Join the Unexplained Mysteries community today! It's free and setting up an account only takes a moment.
- Sign In or Create Account -

tcgram's Blog

Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0
  • entries
    12
  • comments
    64
  • views
    9,687

About this blog

Church Bulletin Bloopers

Entries in this blog

tcgram

How long does one grieve?

I have lost people very close to my heart throughout the years but they all seem to have paled to the grieving I am still experiencing from the death of one of my best friends almost 6 months ago.  I am not sure why, but her death seems to have hit me harder than my own father's death and a friend that I thought of as a mother.  

She and I were close in age, I was 1 1/2 years older.   We saw each other at work almost every day and hung out when we could on our days off.  I walked into her office every morning and we talked about what was going on in our lives.  She had divorced 3 years before and remarried within 6 months so a lot of times we discussed her relationship with her new husband and how they were adjusting to each other.  

It still hurts to see pictures of her, and I cannot bear to take her number out of my contacts yet.  I still have our last texts we sent to each other the night she died.   I seem to be doing well and then someone or something reminds me of her and I find myself grieving anew.  I often wonder if her death has hit me harder because of being close in age and the death being very sudden.  

I know that everyone grieves differently but I feel like I'm still going in waves of grief and I'm not quite sure why.  I did not post this to get sympathy, I simply needed to talk about it.  But if anyone has insight I would be willing to listen.  

tcgram

Things to do on a blind date

No matter if you're single or attached, chances are you will go on or have gone on a blind date at some point in your life.  Keep in mind these tips if you are in such a situation again.   

Things to do on a blind date

1. Bring 20 or so candles into the restaurant. During the meal, get up & arrange them around the table in a circle. Chant.
2.Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice.
3.Repeat every third third word you say say.
4.Lick your plate. Offer to lick your date's.
5.Order a bucket of lard.
6.Sacrifice french fries to the great deity, Pomme.
7.Drool.
8.Refuse to communicate in anything but mime for the entire evening.
9.Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you.
10.Take a break & go into the restroom. When you return to the table, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one of the chairs. Tell your date, with a straight face, "They need to air out."
11.Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt.
12.Save the bones from your meal & explain that you're taking them home to your invalid, senile old mother because it's a lot cheaper than actually feeding her.

tcgram

The Cracked Pot


A water bearer in India had two large pots, each hung on each end of a pole which he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack in it, and while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water at the end of the long walk from the stream to the master’s house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.

For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water in his master’s house. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments.

But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do. After two years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream.

“I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you.”

“Why?” asked the bearer. “What are you ashamed of?”

“I have been able, for these past two years, to deliver only half my load because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your master’s house. Because of my flaws, you have to do all of this work, and you don’t get full value from your efforts,” the pot said.

The water bearer felt sorry for the old cracked pot, and in his compassion he said, “As we return to the master’s house, I want you to notice the beautiful flowers along the path.”

Indeed, as they went up the hill, the old cracked pot took notice of the sun warming the beautiful wild flowers on the side of the path, and this cheered it some. But at the end of the trail, it still felt bad because it had leaked out half its load, and so again the pot apologized to the bearer for its failure.

The bearer said to the pot, “Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of your path, but not on the other pot’s side? That’s because I have always known about your flaw, and I took advantage of it. I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back from the stream, you’ve watered them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate my master’s table. Without you being just the way you are, he would not have this beauty to grace his house.”

MORAL:

Do not underestimate yourself by comparing yourself with others. It’s our differences that make us unique & beautiful. :)

tcgram

Attainable New Year's Resolutions

- Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.

- Stop exercising. Waste of time.

- Read less. Makes you think.

- Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.

- Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.

- Spend more time at work, surfing with the T1.

- Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see the largest ball of twine.

- Don't jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.

- Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.

- Get in a whole NEW rut!

- Start being superstitious.

- Personal goal: bring back disco.

- Buy an '83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo system.

- Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.

- Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabicwords.

- Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.

- Spend my summer vacation in Cyberspace.

- Don't eat cloned meat.

- Create loose ends.

- Get more toys.

- Get further in debt.

- Don't believe politicians.

- Don't drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.

- Avoid transmission of inter-species diseases.

- Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.

- Stay off the International Space Station.

- Not swim with pirhanas or sharks.

- Associate with even worse business clients.

- Spread out priorities beyond my ability to keep track of them.

- Wait around for opportunity.

- Focus on the faults of others.

- Mope about my faults.

- Never make New Year's resolutions again.

tcgram

My Grown Up Christmas List

No more lives torn apart.

That wars would never start.

And time would heal all hearts.

And everyone would have a friend.

And right would always win.

And love would never end.

...This is my grown up Christmas list.

tcgram

Funny Christmas Facts

Christmas is a great period mostly because of the revelry, the feasts, good company and best of all the time off from work. There are many things that most people will know about Christmas; these are the more conventional Christmas associations including Santa, the Nativity story, the star of Bethlehem et al. However, there are other things that only those who go in search of the bizarre may know off hand. With this in mind, here is a list of funny, yet interesting Christmas facts.

