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Church Bulletin Bloopers

Entries in this blog

 

My Wish for You

This is my wish for you:  Comfort on difficult days, smiles when sadness intrudes, rainbows to follow the clouds, laughter to kiss your lips, sunsets to warm your heart, hugs when spirits sag, beauty for your eyes to see, friendships to brighten your being, faith so you can believe, confidence for when you doubt, courage to know yourself, patience to accept the truth, love to complete your life.   Author Unknown   

tcgram

tcgram

 

Now That I'm Older, Here is What I Discovered

Now that I'm older, here is what I have discovered -- I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran. I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart. It's funny, but I don't remember being absent minded. All reports are in ... Life is now officially unfair. If all is not lost, where is it???? It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser. Some days you are the dog. Some days you are the hydrant. I wi

tcgram

tcgram

 

How long does one grieve?

I have lost people very close to my heart throughout the years but they all seem to have paled to the grieving I am still experiencing from the death of one of my best friends almost 6 months ago.  I am not sure why, but her death seems to have hit me harder than my own father's death and a friend that I thought of as a mother.   She and I were close in age, I was 1 1/2 years older.   We saw each other at work almost every day and hung out when we could on our days off.  I walked into her o

tcgram

tcgram

 

Things to do on a blind date

No matter if you're single or attached, chances are you will go on or have gone on a blind date at some point in your life.  Keep in mind these tips if you are in such a situation again.    Things to do on a blind date 1. Bring 20 or so candles into the restaurant. During the meal, get up & arrange them around the table in a circle. Chant. 2.Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice. 3.Repeat every third third word you say say. 4.Lick your plate. Offer to lick your date's.

tcgram

tcgram

 

The Cracked Pot

A water bearer in India had two large pots, each hung on each end of a pole which he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack in it, and while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water at the end of the long walk from the stream to the master’s house, the cracked pot arrived only half full. For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water in his master’s house. Of course, the perfect pot was p

tcgram

tcgram

 

Attainable New Year's Resolutions

- Gain weight. At least 30 pounds. - Stop exercising. Waste of time. - Read less. Makes you think. - Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff. - Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow. - Spend more time at work, surfing with the T1. - Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see the largest ball of twine. - Don't jump off a cliff just because everyone else did. - Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more. - Get in a whole NEW rut! - Start being superstiti

tcgram

tcgram

 

My Grown Up Christmas List

No more lives torn apart. That wars would never start. And time would heal all hearts. And everyone would have a friend. And right would always win. And love would never end. ...This is my grown up Christmas list.

tcgram

tcgram

 

Funny Christmas Facts

Christmas is a great period mostly because of the revelry, the feasts, good company and best of all the time off from work. There are many things that most people will know about Christmas; these are the more conventional Christmas associations including Santa, the Nativity story, the star of Bethlehem et al. However, there are other things that only those who go in search of the bizarre may know off hand. With this in mind, here is a list of funny, yet interesting Christmas facts. Pig head, i

tcgram

tcgram

 

Christmas Holiday Eating Tips

About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're

tcgram

tcgram

 

Bubba's Tips for the Day

Bubba's Tips for the Day Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and

tcgram

tcgram

 

Fun Things to do on a Date

FUN THINGS TO DO ON A DATE (This may be your last date as well) Warning: Actually doing any of the following will absolutely, positively guarantee that your date will run quickly away from you screaming something about you being completely insane... 1. Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice. 2. Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions. 3. Repeat every third third word you say say. 4. Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date. 5. Stand up

tcgram

tcgram

 

Now that I'm older....

Now that I'm older, here is what I have discovered - I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran. I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart. It's funny, but I don't remember being absent minded. All reports are in ... Life is now officially unfair. If all is not lost, where is it??? It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser. Some days you are the dog. Some days you are the hydrant. I wish the buck

tcgram

tcgram

 

38 Kinder, Gentler Ways to Say Someone is Stupid

A few clowns short of a circus A few fries short of a Happy Meal An experiment in artificial stupidity A few beers short of a six-pack Dumber than a box of hair A few peas short of a casserole Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead One Froot Loop shy of a full bowl One taco short of a combo plate A few feathers short of a whole duck All foam, no beer The cheese slid off the cracker Body by Fisher

tcgram

tcgram

 

Church Bulletin Bloopers

In honor of the dreaded Monday, I thought I would share my fave church bulletin bloopers. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa. Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals." The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus." "Ladies, don't

tcgram

tcgram

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