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talking to myself

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personal stuff

Entries in this blog

 

In the face of eternity

Absurdity at times seems to rule, The days pass in a rapidity unstoppable Death moving ever closer, The past growing ever longer, Then one day the future is short, Time once seeming to be abundant Shows it scarcity As the end comes into sight. Seeing the cliff that will propel over into darkness Eternal our exit from this life All our pains, Joys, Sorrows and fears Meaning nothing, Gone like vapor, Like the blossom of the rose gone in a few days. In the darkness a

markdohle

markdohle

 

First time offender (perhaps there is no answer)

Locked within a small cell the first time offender sat Longing to look out the window to high for him to view His punishment harsh but deserved Still There was hope for change when his time began The jungle he now lives in has other plans for him Beat down Abused and raped A gang the only way to be safe Bonded strong Loyalty deep A family adopted and loved All others enemies outside to be used or killed Whatever is convenient at the time Humanity slowly dying In th

markdohle

markdohle

 

God's will

God is such a funny term, So generic and easy to use, It slips off the tongue smoothly Either in praise or in a curse, Easy to make trivial, To seek to box in By certain theologies or beliefs, Thinking that the mind of God can be known, Expressed shamefully By simple quotes, Thereby damming those who are different; Who see the eternal with different understandings. God's image is what we are made in, The eternal not in ours, Though in reality that is what is most w

markdohle

markdohle

 

Then they understand

Treading is what people often do, Just trying to keep the head above water, Struggling to stay afloat With no surcease in sight. Often alone with no one to say a kind word Or offer a helping hand. They are all around us, Passing our way on the street, Our neighbors, Even friends, Yet often they are not seen Since it is hidden away. Their hearts heavy laden With life’s burdens; They are often experienced as a pest To be avoided, Since to truly see what is undernea

markdohle

markdohle

 

The critic

I think my harshest critic is myself, perhaps which is why I am not overly concerned about what others think of me. They could never be as hard on me as I am. I often get stuck in the same old rut over and over again. Perhaps that is why I am always writing about the wheel, and trying to simply either get off or to stop the cycle. In some areas I have done that, while in others I am still strapped to the outer rim going around and around helpless to get off. One reason is that I don’t want t

markdohle

markdohle

 

We are all teachers

We pass each other every day, Nodding and smiling Then forgetting the face of the one just pasted. Like a river people come into our lives, Some part and flow around us Others come ashore in one way or another. Some to bring joy into our lives, Others sorrow, Still a few to bring great suffering, Teaching us how to deal with anger; Resentment with it unrelenting pain, Grabbing by the neck and shaking without mercy Until the lesson learned and the cycle broken. Each leav

markdohle

markdohle

 

One thought

One thought, It grows slowly at first, Then it spreads, Takes root; Its tendrils encasing the soul Allowing no rest from the inner chatter. Thoughts become obsessive Overly focused, Until the act is done And a life ruined. A story often repeated With no lesson learned By those who hear The sad tale so often played out

markdohle

markdohle

 

The dance

Joy and sorrow are partners in the dance of life A tango or perhaps a two step who knows, One leading and then the other In an interplay of happiness and loss Both needed for the other to exist at all. For joy alone becomes nothing, Flat, Like the ocean without waves, So calm that life lessens, The intensity gone with only boredom remaining. In this world both must be present For the pilgrims journey to continue, Over the mountain And thru the dark valley That each mu

markdohle

markdohle

 

Something eventful

Carl Jung coined the word “synchronicity” to denote an experience that so coincides with a need that it seems to be somehow part an parcel of reality. Most people have these experiences, some so outlandish that those who have them are convinced that there is something greater than they are involved. There is one book out call “when God winks” to discuss this phenomenon. I suppose I have had my share, and I would like to relate one of these experiences that happened to me many years ago,

markdohle

markdohle

 

Dr. George G. Ritchie,

Dr. George G. Ritchie, a psychiatrist who, as a young man at Camp Barkeley in Texas, "died" for nine minutes during a horrible bout of pneumonia and claimed to have been shown the afterlife by none other than Jesus. You discern. We wrote about him a while back and feel compelled to revisit aspects we could not focus upon back then, for the experience was powerful at many unexplored levels. When he saw Jesus, wrote Dr. Ritchie, it was a far more masculine power than he expected, not the meek im

markdohle

markdohle

 

Philips life review

He lies peacefully in his bed Now his permanent home Where he rules all he surveys Often entertaining many who drop by With smiles and laughter Pointing and non-stop talking happy with the attention From the many he knew in years long passed Many come and he welcomes them Though no one else can see. Nonetheless the attention that he favors them with, Is real, Patiently listening to what they have to say Reliving past episodes, That brings forth tears of joy and sorro

markdohle

markdohle

 

A walk by the sea

The bright sun on the white sand and rocks Reflected a strong glare causing the eyes to water, The blue sky empty of clouds opened up to infinity, The cool breeze with the sweet smell of the salty water Allowing calm to descend were just a moment ago was missing. The sound of the waves pounding the beach, So soothing its crashing upon the sand Its rhythm allowing the mind to rest in peace deeper than sleep, A refreshing break from simply existing apart, Drawing into the oneness

markdohle

markdohle

 

