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The struggle within

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It's when we reach the edge of the cliff,

Hello everyone. Its been a long time since I've written a blog. Mostly because I really haven't had much to say. Today though I realize it's actually because of much more then that. I have basically been in a stand still funk. So much so that it has begun to effect everything around me. Including my marriage. It isn't comfortable opening my soul for all to see, but I need an outlet. Yesterday morning my wife had given me a very hard pill to swallow. She doesn't even know if this relationship is worth saving anymore. For the sake of our two sons, we are not going to make any drastic moves. It would seem at the moment though, as far as she is concerned we are basically separated, while still living together. I spent the better part of yesterday doing my best to not lose control. It was a very difficult day, to say the least.

Something amazing happened to me this morning though. I awoke at 3 am, and instantly began to stress, picking it up right where I left off from the day before. I sat like I do every morning in front of this computer. Difference today was I didn't give a crap to read, or reply to any of the things I would normally. I just stared at the black screen, like I was looking into my very soul. Suddenly it all became so clear. I felt as though I were looking into the eyes of God himself, and found myself lacking. Not in a negative way though. More like just actually seeing something that was so obvious that it stirred what I believe to be a natural change in my very soul.

Now she is the one who brought me here, and no matter what happens between us I will be forever grateful that she led me to this place of self realization. Today, not because I'm trying to be what she wants me to be, but because I, through simple truth, feel a deep change within. Beginning right now, I am going to be a good husband. I'm going to be an even better father (that part I have always been good at). Thing is, for this marriage it might be to late. I have wasted years. Its also possible she wont believe that I have actually changed, and will think the changes I'm about to make aren't real. None of this I have any control over. All I can do is my half, and let the cards fall where they may. With or without her, my new life begins right now. Its when we find ourselves looking over the edge of the cliff, is when we change.

I know I could have written this blog much better. I could have gone into much more detail etc. But Its difficult for me to even think straight right now.

Thanks for stopping in folks.


Short story

Hey guys. I decided to write a short story. I try not to go to long without writing something, so I don't lose it. This was done kinda quickly, and is unedited for the most part, but I thought it was ok. Let me know what you think. I haven't titled it yet.


     It was a mid January night in the winter of ‘94. The moonlight reflected off our billowing breath from the deep cold and cast our long shadows on the railroad tracks as we walked to our small ice skating pond that was a stone's throw from the Hudson River.

     We would both be graduating high school at the end of this year, and not knowing where either of us would be, or what we would end up doing in the fast approaching new phase of our lives, we decided to take advantage of one last midnight skate. Before the first winter storm of the year that was coming the next day ruined the ice.

     “Jay the ice is perfect” Matt said as we stepped off the tracks and down the rocky embankment to the frozen ice below. The ice almost seemed to glow in the glimmering moonlight and brightly lit the surrounding trees. The stars shined through the still air as we  quickly took off our boots and put on our hockey skates.

     Neither of us said a word as we got up to begin our last of many nights over the last 5 years skating on this forsaken little pond. Just a quick glance towards each other told the story of how we would both miss these nights, and how grateful we were that the last night here was as perfect as it could possibly be.

     I was saddened at the thought that there would be no one to come visit this place after we were gone, but I quickly shook that feeling as I exploded across the ice. “Wait for me” Matt yelled out as he tied his last skate.

     The sound of our skates gliding across the ice almost sounded like rolling thunder. We began to shed layers of clothes as our body temperatures climbed. Even in this cold night air.

     I was skating the edge of the pond along side the thick brush going about as fast as I could go, when I noticed something strange stuck in side a bush I had just past. Ice shredded under my skates as I quickly came to a full stop. Matt wasn't as good at stopping as I was, and he nearly knocked me right over as he slammed into me from behind.

     “What did you stop for?” Matt asked me curiously, as he struggled to keep his balance. I told him that I had seen something in one of the bushes, as I back tracked to find the mystery object. It only took a few seconds to find it. We both looked at each other puzzled as I pulled a small pink winter hat out of the thorny brush.

     “I wonder who that belongs to” Matt said. We both stood there puzzled as we examined the pink hat. It is a difficult walk for two strong teenage boys to get here in the winter. Who ever this hat belonged to certainly couldn't have made it this far on their own.

     As we stood there pondering, Matt shrugged his shoulders as if to say he gave up trying to solve the mystery, and he began to take off across the ice again.

     Not anywhere near as satisfied as Matt was trying to solve this mystery I began to inspect the pink hat much more closely. On the back side of the hat the name Becky was stitched into the cloth. A cold shiver ran down my spine when I turned the hat inside out to reveal what looked like a large blood stain.

     Keeping my focus on the stain, I yelled out to Matt to come back. I could hear his skates begin to dig into the ice as he tried to come to a stop. Then I heard a loud thud.

     I quickly turned to see Matt laid out face first in the middle of the pond. He never did quite get the hang of stopping quickly, and like had happened before I figured his feet must have come out from underneath him as he dug his blades into the ice. The last time this happened we ended up in a emergency room. 12 stitches later he was as good as new.

     I dropped the hat and skated over to him as quickly as I could. Face down he laid there motionless. At his side I dropped to my knees and began to try and wake him up. I started nudging him, lightly at first, but when I got no response I began to nudge him harder. I could see his breath like a pausing smoke stack, so I knew he was still alive. I thanked God for that much.

