Inner form
What is my inner countenance
beneath the fake smile,
when the dark mist arises
causing a ‘mood’ to manifest;
well at least to me in my inwardness.
I walk on egg shells around myself,
if I don’t then others will
making them responsible
for the raging, moody, child within.
So at times I forget to count,
one, two, three……”screw it”,
snap and say something harsh,
cruel,
and yes stupid.
I stomp off like a three year old,
simmer,
think,
ponder,
knowing I wil
My inner brood
Because I have a lot of inner voices vying for my attention, and being an ordinary kind of person, I then take it for granted that it is a common experience for the majority of people. Many of the voices are unpleasant, some louder than others, more troublesome and worrying. It is difficult to gage the actual age level of this inner rabble but would have to say the ones that give the most bother are very young indeed. Even as young as two years of age or even younger; which br
Laughter
I pretty much find humor everywhere, people, events, politics, faith;
all have their humorous side for there is much that can be laughed about,
not in cruelty, though humor can be used for that, or in mockery.
Yet for the most part, I believe humor has at its root in compassion,
for we tease, joke, and laugh together about our foibles, a humility of sorts,
being able to laugh at ourselves.
Carl Jung once said: "a person without a sense of humor should not be trusted,"
or som
The pearl
In the end, it is all about love, what we love, and how far we are willing to go to achieve what we desire. The pearl of great price, what is it? Is it the same for everyone, this wanting to the buy the field where the treasure is hidden from prying eyes? The human heart has many longings, urgent ones, that can cause a great deal suffering and frustration in life. I guess there are many pearls of great price that glimmer and attract our attention that in the end lead to emptiness
Little one
Though I fail,
fall,
I will rise,
for love calls me,
mercy infinite,
saying,
love yourself,
have compassion as I the infinite have,
love yourself as you love your neighbor,
have mercy on yourself
as you do on those around you.
Expand your heart
allow grace to inflame you
look to me the eternal
who only loves,
it is you who hate yourself,
then create a false god in your image,
I the Lord am beyond all images,
I am emptiness,
nothingness,
freedom unbounded
love wit
Corners
People often have trouble with the Christian idea of God’s mercy and forgiveness, often thinking of it has some kind of escape clause given at the last minute. While it is true that mercy, no matter who proffers it, is something that is given freely; a true grace, something that is godlike in its bestowing…it is however not without cost. It is not in the natural order of things. For justice (or revenge) is easier to understand and also to carry out. No one can demand mercy for some
Isolation
About twenty years ago, there was a man in our retreat house that seemed to be suffering from some form of mental illness. And because of that, was causing some problems with those who were simply trying to have a quiet retreat. I went over to have a visit with him and to talk a bit so I could see what the problem seemed to be. He was a nice man, in his early forties, well groomed and friendly; though he had trouble communicating in a way that made me feel (doubt) that there was an
Fiction and life
I have always loved fictional writings. Stories of another life, being able to get inside and see existence from the perspective of the people in the book, getting to know them and in the finale analysis, to be able to understand why they are, the way they are. Some say the fiction is not real, but actually it is. Since within the covers of the book are experiences both inward and outward, that the reader can resonate with, because in many ways we are very much alike.
A d
Side kicks
I kind of know when I will be taking someone to the emergency room; it is when I have a visitor. Donna (a classmate of mine) and her husband and sidekick Stan, were going to stop by for a short visit as they were making their way to Florida. If their plans worked out, they would arrive at their motel at six in the evening and we would spend some time together. So I thought; let’s see if something will happen to gum up the works.
