be an experience from physical life it can be new!!!!!

Why now? I asked ----- because you wanted to come back with something--

In complete and utter awe my trance fades. Something is rubbing me on my nose. As my eyes open its my six year old. He is giving me an Indian kiss ( rubbing noses). I ask him why he was Doing that while I was "sleeping". He said " because you are crying daddy... Did you have a nightmare?" noticing my face is wet, I say "no booba. ( his nick name) It was a good dream". I hug him in even more awe realizing that this to is a moment in eternity that will never be lost. The Tibetan death meditation is wrong. We keep everything.