     "Matt” I yelled frantically, “wake up”. Again no response. He was out cold. So I grabbed one arm and one leg, and started to roll him over onto his back. Wondering to myself how I was going to get him all the way home if he didn't come to. Knowing no way could I leave him there even to get help. He’d freeze to death before I could get back to him.

     I nearly had him flipped over when suddenly for one moment I felt a cold tingling blast, almost like electricity going right into my back, then right through my chest. I looked down at Matt now lying face up when his eyes instantly opened wide.

     For one moment I felt a sense of relief that he had woken up. That feeling left me quickly when I realized that his large eye’s had become as white as the snow surrounding the pond. Horrified I tried to stand up. Never taking my eyes off his evil looking stare. That's when Matt reached over and grabbed my arm.

     As soon as he grabbed me that same electric like feeling I had just felt blow through me was now coursing through my entire body. Like every cell in me began to hold a high frequency pitch. I tried to pull away, but there was no use. He had me in a death grip, and my senses were being overridden by this terrifying vibration.

     My mind had begun to get very cloudy. It felt as though I was beginning to lose consciousness. I closed my eyes and fell onto the ice.

     The next thing I knew I could see a bright light behind my eyelids. The cold breeze that had redend our cheeks and nose went completely away. I could no longer feel the cold at all. I opened my eyes and for a moment I was blinded by what looked like the midday sun.

     It was the middle of the day. Light beams from the sun were glistening off ice sickles hanging off the tree’s. The white snow magnified the sunlight all around nearly blinding me for a moment. I looked to my side to see Matt standing there looking as confused as I felt. Before either of us could say a word, we heard what sounded like someone coming down off the railroad tracks and on to the frozen pond.

     A large man in a thick winter coat came down the hill. He was slowly stepping onto the ice, as though he wasn't sure it could hold his weight. He took a few small steps, and bounced up and down slightly to make sure. Then he turned around and yelled out “it’s safe Rebecca, come on down”.

      A little girl around 7 maybe 8 years old with ice skates hanging around her neck began to make her way down the hill. She nearly stumbled down, then she decided to sit down and slide on her butt the rest of the way. As she put her skates on the man was making his way towards us.

     He was looking at the ground has he came near. I said out loud to him, “hello”, but he never even looked up. It was as though he completely ignored me.  He was heading directly towards us. When I noticed he was going to walk right into us. I tried to move aside, but it was too late.

     That's when he walked right through me. As he did, I felt a darkness like cold chills running up and down my spine. The kind of feeling you get when the hairs on the back of your neck stand in attention. I began to question if I was going crazy. There is no way to rationally explain what was happening, yet there I was living it, breathing it. We had become like ghosts, unable to be heard or touched. I turned to Mat and asked if this was a dream. He said to me “I don't think so” with a look of panic on his face.

     Just then the little girl began to skate across the pond. “Look at me Uncle Toni” she yelled out as she awkwardly stumbled one foot in front of the other. “That's great Becky” he yelled back to her.

     Becky? I thought to myself. Where I have I heard that name recently? An ice cold chill ran down my spine, as she skated past me. I saw her little pink hat with the name Becky stitched on the front, and instantly my heart sank into my chest.

     Frantically I yelled out to her, but she couldn't hear me at all. In desperation both me and Mat began to follow her towards the brush at the other end of the pond. I felt as helpless as I knew Becky was right then. Knowing there was nothing I could do but watch whatever horror that was about to play out in front of us.

     As she approached the man I could see he was taking something out of his coat pocket. It was a short metal pipe. I stood frozen in silence as I heard Mat scream NO, as the man raised the pipe high in the air. Before I could see what happened I suddenly became very dizzy and lightheaded. I could see the twisted evil look on the mans face. It was as if for one moment time had completely stood still. Then everything went black.

     “Jay wake up” I could hear someone yelling at me. My eyes were closed but I could see through my eyelids that it had become dark again. I felt the cold wind hit me in the face as I opened my eyes to see Mat sitting by side shaking me.

     “Alright” I said “stop shaking me”. We then both just looked at each other for what seemed like forever. “Did you see”, Before I could get the sentence out he abruptly said “Yes, I saw it too”. We sat in silence again. I turned to look across the pond to see Becky’s little pink hat still sitting on the ice where I had dropped it.

     “Let's get the hell out of here” Mat said as he turned towards his boots sitting on the edge of the ice. He reached down to help me to my feet. We just looked at each other again, unable to process what had just happened. We were just about to leave when suddenly we heard a small voice call out from the bush across the pond.

     My heart dropped to my stomach. There in the brush just a little ways beyond the ice stood a little girl in a pink hat. I could see lines of blood that had run down her face. There were stains of mud and blood all over her.

     We both began to race towards her. I know that sounds crazy but we both had the overwhelming feeling that she needed our help. I don't know how, but we both knew she didn't mean us any harm. I shredded ice to stop as I reached the end of the pond. Mat slammed into me, again. She was no more than 10 feet in front of us.

     “I'm here” said as she looked and pointed to the ground right in front of her. Then like smoke she faded away in the cold winter breeze.

     After long consideration we decided a unanimous call to the police would be the best course of action. Neither one of us ever told anyone what had happened. We both felt a sense of peace as we read in the local paper how they had found Becky’s body. We also felt a sense of justice reading about how “Uncle Toni” was arrested for her murder. I got chills the first time I saw his picture on the front page.

