Incapacity
The more I want a heart of flesh, the greater is the burden in the knowledge of my incapacity. In my younger years I constructed some very high and strong barriers to keep what I fear out. When they were placed, I guess they were needed. Now they are a hindrance. Or perhaps on the other hand a spur to keep me moving forward; no matter how slow the pace seems to be to my limited understanding of how the progression works. The two year old never leaves me (the architect), nor sh
Thirst
I think that in my own life I spend an awful lot of time ‘seeking’ this center in things that in the end do not hold. Finitude cannot fill the void that seeks infinity. I dance around that inner calling and attraction and there are times when I don’t understand why. It is like being filled with thirst, yet unwilling to drink from the pure spring and going after Coca Cola instead, in the end the thirst remains, after a quick burst of pleasure that is ephemeral.
Impossible situations
There are human situations that are simply impossible. I suppose for caregivers, whether they are working with a family member or friend, or like myself, who works where there are more than a few patients; situations arise wherein there is no solution, but something that has to be accepted and lived through. The impossible situation is dementia. Working in any situation that requires patient endurance, and care giving is not by any means the only place where this is
Limitations
We live in a world of limitations. I am sure that those who know me become frustrated when they encounter certain restrictions in me, especially when they seek to be deeply understood and listened to. At times I can’t do it. Don’t have the experience, depth, intelligence, or the insight, to be able to make that jump in regard to those I know and love. I also find it painful when I experience others in the same way. When I can’t seem to connect with them on a level where I fe
Sociopath
http://www.mcafee.cc/Bin/sb.html
There is someone I know (lets call him Will), who seems to be a sociopath, though perhaps I will never actually know. He is a pleasant enough person, easy to get along with and seems to be caring of others. Then things come up later on, usually after he is gone, for he is very good at covering his tracks with those he has yet to take advantage of. What he has done to others however eventually comes to light. One of his ‘friends’ I will call h
Restless night
It was a strange night. William was awake for most of it. When I went in at about 11 PM to check in on him, because he was yelling at someone he thought was in his room; I found his bed pretty much torn apart. He was very animated acting like he was talking to a lot of people in his room and having trouble keeping up with the conversation. He was manic in other words. So I fixed up his bed, checked to see if he needed cleaning and tried to calm him down. Which of cour
Easy way out
To become a compassionate and loving human being, is an uphill journey that takes discipline and the courage to not allowing my failures or those of others to derail me. Again, to become a cynic about human nature is the easy way out and has a kind of romantic, world weary charm about it, but it leads nowhere, because all I have to do is sink and not strive to overcome the downward pull, so easy to follow.
Blessed day
Went to Midnight mass last night. Took "Ron" with me. Got him up around 11PM. Did not give him his night meds at the regular time. He enjoyed it very much and seemed to know where he was at and what it was about. On the way back to his room he did ask what building we were in. When we got near his room, he finally understood where he was at. Got him back in bed, gave him his meds and now at this time in the morning 10:00 AM, he is still sleeping. Will get him up at 11:00
The reat reward
The greatest gift is simply love, simple, direct and down to earth. Expressed in homely ways that can bring comfort to those in pain, solace to those who grieve, affection and touch for those who long for a healing touch and also hard words of truth when needed. As the heart expands, the reward for loving is simply to love more, ever deeper, for eternity.
Paradox supreme
Cosmos vast,
no end in sight,
light years countless
it would take to traverse,
yet in a child is Divinity shown;
in a cave born,
small and weak;
paradox supreme.
“And a child shall rule them”.
