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The Darkness of The Deep

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About this blog

Personal views and musings from a lifetime of religious enquiry and spiritual exploration by a devoted God lover, Shaman and Vodou Initiate to the rank of Asogwe. The journey never ends, nor do the thoughts and tales I can tell. Some will get it, others never will. It is what it is.

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Not A Rockstar

God Is Surprisingly Close

So many reject the idea of a god using the points of one religion or another. I can relate. I was beaten and exorcised by overzealous relatives as a child to "save" my soul and get rid of the voices and visions I was having. Ostracism was a way of life for me, always being viewed as trouble, something bad or wrong, for most of my most impressionable years. Yet, I had it easy, really. I lived. Some do not. Extremes are not good, no matter what one wishes to talk about.

Yet, it did work, in a large sense, just not the way my very naïve and misled kin expected. It worked because the real God, The Source, Creator Mother/Father doesn't fit in any religions. Not the real deal. God is not there. God may be around, one can find Source anywhere, but all of it is not there. A true religion is simple, it tells you you are LOVED just as you are, like any child of sane and normal parents. It also tells you that in love, you are expected to go out and play and learn and evolve in your relationship with Source just like you grow and get to know your mortal parents and family. You are expected to do well in life, to do good, learn from mistakes and go on wiser, and to be busy in those positive things that bring you happiness and joy. It is really very simple, and not one of the buildings I ever found had that kind of religion. They add rules and controls and definitions of those who do not belong and punishments and force and all that messiness which is NOT rooted in love. When they are really out of balance, they preach love but become the very thing they hate the most, same as all other things that get into the judgment cycle and mindset. Some do better, but they are weak because they do not then replace their own lack of rules with the tools that can set a person free on a personal journey with Source.

If you grow enough to know there has got to be a place like that, of sunshine and truth, you end up outside the building, feeling guilty and worried about poking into other ideas and philosophies you were told were bad, and drag a lot of baggage along. It is a tough place to be to seek God but feel like you can't connect, can't find Him anywhere. Not in a real, living way. In the end, many give up, or get bitter and accept "truth" as being there is no God at all, and if the way to Him is by submitting to some religious path you don't buy into then to hell with it then. 

If there is a God and He really loves you, what kind of haphazard system is this, where if you fail to recognize the right church or temple or book, you end up in hell forever and ever anyway? My question was how can I love Jesus, and God, so very much and yet be cursed, damned, on the highway to hell for these things I was born with - seeing things and dreams and visions? How is that even fair?

My answer was to end the confusion and debate internally by deciding that God and Love was truth, and those who spoke contrary to it were the wrong voices to hear. I was driven inward by the disapproval and feeling so alone, and found out, that like anywhere else, God was there, too. He just was way closer and easier to touch and talk to and love. Still, it took me years before I realized that this was literal. If we have a drop of the Divine essence as our immortal spirit inside us, then it was really that close, not out there, it was right here, to grab and hold and get to know. 

I know, what the heck am I talking about? For me, through meditation, inwardly, I realized that we all have this drop of God, as it were inside, and we can ask to be shown what it is we don't understand about it. Creator is right there, inside us all, plenty close enough to love and be loved by and find out this union can ignite and change everything for us. Our journeys to discover this differ but the result of that moment of waking up to the simplicity that we ARE a drop of Creator, hence already "saved" and safe and always were in the eternal sense is the same. It is a flash of inexplicable bliss and influx of love, and life and freedom there are no words for. 

You ARE a child of God, and always were. What you do with it and how you react to this awakening is the real journey. That was just the beginning, the birth as it were. 

There is a lot of madness to comprehend out there in the world, most of it comes down to people doing things they should not. It is too easy to say "Well, if there is a God, why did this happen?" It happened because someone who was a child of God did something evil with his free will, like any brat or ignorant child can, with terrible repercussions. Given free will, we have the potential to destroy the world or make a paradise. We are going to range from serial killers to saints, with most of us falling in the average ranges. 

When so many here do not see how utterly beautiful they are, how overwhelmingly loved they are, how tremendous their own potential is … how can the world not be the way it is? Nobody does very well if they do not know, really know, how deeply loved they are. If you are like me, that need to be loved is a cavern nothing can fill, in truth, when you are dead honest with yourself and see into your own guts clearly. Try all you may, drugs, sex, money, thrills, it is the black hole of inner reality. The only thing that fulfills it is the awakening and simple acceptance, simple realization, that the love from Source can fill it. It is the only thing big enough because YOU are that big inside yourself. You are Source yourself, just a droplet perhaps, but Source yourself. 

Break the code on that and reality starts opening up. You can go as far as you want down that road. 

Given that, religions drop to what they really are good for. They are social constructs and can be fun, bonding, healing, and wonderful, in their right place for the individual. Within them, people can wake up, but, that is really not where they shine. 

This is what "Awakening" is. I see the term being thrown around a lot out there in the spiritual circles. Everyone is talking about "awakening" and "ascension" and "enlightenment". It is real, but it is relative. It begins with realizing you are already a drop of the Divine, you are loved, so start working on loving yourself back and realizing this is no way for a child of God to be feeling, or doing or believing about their own parent and life. You have to begin with yourself, learn to love yourself, learn to walk and talk and see your own value in God's eyes before you can more easily see the value and beauty in others and that there IS no need to be afraid. God is not going to toss you into hell someday. God doesn't hate you. But, given free will, you might for a while. There is so very much more to you than you know.

If you have had enough of looking for answers out here, are serious, but find this hard to grasp, then get help. It is as simple as asking for it and then letting it reveal the truth to you. "Help me, show me, what the hell is he talking about? God if you are real, if you are there, show me, show me who I am and who you are, because I am kind of dying inside here."  The answer comes in direct proportion to how sincere you are when you ask. We don't have the words for you, but your own soul, your own higher self, does and is always waiting for you to pick up the inner phone and call home. Nobody knows you better, or loves you more. No one else has to know you made the call, either. Phone home and don't ever hang up. That is the ticket. No rules or religion about it. Use it any time.

Please, don't take my word for it. 

I write to serve.

Not A Rockstar

Discernment: The Greatest Super Power, pt 2

The inclination is great when you first experience something you deem to be paranormal to take it all as having meaning, as being truth, and then packing in every single view or bit of input that supports it into the same file. I do understand. I have been fascinated with the paranormal and astral realms for decades. The appeal, the obsession, is real. It is my life work and passion, so I understand.

But, you do yourself no good, no gain, and no profit in hoarding information without discrimination. The end result is to be one of many who have a ton of things they can talk about and a whole lot of illogical conclusions and conflicts in it all. In other words, they do not have anything much to show for it. You MUST weed out everything. If you accidently toss something true, it will comeback, don't worry about that.

I had to determine what to focus on, what was not a waste of time or red herring. Here are the rules I developed finally when the piles of stuff got to be too much:

1. It has to serve a purpose. Late one night, family all asleep, I was writing in my office and suddenly started hearing clicks right behind me, which increased. I turned around sharply - the house was silent - and just stared to see CAT KIBBLE of all damn things, appearing in id air and pouring out onto the wood floor. About a cup full in all, hitting the flooring and scattering from the impact. This phenomenon is called an apport. I have seen a few. It stopped as the last of the kibble hit the floor, and after a bemused moment my old dog got up and sniffed at it and then started eating it. I kind of absorbed it and thought for a moment on it, then shrugged and went back to my writing. Cat food apporting in serves zero purpose, is ridiculous in fact, and I am not going to waste time on it or give it the faintest bit of energy. 

2. It has to be positive. The dream I had which foreshadowed my Father's failing health and impending death was not a happy experience, but, it was positive in result. It warned me and allowed me to mentally prepare and be a lot less surprised when the call came that sent me driving through the might to his side before he passed over. I cannot, for the life of me, understand the numbers of posters who claim terrible, scary events and then do not want to hear how to be rid of it. I figure they either lie in the first case, exaggerate and know it is imagination going on for them, or fall into the common silliness that this might be the ONLY paranormal thing that will ever bother with them again so they want to keep it around. Surround yourself in positive things, and you will draw more of the same. Hanging out with something negative like this is like not throwing out the trash because it once was something useful to you.

3. It needs to make sense. Kind of like my cat food anecdote above, which made zero sense at all - we didn't even have a cat at the time - an experience needs to make sense. I do not mean to the level of science and skeptical demands, but taken as a whole and in context, it does need to make sense. I was maybe about seven years old and got dragged to a night service at the Base Chapel when I was not really feeling like going anywhere. I sat on the end of a row and looked out through the (clear) windows at the darkness and Quonset huts out there used still for some base housing and my mind was wandering as the sermon went on. Suddenly, to my astonishment, I saw a bride, long flowing gown, walking slowly forward with a smile on her face and love in her eyes. She was so happy and seemed to emanate love to my amazement, I took it for a reflection in the glass from the small chapel, the angles were right and looked back into the chapel to see her, but, there was no bride there. I glanced around and nobody else was looking out the window at the bride. I looked back outside and nothing was there anymore. It was a while before I started to think about some "hauntings" as being recordings that can somehow be triggered to play for people who see them. I saw the recording of her wedding for a moment is all, and like to think her love did that and I hope her life was great. 

A lot of people like to approach the paranormal as either positive or negative, of God or the Devil. I see it as sort of neutral parts of reality or else manifestations of a mind, most commonly the one who experiences them. My seeing that bride was a neutral thing already there, I believe. I just happened to somehow push the "play" button for it and see it. A memory for me, perhaps, but, I had nothing to do with it. Neutral things can be recordings like that, of intensely emotional moments. Bad, tragic, really happy events cane do this more easily. If there was a theory about recordings, perhaps it would claim that everything that has ever happened is recorded somehow. I know recordings are real, but, I don't know if everything is recorded. Probably, it is, if some moments are. Makes sense, I guess.

There is another aspect of neutral reality, which is where that stupid cat food deal fits into for me. I was writing an article on nothing paranormal, cats nowhere on my mind. It happened, I had nothing to do with it, but someone or something did. I live by the theory that there are a lot of energies out there who want attention and they sometimes act out around people who are open to them, hoping for attention. I am open, but the beings I deal with know my rules and terms well. I am not at all amused or interested in neat-o gee whiz tripe. If they have something to tell me they do so pretty directly. I am very fierce about anything doing weird things anywhere at all around my family. My lady is an old hand with me and my ways but my child I want free to come to her own conclusions. If she asks, I explain, but, nothing at all is allowed to go bump in the night for her. I blame the cat food on some "thing" who detected my openness and did it to get my attention or weird me out or maybe get me to try to sort out how to ask it to bring me gold coins next time or some such silliness. It got the boot instead. I am not interested. 

This category of "thing" or energy looking for someone to attend to it is where a whole lot of the reports we get on the forum fall into. Weird events happen, they make no sense, serve no purpose, and typically are not positive in results. The inexperienced will latch onto them and consider it to be an achievement and really cool, and I hate to say it but this stuff and class of "energy" never amounts to anything in the end but nothing at best or a low energy attachment at worst. "Things" do not go out looking for boring little humans like us unless they need something off us and this is never anything we do not need more ourselves. Wisdom is to not even waste time on them. File the event away, yes. My cat food tale has amused many since it happened and is truly strange, but it has zero cosmic value in the larger, real picture. In other words, it is meaningless. Most reports are, and if they occurred at all should land in a diary somewhere and be forgotten unless they make some sense later.

Now, manifestations of a mind are something else. This is where it can cross the line into mental health issues, and I do not mean schizophrenia. It is reckless trolling and ignorance to see people posting "you are crazy" or "you need mental health intervention" to some of these posters. The depressed mind, the traumatized mind, extreme grief or stress or age related dementia, people suffering from PTSD or merely suicidal depression can experience visions, beings, disturbed sleep/disorders and the very last, most cruel and shallow response is to laugh, mock and tell them they are insane. This reveals ignorance that should stay off that post if they do not know for sure what is going on. Demons are terrible and real and dangerous, and there are manifestations of lesser order as well. In my experience, most of them are creations from a very wounded mind and need positive help and positively worded information and direction to psychiatric support. "Demons" often manifest in later stages when there is little hope or self image left and to be brutal can push them deeper into despair or even to suicide. If they are asking for help, or if it is you reading this who thinks you have one, there is room to reassure and explain about how the mind fights back and tries to express from the subconscious mind what it perceives and begs for help. Help is there. This is not insanity. If you are asking and looking for answers, you are not crazy. The truly insane have bought into it as reality and won't be asking. This is one of the most agonizing and terrifying experiences to go through as there is no safe place anymore, and no escape until someone goes in and helps the victim start to rebuild walls and self esteem and a safe place to stand and see what is happening so they can see how to help themselves clean house and fix what broke. 

It has been said that God never gives us more than we can handle. There is some truth to that even if it is not The Creator who does this trash to us, really. We do it, others do it to us because we don't realize or we allow it, life does it, and anyone can fall into a hole deep enough to suffer some of this sort of thing, if only in passing and if only during a bad phase in life they got over. Not everyone can do it alone and Compassion is always the right answer and move away if it is not you who knows how to help. Do not feed it further in bad ways. 

To get back on track, I want to tell you that discernment, throwing out the tripe and waste experiences is wisest. Reject these odd events and intrusions on your life, reality and space, such as ghost footsteps upstairs and shadow people flitting about or stuff being tossed around soon as it begins. While it may open your mind to the possibility that there is more out there, beyond that, if it serves no purpose, makes no sense, and serves no positive purpose in results, reject it. If it is an energy roaming about, it will have to move on if you insist that it does and mean it. It is a back handed compliment, really, as they bother folks who have a bit of light to feed off of. Write it in your diary, and move on and allow life to reveal later if there was anything more to it. Life is challenging enough without carrying these parasites around on top of it. 

I get accused of being a sceptic often because the truth is most things can be debunked and need to be. I support that not because I do not believe in it, but because I do believe and I know the real deal is real enough and powerful enough to make certain you cannot ignore it if it wants to. It makes sense when it does (though it might take a while to fully appreciate that), it serves a purpose and teaches you a lot, and it is positive in results. It will not be trying to scare you or terrorize your children. 

All of this can be boiled down into a really brief point. If it is not GOOD, just say no. Literally, just look up at your version of cat kibble falling from nowhere and shake your head and ignore it. Go back to living and doing what you were before.

You have free will. Use it.

I write to serve.

Not A Rockstar

Discernment: The Greatest Super Power, pt 1

Every day, I see new members posting here about experiences they claim to have had and asking for help, or explanations or validation. It is as if our educational system and the internet is evolving us to an expectation of answers always being available if you just ask. But, the truth is that if you do not learn to think for yourself and communicate well, you will easily be washed away by the first few challenges to your ideas you run into, or else will find others giving you all the details of what to believe. At the very least you will either get your feelings hurt or else end up not knowing what to think.

The answer is discernment and it is a critical skill for anyone, be they Occultic adventurers or sceptics. This blog is for those who are not sceptics primarily, so I will focus on those, but the principles are good for anyone, the way I see it and I have used this to flush more diverse happy crap down the commode of stupid ideas than many sceptics will ever take on.

The Oxford dictionary has two meanings for the word, though in practice you can find many usages out there. The first meaning is To judge well. The second meaning is Perception in the absence of judgment with a view of obtaining spiritual guidance and understanding. Merriam-Webster likens it to Discrimination and says "discrimination stresses the power to distinguish and select what is true or appropriate or excellent."

I have been seeing spirits and things since as far back as I can remember. I was five years old when we finally moved away from the first house I remember living in dealing with a mean man named Robert who looked like a shadow person who tormented me mercilessly in dreams and awake until I was shown how to stop him from doing it by little bright children my size who were friends and did not like him. So, I was maybe four then? This was in the 1960s, so no internet, we were too poor for a TV, those were rare still anyway, and I was an only child and alone most of the time. There was no other help and no one to ask and when I did try, my parents could not see Robert and thought it was funny. This was traumatic for me, to find out so young that my parents were not as all powerful as I supposed as such a young and isolated child. I knew he was there. I never thought they were lying. This is hard for a child to deal with and the fear was that much worse. But, my little bright friends helped and he was made to leave me alone. 