     Over the next few years me and Mat would visit her grave site at Hilltop Cemetery, just down the road from where went to high school.  Turns out neither of us moved far from where we grew up. And we still get in the occasional midnight skate. 

     We never did see or hear from Becky again. Accept from time to time in a dream.


Thanks for taking the time folks.



Chasing Phantoms

I've kinda become consciously aware of some things lately. These are things I'd normally keep to myself, but I get this strange vibe that there are some folks who might benefit from hearing about it. Have you ever tried to just observe yourself? What I mean is have you ever examined what you think about over a whole day? The things you spend time worrying about? Or being angry about? Being happy about? I think if you had, what you'd find is you spend the vast majority of your time chasing phantoms. At least that's what I've discovered about myself. We are either worrying about things we have no control over, or trying to put out the fires of our past.

Rarely are our brains even present. When you really think about it, what kind of way is that to live? Why forsake the beauty in each individual moment for things that either no longer even exist, or there isn't anything we can do about it anyway? How much more could a person accomplish if they were in fully consciousness in every moment, instead of shooting or dodging little arrows from or towards things that might as well not even exist?

If you are feeling me at all here. If there is anything I've said that strikes a cord with you. I'd like it if you could just do a little experiment. Close your eyes, heck even lay right down on the floor and imagine you are dead. You literally have 3 minutes left of conscious thought. after that it is over, you will be no more. Really try and sell it to yourself. Visualize it.

What do you do with that 3 minutes? I don't claim to have any idea what it is you'd find important in those last 3 minutes. Maybe you'd spend your time trying to connect with God. Maybe you'd want to share with family. What ever it is you'd decide to think about, chances are you'd easily find the things that are truly important to you. More importantly you'd know the things that are not.  You'd find the things you should have had your full attention on this whole time.

Congratulations you are now resurrected. Its a miracle. And now with a new sense of what's important. With the wisdom that often never occurs to us till we lay on our death bed.   Your second chance starts right now. Your path is now much more clear. But will you walk it?


Thanks for reading folks

God Bless




Starting a new relationship, with yourself

     Hello fellow blog readers. Its been a while since my last entry. as I've really had nothing of significance to say. Something happened to me yesterday though that I just had to share. For those of you who have read my previous entries you know that I've had somewhat of a spiritual transition over the last couple of years. I have discovered new and valuable information in the importance of loving yourself. In vibrational energies. How relationships are effected through those same things. Well come to find out, I've only gotten half of this vital information. And for the first time, this new revelation didn't come from an outside source. It didn't come from a wise teacher, or a concerned friend, but from a place inside myself.  

     I have spent the last few months really uping my game when it comes to meditation. I've gotten to the point where over the last couple weeks its no thing for me to meditate well over an hour, sometimes two. Like most people starting out, meditation was very difficult at first. If not for a real passion for astral projection, I probably would have given up a long time ago. However meditation and astral projection go hand in hand. So I looked at it as a necessary evil. Or at least a inconvenient chore. Even after slowly seeing some positive results.

     Recently though I began to notice that I slowly started to appreciate the time spent with myself. Shutting down the engines, and quieting my mind somehow became desirable. So much so that the first time I made it a full hour, I hadn't even noticed that much time had past. I was completely shocked (and damn near missed my sons school bus) to see the clock read 3:30 when I opened my eyes.

     I have also begun in my new past time to try out different meditations. One which involved getting to trance, then having a conversation with yourself. Some of you who practice meditation know that once under, you can begin to see different shapes and figures moving and morphing behind closed eyes. Well the idea is to see that shape, or figure as a abstract of yourself. The real self. The spiritual self. I've heard people go as far as to call it your higher self. Not an imaginary conversation either. In theory you are to ask questions, then literally wait for the answer. Don't try to make them up as you go along.

     Now please don't get me wrong. I don't know that that is actually the case. I don't know if that image meditation congers up is a abstract of yourself, or if its nothing more then observing brain function, or neural discharges. I have no idea.

     According to the person I learned this meditation from, they said it may take several tries before you get an answer. That some people have suppressed this inner voice for so long, that it doesn't believe you actually want to hear from it, or at least wont follow through with the instruction it gives. You have to build a relationship with it. 

     Anyhow near the end of my meditation yesterday I decided to try a little experiment. I had been focused on a electric green cube shape that was slowly spinning around. Like it was suspended in a place with no gravity.  Similar to those video's where astronauts are floating around in zero gravity rooms. There was a yellow mist that surrounded the cube. I must admit I felt very silly knowing I was about to start asking this brain congered image questions. But I thought, what the heck, I'd take a whack at it.

     So I start out asking this image if it is really somehow me. Instantly I hear the word "yes". WTH? Right away I figured that I must have just answered my own question. Though I couldn't help but have the feeling that the answer I received didn't actually come from physical reality preacherman. So I continued. Next question I asked, a question I knew I didn't have the answer to, was if it/he whatever, were able to take the wheel of my life right now, what is the first thing they would change. What is the first thing it would do. I was met with silence. Apparently my higher self had already run out of things to say. Leading me to believe I hadn't actually talked to anyone outside myself. Which was fine. I didn't really believe it would have the answers to life to begin with.