The price paid

Loss is a silent companion, Its cold embrace, Empty of all that was before Fits like a black vest, Tightly zipped, Forced up to the throat Blocking breath, Clinging in its need to feed. With no where to go or hide Since it is in the heart, The center of life That the void is felt. Unrelenting in its lovemaking, That leads only further down the road of loneliness, Where all fears are felt to be true, In a place that is shorn of all color or vibrancy. To dare love

markdohle

markdohle

 

Perfection

The frog sat without movement Blinking in the mist laden air, Surrounded by fog and padded silence; Its color a bright green With eyes large and dark Lending a serene beauty As it patiently waited for whatever it needed Food or a mate I did not know As it sat unmindful of its perfection, Or the effect it had on me.

markdohle

markdohle

 

Remembering

Had lunch with Leo this Wednesday, and decided to try a new place for lunch. Probably did it more for me than for him, since I am not sure he remembers our trips, at least in a detailed manner. He always responds positively to the new images that he gets from his surroundings, and also likes the music that is played over the speaker system. That day they were playing R & B tunes which he seems to enjoy very much. As usual I had to show him how to use his straw for the tea, but he caugh

markdohle

markdohle

 

The end of a conversation

Failure stared him in the face Mocking all that he has ever tried to do, Seeking to lead him down the path of regret, That eventually can mature into despair Leading into the world that is colored ever so softly In shades of grey. Easy on the eye but lifeless and silent, The wrong kind that leads into nihilism, A world in which nothing matters Nothing last or is important. The man was used to the world of soft shadows Knowing well the dust filled land A drought that choke

markdohle

markdohle

 

Joy is there

Joy is there The light ever present enveloping Upholding the one loved. Often hidden but at work none the less even if in secret. Slowly bringing to light the fruit long in coming Overcoming the darkness of fear Depression Failure That often haunts those who seek the good The conflict often wounding Forcing the broken to choose to move forward To trust That Joy will win out in the end No matter how bleak it seems. Life is not dark Though at times it seems so Suff

markdohle

markdohle

 

Each day

Each day so much like one before it Just little differences That make some stand out, Remembered, Even pondered, While the rest sink into forgetfulness, Oblivion, Never again to see the light. Memories hide, Forgotten, Buried in the cave beneath thought, With roots deep, Alive, Influencing in secret That makes us a mystery to ourselves In how we sometimes are. Am I my past or am I my thoughts at this moment? What will I be in the future? Perhaps I am none o

markdohle

markdohle

 

With its depth

The pain of the world, Its sorrow, Weighs heavily in all our hearts, Some more in touch than others With its depth. Many hide from its sting Becoming tough, Cynical, Angry, Aloof, Anything to keep empathy, Compassion, At bay, That if allowed to grow Will make the heart bleed, Weep, Moan for all their brothers and sisters, Suffering with no one to help, Or to be with. Does God weep? Being present to all, No way to deflect The agony Of all the children

markdohle

markdohle

 

Trust the process

There is a proverb that always seems to speak to me…..”Trust the process”…..a simple statement no doubt, but when meditated upon when going thru some change in life, can be very helpful, and even comforting. Change can bring to the surface many conflicting emotions, and feelings; excitement, fear, and anxiety, with each flowing thru the conscious awareness one after another, sometimes perhaps being experienced all at once. Causing a swift experience of “ups” and “downs”, that can be unnervi

markdohle

markdohle

 

The two step

Learning a new job is like learning a new dance step. I remember when my sister-in-law tried to show me how to do the 2-step. Looks easy, and it is, but learning to do it without counting takes some time; meanwhile the actual counting also makes it hard to do, since it interferes with the actual rhythm that is needed to do anything right, be it dancing or not; to do it properly Right now I am so busy trying to get all the “details” right that it takes me twice the time that it took Theresa to

markdohle

markdohle

 

Like an infant

He is like an infant now In his geriatric chair Table up so he cannot fall, If he tries to stand up on his own. He does not know he cannot walk He stills smiles when his name is called Laughs at jokes Loves music Is present to those around How much no one knows He leans to his right Almost over the arm rest Nothing can be done to make him straight When ask if he has pain He responds he is comfortable Eats only soft foods Stating to have trouble taking meds He s

markdohle

markdohle

 

Talk on Resentment, anger and forgiveness

Early years (2 years Old) put in foster home Became hyper self aware (still am) No one to depend on Just myself Hyper alert in a dark lonely place This is abandonment Something every child has to face at one time or another Mine came sooner rather than later. Had to be done Rent problems Parents came every weekend I withheld my affection knowing they were leaving again. Became self contained Impersonal towards others Unable to break this As the years stacked up. E

markdohle

markdohle

 

Choosing my battles

Choosing my battles In taking care of the sick, there are two things that I have learned. The first is to choose my battles, to know what can be dealt with for the benefit of my patient, and what needs to be let go off, since to pursue it would only cause more harm than good. I suppose diet is one of the hardest things to deal with. For many of us our eating habits can be a bit compulsive and our choices bad for us. I have a man I am taking care of at this time, who is rapidly gaining wei

markdohle

markdohle

 

I wonder

I often wonder what it will be like for me when I get old. As I take care of my patients I often picture myself in their position in the not so distant future, and wonder if I won’t be saying over and over again “so that was what it was like”. Last night trying to clean Edmund, he got very angry at me, since he had no idea what I was doing. He did not want me to take off his wet clothes, or clean him. I spent about 30 minutes just talking softly to him, explaining what I was doing, which

markdohle

markdohle