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The Darkness of The Deep

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About this blog

Personal views and musings from a lifetime of religious enquiry and spiritual exploration by a devoted God lover, Shaman and Vodou Initiate to the rank of Asogwe. The journey never ends, nor do the thoughts and tales I can tell. Some will get it, others never will. It is what it is.

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Not A Rockstar

The Point: Transformation

In a few months, I will hit the big six-oh, much to my astonishment. I always expected to die real young and if you knew me, you would understand why. I always had a wide (think skunk stripe LOL) streak in me of The Fool of tarot fame, that blend of naïve and fearlessness that can lead to almost anywhere and any ending of a story. But, for me there was only ever one Goal for all of my adventuring into the spiritual world and pursuit of "why" and "god?". I wanted to find out The Truth, and I was not satisfied with the person I was. I believed I was designed to be more than the emotionally abused and confused and lost kid I was way back then who saw things nobody else did and heard things no one else seemed to hear either. It has been a long road, many ups and downs, too.

Lord, looking back, I have been a fundie Christian, a tarot reader, a medium, a Vodou Asogwe ranked Initiate (Bishop basically in Haitian Vodou. That is as high as Initiations go in that tradition). I have been a lot of other things as well. A Shaman, a cop (retired now), military vet in the war, homeless and living in a Salvation Army shelter (that was a brief phase, soon as I got work I was out and back to supporting myself, but it happened and was a good experience in growing I am not ashamed of). To me, this is what life is for, covering a lot of ground, learning, finding things out for myself, enjoying every moment of it and what I could not enjoy, then finding out the meaning in it.

There actually is The Truth out here. I have found parts of it. Some of the things I have been I still am. Some of it I am not sure what to do with anymore. I have outgrown it but it remains a large part of what I know and so I feel a need to kind of acknowledge that. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe I am right. I will sort it out. 

I want to tell you this. If you ever learn anything from anything I ever write or say, learn this: Go out and find out. You do not need to take anyone's word for anything. Go, find out, and live, for your sake while you have time and breath in your lungs. Don't be afraid. Don't let the bullies scare you off either, and God knows there are growing hordes of those wearing all different kinds of hats. Some are fundies who will assure you in high glee you are on the highway to hell. Some are sceptics who will be as vicious assuring you that you need psychiatric intervention and drugs. You deserve only what you have the brass to brush off and go on despite it, that is what they are around for, I think. Distractions. 

When I was a cop we had to qualify often with weapons and we'd go out and fire in day and then at night with lights flashing and the trainers screaming and harassing us to compare our accuracy in both situations. You had to pass no matter what, both times. It works the same way in pursuit of anything occultic or paranormal. Like being a cop, it can get you killed and it can snap your temper and reason as well. 

It can also make you the unique person you are and set you on a firmer foundation of answers to the questions you have asked to learn this lifetime. It can temper you to not be bothered by ridicule or sneers, you can know what you know, and be at ease with the great lot you do not know - and know others do not know for a fact either.

If you will learn a second thing from me, then let it be this - don't get in a rut or think it is over with. Keep asking and searching and learning and don't worry about how it looks to anyone else. This is all about you.

As a few of you know, my latest foray in study has been the Catholic faith in depth. I am applying myself to that right now with the same intensity and exactitude as I have studied everything else along the way. Naturally, my focus is on the mystical aspects of it more than the straight up liturgy. I was already and long since grounded in early church history, so that bit is easy. I am even taking the classes at the local Parish, which will run for several more months. I have no idea yet if I will actually join at the end of it, but it has been an interesting break to actually kick back and have someone tell me things for once, then go and see what I think about what was taught. I am learning vastly more outside of class about it, but, it is all interesting and a good place to be for me right now, and interesting to find many things that overlay what I already know, and things which challenge it all. 

A lot of these folks I already know from other places, like Michael the Archangel, and Jesus Christ, both of those guys are tremendous friends of mine, proven many times. Quite real, too, whatever anyone thinks or tries to say. So, I have a few friends there when I walk in to the Church and have made a few more.

I am writing about this to assure anyone who wonders or feels awkward about where they are that it is alright, and you have freedom to explore wherever you feel is best for you to check out next. Compared to the value of your soul, if you believe you have one (I definitely do), what anyone else thinks matters about as much as cold ramen. Do not stop searching and go ahead and work on becoming the person you hope to be in the end, whenever that comes along for you. 

Me? Hell. I was never a "good" Adept in Vodou as I considered it horsestuff that a real spirit needed me to kill an animal to feed it, so I did not ever do that and still got wanga done which rocked a few worlds of jerks. I worked with spirits who did not need that superstitious happy crap and did just fine. I probably won't be a perfect Catholic either if I join up, because you cannot unlearn some things I have seen and know to be true.

But, you know? In the end, we just have to do the very best we know to do, be true to ourselves, and live our lives as the best man or woman we know how to be. Some are going to hate you some will love you, some will like you anyway. 

Which would still be true even if you sit home and buy into the party line and never take a risk.

Love you all.

I write to serve.

Not A Rockstar

Past Life Recall? Trouble Part 3

LMAO, Yes, Mom enjoyed Mass, thanks for asking. You know who you are.


Like my "reward" of being allowed to remember a small amount of my previous life, and actually walk a street and see some of my kin from that lifetime, before walking on, I think some real memories are allowed, even planned for, when we can process both sides of the issue. This can also be a problem if we deal with it wrongly. 

I was Native American a few lives ago. I know the group, and where we were going and why when I saw my young wife cut down like an animal by the troops before I could do anything to save her and felt how my whole desire to live another hour left me in that horrified moment. They killed me, too, of course, but in reality it was suicide. I could not live after seeing her cut down that way. Later, my Chief would say "I will fight no more, forever" and I understood it in that moment as she fell dead and I died inside. 

The sheer arrogance and barbarism of these white people coming from other lands and just thinking to make off with the land, the life, the world of another people and treat them like savages not worth living just as much is beyond me to ever comprehend. My young wife was cut down like a coyote and butchered twice more in the throat by a cur dog who did not deserve to even breathe the same air she did. But, the winners write the history so we have "Manifest Destiny" and "Little House on The Prairie" and "Sea to shining sea", today. Needless to say there was no way and no chance the young warrior who died back then was ever going to comprehend and make a fair judgment about his life.

However, after living as a white man for more than a couple decades, I have a little more perspective. It has taken me a few years to work through the deep feelings and rages. There is no one to talk this sort of thing over with. Back when I was here before on another account, I had a Native American friend who I told the story to who understood and was my one luxury at the time over it. He did help me to find some peace in it all and a sense of not being isolated away from "my" people, no matter how it looks. He is gone now, and so is the account I once was on UM. One of those meetings for a mutual purpose, perhaps.

Not a lot has changed though the passions and madness is gone over her death. It was wrong, all of it was wrong, and there is not any excuse for how the Natives were treated in their own lands by the invasions of aliens they faced. The same happened in Australia, and more recently is happening to Europe. Invaders do not care, and will not see anyone there before them as more valuable nor as anything other than "in the way" if they want more than they get. 

This memory and my need to process it is personal and offered as an example of why a memory might come through for a person. It has brought me peace, some understanding, but the final conclusion that I was not wrong then to see what they did as evil and wrong, and I still see it that way. Deeply, it burns.

But, it leaves me now with a new challenge. Now that I know these things and have this hidden insight into an issue like this, what am I to DO with it now? 

This body lacks a single drop of NA blood in it. I have no tribal connections and if I tried to approach my original people they'd roll their eyes about the loony white wanna be injun. I cannot help or be helped there. I am not some famous spokesperson who might activist for a cause for a tribe. After Katrina I did directly raise and transport into Golden Meadows Louisiana loads of supplies and heaters for the tribe there who was demolished by the storm. I heard about the need at the same pow wow I saw the Eagle flying in to respond and dance with the dancers there. I told the man who spoke about the need I would go and he nodded and looked bored and away and I recognized the usual "Yeah, ok, want a medal?" reaction, but, he did give me an email for the Council down there.

I went, the non-profit I was on the Board for paid for it, thousands of dollars was raised by Pagan Emergency Services Personnel across the country in days, and it doesn't matter. Suffering was eased. That matters. This is all I know to do, learn my insight, respond when I hear and can, always be on guard against devaluation of a race, arrogance, hatred, bullying, abusiveness. I may be white this life, but, I don't have to fit stereotypes and I can take pride in our better times and regret and not excuse our worse times and know in my heart the humble truth that you just never know who you once were, or what you once suffered or what mercy you found from a person like you are today. I pray to God no one has a past life memory of me doing something as hateful as what I saw happen to my wife back then on our run to Canada, but probably, someone does, and for that I am sorry. 

If more people understood this as they spew racist jokes or epithets and relish hatred and nurse a sense of grievance that they will be due to ride the rail on the other side of the hatred as well and experience the fruits of all that fostered hate, if they haven't already. I hope the day comes when we can get over all this self inflicted pain and get on with just living and working on the problems together.

The topic is reincarnation, however, but, I have shared all this to support my conclusion here about the topic. Most people I know who have memories are processing them and gaining the insights and working to do well with them, correct, resolve past issues within ourselves and move forward with this life. Not one of them ever was Cleopatra that they know of, nor Marc Anthony  either. They do not post on forums or spread their banal little tales around about being stone cutters or street thieves back then because they have other things to do than defend against accusations they cannot prove that Nebet ever lived, or if there is some mention of this Nebet that it is the same Nebet so they are just lying and making up things. Perhaps, it is sometimes accused, because they need to feel special.

Maybe the point is that we are NOT special, nor are you, and behind you is a great deal of experience you only know a fraction of that is playing out on many levels. To sometimes feel sad I lack the sense of tribal inclusion and belonging which is absent in my white world, and there being a closed door to feeling that again in this life is "special"? It was, once. Not today and not here and now. I am on track and doing what I came here to do, and when it comes to reincarnation, this is some of the ground I have covered in this lifetime and remembered. The chef was the most important fellow I recall being within his tiny world, chefs are like that. They are the gods of the kitchen. The rest were ordinary in their lifetimes. 

The beauty of it is that it doesn't matter if you believe in reincarnation, or not. Some of us seek a meaning in being here, and for a few there are these memories which harken back to times and lives we never knew in this one. Reincarnation provides one avenue for explaining and understanding and moving on from it a bit better off for the insight.

Wishing you well!

I write to serve.

Not A Rockstar

Past Life Recall? Trouble Part 2

So, where can trouble come into the equation when speaking of past life memories and the natural curiosity of people to want to know what lives they lived before, if any of it is even true?  Why, if these really are lives you lived at one time, would the "System" blank your mind out about any of them?

Here are the main reasons:

1. You are working out a past issue with someone else and for it to go well, neither of you need to know about that previous relationship right now.

2. There can be a major moral issue in one lifetime you need to resolve or else experience the other side of it thoroughly before you can do that to your satisfaction, so, this life you do not remember being a slave/slave holder/murderer/victim. This life you want to experience the other point of view of it so you can see the whole and understand it fully.

In the information about reincarnation, it is said that we decide these things before we are born. Some believe we really detail many of our experiences and relationships before we come here. We supposedly have guides with us throughout to make sure we make these critical meetings to accomplish what we came to get done this go round. This is nearly the only job "guides" actually have. They keep us on the schedule we set out for ourselves. 

Why Do Some People Have Memories of A Lot of Lifetimes?

Some people do have more memories than others. The general thought is that the higher you evolve the more you know about both sides of yourself and the closer to fusion you are with your whole (your higher self and your embodied self) so knowing many, or even all, your past lives would make sense in such a case.

The trouble is, this type of person is not going to be posting youtube videos telling you how exalted they are and how they speak with the archangels daily or extra-terrestrials. A truly elevated being like that doesn't even concern themselves with what you think, nor do they have to. Their focus is on whatever reason has them still lingering down here in the world. To meet someone like this you know already, you know right away, they are not the usual person. Peace, something extremely special seems to flow around them, and they exude and ooze love. I do not see auras, never have, so I consider myself like the majority reading this and so I will mention that around them it is as if they emanate light you cannot see. Just being around them lifts your heart and for me, it encourages me to keep trying and working hard. I have run into a couple of them is all. Both seemed to be homeless, but, I do not know for a fact this was the case. They were on the streets, anyway, one in Cairo and the other time I ran into one was in a major United States city. I am sure there are others. It is not as if I get around that much. You can feel their specialness, I think a rock could. It is almost scary.

So, moving on, most of those claiming they remember hundreds of lives are full of it, in my opinion. I began with fragments of one life. I now know more of that first memory, more than maybe people usually do but, I had to reincorporate a lot of the learning and skills in that life and work on them during this one. Even so, it is superficial. What I need to know is clear, what supports it and places it in context is no clearer than must be for the context to be evident. 

Besides this, I have worked for decades on it, and can recall now about five other life experiences to some degree. Some, like the brief one in WW1, just the moments leading up to my death and that death of gassing in the trenches in France, somewhere. One, my previous one here, I think was a late reward to me to explore and enjoy and learn about without causing any problems for anyone. It came late, not when I was young and eager and full of more "stoopid". I was a major chef in New Orleans, the restaurant remains there in the family, and it has given me great joy to explore a few facts of his life and verify and see it is going well. I have a wicked gumbo recipe I still make once in a while in this life nobody can beat, and no, I have never entered the establishment nor do I ever plan to. Abuse it and lose it is the way I understand the rules of the game. That life is not this one beyond the coincidence I live in the same state now. To be able to access a few recipes and remember and smile and take a distant pride that something remains of it is a good thing, a little reward, and a surprise. I mean, I had never supposed I was once a chef and huge personality like he was, but, there it is. We did share a fatal flaw, though, and I find that very educational. His official cause of death is different from the truth. I am alright with that. He was mistaken, he was wrong, and I have been wrong the very same way myself many times and hope we can learn this and move on to a more constructive resolution so I do not have to wrestle with it ever again.

How Can Remembering Be Trouble?

Obsession, derailing your whole reason for being here, derailing other people, being wrong, being delusional, the list doesn't end easily.

Our jobs are to live this life. This one. Everything you need to know came with you. Most of us have simple, human things we still have to get right, like how to succeed, or be moral, or learn charity or fidelity. For some, there is the goal to explore matters of faith and try on a few to experience them and come to some conclusions about them. 

I know many people who have gone through regression therapy sessions and discovered a past life in which some of their present emotional ills seem to be rooted in. By seeing the original life in their memories, this often resolves it in a positive way and frees them to move on with less baggage and bewilderment. It can be very positive.

The trouble comes in when people get obsessed with the notion they were once X. If it was in the (safely) distant past this just becomes a sad hang up. If it was like my memories of a recent past life where there remain descendants and physical locations a few hours drive away it can become a psychotic nightmare. I have never made any contact with that life directly. I know quite clearly it has zero to do with what I am doing in this lifetime. It was a reward, because I know this and was not going to abuse it. It has been fun to explore some public details, walk by the place, note changes, and feel some vicarious pride in the past. That the shadows between the two lives are so alike is distressing to me and I hope to find a way to overcome and beat it and make it into a positive form. I just need to learn the answer to a fundamental question billions of lives before and after me will struggle with - a sense of being unloved, of not being valued as highly as one desires to be. That may be the Big Question for many of us under it all.

