The route for the first annual “Welcome back You Old Fossil” Tri-cycle Race and Polka Fest will be held soon – the exact date and time shall be kept secret until it happens…While participation in this race is voluntary, as it is in honor of the return of our Most Benevolent, Wise and (slightly Weird) Mummy Overlord lack of participation will result in being made to dine in the UM cafeteria for every meal until the next race, plus at least 1 visit from me every week where I play my accordion for
Well, all the search parties have returned. It turns out that the first search party had already come back and just went straight to bed (apparently they emphasized the “Party” part of their title)… Stern notes were posted in the personnel folders of all involved…
This year’s route has been selected and without further ado, here it is:
The race will begin in the Grand Central Square, in the heart of the UM Complex… All racers will be sorted by their teams, in order of talent, winni
The First Annual "Spamentine Days Festival (and Car Wash)" was recently held at the World Famous Institute of Epicurean Delight, and City Dump. This report has been delayed by several factors, including the unfortunate fact that UM has a new policy of asking for contractor bids for planning and running social events. The winning contractor for this highly anticipated (by someone I’m sure) event was $5.15 made by UM’s very own “Comatose Reaction And Procrastination” (CRAP) Club. No one on the se
The 8,913th Annual Halloween Black Light Monster Festival and Inaugural Great Old Ones Rodeo…
This report was unfortunately delayed due to no fault of my own (of course)… Following the events of the Festival and Rodeo, as I was making my way back to my Luxury Oubliette (one of the perks of being the one who makes all this nonsense up) I was accosted in one of the dark twisty back alleys that serve as side streets in Downtown UM, by one of my renegade doppelgangers who was left ov
This Halloween, 31 October 2017, UM will unwillingly unhappily grudgingly joyfully host the 8,913th Annual Halloween Black Light Monster Festival and at the same time the First Annual Great Old Ones Rodeo...
Festivities will commence at 9 AM (Pago Pago Local Daylight Savings Time +/- "a bit")... There will be a Rodeo Day parade of all the Great (and not so great) Old Ones as they Shamble, Stalk, Stomp, fly and Ooze their ways from the Great Central Plaza to the newly refurbished Rodeo groun
The UM Grand Tour (2nd Stop)
DISCLAIMER: This is a work of pure fiction… While I am using actual places, every single thing else is entirely made up and solely a product of my rather strange mind… This is not meant to be a comment (pro or con) on any person, place or thing that I mention or show. It is solely done for (hopefully) humorous effect, and does not reflect the opinions, attitudes or beliefs of any person, organization or group – myself included. It is intended entirely in fun and
The UM Grand Tour
Main Central Compound
Today we begin our grand tour of UM’s (Unexplained Moosteries) world wide network of facilities, industrial areas, administrative centers, science complexes, polka parlors and taco stands.
Since UM has so many different centers spread out across the world (and even on the moon!) we will break this tour up into several segments.
Today we start the tour right here at the main UM compound.
The main compound – as any school c
The First Annual UM Nothing In Particular Festival
On August 19th UM hosted its first Annual Nothing In Particular Festival. To help celebrate the glorious day, schools were let out (or would have been if they had been in session), government offices were closed (to great cheering and happiness by the people), popsicle trucks were cleaned, polished and out in force and the Head Inquisitor issued a blanket pardon for all Lurkers who dwell and toil down in the very lowest levels of the vas
"A report on the Moon Dance and Masquerade Party"
I finally made it back to the UM compound after attending the inaugural Moon Dance and Masquerade Party”… I am happy to say that the event went rather well for something of its kind... Aside from a few miscalculations, accidents, and sundry mishaps their was a “slight” temporal mishap that took a few days to sort out…
The pre-event was nearly as eventful as the actual event to the people that showed up to the pre-event in the event
This coming weekend - July 8th - marks the inaugural Whack A Bedazzled Zombie With A Whiffle Bat Triathlon and Taffy Pull...