     So fast forward to that night. The kids homework was finished. Diner had been eaten. The excess energy the kids brought home from school had been spent, and everyone was falling into relaxation mode. A sure sign bed time was near. Earlier I had made a fire in the fire place, and decided that it was a good time to make sure it was extinguished, and close the glass doors for the night. (Never leave a fire place fire unattended, even if its almost out). Now here is where things get odd. I hadn't thought about my little experiment at all since it happened earlier that day. I walked away fully believing it was completely fruitless. As I grab the handle to the second fire place door I literally hear a voice in my head out of no where say "The first thing I'd do is forgive myself". As if this wasn't a voice in my head, but was actually someone who plainly spoke it aloud to the room, I say out loud "for what?" The voice returned instantly and as gently as it could said "for everything".  

     Have you ever been blindsided by a truth so obvious yet so long abandoned that it almost felt like it punched you right in the stomach? I immediately began to wonder how I had come all this way without even considered how deeply I needed to do just that. To forgive myself. For everything. I had to choke back tears as I followed the advice of my inner friend, and forgave myself for the first time in my life, for everything, right there sitting in front of that fire place.


     Thanks for taking the time folks.

God Bless



Can You Feel The Love That We Share?

I'm just gonna jump right in and skip the formalities this time. Today I heard a song on the radio that sparked an incredible memory, and I'd like to share that experience with you now. This was probably around 5 years ago. My life at the time had a lot of spiritual ups and downs. Thinking about it I guess that hasn't changed all that much even today. Anyhow, I don't even remember what had put me in this state of mind, or exactly why I felt this way. I just remember driving down the road flipping through radio stations to try and distract myself. See somehow I had felt as though I was just lost. That every prayer, every step I took in my entire spiritual walk had been for nothing. I even remember questioning whether or not God even existed. I was in a really bad spot. To suddenly believe everything you had ever believed about your relationship with God had been a lie, for me, was about the worst place I could go in my mind. Yet there I was.

With actual tears beginning to run down my face, I stopped trying to find a song on the radio to distract me an shut it off. I had to speak to him. I had to vent my frustrations. I boldly proclaimed out loud to God that if he existed, and if he cared about me what so ever, that I needed him to reveal himself to me, and I demanded it happen right now. Suddenly realizing how ridiculous I sounded, I wiped the tears from my eyes. Knowing Id be disappointed. That no way God was going to move in anyway. At least not right that second. Ashamed that I had thought for one second God was going to somehow speak to me right then, I turned the radio back on.

The very first words I hear, on a station I would have never intentionally left on went like this. "I'm already there, take a look around. I'm the sunshine in your hair. I'm the shadow on the ground. I'm the whisper in the wind, and I'll be there till the end. Can you feel the love that we share? I'm already there." As if to put a exclamation point on the message, the song ended right there.

There are folks that would say this was a coincidence. An maybe they are right. To me, it was God letting me know I never had to question his existence. Or his love, or his involvement in my life. That not only had he been there the entire time, but would always be there. That I could find comfort knowing this.

Thanks for taking the time folks,

God Bless


Ok So I Was Wrong

For some reason I am able to remember things from my past in perfect detail. I remember damn near everything. Long time friends I often correct when we sit around telling tails from our teenage years. They remember the stories, but often miss the little details. I don't know why but Im like an elephant in this regard. I even remember phone numbers from girls I used to call. Some as early as 6th grade.

So the other day I was thinking about how this is the year Im going to turn the big 4 0. Instantly I had a flash back of my senior year in high school. Sitting in the front row of Mr. Hamburgers science class. Before class had started, I was talking to a friend of mine named Chris. I wont bore you with every detail of our conversation. I'll just say my last sentence in it was " Life ends at 40 years old". And I believed it. Nearly every adult I knew was miserable over one thing or another.

Both myself and Chris's jaw about dropped to the floor when Danielle Tinelli(sp?), the girl who sat directly behind me says, "No life begins at 40". Neither of us were shocked at what she had said. We were shocked cause she said it to me. To explain I have to take you back about 5 years from that moment. Danielle was my first crush. At the beginning of 7th grade I asked her, with my heart pounding in my chest, if she wanted to be my girl friend. She agreed. For that entire year it was me an Danielle. Every school dance. Every movie night at the theater, ect. Well one day, just before 7th grade was over she had told my friend Brian, to tell me it was over. Not only that, but that she hated me, and would never speak to me again. I never did find out exactly how, or why she came to that conclusion.

Well come to find out, she wasn't kidding. I had at least 5 classes with her every year, sitting with in one seat away, all through high school. It took me a little while to get comfortable with the idea. Its hard to sit right next to someone, damn near all day, for years, and never speak a word to each other. But I eventually got it, and soon didn't even recognize that she even existed.

So you could imagine my surprise when I hear her respond to a statement that wasn't even directed towards her. "Life begins at 40" she said, after 5 long years of dead silence. I took a second to process. Did she really just speak to me? After treating me like a leper the last 5 years? I pretended I didn't even hear her, even though I knew she knew I did.

Anyhow, here I am now starring down the barrel of 40 years old. I don't believe either myself, or Danielle were right. But as I watch my 4 year old playing on the swings, I can say I was definitely wrong. It remains to be seen if she was correct I suppose.