But, you can imagine what would happen rapidly if I became convinced I needed to make contact with these people of my past, and became a stalker or something, obsessed with feeling I deserved to be there, deserved their successes today, was still kin of a sort. If lucky, I would be in a hospital. If not, I would be in prison or dead of getting shot breaking in. This is inane and ridiculous, and yet would be true for many and thus is one reason why we do not have memories.


Need to head out and take Mother to Mass, so will finish in part 3 later. Take care.

Not A Rockstar

Past Life Recall? Trouble Part 1

Recently, I enjoyed a wonderful conversation with an old, very knowledgeable friend, on the subject of reincarnation and past life memory. Like me, he is often asked questions about aspects of the esoteric and our discussions began with him sharing a post from someone asking why, if reincarnation is true, did this person not have any past life memories. Suffice it to say we have fun talking about reincarnation in general with each other before he went back to his inbox and I went to my own. But, it seemed a good topic for my overdue blog post, so here are my thoughts on the subject, in general.

Is Reincarnation True?

I do not think anyone can prove this, either way, but there are reams of compelling stories which seem to support it. Opposed to this are sceptics who deny it across the board, but, they sort of have to. I mean if we do not have souls at all, and end upon death, there is nothing to reincarnate with anyway. But, true or not is really not a critical point to believe in. The vast majority of us here are all about living this life, and the challenges raised in it, and getting it right the best we can. It is not relevant if this is the first time or tenth we have faced the same issue or how we failed at it before. As a result, this has never been a topic I spent much time teaching back when I was doing that heavily. 

Is Reincarnation An Eastern Religious Concept?

It is true that in India this is taken so far it creates a caste system there of low to high, but, in the West it survived apart from that as a more general and normalized passage all souls go through after a death, before returning again to live anew, rather like a string of pearls. For most in the West, it is not even a religious concept, but a private belief apart from their religion, due to other factors. There are those who say that Christianity denies it happens, so it is false, and a lot of Christians who think there may be truth to it. Many Pagan belief systems accept it, but, not all do. So, yes there is an Eastern view of it and a Western view of it and the two do not reconcile into a religion or religious dogma for both of them.

Why Do Some People Have Past Life Memories? Are these real? 

Because I lean more heavily to belief in reincarnation as being possible than not, I would say yes, some of them are true. I know I have some memories of my own, which are why I do tend to believe. Not all of them are, though, maybe even most of the loudest claims you will find online these days are false claims. Back in the 70's when this first got really big in the West, every girl I knew had been Cleopatra before. I knew several Marie Antoinettes, two Alexandras and... well, really that was it for the girls. The guys varied, some Merlins, a few Alexanders, only one King Tut surprisingly, and a couple Pattons.

Mind you, these were the ones talking loudly and for whom at the time it plainly meant a great deal. In hindsight, I see this as a very young and naïve period in the Western spiritual evolution and not one of these folks today is still spouting much of anything about the whole topic. It served me well, because I felt so minor to not have a memory like all of that. Mine was really small beside all that grandeur. It started in poverty and sank to worse when I was taken away by raiders to become a slave boy who nearly ended quite badly and predictably in the vices of the times. I did not tell many about it, worked on it hard, meditated on it deeply, was intensely curious and dubious, to be honest with you. I got more recall but nothing I was able to verify today. Not a single thing, for a long time. But, it did serve me in those years in encouraging me to meditate a lot in the first place as young as I was, and when it faltered, I would get a flash of another memory and that would have me refreshed and looking into a new window into my supposed past lives.    

The question is WHY would someone have a true memory anyway? From a life that is over with, one would suppose it is useless now. The answer is that it is not useless to you right now. That life had some issue you still deal with now, or it can provide an insight into some problem you wrestle with now. Things you got to face again to finally sort out, or a skill you need to pick up and take farther this go round. 

I do  think that many people have past life memories. Just they do not label them that way. An affinity to somewhere you never have been at all, the odd recognition of something you cannot possibly know, maybe, but, not a clear memory of knowing who you were, what was happening, what it looked like, what it smelled like, how it felt. I do think they can have at least a few minute glimpse into one of their past lives. Most will decide it is a dream or from some book or movie they watched. Maybe so. Maybe not. Maybe you watched that movie because the "dream" was true and you felt drawn to it. Maybe you really are just fantasizing. But, this will require you to seriously soul search and determine the truth of it. I can't do it for you. The main test is, what did this glimpse show me? What does it shed light on for me today? What was the same? What is not? If something, then use it and be happy. If nothing, then it is "neato gee whiz" stuff - have fun and move on. Don't get side tracked. Too many people seem to be consumed by this past life drama, and why? Live now. Being Cleo once before will not pay for your coffee at Starbucks.


Still recovering from a near fatal game of tag team with the flu so will end this here and come back to it as more comes to mind. My mental file structure for writing it just went out on a smoke break and I don't smoke anymore :o


Not A Rockstar

About Drugs and "Enlightenment"

I had been in the hike to learn all I can about the paranormal and transformative spirituality my entire life. Soon into it I was helping other people along the way and getting the occasional help and insight myself. The really active years once I escaped the house to college were in the 70's and drugs were everywhere, then. Lots of dope and alcohol, and not yet any awareness, if at all, about the hazards. 

An allergic reaction to it kept me away from pot. I am better than a drug dog when around it, one whiff and my sinuses close off. Needles freak me the heck out so I did not experiment with anything that needed one of those horrors. I was too hyper to tolerate speed or uppers. Ludes were more expensive where I went to college so on my budget not anything easy to abuse. It was basically a choice, pizza or a lemmon.... I survived on pizza.

This was all fortunate for me, because it was not until much later and seeing a lot of examples in real life, that I began to really grasp the destruction that drugs can cause. In my freshman year I met a guy who was the most brilliant and effervescent fellow you can imagine. He was wanting to get to med school, had a mind I could only dream about having. Just brilliant and rapidly became the best friend I had ever had to that point in my life. He was cool, too, he smoked pot a lot, and my parents would have hated that (+1) and everyone liked him and wanted to be with him, of course. I was a bit boring in comparison (-1). Such is life. We were both working on campus that summer to earn tuition money, but once school started I didn't see him much. I was pursuing religion and history and he was in biology and chemistry sorts of things. The few times I ran into him, he seemed distracted or vague and I wrote it off to busy with school, as I was. It was not until one evening I was in the caf after dinner studying for some quiet and he came in and after a pause, came over to me to sit down and it kind of hurt me to see that pause, as if he didn't really want to see me at all.

He looked bad for him. The slick guy all the girls adored was looking rough, he was restless, antsy, hair long and needing a good wash. Mine was long, too, but, I kept it clean, was kind of vain about it. This was not my friend of the summer just past. Even the way he talked was wrong. He slurred some words, had trouble expressing things with the clarity he'd had, and his once sparkling eyes looked haunted. We talked a while and finally our old trust rekindled and he admitted he didn't know what was wrong but he didn't feel the same anymore and was not going to pass second semester, would not be coming back next year.

He tried to laugh a lot and talked as if as before, we were in tune and thought alike, but, what he said was not the guy I had known before. He hated school, he didn't care about anything but he did talk a lot about pot. Finally, I could take no more of it and told him he had changed, and he had to stop with the pot and get himself back together, he was acting as if he was fried.

For a moment tears welled in his eyes, for a moment I saw the guy I had known in his gaze as our eyes met, and he whispered, "I am. It is all gone." Then the moment was gone and he was laughing it off and talking about a party coming up and soon was out the door for another joint. I never saw him again. I have also never forgotten him or stopped caring about the destruction something so harmless had done to a man destined to be one of our finest doctors someday. It cut me awfully deep and was perhaps a valuable lesson for a 19 year old to get shoved into his face undeniably. Especially as soon after this my personal searching for God led me to work on shamanism intensively about then and explore some of the things I had been doing at times in my growing years that were similar.

What fried my dear friend was the common practice of "cutting" lower grade weed with pharmaceuticals. Angel dust/PCP was commonly used, other drugs. Heck, I have heard then of rat poison being used. If you were a hippie in my day, you probably heard similar going the rounds of gossip where you went to school. You had to be careful, real careful, not only of the dealers but also of the product. As his tolerance had built he had gone with the weed from dealers which still gave him a kick, and that had been "walked on" and "cut" and it fried all that brilliance away. May have been in one real bad high, or over a few, but, he was not coming back from that cooking of his brain. We all in that age group remember the ads of eggs in a frying pan and the words "This is your brain on drugs". It is true, when you hit the wrong thing, and too late then. It does not heal up 100% after a point of no return.

The New Age and neo-Shamanism was and is an easy crutch for dopers to justify drug use and abuse as spiritual practices. They point to indigenous examples where some hallucinogens are used and justify getting high on pretty much anything as if it was the same thing and the things they saw when hallucinating or suffering flashbacks later as if these were visions, similar to the ones in the Bible. Many who have done this way too much see things all the time which serve no purpose at all and think of it as if it was their "gift" or power and nothing about it is useful for anything and most of it is actually psychosis as the damaged brain loses certain parameters and filters for interpreting reality. 

Modern psychology can prescribe things that can mute some of the repercussions for a victim of this but there really is no way to repair and replace damage of this sort. The visions are nothing but symptoms, the bug eyed little people they see are cartoons of a wounded mind parroting random drivel from the brain, not deep insights into the State of Man. I am grieving with all my heart right now as I write, remembering my friend and many other wounded addicts I have dealt with since then. I am thankful for those who have gotten out of that free fall, but, not enough ever did escape the lure of oblivion or escape and laughter or crazy dreamed adventures for long. That stage does not last. It does not stay fun or optional and free willed.

I have said it in other posts and I will say it again, as a competent shaman sitting here in the present, who can journey and do readings and speak with spirits and all the things half my friends adamantly do not believe in but still like me as a person (thank you for that), you do not need drugs to fly. In fact, they will limit you if your real dream this life was to see something and be able to know for yourself if it is true and Something More is out there.

Listen to me, I have tears in my eyes as I am typing this from my heart to you. You need to be terribly sane and stable and whole to ever become a Master in anything out here, be it paranormal or hard core science.

To ever be in a chat and simply shift without effort and see the person you are typing to as if they are right before you and see the troubles in their life as they ask you for advice and be able to answer them with truth, you need to be all there. You have to be these solid things to live the sort of crazy life that will give to you the experience to even grasp the things they struggle with. You need every filter and healthy cell of your brain to process the sometimes truly bizarre imagery of the Other Realms to get the data you need for a task handed to you by Spirit. You need all of your IQ to excel in physics to grasp that new insight which leads to a new discovery. You need all your comprehension skills to understand and excel in chemistry.

Drugs are a lie as any sort of shortcut to any sort of enlightenment. Some of what one use can do is shift something and forever mess you up in how you perceive things. Call it a "tea" call it whatever you want, it is a lie. Do not accept it if a friend claims spirituality as his reason to use. Do not trust it as something just to "relax" to study better in a girlfriend. Do not accept it as anything but a lie. Walk away.

Just as you would go to college or at least read serious books if a deeper knowing of astronomy was your passion, so also must you pursue Spirit and your own growth if your passion leans towards the esoteric. Both desires take time, and work, and effort and learning above all else how to discern between something real and something that is a pipe dream. Your college responds by providing learning opportunities and structure for those goals. Spirit does the same and will help you fulfill what really is your own purpose. If you do not do all the work, you will never be a doctor... or a shaman.

Drugs go with neither dream. Pipe dreams are only that - smoke on the wind and then gone. At least a waste of time, at most a waste that lives on for life. 

Do as you will, but, do not lie to yourself about indigenous alleged practices you actually know nothing about as being some sort of way to enlightenment. At best it is like buying your degree from a diploma mill. Say whatever you wish to claim but you do not have "it". You hold nothing.

I write to serve.

Not A Rockstar

Karma, The Big Wheel, pt 2

Like the Karma concept, this topic is coming around again on me. I got a few questions after posting the first part of this, which I expected to stay a one post topic, so I am expanding on what I am talking about a bit to answer those questions.

Some time ago, I started listening to channelings done by Lee Carroll of Kryon. I never have thought much of channels I have heard before over the years. It is always weird and doom and gloom and if it is of a historical person, they never seem to talk or think the way history tells us the person was. But, I got to listening to this guy, one channel on youtube and ended up letting it auto-play. His tone, his spirit, his ideas were all refreshing and got me thinking. I did not agree with it all, but, I never ask that even of my friends. I like to be made to think, why does this resonate? Why does that make me recoil? What do I really think about this? I found myself nodding a great deal as I listened and played one of my games while the talks ran on and on.

The results have been obvious and welcome for me. My depression has backed so far off I don't think I am depressed anymore. Free of that my creativity is beginning to flow again and I have been back to my sci fi writing and have started a new website, even. I don't lose my temper like I used to do a lot, and when I do I see it and stop it real quick. My views have changed, kundalini entered my life overtly, which I have written about. It is all positive, so what can I say about that? It is not for everyone and if you cannot accept that when he references Lemuria and Atlantis that he is just using them as what we call two prior civilizations, and has never once said that was their real name, then don't trouble yourself. He covers a lot of ground, this has been going on for about twenty years now I believe.

But, one of the things he talks about as being fundamental and necessary for progress in personal change and growth is to learn to love ourselves, chill out on the critical attacking some of us are prone to do to ourselves. He says we have to stop with that and accept ourselves as we are lovingly and work from there to improve in ways we choose. He is not the first to tell me something like this, I have a big spirit in Vodou who used to get upset with me for this very thing. I remember one time that shocked me, he said that if someone else beat me up as bad as I beat up myself, he would kill them. 

That is pretty severe. I have been working on this for a long time. 

Some people think that releasing karma as I have talked about in my first post is about forgiving and forgetting, being weak and goody two shoes, and I don't see it, myself. It is about releasing the debts owed to you in order to be freed of those you owe. In doing this, the emotional baggage eventually drops away. Things that once hurt you and wrapped you up in anger and hurt suddenly are just things that happened before. I am not sure how better to emasculate an enemy than by honestly no longer being affected or caring about what he or she did. They lose their power over you, they become meaningless to you in this way. It is less about being somehow noble or good enough to forgive and forget than it is about dropping the past and freeing yourself to get on with the potentials of the future with that clear. The depression which has dogged me for years has floated off somewhere and there remain problems and issues to deal with in my life but I am not as hampered as I felt before to deal with them. 

Releasing karma is said to be a major early step towards advancing in your spiritual progression. I don't think of it this way, though, given that if you buy into all that is said about it we have supposedly lived hundreds of lifetimes here to reach this point. This point... where I am so advanced I only sometimes cuss out the guy who cuts me off in traffic... I have a long way to go yet. But, if this will help, then so be it. It did more to exorcise my shadows than any one other thing I have done.

