In a few months, I will hit the big six-oh, much to my astonishment. I always expected to die real young and if you knew me, you would understand why. I always had a wide (think skunk stripe LOL) streak in me of The Fool of tarot fame, that blend of naïve and fearlessness that can lead to almost anywhere and any ending of a story. But, for me there was only ever one Goal for all of my adventuring into the spiritual world and pursuit of "why" and "god?". I wanted to find out The Truth, and I was not satisfied with the person I was. I believed I was designed to be more than the emotionally abused and confused and lost kid I was way back then who saw things nobody else did and heard things no one else seemed to hear either. It has been a long road, many ups and downs, too.
Lord, looking back, I have been a fundie Christian, a tarot reader, a medium, a Vodou Asogwe ranked Initiate (Bishop basically in Haitian Vodou. That is as high as Initiations go in that tradition). I have been a lot of other things as well. A Shaman, a cop (retired now), military vet in the war, homeless and living in a Salvation Army shelter (that was a brief phase, soon as I got work I was out and back to supporting myself, but it happened and was a good experience in growing I am not ashamed of). To me, this is what life is for, covering a lot of ground, learning, finding things out for myself, enjoying every moment of it and what I could not enjoy, then finding out the meaning in it.
There actually is The Truth out here. I have found parts of it. Some of the things I have been I still am. Some of it I am not sure what to do with anymore. I have outgrown it but it remains a large part of what I know and so I feel a need to kind of acknowledge that. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe I am right. I will sort it out.
I want to tell you this. If you ever learn anything from anything I ever write or say, learn this: Go out and find out. You do not need to take anyone's word for anything. Go, find out, and live, for your sake while you have time and breath in your lungs. Don't be afraid. Don't let the bullies scare you off either, and God knows there are growing hordes of those wearing all different kinds of hats. Some are fundies who will assure you in high glee you are on the highway to hell. Some are sceptics who will be as vicious assuring you that you need psychiatric intervention and drugs. You deserve only what you have the brass to brush off and go on despite it, that is what they are around for, I think. Distractions.
When I was a cop we had to qualify often with weapons and we'd go out and fire in day and then at night with lights flashing and the trainers screaming and harassing us to compare our accuracy in both situations. You had to pass no matter what, both times. It works the same way in pursuit of anything occultic or paranormal. Like being a cop, it can get you killed and it can snap your temper and reason as well.
It can also make you the unique person you are and set you on a firmer foundation of answers to the questions you have asked to learn this lifetime. It can temper you to not be bothered by ridicule or sneers, you can know what you know, and be at ease with the great lot you do not know - and know others do not know for a fact either.
If you will learn a second thing from me, then let it be this - don't get in a rut or think it is over with. Keep asking and searching and learning and don't worry about how it looks to anyone else. This is all about you.
As a few of you know, my latest foray in study has been the Catholic faith in depth. I am applying myself to that right now with the same intensity and exactitude as I have studied everything else along the way. Naturally, my focus is on the mystical aspects of it more than the straight up liturgy. I was already and long since grounded in early church history, so that bit is easy. I am even taking the classes at the local Parish, which will run for several more months. I have no idea yet if I will actually join at the end of it, but it has been an interesting break to actually kick back and have someone tell me things for once, then go and see what I think about what was taught. I am learning vastly more outside of class about it, but, it is all interesting and a good place to be for me right now, and interesting to find many things that overlay what I already know, and things which challenge it all.
A lot of these folks I already know from other places, like Michael the Archangel, and Jesus Christ, both of those guys are tremendous friends of mine, proven many times. Quite real, too, whatever anyone thinks or tries to say. So, I have a few friends there when I walk in to the Church and have made a few more.
I am writing about this to assure anyone who wonders or feels awkward about where they are that it is alright, and you have freedom to explore wherever you feel is best for you to check out next. Compared to the value of your soul, if you believe you have one (I definitely do), what anyone else thinks matters about as much as cold ramen. Do not stop searching and go ahead and work on becoming the person you hope to be in the end, whenever that comes along for you.
Me? Hell. I was never a "good" Adept in Vodou as I considered it horsestuff that a real spirit needed me to kill an animal to feed it, so I did not ever do that and still got wanga done which rocked a few worlds of jerks. I worked with spirits who did not need that superstitious happy crap and did just fine. I probably won't be a perfect Catholic either if I join up, because you cannot unlearn some things I have seen and know to be true.
But, you know? In the end, we just have to do the very best we know to do, be true to ourselves, and live our lives as the best man or woman we know how to be. Some are going to hate you some will love you, some will like you anyway.
Which would still be true even if you sit home and buy into the party line and never take a risk.
Love you all.
I write to serve.