When I was older and more knowledgeable, I had to look back and decide what it really was. Nobody else anywhere can tell me that. No one else was there. My sceptic friends, if I asked, would only be able to say it was bad dreams, a child imagining fears. Sceptic trolls would say this is proof that even that young I was schizophrenic and need mental health intervention immediately. My most beyond the fringes believing friends would say Robert was a demon and my friends were angels. I never have asked, though, and their opinions, all of them, are useless as final verdicts go.  What I had to do was decide for myself what happened, and I KNOW it was real, and I knew then as a child he was a man who had died in that ratty trailer we were renting who taunted me because I could see him and he did not like kids much on top of it.. I do not know today how I knew that, perhaps I was told by Robert or by the bright children. I certainly had never heard a ghost story, and did not read it online nor did I see it on television. It was a very different world then. 

The first criteria I started using by the time I hit my teens was "does it work". What I did with the bright kids' help worked. Minor as it was, I understand now why it did and how. It was lesson one in the skill of Intent. I believed my bright friends, I did what they said, and it worked because of that faith and action of intention. All at the level of a five year old, using a penny of all things. 

In my teens I had books about everything from palmistry to the Face on Mars to read at the library. Most of them were hyped up trash, to be honest. Most today on occultic or paranormal topics still are. But, I read them and mulled them over and learned to go by what I came to call my inner truth sense. I dumped a lot of it, kept the rest and kept living and as I came to challenges in life and used what I had learned I fell back on my first criteria. Does it work? If it did then it was maybe true. If it did not, I dumped it. 

I had no one to talk to about these things, so there was not an ego factor or any desire to fit in to a group and go along with them and how they thought. I also was high IQ and busy studying at school and not patient with useless things that were not even pretty. There was every pressure in my life to NOT see things or pursue the Occult, unlike today when every other kid wants to be known as an empath or fuzzy or witch. I sought answers, whatever they would prove out to be, and if they worked I kept them and if they did not, I dropped them. I was very callous about it and those pretty things I kept anyway I filed in the "pretty" file, not the "this works" file. 

To the young person of today looking for answers, I ask you to learn for your own sake to close your mouth, write your experiences down in a diary, and keep your own counsel until and unless you meet someone whose experiences you really trust to talk with. We are all on a personal journey we call life, and we experience it alone. When it comes to that, nobody but you knows how your journey feels and is as a reality. This is all the more true about anything paranormal. The journey itself is the point, and if you see a ghost, or have a weird experience, relax. It is normal. Even my sceptic friends can tell at least one tale about something odd they never got a good explanation for. If your experience is only this, then talking about it is probably fine. But, if it becomes chronic, be it seeing things not there to others, or what seem like psychic abilities, start that diary and go into it knowing this is part of the teaching in itself, what I wrote about above, "Perception in the absence of judgment with a view of obtaining spiritual guidance and understanding". 

This means, you don't know for sure what it is yet, so you analyze it critically for meaning, does it offer guidance or seem to? What does it teach you if you accept it? Is that good? If it is true, then what does that do to what else you know already? You need to decide for yourself how to then judge it after answering questions like that.

You have to be your own best friend and very honest with yourself. If what you are experiencing is scaring you, if it frightens or is bad or tells you bad things, talk to your parents or an adult you trust about it. There is a saying "Even a stopped clock is right twice a day." So also I have to say that the sceptic, mean talking trolls also can be and you may be having a mental health issue and talking with a doctor or counsellor may be what you need, so speak up early and get that help. Needing it does not make you bad or weak somehow, it is simply part of your own journey and once you get through it gives you a wonderful experience you can help others with who are upset or feel badly for needing help. It can be a wonderful thing for you and may even guide you in a super way to help others and perhaps you will be a counselor someday too. The worst things in life can be turned around and made to work for your own happiness and to help others if you learn how to beat it.

If it is not scaring you and is not advising you to do bad things or encouraging you to change in ways you do not choose on your own, it might be a gift you have. It might be very common or rare. But, just like my advice for those who are scared, you still have to be smart and learn to use discernment and weed out viciously what you find to be less than true. In part 2 of this topic, I will share with you what I use when I find something new in information or run into a new "guide", and some good ways to find information to consider about your experiences, so read onward, please. I will post it in a couple days :) 

Not A Rockstar

Why I Love Christmas

Strong memories have attached to how I see holidays, so perhaps this is why Christmas means the very most to me. Growing up, with a Dad in the military, we moved all the time. I learned early to root nowhere outside myself, just root inside, because everything would change again in a year or so. But, if we were ever going to go see my paternal kin back in Michigan, it would be near Christmas. That was sort of like home to me, at least it was a place I returned to a few times, and had friends who lived next door to see periodically. 

The house would be full of people, everything was a bit chaotic and friendly, and Grandma knew how to cook solid German-American fare. Big ears could hear stories of the family, jokes, and once in a while, you might get hugged. This meant a great deal to an only child till I was almost at my teens. The hugs were few, as if we had to ration that sort of thing, but noise and fun we did have then.

It meant that to me, family, belonging somewhere, refreshing relationships with relatives I rarely saw otherwise. It meant a break from the routine, a trip, a bit of fun. Gran would always, if we were really good, let us each have one of her closely guarded lebkuchen cookies, which we always ate as if it was a great prize, though the truth was, I didn't really care for them. If I could, I would slip it to my Dad to finish off. 

Presents? I never focused on that aspect as I never got fun things there. Once, I got a big Winnie the Pooh animal, but, nothing else sticks out in memory. We usually got one toy and some clothes or something. Sometimes, just the toy. We always went to church and heard the story about Jesus, of course, but that was a social thing for me. 

Once I grew up and was on my own, I didn't celebrate it at all, though I did enjoy the trappings of it and the music. I certainly did not disdain it when cookies came my way, and I was happy greeting anyone for the season. Later, when family came, we evolved our own celebration and it centers on what we think matters about it. Relationships, family, and love, time spent together. This year we have made up large baggies full of candy and wrapped cakes to give out to the elderly neighbors who have become friends with my Mother in their small complex. We have extras to gift one each to our garbage men and the mail woman. Do surprise your sanitation crew, having driven a garbage truck for two years, I can tell you nobody ever does that. They just gripe if you do not get there early the 26th to haul off the overflowing dumpsters and discarded trees. You will astonish them to the ground to be remembered with some candy or a card with a 5 dollar coupon to McDonalds and live on as a rare person in their memory.

The religious aspect of it is personal. We have taught our daughter what the Bible says happened. We have taught her what the holiday was before that happened and was instituted. We have taught her about other places and celebrations of the season to include Hanukah and Kwanzaa. She knows about the legends around the whole Saint Nicholas story. We have a tree up but I do not get into the outdoor light show thing. Last Christmas, Dad had just died so a Florida holiday was out of the question. This year that house is sold and Mom is here at an apartment complex for elderly, so we will have it nearby at her house. I am happy to not take that drive again, and daughter NAR is happy planning what to put in the presents for the folks at the complex and seems fine to skip the trip as well. She is not brooding over the absence of her Grandfather, it seems, so I am glad of that. He would not want that.

I think of Thanksgiving as the celebration of Gratitude. I think of Christmas as the celebration of Relationships, in the family and with others who touch our lives. Both have huge spiritual aspects to them in my inner world, gratitude and relationships, to include our own with Other, but this is personal and perhaps as diverse as all the people looking up at the stars on Christmas Eve night and thinking their own thoughts wherever they are, with the burdens and wounds we all carry. I like to set all of that down then and just enjoy the night, and focus on family and friends and send out my best hopes for everyone willing to receive it.

That is what it all means to me and why I love it so much.

Not A Rockstar

Kundalini Rising: Seven Months

It has been a while since I last wrote about my Kundalini adventure, which started over six months ago. Before writing this, I went back and read over what I have written about it before, and the one thing that stood out to me is how very much change has been going on since those posts were written. They seem as if I wrote them a lot longer ago. 

Daily, I read on the forum I met my mentor at, to learn from the experiences of others. By far, most talk about physical manifestations and issues. Kriyas, cramping and burning pain are the more common complaints. I find this a bit ironic as I have MS and so those are realities in my life anyway, and for me, the past seven months have been astonishingly free of physical trials like that. Once I had to go and even locate my meds to take a pill for cramping. Once. I haven't needed to take any of them in so long I had to find them. Mind you, I never did take them daily. I am bad about that and pills, and only did when I was having a bad phase anyway. One day is all and it was not that severe, really. I am not trying to say it is the K that did that, just that I am having a long running good period which coincides with K rising for me. 

My chronic depression is basically gone. It is very hard to stay in the pits emotionally when you feel so much love all the time in every breath you take. The early upheavals in my life when it first came in have subsided. Several people have left my life, a few new faces have turned up as friends as it has readjusted my immediate world. 

I used to try very hard to be pleasant to people and make friends. That has changed. I still have never met a stranger, I get that from my Dad who loved to talk to anyone at all he met, but I do it because I want to now, and the idea of making a friend is not there. My head is elsewhere, to be honest about it, and unless something really gets my attention I run on auto-pilot for the most part and write in it, as well. My mind is on Spirit, on ideas and thoughts apart from what I need to do day to day. It is sort of like meditating all the time despite walking and talking and doing things. The whole old "be friendly" issue, learned to overcome the PTSD and depression is not there anymore. Be my friend if you want to, don't be one if you choose that, I like you anyway. 

How it feels now, I do not get the hot or cold waves much at all. It is a sort of cool sensation ranging to warm, but neither extreme. Problem being it is cold now with winter and I can be cold even in a coat when it ranges into the cool side of it too long, or uncomfortably warm. That can be crazy, but, is minor. It paid off this summer when I just never really got too hot even when it hit the upper 90's here. Handy, given we do not run air conditioning here in the old farmhouse. After so many months of this, I don't think it can be brushed off as delusional or passing. The wave effect happens when it is more active - meditating usually.

The abilities I had before are more sensitive now. I have given a few sessions the past months which are among the better ones I have ever been able to do to help people, but, on the other hand, I only give them if the K responds and lets me know to offer to help this one or that. There is nothing emotional about it, nor sentimental either. The people it chose were ready and needed what I was able to see and offer. I was just the means to that end, a cog in the machine, much like the medium who contacted me cold and gave me a message that made no sense to her from a spirit did, and to me, it was exactly what I needed to hear from my Dad to validate his survival after death. Easy for her, beyond taking the risk of writing something weird to a stranger on reddit, but tremendous for me. Life changing even. Having something you believed but had no independent proof of validated convincingly like that is huge. 

The advice I got early on into this to relax and accept and surrender to it, has been good for me. I have worked for years, decades even, to clear a lot of trash and negatives in life out of my reality, and so was perhaps more ready for it than I had supposed. I know these other people posting to be honest folks, trying to explain something they barely have words for. I feel that way myself. They have trouble with it coming in. It is easy to focus on that and think that is all it is about. But, every poster gets responses from experienced people who have overcome it, are stable and doing well, and there are many more who do not post, like me, because I am not in a crisis now with it. I have worked with energies for decades, too. This is just way bigger and inside and not wholly unlike my experiences as a younger person with the Holy Ghost and the Pentecostal phase, except that this is all the time, doesn't come and go on demand. No dogma comes along with it, no religious twisting or rules or demands or crazy claims of what it is supposed to do and what is wrong and evil and "of the devil".

I do have a better answer now of what K is. It is the raw life energy, coiled up in the root chakra of us all. It is life, it connects remorselessly to life, and ultimately, Life is the Divine, Creative Force which penetrates all of Creation and is Creator. That is what K is to me. I am so far from being god-like or even divine, but she isn't, and it gives me a very close and constant sense of Creator's Benevolence and Love toward all of Creation. It becomes like I am better able to respond to that benevolence more directly through her, I perceive it more clearly than I used to, and it has been an awakening beyond anything I knew we really could experience here, so far. 

I am just a baby in Kundalini, no way some expert guru or anything of the sort. I write about this in my blog once in a while to perhaps offer a different perspective on how it can be, as so many only hear the bad side of it if they hear about it at all. So far, she has been really good to me, gentle even, and I am thankful for this entering my life. 

I write to serve.

Not A Rockstar

The Occult's Ugly Wall, part 2

For some reason, I am having a devil of a time posting this part, which actually was written in a single flow at the end of the first part, so I am rewriting the whole thing. Spirit wants something else covered in here, apparently. 

You have hit a wall, things are going wrong for you enough that you are thinking it is spiritual in cause. You may be having bad dreams, you might be seeing figures running around or leaning over you. Perhaps it is grays or reptiloids or the Hat Man slinking around the grocery store when you are with friends or your Mom, watching you.

Firstly, you need to know they cannot harm you physically. Other people have seen these things, so you are not alone. Most people have not, though, so forgive those people who tell you right away that they do not exist. For them, they don't, and in a real way, they are correct. Some of these people saying these things will add hateful comments to their words, such as they you need mental help, you are lying, you are having delusions, and they may joke about what you have said. My advice is the same, forgive them and strive to understand that they do not see these things, they are not where you are, and they don't realize how much it hurts to be told this, or how really scared you might be. Many of these people are kind, and if they really did know would be heart broken and react differently. Forgive them. We can do better than this.

Secondly, you need to know that there is truth inside the sometimes hurtful things said. The road to magic, or some psychic gifts, or messing around with contacting the dead or spirits or whatever you were doing that has gone wrong now goes through your own psyche. The medical definition of "psyche" is " the totality of the id, ego, and superego including both conscious and unconscious components" (Merriam-Webster). If you don't really understand that definition, you need to go do some studying first and learn it well, because messing with that balance is the highway to insanity, ok? That is what I am talking about when I speak of guilt buried deep inside your psyche causing some of this and how hauntings can be in large part creations of our own (troubled) mind/psyche. 

Tools to be rid of "things" such as sage and prayers to remove spirits help your mind believe that this danger has been removed. Once you do believe, then your psyche subsides back into normal range again. They are quite valid. They can work. Once you get back there and the ghost is gone, take a strong hint and stop what you were doing. This is not your talent. Go find something else to explore and play with.

Some are reading this who are curious and would like to know more but do not want "issues". My best advice is to go and read as much as you like about it, and if you start getting creepy feeling, go out and jog and take a break for a while from it. Maintain a balanced mindset and read critically. Most of the stuff out there is written by people who got glimpses of things and made a career out of building on that and writing a lot of books and under it all few of them know what they are even talking about and if something real broke loose they'd be in trouble. But, there are bits out there enough for most to satisfy their curiosity and get an idea of what people say and report. Sadly, this is also why so many have the idea that it is all bunk. The real workers rarely have time for all that writing and youtube videoing. 

So, if it is all in our minds, then how can any of it be real, Rockstar? 

We are talking about the pursuit of the paranormal, the effort to research it or get into it, not the Reality out there. That is protected, it is warded off for the masses, and this is why we can derail ourselves mentally even trying to probe into it. The walls I speak of are real. These entities can take over your reality once unleashed from your subconscious and demolish your life because they were never meant for the light of day. They were made to be in your subconscious, safely, and dealt with in dreams. They were filed there by you to keep them out of your waking life so you can function. 

People vary in how far they can go. Exploring haunted houses, playing with a Ouija board, these things seem to almost be passages in childhood for us. Having experiences in various houses growing up are normal. Most folks will see something they don't understand and move on and file it away. There is more out there and a few can see or sense it at times. Mostly, though, all it does is fire off our own imagination into overdrive. You sense a fluctuation and fill it with monsters and grays and every sound becomes a bang and off runs the overly excitable kid headlong into "zomg I see ghosts". 

There is a different reality out there, but, most of us do not need to deal with it beyond our religions or matters of faith. Most of us should not. Reality is set out the way it should be for our reason to be here (to grow and learn and interact and individualize). A few seem to be here to also deal deeper into the other side of the Veil which hides the rest of it from us. They have what they need to do their job safely, to learn how, and succeed. 

It is hardly special. Others have greater gifts and talents, which bless more people, like medical doctors, or teachers. 

But, there are three things you need a lot of to go very far into the dark out there, if you still want to know: Grounding, balance and compassion.

Grounding is your faith, your religion, your truth structure. Yes, it can be skepticism, or science, which is a structure like any other for how one thinks. This serves as sort of your framework for filing the things you read and see in relationship to each other. This is your reality, it is your sanity, how you think and relate to what is outside your self.

Balance is what you feed your grounding. Read, learn and study always, science, classic authors, mathematics, physics, comic books, rock concerts, feast on it all, especially including opposing views. Just because something disagrees with your views doesn't make it a threat. If you feel threatened by an idea, you are weak somewhere and need to check your six. There is a problem more basic than the threat. Maybe, you are wrong. It can happen.