It was two in the afternoon when Rose called me to say
Saving a life
I had an appointment at the VA yesterday. I go to the clinic in East Point, which is off Cleveland Ave., not far from the Atlanta airport. I was going in for a follow up on some findings that needed watching. The waiting room was pretty full, the TV as usual was on CNN news and most of the people seemed to be listening to it. In any case better than watching some reality show (I seem to hate all of them) or soap operas (ditto). I signed in, got me a cup of coffee and went look
The gift of a persistent friend
I have a friend that I guess I have known for about 8 years. At this time he is living down south, somewhere in Florida and we keep in contact by email and at times we IM each other when I am at my email address. He is a very kind man, with a big heart and very childlike in his desire to be of help for others. He is not perfect, but he seems to be learning from his past mistakes and trying ever harder to lead a good life. He so wants to help others but is
Razors edge
Rocky, a friend of mine mentioned to me yesterday that she and her husband were going to visit Yellowstone Park soon. When she said that I immediately thought of the volcanic eruption that could (or will one day) take place there. As if reading my mind she jokingly said: “We may get there and soon after the eruption will take place”. We both laughed and kind of joked about it. Then we got a little more serious and we talked about what will happen not ‘if’ but ‘when’ it does fl
Rootedness
What is the feeling of heaviness, or dullness that can hit almost anytime? It can also be felt as inner emptiness or coldness……or even as an inner void, which for me points to something well beyond the experience of being empty. Ennui some call it. In any case it is an experience that seems to be universal; at least it is from the people that I speak to on this subject. An inner experience in which no support seems to be available, or if some is found, it is often experienced as
Caverns of emotion (William)
I sat with William for a while yesterday. Lately his emotional episodes are becoming more frequent and at times very distressful. He will often start out being in a vey good expansive mood; then it will morph and he will become very angry and somewhat belligerent, which will then slide him into a deep sadness causing him to weep without restraint. The sequel varies of course, for whatever he feels in the moment he experiences it totally…. it seems to become his w
The center
Love is the center from which all things flow, it is also the place of return. Love both attracts us and fills the heart with fear. Longing and fear can go together, along with anxiety and anger; yes our hopes and desires can take us places that we may fear to go. Love is like fire, it warms, sooths, is beautiful; yet it can also burn and turn to ashes if it is gotten to close, to soon, and not respected. Or so it seems, for is there anything after the nothingness of ashes?
Vulnerab
Allowing
One of the biggest ‘why's' about life is the one on suffering, not only in our human world, but also in the world in general where all living things seem to suffer and die, often as food, just part of the food chain. Also as human beings, being the inward creatures that we are, there is also a host of psychological and emotional problems that often besets most of us during our lives. Then there is loneliness that can strike at anytime, a feeling of being outside looking in with no conn
A little thought
It is interesting how a little thought will just pop up with no seeming connection to what is going on at the time. I left my room this morning and was walking towards the infirmary, when the thought, or perhaps it was a prayer, came to mind. I said, "Lord it is true isn't it, we really are flowers of the field". I am not the kind of person that likes to have flowers all around me all of the time and I don't feel a desire to have them in my private room either. I tend to l
Deeper understanding
I tend to think that most preaching and bible quoting is a waste of time, if the person doing the deed does not bring his or her own humanity into the mix. Pounding on the bible and quotation jumping and the pointing of fingers, can often be a diversion that is shared by one click speaking against another. My sister Jane, who is a very caring Christian, who does a great deal of work with addicts, as well as with women who have been abused, once asked me this question: "M
Stasis
I wonder what would happen if I actually got it, arrived, did it, and got it right. If that ever happened I would imagine that I would find inner stasis for a short time and then it would crumble into a heap (well it has happened). There seems to people around me who have done the above (arrived), but perhaps I also give that impression to those around me at times. I talk and smile, joke and argue and do my job (well sort of). Yet inside, much of which is closed off from my conscious
Chanting prayer
It was one of those mornings with William, a common event, yet not everyday,
so when it happens it is always somewhat of a surprise, though not a big one.
He wakes up, and gives me and whomever else is helping; for it takes two clean him,
a certain look, a WTF look, wary, cunning, fearful, trying to figure what is going on,
yet failing, so he becomes very angry, screaming, trying to get us away from him,
yet of course we can’t, like so many times before, it simply has to be
Paradox 2
When in a pious mood all can seem easy, and I would suppose I can get a little arrogant over it, as if I had somehow arrived at some kind of exalted state, to be enthroned there forever and ever, amen. It is of course all nonsense, just another turn of the wheel, signifying nothing of what is actually taking place. Perhaps it is a place of rest, though at times I think it is a port, a place for me to see into how shallow I can really be, and how the roots of my faith are indeed in t
Love of self
There are reasons that Christ calls us to love our neighbor as ourselves, which is something often forgotten by those on the path. There is a false sense of humility, of which I fall into, that goes directly against this commandment of Christ. How I think I can love others but still hold pockets of contempt and little regard for myself is something I am still trying to work through. For if truth be told, I am often the least that Christ identifies with, therefore I am called upo
Chess
One pawn after another lost,
years pass and a bishop or knight destroyed,
one day a castle is overcome.
One after another pieces lost
until only the Queen remains;
the strongest hope,
then she is captured.
Checkmate
death wins again.
You can slow the game down,
yet like flowers we wither and fade,
called into another mystery
that terrifies.
Some kinds of death are long and drawn out. Not necessarily painful, just a slow breaking down that takes years to arrive at its end. In a way it sounds like simple aging, but give it a name like “Alzheimer’s” and it becomes something different altogether. It is not about growing old gracefully, since those afflicted will often be living in the past forgetting about the present. Or if the present is confronted, it last but a moment in time. So those taking care of them will become different
