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talking to myself

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About this blog

personal stuff

Entries in this blog

 

My teacher (Janet)

My teacher (Janet) Janet continues to leave me messages at night, as many as seven, though the average is four. She is embarrassed by her need to do this but she can’t stop. We joke about it when I call her, which is about once a week; for twenty minutes more or less. Each message that she leaves me is pretty much the same, for she is anxious and repeats herself over and over again. I can’t say I listen to everything she says, well I do for the first three messages (I promised her that), bu

markdohle

markdohle

 

Stillness

Stillness I feel at home in stillness. That is when I actually allow myself to simple set and not worry about having to do something to fill the time. In times of stress, or when tired, instead of looking for something to do, trying avoid that inner “whatever”, I find that just sitting and breathing, is one of the best things I can do for myself and my mind. The inner pool of non-thought and simple being, open the moment to the ‘Presence’ in which I live and move and have my being. Activit

markdohle

markdohle

 

Thank you

Thank you (About Philp, gone now for about 18 months) Philip’s good days now outnumber the bad, he is mostly mellow, smiling at everyone calling each by different names throughout the day, at times he even gets the names right, though most of the time we carry some image of his past, people that he loved now gone, yet for him they are still there. At night his room is full, family members come in and visit, perhaps it is a party, yet only he can see them. Having animated conversations,

markdohle

markdohle

 

What we offer

What we offer I think most people are seeking (metaphorical speaking), to get outside of their own skin, to feel less isolated and on the fringe and to simply belong. Communication can oftentimes be a frustrating way to seek to bridge the divide and does not always work. Even when it does, it can only be an illusion, for we each bring our history with us, so no relationship is simply in the ‘now’ but incorporates all that has gone on before. So language, facial expressions and body langu

markdohle

markdohle

 

A cliché

A cliché There are many ways to feel hunger. The first thought is of course the hunger for food, the filling of the inner void felt in the pit of the stomach. I have difficulty in dealing with this experience, in a way that is balanced and also healthful. Hunger causes tension, the stronger the tension, the deeper the release when something craved for is consumed. Perhaps this release gives a feeling of being grounded, present in the moment, since the anxiety of hunger is taken care of. So

markdohle

markdohle

 

The underneath

The underneath It was one of those nights. I woke up very early, about 10 PM and was not able to go back to sleep. At times, this waking up corresponds to an inner state that is much like the darkness that surrounds me in my room. Suddenly waking up, all there is in ones inner awareness. The different mask or personas that are worn during the day are no longer there, only me, with me, is present. It is a type of inner nakedness that I am sure many experience at certain times in their l

markdohle

markdohle

 

Pruning

Pruning Most people love to read fiction. Each with their favorite authors with their themes and heroes and heroines often conflicted, with other characters playing roles that are more black and white. Some on the other hand think fiction untrue, so they don’t read it. Now they may read autobiographies, but for me the content is much the same. We are able to get into the head of anther person and see life from their perspective. My theory about this is that we read fiction and autobiograph

markdohle

markdohle

 

Letting go

Letting go So, it is dark and a man or woman find themselves hanging onto the ledge of a cliff, not knowing how far the fall will be when they lose their grip. So they pray, “God help me, is there anyone up there”? There are two outcomes to this story, the one I will focus on is when God does answer, and his response is: “Let go”…..and the man looks up and retorts: “Is there anyone else up there I can talk to”? The story is humorous, yet like a great deal of humor it does strike a cord i

markdohle

markdohle

 

Inner form

Inner form What is my inner countenance beneath the fake smile, when the dark mist arises causing a ‘mood’ to manifest; well at least to me in my inwardness. I walk on egg shells around myself, if I don’t then others will making them responsible for the raging, moody, child within. So at times I forget to count, one, two, three……”screw it”, snap and say something harsh, cruel, and yes stupid. I stomp off like a three year old, simmer, think, ponder, knowing I wil

markdohle

markdohle

 

Inner brood

My inner brood Because I have a lot of inner voices vying for my attention, and being an ordinary kind of person, I then take it for granted that it is a common experience for the majority of people. Many of the voices are unpleasant, some louder than others, more troublesome and worrying. It is difficult to gage the actual age level of this inner rabble but would have to say the ones that give the most bother are very young indeed. Even as young as two years of age or even younger; which br

markdohle

markdohle

 

Laughter

Laughter I pretty much find humor everywhere, people, events, politics, faith; all have their humorous side for there is much that can be laughed about, not in cruelty, though humor can be used for that, or in mockery. Yet for the most part, I believe humor has at its root in compassion, for we tease, joke, and laugh together about our foibles, a humility of sorts, being able to laugh at ourselves. Carl Jung once said: "a person without a sense of humor should not be trusted," or som

markdohle

markdohle

 

The pearl

The pearl In the end, it is all about love, what we love, and how far we are willing to go to achieve what we desire. The pearl of great price, what is it? Is it the same for everyone, this wanting to the buy the field where the treasure is hidden from prying eyes? The human heart has many longings, urgent ones, that can cause a great deal suffering and frustration in life. I guess there are many pearls of great price that glimmer and attract our attention that in the end lead to emptiness

markdohle

markdohle

 