Compassion is really critical, as vital as the other two, and the least one I see talked about. To me it is humility, empathy, and knowledge rolled into one with a deep memory of ourselves when we were younger, and silly, and still looked up at the clouds and looked for giraffes and dolphins. Memory, and deep love for the child we once were, a reverence for it enough to not be cold or hard or mean when we run into the inner child of someone else who is in pain. The answer is not always "grow up." Sometimes it is plenty enough to just encourage them to move a day older and relax and get a hug and let them go to run again with a band aid on their knee. Sometimes, yes, a brutal dose of reality and adulthood is needed, but, not as often as we think. Your answers are not theirs, you do not have any right to force your answers on another person. You share and let them work with that as they learn the parts you set out for them.

Walls tell us something is wrong and we need to stop and change, be they from occultic studies or in life generally. If you are depressed, hopeless, angry all the time, get help. You are mistaken. There is help, answers, relief without harming anyone or yourself. You may not like the answer, but, give it a chance.

Life can be surprising.

I write to serve.

Not A Rockstar

The Occult's Ugly Wall, part 1

I was asked on Facebook to expand on a comment I made recently about "hitting The Wall" reference the paranormal arena and exploring the same. Overnight, I mulled this over and even dreamed about it - which made me laugh even inside the dream to realize what I was doing. It will help you to read an earlier post I wrote here, "So You Want To Learn About The Occult". I reread that today and am going to build on that more than repeat myself.

In hindsight, the Occult and the inner psychology of the person pursuing it are integrally linked. I began my pursuit of it because of things I could see and knew about which nobody else around me did and which when I asked, I was strongly discouraged from as "bad things". You are bad if you knew about them, bad if you did them.

But, I was not bad. I am not bad. Perhaps not your favorite person, but, not bad. Not evil. What I began with came of its own accord, I had no knowledge of it when I dealt with the shadowy mean man who tormented my sleep and dreams before I was five. His name was Robert and he died in the trailer we lived in, he said. He did not like me, he did not want me there, and he messed with me because I could see him. Nobody else did. I did not even understand death yet, I had never heard of a ghost, and in a reality where I believed my parent knew everything, it was shattering to find out they did not believe me when I told them about him. If anything, they smiled about my imaginary friend.

He was no friend, but, I did have a few of those, little shining kids that now, I can liken to how we imagine fairies look, but, I did not know about fairies either back then. The shining kids taught me how to keep Robert out of my room. This was the early 60's and we did not have one of those new things called televisions yet. I had a toy Bugs Bunny who did not talk or anything. We were poor. When I was 5 I asked for one of the new Bugsy toys that had a pull string and would say "What's up, Doc?" when you pulled it. The only fairy tales I knew about was the tooth fairy and Santa Claus. When I was about 6, Mom told me the truth. That was sad, but, not as rough as learning so early that my parents did not know everything after all, nor could they protect me from Robert. They could not even see Robert.

Robert was just an earthbound, mean natured old man who lingered to do things he could and put off moving on, I know now, but, he was scary and posed a question I wanted answers to as I got older. There were other experiences, and hitting my teens in the 70's means I walked right into one of the biggest explosions of New Age ideas and notions we may have ever had to that point in the West. 

I am going to shift gears and focus here, because we are talking about The Wall, and how one hits it and what it means and what it does. 

It was an explosion in the 70's culturally, of free thought and free love and Peace, at war with how things had always been and the Vietnam War. It was, really, an end to Innocence for our culture in many ways. This passion for new ideas brought a lot of Eastern Mysticism into the West and an infinite number of new ideas got explored during those years. I like the word "psychonaut" for these seekers. Astronauts of the mind, and what it can and cannot do. The drug culture of the times plays into this as well. 

One wrong idea which I did not believe then and still do not, was that anyone at all could do anything they wanted to occultly speaking. Anyone can read Tarot, anyone can be a medium, anyone can do the Ouija Boards, anyone can be a Magician. A bit later into it all, the psychonauts of the time discovered Shamanism. One could get high on LSD and call it a religious experience, a "journey". Wicca was born in this era, Scientology got new wind in its sails, but seekers were changing from older paradigms and running headlong after "faster" and "easier" and equating this with truth too freely. I remember the "Age of Aquarius" was gushed over all the time, as being upon us all and when the very heavens opened and was pouring out all this spiritual enlightenment and wisdom to us. 

Not so much. Searching in those years, I saw a lot of drugs and heard a lot of stupid beliefs which could not pass the most basic of thinking through the logic it claimed. Much of that crap is gone now, but, there are a few oldies that get rediscovered now and then and trotted back out as new revelations.

What has always been true is that there is a body of occultic (hidden) data some call "wisdom". It is protected naturally by disbelief, discipline, talent, time, commitment. The value in it depends who you ask. Skeptics, the failures, the True Believers will all tell you very different values for it.

The Wall is what I came to call the natural road blocks I ran into as I pursued everything I could get to about the Occult and myself and what I could do. Symptoms of one varied from minor forms to extreme ones and could include: discouragement, failures, life sometimes in chaos and going very wrong,  "gifts" clouding up and not working like they once were starting to, troubles in life and family or finances, and typically also had a marked interference paranormally, as in seeing more entities, confusion, or unwanted manifestations or occurrences. Needless to say this made mental stress shoot up. Depression, mental and emotional exhaustion, freakish dreams, and if not dealt with suicidal and morbid thoughts could creep in. Psychotic breaks, even schizophrenia can manifest. The further you go if you beat one Wall, the next one is worse. Things of this nature are protected. Your own body, mind and self will do it. 

There are a lot of people I run across who experiment with things like the Tarot, Ouija Boards, seances or haunted houses and then start freaking out over supposed things happening, their dreams being bad and scary, sounds, shadows, and more. I watch skeptics deal with such claims by saying it is all in their head, imagination, there is nothing inherently spooky about any of these things, no ghosts.

I agree with them, to about 95%, which might surprise you to read. There IS nothing "portal opening" or "hell unleashing" about tarot or the Ouija in themselves. They are just physical items which some people ascribe other meanings to. What your problem is, if you are suffering "hauntings" from them or fear or nightmares is how YOU relate to them and how your mind is trained to interpret what they are and do. If under it all you do think the Ouija Board is a portal that interacts with bad things, if under it all you are scared of it or think it is evil to mess with, then you will have issues. This is rooted in your own psyche, your own guilt, your own reality. You need to learn from hitting this little Wall, and back off and stop with the stupid and accept this about yourself. Do what your belief system needs to flush the bad away from you and move on. 

OR, you need to face what it all reveals about your own reality and limits and truths and deal with those, deal with your subconscious (or shadow self) and start working on changing in ways you choose and see as more true and right. For some, the best answer is to become a skeptic and deny it all and close that door of potential forever for this life. For others, it begins a dark road towards eventual madness, futility, and/or achieving Mastery. There are a great many Walls ahead after the first ones. This is not fast, it takes a lifetime or longer. It is not a hobby. 

I recently read a poster here claiming a lot of things and all of it was classic Wall. There was also abuse in the person's youth, but that is incidental for an Adept and sadly common. The better you know yourself the easier it becomes to process such trauma. I have gone through this and so I do know what I am saying. The trouble is that in the early stages of the effort to learn and explore seeming "gifts", the natural progression is pure ego, which rises fast towards a degree of mania with some success and while these people can struggle like a fly in fly tape against a Wall, they won't see it. They reject the need for help, they reject advice unless it caters to their ideas, they are convinced they are wiser than pretty much anyone else who does not agree with them and that they are alright, really. Anyone who thinks they are alright is someone who has no idea what they are talking about, but, are close enough to not hurt many folks.

The good thing is that the early Walls can be recovered from through almost anything out there. Go to a religion and adhere for some structure, go to therapy, become a skeptic (structure also). You need a reality pattern to accept and imprint to get back into the fabric of "reality". 

Some roads, after a point, this is not going to work and you really need to have experienced Elders or top notch spiritual guides to help you navigate safely. Vodou is a tradition which features Elders and a hierarchy to provide guidance and some protections. Some others have this in some form. Most do not, and you need to ask the question "why not?" because if it does not make any, then why waste your own time on it? 

Others say they are eclectic, and don't need all that rank and authority garbage (because they are their own humble and benevolent and all wise king or queen). OK, so why are you posting to strangers for help or advice, then? 

Others ask how one gets Guides like that to help them do more and better? This goes back to "you can be anything you want to be". Nice words but not true. I will never be a rock star this lifetime. It was never going to happen. Makes no difference what I want. You have everything you need to become what you came here to do. If being an adept shaman was among those things to do for you, you have the guides already who will help you achieve what you need to do. If it wasn't in your own original plan, you won't. Makes no difference what you want. 

But, there are some options to pursue.

************ end of part 1************ part 2 in a couple days

Not A Rockstar

The Point: Transformation

In a few months, I will hit the big six-oh, much to my astonishment. I always expected to die real young and if you knew me, you would understand why. I always had a wide (think skunk stripe LOL) streak in me of The Fool of tarot fame, that blend of naïve and fearlessness that can lead to almost anywhere and any ending of a story. But, for me there was only ever one Goal for all of my adventuring into the spiritual world and pursuit of "why" and "god?". I wanted to find out The Truth, and I was not satisfied with the person I was. I believed I was designed to be more than the emotionally abused and confused and lost kid I was way back then who saw things nobody else did and heard things no one else seemed to hear either. It has been a long road, many ups and downs, too.

Lord, looking back, I have been a fundie Christian, a tarot reader, a medium, a Vodou Asogwe ranked Initiate (Bishop basically in Haitian Vodou. That is as high as Initiations go in that tradition). I have been a lot of other things as well. A Shaman, a cop (retired now), military vet in the war, homeless and living in a Salvation Army shelter (that was a brief phase, soon as I got work I was out and back to supporting myself, but it happened and was a good experience in growing I am not ashamed of). To me, this is what life is for, covering a lot of ground, learning, finding things out for myself, enjoying every moment of it and what I could not enjoy, then finding out the meaning in it.

There actually is The Truth out here. I have found parts of it. Some of the things I have been I still am. Some of it I am not sure what to do with anymore. I have outgrown it but it remains a large part of what I know and so I feel a need to kind of acknowledge that. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe I am right. I will sort it out. 

I want to tell you this. If you ever learn anything from anything I ever write or say, learn this: Go out and find out. You do not need to take anyone's word for anything. Go, find out, and live, for your sake while you have time and breath in your lungs. Don't be afraid. Don't let the bullies scare you off either, and God knows there are growing hordes of those wearing all different kinds of hats. Some are fundies who will assure you in high glee you are on the highway to hell. Some are sceptics who will be as vicious assuring you that you need psychiatric intervention and drugs. You deserve only what you have the brass to brush off and go on despite it, that is what they are around for, I think. Distractions. 

When I was a cop we had to qualify often with weapons and we'd go out and fire in day and then at night with lights flashing and the trainers screaming and harassing us to compare our accuracy in both situations. You had to pass no matter what, both times. It works the same way in pursuit of anything occultic or paranormal. Like being a cop, it can get you killed and it can snap your temper and reason as well. 

It can also make you the unique person you are and set you on a firmer foundation of answers to the questions you have asked to learn this lifetime. It can temper you to not be bothered by ridicule or sneers, you can know what you know, and be at ease with the great lot you do not know - and know others do not know for a fact either.

If you will learn a second thing from me, then let it be this - don't get in a rut or think it is over with. Keep asking and searching and learning and don't worry about how it looks to anyone else. This is all about you.

As a few of you know, my latest foray in study has been the Catholic faith in depth. I am applying myself to that right now with the same intensity and exactitude as I have studied everything else along the way. Naturally, my focus is on the mystical aspects of it more than the straight up liturgy. I was already and long since grounded in early church history, so that bit is easy. I am even taking the classes at the local Parish, which will run for several more months. I have no idea yet if I will actually join at the end of it, but it has been an interesting break to actually kick back and have someone tell me things for once, then go and see what I think about what was taught. I am learning vastly more outside of class about it, but, it is all interesting and a good place to be for me right now, and interesting to find many things that overlay what I already know, and things which challenge it all. 

A lot of these folks I already know from other places, like Michael the Archangel, and Jesus Christ, both of those guys are tremendous friends of mine, proven many times. Quite real, too, whatever anyone thinks or tries to say. So, I have a few friends there when I walk in to the Church and have made a few more.

I am writing about this to assure anyone who wonders or feels awkward about where they are that it is alright, and you have freedom to explore wherever you feel is best for you to check out next. Compared to the value of your soul, if you believe you have one (I definitely do), what anyone else thinks matters about as much as cold ramen. Do not stop searching and go ahead and work on becoming the person you hope to be in the end, whenever that comes along for you. 

Me? Hell. I was never a "good" Adept in Vodou as I considered it horsestuff that a real spirit needed me to kill an animal to feed it, so I did not ever do that and still got wanga done which rocked a few worlds of jerks. I worked with spirits who did not need that superstitious happy crap and did just fine. I probably won't be a perfect Catholic either if I join up, because you cannot unlearn some things I have seen and know to be true.

But, you know? In the end, we just have to do the very best we know to do, be true to ourselves, and live our lives as the best man or woman we know how to be. Some are going to hate you some will love you, some will like you anyway. 

Which would still be true even if you sit home and buy into the party line and never take a risk.

Love you all.

I write to serve.

Not A Rockstar

Past Life Recall? Trouble Part 3

LMAO, Yes, Mom enjoyed Mass, thanks for asking. You know who you are.

______________________________________

Like my "reward" of being allowed to remember a small amount of my previous life, and actually walk a street and see some of my kin from that lifetime, before walking on, I think some real memories are allowed, even planned for, when we can process both sides of the issue. This can also be a problem if we deal with it wrongly. 

I was Native American a few lives ago. I know the group, and where we were going and why when I saw my young wife cut down like an animal by the troops before I could do anything to save her and felt how my whole desire to live another hour left me in that horrified moment. They killed me, too, of course, but in reality it was suicide. I could not live after seeing her cut down that way. Later, my Chief would say "I will fight no more, forever" and I understood it in that moment as she fell dead and I died inside. 

The sheer arrogance and barbarism of these white people coming from other lands and just thinking to make off with the land, the life, the world of another people and treat them like savages not worth living just as much is beyond me to ever comprehend. My young wife was cut down like a coyote and butchered twice more in the throat by a cur dog who did not deserve to even breathe the same air she did. But, the winners write the history so we have "Manifest Destiny" and "Little House on The Prairie" and "Sea to shining sea", today. Needless to say there was no way and no chance the young warrior who died back then was ever going to comprehend and make a fair judgment about his life.

However, after living as a white man for more than a couple decades, I have a little more perspective. It has taken me a few years to work through the deep feelings and rages. There is no one to talk this sort of thing over with. Back when I was here before on another account, I had a Native American friend who I told the story to who understood and was my one luxury at the time over it. He did help me to find some peace in it all and a sense of not being isolated away from "my" people, no matter how it looks. He is gone now, and so is the account I once was on UM. One of those meetings for a mutual purpose, perhaps.

Not a lot has changed though the passions and madness is gone over her death. It was wrong, all of it was wrong, and there is not any excuse for how the Natives were treated in their own lands by the invasions of aliens they faced. The same happened in Australia, and more recently is happening to Europe. Invaders do not care, and will not see anyone there before them as more valuable nor as anything other than "in the way" if they want more than they get. 

This memory and my need to process it is personal and offered as an example of why a memory might come through for a person. It has brought me peace, some understanding, but the final conclusion that I was not wrong then to see what they did as evil and wrong, and I still see it that way. Deeply, it burns.

But, it leaves me now with a new challenge. Now that I know these things and have this hidden insight into an issue like this, what am I to DO with it now? 

This body lacks a single drop of NA blood in it. I have no tribal connections and if I tried to approach my original people they'd roll their eyes about the loony white wanna be injun. I cannot help or be helped there. I am not some famous spokesperson who might activist for a cause for a tribe. After Katrina I did directly raise and transport into Golden Meadows Louisiana loads of supplies and heaters for the tribe there who was demolished by the storm. I heard about the need at the same pow wow I saw the Eagle flying in to respond and dance with the dancers there. I told the man who spoke about the need I would go and he nodded and looked bored and away and I recognized the usual "Yeah, ok, want a medal?" reaction, but, he did give me an email for the Council down there.

