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talking to myself

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About this blog

personal stuff

Entries in this blog

 

Nightmare

Nightmare Dreams speak of deepest fears, Spoken in images bringing terror In living color at time stalking Through forest foggy hidden in mist Clammy and cold the skin Something lurks hidden moving slowly Inexorably patiently Seeking the dreamer unhurried Eyes gleaming red Wanting what the runner knows not Heart racing pounding Fear exploding upward Seeking escape from terror unrelenting Legs numb moving slowly From that which hungrily pursues Surrounded by those laughing Mock

markdohle

markdohle

 

Awards

Awards I suppose, that if awards could be given out on being the ‘worst’ of anything, I guess the one I would get, is on how I supervise. I am really bad at it, awful, something that I find extremely hard to do with any kind of consistency. I hate to use the old saying “there are two kinds of people”, yet in this case there may actually be a great deal of truth to it. For instance, some people micro-manage, they have to keep an eye everything. Looking over the shoulders of those who wo

markdohle

markdohle

 

First visit

First visit I was on my way to my first appointment with the VA yesterday, had my directions that they sent me, and started off to South East Atlanta for my appointment. I do not know that area very well, but the map was simple enough, so I did not think I would have any trouble. Boy am I naïve! After getting thru the first traffic jam, something that seems to part of any every trip to Atlanta, if going in the PM, I got to my exit with ten minutes to spare, and since the directions told

markdohle

markdohle

 

A ramble

I remember visiting some of the family in Texas, it was in 1976 and I guess I spent about 4 months there. I was 26, questioning on which direction that I wanted my life to go in. I was not in any kind of crisis, but just realized that I needed to think about some things, and to try to figure out why I made certain choices, and come to some kind of decision if I wanted to continue in the direction I was going. Since I was only going to be there a short time, I got a job on a construction site a

markdohle

markdohle

 

A day out

Sometimes, when driving in town, I am almost overwhelmed by all the traffic, the noise, and also by witnessing the rapidity in which Atlanta and its surrounding area is growing. Yesterday I drove Richard to a 4 PM appointment in a part of Metropolitan Atlanta that I was not familiar with, at a time when rush hour traffic is just beginning. The appointment was in Lawrenceville, a town about 30 miles from were we began our journey. Got me a yahoo map off the computer, and the shortest route was

markdohle

markdohle

 

The searing Sun

The sun merciless in its pounding heat, Seared the skin exposed, No protection to be found Walking the long lonely road. Thirst also a constant companion, Silent in its urgent longing, Inwardly screaming for the cool liquid Its only hope to survive Then On the horizon something was seen Causing hope to arise that was lost, The smell of moisture Torture delightful, A slight cool breeze Mixed with the hot dry sun bleached air, Like a moth to a flame drew thirst,

markdohle

markdohle

 

The child

The child looked up at god Angry it seems Stumbling and falling Smelling of Rum Weeping one moment Laughing insanely the next Eyes wild and hair eschew Covered in his own vomit While the goddess for the child Cringes Weeping also Cowering with no time for the one watching Fearing the strikes that will fall on both Life beat out of her Her spirit broke waiting only for death Release into oblivion The child hid Watched and learned The ways of a god and goddess

markdohle

markdohle

 

Oblivious

Oblivious The walls go up slowly, creeping like a vine overtaking a house unnoticed over the years by the one inside. for others saddened by the retreat chained by their helplessness to break through; knowing that they must move forward seeking what they desire elsewhere, leaving the imprisoned behind...... oblivious to what is lost, believing the inner cold and solitude freedom, when in reality it is a death, becoming apparent when life flees, the body cold and the wall is no long

markdohle

markdohle

 

Memories

He sits calmly with his smile, Peacefully listening to Billy’s soft smooth voice, Liquid gold, Its flow so pure Calming the mind Allowing memories of past days remembrance, Of youth taken for granted but now just a dream Jazz is number one He often tells me so, Summertime his favorite song, Looking inward as he listens Perhaps reliving his younger days A time when the song was popular. He was young Playing his violin during the day, Jazz clubs at night, Sipping

markdohle

markdohle

 

Questions

Who seeks (?), What is it that pursues us (?), Down the corridors of time of each small life So quickly over with nothing to mark its passing, Forgotten in short order by all. Grace of offering being the stable point, In the depths, Waiting, In patience infinite, Centered unmoving. While all else changes in rapid sequence Moving towards greater chaos and dysfunction; With dying being the end for all. Each death is the end of the universe, The dark valley entered by e

markdohle

markdohle

 

Pursued

Pursued The gift of melody with it different rhythms, Soft, and gentle, soothing the soul; Or fast pounding in its is presentation, Causing the blood to burn as it flows, Bringing life and the joy of movement to the fro, Is like an arrow with it point aflame Piercing the heart causing waters to burst forth, A fountain of healing mist Bringing life to an otherwise inner desert, Parched and longing, Thirsting for the living stream Which only certain melodies can release.

markdohle

markdohle

 

Back and forth and in the middle

There are times As the wheel of life turns; Energy low, Interest nowhere to be found, Seeing life in tones of grey, Only desiring sleep without dreaming. To just forget Rest in oblivion, No stress to bother nor worry. No affliction of the mind, The heart asleep It restless search for a time at peace At other times the world seems to be afire with beauty Energy enough to have interest in all that comes; Time for friends, Life seen in vibrant colors Aglow with e

markdohle

markdohle

 