Little one

Little one Though I fail, fall, I will rise, for love calls me, mercy infinite, saying, love yourself, have compassion as I the infinite have, love yourself as you love your neighbor, have mercy on yourself as you do on those around you. Expand your heart allow grace to inflame you look to me the eternal who only loves, it is you who hate yourself, then create a false god in your image, I the Lord am beyond all images, I am emptiness, nothingness, freedom unbounded love wit

markdohle

markdohle

 

Corners

Corners People often have trouble with the Christian idea of God’s mercy and forgiveness, often thinking of it has some kind of escape clause given at the last minute. While it is true that mercy, no matter who proffers it, is something that is given freely; a true grace, something that is godlike in its bestowing…it is however not without cost. It is not in the natural order of things. For justice (or revenge) is easier to understand and also to carry out. No one can demand mercy for some

markdohle

markdohle

 

Reaching

reaching sometimes to simply reach waiting for a response, can be the bravest thing to do

markdohle

markdohle

 

Isolation

Isolation About twenty years ago, there was a man in our retreat house that seemed to be suffering from some form of mental illness. And because of that, was causing some problems with those who were simply trying to have a quiet retreat. I went over to have a visit with him and to talk a bit so I could see what the problem seemed to be. He was a nice man, in his early forties, well groomed and friendly; though he had trouble communicating in a way that made me feel (doubt) that there was an

markdohle

markdohle

 

Fiction and life

Fiction and life I have always loved fictional writings. Stories of another life, being able to get inside and see existence from the perspective of the people in the book, getting to know them and in the finale analysis, to be able to understand why they are, the way they are. Some say the fiction is not real, but actually it is. Since within the covers of the book are experiences both inward and outward, that the reader can resonate with, because in many ways we are very much alike. A d

markdohle

markdohle

 

Side kicks

Side kicks I kind of know when I will be taking someone to the emergency room; it is when I have a visitor. Donna (a classmate of mine) and her husband and sidekick Stan, were going to stop by for a short visit as they were making their way to Florida. If their plans worked out, they would arrive at their motel at six in the evening and we would spend some time together. So I thought; let’s see if something will happen to gum up the works. It was two in the afternoon when Rose called me to say

markdohle

markdohle

 

Saving a life

Saving a life I had an appointment at the VA yesterday. I go to the clinic in East Point, which is off Cleveland Ave., not far from the Atlanta airport. I was going in for a follow up on some findings that needed watching. The waiting room was pretty full, the TV as usual was on CNN news and most of the people seemed to be listening to it. In any case better than watching some reality show (I seem to hate all of them) or soap operas (ditto). I signed in, got me a cup of coffee and went look

markdohle

markdohle

 

The gift of a persistent friend

The gift of a persistent friend I have a friend that I guess I have known for about 8 years. At this time he is living down south, somewhere in Florida and we keep in contact by email and at times we IM each other when I am at my email address. He is a very kind man, with a big heart and very childlike in his desire to be of help for others. He is not perfect, but he seems to be learning from his past mistakes and trying ever harder to lead a good life. He so wants to help others but is

markdohle

markdohle

 

Razors edge

Razors edge Rocky, a friend of mine mentioned to me yesterday that she and her husband were going to visit Yellowstone Park soon. When she said that I immediately thought of the volcanic eruption that could (or will one day) take place there. As if reading my mind she jokingly said: “We may get there and soon after the eruption will take place”. We both laughed and kind of joked about it. Then we got a little more serious and we talked about what will happen not ‘if’ but ‘when’ it does fl

markdohle

markdohle

 

Rootedness

Rootedness What is the feeling of heaviness, or dullness that can hit almost anytime? It can also be felt as inner emptiness or coldness……or even as an inner void, which for me points to something well beyond the experience of being empty. Ennui some call it. In any case it is an experience that seems to be universal; at least it is from the people that I speak to on this subject. An inner experience in which no support seems to be available, or if some is found, it is often experienced as

markdohle

markdohle

 

Caaverns of emotion

Caverns of emotion (William) I sat with William for a while yesterday. Lately his emotional episodes are becoming more frequent and at times very distressful. He will often start out being in a vey good expansive mood; then it will morph and he will become very angry and somewhat belligerent, which will then slide him into a deep sadness causing him to weep without restraint. The sequel varies of course, for whatever he feels in the moment he experiences it totally…. it seems to become his w

markdohle

markdohle

 

The center

The center Love is the center from which all things flow, it is also the place of return. Love both attracts us and fills the heart with fear. Longing and fear can go together, along with anxiety and anger; yes our hopes and desires can take us places that we may fear to go. Love is like fire, it warms, sooths, is beautiful; yet it can also burn and turn to ashes if it is gotten to close, to soon, and not respected. Or so it seems, for is there anything after the nothingness of ashes? Vulnerab

markdohle

markdohle

 

Allowing

Allowing One of the biggest ‘why's' about life is the one on suffering, not only in our human world, but also in the world in general where all living things seem to suffer and die, often as food, just part of the food chain. Also as human beings, being the inward creatures that we are, there is also a host of psychological and emotional problems that often besets most of us during our lives. Then there is loneliness that can strike at anytime, a feeling of being outside looking in with no conn

markdohle

markdohle