I went, the non-profit I was on the Board for paid for it, thousands of dollars was raised by Pagan Emergency Services Personnel across the country in days, and it doesn't matter. Suffering was eased. That matters. This is all I know to do, learn my insight, respond when I hear and can, always be on guard against devaluation of a race, arrogance, hatred, bullying, abusiveness. I may be white this life, but, I don't have to fit stereotypes and I can take pride in our better times and regret and not excuse our worse times and know in my heart the humble truth that you just never know who you once were, or what you once suffered or what mercy you found from a person like you are today. I pray to God no one has a past life memory of me doing something as hateful as what I saw happen to my wife back then on our run to Canada, but probably, someone does, and for that I am sorry. 

If more people understood this as they spew racist jokes or epithets and relish hatred and nurse a sense of grievance that they will be due to ride the rail on the other side of the hatred as well and experience the fruits of all that fostered hate, if they haven't already. I hope the day comes when we can get over all this self inflicted pain and get on with just living and working on the problems together.

The topic is reincarnation, however, but, I have shared all this to support my conclusion here about the topic. Most people I know who have memories are processing them and gaining the insights and working to do well with them, correct, resolve past issues within ourselves and move forward with this life. Not one of them ever was Cleopatra that they know of, nor Marc Anthony  either. They do not post on forums or spread their banal little tales around about being stone cutters or street thieves back then because they have other things to do than defend against accusations they cannot prove that Nebet ever lived, or if there is some mention of this Nebet that it is the same Nebet so they are just lying and making up things. Perhaps, it is sometimes accused, because they need to feel special.

Maybe the point is that we are NOT special, nor are you, and behind you is a great deal of experience you only know a fraction of that is playing out on many levels. To sometimes feel sad I lack the sense of tribal inclusion and belonging which is absent in my white world, and there being a closed door to feeling that again in this life is "special"? It was, once. Not today and not here and now. I am on track and doing what I came here to do, and when it comes to reincarnation, this is some of the ground I have covered in this lifetime and remembered. The chef was the most important fellow I recall being within his tiny world, chefs are like that. They are the gods of the kitchen. The rest were ordinary in their lifetimes. 

The beauty of it is that it doesn't matter if you believe in reincarnation, or not. Some of us seek a meaning in being here, and for a few there are these memories which harken back to times and lives we never knew in this one. Reincarnation provides one avenue for explaining and understanding and moving on from it a bit better off for the insight.

Wishing you well!

I write to serve.

Not A Rockstar

Past Life Recall? Trouble Part 2

So, where can trouble come into the equation when speaking of past life memories and the natural curiosity of people to want to know what lives they lived before, if any of it is even true?  Why, if these really are lives you lived at one time, would the "System" blank your mind out about any of them?

Here are the main reasons:

1. You are working out a past issue with someone else and for it to go well, neither of you need to know about that previous relationship right now.

2. There can be a major moral issue in one lifetime you need to resolve or else experience the other side of it thoroughly before you can do that to your satisfaction, so, this life you do not remember being a slave/slave holder/murderer/victim. This life you want to experience the other point of view of it so you can see the whole and understand it fully.

In the information about reincarnation, it is said that we decide these things before we are born. Some believe we really detail many of our experiences and relationships before we come here. We supposedly have guides with us throughout to make sure we make these critical meetings to accomplish what we came to get done this go round. This is nearly the only job "guides" actually have. They keep us on the schedule we set out for ourselves. 

Why Do Some People Have Memories of A Lot of Lifetimes?

Some people do have more memories than others. The general thought is that the higher you evolve the more you know about both sides of yourself and the closer to fusion you are with your whole (your higher self and your embodied self) so knowing many, or even all, your past lives would make sense in such a case.

The trouble is, this type of person is not going to be posting youtube videos telling you how exalted they are and how they speak with the archangels daily or extra-terrestrials. A truly elevated being like that doesn't even concern themselves with what you think, nor do they have to. Their focus is on whatever reason has them still lingering down here in the world. To meet someone like this you know already, you know right away, they are not the usual person. Peace, something extremely special seems to flow around them, and they exude and ooze love. I do not see auras, never have, so I consider myself like the majority reading this and so I will mention that around them it is as if they emanate light you cannot see. Just being around them lifts your heart and for me, it encourages me to keep trying and working hard. I have run into a couple of them is all. Both seemed to be homeless, but, I do not know for a fact this was the case. They were on the streets, anyway, one in Cairo and the other time I ran into one was in a major United States city. I am sure there are others. It is not as if I get around that much. You can feel their specialness, I think a rock could. It is almost scary.

So, moving on, most of those claiming they remember hundreds of lives are full of it, in my opinion. I began with fragments of one life. I now know more of that first memory, more than maybe people usually do but, I had to reincorporate a lot of the learning and skills in that life and work on them during this one. Even so, it is superficial. What I need to know is clear, what supports it and places it in context is no clearer than must be for the context to be evident. 

Besides this, I have worked for decades on it, and can recall now about five other life experiences to some degree. Some, like the brief one in WW1, just the moments leading up to my death and that death of gassing in the trenches in France, somewhere. One, my previous one here, I think was a late reward to me to explore and enjoy and learn about without causing any problems for anyone. It came late, not when I was young and eager and full of more "stoopid". I was a major chef in New Orleans, the restaurant remains there in the family, and it has given me great joy to explore a few facts of his life and verify and see it is going well. I have a wicked gumbo recipe I still make once in a while in this life nobody can beat, and no, I have never entered the establishment nor do I ever plan to. Abuse it and lose it is the way I understand the rules of the game. That life is not this one beyond the coincidence I live in the same state now. To be able to access a few recipes and remember and smile and take a distant pride that something remains of it is a good thing, a little reward, and a surprise. I mean, I had never supposed I was once a chef and huge personality like he was, but, there it is. We did share a fatal flaw, though, and I find that very educational. His official cause of death is different from the truth. I am alright with that. He was mistaken, he was wrong, and I have been wrong the very same way myself many times and hope we can learn this and move on to a more constructive resolution so I do not have to wrestle with it ever again.

How Can Remembering Be Trouble?

Obsession, derailing your whole reason for being here, derailing other people, being wrong, being delusional, the list doesn't end easily.

Our jobs are to live this life. This one. Everything you need to know came with you. Most of us have simple, human things we still have to get right, like how to succeed, or be moral, or learn charity or fidelity. For some, there is the goal to explore matters of faith and try on a few to experience them and come to some conclusions about them. 

I know many people who have gone through regression therapy sessions and discovered a past life in which some of their present emotional ills seem to be rooted in. By seeing the original life in their memories, this often resolves it in a positive way and frees them to move on with less baggage and bewilderment. It can be very positive.

The trouble comes in when people get obsessed with the notion they were once X. If it was in the (safely) distant past this just becomes a sad hang up. If it was like my memories of a recent past life where there remain descendants and physical locations a few hours drive away it can become a psychotic nightmare. I have never made any contact with that life directly. I know quite clearly it has zero to do with what I am doing in this lifetime. It was a reward, because I know this and was not going to abuse it. It has been fun to explore some public details, walk by the place, note changes, and feel some vicarious pride in the past. That the shadows between the two lives are so alike is distressing to me and I hope to find a way to overcome and beat it and make it into a positive form. I just need to learn the answer to a fundamental question billions of lives before and after me will struggle with - a sense of being unloved, of not being valued as highly as one desires to be. That may be the Big Question for many of us under it all.

But, you can imagine what would happen rapidly if I became convinced I needed to make contact with these people of my past, and became a stalker or something, obsessed with feeling I deserved to be there, deserved their successes today, was still kin of a sort. If lucky, I would be in a hospital. If not, I would be in prison or dead of getting shot breaking in. This is inane and ridiculous, and yet would be true for many and thus is one reason why we do not have memories.

____

Need to head out and take Mother to Mass, so will finish in part 3 later. Take care.

Not A Rockstar

Past Life Recall? Trouble Part 1

Recently, I enjoyed a wonderful conversation with an old, very knowledgeable friend, on the subject of reincarnation and past life memory. Like me, he is often asked questions about aspects of the esoteric and our discussions began with him sharing a post from someone asking why, if reincarnation is true, did this person not have any past life memories. Suffice it to say we have fun talking about reincarnation in general with each other before he went back to his inbox and I went to my own. But, it seemed a good topic for my overdue blog post, so here are my thoughts on the subject, in general.

Is Reincarnation True?

I do not think anyone can prove this, either way, but there are reams of compelling stories which seem to support it. Opposed to this are sceptics who deny it across the board, but, they sort of have to. I mean if we do not have souls at all, and end upon death, there is nothing to reincarnate with anyway. But, true or not is really not a critical point to believe in. The vast majority of us here are all about living this life, and the challenges raised in it, and getting it right the best we can. It is not relevant if this is the first time or tenth we have faced the same issue or how we failed at it before. As a result, this has never been a topic I spent much time teaching back when I was doing that heavily. 

Is Reincarnation An Eastern Religious Concept?

It is true that in India this is taken so far it creates a caste system there of low to high, but, in the West it survived apart from that as a more general and normalized passage all souls go through after a death, before returning again to live anew, rather like a string of pearls. For most in the West, it is not even a religious concept, but a private belief apart from their religion, due to other factors. There are those who say that Christianity denies it happens, so it is false, and a lot of Christians who think there may be truth to it. Many Pagan belief systems accept it, but, not all do. So, yes there is an Eastern view of it and a Western view of it and the two do not reconcile into a religion or religious dogma for both of them.

Why Do Some People Have Past Life Memories? Are these real? 

Because I lean more heavily to belief in reincarnation as being possible than not, I would say yes, some of them are true. I know I have some memories of my own, which are why I do tend to believe. Not all of them are, though, maybe even most of the loudest claims you will find online these days are false claims. Back in the 70's when this first got really big in the West, every girl I knew had been Cleopatra before. I knew several Marie Antoinettes, two Alexandras and... well, really that was it for the girls. The guys varied, some Merlins, a few Alexanders, only one King Tut surprisingly, and a couple Pattons.

Mind you, these were the ones talking loudly and for whom at the time it plainly meant a great deal. In hindsight, I see this as a very young and naïve period in the Western spiritual evolution and not one of these folks today is still spouting much of anything about the whole topic. It served me well, because I felt so minor to not have a memory like all of that. Mine was really small beside all that grandeur. It started in poverty and sank to worse when I was taken away by raiders to become a slave boy who nearly ended quite badly and predictably in the vices of the times. I did not tell many about it, worked on it hard, meditated on it deeply, was intensely curious and dubious, to be honest with you. I got more recall but nothing I was able to verify today. Not a single thing, for a long time. But, it did serve me in those years in encouraging me to meditate a lot in the first place as young as I was, and when it faltered, I would get a flash of another memory and that would have me refreshed and looking into a new window into my supposed past lives.    

The question is WHY would someone have a true memory anyway? From a life that is over with, one would suppose it is useless now. The answer is that it is not useless to you right now. That life had some issue you still deal with now, or it can provide an insight into some problem you wrestle with now. Things you got to face again to finally sort out, or a skill you need to pick up and take farther this go round. 

I do  think that many people have past life memories. Just they do not label them that way. An affinity to somewhere you never have been at all, the odd recognition of something you cannot possibly know, maybe, but, not a clear memory of knowing who you were, what was happening, what it looked like, what it smelled like, how it felt. I do think they can have at least a few minute glimpse into one of their past lives. Most will decide it is a dream or from some book or movie they watched. Maybe so. Maybe not. Maybe you watched that movie because the "dream" was true and you felt drawn to it. Maybe you really are just fantasizing. But, this will require you to seriously soul search and determine the truth of it. I can't do it for you. The main test is, what did this glimpse show me? What does it shed light on for me today? What was the same? What is not? If something, then use it and be happy. If nothing, then it is "neato gee whiz" stuff - have fun and move on. Don't get side tracked. Too many people seem to be consumed by this past life drama, and why? Live now. Being Cleo once before will not pay for your coffee at Starbucks.

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Still recovering from a near fatal game of tag team with the flu so will end this here and come back to it as more comes to mind. My mental file structure for writing it just went out on a smoke break and I don't smoke anymore :o

 

Not A Rockstar

About Drugs and "Enlightenment"

I had been in the hike to learn all I can about the paranormal and transformative spirituality my entire life. Soon into it I was helping other people along the way and getting the occasional help and insight myself. The really active years once I escaped the house to college were in the 70's and drugs were everywhere, then. Lots of dope and alcohol, and not yet any awareness, if at all, about the hazards. 

An allergic reaction to it kept me away from pot. I am better than a drug dog when around it, one whiff and my sinuses close off. Needles freak me the heck out so I did not experiment with anything that needed one of those horrors. I was too hyper to tolerate speed or uppers. Ludes were more expensive where I went to college so on my budget not anything easy to abuse. It was basically a choice, pizza or a lemmon.... I survived on pizza.

This was all fortunate for me, because it was not until much later and seeing a lot of examples in real life, that I began to really grasp the destruction that drugs can cause. In my freshman year I met a guy who was the most brilliant and effervescent fellow you can imagine. He was wanting to get to med school, had a mind I could only dream about having. Just brilliant and rapidly became the best friend I had ever had to that point in my life. He was cool, too, he smoked pot a lot, and my parents would have hated that (+1) and everyone liked him and wanted to be with him, of course. I was a bit boring in comparison (-1). Such is life. We were both working on campus that summer to earn tuition money, but once school started I didn't see him much. I was pursuing religion and history and he was in biology and chemistry sorts of things. The few times I ran into him, he seemed distracted or vague and I wrote it off to busy with school, as I was. It was not until one evening I was in the caf after dinner studying for some quiet and he came in and after a pause, came over to me to sit down and it kind of hurt me to see that pause, as if he didn't really want to see me at all.

He looked bad for him. The slick guy all the girls adored was looking rough, he was restless, antsy, hair long and needing a good wash. Mine was long, too, but, I kept it clean, was kind of vain about it. This was not my friend of the summer just past. Even the way he talked was wrong. He slurred some words, had trouble expressing things with the clarity he'd had, and his once sparkling eyes looked haunted. We talked a while and finally our old trust rekindled and he admitted he didn't know what was wrong but he didn't feel the same anymore and was not going to pass second semester, would not be coming back next year.

He tried to laugh a lot and talked as if as before, we were in tune and thought alike, but, what he said was not the guy I had known before. He hated school, he didn't care about anything but he did talk a lot about pot. Finally, I could take no more of it and told him he had changed, and he had to stop with the pot and get himself back together, he was acting as if he was fried.

For a moment tears welled in his eyes, for a moment I saw the guy I had known in his gaze as our eyes met, and he whispered, "I am. It is all gone." Then the moment was gone and he was laughing it off and talking about a party coming up and soon was out the door for another joint. I never saw him again. I have also never forgotten him or stopped caring about the destruction something so harmless had done to a man destined to be one of our finest doctors someday. It cut me awfully deep and was perhaps a valuable lesson for a 19 year old to get shoved into his face undeniably. Especially as soon after this my personal searching for God led me to work on shamanism intensively about then and explore some of the things I had been doing at times in my growing years that were similar.

What fried my dear friend was the common practice of "cutting" lower grade weed with pharmaceuticals. Angel dust/PCP was commonly used, other drugs. Heck, I have heard then of rat poison being used. If you were a hippie in my day, you probably heard similar going the rounds of gossip where you went to school. You had to be careful, real careful, not only of the dealers but also of the product. As his tolerance had built he had gone with the weed from dealers which still gave him a kick, and that had been "walked on" and "cut" and it fried all that brilliance away. May have been in one real bad high, or over a few, but, he was not coming back from that cooking of his brain. We all in that age group remember the ads of eggs in a frying pan and the words "This is your brain on drugs". It is true, when you hit the wrong thing, and too late then. It does not heal up 100% after a point of no return.

The New Age and neo-Shamanism was and is an easy crutch for dopers to justify drug use and abuse as spiritual practices. They point to indigenous examples where some hallucinogens are used and justify getting high on pretty much anything as if it was the same thing and the things they saw when hallucinating or suffering flashbacks later as if these were visions, similar to the ones in the Bible. Many who have done this way too much see things all the time which serve no purpose at all and think of it as if it was their "gift" or power and nothing about it is useful for anything and most of it is actually psychosis as the damaged brain loses certain parameters and filters for interpreting reality. 

