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talking to myself

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About this blog

personal stuff

Entries in this blog

 

Hungry Ghost

Hungry Ghost I guess along with the search for happiness, there is also the unwelcome guest of suffering and its brother and sister, frustration and loss. A trinity of sorts, for in a sense they are really one, for what makes us happy can also drive us crazy, and like all things in this life, must leave us in one way or another. Try as we might nothing can really be clung to for very long, for one moment changes to another, in an unending line of seconds, minutes and hours. We are called to

markdohle

markdohle

 

Writing

Writing I was one of the participants on panel for retreatants, who were there to learn about writing and journal keeping, at first I felt a little out of place, but that soon passed. There were seven all total on the panel. To start off, we each gave some information about our writing. I was taken by how different each of us was in our responses to the question. I would like to share my response here. I started writing in the late 90’s; I was 50 and was trying to learn how to expres

markdohle

markdohle

 

Kay

Kay I met Kay (not her real name) for the first time last night in the retreat house. She was very attractive, 62 years old, intelligent, and she lived a very busy life. One of the first things she said to me, which was something I could sympathize with was: “before I die I want to get my act together”. Yes I could feel a great deal of empathy for her and I resonated deeply with that statement, for indeed I would love to get my act together also. I am almost 60, and I can say with t

markdohle

markdohle

 

Struggle

struggle I am sure there are 'good' people out there, some where, but within my soul only struggle and failure to be found, yes and the fight with despair that has yet to win, so in mercy and grace I hope with a strubbron streak to boot

markdohle

markdohle

 

Unmasked

Unmasked Slowly the skin is peeled back, the ego faced with its nakedness, before unknown, though a desire to flee from self revelation present, its futility understood, f or once shown, to retrace is impossible; when blindness lost, no matter how precious, gone forever, t he darkness no longer a refuge from the gift presented. Sharp and true is the two edged knife of self knowledge, wounding the soul deeply; anxieties, pain, unstable, fearful of the t

markdohle

markdohle

 

With chains unbound

With chains unbound You hide, we seek, You pursue we run, down alleyways of pain seeking everything, anything, leading to emptiness, the fruit despair. Yet the one thing necessary, feared, the inner confrontation, love’s intent, avoided at all cost. True freedom with chains unbound too much to bear, for flight demands the release of everything that keeps us chained.

markdohle

markdohle

 

Growng up in a large family

Growing up in a large family I am the 3rd of 11 children. There are 10 of us still living. The youngest being 49, the oldest 67, and for the most part we are all in decent health. Michael, who was the 10th of 11, died in 1958 three days after birth. He was three months premature and back in those days it was common for preemies to die. I remember sitting on the bed with my mom, who had just come back from the hospital. We talked about it, and at the time, it did not really register for

markdohle

markdohle

 

Mercy

Mercy I often wonder why it is so easy to write about pain, sorrow, struggle, and strife. I know that there is much of the above in the world, and I would suppose most of us, if perhaps not all, are often part of this drama, that makes up the pain of the world. Its weight is heavy, burdensome, to the point were death is longed for by those who get the brunt of its crushing power. No one is free from this; even the so called rich, the carefree, have an inner burden that they also must carry

markdohle

markdohle

 

Boxes don't fit

Boxes don’t fit I am amazed (though perhaps I should not be), at my insensitivity towards others. How I can say things about them (gossip), even at times laughing about what I am saying and then, if I hear about the same thing being said about me, well, I become offended, angry and hurt. I can demand that others change, not over time, but at once, so I can feel more comfortable, but then wonder, why others when I am criticized, don’t see how I am trying, and in many cases how limited my fre

markdohle

markdohle

 

Late night call

Late night call I got a call late last night, knowing it was going to be about Fred. It was his oldest son Michael, who wanted to fill me in on what was going on. I knew from speaking with his mother, Fran, that Fred was given the option of having a feeding tube inserted. That way he could be fed and so extend his life. It is a tough call. Fran told me she did not know what to do. I asked her what Fred wanted; she replied that he did not want the tube. So I responded that it would be go

markdohle

markdohle

 

Late night call

Late night call I got a call late last night, knowing it was going to be about Fred. It was his oldest son Michael, who wanted to fill me in on what was going on. I knew from speaking with his mother, Fran, that Fred was given the option of having a feeding tube inserted. That way he could be fed and so extend his life. It is a tough call. Fran told me she did not know what to do. I asked her what Fred wanted; she replied that he did not want the tube. So I responded that it would be go

markdohle

markdohle

 

A day with Victor

A day with Victor Four days ago Victor took a turn for the worse. He became very weak at breakfast and during the meal he threw up some bile. So we took him to his room and put him to bed. He is DNR, (do not resuscitate) but we always talk to them anyway, in case they have changed their mind. So we asked him if he wanted to go to the hospital to see what the problem is. His answer was no. So we left him in peace about that issue. He is a man who has a very good sense of humor, i

markdohle

markdohle

 

Color

Color On wings of silence you draw near, the roar of my inner chaos drowns you out, yet your presence sure like the sun overhead, still illumines my soul wounded deep. With you color returns to the world, often cold for hidden is love buried deep, barriers of fear and despair keep the darkness close, the inner void becomes my well known home, my intimate embrace with nothingness. Your light unquenchable still resides, my faith often cold still warms my heart, for in the

markdohle

markdohle

 

John H.