I write to express and share ideas, not sell them to anyone. Free will rules and we all choose our roads, our attitudes, our filters and how we see the world and ourselves. I consider one verse in the Bible, which speaks about judging things by their fruits, not what they look like. In other words, it can be a beautiful apple tree, but until you get the fruit from it and taste it, you do not know it is a good apple tree for sure. Judge things by the results. If your attitude draws negative responses from others, it might be negative. If something you are doing brings you peace and greater positivity, then it may be good for you. 

So, yes, I am exploring some new ideas for me, and so far I really like the results. If that changes then I will re-evaluate matters, because I am a strong advocate for positive change, for always striving for better ground and clearer understanding. If something does not work, I toss it. Life is too short for that mess.

I am writing about this not because I think everyone should do this and drop their karma or change how they see it, but because it never occurred to me we even could release it and be done with it. When I first heard about it, my first thought was "why?" Truth is I am not sure how we can ever work it all off. Even if you went into a monastery at a young age, you will get dinged somehow. For all the comparative good I have done in my life, I was still being crucified by depression and many nights wondered, Dear God, if karma is real what the hells did I do to warrant this? I have been down enough one wrong word from someone who really didn't matter that much could send me spiraling deeper into it. It was ridiculous, but real. Now it is just ridiculous. 

For me, this works and flows well with the rest of what I am working through. Maybe someday the idea will work for you now you have heard of it. Maybe it won't. 

But, if it made you think about how you see karma and if you believe it or not, it is a win. New ideas should do that, be interesting, and help clarify how you see the world as you agree or reject a new idea.

That is a good thing. 

Not A Rockstar

Karma, The Big Wheel

When it is time to write a new post I look for synchronicities when deciding what to write about. Lately, it has been karma, The Wheel in tarot, and how bogged down we can become in life and circumstances and feel as if nothing will really change. It can be as if we simply spin our wheels and bog down more in the experience of our life. I grew up with this idea under it all, the constant adage that what goes around comes around, you reap what you sow.

But, you know what? It never seemed to work like that for everyone. I have observed so many people just seeming to be richer by the day from messing others over. I have watched the truly wicked just rise to the top and never seem to pay for it all. Maybe, they pay in other ways, but, when you are broke yourself, having a bit of wealth doesn't seem that bad, right? It was hard for me for many years to understand these things. I talked about and even bought into the notion of karma, but, I cannot honestly say I believed in it as a real force at work out there, within the paradigm of belief I had at most points in my life.

These days, I am working with a much better framework for me and when for the billionth time my lady remarked in my hearing that "what goes around, comes around" as we heard about a person we knew who had seemingly gotten what was coming to him, I was reminded of this karma thing. 

It is a real effect, I think now, but maybe not the way I thought of it before. We get that bogged down effect because we really do not change how we react or perceive things, and we cannot change easily because of the sheer weight of it it seems. In a way it is like we are all nailed to this wheel that never stops turning, and so we keep doing the same things over and over, in cycles and experiencing many of the same challenges and issues, and good things and lucky breaks. It is not all bad. 

Trying to generate "good" karma, to repair past wrongs done is an exercise in limited returns for me. I really do not know very many specific things I have done wrong to others which might incur bad karma. On the whole, my life is pretty good. IF it is true that we live more than one life, then good luck sorting out things I have no memory of. Human nature makes it a lot easier to remember wrongs done to us than things we have done wrong to others. We also are pretty blind things. Most of us, if we really were aware of the consequences of our behavior to someone else would not do it if we knew it would hurt them somehow. We do things because we can be blind to this.

So, is there an answer? Actually, yes, there is, and it is pretty amazing and has really far ranging impacts for us and others. But, there is a price tag on it as well. Some are not ready to pay that.

OK, so tell us "Rockstar" what it is and move on please....

We can instruct our self to release it all and get off that damn wheel is what it is. Let it go, all the good owed to us, give it up. Poof. All the wrongs done to us, give it up and let it go. Poof. Nothing owed to me karmically. Poof. Nothing owed by me karmically. Poof. As we forgive, we receive forgiveness. As we release, we receive release ourselves from this gunk. Every time I catch myself mulling over some past wrong done to me, (and I can be bad for this, I can be an Olympic class brooder and sulker) I remind myself and let it go, forgive it again, send a good thought the way of the person I was blaming and move on again. At first, I did this a lot. At first it was a struggle to sincerely forgive some of those folks behind me. Now, it doesn't come up that much anymore and I cannot begin to tell you how much lighter and better I feel. I do not care anymore about those people. The once charged memories are now just things, and no longer pain me the way they did. Yeah, people have hurt my feelings and efforts. But, I have done the same to others. I have been less mature and responsible and aware in how I have acted. So have they. Their growth and improvement is not my issue, only mine is and so I choose to move on and get off the wheel. 

It is forming the clear intent in your mind, and vocalizing it and then following through and retraining yourself to not think that way anymore, to move on and expect things to change slowly, and new ground to start turning up for you as you progress in really letting go of this dead weight. It can take a while and be a process. Some hurts run very deep and I know it, but begin with what you can and know it all has to go in the end, all has to be released, and work on it. I have had people tell me this hurt or that event cannot be healed, it is too big, and I have to tell you that it can. The only limit is you, and if you can grow enough to let it go and be free of it. Our pain, our losses, our past do not have to define us all the way to our grave. 

That big wheel may keep on turning, but, nothing says we have to stay on it. 

I write to serve.

Not A Rockstar

Kundalini Rising: Month Two Plus

Just noticed it has been over two months, now, closer to three, really, since I unexpectedly experienced an awakening of Kundalini. It seems a good time to post an update about it and some of what I have learned over the past time of living with it.

I knew nothing about this until it happened, but, was no stranger to sensing things or seeing things or working with energy. Years ago I got all my Reiki Mastery attunements just to see what that was all about, was a Pentecostal Christian for some years and raised on the Holy Ghost. The occasional people who claim this is all nonsense and not real have no weight with me. There are a lot of real things out here that others need to deny and create their own negative bias to support for their own reasons, That has nothing to do with me or my life. I do not lie nor am I delusional, thanks.

This has been an interesting phase though for the research I have come across about it. Since my last post on kundalini, I have run into one guy who assures me it is demonic and requires deliverance and adherence to a more pure form of Christianity. I find this sad, because I am sadly familiar with demonic activity and that never has anything to do with love, self discipline, or breaking of addictions such as drugs or pornography. Quite to the contrary when a demon is very much present in a life or attempting to subjugate a person's will. However, I have come to a better understanding of what it means to have free will and less concern when I run into people who are exercising their own. That person would not engage in discussion with me, in fact almost seemed unwilling to admit this was his position to me even though I asked him directly and his ideas were plain in something he had written. It was as if he did not expect someone who was experiencing "K" to ask him. Maybe he feared a fight about it, but, I don't care to bother with that. No need for it. I was interested in why he believed this after allegedly being an instructor of it for some years and presumably being competent in it at one time.

I will say this, it is like anything else. If you have a phenomenon, you will always have a fake turn up, and one or the other always gets the "demonic" branding. People delude themselves, or want something and so fake it, or else do what they think is really happening and then debunk their own fallacious "experience". 

I have been lucky. I have read an easy dozen reports about real issues some are having with K in their lives. I have read a neurologist claiming it is a mental health crisis in need of drugs to bring to a halt immediately. There have been a few posts about the "nofap" movement which seems to underlie K progression. As usual, there are those who work diligently all the time to make progress deeper into it, and a percentage who want to stop it entirely on the forum my primary mentor works to help people publicly. Some are extreme in dietary considerations, others are like me, just moving on with life the same as before, with occasional experiences of K arising and demanding more attention for a while more than always being at the back of my mind, 24/7.

Like my mentor, who is that because I have chosen him as my example, not that he has accepted me as a student, I feel a clear need to be out here, where I actually do not want to be, willing to talk about it and being available as a source of information for this experience. It is like the rest of the paranormal and religious explorations I have done over my lifetime, I cannot just indulge my own curiosity but do need to tell a few of the stories. 

It does not pay to fan the flames of a supposed paranormal experience and blow it all out of proportion. Experience has shown me that ignoring it and letting it force itself into my awareness and reveal what it actually is about gets me a more accurate assessment of what is truly going on. If it cannot do this, it is not significant enough to warrant me wasting time trying to sort it out. I took this approach with K as well, sort of went to ground after it happened, did not do anything to try to fire it up stronger, researched around, checked with my own known inner sources, took it as it came.

None of the psychotic episodes some describe came close to happening. I have not experienced any of the kriyas which seem very common (autonomous movements of the body apart from being the willed motions of the experiencer, often repetitious). That the energy can communicate clearly is true. Sometimes in bursts of insight, sometimes literal words. Different from Reiki, where you muster the energy and direct it, K has its own will and comes and flows as it wants to. Unlike Reiki, which seems to exist more as a gift for others to help and heal, K is basically all about you, changing you, opening your eyes to your own actions and your own place and significance in All Things. That is not anonymous, though, it points to a divine aspect of All Things. It illuminates an end point reality of being One with All and yet Unique, divinely unique at the same time. This is admittedly a challenging reality to grasp, but, I have seen it, glimpses, and have a vague understanding of where it all goes to. 

At this (extremely early) point, I have to conclude a few things about my experience. It does not pay to be one of those who try to force it to wake up and come into your life. Those seem to be the ones with all the major problems, drama and issues. Not knowing these folks personally, maybe that is how they deal with most things. I have always been more pragmatic and dogged about things. I always meditated a few times a day for short periods and still do. It came on its own. If it really is of God then it can deal with me where it found me. I have done nothing to try to inspire it to greater heights. I have not started yoga (pullease), changed my diet nor cut the wife off. I never had a porn addiction so that has not been something I have to wrestle with now to break. My main addiction was cigarettes and I quit those five years ago but it is not gone. My Dad's death last Winter had me instantly craving a smoke as if I had never quit at all. I had to actually go back on the gum and still chew it now and then trying to re-quit (though I did NOT light up. The pain, though, is real). 

Speaking more as a form of clergy (Vodou) with decades of experience (and not as a K rising person of great experience - which I am NOT), I think some of this extremism is inherent to East meets West and enthusiasm in people wanting to respond to a tremendous experience which seems to be like the very touch of God and divine Love. It is life changing, even for me who already has known that the Love of God is real, transforming and forever. For people who have never known that or perhaps even believed there was Someone Out There who loves them, this is the most important thing in life and they react accordingly. It is self validating, nobody can convince you it is not happening, it is not real and it is not there and alive, if you really have it going on. It got my attention, for all I have ever experienced over my life.

The way I see it, ok, K is here for me, now. So are some other facts of life for me and we will work on it as a team. I am all about God and loving Him back, but, I also have obligations. I am not going to diss the wife, I am not going vegan for anyone, I already do not eat a great deal of meat just because my tastes have changed over time but rules suck. I am not going to call it being a vegetarian. I will go to a steak house with anyone given the chance, and feel no remorse over it. Kundalini is not a religion and I am wary about accepting "rules" which have some of that odor to them, not simply good advice which helps one along the way.

So, what has changed? In my inner world, I am always accompanied with Other now. I am not alone. I knew this before but now, it is quite clear to me. I am beginning to grasp that Other is not really Other the way I thought before, but the word is useful to explain things, still. I see way more clearly than I ever did that free will controls almost everything out here in this experiential reality we share. Yours, mine, his, hers. As a result, you can say I care less about what others think, and you would be right. I deal with dissension a different way these days if I have to deal with it at all. People CHOOSE how they want to think and experience the world, so let them do that. The adults among them will allow you to do the same, the children are the ones who will try to insult and sneer and attack you for not being like them much like a flock of chickens will peck at the one without feathers until they kill it to force conformity. It leaves them with conformity, but not superiority.

There are bigger issues, larger fish to fry as it were, than worrying about opinions. I don't run with the flock, haven't for some time, and I finally see this and what a good deal it turns out to be. Kundalini has opened my eyes to this more clearly than I ever saw it before.

Not A Rockstar

Belief: Finding Your Own Path 6

How we see "god" varies among religions out there and there is somewhere for almost anyone. Atheism embraces the belief that nothing supports there even being a god, so there is no god at all.

Mainstream Christianity is defined by their belief in Jesus as the Son of God who manifested in the flesh and incarnated to bring God's love to life to the world through His actions and words. After His death and subsequent resurrection, a religion arose, principally through the efforts of Saint Paul, which is monotheistic, yet sees the godhead as being triune - God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. As this is the majority religion still in the West, it is one that is easily found and joined and learned about firsthand, and thus is a common place to start on a search for God. 

Christianity is one of a three-some which are all intertwined in region of the world they originated in and the general backstory they all embrace at least in part. It is related to Judaism and also Islam. All three of these, often referred to as "The Big Three" are mono-theistic and the supreme deity in them seems to be the same entity referred to. Differences abound otherwise.

Other than the Big Three, there is an array of other religions out there. In the East, we find Hinduism and Buddhism. Hinduism has a pantheon of divinities, Buddhism essentially seems to have none in one sense, it is more about following Buddha into ascension, or Nirvana. They revere Buddha but, it would be error to get confused (as I did as a kid) and think Buddha was 'god" for them. 

In the Orient we find a lavish array of religious thought, including Buddhist sects, Taoism, Confucianism and others. In a general survey, one could see these as schools of thought as much as a religious form. 

Outside of these main belief tracks, are a great many others. I do not like to refer to them as "Pagan" faiths as that is awfully dualist. By definition "Pagan" means non-Christian to most folks and the world is not black and white like that really. However, let us talk about some beliefs which identify as Pagan, themselves. 

Wicca is  perhaps one of the better known ones which was created in the UK in the first half of the 20th Century and was introduced out of the work of Gerald Gardner. It is based upon a lot of ancient hermetic and pagan motifs for the basic structure of the religion.  Since then it has split off into dozens of denominations within it with as many different approaches to the core beliefs as Christina churches do. While some have masculine deity forms included it is generally a Goddess based belief in the primary divinity worshipped. Generally speaking, it is not monotheistic. The diversity makes it very difficult to state firm facts about it as a whole. There are also many practitioners who follow their own private path in this faith structure and they can be very diverse in how they see the world and spirituality. Goddess or not, I have found them very easy about talking about Deity and not at all hostile to someone like myself who has a masculine view of God, as long as the discussion is mutual and non-hostile as well.

I do have to split the Wiccans I have met into two camps, which they themselves probably would not approve of. I have met some traditionalists as I think of it, and they seem to be pretty pure and looking to the old rites and ways and researching those and bringing them to date and to life. Druidism, some of the Nordic paths, and Tuatha de Dannan material (the Fae) are some of the related paths. The history and material and myths behind these traditions is marvelous.

I have also met New Age Wiccans who seem very different and are perhaps best known out in the mainstream. These are notorious for appropriating from other religions and filling facts in as needed. Most of these later settle into their own rich actual history, or end up moving on, to be honest. You can find a serious hodge podge of ideas and beliefs in this group and it is less structured by far. They see no issue with taking what they like from other traditions, and are really disliked by the traditions who have found their own sacred details used or abused in ways never intended by this group, but, there it is. I rarely consider these to be real Wiccans, it is an easy name to claim and people who have little real emotions and devotion involved find defamation easier. But, you will see the word used and claimed by some and find what they say and how they act to reveal the section I would put them in by their own doings. 

