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talking to myself

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About this blog

personal stuff

Entries in this blog

 

An encounter

I was parked in the Kroger parking lot here in Conyers, Ga., waiting for Ed to return from a stop he needed to make. As I sat in my car, making my brain even more dead by listening to talk radio, which seems to be saying, that the world is on the verge of being made into a smoothie, by the blender of the world situation. Just add some ice cream for flavor, and let Bush, or whoever is made the current villain, press the button. Add that to looking out on a very crowded parking lot and well you

markdohle

markdohle

 

My old tired struggle

My old tired struggle My innards boil, Rage like a fiery serpent taunt, Coiled with dark energy seeking a target, Lusting to strike, Unthinking. In a blessed unconscious moment, A scapegoat sought, To release my pent up repressed rage. Followed by shame, Repression yet again. Rage deep, In caverns bottomless hidden, Its roots wrapped around my heart Squeezing hard, Shattering the soul An endless maze with no escape, Or so it seems. Something false I sometimes

markdohle

markdohle

 

Odd that

We make God into a monster, Creating out of love we say he does, Yet, On the other hand, With fervor strong, deep, and hot, Claiming that evil in the end wins. The majority outside of God’s love To hell doomed, Fiery torment unending, Men and women like me, For some even children, Cosigned to eternal torture. How easy it slips from the tongue, A simple quote, Verse mentioned, To hell consigned, Darkness cold absolute, Satan wins with the greater number, While

markdohle

markdohle

 

One of those days

Yesterday was one of those days. You know how it is………as the hour’s progress things seem to build up, inner tension worsens, and about all that can be done is to simply try to get by without taking it out on someone else. I can get real short with people if my inner reserves get too stretched. I sometimes get a brittle feeling, sort of like dry taffy pulled to the point of tearing in into two pieces. I know it is just part of the cycle, moods change, energy levels vary, but that does not me

markdohle

markdohle

 

Flight

Dancing to the music Allowing the rhythm to lead, The intuitive flow the teacher, Leading the body in movement ecstatic, Freeing the mind of narcissistic concern, Only the moment important, Surfing the high wave of melody, Time forgotten, A taste of the eternal creative moment. Flying as the body moves, Mind, body, soul, becoming one, Flight possible in the dance, Weightless as the music possesses Feet forgotten allowing them to move In effortless union with the sou

markdohle

markdohle

 

Scattered on the wind

Why, I often asked myself, Are my insides in conflict? Saying one thing, doing the opposite, Acting strong in control, Knowing I am weak and compelled. I often feel like an undisciplined mob Scattered on the wind, Thoughts racing going nowhere. Yet, Who is it asking the question, This observer calmly looking on. Am I one or many? When death comes Is this observer the one who survives? The riddle life deepens, Knowing less each day, Yet the roots of faith hold st

markdohle

markdohle

 

Kindness unmentioned upon

What we take for granted is often of greatest value, Foolishly thought to be eternal When actually to be torn away suddenly, Leaving a void of regret Cold and dark filled with memories, Remembrance of a smile, The gentle touch, Kindness unmentioned upon, Now understood and mourned, Never again to be experienced From the one taken for granted. It is so easy to forget we are temporal, Impermanent, Our lives like morning mist soon to be gone. This forgetfulness comes at

markdohle

markdohle

 

Reasons

The days don’t fly by, They meld. Bumping into each other, So close are they. Each moment an invitation Seeking a response I often cannot give, For reasons I often don’t understand, At other times I do.

markdohle

markdohle

 

Good day's, bad day's

One of my duties when I arrive in the infirmary is to get Leo up, on the days the Hospice nurse does not come in. Because of his advanced Alzheimer’s he is eligible for hospice care, which is helpful for us. He has his own nurse, and a PCT comes in a couple of times a week for personal care. First thing in the morning, Leo is often ‘clear’. His aphasia seems to be less, and he can answer questions, speaking clearly. He can on most mornings, walk back and forth from the bathroom with a li

markdohle

markdohle

 

Not always a good idea

As I was leaving the dinning room today, I saw William at the table and stopped for awhile to see how he was doing. He seemed to be doing well, and after a brief discussion I went to the door, hit the combination and left. Before the lock could catch, William came through the door asking if he could talk to me for a moment. I could tell he was in a place of great discomfort, that for some reason he did not let me see when I was talking to him over the dinning room table. So we went into one

markdohle

markdohle

 

Gentle touch

A smiling face, or gentle touch, Often dispels the darkness surrounding me, Christ healing presence expressed in the simplest gestures. We are Christ to each other, Humble vessels used by the divine, Icons of the transcendent, channels of infinite love. The world a sacrament, People Eucharist, The Holy in the most humble places. Christ walked the earth, Our temple the ground we walk on, Those around us the sanctuary. To see and experience that grace before us, Within al

markdohle

markdohle

 

Hanging in frigid air

There are days when my heart is restless, un-rooted, Torn from the earth hanging in frigid air, Seeking once again a simple place of refuge, and peace, Often denied as I wander empty and sometimes frantic. The world seen as faded, without energy, unrelated, So I wander from thing to thing, Object to object, As an orphan seeking a home, warmth, and belonging. Neither books, nor food, nor music, nor prayer consoles, Like an earth bound soul I wander, The spirits inward cold, s

markdohle

markdohle

 