John H. John (not his real name) is a very immature adult, at least on an emotional level. In the 37 years that I have known him, 17 of those was spent in manifesting bullying behavior, to not only keep people at a distance, but also manipulate them through fear; which worked to his detriment as well as the community. Those in chare of him in the past feared him, and pretty much let him do what he wanted. The present administrator has also expressed his fear of John, though not to the exte

markdohle

markdohle

 

The experience of barren regions

The experience of barren regions The ‘desert experience’ is an oft used term that often brings forth a shiver to many, I know it can for me. For deserts can for those who are not used to them, seem to be truly desolate and barren. I remember the first time I experienced the desert for any length of time when I went to Santa Fe, to visit my brother Craig and my sister Judy, back in 2002. Driving along the highway towards Santa Fe with my sister was surreal, for I could have easily thought I

markdohle

markdohle

 

Years with William

Years with William Well the years certainly fly by, it does not seem like I have been taking care of William for almost eight years now. Four of them however have not been in the lock down unit. Before he came to the unit, we only kept a close eye on him, to watch the progression of his Alzheimer’s which at first started off slowly. It was only when he became a flight risk that we had to bring him into lock down. Before that there would be flare ups, and of course erratic behavior but he

markdohle

markdohle

 

EMDR

EMDR When I was young, I had a way that helped me to deal with painful situations. In my head I created a long hallway that really went on forever. It was a memory storage vault. It was a dark place, but when troubled I would drag the memory there and throw it into the room and slam the door shut, and lock it. I really don’t know how many rooms there are, but I guess there are quite a few. It is surprising that I can still remember so much, for my memories go back to the crib. I am not s

markdohle

markdohle

 

Between worlds

The older I get the more sensitive I am becoming to the inner turmoil that the death of another causes. It is not just the feeling of mourning, or the sorrow, because they can be felt in different degrees, depending on the person who has died. There is something else, and while it can be mixed within the sorrow and mourning, it is something that can also exist when the experience of personal loss might not be that great. As a caregiver I have experienced this every time someone has died, no m

markdohle

markdohle

 

Early times

Early times I suppose like most people a lot of my struggles (with my anger for instances) have their roots from my childhood or even from when I was an infant. I do have memories from being in the crib; in fact one of my earliest memories is lying on my stomach and my mother trying to give me a bottle of a juice of some kind; I think it was apple and I kept shoving it back out, it was to sweet for me I guess. I can say that I did not like being little, being picked up and put down somewhere

markdohle

markdohle

 

My teacher the knot

A friend of mine wanted me to make her a seven decade Franciscan rosary. Since she is a good friend I agreed to do it. I tend to just make wrist rosaries or as some call them prayer ropes. They take no time to make and are easy to use. Normally I don’t make the large ones but once in awhile is no problem This morning I decided to make the rosary and began. Sometimes the making of these large rosaries goes without a hitch, at other times the process is not so easy. Things went well un

markdohle

markdohle

 

Bardo

Bardo 2 flashes and images terrifying gods seeking revenge, then gentleness invades, deities sublime, over and over again life's challenge, ones reflection of hidden light and darkness projected in order to be seen

markdohle

markdohle

 

Deep memory

Deep memory The man looked at me silently for a time, just thinking over what I asked him. finally he sighed, looked down at his old worn hands, cracked his knuckles, and said, “are you sure you want to hear what I have to say”, for it is not all goodness and light, it seems that even in this event, you can’t have one without the other. So he began I have told this many times, some believe, others not, for what we believe, no matter what it is, limits us, puts up barriers, and will block

markdohle

markdohle

 

Another waiting room

Another waiting room Yesterday, I took Cal to have a procedure done; it was outpatient, done in his doctor’s private clinic. It would take about three hours, so I had plenty of reading material, as well as a note book for writing, if the mood struck me. The waiting room was small having 12 chairs ringing around the room. As we enter there was already a few people there, a family six strong and very southern, for I immediately picked up on their beautiful accents. I am a big fan of accents,

markdohle

markdohle

 

Riding the wave

Riding the wave Airports are interesting places to go to. Since Atlanta’s airport is so large, it is a wonderful area to just visit if watching people is an interest. Sometimes I will just sit back and watch the endless ebb and flow of people as they hurry back and forth. While I never have been interested in photography, there are times when I wish I did have that interest. Faces are truly great works of art and quite often I see one that I wish that I could capture on film. Photos hav

markdohle

markdohle

 

Inner fog

Inner fog In the worst of moments there is completeness, often hidden under layers of fear, anger and anxiety which can put up barriers of truly being present to what is simply happening. This is of course very difficult; at least it is from my experience. For I can go whole days lost in an inner fog of living either in the past, obsessing about the future, daydreaming if only the present were different, in other words, being anywhere but the here and now. In fact I think I can go whole day

markdohle

markdohle