Shamanism is a rather universal early religion or spiritual path that seems to be worldwide, is a common stage for all early civilizations to pass through. It remains alive today in several forms. It is more spiritual and nature based than a God centric religion. The same can be said for many Wiccans and witches I have met. Most Wiccans call themselves witches, but not all witches consider themselves to be Wiccan, interestingly enough. 

VooDoo is one of many ancestral based religions originating in Africa and transplanted violently via slavery into the New World, where it then morphed into several varieties, to include Haitian Vodou, Candomble, Obeah, Palo, Santo/Orisha worship and others. Most people class these as being Pagan, but they themselves do not. They are in some cases a sort of Africanized Christianity which is vehemently denied and despised by Christian Churches,  but, they do not see themselves as non-Christian, believing in Jesus and God and even Mary and the Saints. Then again, some inside these religions do see themselves as more Pagan that Christina due to that very hatred. 

For some, god is less of an issue or interest and they explore Western Ceremonial magic, or other esoteric occultism and mysticism, or witchcraft. 

The New Age has an explosion of ideas and beliefs espoused out there, ranging from the inane to the sublime. I am not here to point out what is inane, I will leave that to you. A lot of people come from many other religious tracks and meet here for specific practices or interests which overlap, such as divination, or psychic pursuits. It includes everything from Mediums and palm readers to outer space cults to channels to paranormalists. It is possible that the Scientology people would fall in here. Perhaps the Urantians also would. One can be, after all, Christian and New Age. One can, really, be anything plus New Age. It is not always a derogatory label. Much of it is simply new, progressive and changeable. 

When considering a religion to embrace, a few things should be done, in all sincerity. Do not be run of the mill, please. Read, study, know the true history and facts of your chosen religion. If it comes along with sacred texts, study and know those. KNOW what it is you profess to believe before you buy the t-shirt, please. This world is full of folks who fancy that their challenges or denials of your belief is sport, to "pop your bubble" and if you actually are not well grounded you will basically either go away upset and mad or flounder after a shouting match. Know who you are and what you believe. That is arrogant for others to do this is irrelevant. They will do it and think this and it doesn't matter in the end. What matters is you and if you have found your home spiritually and emotionally. It is like a ringing telephone, there is actually no requirement for you to answer the damn thing just because it is ringing. Same thing if someone opts to challenge or mock you. YOU need proof for your path, not them, there is nothing you have to prove if you are not out there making wild claims and challenging them. Remember who you are - a precious, much loved, child of the cosmos, same as everyone else. 

In closing, I would add that the person who is comfortable in and well versed in their beliefs is not threatened by other ideas or beliefs. It is entirely possible to listen, consider, even learn other ideas without accepting them as your own truths. Sometimes, the new concept will enlighten you to a deeper insight into your own thoughts. Sometimes it will be laughable and make you more sure of what you think is true.  But, grace, courtesy and compassion can get a point across better every time than mockery. 

Whatever you believe, do it well, know it well, learn the history and truth behind it, and find the roots of it all without blinders on. Poke holes in it, test it, know it, so you are not surprised when someone else does it. If you find better, change. God is so big He can be male or female or neither at all. He can be everything that is, he can be within you, he can reveal himself through anything anywhere if he chooses to and you are seeking and looking for him. He can be one, or three, or a group. It depends who you ask, and I think anyone who honestly loves God and seeks him with all their heart will find him and truth and it is alright if we do not end up with the same cookie cutter concept of what is god.

Why bother with a religion at all? It is a system which we can learn and use to hang up our ideas and thought and beliefs, something like a closet. It comes with rules, protections and things to do. It gives us a paradigm in a world gone mad to touch and hold as our baseline, our anchor, to ground us until and unless we choose to move the anchor or grab a different one. Our beliefs inform and flesh out our reality. The reality of an atheist is going to be different from that of a devout monk, and you will differ from both. So choose your reality, understanding what it is and what it does and how to let it work for you in providing structure, encouragement and strength.

I wish you well on your journey, apologize to those who may not like comments here, and after reviewing it several times am letting it stand as written. If you really have better you wish to add, send it to me and if I verify it I will update the blog post. I am not a world class expert on every religion out there. This is not meant to be a book, just a survey. 

I love you. Really.

I write to serve.



Not A Rockstar

Belief: Finding Your Own Path 5

The question of God. Is there a god? If there is, what is god like? This may be second, as questions go, only to the question of why are we here? Most of us have wondered these things to some degree in our life. What is it all about?

Religion is man's effort to answer this sort of question. If you look at the array of religions out there and choose one that feels like a good fit for you, it should be alright, as long as you remember what it is and what it is not. It is man's effort that creates it. Many will claim some great enlightenment or revelation which proves their religion is the only true one, but here is the bottom line. 

You never lose your responsibility to grow, to learn, to seek and discern truth for yourself. I do not care what religion you think you are, when a person exalts the religion over the Divine, when he focusses more on the doctrine than the living spiritual relationship within him, he is wrong. If there is not that living relationship within, why are you even still there? This is where a few Moslems went wrong when they went overboard and thought Allah wanted them to murder thousands in His name. This is where the Catholic Church went wrong when they afflicted the Inquisition on Europe. It is what allows some people to think it is alright to murder abortionists for the "glory of God". This is error and most religions go through it. They grow, they learn and correct and often end up better on the other side, but it is ugly, much like our own journeys and lives can get at times.

How I have seen God over my life has ranged from Pentecostal zeal to agnosticism, bordering nearly on atheism. We live in a world that challenges us and our ideas and beliefs constantly. Not only the unbelievers out there challenge you but also fellow believers do. Trust me, I know of two priests who I have spoken at length with over the years who would say I am a Believer. The rest probably would not. They have their assumptions they know what Vodou is and what I believe and how wrong I am and there is no way in their rule book I can possibly be on anything but a Highway to Hell. This used to trouble me to a degree until I finally grew up enough spiritually to let it be alright. They need their filters. I have some of my own. My concern is one - does God know me? Are we chill? Yes? Then I am doing just fine, thanks. 

I say all this to open the next part of this quick series on how to find where you are in the big picture if you are looking. The basic question you have to answer is about God. Some say this even is more basic than that and comes down to how you see the whole matter of Creation.

My Pentecostal Grandparents had the most amazing and elaborate tales of Creation in seven days and the world God destroyed before (accounts for the dinos and fossil record neatly), and it all ended in a literal Heaven with gates of Pearl and streets of gold. Everything was explained and set. I was ok with that for a long time until I got to wondering if it was a day for each of the first six, then what was going on now with a seventh day which had not ended yet.... or had it and the story had stopped? Where did that leave us and where was God now? That was when the beatings and abuse really set in and rather cemented my adamancy to ask questions and trust that the answers were out there.

I share my story to illustrate that your own ideas may shift and change and questions arise and this should not scare you. If you persist in seeking for truth, you will find your way through and the very journey you have been on will teach you how to express and explain to someone else if they ever turn to you and ask "what do you think this means?" The experiences on your journey are what help to light your way as you go onward in life. Early on I had this naïve seeming idea that all religions saw God from a slightly different direction and angle, and this was alright because God was so big that none of us was able to see the whole anyway. Decades later, I remember that and think it may have been truer than not, after all.

In my paradigm, I see that we are each of us born with the unique capacity to contemplate our self and consider life and the god question. Capacity equates to me as a potential. Potential equals something to fulfill if we choose to. Free will rules, and some use that to decide there is no god at all as a result of the filters they embrace. Others conclude that there is and so build their lives by taking on filters which reveal this for them in the format they more easily relate to. 

Example? Alright. I see the repeating patterns in creation and have concluded there is a plan, this did not all happen by marvelous coincidence upon coincidence upon lucky chance. A plan infers planner(s). So, I believe in Creation, as a process, there was a process and plan which unfolded through epochs, some longer than others, and the notion of a literal week is simply metaphor. Creative design, intelligent design, this is how I think everything I see happened. That is one of my filters. What does not agree gets filtered out as a truth for me as a result. That is how filters work and we all have them. I like science but to believe all of this was a grand coincidence and happenstance takes more faith than I can muster. I don't believe in that many coincidences. 

So, with this filter, then one can assume I think there is a planner who worked the plan, and that probably is something "god" would have a hand in. 

You will create your own filters as you search to determine what you believe today. They will overlay each other and in the end be how you view the god question and how you answer it. It is alright if we do not have identical results. The journey is not over yet and we all have different things we came to do here. 

To the degree any religion you espouse supports your journey and search and grows your understanding of the god within us all, it is a good thing and the good purpose for religions. On my journey, my choice to go into Vodou so seriously came at a point when I was nearly an atheist and it revealed God to me in a way I had never imagined before and brought me back to belief again. This is why I no longer run a House or do public events, I still claim it and respect it for what it gave to me. I honor my vows and remain clergy for it, but, it never did demand I spread a faith or sell it. Those Lwa just expect me to honor my roots and respect my Ancestors and be honorable before God. I can do that. I no longer need a house or altars, all of that is inside my heart and soul; and I don't need the trappings anymore. I don't need the gris gris or oils or items to do wanga. All of that was just physical things seeking to teach me about the Will, our own divine power of will. I can throw wanga with a simple decision of my mind, now. I pretty much have decided not to do that at all, but, I have done it. I leave the option open as some things and some folks respond to nothing else, at their level. 

True religion is this, carrying within YOU the clear image of how YOU see god/dess/the Divine/Creation and the love of the divinity out there echoing in you as you. Carrying the honor of it as your own revelation, and being true to the rules and calls it places upon you as a result of your own choices. This is a fancy way of saying being the best person you know how to be, and loving your Creator with all you have inside of you to do that with. Seeking to grow and be good and be more like you perceive the love from the divine. 

I write about this before I close with a post about religions because this comes first, it has to, or nearly so. Religion without the love of the divine within you is like an empty shoebox, a clanging bell, a dissonant wind chime in the breeze - it is empty and not good for much to you or anyone else. Run into mature believers in any faith path and it is the peace, the love, the quiet and patience which marks them. Not their ranks or place in life here, but the place they hold as they walk with a quiet peace through the mean streets. 

That is where you can spot god/dess.

I write to serve.

Not A Rockstar

Belief: Finding Your Own Path 4

There are other questions to answer for yourself in this quest. I am looking over my notes and really, it comes to me that the process of answering these things is a part of your path work in itself. On one hand, most you can answer quickly enough, but, these things change over time, with experience. That can cause shifts for you in your own inner realities. I was born in 1959, I was one of those hippies in the 70s. You know, the groovy, peace, soul mate believing crowd in bell bottoms and long hair. I still have the long hair and a lot of the ideals but, I am a retired cop and ex-military and lean conservative in a lot of things. As I age I am finding that my lean is more liberal in some things more than it was as I learn more and see how the world is going. These days I am awfully middle of the road in my views politically, if you average it out.

Still, let's cover these other questions I have in my notes before we amble onward. As mentioned above, your political views may affect your spiritual views also. They both stem from your value system, so this makes sense. Very generally, conservatives are more at ease with rituals and rules and traditional answers. Very generally, liberals are more at ease with love and inclusiveness, and few rules and restrictions when it comes to their spirituality. Mind you, there are exceptions. I was once in a private association for Pagan Emergency Services people, and they were really conservative in a lot of their value systems more than the average Pagan out there. 

What practices feel good to you already? Do you meditate? Do you feel happier being a vegetarian? How do you view the paranormal? I mean, do you think we survive death? Can our deceased loved ones make contact, or not? Do you think there may be something like angels or demons out there? Do you think reality is dualist, as in black versus white, good versus bad, or do you think it is less that and more of a number line sort of reality, where nothing is really all good or all bad but somewhere in between?

Does ritual and beautiful things in a service and ceremony touch you deeply or do you feel impatient with that sort of thing? How much do you value your family and friends? How much of a force are they on your choices for a faith structure? Some things they might disapprove of. How much of a factor is that for you?

What do you think "God" is? Male? Female? A sort of group spiritual conglomerate? A touch of the Divine within you? Or just a state we can reach if we somehow excel enough in life to reach it?

Is there a Creator? Was the world made literally or was it simply guided along natural processes in epochs instead of literal 24 hour days? Or did it just happen on its own by chance?

Do we survive death in some way? What happens then? Do we face a form of judgment? Do we reincarnate somehow? Is there something like a heaven or a hell out there somewhere? What do you think is true?

The answers you think are true are each of them a filter through which we see and interpret the world around us. Filters will govern what you accept as truth.

If you think about that, it should make you wonder if you will even see truth if some of your filters are wrong. It is a very good question to wonder that. It is an honest one which acknowledges maybe you do not know it all already. If you did, what point is there to even be looking to find your path? No need for one, you already know and are just marking time now till the end.

The only answer I know to this issue is one based on my certainty that someone is out there. If you have read my post "Why I Believe" you will know what I am talking about. Every word of that story is truth. I can still feel that hand on my chest shoving me impossibly to safety. I can still hear the voice. It happened. You do not have to believe me, but, consider this. You have nothing to lose to assume I am telling the truth long enough to ask out loud to your spirits, God, Goddess, Group Deity, whatever to open your eyes and help you to see truth. Ask to be shown what is true and real about God. State clearly that you give permission to be taught, to be shown what is true about God. State clearly "I want to know you."

If nothing is there and I am full of it, nothing is going to happen anyway.

If I am not full of it, you might start a very interesting period in life all your own, which is your very own to believe and discover. In my experience, God is perfectly able to communicate with you right where you are, as you are. He, or She can work with any religion to touch your life and become real. 

That is the journey, that is the path work, nobody can give it to you, you have to ask sincerely and seek it out. You have to be willing to find out your friends were wrong, or right, you have to be willing to find out you were wrong, or right, and change to keep on down that road. 

I think I will write one more post on this to wrap it up and talk a bit about different religious structures out there in the West these days. Just a few and very generally. I wish you well and if you take up the challenge, I pray with all my soul you find what you are looking for.

Not A Rockstar

Belief: Finding Your Own Path 3

"But, I want the right religion, Not A Rockstar. I want the true one."

The answer to that question depends on who you ask. Back when I wrestled with this question, haunted by my Grand parents' Pentecostal Fundamentalism, there was a couple things I knew at that point. First and foremost, I really loved God and Jesus. That was not in question. Two, I doubted everything else, especially religions, and in the end, imagining myself answering to God face to face for the decisions I made in life, I did not want to have to say I believed this or did that because Mr X or Miss Y told me it was right. I wanted to have to say I searched, and I tried and I tested and did what I believed was right, and followed where I believed I sensed Your Love. 

I would urge you to do the same if you have doubts about where you stand in your views about God or Goddess and the whole soul question. That is the real point of this whole little series about finding your own path. I hope I make you wonder a few things, find out a few things you believe and help you to see the point of having faith at all for some. On a lot of issues I have a generally Christian viewpoint, because that was where I began in this lifetime. I deviate from it due to a few things, but the one major point which applies here are a couple verses I feel are crucial.