Modern psychology can prescribe things that can mute some of the repercussions for a victim of this but there really is no way to repair and replace damage of this sort. The visions are nothing but symptoms, the bug eyed little people they see are cartoons of a wounded mind parroting random drivel from the brain, not deep insights into the State of Man. I am grieving with all my heart right now as I write, remembering my friend and many other wounded addicts I have dealt with since then. I am thankful for those who have gotten out of that free fall, but, not enough ever did escape the lure of oblivion or escape and laughter or crazy dreamed adventures for long. That stage does not last. It does not stay fun or optional and free willed.

I have said it in other posts and I will say it again, as a competent shaman sitting here in the present, who can journey and do readings and speak with spirits and all the things half my friends adamantly do not believe in but still like me as a person (thank you for that), you do not need drugs to fly. In fact, they will limit you if your real dream this life was to see something and be able to know for yourself if it is true and Something More is out there.

Listen to me, I have tears in my eyes as I am typing this from my heart to you. You need to be terribly sane and stable and whole to ever become a Master in anything out here, be it paranormal or hard core science.

To ever be in a chat and simply shift without effort and see the person you are typing to as if they are right before you and see the troubles in their life as they ask you for advice and be able to answer them with truth, you need to be all there. You have to be these solid things to live the sort of crazy life that will give to you the experience to even grasp the things they struggle with. You need every filter and healthy cell of your brain to process the sometimes truly bizarre imagery of the Other Realms to get the data you need for a task handed to you by Spirit. You need all of your IQ to excel in physics to grasp that new insight which leads to a new discovery. You need all your comprehension skills to understand and excel in chemistry.

Drugs are a lie as any sort of shortcut to any sort of enlightenment. Some of what one use can do is shift something and forever mess you up in how you perceive things. Call it a "tea" call it whatever you want, it is a lie. Do not accept it if a friend claims spirituality as his reason to use. Do not trust it as something just to "relax" to study better in a girlfriend. Do not accept it as anything but a lie. Walk away.

Just as you would go to college or at least read serious books if a deeper knowing of astronomy was your passion, so also must you pursue Spirit and your own growth if your passion leans towards the esoteric. Both desires take time, and work, and effort and learning above all else how to discern between something real and something that is a pipe dream. Your college responds by providing learning opportunities and structure for those goals. Spirit does the same and will help you fulfill what really is your own purpose. If you do not do all the work, you will never be a doctor... or a shaman.

Drugs go with neither dream. Pipe dreams are only that - smoke on the wind and then gone. At least a waste of time, at most a waste that lives on for life. 

Do as you will, but, do not lie to yourself about indigenous alleged practices you actually know nothing about as being some sort of way to enlightenment. At best it is like buying your degree from a diploma mill. Say whatever you wish to claim but you do not have "it". You hold nothing.

I write to serve.

Not A Rockstar

Karma, The Big Wheel, pt 2

Like the Karma concept, this topic is coming around again on me. I got a few questions after posting the first part of this, which I expected to stay a one post topic, so I am expanding on what I am talking about a bit to answer those questions.

Some time ago, I started listening to channelings done by Lee Carroll of Kryon. I never have thought much of channels I have heard before over the years. It is always weird and doom and gloom and if it is of a historical person, they never seem to talk or think the way history tells us the person was. But, I got to listening to this guy, one channel on youtube and ended up letting it auto-play. His tone, his spirit, his ideas were all refreshing and got me thinking. I did not agree with it all, but, I never ask that even of my friends. I like to be made to think, why does this resonate? Why does that make me recoil? What do I really think about this? I found myself nodding a great deal as I listened and played one of my games while the talks ran on and on.

The results have been obvious and welcome for me. My depression has backed so far off I don't think I am depressed anymore. Free of that my creativity is beginning to flow again and I have been back to my sci fi writing and have started a new website, even. I don't lose my temper like I used to do a lot, and when I do I see it and stop it real quick. My views have changed, kundalini entered my life overtly, which I have written about. It is all positive, so what can I say about that? It is not for everyone and if you cannot accept that when he references Lemuria and Atlantis that he is just using them as what we call two prior civilizations, and has never once said that was their real name, then don't trouble yourself. He covers a lot of ground, this has been going on for about twenty years now I believe.

But, one of the things he talks about as being fundamental and necessary for progress in personal change and growth is to learn to love ourselves, chill out on the critical attacking some of us are prone to do to ourselves. He says we have to stop with that and accept ourselves as we are lovingly and work from there to improve in ways we choose. He is not the first to tell me something like this, I have a big spirit in Vodou who used to get upset with me for this very thing. I remember one time that shocked me, he said that if someone else beat me up as bad as I beat up myself, he would kill them. 

That is pretty severe. I have been working on this for a long time. 

Some people think that releasing karma as I have talked about in my first post is about forgiving and forgetting, being weak and goody two shoes, and I don't see it, myself. It is about releasing the debts owed to you in order to be freed of those you owe. In doing this, the emotional baggage eventually drops away. Things that once hurt you and wrapped you up in anger and hurt suddenly are just things that happened before. I am not sure how better to emasculate an enemy than by honestly no longer being affected or caring about what he or she did. They lose their power over you, they become meaningless to you in this way. It is less about being somehow noble or good enough to forgive and forget than it is about dropping the past and freeing yourself to get on with the potentials of the future with that clear. The depression which has dogged me for years has floated off somewhere and there remain problems and issues to deal with in my life but I am not as hampered as I felt before to deal with them. 

Releasing karma is said to be a major early step towards advancing in your spiritual progression. I don't think of it this way, though, given that if you buy into all that is said about it we have supposedly lived hundreds of lifetimes here to reach this point. This point... where I am so advanced I only sometimes cuss out the guy who cuts me off in traffic... I have a long way to go yet. But, if this will help, then so be it. It did more to exorcise my shadows than any one other thing I have done.

I write to express and share ideas, not sell them to anyone. Free will rules and we all choose our roads, our attitudes, our filters and how we see the world and ourselves. I consider one verse in the Bible, which speaks about judging things by their fruits, not what they look like. In other words, it can be a beautiful apple tree, but until you get the fruit from it and taste it, you do not know it is a good apple tree for sure. Judge things by the results. If your attitude draws negative responses from others, it might be negative. If something you are doing brings you peace and greater positivity, then it may be good for you. 

So, yes, I am exploring some new ideas for me, and so far I really like the results. If that changes then I will re-evaluate matters, because I am a strong advocate for positive change, for always striving for better ground and clearer understanding. If something does not work, I toss it. Life is too short for that mess.

I am writing about this not because I think everyone should do this and drop their karma or change how they see it, but because it never occurred to me we even could release it and be done with it. When I first heard about it, my first thought was "why?" Truth is I am not sure how we can ever work it all off. Even if you went into a monastery at a young age, you will get dinged somehow. For all the comparative good I have done in my life, I was still being crucified by depression and many nights wondered, Dear God, if karma is real what the hells did I do to warrant this? I have been down enough one wrong word from someone who really didn't matter that much could send me spiraling deeper into it. It was ridiculous, but real. Now it is just ridiculous. 

For me, this works and flows well with the rest of what I am working through. Maybe someday the idea will work for you now you have heard of it. Maybe it won't. 

But, if it made you think about how you see karma and if you believe it or not, it is a win. New ideas should do that, be interesting, and help clarify how you see the world as you agree or reject a new idea.

That is a good thing. 

Not A Rockstar

Karma, The Big Wheel

When it is time to write a new post I look for synchronicities when deciding what to write about. Lately, it has been karma, The Wheel in tarot, and how bogged down we can become in life and circumstances and feel as if nothing will really change. It can be as if we simply spin our wheels and bog down more in the experience of our life. I grew up with this idea under it all, the constant adage that what goes around comes around, you reap what you sow.

But, you know what? It never seemed to work like that for everyone. I have observed so many people just seeming to be richer by the day from messing others over. I have watched the truly wicked just rise to the top and never seem to pay for it all. Maybe, they pay in other ways, but, when you are broke yourself, having a bit of wealth doesn't seem that bad, right? It was hard for me for many years to understand these things. I talked about and even bought into the notion of karma, but, I cannot honestly say I believed in it as a real force at work out there, within the paradigm of belief I had at most points in my life.

These days, I am working with a much better framework for me and when for the billionth time my lady remarked in my hearing that "what goes around, comes around" as we heard about a person we knew who had seemingly gotten what was coming to him, I was reminded of this karma thing. 

It is a real effect, I think now, but maybe not the way I thought of it before. We get that bogged down effect because we really do not change how we react or perceive things, and we cannot change easily because of the sheer weight of it it seems. In a way it is like we are all nailed to this wheel that never stops turning, and so we keep doing the same things over and over, in cycles and experiencing many of the same challenges and issues, and good things and lucky breaks. It is not all bad. 

Trying to generate "good" karma, to repair past wrongs done is an exercise in limited returns for me. I really do not know very many specific things I have done wrong to others which might incur bad karma. On the whole, my life is pretty good. IF it is true that we live more than one life, then good luck sorting out things I have no memory of. Human nature makes it a lot easier to remember wrongs done to us than things we have done wrong to others. We also are pretty blind things. Most of us, if we really were aware of the consequences of our behavior to someone else would not do it if we knew it would hurt them somehow. We do things because we can be blind to this.

So, is there an answer? Actually, yes, there is, and it is pretty amazing and has really far ranging impacts for us and others. But, there is a price tag on it as well. Some are not ready to pay that.

OK, so tell us "Rockstar" what it is and move on please....

We can instruct our self to release it all and get off that damn wheel is what it is. Let it go, all the good owed to us, give it up. Poof. All the wrongs done to us, give it up and let it go. Poof. Nothing owed to me karmically. Poof. Nothing owed by me karmically. Poof. As we forgive, we receive forgiveness. As we release, we receive release ourselves from this gunk. Every time I catch myself mulling over some past wrong done to me, (and I can be bad for this, I can be an Olympic class brooder and sulker) I remind myself and let it go, forgive it again, send a good thought the way of the person I was blaming and move on again. At first, I did this a lot. At first it was a struggle to sincerely forgive some of those folks behind me. Now, it doesn't come up that much anymore and I cannot begin to tell you how much lighter and better I feel. I do not care anymore about those people. The once charged memories are now just things, and no longer pain me the way they did. Yeah, people have hurt my feelings and efforts. But, I have done the same to others. I have been less mature and responsible and aware in how I have acted. So have they. Their growth and improvement is not my issue, only mine is and so I choose to move on and get off the wheel. 

It is forming the clear intent in your mind, and vocalizing it and then following through and retraining yourself to not think that way anymore, to move on and expect things to change slowly, and new ground to start turning up for you as you progress in really letting go of this dead weight. It can take a while and be a process. Some hurts run very deep and I know it, but begin with what you can and know it all has to go in the end, all has to be released, and work on it. I have had people tell me this hurt or that event cannot be healed, it is too big, and I have to tell you that it can. The only limit is you, and if you can grow enough to let it go and be free of it. Our pain, our losses, our past do not have to define us all the way to our grave. 

That big wheel may keep on turning, but, nothing says we have to stay on it. 

I write to serve.

Not A Rockstar

Kundalini Rising: Month Two Plus

Just noticed it has been over two months, now, closer to three, really, since I unexpectedly experienced an awakening of Kundalini. It seems a good time to post an update about it and some of what I have learned over the past time of living with it.

I knew nothing about this until it happened, but, was no stranger to sensing things or seeing things or working with energy. Years ago I got all my Reiki Mastery attunements just to see what that was all about, was a Pentecostal Christian for some years and raised on the Holy Ghost. The occasional people who claim this is all nonsense and not real have no weight with me. There are a lot of real things out here that others need to deny and create their own negative bias to support for their own reasons, That has nothing to do with me or my life. I do not lie nor am I delusional, thanks.

This has been an interesting phase though for the research I have come across about it. Since my last post on kundalini, I have run into one guy who assures me it is demonic and requires deliverance and adherence to a more pure form of Christianity. I find this sad, because I am sadly familiar with demonic activity and that never has anything to do with love, self discipline, or breaking of addictions such as drugs or pornography. Quite to the contrary when a demon is very much present in a life or attempting to subjugate a person's will. However, I have come to a better understanding of what it means to have free will and less concern when I run into people who are exercising their own. That person would not engage in discussion with me, in fact almost seemed unwilling to admit this was his position to me even though I asked him directly and his ideas were plain in something he had written. It was as if he did not expect someone who was experiencing "K" to ask him. Maybe he feared a fight about it, but, I don't care to bother with that. No need for it. I was interested in why he believed this after allegedly being an instructor of it for some years and presumably being competent in it at one time.

I will say this, it is like anything else. If you have a phenomenon, you will always have a fake turn up, and one or the other always gets the "demonic" branding. People delude themselves, or want something and so fake it, or else do what they think is really happening and then debunk their own fallacious "experience". 

I have been lucky. I have read an easy dozen reports about real issues some are having with K in their lives. I have read a neurologist claiming it is a mental health crisis in need of drugs to bring to a halt immediately. There have been a few posts about the "nofap" movement which seems to underlie K progression. As usual, there are those who work diligently all the time to make progress deeper into it, and a percentage who want to stop it entirely on the forum my primary mentor works to help people publicly. Some are extreme in dietary considerations, others are like me, just moving on with life the same as before, with occasional experiences of K arising and demanding more attention for a while more than always being at the back of my mind, 24/7.

Like my mentor, who is that because I have chosen him as my example, not that he has accepted me as a student, I feel a clear need to be out here, where I actually do not want to be, willing to talk about it and being available as a source of information for this experience. It is like the rest of the paranormal and religious explorations I have done over my lifetime, I cannot just indulge my own curiosity but do need to tell a few of the stories. 

It does not pay to fan the flames of a supposed paranormal experience and blow it all out of proportion. Experience has shown me that ignoring it and letting it force itself into my awareness and reveal what it actually is about gets me a more accurate assessment of what is truly going on. If it cannot do this, it is not significant enough to warrant me wasting time trying to sort it out. I took this approach with K as well, sort of went to ground after it happened, did not do anything to try to fire it up stronger, researched around, checked with my own known inner sources, took it as it came.

None of the psychotic episodes some describe came close to happening. I have not experienced any of the kriyas which seem very common (autonomous movements of the body apart from being the willed motions of the experiencer, often repetitious). That the energy can communicate clearly is true. Sometimes in bursts of insight, sometimes literal words. Different from Reiki, where you muster the energy and direct it, K has its own will and comes and flows as it wants to. Unlike Reiki, which seems to exist more as a gift for others to help and heal, K is basically all about you, changing you, opening your eyes to your own actions and your own place and significance in All Things. That is not anonymous, though, it points to a divine aspect of All Things. It illuminates an end point reality of being One with All and yet Unique, divinely unique at the same time. This is admittedly a challenging reality to grasp, but, I have seen it, glimpses, and have a vague understanding of where it all goes to. 

At this (extremely early) point, I have to conclude a few things about my experience. It does not pay to be one of those who try to force it to wake up and come into your life. Those seem to be the ones with all the major problems, drama and issues. Not knowing these folks personally, maybe that is how they deal with most things. I have always been more pragmatic and dogged about things. I always meditated a few times a day for short periods and still do. It came on its own. If it really is of God then it can deal with me where it found me. I have done nothing to try to inspire it to greater heights. I have not started yoga (pullease), changed my diet nor cut the wife off. I never had a porn addiction so that has not been something I have to wrestle with now to break. My main addiction was cigarettes and I quit those five years ago but it is not gone. My Dad's death last Winter had me instantly craving a smoke as if I had never quit at all. I had to actually go back on the gum and still chew it now and then trying to re-quit (though I did NOT light up. The pain, though, is real). 

Speaking more as a form of clergy (Vodou) with decades of experience (and not as a K rising person of great experience - which I am NOT), I think some of this extremism is inherent to East meets West and enthusiasm in people wanting to respond to a tremendous experience which seems to be like the very touch of God and divine Love. It is life changing, even for me who already has known that the Love of God is real, transforming and forever. For people who have never known that or perhaps even believed there was Someone Out There who loves them, this is the most important thing in life and they react accordingly. It is self validating, nobody can convince you it is not happening, it is not real and it is not there and alive, if you really have it going on. It got my attention, for all I have ever experienced over my life.

