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A Career of Me

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About this blog

Optimizing myself for a year. 

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White Crane Feather

The one thing that has to be optimal.

Whatching my boys today, I can’t help but start thinking about parenting as I start this process of optimization. Out of everything that I want to get right in this world, It’s being a father. They really are my world, yet at the same time, I know I have to make my own world to be true to me too if I’m going to be my best for them. 

I never put them in day care. My wife works full time, and owning the school, I didn’t work until the evening. When my first was born, I was the ripe old age of 27. I strapped the kid to my back, learned how to change diapers on the go, blend baby food, manage blow outs, and sleep when he slept.

My wife has a busy corporate career, so he even came with me to the dojo. People all around town, that didn’t already know me, started to identify me as the young guy that took his baby everywhere. I was fine with this. I was young, strong, and I had such a clear focus. I knew kids that were close with their parents grew up more emotionally stable and intelligent, so I did what it took not to have someone else nurturing him. 

It worked. Now he is a bright, intelligent, and compassionate beautiful 13 year old. Sorry ladies no sexism intended, but sometimes behind  his back, I call him my girl because he is so sweet and compassionate. We really are very close, and he is a big time dady’s boy. 

Then came another, and a few years latter another. This is where I mark the beginnings of a few of my own personal struggles. I had to drop out of being on the US sport jiujitsu team. The training, the school, two babies at that time were just too much.  I compensated by my long solo trips into the wilderness and meditation, but really my pace was taking to much out of me. I just couldn’t see it. I really felt that I was the master of my universe and nothing could stop me. 

Anyway... I didn’t want this entry to be a history lesson, but I did it with all three of my boys. I kept them with me. Learning from me, training in martial arts, and we were obsorbing each other. I’m very close to all three of them, and sometimes it breaks my heart just because they are growing and each phase is impermenant. 

Of course, at the same time  all of that was happening, I was going through deep psycho spiritual episodes. I have another blog here that I was writing during some of that. Looking back, I wonder if it were to much. Maybe I should have asked for help. 

Anyway, going forward now, I’m wondering how to maintain this role I have taken on in their lives. They are starting to do more and more on their own, but when I choose a new careeer, am I going to have to be like normal dads? Like my wife? She dosnt get home till 7pm. When I was teaching I wasn’t home myself in the evening, but they were actually with me a lot of the time. Leaving the dojo behind has disrupted how we all live. We will still be training twice a week, but I can’t help but worry where this is headed. 

I don’t just want our short time on this earth in this capacity to be “normal.” I have been fortunate enough to give them an amazing and adventurous child hood so far. How do I continue? How do I make it better? 

Now that they are older, they bicker more, I snap at them more, and things are not as pure as when they were little. Me and my middle child butt heads all the time. He is a great kid, but along with the freedom I give them, there are some very strict rules about respect and behavior. He wants to challenge me on those, and I don’t always respond in the way I think my higher self wants me to. How do I reel in my reactions? How do I keep the vision I have for them remembering not just a childhood, but a grand experience growing up? How do I work on myself during all this? 

My mind mills and churns over it so much, I have actually had to start listening to audio books and podcasts with my blue tooth headset simply to drown out my own inner voice. My inner voice simply won’t shut up. I can quiet it during meditation, but the only thing that helps when I’m going about my day is to drown it in information and learning. 

Optimizing parenthood may be one of the most challenging things I have ever attempted. I have faced down cage fighters, large wild animals, a few abusive psychos, and even stood my ground against what people would call demons and devils, but screwing this up scares the hell out me.

Thanks for reading. 




White Crane Feather

So it begins, what have I done?

What have I done? 

Recently I walked away from my martial arts school that I have owned for nearly 20 years. Despite the usual shenanigans that go on inside my head, I was feeling trapped and that I had done everything that could within the scope of my vision. Don’t get me wrong, I loved teaching kids jujitsu, kickboxing, and wing chun and all the other variations and conglomerates of martial arts I have picked up over the years, but something has changed in me. 

Im not sure exactly what it is, but my mind is no longer aggressive enough in business to fight for market share through marketing, or wide enough to deal with the hundreds of relationships I had the keep track of in my mind.

Those of you who know me, know at the same time running my business I was taking care of three little boys all the time, then teaching in the evening. Let’s not even get started with the crazy dream life I have and managing the crazy junk that happens to me in those deep places.

My blood pressure was shooting through the roof, and spirit guide bluntly informed my I was on a one way ticket to truely becoming one with the earth permanently. I confirmed with my doctor. Medication never seems to affect me, and she told me that if I don’t get my BP down, I won’t make it to 50. I’ll be 40 in a few weeks. 

I finally got the message and took the necessary steps. It was very hard for me. Much of my identify is tied up with my school along with 90% of my relationships. People are mad at me, disappointed, and sad. I have special relationships working with many autistic kids because the community knows I can reach them. I had taking all their cases on in a very personal way. But just like I walked away from all stuff happening as White Crane Feather a few years ago, I have had to draw boundaries for my normal ego as well. I have lots to talk about with this actually, but I’m just sort of free writing at the moment.

What next? 

The answer is a lot but nothing. I have decided that the second half of my life will be the result of deep thought and experience. I’m lucky enough to have a mind that can make money anywhere anytime, so I have no problems with finances, so at least for a year my career is a career of me. 

What does that mean?

It means before I step into my next adventure in life, I am going to take all of that energy I had been giving to others all those years and focus it completely on optimizing myself and my roll as a father and husband.

1) Mental. I’m in the process of further exploring eveything about my own psyche, attitudes, habits, beliefs, and though processes. I want to optimize my brain to its fullest potential and capacity for joy, intelligence, compassion, knowledge and relationship to others. 

2) physical. I want to be 25 again. I’m going to optimize my functional abilities, strength, endurance, and flexibility. I don’t want to be in shape in the body builder sense, but more like I was when I was younger. I want my body to again be capable of doing nearly anything I ask it to. Climb a rope, swim a river, hike a mountain, you name it. I’m olerating at about 50% now due to injuries, age, and yes some neglect. 

3) Spiritual. I want to reconnect with my guides, and put to use all this deep knowledge of the inner worlds I seem to have forest gummped my way into. That does mean helping others like I used to but with boundaries. I’m going to seek out plant medicines, and discover why the things have gone they way they have for me. I defiantly lead a unique spiritual life, but I want to fully embrace it and explore its fullest potential. 

This is just a start. For my 41st year I’m going to renew myself in amazing ways. I’m going to obsorb books and subjects ranging from optimal nutrition, to nurotropics and relationship building. Everything I learn will be to further optimize myself and my relationship to others, this world, the other world, and my physical body. 

Follow along. You might want to apply some of it to yourself. 

Thanks for reading. I’m learning that sharing is part of experiencing something and your presence keeps me motivated. I have spent so much learning alone in my mind, and it’s just not as joyouse unless you can bring someone else into that joy with me. Let’s do this. 

P.S I’m not going to be editing all that much, and I type pretty fast with my thumbs,  so deal with it. :)







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