Let me digress with one of the parables in the Bible which has a deeper impact than most on me. In Matthew 25:14-30. I used the Weymouth New testament for this. One of the names given to it is the Parable of the Talents, (or Ten Coins). I will copy it below, and then bold what makes it so meaningful to me. It is not long, bear with me.

"14"Why, it is like a man who, when going on his travels, called his bondservants and entrusted his property to their care. 15To one he gave five talents, to another two, to another one—to each according to his individual capacity; and then started from home. 16Without delay the one who had received the five talents went and employed them in business, and gained five more. 17In the same way he who had the two gained two more. 18But the man who had received the one went and dug a hole and buried his master's money.

19"After a long lapse of time the master of those servants returned, and had a reckoning with them. 20The one who had received the five talents came and brought five more, and said, "'Sir, it was five talents that you entrusted to me: see, I have gained five more.' 21"'You have done well, good and trustworthy servant,' replied his master; 'you have been trustworthy in the management of a little, I will put you in charge of much: share your master's joy.'

22"The second, who had received the two talents, came and said, "'Sir, it was two talents you entrusted to me: see, I have gained two more.' 23"'Good and trustworthy servant, you have done well,' his master replied; 'you have been trustworthy in the management of a little, I will put you in charge of much: share your master's joy.'

24"But, next, the man who had the one talent in his keeping came and said, "'Sir, I knew you to be a severe man, reaping where you had not sown and garnering what you had not winnowed. 25So being afraid I went and buried your talent in the ground: there you have what belongs to you.'

26"'You wicked and slothful servant,' replied his master, 'did you know that I reap where I have not sown, and garner what I have not winnowed? 27Your duty then was to deposit my money in some bank, and so when I came I should have got back my property with interest. 28So take away the talent from him, and give it to the man who has the ten.'

29 30But as for this worthless servant, put him out into the darkness outside: *there* will be the weeping and the gnashing of teeth.'"

This was always held up to me to teach me about how we have to do works, do things to earn our reward in Heaven and similar rhetoric. But, what always stuck out to me in it was that the first two trusted their Master and did what they could or knew to do, they did the best they could, reported in without fear and were rewarded. The third one believed that his Master was a severe taskmaster, a harsh and mean thing, deserving of fear, and in fear, he merely saved what he was given and gave it back intact and said that as his reason. The Master he got was exactly what he expected. He got harshness, he got severe and he got his talent taken back and thrown out as unworthy. 

"I knew you to be severe." I do not know God to be severe. I know infinite, overwhelming love in Him. I have always struggled with this notion that if we do not clue into some obscure truths and do the right things or join the right religion or church or group we will be cast out into a lake of fire or outer darkness or something else terribly unpleasant. This from a Father I love deeply, seek with all I have and cherish what I do know of Him. We are too prone to humanize divinity, but here that isn't even a player. My human Dad would never ever treat me this way, so how much less would a Divine father be so hateful? I honestly, with all my heart and soul, believe that if you love your Creator the best you understand it to be, do as right as you know for that Power, seek to be the best life you can be given your life to live out (your talent) and return to Creator when you pass on in confidence that you are loved and Creator is to be trusted, you will find all that you know Him or Her to be. 

To me, then, life is about learning and sorting out this issue of who do you know God/dess to be? For some, the answer is nothing at all. For others, it is Allah, or Buddha's Path, or one of many Pagan deities. I am confident that the One God out there will reach out to anyone who is really looking for Truth and will work with them using their own paradigms and understandings to show them the way Home. As for those who reject this whole notion as ridiculous and believe there is no God at all and may even believe we end at death and this is all there is, I have nothing to say. We have free will. That is our one certain right when it comes to this sort of thing. It is not for me to even try to change your mind. That is your position, and your right. I feel no calling to change anyone's mind out there. That is not my job. It is your job to decide that sort of thing for yourself.

This aspect of the search is really significant for people. If you believe in an omnipotent deity who is to blame for everything that goes wrong in our world, you will see it very differently than I do. That will effect your own choices. The world as it is is ready and willing to convince you that God/dess is severe, because cancer, because baby died, because Trump, because bankruptcy. Like in the tale of Job, after he lost everything, his wife told him to curse God and die. She was bitter, she saw things only with her eyes and pain.

If you think God/dess is about life and love, then it forces you to look at bad times and understand them from a different position. I blame most things on our own free will and greed and self indulgence. Just try to tell people that we need to change, we need to be better, we need to seek out and rise to our better values and if we struggle with this effort, we need to reach out to our spiritual side for help in changing, and you run into the arrogance that excuses all of our worst aspects and turns around and rants about how there can be no God because a real and good one would just come in and clean house. In other words, it is not our own fault and there is nothing we can do. Do you agree? Or does something inside you say, no, hell no, we are capable of better than this mess! I can do better, I can BE better, I can have a longer fuse on my temper, I can be kinder, I can overcome this issue in my life. I am better than this. 

We are the only "animal" here who even considers this sort of thing, who has the capacity to wonder if there is a God somewhere, or if we live past death. To me, the capacity reveals the ability and the need, the option, the potential.  This is why I even bothered to search and seek and find what I could out here in life. This is why I am writing this at all.

Not A Rockstar

Belief: Finding Your Own Path 2

By now, you have your listing of truths you believe are always true. It may be real long, or it might only have one or two things on it. 

This needs to be your first yardstick, or ruler, to evaluate other ideas of religions for yourself. Let us say that you have three items on your list: you wrote down:

       1. There is a God/dess

       2. Abusing animals is wrong

       3. Dancing makes me happy.

This is your list and you decide that African Religions seem interesting so you go to a few services open to the public and it seems really great. The people into it seem happy and really tight with each other, there is a lot of dancing and singing and these spirits come sometimes and talk to people there and you have never seen anything like that before! So, you get into it, start going to meetings and hanging out with the Elders and Initiates to learn and eventually go to your baptism and later to a Sevis Tet to join their hounfor (group or temple) and as such are able to start learning more about the inner workings of the religion. In Vodou, and really all of the African Traditional Religions (ATRs) you have to hold the rank before you are taught what that rank knows. Sort of like the ultimate non-disclosure agreement (I am smiling as I type that).  

You can get pretty far along the road into the religion before you run into things that get done by the top ranks to maintain the spiritual power of the hounfor which might conflict with your list you had a long while back. Perhaps, one day you ask a Mambo to help you with a problem and are trusted enough to have sat in while she did a work for your issue and you saw her kill a chicken as a sacrifice to the spirit being asked to fix this problem for you. 

One of two things is going to happen here for you and your belief track. Perhaps killing animals for food is something you are alright with. It can shock modern folks used to getting their meat in plastic wrap at the store to see it, but, this is where it comes from. In places like Haiti where power is hard to come by there is not refrigeration readily had. If you butcher a chicken for food, you cook it all up and you have enough people over to eat all of it right then. If you are as poor as most Haitians are, it is natural they take the animals and dedicate it to this or that spirit they work with and "sacrifice" it to it, then cook the meal up sort of in the honor of that spirit and eat it. Not how most Western religions see this, but there is a logic to it once viewed in cultural place as it is for the practitioner, not our view as we sip our latte and take pride in our degrees on the wall. It is the same concept as praying a blessing over a meal and thanking God for our food. 

But, this chicken is killed for your "work", and it is left there to "feed" that spirit who is going to help your problem.

By this point, you will have shifted in your views about abuse of animals and see that it was a swift death and so not abuse and if it helps your problem then it is alright, then. You need this help.

Or, you will be shocked, and dismayed to realize this is the fuel under a great deal of the "work" done in most ATRs - blood and life energy being fed to spirits in trade for work done. It may so upset you that you leave the religion and feel lost for a while until you find new direction. Or, you might stay because you love the people and question your feelings and so finally subsume them to what the others all seem fine with. 

This is the process that we all go through as we search for our "place" in life. We discover the real depth of some issues for us and what is more important to us and how we see the world around us. Some start out in the religion their parents taught them and never leave it, subsuming their ideas to comply with the religion as a natural authority and only right that they should do this. Others do a lot of searching out there and changing and end up back close to where they began but with a depth of understanding they would not have had otherwise. Still others find themselves in a different place entirely ideologically, and some even find that religion as a whole is useless for them as they do not have a belief in a god at all. 

This is what many religions refer to as your Journey. I ran into this word used this way once while watching a Catholic show with my Mother, who is Catholic herself. I liked it as it is accurate about the process of searching, and the road taken is as varied as there are people out there. Yours is unique to you also, so do not get locked into this idea that if you are confused at some point the answer someone else found is true for you also. It can be, but that choice is yours alone. This Journey is the learning route a Seeker goes through to learn more about themselves, and how to reach into and understand and connect with their own spirituality or higher self or inner knowing, or truth, depending how you see it. As long as you see it as a process, you won't suffer so many shocks along the way when you run into a road block or deal breaker and throw up your hands and just say it is all bunk so a lie. You will sit back and say, ok, this was not right, for me, so what next, God/dess if you are really out there?

That first list you made can mutate, be added to or some items removed as you later see them as errors. Relax, this is your adventure, and can last your entire life. Just understand that we all have lists and the question of faith or a Deity out there varies in importance to others. Our lists are not the same. We all have to learn to let that be alright, we all deserve our own search, as long as it is not hurting others in the process. 

Oh, the issue of sacrificing animals for "work"? You are still reading and wondering about that and thinking "How in the heck was a nice seeming person like Not A Rockstar a high priest in a religion that does that?"

Pretty simple, actually. An asogwe rules his or her own House. We do not have a Pope as such. To us one's spirits guide a Clergy at that point. I never have sacrificed anything alive. Alcohol, something pretty, a few choice cigars and working shamanically to find alternative ways to accomplish what I needed to end with. They all screamed at me that my spirits would be weak, I would fall fast, it cannot work that way, but then the House Wars came and I was dealing with the fallout from that plus the rejection and active attacks from my own Elders for my renegade views and how I was "defaming" the true religion. All I know today, over fifteen years later, is that I am still here and doing just fine. The rest of those folks are dead. Dead. I had nothing to do with that, though tragically there are many folks out there who believe I did it all and took them out successfully in the "Wars". Some are even afraid to talk with me, believe it or not. But, I can tell you this is simply hogwash. I did protect myself but I sent utterly nothing against anyone involved in that mess. The rejection on that extreme a level and betrayal gutted my heart but did not at all force me to do anything back for it. I believe they did themselves in, frankly. It was not me, it was their own shadows that ultimately ate them from not being dealt with, only indulged. 

At the end of the day, this is true for us all. You create your reality with the filters you put on, and sink or swim by this process. Your list items are some of those filters. 

Consider these things and your list and in a day or two I will have more questions for you. I plan that post and then a general post about what religion really is to us and ways it can help and hurt. I may add a final post based on questions I am getting on facebook about this sort of thing.

I write to serve.

Not A Rockstar

Belief: Finding Your Own Path

Was going through some old emails sent me from back when I ran a Vodou and shamanistic website and forum of my own and it asks a terribly vital question. In it the person told me he was struggling to find his "path", did not know what religion was right, wanted to find where he fit in, where his path was. My service when I was actively in Vodou was interesting and quite varied. I got a lot of questions, especially from younger people or other adults in service as clergy themselves - both very under-served groups out there. I think many of those who wrote to me at first were expecting that a Vodou priest was going to advocate for Vodou as a religion, but, I rarely found that to be the right answer for most. I always felt my calling was to help people, and that could not mean a set of canned answers as much as people differ. I have one godson whom I dearly love and actually did take through baptism but refused to give him Sevis tet - the first ritualized step into the Vodou religion. I did not feel he was ready, did not feel it fit from my own lwa, there was another way for him to go and it proved true. Today he is a Buddhist priest in Indonesia and very happy. I feel I did my calling right. I helped him find his way into where he was wanting to go for his own needs. When you serve, it is about the person you serve, not your ego or your own road. Niral trusted me, I always want him able to do that. I did not take advantage of his trust that I really did mean him well. I approached all my god children this way. They are all in different places today. I ended up taking none of them to Haiti to make him or her into my own kind. A few went later with others, and right or wrong it is not on me their own choices. I honored the trust and responsibility placed on me the best I could. 

I say all this to tell you I am offering you the same. After a lot of prayer, meditation and inner searching, I decided to start a new mini-series here in my blog about beliefs and how to find yourself and where you fit in somewhat into the big scheme of things. 

It seems really confusing when you look over the great soup pot of ideas and beliefs out there these days. But, the key to finding a closer and better fit is getting to know where you are now, and who you are and what you honestly think and why. With this in mind, I am going to open this first post on the topic by asking questions. As you answer them for yourself, keep in mind most questions about matters of faith are a number line more than they are a solid "yes" or "no". 1 meaning not much, and 9 meaning a whole lot, for example.

1. For you, are there any definite truths or laws you see as being true, right now? For example, do you think it is wrong to kill someone who is not attacking you or someone violently? How about theft? Do you think it is always wrong to take money or valuables from a person without their willingness to let you have it? Perhaps, to you, it is always wrong to abuse animals, or children. Spend some time with yourself and think about these things and your own present values and personal codes and take the time to list them out. You can even do two sections with the ones that are always wrong to you in one section and the ones that are usually wrong or you aren't sure always are wrong or right in the second category. 

Whether you realize it or not, you are already on a path, which is the culmination of your actions, thoughts and choices up until now. Where you stand today is the sum total of many factors, which include the values and truths you accept for yourself, how you were raised and the religion or lack of one you grew up knowing as the normal thing to think. Even your politics can help indicate the specific faith or religion you might find an easier place to be at right now. Was your ethnicity a big factor growing up? Were you raised a Jew, or was your family Scottish and you were raised Pagan, or perhaps you are Irish and Catholic or Protestant?

You also should realize that what fits you fine today or a decade ago, may not always be the right fit. Sometimes this sense of being wrong can be easily righted by a deepening of your original basic faith. Sometimes, another one will have teachings that can reach you better now and enhance your effort to find your own right spot today.

I will leave you a day or two to work with this and make your list of things that feel true to you today. We will go on to more questions then.

Be well.

I write to serve.

Not A Rockstar

Chyna, Final Chapter

I told you the story of Chyna, my dog, in two earlier posts, one titled "Chyna" and the other one "Creator Gene" or something like that. 

Essentially, it ended with me telling my daughter about a claim made by Kryon that dogs that we especially love do come back to us if we watch for them and look for them to do so. She has spent a lot of time eagerly playing with the litter of puppies we had, trying to decide if she thinks it is true or if Chyna has come back to us in this litter. I got some criticism for dealing with her grief and questions this way, but, I figure it is like my first sergeant told me when I became a cop - if you never get any complaints, you aren't doing your job right.

The other night we were sitting outside together watching the dogs play and the night coming in and she mentioned out of the blue that she was not sure which one was Chyna of the puppies. I chuckled inside but stayed serious. She was being serious, after all.