No matter what the cost
Often when I am in the emergency room with a charge, I will often hear a sound that truly tears at the human heart. It is the wailing of incomprehension, of a very small child, having some kind of medical intervention done. I would think there are few people in the world who are not effected by such a sound. Here is a child, not understanding why its parents are allowing something truly horrible and painful being done to it, and doing nothing to help. No matter how d
When maturity takes hold
Mercy leads to healing, which can take years to accomplish as maturity takes hold and inner honesty takes deeper root. So mercy is yes a grace, freely given, not only by God but also by humans (again I feel a sign of grace active in the world), that is like a leaven, that slowly does its work as we continue on our journey. Perhaps that is what the ‘life review’ is about, that are lived out by those who have a “near death experience”. For we often hurt those whom we
Asking for mercy
Sometimes mercy can be understood and its cost in asking and receiving it, when on occasion something hurtful or cruel is done to a loved one; someone central to ones life and existence’, a wife, husband, friend etc. I have experienced this. The reality of the injustice done can cause deep wells of sorrow and suffering and yes guilt in acknowledging responsibility. In fact the deeper the love of another, so is the corresponding need to accept that the act was one freely com
Shadow of divine reality
(This is one way of looking at mercy, from the perspetive of my being a christian)
To extend mercy is freeing. The one who is the beneficiary however may not understand it, or accept it. Or if he does, it may take time for the work of mercy to bring up the reality of the evil done, by the wrongdoer. I feel that mercy proffered by one human to another is a sign of grace in the world, a shadow of the divine reality of what mercy really is. Of which I believe, we are
Too painful to encounter
Activity keeps boredom at bay, for if what lies beneath the boredom experienced, is far from boring. Noise, excessive activity, the manic desire not to be alone, or quiet, is there for a reason. For there is much in each unique individual that could be either too painful to encounter, or perhaps very dangerous to contemplate until one is to ready allow what lies underneath to surface. Before the ‘inner’ can be experienced, it is important to learn how to breathe in
Billy Love
(William)
William for awhile used to start singing in the morning and go all day long. It was quite remarkable how he did that. He was in a Jazz band when young and from time to time played with Chubby Checker when the twist was popular. Jazz was his first love however and he played the Clarinet. He went under the name of “Billy Love”. He walked like someone who had a lot of soul, was open, frank and at times had a very small fuse when it came to how he expressed himself.
Ability to see
Humility is the ability to see truth, embrace it and the suffering it entails and move on. In the beginning, often, when someone begins their inner journey, there is excitement, joy at the perceived inner depths of their souls, but that fades after a bit, when another level is hit upon. I guess Carl Jung would call that the shadow. A rich and varied assortment, a mob perhaps, of inclinations, desires, rages that have been hidden and repressed, until the time is right to take
What would life be like?
To reject portions of myself will naturally lead me to reject others. What would happen if that changed, if I could embrace everything about myself and stand before God in thankfulness, not only for what I perceive as good, but also, to be blunt, the Sh-t? What would happen? Would I look on others differently, as another self, with both light and dark doing their dance, (perhaps tango is a better phrase)? With the same struggles, failures, and yes successes, though
The hardest thing of all
Christ told me “to love my neighbor as myself” for good reason I think. So if I wish to grow in love of others I perhaps have to do the hardest thing of all; love myself. Love is such a mystery, yet in Christ it is stronger than death, stronger than any ‘crap’ that is within me, deeper than any rage, or lust, or self hatred projected outwards. I can fight all I want, scream, yet Christ gently holds me, coxing slowing the tenderness that is there within me, but hidde
Restless
Lack of sleep, overwork, or simple dissipation of energy in frivolous pursuits, and of course ill health, can be only some of the influences on our inner life that can lead to ‘restlessness’. I think the term “Waiting for the Lord”, deals with this very common experience for human beings, as they continue their journey or pilgrimage through life. For restlessness, at least from my experience, is there to teach something for those who consciously seek God, and yes perhaps for every
Ron’s decline
So quickly his decline, just a few months ago he was working, walking around, present to those around him and could be communicated with without trouble. Then one day he was different. He could not do his job, did not really care, he would just shrug his shoulders. I guess it had been coming for awhile, but he could cover it up, then one day he could not. Then he fell, hitting his head and the decline become more rapid.
Now he does not know where he is at, at times for
Absurd at times
Life can seem empty, grey, and absurd for me at times. The energy that seeks something to rest in is denied me and when I go inward I can often experience the same colorless void. I get restless, though I know that running hither and thither will do no good. Ever so slowly I have come to understand that if I feel dry and nothing seems attractive to me, then I have learned to simply wait, for it will pass. Home is being in the moment, not running from, it is only then tha
What we are called to emulate
Youth is for the young. Getting older is something that should be embraced celebrated, loved even, for that is after all reality, we age. Perhaps there is a reason for this, aging. Maybe life is set up so that as we get older we can have more time to seek more important pass times, more fulfilling and meaningful for that specific time of life. Yes we are slowly backed in corners as the years pile up, but for those with faith this should be an invitation to a de
Our search and our faith
When things get dark, then it is time to draw on faith. If difficult, no matter, for our faith though a gift, is also a choice, one that needs to be made over and over again. We live in a world wherein any belief system has to be based on a certain level of faith. We also have minds, intelligence and I believe we should use it to grow deeper in our understanding of our relationship with God, as well as with those around us. If we don't ponder and grow, then the