  • Pig head, it's what's for dinner. The traditional Christmas dinner in England used to be a pig head prepared with a mustard sauce. Most English folk are possibly quite delighted that this isn't the case anymore.
  • Witches and Evil spirits are the greatest broom thieves. The Norwegians once believed that witches and devious spirits were likely to steal their brooms on Christmas Eve. Who knows maybe a mischievous prankster stole a few brooms during that period and the legend stuck.
  • “Bah Christmas”. Perhaps not the best line created by Dickens, mainly because “Bah Humbug” just has that extra something special about it. Most people would probably agree that Dickens' decision to work on the famous catchphrase was a good move indeed.
  • There is a special act in Britain that actually makes it mandatory to go to church on Christmas day. The act that is deemed the Holy Days and Fasting Act still exists, however, not so much enforced. Additionally no vehicle of any kind is to be used to get to the Christmas service.
  • Forego throwing out your Christmas tree and make it lunch. The Evergreen is actually edible, well most parts of it anyway. In addition, it is nutrient enriched, so if you take the advice stated previously you'd be getting a good source of Vitamin C and roughage. Don't mind that you will be eating a tree; it's just one step away from any other vegetable.
  • Bake your bread on Christmas Eve and it will remain fresh forever. If only. There is an old wives' tale that actually suggests that bread baked on Christmas Eve is mould resistant. While it cannot be known now how many people believed this, it's pretty obvious that any believers would be converted after the appearance of mould on their bread beyond 5 days or so.
  • Kris Kringle really lives in the North Pole. But guess what he foregoes the reindeer and drives a 1984 Ford Tempo, additionally; he delivers Pizza instead of working in a magical toy shop.

tcgram

Christmas Holiday Eating Tips

  • About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

  • Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!


  • If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

  • As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
  • Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
  • Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

  • If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as you can before becoming the center of attention They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
  • Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
  • Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

  • One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention.

Reread tips, then start over. But hurry: January is just around the corner.

tcgram

Bubba's Tips for the Day

Bubba's Tips for the Day

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto, the blockage will be almost instantly removed.

tcgram

Fun Things to do on a Date

FUN THINGS TO DO ON A DATE

(This may be your last date as well)

Warning: Actually doing any of the following will absolutely, positively

guarantee that your date will run quickly away from you screaming

something about you being completely insane... :P

1. Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice.

2. Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions.

3. Repeat every third third word you say say.

4. Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.

5. Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms

outstretched, and make airplane sounds.

6. Order a bucket of lard.

7. Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well in

fancier venues that use linen tablecloths.

8. Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins

talking about himself/herself.

9. When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.

10. Without asking, eat off of your date's plate. Eat more from their

plate than they do.

11. Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their plates.

12. Drool.

13. Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full, and spray

crumbs. if a crumb lands anywhere near your date, pick up the crumb, put

it in your mouth and say, "I'm all about conservation."

14. Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head

waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a different part of the

restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask

him/her "What took you so long in the bathroom?!"

15. Beg your date to tattoo your name on their forearm. Keep bringing

the subject up periodically throughout the meal.

16. Refuse to communicate in anything but mime for the entire evening.

17. Order a baked potato. When the waiter brings your food, hide the

potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter for the potato you "never

got". When the waiter returns with another potato, have the first one

back on your plate. Watch the waiter's face.

18. Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt.

19. Insist that the waiter cut your food into little pieces. In a

similar manner, insist that he take a bite of everything to make sure no

one has poisoned your food.

20. Bring a bucket along. Explain that you frequently get ill.

tcgram

Now that I'm older....

Now that I'm older, here is what I have discovered -

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.

I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.

It's funny, but I don't remember being absent minded.

All reports are in ... Life is now officially unfair.

If all is not lost, where is it???

It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

Some days you are the dog. Some days you are the hydrant.

I wish the buck stopped here, I could use a few.

Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

Accidents in the back seat cause . . . kids.

It is hard to make a comeback when you have never been anywhere.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you are in the bathroom.

If God had wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees.

When I am finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?

It is not hard to meet expenses . . . they are everywhere.

The only differences between a rut and a grave are the depth and one has the ends kicked out.

These days I spend a lot of time thinking about the here after.....I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I am here after.......

tcgram

A few clowns short of a circus

A few fries short of a Happy Meal

An experiment in artificial stupidity

A few beers short of a six-pack

Dumber than a box of hair

A few peas short of a casserole

Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box

The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead

One Froot Loop shy of a full bowl

One taco short of a combo plate

A few feathers short of a whole duck

All foam, no beer

The cheese slid off the cracker

Body by Fisher - Brains by Mattel

Has an IQ of 2 and it takes 3 to grunt

Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear

Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel

He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down

An intellect rivaled only by garden tools

As smart as bait

Chimney's clogged

Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash

Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair

Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor

Forgot to pay his brain bill

Her sewing machine's out of thread

His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels

His belt doesn't go through all the loops

If he had another brain it would be lonely

Missing a few buttons on his remote control

No grain in the silo

Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse

Receiver is off the hook

Several nuts short of a full pouch

Skylight leaks a little

Slinky's kinked

Surfing in Nebraska

Too much yardage between the goal posts

tcgram

Church Bulletin Bloopers

In honor of the dreaded Monday, I thought I would share my fave church bulletin bloopers. :)

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."

The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.

Remember in prayer the many that are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again", giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 pm. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 pm - prayer and medication to follow.

This evening at 7 pm there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."

Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0