"It is possible it isn't true, hon, or maybe someone else needed Chyna more than we do."

She shook her head and told me she thought Chyna was back just that several of the puppies had quirks she'd had.

"Dad, you said there was something sort of like a dog energy soup, that Kryon said that, anyway. Do you think it mixes up sort of and maybe lots of dogs born will have parts of her ways in them? Maybe all puppies come with a mix of good dogs in them."

That sounded like it was moving on a good track to me.

"Could be. I mean even if she totally did come back she would not remember the dog she used to be, so things she learned playing and being taught here would all be new to her. We won't see that in a puppy. I think we should just love these dog kids and take them as they are, to be honest with you. I just like to believe she is out there somewhere and happy. It is not as if we will ever know for sure here, anyway, so it is alright to believe they are happy somewhere. It beats being a dark minded person who would insist that is just stupid to think. Those folks do not know either, after all. It is a choice, to believe and hope for a positive truth, over just hopeless darkness, when nobody really knows for sure here, I think."

"Yeah," she agreed thoughtfully, watching two of the scamps playing tug of war with a rag they'd found somewhere. "In any case, dogs are wonderful little beings and these are awfully special puppies. This has been a special litter. They are all especially fun in different ways."

It has been that. We lost one, who simply was dead one morning for no reason we know, but the other six are loving, passionate romps of real personality and good humor. Six true characters coming along well towards being wonderful dogs in the end.

"It is as if we got blessed with a bit of the best from all the dogs we ever had in this bunch, so I am ok with how it has turned out," I decided to say. While I like to encourage her to dream and enjoy ideas, I do like it best when she comes to a more grounded conclusion for herself, as positive as is possible. "It doesn't hurt that we love them and any puppy will do well being loved a lot."

"You especially like Nosey," she observed, and I smiled then.

"Yeah, I do especially like Nosey," I agreed.

She smiled, then.

"Then, it is sort of like the hole in your heart from losing Chyna has something new in it now. I don't feel so bad as I did over what happened now."

"That is good, because I sure do not blame you or Mom for what happened to her and do not want you two to feel bad about it. Things happen. That was a bad time with my own dad dying, and so everything that hurt then just hurt a bit more is all. We have to let that heal and let it go, princess. I want you to let it go and let it be alright. Learn from it and let it go, because I have."

She nodded, then came to me and hugged me and I felt a tear against my throat but she seemed at peace finally about her perceived guilt over letting my dog out, which led to its death, when she drew back from our hug.

"I love you, Dad."

"I love you, too."

She smiled. "I know you do, Daddy."

I watched her walk out then to start grouping the puppies up to come back inside with her as it was now almost full dark and felt pretty good finally about it all, too. If Chyna had the capacity to understand all of this she'd never have wanted so much guilt and pain over her passing. Dogs love unconditionally. People...we try to.

Nosey, as usual, did not obey but came to me and flopped panting at my feet and got his ears rubbed for the trouble. 

Not A Rockstar

Kundalini Rising: One Month

Energy is a real thing, however you wish to categorize it. I used to clear buildings when I was a cop and found one broken into using it. I could walk through it with senses alert and sense if anyone else at all was in there with me. This was never something I could explain or put a name to. Other cops I knew could do it to a degree. Trying to do this with another cop in there with me would mess it up. It worked best when alone inside, for me. It was just something I could do. I cannot say I ever considered it paranormal or anything, though I knew most folks couldn't do it. If you asked me then why, I would say mostly because they did not bother to hone it, maybe did not have the need for it. Retired now for some years, I have no idea if I still could do it as well as I used to, but, it was real.

In the so-called New Age world of channels and energy work and Eastern ideals coming to the West decades ago and so becoming more main stream now, Kundalini has a place. Until a month ago, I paid that place no attention. I do meditate, have done it for decades off and on and got back into it regularly in the end and it is now habitual when I have down time, to relax and meditate for at least a few minutes several times a day. But, I never knew something could happen to me beyond more clarity and calm and peace within. To be honest, even when it happened and kundalini rose for me and started this part of my journey a month ago now, I read some about it, and had to deal with it, but, I think I figured it would go away. I have a general admiration for Creator, and a deep desire to be more like that sort of Being would be - more loving, less judgmental, more positive, less bad tempered and prone to complaining and fear. In this sense I am into what I term "transformative spirituality" - beliefs and practices which result in real positive change of myself versus lip service and rote. I guess you could say in a vague way, my goal is to be more like God, as I perceive Creator to be.

Kundalini is about acknowledging that we are god and this energy is how we can be transformed and brought into cohesion with our higher self and rejoin it and the higher self is a part of Creator, literally, one with God.

This idea has been one I struggle with a bit. Why in the hell would something like this come to someone who doesn't pursue it or even know about it? I told it this early on, and it abides, so I have to believe that kundalini is not an Eastern concept after all. It is universal, it is available to us all, and is not locked into religion. There are even atheists out there who work with it, deal with it rising, though I do wonder how they get on after a point. I mean, how do you be and become something you insist does not exist? They have to answer that at some point, I guess. The energy itself, seems alright with this sort of contradiction. It cares only so much. If you are luckier, the experience begins with the natural flow of life energy (Prana) that provokes the growth, the letting go, the healing - all of which prepares the person for Kundalini. Using the fewest fancy terms, this is basically our life energy rising up and fusing with the Divine Consciousness, which triggers change in the person experiencing it. In slower unfoldings, the prana has time to prepare the person for when the kundalini fully comes in. Kundalini is otherwise traumatizing to the unprepared as too much emotional goo (baggage) is released from the being in too short a time.

I have been taking the slow road, learning as I go. She can be deceptively quiet and still get her work done. She sneaks up on you and works as fast as she can and you are ready. I have had to deal with a lot of family issues, challenges to my own beliefs and subtle changes to how I see things and how I react to them as well. When you are always aware of her there, within you, it makes it easier to remember, to pause and choose a kinder word. I didn't realize how often we just move through our days and do not actually form intentions when we do things. I form things and do thing intentionally more now, I am aware of what I do and say more than I was, I see others more clearly than I did. 

Minor things, but if this is just the beginning, I can foresee some genuinely new lands to discover ahead on the journey. In a way this is really exciting, but, let me tell you, it is also hard work. I think there is as much to unlearn as there is to learn. There is nowhere to hide, anymore.

I had said in earlier posts about this experience that I did not think I would write more about it, it is way too personal. But, I have realized that this is coming for more people, due to other shifts out there, and like me, those folks are not going to be the usual sorts who do yoga daily and are Vegan. So, despite my preference to not talk about it, I am consenting to stay out here to a degree to be found if someone needs someone to ask about it. Once I did that I started getting topics I needed to write about for that purpose, so will be releasing those over time. Some of you have been reaching out to me on facebook, but I am going to keep it here, until I resurrect a website again, I think. 

Be well, your questions are welcome.

I write to serve.

Not A Rockstar

Anneliese Michel, Crushed Rose

Demon possession is a controversial topic hotly denied and debated by many, and believed in by others. Facts can be hard to find in cases, either hidden behind the confidentiality of the Catholic Church, or buried and obscured under the hype and entertainment motivations of Hollywood. In looking for a case or two to use as examples, this nearly supernatural mountain of disinformation burying the facts is what you run into if you want the facts. In many cases, the case is old, such as the Lu7kins case, which happened back in 1778 and so must rely on witness statements to tell the tale, and thus is more easily denied by those who disbelieve in demons. Others, like the Mannheim case are forgotten or not even known about due to a Hollywood version of the events being sold as a movie for entertainment, which was The Exorcist. In any research you might do into exorcisms, be warned that most photos you will ever find are from movies and actors, not authentic

One case which is recent enough as to have some actual footage from the real person and her exorcism and some facts discovered from the trial which resulted, is the terribly sad case of Anna Elizabeth "Anneliese" Michel. Anna was a German girl who was born in 1952 and suffered epilepsy from an early age. Anyone who has studied this disease knows that it was very misunderstood and until recent years was difficult to treat effectively. Certainly one can sympathize with how alarming it can be to witness a seizure and the confusion of a victim as they come out of it. These seem violent, certainly they break your heart and drive family to try to find any answers possible to cure their loved one. It used to be it was seen as a mental problem and was often relegated to mental institutions back then, and psychiatric treatments which we now know would not have done much but aggravate the sense of being wrong and "sick" or "crazy" in a victim of it. Treatments that may have been done, such as shock therapy could aggravate the underlying physical condition and worsen it. 

Concern can also give way to shame or an inability to care for someone with more extreme forms of this disease, and someone could easily land in an institution and end up being there for abusive or experimental efforts that would further traumatize a person. This is the life Anna had. She was diagnosed with epileptic psychosis, and at just 16 she had a gran mal seizure and was diagnosed with temporal lobe epilepsy. What care she had gotten was not helping her condition a bit. She was becoming worse.

The facts of her case have been sensationalized by the movie "The Exorcism of Emily Rose", but due to the court case we can find the bare facts under it enough to see what actually happened to her. Her family and upbringing was devoutly Catholic, she had three sisters who did not have epilepsy, and perhaps in her fears and desire for freedom from her illness, she turned to her religion deeply for her consolation and answers as none were evident elsewhere. 

Stories about her from those who knew her were that she was a sweet young woman, who prayed a great deal, did rosaries several times a day, and her devotion was such that towards the end she was obsessed with this, to the extreme that her knee joints became damaged from her praying and getting up and down so many times over and over. This obsessiveness and self harming escalated and for our purposes we could say that this is the stage where she was suffering more deeply than ever before and the "demonic" seeming qualities became more pronounced in that obsessive self harm through prayer and religiosity. This is an actual mental issue diagnosed today in a few who have gone over the edge in reason about matters of faith.

It seems that she became convinced she was demon possessed, or was possibly persuaded that she was. She requested exorcism of the Church and was turned down. The Church said her issues were medical and perhaps also psychological. Not a case of demon possession. But, on their own, with the support of Anna and her family, two priests undertook to do this exorcism by themselves.

The damage done, the sheer horror of this effort deserves the few books out there about the case, but, not for entertainment value. Exorcism itself is not a ritual devised to cause harm to the sufferer. When done by experts well trained in it and prepared, there is rarely any injury and nearly always successful banishment of the entities believed to be causing the problems. But, a casual google for "death by exorcism" will show you pages of returns of how this can go very badly when attempted by the ignorant or arrogant.

She died in 1976 after a year of periodic exorcisms being attempted. The details should break any reasonably sane person's heart. The cause of death was not so much what anyone did, but what they failed to do for this 23 year old victim. Malnutrition, emaciation and dehydration. Medicine for her epilepsy had been stopped this final year as well. Her reality became uncontrolled epilepsy, psychosis and probably schizophrenia as well. Her parents were charged with negligent homicide in her death as a result.

In my opinion, what killed Anna was that her family was tired of the issues and got negligent, and two priests were involved for their own beliefs despite their own authorities saying no to any such thing. 

Did she have demons after all? In a sense I believe she did, created through her own distress and pain, the known distress of her family and their disapproval and her sense of being wrong somehow, enflamed by the taught ideas that God can heal anything and all it takes is enough faith. Three of the demons she claimed she had were Nero, Judas and Hitler. Not demons as such at all, but evil names she knew well from her upbringing.

Her case is real and the uncaring of others continues. Check any of the videos on youtube about her and the mockery goes on. People prefer to not believe and so fail to see the person she was, who suffered and who died needlessly and cruelly. They do not believe and so mock the victim and make jokes about her horrifying final year and descent into real madness and terror. Many of these people consider themselves to be very rational and good sorts, and cannot see the deeper horror in what they do with the mockery. 

Any rational person should see the cruelty in cases such as this and desire to be sure it cannot happen again through ignorance. Anna needed help, and perhaps there was not enough medical knowledge in her day yet, but, she should never have had to know this degree of brutal indifference.

Peace to you, dear Anna. Peace and real love.


Not A Rockstar

Where I am Now

People get confused starting out. This was brought home to me when I got a message on Facebook from someone here asking me if I really still did all the things I write about, and how can anyone try to do all that at once? It seems a good time to repeat that life is a journey, and if Spiritual pursuit is part of your life then that is also one.

I write this blog to get some basic information out there for people, and when I write I draw from my own experiences. At 59 so far, I have a few I can talk about. The person I am today is a natural shaman, with a lifelong passion in seeking Truth/God, who is presently dealing with the spontaneous awakening of kundalini into his meditative world. Things I have studied or done in the past are part of my knowledge base now. I do not actively practice as a priest in Vodou anymore. Things like numerology and palmistry and such were things I studied and naturally still know about but I don't do these things, never did read palms, for example, as my study into that determined it seemed to be empty. Other than the fact I remain alive, so presumably my life line has not run out yet, nothing else my palms supposedly say about me or my life is true. Numerology I never "did", though I did study it more than some things, very curious about it and connections it has to the Kabbalah and many other things in the Occult. It is something I note when I run across it, not something I do, if that makes sense. 

Do not limit yourself thinking "I am going to become a witch" and then go do that to the exclusion of all else or imagine you may be that for your whole life. If you really are a Seeker, it never ends. You seek, you find, things you understand change, you grow, sometimes, you bleed and back away and head another way. Your understanding of things will deepen, you will see what once were "other" ways are not as different as you supposed the further you go. You might well be a witch after all, but your understanding of what that is will change beyond all measure if you are active and working and seeking.

I meditate for short periods several times a day. I have a few inactive altars here from Vodou. I have hundreds of books. I teach some minor things to a few people that I feel I should and do not teach the rest directly. Once in a while I go to Mass with my Mother as it means a lot to her and I do not mind visiting God there or anywhere. That is my religion nowadays. What you DO is not the same thing as what you ARE. I remain all that I used to be but it is in transition always, sort of like our bodies are constantly replacing cells. 

This blog is to write things I am asked for or to toss out information someone curious may like to know about later. The occult and the search has been my obsession this lifetime, so I have covered a lot of ground, but, I never have let grass grow under my feet. If it was not true, or not right for me, I was moving along. I am on a mission, a personal one to find God, to learn the truth, and this is very personal, it can be unique to us all, isn't something to teach as such, but, it can be shared to a degree. Most of what I write is just data, things learned, to help someone else as they hike onward, too. 

I write to serve.

Not A Rockstar

Kundalini Rising: Week 2

Kundalini energy comes in two valences, sometimes described as masculine and feminine, though this is not really accurate except in a vague, sort of esoteric sense. In the early stages it is basically Fire and Ice. I am told that with balance and experience that sense of temperature fades off. It has been a couple weeks of a great deal of research and making a few competent contacts willing to talk with me and point me in the right directions to find my answers while I learn better how to simply know those from within myself through this energy.