The way I see it, ok, K is here for me, now. So are some other facts of life for me and we will work on it as a team. I am all about God and loving Him back, but, I also have obligations. I am not going to diss the wife, I am not going vegan for anyone, I already do not eat a great deal of meat just because my tastes have changed over time but rules suck. I am not going to call it being a vegetarian. I will go to a steak house with anyone given the chance, and feel no remorse over it. Kundalini is not a religion and I am wary about accepting "rules" which have some of that odor to them, not simply good advice which helps one along the way.

So, what has changed? In my inner world, I am always accompanied with Other now. I am not alone. I knew this before but now, it is quite clear to me. I am beginning to grasp that Other is not really Other the way I thought before, but the word is useful to explain things, still. I see way more clearly than I ever did that free will controls almost everything out here in this experiential reality we share. Yours, mine, his, hers. As a result, you can say I care less about what others think, and you would be right. I deal with dissension a different way these days if I have to deal with it at all. People CHOOSE how they want to think and experience the world, so let them do that. The adults among them will allow you to do the same, the children are the ones who will try to insult and sneer and attack you for not being like them much like a flock of chickens will peck at the one without feathers until they kill it to force conformity. It leaves them with conformity, but not superiority.

There are bigger issues, larger fish to fry as it were, than worrying about opinions. I don't run with the flock, haven't for some time, and I finally see this and what a good deal it turns out to be. Kundalini has opened my eyes to this more clearly than I ever saw it before.

Not A Rockstar

Belief: Finding Your Own Path 6

How we see "god" varies among religions out there and there is somewhere for almost anyone. Atheism embraces the belief that nothing supports there even being a god, so there is no god at all.

Mainstream Christianity is defined by their belief in Jesus as the Son of God who manifested in the flesh and incarnated to bring God's love to life to the world through His actions and words. After His death and subsequent resurrection, a religion arose, principally through the efforts of Saint Paul, which is monotheistic, yet sees the godhead as being triune - God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. As this is the majority religion still in the West, it is one that is easily found and joined and learned about firsthand, and thus is a common place to start on a search for God. 

Christianity is one of a three-some which are all intertwined in region of the world they originated in and the general backstory they all embrace at least in part. It is related to Judaism and also Islam. All three of these, often referred to as "The Big Three" are mono-theistic and the supreme deity in them seems to be the same entity referred to. Differences abound otherwise.

Other than the Big Three, there is an array of other religions out there. In the East, we find Hinduism and Buddhism. Hinduism has a pantheon of divinities, Buddhism essentially seems to have none in one sense, it is more about following Buddha into ascension, or Nirvana. They revere Buddha but, it would be error to get confused (as I did as a kid) and think Buddha was 'god" for them. 

In the Orient we find a lavish array of religious thought, including Buddhist sects, Taoism, Confucianism and others. In a general survey, one could see these as schools of thought as much as a religious form. 

Outside of these main belief tracks, are a great many others. I do not like to refer to them as "Pagan" faiths as that is awfully dualist. By definition "Pagan" means non-Christian to most folks and the world is not black and white like that really. However, let us talk about some beliefs which identify as Pagan, themselves. 

Wicca is  perhaps one of the better known ones which was created in the UK in the first half of the 20th Century and was introduced out of the work of Gerald Gardner. It is based upon a lot of ancient hermetic and pagan motifs for the basic structure of the religion.  Since then it has split off into dozens of denominations within it with as many different approaches to the core beliefs as Christina churches do. While some have masculine deity forms included it is generally a Goddess based belief in the primary divinity worshipped. Generally speaking, it is not monotheistic. The diversity makes it very difficult to state firm facts about it as a whole. There are also many practitioners who follow their own private path in this faith structure and they can be very diverse in how they see the world and spirituality. Goddess or not, I have found them very easy about talking about Deity and not at all hostile to someone like myself who has a masculine view of God, as long as the discussion is mutual and non-hostile as well.

I do have to split the Wiccans I have met into two camps, which they themselves probably would not approve of. I have met some traditionalists as I think of it, and they seem to be pretty pure and looking to the old rites and ways and researching those and bringing them to date and to life. Druidism, some of the Nordic paths, and Tuatha de Dannan material (the Fae) are some of the related paths. The history and material and myths behind these traditions is marvelous.

I have also met New Age Wiccans who seem very different and are perhaps best known out in the mainstream. These are notorious for appropriating from other religions and filling facts in as needed. Most of these later settle into their own rich actual history, or end up moving on, to be honest. You can find a serious hodge podge of ideas and beliefs in this group and it is less structured by far. They see no issue with taking what they like from other traditions, and are really disliked by the traditions who have found their own sacred details used or abused in ways never intended by this group, but, there it is. I rarely consider these to be real Wiccans, it is an easy name to claim and people who have little real emotions and devotion involved find defamation easier. But, you will see the word used and claimed by some and find what they say and how they act to reveal the section I would put them in by their own doings. 

Shamanism is a rather universal early religion or spiritual path that seems to be worldwide, is a common stage for all early civilizations to pass through. It remains alive today in several forms. It is more spiritual and nature based than a God centric religion. The same can be said for many Wiccans and witches I have met. Most Wiccans call themselves witches, but not all witches consider themselves to be Wiccan, interestingly enough. 

VooDoo is one of many ancestral based religions originating in Africa and transplanted violently via slavery into the New World, where it then morphed into several varieties, to include Haitian Vodou, Candomble, Obeah, Palo, Santo/Orisha worship and others. Most people class these as being Pagan, but they themselves do not. They are in some cases a sort of Africanized Christianity which is vehemently denied and despised by Christian Churches,  but, they do not see themselves as non-Christian, believing in Jesus and God and even Mary and the Saints. Then again, some inside these religions do see themselves as more Pagan that Christina due to that very hatred. 

For some, god is less of an issue or interest and they explore Western Ceremonial magic, or other esoteric occultism and mysticism, or witchcraft. 

The New Age has an explosion of ideas and beliefs espoused out there, ranging from the inane to the sublime. I am not here to point out what is inane, I will leave that to you. A lot of people come from many other religious tracks and meet here for specific practices or interests which overlap, such as divination, or psychic pursuits. It includes everything from Mediums and palm readers to outer space cults to channels to paranormalists. It is possible that the Scientology people would fall in here. Perhaps the Urantians also would. One can be, after all, Christian and New Age. One can, really, be anything plus New Age. It is not always a derogatory label. Much of it is simply new, progressive and changeable. 

When considering a religion to embrace, a few things should be done, in all sincerity. Do not be run of the mill, please. Read, study, know the true history and facts of your chosen religion. If it comes along with sacred texts, study and know those. KNOW what it is you profess to believe before you buy the t-shirt, please. This world is full of folks who fancy that their challenges or denials of your belief is sport, to "pop your bubble" and if you actually are not well grounded you will basically either go away upset and mad or flounder after a shouting match. Know who you are and what you believe. That is arrogant for others to do this is irrelevant. They will do it and think this and it doesn't matter in the end. What matters is you and if you have found your home spiritually and emotionally. It is like a ringing telephone, there is actually no requirement for you to answer the damn thing just because it is ringing. Same thing if someone opts to challenge or mock you. YOU need proof for your path, not them, there is nothing you have to prove if you are not out there making wild claims and challenging them. Remember who you are - a precious, much loved, child of the cosmos, same as everyone else. 

In closing, I would add that the person who is comfortable in and well versed in their beliefs is not threatened by other ideas or beliefs. It is entirely possible to listen, consider, even learn other ideas without accepting them as your own truths. Sometimes, the new concept will enlighten you to a deeper insight into your own thoughts. Sometimes it will be laughable and make you more sure of what you think is true.  But, grace, courtesy and compassion can get a point across better every time than mockery. 

Whatever you believe, do it well, know it well, learn the history and truth behind it, and find the roots of it all without blinders on. Poke holes in it, test it, know it, so you are not surprised when someone else does it. If you find better, change. God is so big He can be male or female or neither at all. He can be everything that is, he can be within you, he can reveal himself through anything anywhere if he chooses to and you are seeking and looking for him. He can be one, or three, or a group. It depends who you ask, and I think anyone who honestly loves God and seeks him with all their heart will find him and truth and it is alright if we do not end up with the same cookie cutter concept of what is god.

Why bother with a religion at all? It is a system which we can learn and use to hang up our ideas and thought and beliefs, something like a closet. It comes with rules, protections and things to do. It gives us a paradigm in a world gone mad to touch and hold as our baseline, our anchor, to ground us until and unless we choose to move the anchor or grab a different one. Our beliefs inform and flesh out our reality. The reality of an atheist is going to be different from that of a devout monk, and you will differ from both. So choose your reality, understanding what it is and what it does and how to let it work for you in providing structure, encouragement and strength.

I wish you well on your journey, apologize to those who may not like comments here, and after reviewing it several times am letting it stand as written. If you really have better you wish to add, send it to me and if I verify it I will update the blog post. I am not a world class expert on every religion out there. This is not meant to be a book, just a survey. 

I love you. Really.

I write to serve.

 

 

Not A Rockstar

Belief: Finding Your Own Path 5

The question of God. Is there a god? If there is, what is god like? This may be second, as questions go, only to the question of why are we here? Most of us have wondered these things to some degree in our life. What is it all about?

Religion is man's effort to answer this sort of question. If you look at the array of religions out there and choose one that feels like a good fit for you, it should be alright, as long as you remember what it is and what it is not. It is man's effort that creates it. Many will claim some great enlightenment or revelation which proves their religion is the only true one, but here is the bottom line. 

You never lose your responsibility to grow, to learn, to seek and discern truth for yourself. I do not care what religion you think you are, when a person exalts the religion over the Divine, when he focusses more on the doctrine than the living spiritual relationship within him, he is wrong. If there is not that living relationship within, why are you even still there? This is where a few Moslems went wrong when they went overboard and thought Allah wanted them to murder thousands in His name. This is where the Catholic Church went wrong when they afflicted the Inquisition on Europe. It is what allows some people to think it is alright to murder abortionists for the "glory of God". This is error and most religions go through it. They grow, they learn and correct and often end up better on the other side, but it is ugly, much like our own journeys and lives can get at times.

How I have seen God over my life has ranged from Pentecostal zeal to agnosticism, bordering nearly on atheism. We live in a world that challenges us and our ideas and beliefs constantly. Not only the unbelievers out there challenge you but also fellow believers do. Trust me, I know of two priests who I have spoken at length with over the years who would say I am a Believer. The rest probably would not. They have their assumptions they know what Vodou is and what I believe and how wrong I am and there is no way in their rule book I can possibly be on anything but a Highway to Hell. This used to trouble me to a degree until I finally grew up enough spiritually to let it be alright. They need their filters. I have some of my own. My concern is one - does God know me? Are we chill? Yes? Then I am doing just fine, thanks. 

I say all this to open the next part of this quick series on how to find where you are in the big picture if you are looking. The basic question you have to answer is about God. Some say this even is more basic than that and comes down to how you see the whole matter of Creation.

My Pentecostal Grandparents had the most amazing and elaborate tales of Creation in seven days and the world God destroyed before (accounts for the dinos and fossil record neatly), and it all ended in a literal Heaven with gates of Pearl and streets of gold. Everything was explained and set. I was ok with that for a long time until I got to wondering if it was a day for each of the first six, then what was going on now with a seventh day which had not ended yet.... or had it and the story had stopped? Where did that leave us and where was God now? That was when the beatings and abuse really set in and rather cemented my adamancy to ask questions and trust that the answers were out there.

I share my story to illustrate that your own ideas may shift and change and questions arise and this should not scare you. If you persist in seeking for truth, you will find your way through and the very journey you have been on will teach you how to express and explain to someone else if they ever turn to you and ask "what do you think this means?" The experiences on your journey are what help to light your way as you go onward in life. Early on I had this naïve seeming idea that all religions saw God from a slightly different direction and angle, and this was alright because God was so big that none of us was able to see the whole anyway. Decades later, I remember that and think it may have been truer than not, after all.

In my paradigm, I see that we are each of us born with the unique capacity to contemplate our self and consider life and the god question. Capacity equates to me as a potential. Potential equals something to fulfill if we choose to. Free will rules, and some use that to decide there is no god at all as a result of the filters they embrace. Others conclude that there is and so build their lives by taking on filters which reveal this for them in the format they more easily relate to. 

Example? Alright. I see the repeating patterns in creation and have concluded there is a plan, this did not all happen by marvelous coincidence upon coincidence upon lucky chance. A plan infers planner(s). So, I believe in Creation, as a process, there was a process and plan which unfolded through epochs, some longer than others, and the notion of a literal week is simply metaphor. Creative design, intelligent design, this is how I think everything I see happened. That is one of my filters. What does not agree gets filtered out as a truth for me as a result. That is how filters work and we all have them. I like science but to believe all of this was a grand coincidence and happenstance takes more faith than I can muster. I don't believe in that many coincidences. 

So, with this filter, then one can assume I think there is a planner who worked the plan, and that probably is something "god" would have a hand in. 

You will create your own filters as you search to determine what you believe today. They will overlay each other and in the end be how you view the god question and how you answer it. It is alright if we do not have identical results. The journey is not over yet and we all have different things we came to do here. 

To the degree any religion you espouse supports your journey and search and grows your understanding of the god within us all, it is a good thing and the good purpose for religions. On my journey, my choice to go into Vodou so seriously came at a point when I was nearly an atheist and it revealed God to me in a way I had never imagined before and brought me back to belief again. This is why I no longer run a House or do public events, I still claim it and respect it for what it gave to me. I honor my vows and remain clergy for it, but, it never did demand I spread a faith or sell it. Those Lwa just expect me to honor my roots and respect my Ancestors and be honorable before God. I can do that. I no longer need a house or altars, all of that is inside my heart and soul; and I don't need the trappings anymore. I don't need the gris gris or oils or items to do wanga. All of that was just physical things seeking to teach me about the Will, our own divine power of will. I can throw wanga with a simple decision of my mind, now. I pretty much have decided not to do that at all, but, I have done it. I leave the option open as some things and some folks respond to nothing else, at their level. 

True religion is this, carrying within YOU the clear image of how YOU see god/dess/the Divine/Creation and the love of the divinity out there echoing in you as you. Carrying the honor of it as your own revelation, and being true to the rules and calls it places upon you as a result of your own choices. This is a fancy way of saying being the best person you know how to be, and loving your Creator with all you have inside of you to do that with. Seeking to grow and be good and be more like you perceive the love from the divine. 

I write about this before I close with a post about religions because this comes first, it has to, or nearly so. Religion without the love of the divine within you is like an empty shoebox, a clanging bell, a dissonant wind chime in the breeze - it is empty and not good for much to you or anyone else. Run into mature believers in any faith path and it is the peace, the love, the quiet and patience which marks them. Not their ranks or place in life here, but the place they hold as they walk with a quiet peace through the mean streets. 

That is where you can spot god/dess.

I write to serve.

Not A Rockstar

Belief: Finding Your Own Path 4

There are other questions to answer for yourself in this quest. I am looking over my notes and really, it comes to me that the process of answering these things is a part of your path work in itself. On one hand, most you can answer quickly enough, but, these things change over time, with experience. That can cause shifts for you in your own inner realities. I was born in 1959, I was one of those hippies in the 70s. You know, the groovy, peace, soul mate believing crowd in bell bottoms and long hair. I still have the long hair and a lot of the ideals but, I am a retired cop and ex-military and lean conservative in a lot of things. As I age I am finding that my lean is more liberal in some things more than it was as I learn more and see how the world is going. These days I am awfully middle of the road in my views politically, if you average it out.

Still, let's cover these other questions I have in my notes before we amble onward. As mentioned above, your political views may affect your spiritual views also. They both stem from your value system, so this makes sense. Very generally, conservatives are more at ease with rituals and rules and traditional answers. Very generally, liberals are more at ease with love and inclusiveness, and few rules and restrictions when it comes to their spirituality. Mind you, there are exceptions. I was once in a private association for Pagan Emergency Services people, and they were really conservative in a lot of their value systems more than the average Pagan out there. 