Sleep paralysis, Shadow people, Hatman ect

Hello blog world. I honestly hope everyone is doing well. Im adding this section to my blog cause a few months ago I decided to write a book on sleep paralysis. Ive spent a great deal of effort communicating individually with people who have had these experiences. Many of the people Ive communicated with have been great. Some have been really helpful and took my requests very seriously. Ive had some amazing responses. Problem Im running into is these stories tend to be really short. The leg work to get as many as needed has been a uphill battle. So I thought Id send out a request. If you have had any experience with the mystery we call sleep paralysis, please feel free to PM me, and share in detail your story. Please include any other information you feel might be directly relevant. Also include what name you'd like to be called, and a general location of where you are in the world.

Thanks for all who took the time to read this. And especially thanks to those who have and/or will respond.

Thanks again


Awesome AP experience

For the past week Ive done a little experimenting with guided meditation. I didn't really think it would work, but I have been having very limited success with astral projection. So I thought, what could it hurt? For 4 nights straight nothing happened. Oh I should take a step back. First, the guided meditation im speaking of is a technic that seeks to keep your consciousness aware through out the falling asleep process. You put on some head phones, and listen to really soothing music, while a very calm voice instructs you through the process. Id recommend this for anyone. At the very least you can get the benefits of meditation, even if you are not interested in astral projection. Ive heard it said that if every 8 year old began to learn meditation right now, and for the rest of their lives, there would be world peace within 20 years. I don't know if Id go that far, but I believe it would certainly begin to move our collective consciousness closer to those goals.

Anyhow, about 15 minutes in to the meditation, I began to get a strange feeling all over my body. This feeling is very hard to explain. It wasn't the typical vibration feeling I had gotten in past experiences. Sitting here trying to express this feeling, I really just don't have the words. I knew it meant something though. The voice in my ears were still just trying to get my body in full relaxation mode, but I had already gotten past that stage, an took this strange feeling I was experiencing as a exit sign. I was correct. Next thing I knew I was walking into my living room, and I headed right for the door. Here is where things get strange for a second. These experiences feel so real that it can play tricks on you. As I was heading towards my door, the clarity overwhelmed me to the point where I had then convinced my self that I wasn't projecting at all. It felt so real, for a minute I couldn't grasp that it wasn't. Its so convincing that I even forgot what had happened to get me to that point. Now standing before my door, Im completely convinced that I have actually gotten out of bed in this physical reality, and that the door I was standing in front of was the same door I walk through everyday. I nearly turn back towards the bedroom to try to start all over, but it was dark in the room, so like second nature without even thinking, I reach for the door knob to make sure its locked before I head back to bed. A smile came over my face when my hand went right through the knob.

No time to dwell on the success of this attempted astral projection. You never know how long they might last. This could be over any second. So many things to see and do. But first I have to get through this door. I thought Id have trouble, cause I just couldn't seem to mentally look past the door. All I saw was the door. I cringed as I led with my head to past through, thinking it would hurt when my head smacked into it. To my surprise I had very little trouble. Past right through. I did the same with the next and last door Id have to pass to get to the outside. I no sooner got to my front lawn when BAM Im laying back in bed hearing the soothing music an calm voice playing through my head phones.

The voice coming through the head phones now begins the instruction of exiting the body. With eyes closed I was instructed to try and feel like I was floating up. I tried to imagine it, and even felt like it may have been happening. Then it felt like it wasn't. Satisfied with my results for the night, I went to turn off the video I was playing through my phone, and actually get some sleep. I open my eyes, and even begin reaching over towards the phone when I realize I am suspended in the middle of the air. HIGH in the air. The clouds were nearly within my reach. Thinking back now, Im not sure why I wasn't completely shocked to find out where I was. So I reach my arms towards space and try to fly towards it like superman. But for some reason when I went to do that I began to float back down. Very frustrating. I began to lose control and my head that was just a second ago pointing up, is now pointing down. I look up to see my feet as I continued to descend. So I refocus my efforts to go up, when I take off like a rocket. Upside down, feet pointing up, Im flying towards space at a incredible speed. Next thing I know Im in what looks like a dirty cloud. Looked like a brown cloud with little pieces of paper swirling around me. And there the secession ended for the night.

I was kinda disappointed cause I really wanted to explore space. But overall Im very happy with the results.

Thanks for taking the time folks. Any comments/questions welcome.


Lucid dream/ Out of Body experience

Hey guys, how has everyone been? I hope all is well. I posted this in the dream section. But I wanted to start blogging my lucid dreams, and astral projection experiences. I've been in a rut for some time not able to do either, but things are seemingly starting to happen again. I thought making a record of it here might help move things along as well. Like a dream journal. So here goes........

Had a really cool experience a couple nights ago. I had a crazy work day, so at the end of the day I was exhausted. Lucky for me my wife had sent the kids to grandmas for the night. So after a shower I was able to just lay down and watch some TV. Well I hadn't been laying there for more then 5 minutes when I felt myself going to sleep. Difference between this and any other time was I was consciously aware I was falling asleep, and remained so through out the process. Now I never got that vib feeling or anything like that, but being in a dream like state, I thought to astral project. Soon as I had that thought, I began to tumble out of my body. It was like I was doing front flips, while floating straight up. I landed on the ceiling in a perfect spiderman pose. Parallel to the couch I was laying on, across the room is another couch my wife was sitting on. She was wide awake watching TV. So I thought Id experiment. My plan was to get really close to her, to see if she could sense something was there. Figured it would be an amazing confirmation it really happened if I could make her aware something was off, or rrr, whatever.