It is literally fire and ice for some. Shivering chills as the feminine form of it works to prepare the body to better handle the masculine fire when it comes through more harshly. It is the fire that blows minds and lands people in mental health units from all I have read. This is why it is very strongly advised for people not to try to cause it to awaken. They end up rousing that fire and are not prepared, and cannot handle it. This is not a cool thing to try for a while and then move on to something else. It is forever and sets you on a course you may never have planned for or even wanted for yourself. It is real, it is the ultimate passionate dispassion, it isolates you as you increasingly find yourself out of step with this world and the things you used to like doing. It takes constant mindfulness to monitor yourself, to intentionally make yourself do that which you do not wish to bother with anymore when you know you should bother. I was reading a post today from someone who was dealing with this, speaking candidly with fellow awakened people for advice, about how he no longer could bear doing things which did not work to enhance his spiritual quest and desire for more. He has lost friends, his family thinks he is losing his mind, he no longer cares about college or a job or watching TV or anything but meditation and the bliss he now knows well, and yet, he struggles and reaches back to the person he remembers being and doesn't know what to do to be right. You cannot turn it off. This is not on only one day a week. It does not go away when you get up from meditation or wake up from a cool dream in the morning. 

I felt for him, I already have seen the potentials in this "gifting". He dived in eagerly when it came on and pursued it aggressively and in a matter of months posted this today. My sympathy is with his quandary, not his inevitable achievements. You cannot go back. You cannot un-ring a bell or un-say a word. His struggle is due to this being the first time he really has become aware of being different, and apart and not fully into the Matrix anymore. 

I have been accustomed to being seen as the odd one for my own experiences, until I learned to go silent about them, and now, I am on the other end of it all and no longer silent at all nor concerned with fitting in or making everyone happy. My goal now is to get some few things I have learned out there to help someone else later, who comes across what I post and relates to what I am really saying under it all. I don't own a TV, though the lady and daughter have one apart from me. I am not interested in it and other than casually looking over the news online for things like the volcano in Hawaii these days or the Royal wedding of Meghan and Harry, it bores me rapidly. So, I am already ahead of some in this way and well aware how the more you know about Spirit, the less you care about transitory matters.

The fire has come in for me now, and they say that is what changes you, the ice is what prepares you for that to flow more easily to do what it does in transforming the person connected with it and to God through it. I feel it as very warm but not fire, I am not being burned within or feeling as if my mentality is any less acute and steady than it usually is, so the balance seems to be alright for now. But, I am very aware of what I should be doing here, and I make myself do those things. My elderly Mother needs care and she is deeply into her Catholicism and wants to talk about that, has no idea about this thing I am going through. Like it or not, I go and see to her and get her to her appointments and teach myself to be still inside and not resent or be impatient. For Mom, this is everything, I am all she has now Dad is dead, and to her this is life. What good is a connection to "god" if it cannot relate to that and to need in others and bringing itself into such actual loneliness as she begins to perceive that Death is not as far ahead of her as it has always been before. My daughter needs me, my wife also does. These do not go away and in my view of it all, these things should not go away and are not secondary to the call of the Kundalini on me now. The God I know understands this. I would do Him a gross disservice if I allowed anyone close to me to ever feel He caused them to somehow lose me and my love. God relates and so I must work harder to relate even better than I used to do and not allow that to falter at all. 

So, what is it all about "Rockstar"? Is it God, which connects into someone with this awakened and flowing? 

It is your own Higher Self, I think, and that is a genuine part of God. In this sense we are God, each of us, and God is not something alien or apart except in our own minds as we struggle to conceive of what God is and as is our wont, to put skin and halo and whatever props we think God should have on it. We have created this being over there somewhere we worship and make up rules for and blame for things and pray to and that isn't God. I have come to realize this. God is in us, and it is as active as we wake up and take responsibility for this world as the children of the Divine that we are. 

Do I still pray to God? Sometimes. It is hard to change instantly despite the realizations I have been through these past few days. I still see God the Whole as something far vaster and a bit apart from me, who is God the Little Bit, but, we are One. I still love God the Whole tremendously, it remains my passion, but, this has not transferred to myself, though I am working on getting my self-valuation correct. There is a need to love yourself to a real point to grow and evolve, but it does not have to be this ego trap so many fall into. You know, those who do not speak in love but talk down to you in arrogance no matter what other wisdom is in their literal words, and they really think they speak in love. I run into them in a lot of places, including the Kundalini community. We are all yet children, learning. But, I also run into some amazingly wise and truly good folks there as well. 

Personally, I am back to sleeping more normally now the fire has come in more and I am more in balance. I wake up remembering no dreams but as if I am in the middle of a conversation I do not recall but know new things and understandings. I am always aware of being deeply loved, and this is always on my mind. It tempers what I do and what I say in a way I have never dealt with before. I am conscious of everything I do and if I lose my temper it is instantly in my face and I back off and make it right and get back to calm again. I am getting better at catching it before it gets away from me, which would impress you if you knew what an expressive sort I am under it all. There is so much love, just so much, that really temper is a weak thing and fading away these days. I will be glad to see it die and fall away. 

I feel I should add here that some out there who are awakened and dealing with all of this do not have a clear god concept. Some do not work with one at all, just their higher self. Some use Allah, some use various Pagan deities. It is all the same in the end. There is only one God and we are all part of that truth, and it is going to be alright with us. It is going to be alright.

I love you.

I write to serve.

Not A Rockstar

Why I Believe

Day shift always was the worst for me, I am a night owl, I like night shift work. As if the 6am to 6pm shift was not bad enough, having to be on the road in the squad car by 4:30 to be there on time just seemed like insult to injury. Having to get up before dawn is purgatory. There is not enough coffee in the world to make that easier and I needed my first cup as I drove along Highway 98, heading to my beat. 

The one consolation is that nobody was on the roads then. I usually had plenty of time to meditate and have my quiet time and wake up before the stuff hit the fan. This morning, though, there was one other vehicle moving, a brand new dark green Ford pick up. For no known reason, it drew my attention over and over despite my efforts to ignore it and stay on my quiet time. You have to know I was a great cop in many ways, but for sure I was never a legend for my traffic enforcement.  If you were not an active hazard I really could care less, to be honest. Me blue lighting and forcing my way into the insane Florida tourist traffic to stop someone sailing through it above the speed limit seemed a worse safety risk than just ignoring it, and if you did things I also did, I cared even less about it. My ticket obsessed sergeant hated me for this attitude and yes it did reflect on my performance reports.

This pick up was driving normally, not speeding, and there was no reason for it, but it obsessed me inexplicably. I had to stop it, had to deal with it, I felt this all through me, and not a bit of that was coming from my brain. I had no reason to stop it, no desire to stop it, no.... dammit, no tag. There was no tag on it, plus this insistent sense that I MUST stop it, something was very wrong, and with a heartfelt, unuttered curse, I reached over and flipped the blue lights then radioed the stop into dispatch. 

It was one of the loneliest stretches along the highway right there, beside the Gulf of Mexico. You had to be careful pulling off as the sand was a liar, and seemed solid enough but in bad areas was like confectioners sugar from the poundings of past hurricanes and would drop you deeper than your axels. This guy was not wise to it, but he did pick a small area that managed to hold him up and instead of pulling over on the shoulder he pulled into a sort of small lay by which was blocked a bit from the highway in view thanks to a surviving dune sort of remnant behind us once we stopped. He pulled in nose first, and I drew up behind him stopping with the front of my car about ten feet behind his back bumper, and adjusted my spotlight to shine into his mirrors just enough to make it harder to see where exactly I was coming from if this was gonna go bad. I left my car door open for cover as there was nothing out here otherwise and we go with tactics on this sort of thing at night alone for miles. My nearest possible back up was a mile away and due to get off soon and probably half asleep though my stop would roust him out to drift this way if only for something to do to stay awake.Second to domestics, traffic stops are the most likely time to die if you are a cop. 

Nice guy, clean cut black man who was appalled, it seemed, about the tag and went into his back seat where I noticed no less than four Florida tags laying around on the floor. He had just bought the truck he told me and one of those tags there went to it.

Problem. It doesn't work that way. All four were from one of three different counties also. 99% of the time this scenario would prove they were stolen tags. Problem. That cup of coffee I longed for before shift was looking further away all the time.

So, need your license and registration, please, and we will sort this out. Nice truck, both of us want to be on our way and if I just get a good tag here we are done. No need for a ticket or anything.

Tyrone was good with that, seemed happy, and gave me his license and then eyed the glove compartment.

The purchase papers were in there, insurance, too, he said, needed to reach for them so I could see what they had done and which tag went to the truck. He didn't want any trouble.

Between his literal hand and the glove compartment was a backpack on the driver's seat open at the top. Nothing in his manner to concern me, no reason to be concerned and I had already told him I had no plan to ticket him over the tag, once we sorted he had one, in fact. He seemed really calm and pleasant, and I certainly was. Really. I was a nice cop unless you really worked for it and Tyrone was not working for anything but to get back on the road and done with this.

Go for it, I told him, raising the weapon grade flashlight I had in hand to light where his hand was going and reveal what was in the glove compartment as soon as it opened. My attention was there, on his hand, not on the empty beach sand stretching out from where I stood all the way to the Gulf. Nowhere at all for anything or anyone to not be seen for a hundred yards, moon high above lighting the spot like a small stage area. He smiled and reached for the glove box.

"GET BACK!" I heard a male voice say commandingly an instant before the rest.

My breath rushed out from the unexpected blow of a hand striking the shock plate of my bullet proof vest so hard it lifted me off my feet and threw me back all the way to fall behind my open car door and I looked up in disbelieving confusion and shock to see the lights revealing Tyrone's hand coming up with a gun and he turned sharply to shoot it where I had been standing and then panicked in confusion to find me not there. The way he jerked and looked out as if I maybe had stepped aside would have been comic under other circumstances. As it was, I was freaking out and radioed for backup, gun sighted, and drew down on him and he panicked and floored his truck, which buried it halfway to China in that blasted sand. 

I shouted at him the usual, "Don't make me shoot you, put the gun down, it isn't worth this Tyrone, drop the gun" as was trained into me automatically even as I was looking everywhere and trying to comprehend what had happened, who had thrown me back with that impossible strength, whose voice had I heard?? Who had somehow just saved my life??

My backup screamed in, spraying sand for a quarter mile and long story short, we got Ty cuffed and secured and it turned out the truck had just been stolen about ten minutes before I saw him from the local Ford dealership. Tyrone, poor fellow, had a list of wants and warrants and even his gun was stolen from another break in he had not been charged in yet but would be now he was caught with stolen goods on him. 

It took eight hours to fully book him as his prints kept drawing new hits all over the state as the system churned onward. Eight hours. Pages and pages of writing besides just the arrest I had him on. 

I am not a religious sort, but the way I was raised I know the Bible back and forth. Some of it I take to heart as a good thing to know and follow. In there somewhere is the story of a wealthy man who had a little man who owed him money dragged before him. The little man told him how hard times were and he did not have the money and the rich man noted it was a large amount but, fair enough, he had no wish to be harsh so he forgave the debt in full. Forgave it all and let the fellow go. Overjoyed, the little man hurried home in relief to be freed of the huge debt over his head and then noted that one of his neighbors still owed him a small amount and had him arrested and charged for not paying this pittance back to him. 

The rich man found out, that the fellow he had forgiven for a large sum was prosecuting someone else for a tiny debt mercilessly. It made him angry and he had the fellow arrested and punished him until he paid his full debt back in full for proving to be so ungrateful and mean despite so much having been forgiven for him.

I did not charge Tyrone with trying to kill me, drawing on me, attempting to shoot me. I was going to die that morning, but Someone intervened and saved me from bleeding out in the sand there. It was not my skill or clever detective wits that spared me. Someone, "Other", had spared me. I felt even thinking to charge him for that would be like that little man not being thankful enough for his forgiveness to forgive anyone else. Report finally done I walked back and gave Ty his paperwork and talked with him quietly, as the other holding cells were full with inmates down for court appearances. I explained all the warrants and other things he was charged with and the theft of the truck and four stolen tags as well, and then told him I was not going to charge him for attempting to kill me out there because he had more than enough trouble to get sorted out and so I simply forgave him for it.

That was the first time I have ever seen a hardened felon sit down and weep, just weep, as if his heart had broken. I left him there and have not seen him since so I guess he pled out.

Me? I have struggled with that morning ever since. I have had good friends die on the job and each time guts me anew to wonder why me? Why was an average person like me saved that way and these other, really good guys, died when it went bad? Survivors guilt is what it is they say, and there is no help for it. It was not Ty who did that, he was not even close to the right position to have done that, I am not sure any human could have had the strength to so exactly hit me mid-chest and lift me up, fling me backwards about 15 feet to drop without falling behind my open door like that. It was a moon drenched area that morning, wide open for hundreds of yards to the open Gulf of Mexico all the way to the horizon. No person walked up unseen to do that and then strolled away as invisibly. Bullet proof vests are stiff, some come with shock plates for even higher protection over the heart. There is a pocket and if you have it issued, a ceramic plate that can absorb very high powered rifle rounds which can be slid down over your heart. That hand hit that and lifted me away from the danger as it said "Get back".

I do not "believe" because I "need to" believe. I do not believe because I am weak or am really religious or delusional or whatever ridiculous reasons some few wish to blame for people who believe there is more out there, perhaps even God. It is not even faith for me. I have the evidence, I know utterly what happened that morning, I know. I know. I will always know and never doubt for a moment that there is Other out there. It touched me, I can still feel that imprint of a hand and hear that voice. What exactly it was, I do not know. Maybe an angel? Maybe God? I saw nothing there so cannot tell you that. The voice was male, the strength in that hand was infinite.

Every single word of this is truth. This is why I believe and will not ever be shaken from it. My life is all about me, like yours is all about you. I know God Is and there is Other out there. Not faith, I know this. 

This is why I believe.

I write to serve.

Not A Rockstar


Hushed, like a gossamer veil I felt the hush, the peace, the quiet settle over me and sink into my inner self as I sat still, meditative, waiting on The Lord. An inner shift as flow was achieved, the silent smile and hugging warmth of becoming One consciously once more. I let myself think just enough to form and release the Intent for this sitting. Me. This was just for me, this time.

Shadows shifted and my heart lifted to come out in a place of my own Creation, a small world, moon actually, where the nights are so long the plants have evolved to store energy, which they release over the dark time in glowing droplets of golden light for life around the tiny radiance to prosper until the sun rises again. It is an impossible and unforgettable vison at night which someday I may bring to life in a science fiction novel and pass it off as story fodder. Light and fragrance drop by drop giving life through the utter darkness. Days are even more wondrous here, and it is all mine. I made this, from the black sand beaches framing the inland sea to the trees and expressers of life energy so life could abound here despite the light cycles. Without those, only lifelessness was possible here. Intervention was required, so I did that once I first found it and saw the need and solution.

I walked a while, waded in the cool water, savoring cool feet and warm body in the air there as whales blew in the distance, thoughts drifting over various hurts and releasing them as I found them, bringing myself back to center, emotionally. I could feel God within, walking with me, the love, bliss. This is why I named this moon Communion. 

After a time, I sat down on the beach, near where a small grouping of starflowers were dancing in the slight breeze and cheerfully releasing a drop of molten gold light periodically, like a magician revealing a grand sleight of hand. Small radiance, not enough to disturb the night, but the energy plentiful for the naruk trees towering high above to soak in and rest until the next sunrise, without stress.