What practices feel good to you already? Do you meditate? Do you feel happier being a vegetarian? How do you view the paranormal? I mean, do you think we survive death? Can our deceased loved ones make contact, or not? Do you think there may be something like angels or demons out there? Do you think reality is dualist, as in black versus white, good versus bad, or do you think it is less that and more of a number line sort of reality, where nothing is really all good or all bad but somewhere in between?

Does ritual and beautiful things in a service and ceremony touch you deeply or do you feel impatient with that sort of thing? How much do you value your family and friends? How much of a force are they on your choices for a faith structure? Some things they might disapprove of. How much of a factor is that for you?

What do you think "God" is? Male? Female? A sort of group spiritual conglomerate? A touch of the Divine within you? Or just a state we can reach if we somehow excel enough in life to reach it?

Is there a Creator? Was the world made literally or was it simply guided along natural processes in epochs instead of literal 24 hour days? Or did it just happen on its own by chance?

Do we survive death in some way? What happens then? Do we face a form of judgment? Do we reincarnate somehow? Is there something like a heaven or a hell out there somewhere? What do you think is true?

The answers you think are true are each of them a filter through which we see and interpret the world around us. Filters will govern what you accept as truth.

If you think about that, it should make you wonder if you will even see truth if some of your filters are wrong. It is a very good question to wonder that. It is an honest one which acknowledges maybe you do not know it all already. If you did, what point is there to even be looking to find your path? No need for one, you already know and are just marking time now till the end.

The only answer I know to this issue is one based on my certainty that someone is out there. If you have read my post "Why I Believe" you will know what I am talking about. Every word of that story is truth. I can still feel that hand on my chest shoving me impossibly to safety. I can still hear the voice. It happened. You do not have to believe me, but, consider this. You have nothing to lose to assume I am telling the truth long enough to ask out loud to your spirits, God, Goddess, Group Deity, whatever to open your eyes and help you to see truth. Ask to be shown what is true and real about God. State clearly that you give permission to be taught, to be shown what is true about God. State clearly "I want to know you."

If nothing is there and I am full of it, nothing is going to happen anyway.

If I am not full of it, you might start a very interesting period in life all your own, which is your very own to believe and discover. In my experience, God is perfectly able to communicate with you right where you are, as you are. He, or She can work with any religion to touch your life and become real. 

That is the journey, that is the path work, nobody can give it to you, you have to ask sincerely and seek it out. You have to be willing to find out your friends were wrong, or right, you have to be willing to find out you were wrong, or right, and change to keep on down that road. 

I think I will write one more post on this to wrap it up and talk a bit about different religious structures out there in the West these days. Just a few and very generally. I wish you well and if you take up the challenge, I pray with all my soul you find what you are looking for.

Not A Rockstar

Belief: Finding Your Own Path 3

"But, I want the right religion, Not A Rockstar. I want the true one."

The answer to that question depends on who you ask. Back when I wrestled with this question, haunted by my Grand parents' Pentecostal Fundamentalism, there was a couple things I knew at that point. First and foremost, I really loved God and Jesus. That was not in question. Two, I doubted everything else, especially religions, and in the end, imagining myself answering to God face to face for the decisions I made in life, I did not want to have to say I believed this or did that because Mr X or Miss Y told me it was right. I wanted to have to say I searched, and I tried and I tested and did what I believed was right, and followed where I believed I sensed Your Love. 

I would urge you to do the same if you have doubts about where you stand in your views about God or Goddess and the whole soul question. That is the real point of this whole little series about finding your own path. I hope I make you wonder a few things, find out a few things you believe and help you to see the point of having faith at all for some. On a lot of issues I have a generally Christian viewpoint, because that was where I began in this lifetime. I deviate from it due to a few things, but the one major point which applies here are a couple verses I feel are crucial.

Let me digress with one of the parables in the Bible which has a deeper impact than most on me. In Matthew 25:14-30. I used the Weymouth New testament for this. One of the names given to it is the Parable of the Talents, (or Ten Coins). I will copy it below, and then bold what makes it so meaningful to me. It is not long, bear with me.

"14"Why, it is like a man who, when going on his travels, called his bondservants and entrusted his property to their care. 15To one he gave five talents, to another two, to another one—to each according to his individual capacity; and then started from home. 16Without delay the one who had received the five talents went and employed them in business, and gained five more. 17In the same way he who had the two gained two more. 18But the man who had received the one went and dug a hole and buried his master's money.

19"After a long lapse of time the master of those servants returned, and had a reckoning with them. 20The one who had received the five talents came and brought five more, and said, "'Sir, it was five talents that you entrusted to me: see, I have gained five more.' 21"'You have done well, good and trustworthy servant,' replied his master; 'you have been trustworthy in the management of a little, I will put you in charge of much: share your master's joy.'

22"The second, who had received the two talents, came and said, "'Sir, it was two talents you entrusted to me: see, I have gained two more.' 23"'Good and trustworthy servant, you have done well,' his master replied; 'you have been trustworthy in the management of a little, I will put you in charge of much: share your master's joy.'

24"But, next, the man who had the one talent in his keeping came and said, "'Sir, I knew you to be a severe man, reaping where you had not sown and garnering what you had not winnowed. 25So being afraid I went and buried your talent in the ground: there you have what belongs to you.'

26"'You wicked and slothful servant,' replied his master, 'did you know that I reap where I have not sown, and garner what I have not winnowed? 27Your duty then was to deposit my money in some bank, and so when I came I should have got back my property with interest. 28So take away the talent from him, and give it to the man who has the ten.'

29 30But as for this worthless servant, put him out into the darkness outside: *there* will be the weeping and the gnashing of teeth.'"

This was always held up to me to teach me about how we have to do works, do things to earn our reward in Heaven and similar rhetoric. But, what always stuck out to me in it was that the first two trusted their Master and did what they could or knew to do, they did the best they could, reported in without fear and were rewarded. The third one believed that his Master was a severe taskmaster, a harsh and mean thing, deserving of fear, and in fear, he merely saved what he was given and gave it back intact and said that as his reason. The Master he got was exactly what he expected. He got harshness, he got severe and he got his talent taken back and thrown out as unworthy. 

"I knew you to be severe." I do not know God to be severe. I know infinite, overwhelming love in Him. I have always struggled with this notion that if we do not clue into some obscure truths and do the right things or join the right religion or church or group we will be cast out into a lake of fire or outer darkness or something else terribly unpleasant. This from a Father I love deeply, seek with all I have and cherish what I do know of Him. We are too prone to humanize divinity, but here that isn't even a player. My human Dad would never ever treat me this way, so how much less would a Divine father be so hateful? I honestly, with all my heart and soul, believe that if you love your Creator the best you understand it to be, do as right as you know for that Power, seek to be the best life you can be given your life to live out (your talent) and return to Creator when you pass on in confidence that you are loved and Creator is to be trusted, you will find all that you know Him or Her to be. 

To me, then, life is about learning and sorting out this issue of who do you know God/dess to be? For some, the answer is nothing at all. For others, it is Allah, or Buddha's Path, or one of many Pagan deities. I am confident that the One God out there will reach out to anyone who is really looking for Truth and will work with them using their own paradigms and understandings to show them the way Home. As for those who reject this whole notion as ridiculous and believe there is no God at all and may even believe we end at death and this is all there is, I have nothing to say. We have free will. That is our one certain right when it comes to this sort of thing. It is not for me to even try to change your mind. That is your position, and your right. I feel no calling to change anyone's mind out there. That is not my job. It is your job to decide that sort of thing for yourself.

This aspect of the search is really significant for people. If you believe in an omnipotent deity who is to blame for everything that goes wrong in our world, you will see it very differently than I do. That will effect your own choices. The world as it is is ready and willing to convince you that God/dess is severe, because cancer, because baby died, because Trump, because bankruptcy. Like in the tale of Job, after he lost everything, his wife told him to curse God and die. She was bitter, she saw things only with her eyes and pain.

If you think God/dess is about life and love, then it forces you to look at bad times and understand them from a different position. I blame most things on our own free will and greed and self indulgence. Just try to tell people that we need to change, we need to be better, we need to seek out and rise to our better values and if we struggle with this effort, we need to reach out to our spiritual side for help in changing, and you run into the arrogance that excuses all of our worst aspects and turns around and rants about how there can be no God because a real and good one would just come in and clean house. In other words, it is not our own fault and there is nothing we can do. Do you agree? Or does something inside you say, no, hell no, we are capable of better than this mess! I can do better, I can BE better, I can have a longer fuse on my temper, I can be kinder, I can overcome this issue in my life. I am better than this. 

We are the only "animal" here who even considers this sort of thing, who has the capacity to wonder if there is a God somewhere, or if we live past death. To me, the capacity reveals the ability and the need, the option, the potential.  This is why I even bothered to search and seek and find what I could out here in life. This is why I am writing this at all.

Not A Rockstar

Belief: Finding Your Own Path 2

By now, you have your listing of truths you believe are always true. It may be real long, or it might only have one or two things on it. 

This needs to be your first yardstick, or ruler, to evaluate other ideas of religions for yourself. Let us say that you have three items on your list: you wrote down:

       1. There is a God/dess

       2. Abusing animals is wrong

       3. Dancing makes me happy.

This is your list and you decide that African Religions seem interesting so you go to a few services open to the public and it seems really great. The people into it seem happy and really tight with each other, there is a lot of dancing and singing and these spirits come sometimes and talk to people there and you have never seen anything like that before! So, you get into it, start going to meetings and hanging out with the Elders and Initiates to learn and eventually go to your baptism and later to a Sevis Tet to join their hounfor (group or temple) and as such are able to start learning more about the inner workings of the religion. In Vodou, and really all of the African Traditional Religions (ATRs) you have to hold the rank before you are taught what that rank knows. Sort of like the ultimate non-disclosure agreement (I am smiling as I type that).  

You can get pretty far along the road into the religion before you run into things that get done by the top ranks to maintain the spiritual power of the hounfor which might conflict with your list you had a long while back. Perhaps, one day you ask a Mambo to help you with a problem and are trusted enough to have sat in while she did a work for your issue and you saw her kill a chicken as a sacrifice to the spirit being asked to fix this problem for you. 

One of two things is going to happen here for you and your belief track. Perhaps killing animals for food is something you are alright with. It can shock modern folks used to getting their meat in plastic wrap at the store to see it, but, this is where it comes from. In places like Haiti where power is hard to come by there is not refrigeration readily had. If you butcher a chicken for food, you cook it all up and you have enough people over to eat all of it right then. If you are as poor as most Haitians are, it is natural they take the animals and dedicate it to this or that spirit they work with and "sacrifice" it to it, then cook the meal up sort of in the honor of that spirit and eat it. Not how most Western religions see this, but there is a logic to it once viewed in cultural place as it is for the practitioner, not our view as we sip our latte and take pride in our degrees on the wall. It is the same concept as praying a blessing over a meal and thanking God for our food. 

But, this chicken is killed for your "work", and it is left there to "feed" that spirit who is going to help your problem.

By this point, you will have shifted in your views about abuse of animals and see that it was a swift death and so not abuse and if it helps your problem then it is alright, then. You need this help.

Or, you will be shocked, and dismayed to realize this is the fuel under a great deal of the "work" done in most ATRs - blood and life energy being fed to spirits in trade for work done. It may so upset you that you leave the religion and feel lost for a while until you find new direction. Or, you might stay because you love the people and question your feelings and so finally subsume them to what the others all seem fine with. 

This is the process that we all go through as we search for our "place" in life. We discover the real depth of some issues for us and what is more important to us and how we see the world around us. Some start out in the religion their parents taught them and never leave it, subsuming their ideas to comply with the religion as a natural authority and only right that they should do this. Others do a lot of searching out there and changing and end up back close to where they began but with a depth of understanding they would not have had otherwise. Still others find themselves in a different place entirely ideologically, and some even find that religion as a whole is useless for them as they do not have a belief in a god at all. 

This is what many religions refer to as your Journey. I ran into this word used this way once while watching a Catholic show with my Mother, who is Catholic herself. I liked it as it is accurate about the process of searching, and the road taken is as varied as there are people out there. Yours is unique to you also, so do not get locked into this idea that if you are confused at some point the answer someone else found is true for you also. It can be, but that choice is yours alone. This Journey is the learning route a Seeker goes through to learn more about themselves, and how to reach into and understand and connect with their own spirituality or higher self or inner knowing, or truth, depending how you see it. As long as you see it as a process, you won't suffer so many shocks along the way when you run into a road block or deal breaker and throw up your hands and just say it is all bunk so a lie. You will sit back and say, ok, this was not right, for me, so what next, God/dess if you are really out there?

That first list you made can mutate, be added to or some items removed as you later see them as errors. Relax, this is your adventure, and can last your entire life. Just understand that we all have lists and the question of faith or a Deity out there varies in importance to others. Our lists are not the same. We all have to learn to let that be alright, we all deserve our own search, as long as it is not hurting others in the process. 

Oh, the issue of sacrificing animals for "work"? You are still reading and wondering about that and thinking "How in the heck was a nice seeming person like Not A Rockstar a high priest in a religion that does that?"

Pretty simple, actually. An asogwe rules his or her own House. We do not have a Pope as such. To us one's spirits guide a Clergy at that point. I never have sacrificed anything alive. Alcohol, something pretty, a few choice cigars and working shamanically to find alternative ways to accomplish what I needed to end with. They all screamed at me that my spirits would be weak, I would fall fast, it cannot work that way, but then the House Wars came and I was dealing with the fallout from that plus the rejection and active attacks from my own Elders for my renegade views and how I was "defaming" the true religion. All I know today, over fifteen years later, is that I am still here and doing just fine. The rest of those folks are dead. Dead. I had nothing to do with that, though tragically there are many folks out there who believe I did it all and took them out successfully in the "Wars". Some are even afraid to talk with me, believe it or not. But, I can tell you this is simply hogwash. I did protect myself but I sent utterly nothing against anyone involved in that mess. The rejection on that extreme a level and betrayal gutted my heart but did not at all force me to do anything back for it. I believe they did themselves in, frankly. It was not me, it was their own shadows that ultimately ate them from not being dealt with, only indulged. 

At the end of the day, this is true for us all. You create your reality with the filters you put on, and sink or swim by this process. Your list items are some of those filters. 

Consider these things and your list and in a day or two I will have more questions for you. I plan that post and then a general post about what religion really is to us and ways it can help and hurt. I may add a final post based on questions I am getting on facebook about this sort of thing.

I write to serve.

Not A Rockstar

Belief: Finding Your Own Path

Was going through some old emails sent me from back when I ran a Vodou and shamanistic website and forum of my own and it asks a terribly vital question. In it the person told me he was struggling to find his "path", did not know what religion was right, wanted to find where he fit in, where his path was. My service when I was actively in Vodou was interesting and quite varied. I got a lot of questions, especially from younger people or other adults in service as clergy themselves - both very under-served groups out there. I think many of those who wrote to me at first were expecting that a Vodou priest was going to advocate for Vodou as a religion, but, I rarely found that to be the right answer for most. I always felt my calling was to help people, and that could not mean a set of canned answers as much as people differ. I have one godson whom I dearly love and actually did take through baptism but refused to give him Sevis tet - the first ritualized step into the Vodou religion. I did not feel he was ready, did not feel it fit from my own lwa, there was another way for him to go and it proved true. Today he is a Buddhist priest in Indonesia and very happy. I feel I did my calling right. I helped him find his way into where he was wanting to go for his own needs. When you serve, it is about the person you serve, not your ego or your own road. Niral trusted me, I always want him able to do that. I did not take advantage of his trust that I really did mean him well. I approached all my god children this way. They are all in different places today. I ended up taking none of them to Haiti to make him or her into my own kind. A few went later with others, and right or wrong it is not on me their own choices. I honored the trust and responsibility placed on me the best I could. 

I say all this to tell you I am offering you the same. After a lot of prayer, meditation and inner searching, I decided to start a new mini-series here in my blog about beliefs and how to find yourself and where you fit in somewhat into the big scheme of things. 

It seems really confusing when you look over the great soup pot of ideas and beliefs out there these days. But, the key to finding a closer and better fit is getting to know where you are now, and who you are and what you honestly think and why. With this in mind, I am going to open this first post on the topic by asking questions. As you answer them for yourself, keep in mind most questions about matters of faith are a number line more than they are a solid "yes" or "no". 1 meaning not much, and 9 meaning a whole lot, for example.