So as Im about to make my way towards her, she looks right up at me. (that's how I figured out after I woke up that it was a dream, instead of a actual projection) So I say to her, "you can see me"? And like it was no thing, she says to me "sure I see you, now get down from the ceiling please". Just as soon as she said that, everything turned from normal looking to almost like a black and white TV show. The color just drained out of everything. It was almost scary. So anyhow, in my dream like state, somehow I think I really lucked out cause she too was projecting. So I say to her, "we cant waste this experience." I float down from the ceiling, and take her by the hand and go to the door to make our way outside. When I opened the door, all the color returned like a flood. Very cool to witness. Then I walk with her out to the front lawn, and turn to look at her. She is now visibly scared, and wanted to go back into the house. I assured her everything was going to be ok, and told her we were gonna have an amazing experience. I even remember telling her that I hoped she remembered it when we got back. So now I stand directly in front of her, and grab each of her hands in mine. It took some will power, but it wasn't long before we started floating upward. We got pretty high in the air, when we both started laughing, amazed at what was happening.

Next thing I know BAM Im back at the couch awake (or so I thought). I look over to my wife, and tell her everything that had just happened. We had this 10 minute conversation about the whole thing. I figured out that it was a dream, and not a projection while talking to her when BAM I wake up again, for real this time. Again I tell her everything that had happened. The conversation went best as I can recall, exactly how our dream conversation went. After I tell her everything, I then tell her that I already had this conversation with her, which really blew her mind.

Thanks for taking the time folks, any comments or questions are welcome


From: My story

I wrote about this like 7 years ago here on UM. Thought I'd blog it so more folks could read it, and maybe give some opinions (aside from telling me to lay off the psychedelics lol) I also thought some might just find it interesting. I swear everything I say here happened exactly how I said. I added a couple things I thought were relevant that I didn't include when I originally wrote it.

Hello everyone. First I'd like to say that had I not experience what I had I would think people who tell stories similar to this are crazy. But I would be a hypocrite. Im 31 now,(Im 38 now) and havent had any experiences in several years. Anyhow, this is my haunting story.

I lived in a trailor park for a good part of my life. From the age of 4 till I was 19. There had never been anything wrong haunting wise in the trailer I lived in till I turned 18 years old. My Mother (who was a single mom) had decided she was going to move up state after she had divorced my Father. I refused to go. So she left the trailer to me. A cousin of mine who was in his early 20's decided to move in with me, and help pay bills and what not. Now I had heard several "ghost" stories from him, and his brother regarding the house they grew up in. But I never put much stock into it, mostly cause he had witnessed his father shoot himself in the head as a very small child. Growing up I heard all kinda crazy stories from him. However as we got older he stopped telling these stories, and we had become very close friends.

Well, the night before My mother moved, me and my cousin took a 12 pack to the rail road tracks, and sat on this trussel drinking and BSing. He had a little buz going and goes on to tell me that the night before, while sleeping on my couch, that he was about 3 seconds away from full sleep, when suddenly he heard a gun go off, that sounded like it was right next to his head. So im thinking to myself, Oh no, hear we go again. I humored his story though, cause he seemed so genuine about it, I didnt want to hurt his feelings. Now this next part Im going to tell you, cause im not sure if it has a direct effect on the story, and was wandering if anyone has heard anything like this before. We walked back to the trailer, it was around midnight. I saw my neighbor and his son, standing in the middle of the road looking up into the sky. So I look up, And I will be damned there is this small round craft with several different lights coming from it. We watched in amazement for nearly a half hour as this thing flew around like a bummble bee. It came so close to us at one point that I remember feeling very nervous. But then it seemed to lose interest in us a slowly sailed off in the distance, till we couldnt see it anymore. This is the same exact area where the famous "hudson valley boomerang" was sighted by over 5000 people. Anyhow, as the excitement wore down, I went to bed. I got this great buzz going, I just witnessed a UFO, and was about to fall into a blissfull sleep, when suddenly I heard a tremendous blast, like a shot gun going off right next to my ear. I went from being 3 seconds away from total sleep, to sitting striaght up in my bed eyes WIDE open. I remember waiting for the others in the trailer to come running, but no one did. I sat there astounded remembering what my cousin had told me just a couple hours before. I never told him that had happened to me as well.

Life went on as normal for the next couple months. I got a job in a bolt factory working the 3 to 12 shift. My cousin got a job in the same place, but he worked the 12- 8 shift over night. So I had the place to myself when I got home from work for the night. Well this one night I start to hear people whispering out side my bed room, and it sounded like someone was trying quietly to walk down my hallway (that passed right next to my bed room door)

I knew I had locked up, so I just blew it off and went to sleep. Well every night these noises just got louder and louder, were by the 7th night It sounded like there was a party going on outside my door. I could hear women just laughing out loud, and what sounded like many people just running up and down my hallway.

