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talking to myself

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About this blog

personal stuff

Entries in this blog

 

Waking up from a deep slumber

Waking up from a deep slumber One day I was in the retreat house doing dishes. This was 30 years ago. I was feeling very unsettled, in a very bad mood and struggling not to take it out on anyone. As I was fuming, doing dishes, one of the young monks came up to me and said: “Brother Mark, why is it you are always so peaceful and centered?” I was shocked that he would say something like that to me, when in my interior it felt like I was in the midst of an internal earthquake. He smile

markdohle

markdohle

 

Waking up a little bit at a time

Waking up a little bit at a time Br. Mark, I am devastated! I lost the love of my life, my soul mate!—Michael S. It was Thursday, late for here in our retreat house, about 5PM, when I heard a knock on our front door. I have noticed that as I age that I am more in touch with my ‘inner cranky self’ and actually channel my father. So I said “O for Pete’s sake’ and got up. However by the time I got to the door ‘my inner child’ came back and I was able to smile at the man who want

markdohle

markdohle

 

Waiting on the Lord

Waiting on the Lord One aspect of prayer, one that is often uncomfortable and at times can be actually painful, when all we can do it to wait on the Lord. Waiting takes up a lot of time even in our day to day lives. We wait at airports, doctors and dentist offices, even for an important call. There can be an experience of nothingness in waiting, sort of like the play “Waiting for Godot” by Samuel Beckett. For me what struck me about the play was the emptiness and boredom that was so evi

markdohle

markdohle

 

Waiting for one to go

The old couple with silence sat, Each at peace in the others presence, Almost one, their love so deep with passion still aflame, Though hidden behind soft smiles and gentle touches, Unnoticed by those around them. The bright flames of passion present in their youth Now burns deeper and steadier than in younger years. Tested by years of joy, and pain, and anxiety aplenty, Yet with love present if not always felt or understood. Now the flame burns steady its heat a comfort, thoug

markdohle

markdohle

 

Waiting and the experience of nothingness

Waiting and the experience of nothingness Sometimes I don’t have anything to write about, so I just sit and decide to just start to see what happens…like now for instance. I guess it is a form of waiting, the time between one event an another where there is ‘nothing’ pressing, no need to do anything, just wait. Sometimes waiting is pleasant, at others it is filled with a ‘nothingness’ that is heavy to endure. Like waiting in a large room with nothing their but one chair and only surround

markdohle

markdohle

 

Waiting

He lies calmly on his bed, A silent presence amidst the noise and chaos, Looking at nothing; Perhaps thinking about the end, Soon coming, His death, Thought not today or tomorrow, It is just coming, No longer an abstraction but something real. Doctors come and go, Nurses arrive, gentle yet precise in their work, A parade of sorts, Without the fanfare or music, Now this, and now that, Blood taken, Other samples needed, Blood sugar, high from infection, Also kidn

markdohle

markdohle

 

Waiting

Waiting I am having some health problems at this time. Not sure how serious it is; time will tell. I was talking to my Doctor today, who like me is a Christian (Catholic) and as we talked I was surprised that I told him that I think I am getting depressed over this. The pain will not go away and my energy level is low. I am also having trouble with my balance. In fact it may be an inner ear problem. I also said that at the same time I feel inner peace since I can still pray. He pause

markdohle

markdohle

 

Vulnerability/self protection

Vulnerability, the courage to drop self-protection Love calls us to face life fully, to embrace both the pain and the joy.  Sin is when we try to escape this vulnerability to existence and seek to protect ourselves.  This can be manifested in many ways.  Our addictions, the walls we build to keep others at bay, the suppression of our emotions and feelings etc.     I can say that I have learned this from experience and the healing that leads to a deeper ability to embrace life is a

markdohle

markdohle

 

Vist of an old friend

An old friend came to visit me last night with his son Mike. I have known Fred for over 30 years, 33 to be exact. He was a coach, a very good one from what I have heard, and he also did some writing on the subject. I have read some of his articles, and he was also good at that as well. I have always experienced Fred as a man of depth and intelligence, with a dry sense of humor, and who also speaks his mind if something is not to his liking. He used to visit me around Christmas every year,

markdohle

markdohle

 

Visit with William

Visit with William He looked at me with sad eyes Sitting with shoulders slumped Palms open as if in supplication Just wanting to understand They why of it all. My parents, Where are they? Not here I said but far away. No he responded They were here this afternoon Please let me see them. So it goes His obsession with family long dead His mother, sister, brothers, Longing to see them Laugh and joke with them Just to be once more in their presence. You will only

markdohle

markdohle

 

Visit with Edurado

Visit with Eduardo I went back the next morning to see how Eduardo was doing. Since I had not received a phone call during the night, I accepted to see him sitting up and awake. I arrived about 10 AM and sure enough he was looking like his old self. I needed to find out some things from him so that I could pass them on to Francis, his POA for medical decisions, if the time came when Eduardo could not speak for himself. He seemed at peace at his precarious situation and made it clear to me

markdohle

markdohle

 

Visit to a dying friend (2008)

Visit (2008) The hospital room was bigger than most, in some hospitals they are more like closets causing a constant domino effect when some one thing is moved, this chair, then the bed tray had to be re-situated, sink too close to the bed, a danger actually if a patient had trouble with balance, but not here, the room large and roomy, three chairs for guest and still room to stand and stretch; yes a very nice room. Dekalb medical center, off North Decatur road close to the city,

markdohle

markdohle

 