1. For you, are there any definite truths or laws you see as being true, right now? For example, do you think it is wrong to kill someone who is not attacking you or someone violently? How about theft? Do you think it is always wrong to take money or valuables from a person without their willingness to let you have it? Perhaps, to you, it is always wrong to abuse animals, or children. Spend some time with yourself and think about these things and your own present values and personal codes and take the time to list them out. You can even do two sections with the ones that are always wrong to you in one section and the ones that are usually wrong or you aren't sure always are wrong or right in the second category. 

Whether you realize it or not, you are already on a path, which is the culmination of your actions, thoughts and choices up until now. Where you stand today is the sum total of many factors, which include the values and truths you accept for yourself, how you were raised and the religion or lack of one you grew up knowing as the normal thing to think. Even your politics can help indicate the specific faith or religion you might find an easier place to be at right now. Was your ethnicity a big factor growing up? Were you raised a Jew, or was your family Scottish and you were raised Pagan, or perhaps you are Irish and Catholic or Protestant?

You also should realize that what fits you fine today or a decade ago, may not always be the right fit. Sometimes this sense of being wrong can be easily righted by a deepening of your original basic faith. Sometimes, another one will have teachings that can reach you better now and enhance your effort to find your own right spot today.

I will leave you a day or two to work with this and make your list of things that feel true to you today. We will go on to more questions then.

Be well.

I write to serve.

Not A Rockstar

Chyna, Final Chapter

I told you the story of Chyna, my dog, in two earlier posts, one titled "Chyna" and the other one "Creator Gene" or something like that. 

Essentially, it ended with me telling my daughter about a claim made by Kryon that dogs that we especially love do come back to us if we watch for them and look for them to do so. She has spent a lot of time eagerly playing with the litter of puppies we had, trying to decide if she thinks it is true or if Chyna has come back to us in this litter. I got some criticism for dealing with her grief and questions this way, but, I figure it is like my first sergeant told me when I became a cop - if you never get any complaints, you aren't doing your job right.

The other night we were sitting outside together watching the dogs play and the night coming in and she mentioned out of the blue that she was not sure which one was Chyna of the puppies. I chuckled inside but stayed serious. She was being serious, after all.

"It is possible it isn't true, hon, or maybe someone else needed Chyna more than we do."

She shook her head and told me she thought Chyna was back just that several of the puppies had quirks she'd had.

"Dad, you said there was something sort of like a dog energy soup, that Kryon said that, anyway. Do you think it mixes up sort of and maybe lots of dogs born will have parts of her ways in them? Maybe all puppies come with a mix of good dogs in them."

That sounded like it was moving on a good track to me.

"Could be. I mean even if she totally did come back she would not remember the dog she used to be, so things she learned playing and being taught here would all be new to her. We won't see that in a puppy. I think we should just love these dog kids and take them as they are, to be honest with you. I just like to believe she is out there somewhere and happy. It is not as if we will ever know for sure here, anyway, so it is alright to believe they are happy somewhere. It beats being a dark minded person who would insist that is just stupid to think. Those folks do not know either, after all. It is a choice, to believe and hope for a positive truth, over just hopeless darkness, when nobody really knows for sure here, I think."

"Yeah," she agreed thoughtfully, watching two of the scamps playing tug of war with a rag they'd found somewhere. "In any case, dogs are wonderful little beings and these are awfully special puppies. This has been a special litter. They are all especially fun in different ways."

It has been that. We lost one, who simply was dead one morning for no reason we know, but the other six are loving, passionate romps of real personality and good humor. Six true characters coming along well towards being wonderful dogs in the end.

"It is as if we got blessed with a bit of the best from all the dogs we ever had in this bunch, so I am ok with how it has turned out," I decided to say. While I like to encourage her to dream and enjoy ideas, I do like it best when she comes to a more grounded conclusion for herself, as positive as is possible. "It doesn't hurt that we love them and any puppy will do well being loved a lot."

"You especially like Nosey," she observed, and I smiled then.

"Yeah, I do especially like Nosey," I agreed.

She smiled, then.

"Then, it is sort of like the hole in your heart from losing Chyna has something new in it now. I don't feel so bad as I did over what happened now."

"That is good, because I sure do not blame you or Mom for what happened to her and do not want you two to feel bad about it. Things happen. That was a bad time with my own dad dying, and so everything that hurt then just hurt a bit more is all. We have to let that heal and let it go, princess. I want you to let it go and let it be alright. Learn from it and let it go, because I have."

She nodded, then came to me and hugged me and I felt a tear against my throat but she seemed at peace finally about her perceived guilt over letting my dog out, which led to its death, when she drew back from our hug.

"I love you, Dad."

"I love you, too."

She smiled. "I know you do, Daddy."

I watched her walk out then to start grouping the puppies up to come back inside with her as it was now almost full dark and felt pretty good finally about it all, too. If Chyna had the capacity to understand all of this she'd never have wanted so much guilt and pain over her passing. Dogs love unconditionally. People...we try to.

Nosey, as usual, did not obey but came to me and flopped panting at my feet and got his ears rubbed for the trouble. 

Not A Rockstar

Kundalini Rising: One Month

Energy is a real thing, however you wish to categorize it. I used to clear buildings when I was a cop and found one broken into using it. I could walk through it with senses alert and sense if anyone else at all was in there with me. This was never something I could explain or put a name to. Other cops I knew could do it to a degree. Trying to do this with another cop in there with me would mess it up. It worked best when alone inside, for me. It was just something I could do. I cannot say I ever considered it paranormal or anything, though I knew most folks couldn't do it. If you asked me then why, I would say mostly because they did not bother to hone it, maybe did not have the need for it. Retired now for some years, I have no idea if I still could do it as well as I used to, but, it was real.

In the so-called New Age world of channels and energy work and Eastern ideals coming to the West decades ago and so becoming more main stream now, Kundalini has a place. Until a month ago, I paid that place no attention. I do meditate, have done it for decades off and on and got back into it regularly in the end and it is now habitual when I have down time, to relax and meditate for at least a few minutes several times a day. But, I never knew something could happen to me beyond more clarity and calm and peace within. To be honest, even when it happened and kundalini rose for me and started this part of my journey a month ago now, I read some about it, and had to deal with it, but, I think I figured it would go away. I have a general admiration for Creator, and a deep desire to be more like that sort of Being would be - more loving, less judgmental, more positive, less bad tempered and prone to complaining and fear. In this sense I am into what I term "transformative spirituality" - beliefs and practices which result in real positive change of myself versus lip service and rote. I guess you could say in a vague way, my goal is to be more like God, as I perceive Creator to be.

Kundalini is about acknowledging that we are god and this energy is how we can be transformed and brought into cohesion with our higher self and rejoin it and the higher self is a part of Creator, literally, one with God.

This idea has been one I struggle with a bit. Why in the hell would something like this come to someone who doesn't pursue it or even know about it? I told it this early on, and it abides, so I have to believe that kundalini is not an Eastern concept after all. It is universal, it is available to us all, and is not locked into religion. There are even atheists out there who work with it, deal with it rising, though I do wonder how they get on after a point. I mean, how do you be and become something you insist does not exist? They have to answer that at some point, I guess. The energy itself, seems alright with this sort of contradiction. It cares only so much. If you are luckier, the experience begins with the natural flow of life energy (Prana) that provokes the growth, the letting go, the healing - all of which prepares the person for Kundalini. Using the fewest fancy terms, this is basically our life energy rising up and fusing with the Divine Consciousness, which triggers change in the person experiencing it. In slower unfoldings, the prana has time to prepare the person for when the kundalini fully comes in. Kundalini is otherwise traumatizing to the unprepared as too much emotional goo (baggage) is released from the being in too short a time.

I have been taking the slow road, learning as I go. She can be deceptively quiet and still get her work done. She sneaks up on you and works as fast as she can and you are ready. I have had to deal with a lot of family issues, challenges to my own beliefs and subtle changes to how I see things and how I react to them as well. When you are always aware of her there, within you, it makes it easier to remember, to pause and choose a kinder word. I didn't realize how often we just move through our days and do not actually form intentions when we do things. I form things and do thing intentionally more now, I am aware of what I do and say more than I was, I see others more clearly than I did. 

Minor things, but if this is just the beginning, I can foresee some genuinely new lands to discover ahead on the journey. In a way this is really exciting, but, let me tell you, it is also hard work. I think there is as much to unlearn as there is to learn. There is nowhere to hide, anymore.

I had said in earlier posts about this experience that I did not think I would write more about it, it is way too personal. But, I have realized that this is coming for more people, due to other shifts out there, and like me, those folks are not going to be the usual sorts who do yoga daily and are Vegan. So, despite my preference to not talk about it, I am consenting to stay out here to a degree to be found if someone needs someone to ask about it. Once I did that I started getting topics I needed to write about for that purpose, so will be releasing those over time. Some of you have been reaching out to me on facebook, but I am going to keep it here, until I resurrect a website again, I think. 

Be well, your questions are welcome.

I write to serve.

Not A Rockstar

Anneliese Michel, Crushed Rose

Demon possession is a controversial topic hotly denied and debated by many, and believed in by others. Facts can be hard to find in cases, either hidden behind the confidentiality of the Catholic Church, or buried and obscured under the hype and entertainment motivations of Hollywood. In looking for a case or two to use as examples, this nearly supernatural mountain of disinformation burying the facts is what you run into if you want the facts. In many cases, the case is old, such as the Lu7kins case, which happened back in 1778 and so must rely on witness statements to tell the tale, and thus is more easily denied by those who disbelieve in demons. Others, like the Mannheim case are forgotten or not even known about due to a Hollywood version of the events being sold as a movie for entertainment, which was The Exorcist. In any research you might do into exorcisms, be warned that most photos you will ever find are from movies and actors, not authentic

One case which is recent enough as to have some actual footage from the real person and her exorcism and some facts discovered from the trial which resulted, is the terribly sad case of Anna Elizabeth "Anneliese" Michel. Anna was a German girl who was born in 1952 and suffered epilepsy from an early age. Anyone who has studied this disease knows that it was very misunderstood and until recent years was difficult to treat effectively. Certainly one can sympathize with how alarming it can be to witness a seizure and the confusion of a victim as they come out of it. These seem violent, certainly they break your heart and drive family to try to find any answers possible to cure their loved one. It used to be it was seen as a mental problem and was often relegated to mental institutions back then, and psychiatric treatments which we now know would not have done much but aggravate the sense of being wrong and "sick" or "crazy" in a victim of it. Treatments that may have been done, such as shock therapy could aggravate the underlying physical condition and worsen it. 

Concern can also give way to shame or an inability to care for someone with more extreme forms of this disease, and someone could easily land in an institution and end up being there for abusive or experimental efforts that would further traumatize a person. This is the life Anna had. She was diagnosed with epileptic psychosis, and at just 16 she had a gran mal seizure and was diagnosed with temporal lobe epilepsy. What care she had gotten was not helping her condition a bit. She was becoming worse.

The facts of her case have been sensationalized by the movie "The Exorcism of Emily Rose", but due to the court case we can find the bare facts under it enough to see what actually happened to her. Her family and upbringing was devoutly Catholic, she had three sisters who did not have epilepsy, and perhaps in her fears and desire for freedom from her illness, she turned to her religion deeply for her consolation and answers as none were evident elsewhere. 

Stories about her from those who knew her were that she was a sweet young woman, who prayed a great deal, did rosaries several times a day, and her devotion was such that towards the end she was obsessed with this, to the extreme that her knee joints became damaged from her praying and getting up and down so many times over and over. This obsessiveness and self harming escalated and for our purposes we could say that this is the stage where she was suffering more deeply than ever before and the "demonic" seeming qualities became more pronounced in that obsessive self harm through prayer and religiosity. This is an actual mental issue diagnosed today in a few who have gone over the edge in reason about matters of faith.

It seems that she became convinced she was demon possessed, or was possibly persuaded that she was. She requested exorcism of the Church and was turned down. The Church said her issues were medical and perhaps also psychological. Not a case of demon possession. But, on their own, with the support of Anna and her family, two priests undertook to do this exorcism by themselves.

The damage done, the sheer horror of this effort deserves the few books out there about the case, but, not for entertainment value. Exorcism itself is not a ritual devised to cause harm to the sufferer. When done by experts well trained in it and prepared, there is rarely any injury and nearly always successful banishment of the entities believed to be causing the problems. But, a casual google for "death by exorcism" will show you pages of returns of how this can go very badly when attempted by the ignorant or arrogant.

She died in 1976 after a year of periodic exorcisms being attempted. The details should break any reasonably sane person's heart. The cause of death was not so much what anyone did, but what they failed to do for this 23 year old victim. Malnutrition, emaciation and dehydration. Medicine for her epilepsy had been stopped this final year as well. Her reality became uncontrolled epilepsy, psychosis and probably schizophrenia as well. Her parents were charged with negligent homicide in her death as a result.

In my opinion, what killed Anna was that her family was tired of the issues and got negligent, and two priests were involved for their own beliefs despite their own authorities saying no to any such thing. 

Did she have demons after all? In a sense I believe she did, created through her own distress and pain, the known distress of her family and their disapproval and her sense of being wrong somehow, enflamed by the taught ideas that God can heal anything and all it takes is enough faith. Three of the demons she claimed she had were Nero, Judas and Hitler. Not demons as such at all, but evil names she knew well from her upbringing.

Her case is real and the uncaring of others continues. Check any of the videos on youtube about her and the mockery goes on. People prefer to not believe and so fail to see the person she was, who suffered and who died needlessly and cruelly. They do not believe and so mock the victim and make jokes about her horrifying final year and descent into real madness and terror. Many of these people consider themselves to be very rational and good sorts, and cannot see the deeper horror in what they do with the mockery. 

Any rational person should see the cruelty in cases such as this and desire to be sure it cannot happen again through ignorance. Anna needed help, and perhaps there was not enough medical knowledge in her day yet, but, she should never have had to know this degree of brutal indifference.

Peace to you, dear Anna. Peace and real love.

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Not A Rockstar

Where I am Now

People get confused starting out. This was brought home to me when I got a message on Facebook from someone here asking me if I really still did all the things I write about, and how can anyone try to do all that at once? It seems a good time to repeat that life is a journey, and if Spiritual pursuit is part of your life then that is also one.

I write this blog to get some basic information out there for people, and when I write I draw from my own experiences. At 59 so far, I have a few I can talk about. The person I am today is a natural shaman, with a lifelong passion in seeking Truth/God, who is presently dealing with the spontaneous awakening of kundalini into his meditative world. Things I have studied or done in the past are part of my knowledge base now. I do not actively practice as a priest in Vodou anymore. Things like numerology and palmistry and such were things I studied and naturally still know about but I don't do these things, never did read palms, for example, as my study into that determined it seemed to be empty. Other than the fact I remain alive, so presumably my life line has not run out yet, nothing else my palms supposedly say about me or my life is true. Numerology I never "did", though I did study it more than some things, very curious about it and connections it has to the Kabbalah and many other things in the Occult. It is something I note when I run across it, not something I do, if that makes sense. 

Do not limit yourself thinking "I am going to become a witch" and then go do that to the exclusion of all else or imagine you may be that for your whole life. If you really are a Seeker, it never ends. You seek, you find, things you understand change, you grow, sometimes, you bleed and back away and head another way. Your understanding of things will deepen, you will see what once were "other" ways are not as different as you supposed the further you go. You might well be a witch after all, but your understanding of what that is will change beyond all measure if you are active and working and seeking.

I meditate for short periods several times a day. I have a few inactive altars here from Vodou. I have hundreds of books. I teach some minor things to a few people that I feel I should and do not teach the rest directly. Once in a while I go to Mass with my Mother as it means a lot to her and I do not mind visiting God there or anywhere. That is my religion nowadays. What you DO is not the same thing as what you ARE. I remain all that I used to be but it is in transition always, sort of like our bodies are constantly replacing cells. 

This blog is to write things I am asked for or to toss out information someone curious may like to know about later. The occult and the search has been my obsession this lifetime, so I have covered a lot of ground, but, I never have let grass grow under my feet. If it was not true, or not right for me, I was moving along. I am on a mission, a personal one to find God, to learn the truth, and this is very personal, it can be unique to us all, isn't something to teach as such, but, it can be shared to a degree. Most of what I write is just data, things learned, to help someone else as they hike onward, too. 

I write to serve.