I had decided at that point that there actually were people in my house. Terrified, I very slowly crept off my bed (it was a noisy bed, so I was very care full with every move I made) it probably took me a half hour to finnaly reach my base ball bat. I sat there contemplating my next move, as the sounds just seemed to taunt me to come out. Finnaly I built the strength , and decided I was just going to run throught the trailer, turn on every light till I saw someone, and make them pay for invading my home. So I jumped up and did exactly that. rushing through the house I turned on every light, and aggressively search every corner. Finally I felt relief when I realized no one was there. Followed by a sudden feeling of terror, there was no one there. After that night it stopped happening. I don't know why

There were several other things that happened there as well. Just for example couple days after all this, I had a bunch of friends over. We were all sitting in a circle around my living room, and I began to tell everyone what had been happening the last week. My neighbor was there sitting directly across from me. So he says, "ive been living next door to you for the last 14 years and you have never said anything about this place being haunted". Then he looks me right in the eyes and says "I think you are full of ****" before he could get the last word of that sentence out this little table that was right next to him pops up in the air as though someone put there hand under it and smacked it upward as hard as they could. I watched his face turn flush red, as we all freaked out over what just happened. That was the last time he questioned my honesty on the subject

I have rambled on long enough, Ill just end it by saying tragically, about three years later, my cousin did end his own life with a gun shot wound to the head

. Thanks for reading my story.


Im pickin up good vibrations

If you have read my other entries, you'd know that I have taken it upon myself to learn new (to me) spiritual things. One I stumbled upon not long ago was a study on vibrational energies. This subject was of particular interest for me, cause I have already experienced actual physical vibrations in my attempts to astral project. A literal vibrational energy that I felt through my entire body several times now.

Anyhow, according to the study, we are all, always connected to a vibrational energy. Its our perception that dictates at what level that energy is functioning. Emotions like hate, anger, fear, lust, worry, anxiety, ect is considered low vibrational energy. In turn emotions like Love, joy, gratitude, forgiveness ect would be considered high vibrational energy. And there are varying degrees to how high you can bring that energy. According to this you can even heal yourself through high vibrations.

Not only this but we are all receptive to the vibrational energies of others. In other words, your vibrational energy can be manipulated by the vibrational energies of people you encounter. Like have you ever seen someone walk into a room and just put everyone in a bad mood cause they are mean? Or just a jerk?

At first I was totally digging the study. The truth of it seemed self evident. Well that is till the guy who ran the study said that we should always meet low vibrational energy with high energy, even with our children. So far so good. Till I thought about it for a second. I basically came to the conclusion that he was telling me that if my kid is being a jerk, or is being bad in a way that I would normally correct it through showing displeasure, or even punishment that that was the wrong course of action. If I responded to him in any form of anger, id be meeting his low vibration with my own, and it would only give you very limited desired results. Which went against every parental instinct Ive ever had. Instead of totally dismissing it though, I put his perspective on a shelf some place in my mind.

Well it didn't take long for me to put this guys theory to the test.

We are all sitting around in the living room one late afternoon, Im reading a book on shamanism, while my wife was watching TV. My son comes in the room, and starts to switch off the TV so he could play his video games. My wife stops him dead in his tracks and tells him no video games right now, cause she is really into whatever it was she was watching. I stop reading at that point and just watch the encounter. My son puts up a resistance to her claim on the TV by sitting next to her and making a face like he had just been seriously wronged. I have seen this face many times. It takes a great deal of time for him to finally get over whatever the problem is when that face comes out. And though it doesn't usually make much difference I normally at that point try to correct him by telling him he was being selfish, and to try and put himself in her place. Then he'd normally keep the same face for as long as he could till he realized finally that he wasn't going to get his way. It was always a long process before he gave up.

Every inch of my being wanted to do exactly as I had always done at that point, but instead I pulled that piece of info taught in the study off the shelf in my mind. I walked over to him with a serious look on my face. I cant imagine what was running through his mind at that point, even though I have never been physical with him that pouting face turned slightly fearful. He even flinched when I quickly reached down and gave him a big hug, and told him that I loved him with all my heart. Then I picked him right up off the couch and for just a couple minutes wrestled with him, and then let him get me in a couple ju jitsu moves. He's been taking ju jitsu since he was 5. Anyhow, I'll be damned, don't cha know that kid got up off the floor with a smile on his face and walked into the other room and started playing with his little brother like nothing was bothering him at all. I couldn't believe it. It worked. I manipulated his low vibrational energy with my high vibrational energy, and got the best results I have ever gotten.

I don't know if Im totally convinced this will work for every situation. But Im looking forward to more experiments like it.

Thanks for taking the time folks.

God Bless


What Light Through Yonder Window Breaks?

Tis the east, and Jennifer (my Juliet ; ) is the sun.

Hey guys. Last time I was talking about how I discovered the absolute imperative need for one to love themselves. That I had spent a great deal of my spiritual walk in a intentional struggle with myself. For the most part I raised the white flag, and have given up the fight of self loathing. I have only just begun to realize the implications. It amazes me just how much ones perceptions can change from such a different point of view. Ive heard it said that you cant truly love anyone, till you love yourself. Speaking from first hand I can tell you that that isn't true. There are people I would lay down my life for, even back when I didn't love myself at all. However, I will say this. When you can think highly of yourself, not through ego, but just through love, you begin to see others in a different light as well. At least this has been my experience thus far.

I was looking at my wife last night as she lay asleep on the couch after a long day. I couldn't help but to think to myself what a beautiful creature of God she is. How lucky I was to have her, and how amazed I was that not only did she chose me, but has honorably kept that commitment for the better part of 12 years. I was able to recognize not that I love her, but how deep I so do. She has also given me 2 incredible boys. Seems to me before, I just kinda went through the motions, did what I had to do with a smile on my face. And I didn't even realize it. Now I treat each day with them like its a gift, knowing one day I will have to let them go.