Rainy days

Yesterday was cloudy, rainy, cool, So peaceful without the bright sunlight Hurting the eyes and burning the skin. I so love fog, rain, mist and low lying clouds, As if you could reach up and almost touch them The sound of rain on leaves, both gentle and rough, Better than any kind of music to my ears, Causing deep thoughts to arise but in a peaceful sort of way. The gently glowing light on a book that I am reading, Feeling so at home in the grey like darkness. At night feelin

markdohle

markdohle

 

Never easy

I was with Ed this week on Wednesday, to attend a class on proper care of the heart. It dealt with diet, how to handle stress, and in the beginning there was a short movie on the inner workings of a heart attack. The film was well done, and the acting was also good. I think it was put out by the Discovery Channel. All in all it took three and one half hours. While there, my cell phone went off, so I had to leave the room to answer it. It was Rose, our RN, who notified me that Bob seems

markdohle

markdohle

 

Just life

Sometimes, I have days in my life when I don’t know what to write about, I just know that I want to write. It is almost like there are too many voices wanted to be heard, and when I sit down to write I am almost paralyzed; so many different direction to go in. Should I write about my past, a poem, or perhaps about my work? What about my emotions, my beliefs….. or perhaps to try some uncharted area in my life that I have yet to explore? Why am I writing anyway? When I was younger, I hated wr

markdohle

markdohle

 

Price to be paid

Love, wounds as it heals, It's blade cuts deep allowing blood to flow, The heart released from its frozen lonliness Open once again to life, Though there is often a price to be paid, It own kind of pain, But what would life be without it.

markdohle

markdohle

 

Slowing down

Tom was having some difficulty last night at about 6 PM. I got called, and went to his room. He was having some trouble breathing, or let’s say, he was breathing too fast. He was having an anxiety attack, which was kept looping back and making him go deeper into his anxiety, which of course is understandable. Since he was just in the hospital with congestive heart failure….. which was accompanied with great difficulty with his ability to breath, that would have no doubt killed him if not for

markdohle

markdohle

 

Backed into a corner

Well I jumped right into the saddle yesterday when I got back. It started when I was about two hours from Atlanta, when I got a phone call from Francis, that they had to take Tom into the ER. He was having trouble breathing, and was having serious chest pains when they called. Francis told me that he will go in and stay with Tom until he was admitted. I said that I would like to come in, after I get home and unpacked, since I have been taking care of Tom for so long, I would like to be there

markdohle

markdohle

 

Joy

Joy is like the sun on a spring morning Cool to the skin bringing hope to full bloom, Winds strong but welcome after a cold winter The awakening of nature, true balm to the sprit. Flowers bright in their new young life, The simplest with beauty beyond telling, Reaching up to heaven in the simple miracle of being, Drawing all who pass by into their vibrant happiness. The green leaves deep with strength, Filling the air with the music of their singing in their dance with

markdohle

markdohle

 

Seeking ways

Shriveled Alone the man in the wheelchair sat, head bowed bereft of comfort, Shrunken well beyond what he was in years not so long past, In a place he would rather not be, a journey he neither desired nor wants, Yet knowing this is his life what little he has left. Many "if only-s" run through his head, Knowing that nothing could now be done The knot now tied cannot be loosened, His past is written in stone. Still he hopes when loved ones appear, Seeking ways to let them know

markdohle

markdohle

 

Hidden

Failure weighs heavy on those who strive, Weakness apparent to those seeking to be strong, Those who love, know of their hidden struggle with hate, The gentle alone often know of rage unseen, Ones blessed with compassion know of emptiness, Stretched to the limit feeling brittle and dry. To seek, The experience of being lost is needed, To give, The need to receive is also present, Love is also based on give and take, If it is to grow. Freedom is the hardest road of all,

markdohle

markdohle

 

Three friends out to dinner

Three friends out to dinner on a warm fall evening, Work mates seeking company in a different milieu, Putting the daily grind behind, and just being in each others company, Eating, drinking, and laughing up a storm, taking about everything and anything. Funny situations from the past, Movies, Yes also about work, Each brings out laughter loud and pure. Ordering enough for six and not just three, The table full to overflowing with beautiful Cuisine, Sushi of all kinds, rolls l

markdohle

markdohle

 

Bob

Bob is in moving into his late 80’s, doing ok, but along with his aphasia he is starting to get more confused. He does not have Alzheimer’s, but his confusion seems to becoming more and more a permanent state. Add to this his inability to communicate what he wants into the equation, and you get a fair amount of frustration for him on a daily basis. He sometimes gets worried that he has a doctor’s appointment in town, and will obsess over it, until we can convince him that he does have an app

markdohle

markdohle

 

Taking a chance

I tend to be adventurous when it comes to food. If I see something on the menu that I have not had before, or even heard of, I tend to order it. I have seldom been disappointed when I take a chance and do it. I remember the first time I went to a Japanese restaurant with some friends. They told me that I had to try Sushi, raw fish, and at first I was not too keen on the idea. So we went to our table and I looked at the menu. I saw all kinds of dishes that I have never heard of, so decided

markdohle

markdohle

 

Garden walk

No one knows how much better Leo will get, but today he seemed to show some improvement. He was also able to talk coherently upon awakening, for a longer period of time than what had up to that point been the norm for him. He got restless about mid-morning, and it was decided to try to take him for a longer walk than usual. So he was prepared, and we went for a stroll together. A belt was placed around his waist, something to hold on to in case he should lose his balance while walking, and n

markdohle

markdohle