Moods

Well I sighed to myself late yesterday afternoon, looked at myself in the rearview mirror in the car and said: a mood is coming on. I sometimes get raw around the edges, in which everything bothers me, the phone ringing, someone wanting my attention, perhaps the chores I know that need to be done but don’t want to do them. It feels like things are piling up, which leads to the emotion of being closed in and perhaps even trapped, and I hate that feeling on any level, of being closed in. I was

markdohle

markdohle

 

Clouds

The clouds so beautiful Their forms diverse ever changing Flowing from one form into another In an effortless dance Moving to an inner rhythm Unheard But the beauty of movement there for all to see In silence profound

markdohle

markdohle

 

The rift

Faith in what….. In what can be seen, Or felt, Held in ones arms? Believing in something Unfelt, Hidden deep within the nature of things Seen but as through a veil Can seem to be impossible Absurd Irrational A flight of fancy Is it intuition that brings this about, A hidden touch An experience Useless to try to explain? Some have it some don't The rift betwixt immense Each seeing the other from a distance Contempt easy

markdohle

markdohle

 

Angel unwares

I meet Frank One day in 93 Came to the home On a mission Of mercy and care Or so he thought The one he came to see Was not happy A warning Something was amiss So he came and stayed for awhile Off his meds he was Crazy as a loon And such language Would make a truck driver blush He would smile sweetly And bow slightly And then start cursing vilely Causing waves of confusion In a usually quiet serene place I saw him Talked to him and said This is not wo

markdohle

markdohle

 

What if?

I wonder how things would change, If it is even possible, Perhaps only by grace can such a thing happen, If when looking into the face of a person truly evil, Or thought to be so by human standards, By any standard if the truth be told, One who has caused pain and misery Beyond comprehension On untold numbers. What if Looking upon such a one. Hated. Reviled by all, What if by a miracle of grace and healing, We saw a creature Loved infinitely by God How would tha

markdohle

markdohle

 

The great difficulty

The inner world that each person has is truly an amazing phenomenon taken for granted; something so obvious and that often does not get much thought or attention. Yet it is what goes on in the inner universe that leads to the many different interpretation about what is really going on in the world outside, the world looked upon and the illusion that goes with it…… that objectivity is somehow reached in how events and people are weighed and judged. I lug around with me almost 58 years of exper

markdohle

markdohle

 

Backed into a corner

Backed into a corner Working with the elderly has given me a certain perspective on life that others perhaps share, but don’t have it presented to them all the time like I do where I work. As we age we are at least for most of us, slowly but surely backed into a corner, were finally a place is reached, often feared by most, in which they have arrived at the point in their lives where they need to be taken care of. Once vibrant, strong and independent people are faced with the reality that

markdohle

markdohle

 

The maze

The maze The maze Its corridors going nowhere In a circle with the exit there hidden Impossible to find Until stopping seems to be the only solution Frantic searching useless Leading further into the labyrinth. Like the mind with its endless turning The same thoughts Arguments or excuses Played over and over thru out a lifetime With no escape from it insistent whispering Separating from reality those caught in its web Victim hood a harsh task master Blaming everyone

markdohle

markdohle

 

Breathe

Breathe in the pain of the world And then breathe it out again. Allow your compassion to flow, Unite with those who suffer like you And then let the air flow outward Into the loving light of the Eternal One….. Who also breathes in the pain of the world And embraces those who suffer….. See yourself in others, Of the image thrown back be not afraid; For indeed we are one And with one heart we beat Though not so obvious at times. Whatever you do to the least, You do to

markdohle

markdohle

 

The awakening

Emotions simmer, Sitting unobserved, Out of sight out of mind as the saying goes, Except things repressed Continue to boil, The pressure often below awareness, Until one sunny day One word Or a look Will bring the restraints crashing down, The magma rising to the surface, The explosion changing the landscape Destroying friendships, Marriages, Perhaps a life ended without warning, The one left not knowing what happened, Not understanding the cold rage that came to

markdohle

markdohle

 

In the face of eternity

Absurdity at times seems to rule, The days pass in a rapidity unstoppable Death moving ever closer, The past growing ever longer, Then one day the future is short, Time once seeming to be abundant Shows it scarcity As the end comes into sight. Seeing the cliff that will propel over into darkness Eternal our exit from this life All our pains, Joys, Sorrows and fears Meaning nothing, Gone like vapor, Like the blossom of the rose gone in a few days. In the darkness a

markdohle

markdohle

 

First time offender (perhaps there is no answer)

Locked within a small cell the first time offender sat Longing to look out the window to high for him to view His punishment harsh but deserved Still There was hope for change when his time began The jungle he now lives in has other plans for him Beat down Abused and raped A gang the only way to be safe Bonded strong Loyalty deep A family adopted and loved All others enemies outside to be used or killed Whatever is convenient at the time Humanity slowly dying In th

markdohle

markdohle

 

God's will

God is such a funny term, So generic and easy to use, It slips off the tongue smoothly Either in praise or in a curse, Easy to make trivial, To seek to box in By certain theologies or beliefs, Thinking that the mind of God can be known, Expressed shamefully By simple quotes, Thereby damming those who are different; Who see the eternal with different understandings. God's image is what we are made in, The eternal not in ours, Though in reality that is what is most w

markdohle

markdohle