Not only this, but I now treat nearly every encounter I have looking for the small piece of God that dwells within whom ever Im speaking. What would have once been just a small insignificant chat with a cashier is now another example in the amazing creativity of our maker. I want to know who they are, and what roll they play on this gigantic cosmic stage.

Even the night sky provokes the deepest wonder in me again, like it did when I was young and I humbly stand in awe. What the hell is happening to me?


Another Point of View

In my last entry I was explaining how I have been seeking spiritual things, not found in the church. In the same way I dove head first into the church, hungry for information, and refused to even slow down till I thought I had learned all there was to know on any given biblical subject, so to am I in these other teachings. I must confess, as much as Im learning, and as much as I see true value, and even obvious truth in what Im seeing, I cant help but to continue to look for the "lion in the grass". ( I stole that phrase from White Crane Feather) Even so I am so delighted in what Ive found. Its reemerged the same feelings I had when I first discovered Christ, and his undying love. And the wall that I built in my head, separating Christ with these new to me lessons, is being taken down a brick at a time. Its as if im being taught the same biblical teachings from another point of view. And its helping me cast light on long lingering shadows.

For instance, today for the first time in my life, I really understood that its ok to love yourself. To go further, its imperative. Ive spent my entire spiritual life believing that to be humble means you have to spend vast amounts of time berating, and correcting yourself. Beating yourself over the head continuously. And in turn, its left me truly believing that I had no self worth. How did I let them beat me into this corner? Well I guess it wasn't to hard. I spend most of my life before Christ not thinking very much of myself. Well in truth, I down right hated myself. I don't know what came first, the chicken or the egg, but others didn't think very well of me either growing up. Especially my Father. Anyhow, when I first heard, today, that you must love yourself, I instantly fell back on my biblical knowledge. Instead of finding this teaching to be wrong, I found it to be just the simple truth. I took out of context passages like 'there is no good in me, but he who dwells in me' and several other passages that could lead one to believe they have no self worth. Instead though my mind settled the whole issue with a single story told by Christ that says you are like a treasure buried in a field. And when you were discovered, the person who did went and sold all he had to buy the land, cause you were move valuable to him then all he had otherwise. If he loves me that much, is it wrong for me to see the same value in myself that he see's in me?

So just as I had to tell everyone I knew of the love of Christ when I first understood it. I now tell you to love yourself as well. Retrain your mind to believe it by complementing yourself, all day long. Everyday. At first your subconscious will reject it because this idea is foreign to you. But over time the idea will become familiar, and your mind will allow it to manifest into your reality. If you are like I was, full of self doubt, this can change your life. BTW if you cant find anything to complement yourself for, then complement yourself for the things you are not doing to help you start. I mean, you didn't murder anyone today right? God Bless folks. Thanks for taking the time.


Tug of War

For my first blog Im just kinda gonna think out loud about something's that have been on my mind.

Even as a child I have always gone against the grain. Id make it a point, to a fault, to make sure the things I was told were important weren't. At a young age, 20 or so, I found the church. I experienced what many Christians describe as a new love affair with my maker. But even in that I began to see things I didn't like, or understand. Mostly with the church its self, and the people who professed to love Christ. Now don't get me wrong, there was and is pleanty about me that isn't very Christ like. But some of the things seemed so obvious to me. Especially politically. The support of war, cause it was caused by the right side of the political coin. Indifference to the suffering of the innocents we destroyed during those wars. The support of the stripping of freedoms we once called divine, brought to us by the creator himself. Now tossed to the side in the name of patriotism. For a short time, for the first time, I tried to go with the grain on these issues. I mean these are the people who brought me to my creator. Certainly I must be wrong, and they must be right. Aside from my Mother, these are the first people who ever really cared about me at all. Finally one day I realized that I couldn't go with the grain. So for a time I tried to find the balance between what I knew was right, and what I was expected to believe. But to the Church, even someone who tried to find peace looking at both sides of any given issue, instantly became a deceiver. It has gotten to the point where I only speak about such things on line, just to avoid the frustrations. Fear of a lack in conformity has really taken over many of the minds that make up what we call the church. It took some time, but for the most part I have found peace in all this. I have been granted the wisdom to accept the things I can not change. My love for these same people has grown since Ive found this peace. These are people I break bread with. My children play with theirs. We gather as one in worship of the creator of all things. The bond is still strong. Though I often wonder what they would think of me if they really knew how I felt about certain things.

Which leads to the reason for this blog entry. For the last couple years now I have been exploring spiritual things not found in the church. I don't know if its the American Indian in me, or just another example of my nature to go against the grain. But things like astral projection, spiritual journeys, ect. I have confided with a couple people from the church, those I consider close friends, and their reactions have been fearful. But no more then if I had told them I didn't believe America was Gods righteous army I suppose. I knew they knew nothing about it, so it didn't really effect me to much. Or so I thought. Over the last week or so Ive found myself, for the first time, separating my Christian beliefs, with the new things Ive learned. New to me anyway. And I cant figure out why? Something in my brain is telling me I cant have both. Once again Im trying to find the balance. I don't want to give up on my relationship with Christ, nor do I want to stop exploring the great unknown. In fact Id like to find my self submerged in both completely. So that's where Im at. I guess that's the Burdon of anyone seeking the truth, while trying to shed preconceived notions. Anyhow God Bless folks, thanks for taking the time.

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