It didn't take much light to dispel the killing darkness, we mused, watching a drop slowly form and pool and finally drip down to glow into the rich soil and vanish eventually as it dispersed. My mind drifted back to when I first started trying so hard to bring peace and light and hope to the darkness I was confronted with in life, and how terribly hard that is in a realm which doesn't know it needs it, is stuck on never changing, controlling, retaining what has always been.

Exhausting, failure prone, too, as I was yet part of that myself and so struggled between the pull of my soul toward light and the weight of the darkness in my form. A thousand naysayers born for every dreamer, obsessed with stamping out the embers of light which might escape their traps of thought. It was hard the first few lifetimes. Killing even. Heart breaking. 

But, you come back, you keep coming back, and you grow and you never need to relearn those lessons already bought with blood, and the day dawns when you are born again and stand up and realize how to beat the exhaustion and the shadows.

Stop trying. Stop.

Wake up and become. Be light. Effortless light. 

It doesn't take much light to dispel the darkness. No rush, we have been at this for ages and will persist.

Open the door into the night and darkness does not flow in, but the light flows out. It is flowing. Flowing.

Be Light.

Not A Rockstar

Numerology 102

So, how to get the numbers? First, you write out all the letters in the alphabet.




etc. through Z

Then beside them write the numbers 1-9 sequentially, repeating as you go. So:

A 1

B 2

C 3


You end with basically this result:

1= A, J, S

2= B,K,T

3= C,L,U

4= D,M,V

5= E,N,W

6= F,O,X

7= G,P,Y

8= H,Q,Z

9= I,R


You deal with dates thusly: May 18, 2018 (the day of this blog post) would be simply, 5+1+8+2+0+1+8 = 25= 2+5= 7. The date number for the post is 7.

Months are simply reduced to the number the month is in the year, and May is the fifth month, so a 5. FYI, November is not a master number in this situation but simply added as an 11 into the equation. Do this with your birth date and the resultant value is your life path number, considered to be the most important number in numerology for you.

A couple fun numbers to get for yourself is next.

Your Name Number is thought to reveal major influences in your personal and professional life. You write out your FULL, legal, name, then add together the number value above for each letter and total then reduce them down into a single digit. Only if the final number is a master number do you not do this. 

You can also do this with the name you give when introducing yourself or signing documents. Say my name is James George Doe legally, but I always introduce myself as Jimmy Doe. The name number for Jimmy Doe will tell me, supposedly, how others see me, versus how I really am (my legal name number). 

www.NUMEROLOGY.COM is heavily based on Decoz' work so visit there if you want to play with this some more.

disclaimer: I have zero to do with this site nor Mr Decoz beyond some emails I am certain he no longer even recalls LOL. 

Barring questions, this is it for me and Numerology. Have a great day, friends.

I write to serve.


Not A Rockstar

Numerology 101

There are as many forms of divination as there were cultures through history, at least it seems that way if you ever went very far in seeking to learn some of them. Reading tea leaves, casting dice or runes, reading palms are some of them. In the West, today, perhaps astrology and Tarot are the better known ways of getting one's fortune told through an action or item, versus a psychic reading, which purports to get the information directly from a spiritual contact or ability. I studied a lot of them, have always been keenly curious about history and the occult, and when it is both, I am doubly so. 

Numerology is a very old school of thought which is more foundational than some other forms of prognostication, in that, like the Kaballah, we can see it turning up within the structure of other fortune telling methods. One could be forgiven for going so far as to claim that Numerology and Kaballah are interlinked deeply, and that Numerology is the non-Judaic form of Jewish and Kabbalah mysticism which moved out into the world while the Kabbalah stayed within Judaic friendly mystical circles. This is my hypothesis about it, in more modern context. Numerology may have actually predated the Kabbalah as an idea, but this is outside the scope of what I know about. There are numerological presences within Chinese Astrology and many other very old methods for divination, though when exactly it was added in to expand the thoughts I do not know. This exceeds the range of my studies and curiosity over my life.

What sets it apart for me is that it is one of the few such things which I did not toss out the window of my mind as I went over it as being basically trash in actual use. It does shine light on insights for me, it has some use, but, like nearly everything else, is often put to use in ways that seem to exceed that, for me. I have said some things are "nouns" in knowledgeable sentences about the hidden things, and other things are more adjectives. I consider it an adjective. Many others, such as Hans Decoz, whom I consider to be the foremost Master Numerologist in the world today, would never agree with me and have developed entire systems of predictions based on it for everything. Some of those are solid hits. Others are not for me. I must tell you though that I have had the pleasure of speaking with Mr. Decoz, through email exchanges while I was learning, and the man is brilliant and this is easily one of the better forms of divination for someone who just cannot get into the cards or stars nor feels very fey yet wants to divine things for fun or serious study. Numerology is a system and may well be what you will delight in and find fascinating. Learn it and run with it. It requires no special gift but learning and a good mind for how numbers interact and are involved with everything. His book, Numerology, Key To Your Inner Self (1994) is absolutely all you need and is masterful. I wore my copy out and it is the only book on the subject I recommend without any reservations. He has also produced software which does readings based upon his work and many of the online readings you can buy in Numerology is done on his work and can be startling in how accurate they are about you based only on numbers derived from your name, your birthdate, nickname, really basic real world things reduced to numbers. Even so, there are other versions out there and nowhere near as good as his work, so find his stuff.

Moving along, the basics involve the numbers 1 through 9, 11, 22, and 33. There are dozens of formulas on how to derive your life number, or a host of other numbers from your personal data, or places or situations and reduce those down to one of these numbers for a reading on them. Hans, for example, is big on running the numbers for prospective business names to forecast how well it will do and choosing which name to go with based on that. He has numbers for everything.

I never took it that far. Tarot was my big divination tool until I didn't need it anymore. Numerology as it plays out in that format is how I used it the most beyond a full reading once from Hanz' work. That reading (available in some places still online for about 20 bucks US or so from what I noticed as I googled a bit to see how things stood today before starting this promised blog post series on Numerology) was startling in some of its insights into me, a bit less so in how it described my life, but over all worth some credibility given to it. Certainly it vastly exceeded any astrology reading for any given day, week or month I have ever bothered to get to check. 

If you want to take this further, his book is your finest move to make, get it and read it and use it. As he is who started me on what I know about Numerology you will find similitudes in some of my own basic translations of the numbers. Where they differ is my own thoughts as I used them over the years in Tarot interpretation. Where they are the same, credit Hans Decoz. When the best is out there, why learn from anyone else? 

Now, the fast and furious number meanings according to Not A Rockstar are as follows. I have kept this very simplistic but if you really want to know more, we can consider going further into it.

For *ME*, I see the numbers as expressing a journey of the heart (or situation) for a person. I was a Tarot reader, used it this way, I remind you. I did use reversals, so in parenthesis I jot down some negative meanings if the energy of the number is misused). Not all meanings apply in a given reading or usage. 

1. INCEPTION, first cause, origin, new birth, beginnings, a lot of energy, masculine (weakness, premature, thwarted, abortive).

2. DUALITY, potential, coming together, partnership, meeting of the minds, cooperative, feminine (deception, careless, very sensitive to any criticism)

3. TRINITY, teamwork, joyfulness, talents, progress, good energy (superficial, vain, intolerant)

4. EARTH, grounded, stable, foundations, steady, solid, stable (boring, pedantic, unfeeling, stodgy)

5. CHANGE, grounded, pivotal, transformative, flux, new energies, freedom, shifting gears, preparation (unstable, irresponsible, chaos, weakness, confusion)

6. CONSOLIDATION, early fruits, maternal, nurturing, some results and adjusting for progress, healing, pausing to learn/assess and preparing to move forward knowledgably (overbearing, anxious, cynical, jealousy)

7. SPIRIT, Sacred, bringing all parts together, seeking, focus, studying the matter, introspection (dissonance, back stabbing, awkwardness, fear, cowardice, not seeing the truth)

8. BALANCE, power, success, street savvy in the matter, knowledge, gains, business acumen, (cruel, zealotry, intolerance, religious zeal in a negative sense for a thing or idea)

9. ADEPT, complete, self-sufficient, caring, humanitarian, sharing, giving, reaping (fickle, greed, miserly, self-pitying, mental instability)

Master numbers:

11. MASTER INTUITIVE: the Psychic, the intuitive one, the insightful, wisdom, clear vision.

22. MASTER BUILDER: one gifted in turning dreams into reality, Creator.

33. MASTER TEACHER: one gifted in expressing wisdom and imparting it to others.

The negative side to Master numbers is that when not realized they devolve into their composite form, so 11=1+1=2  , 22 would devolve to a 4, 33 would devolve to a 6.

Only Master numbers are not reduced automatically to one of the 1-9 basic numbers. 

I hope this helps as a basic introduction to Numerology. Feel free to ask questions, I can dig up a website with Hans' work behind it if need be for you. It is an interesting pseudo-science and as I said is great for those who do not feel psychic and would enjoy playing with a divination form which doesn't need that so much at all. As systems go it is huge and can be applied to almost anything as a tool to add more light or insight into a matter. Depending on the application the interpretations will differ but not in thrust much I think.

Much love to all.

I write to serve.

Not A Rockstar

Kundalini Rising: Week 1

A week ago, my whole perspective on life and reality changed when my meditations were disturbed by a cold energy rushing up through me and it felt like it flowed my eyes, and I cried. I was somewhere else in that time, a bright place, unable to see for it, I could hear the rushing of wind, and felt as if my body was immersed in cold water, which I could feel rippling all over and sort of encircling my shoulders. There was no fear, it was actually a very blissful experience, but, it did surprise me and I nearly broke the meditation in a reflexive grab to get control back, be in control. 

For the past week I have been living with this and studying to find out what the heck Kundalini even is, and what it is about. I still do not feel that I have a real good definition for what it is, but, something close is that this is the God energy out there connecting with the God energy within us. That can no doubt be picked apart, but, it is in the ball field of what a definition would be. I have also read horror stories of how this has destroyed many people and landed them in mental health units. Most of those were playing and trying to cause it to happen, or especially drug abusers who were also playing with dope and mixing it with spirituality. Not all of them, though. Still, learning this has made me all that more hard core against the notion of using drugs as a shortcut to gain spiritual growth. You are deluding yourself if you do. Damaging your mind and thinking your glimpses of mental instability are divine is delusional.

I have been blessed, or my decades of meditation and heartfelt searching to know more about God and spirituality has helped me, with a much calmer awakening, which seems paced at my speed. I have never done yoga, it seems like simply a low impact type of stretching workout and fine, just not for me. I like swimming or walking, myself. I have not studied Eastern Religions beyond a very sketchy concept of what they are. That stuff came into my generation with The Beatles and I was one of those few who never got into that band or culture. Give me a Monkees album over that Beatles stuff. But, I did have a friend who was severely into the Beatles and because they meditated, she did and she taught me about it when I was in Japan, so I was about ten years old or so then. I liked meditating but I never did like her Beatles, sadly enough. But, the point being that meditating for so long and seeking for so long, has developed The Witness within me pretty well and this is probably a major reason why it is going in a stable way early on at least. I have also taken advice and backed off on meditating and doing much spiritual work to let it settle in and quiet down as those are known to be stimulants for it.

Over this week, though, I have about doubled in my need for sleep. I have been averaging about ten hours a 24 hour period since this happened. I cannot verify claims that caffeine becomes a problem, I still drink my pot a day and don't notice any effects. Kundalini is not just energy. It is alive, intelligent and communicates on an intuitive level. I mean I don't hear words, but, I do get a plain sense for what it intends to convey emotionally, and sometimes it is clear enough my own brain tries to put it into words, but, it is obvious my mind is doing it when it happens. These days the message is mostly "I love you."

I have read many people trying hard to get this active in themselves, and as many warnings not to do that. Gentle as my week has been, I have to agree with the warnings. Kundalini comes with its own policing activity. Abuse it and lose your mind, basically. Instant karma. I have also read many posts from people begging to know how to stop it and turn it off, make it go away. It doesn't, though it can be grounded to a point and calmed down. It is not a religion to be put away or dealt with just on Sundays. I think if I had known about it before I would not have pursued it. It came for me spontaneously, was nothing I knew about. Because it has, I will learn to deal with it and will grow with it. I love God more than anything else so there is not even a decision to be made, but, I would not have pursued it knowingly, I suspect. Now it is here, I will pursue it, with everything I have, for the same love. Kundalini is annihilating bliss. I think I have been annihilated, just the pieces are all still up in the air. 

This may be my final post about it. I am not sure as yet if I should talk more about it. 

I write to serve.

Not A Rockstar

Eastern religions never held appeal for me, beyond admiration for the sheer age and devotion of them. When I was a child in Japan, Shinto and Buddhism were all around me. I remember standing and gazing up at Gautama Buddha and not even being as tall as his knee. None of it attracted me beyond interest as a child, but it also was not foreign seeming. I was very comfortable in Japan. It felt then like home and still seems like it was when I look back, on an emotional level. Perhaps I had a past life there, or several, but, for all I have some recall of past lives, I have none about the Orient at all. 

But, I was born this life with a passion for God, into a life which set me at odds with organized religion, strangely enough. I have written some of that in previous blog posts. It has resulted in an adult who abhors heavily organized religions of any kind which are controlling, but a very deep spirituality of many flavors and faith systems along the way.

But, for all I answer a lot of random questions around the forums, having studied or worked in those areas, had you ever asked me about kundalini, I could not have said much without googling it and that would be shallow. Same for any depthy questions on Eastern Religions. Never have gone there. Never was curious even.

I meditate a great deal, though. No mantras, none of that, I simply relax and have trained my mind to go quiet and be still and listen for God as I think of it, and if something like a worry or thought creeps in or distraction, I observe it, note it and dismiss it. I do this several times a day for varying lengths of time, five minutes here, twenty there as time allows before the phone rings or the dog barks and needs to go out. I have done this for years.

So imagine my surprise to be typing away this past Wednesday on my science fiction novel at home, and decide I needed a break, so I sat back and started to meditate for a few minutes.

It did not end up that way. Out of nowhere a rush of cold energy flowed up through the base of my spine up my spine and seemed as if it hit the top of my skull and stopped and overflowed out of my eyes in tears. I cried for a while until it abated, then sat there, letting the experience soak in and this strangeness of raw energy flowing over me like cold water and fire and ...bliss. Bliss.

It remains there though is less now as I learn more about how to control it and my emotions. I have done some research and verified what happened to me. I think I am still in mild shock, because I never expected it, and it has shifted a lot for me and how I see things. I have found people in that community are about as merciful as some here, which is to say I reckon I will be going this alone mostly. I got here somehow on my own so I surely should do better now with this energetic connection going for me now, right?

I do not expect to go run off to convert to Buddhism or anything of the sort. I am going to stay right where I am, as a God loving shaman with a lot of other experiences behind him. Shakti, as I am told is the word for this cold energy that rises, came to me as I am so there we are. I will find out what happens now, and where it takes me. 

Like everything else in my life.