Visit from an old friend

This was written in 2006. Fred died in 2009. An old friend came to visit me last night with his son Mike. I have known Fred for over 30 years, 33 to be exact. He was a coach, a very good one from what I have heard, and he also did some writing on the subject. I have read some of his articles, and he was also good at that as well. I have always experienced Fred as a man of depth and intelligence, with a dry sense of humor, and who also speaks his mind if something is not to his liking. He used

markdohle

markdohle

 

Visit from a AA friend

I had a friend come by for a visit today with a young friend. Both belong to AA. I know that AA gets a lot of criticism from outsiders as well as those who tried it and left. Yet from my experience, those who stay, do the steps, are the humblest, most loving people you will ever want to know. They know themselves, know what they need to do. do the program, and when they fall, the take responsibility and get back on the wagon. The AA is a good community to belong too if you have trouble with

markdohle

markdohle

 

Vessels of healing

Vessels of healing People often talk of the cosmic battle that goes on between good and evil, as if it is somewhere else apart from our own lives. As if forces outside of ourselves were seeking us out. Perhaps there is truth to that; however it is the human heart, each one wherein the battle takes place. As we age, I feel that the interior battle increases, though the development of habits or virtues over the course of life is one our main defenses against the irrational and destructive

markdohle

markdohle

 

Vaster realms of understanding

Vaster realms of understanding “Tell souls not to place within their own hearts obstacles to My mercy, which so greatly wants to act within them. My mercy works in all those hearts which open their doors to it. Both the sinner and the righteous person have need of My mercy. Conversion, as well as perseverance, is a grace of My mercy.” (SR. Faustina’s dray 1577) Jesus is the Word, he is not owned by Christians, nor is our interpretation of our Scriptures some sort of magical formula to control

markdohle

markdohle

 

Useless

Useless It is useless to argue over the value of other systems of belief. Those who hold them and seek to deepen their understanding of reality will seek to defend their world view, for it is an extension of their very selves and their relationship with reality. If a person changes their belief system quickly, it is because it was never that deep to begin with. Many people I believe sell thems...elves short if they do not delve into their own faith history, to seek to understand what it means b

markdohle

markdohle

 

Uphill climb

Uphill climb I have come to the conclusion that there are aspects of myself that will always be a tad wild and out of control. Over long years of hit and miss I have come to the realization that all I can do is love those little devils and stop fighting them. I just offer them to the Lord and they seem to quiet down a bit. I suppose we all have thorns in our side that keeps us seeking inner balance. Maybe they are needed. There are times when I panic, then I look to the Lord and say, w

markdohle

markdohle

 

Upheld

The path we are on must be trod, Glass strewn along the way stepped upon, The thorns that hem us in, Their prick must be felt, Wounds that bleed dealt with. Fountains of living water we must bathe in, When the Sun of love comes our way it should be absorbed, Suffering, joy, pain, pleasure, All a part of our long difficult journey, Our pilgrimage towards we know not what. Hope must be cultivated, It roots allowed to take hold, Encouraging us along when things are dark,

markdohle

markdohle

 

Unyielding truth

Unyielding truth Sadness is a part of life a shade of color different from joy, and love brings its own suffering, allowing our humanity to come forth, to embrace the reality of the unyielding truth that our journey will end, all things pass; In what do we place our hope? On what do we ponder?

markdohle

markdohle

 

Until the time comes

Until the time comes Christ-mass is a time of pondering on the Child, born to us, one of us, the lover of us, the Infinite, that which is wholly other, took the form of helplessness, will understanding ever come to us, until that time comes, our worshiping power and war will continue perhaps until there is nothing left to adore.

markdohle

markdohle

 

Until the end

The years flow by effortlessly Like water down a shallow stream Flowing around obstacles moving ever forward, With nothing to stop it steady decline. It seeks that for which it was made, Reunion with the ocean its destination. At times stagnant, Also seasons when deep and slow, Peaceful, Raging torrents also endured, A ride that must be rode until the end.

markdohle

markdohle

 

Until it is our turn

Until it is our turn It is hard to watch someone suffer, confused not understanding, caught in endless thought loops from the past, thinking I am someone else, a friend from childhood, or perhaps from the military, the mind like a kaleidoscope endlessly turning with no rest. Tied in bed, with nowhere to run, or turn. O Lord I wonder why, but that is ok, for life goes on, we all do our best until it is each ones turn, to be taken care of or watched as we hang between life and

markdohle

markdohle

 

Unraveling of knots

Unraveling of knots (a saint who does not look like one) When working as retreat/guest master I have the honor of meeting many diverse people. It is true that the saying “one of the many” does apply to each of us. We share many traits with one-another. Human experience in all of its varieties are everyday occurrences, yet each unique as well. One thing we all have in common is that we all have conflicts and struggles that accompany all of us on our journeys through life. The better w

markdohle

markdohle

 

Unmasked

Unmasked Slowly the skin is peeled back, the ego faced with its nakedness, before unknown, though a desire to flee from self revelation present, its futility understood, f or once shown, to retrace is impossible; when blindness lost, no matter how precious, gone forever, t he darkness no longer a refuge from the gift presented. Sharp and true is the two edged knife of self knowledge, wounding the soul deeply; anxieties, pain, unstable, fearful of the t

markdohle

markdohle