Firstly, the committee would like to thank the many volunteers who gave up their free time to leave their dungeon cells and bedazzle the many zombies that had "volunteered" to participate – the results were even more spectacular than we had thought and has opened up a new line of employment for our hordes of Zombie minions – they can now be rented out as Ambulatory
Just 8 more days until the first Annual "Tennis Shoe and Tuxedo - Wear it Backwards Ball and Melted Crayon Art Show" ... It will be held at the "Grand Ball Room" high atop the historic Grand Central Dungeon Tower (provided we can install the braces and supports in time)...
Here is a listing of approved attire...
Tuxedos (any color or style), - the “louder” the better.
Formal Ball gowns (with neon colored t-shirts or scuba wet suits under them for those who are "a bit shy"
The Cthulhu Days Festival, Mardi Gras and Tango Contest was held on the 22nd of April… For those wondering why it took me so long to post this Incident Report After Action Review article, the sheriff only just let me out following the events with the Balloon Beer Fleet…
As always the Festival began precisely at midnight(ish) the morning of the Festival, when the masses of fun loving festival fans, creepy cultists, moonstruck minions, zestful zealots and curious onlookers gathered deep in
Last nights UM Old Coot and Cootess Ball, Limbo Dance Contest and Flea Market was a howling success – once again… We had record numbers of attendees as well as a record number of arrests, and attendees ending up in traction… So – well done everyone!
The event kicked off precisely at 7 AM (ish) (Pago Pago Central Daylight Savings Times – plus 13 mins) when the UM Chapter of The Fireworks Meisters, Artillery Wranglers, Big Boom Makers and Child Day Care Workers Union (local 315) fired off t
Well, the 9,853rd Annual UM Tricycle Race, Demolition Derby and Chili Cook-off is now in the history books!
It was a truly classic race, full of chills, spills, thrills, flaming crashes, fireworks, suspense, drama, pathos, and a few other words I don’t have the desire to look up in the dictionary… A record number of entrants signed up this year – owing largely to the last minute announcement that entry in the race would remove 3 years off of your Oubliette confinement sentence… Fully 15,9
Hello sports fans!
The UM Office of Tourism, Recreation and Sanitation has just announced the official course for this years Annual UM Tricycle Race/Demolition Derby and Chili Cook-Off... Early this morning (Pago-Pago Standard Sundial Time) the Grand High Inquisitor in charge of the central Office of Tourism, Recreation and Sanitation emerged from her 95th floor office onto the balcony that overlooks the overgrown parking lot Grand Plaza where hordes of unkempt peasants happy citizens of th
Well, 2017's version of UM's "BlackLight Costume Contest Valentine's Day Dance and Rummage Sale" has passed and was another smashing success!... Attendance was at an all time high (no doubt helped along by the Chief Inquisitor's Office releasing all of the Inmates residents of the Lurkers Dungeons for this affair), and a fun time was had by all - as witnessed by the fact that the Riot squad was called out 5 times - beating last years record of 4 times - and the National Guard had to be called in
Beannie and the Bug
(A True Story)
In 1973 my (then) wife and I lived just outside of Tokyo, Japan. We had a nice small frame house located in a wooded
corner of a major Army Bases housing area and we loved it.
Sharon (my wife) loved cats. She loved cats more than she loved anything else (me included as it turned out), and it wasn’t long after we settled
in that she adopted a totally white, stray Manx type cat (short stubby tail). She couldn’t decide on a name for him, being torn
I awoke early Christmas morning not really feeling like going anywhere, but I felt I was committed to at least try to visit my Sister who lives in Kansas - about a three hour drive from where I live...
(Cue up the theme song to Gilligan's Island - "A three hour tour....")
The roads had been icy for the past four or five days but on Christmas morning they were clear - though there was a very cold fog and the temperatures were in the mid-20's F...
Gathering up the gifts I had purchased for my y