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talking to myself

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About this blog

personal stuff

Entries in this blog

 

Dialysis waiting room

Dialysis waiting room I came in and sat down in the small waiting room, The people there were waiting their turn to be called in. Quiet, low key, perhaps tired, Some are better at dialysis than others, Many give it up since it is so hard on their bodies I sat down with my book and started to read, Then ever so softly I heard a soft humming, Gentle in its sound, Haunting in its unknown melody That touched me deeply. She was a small woman with a round face, Beautiful, with her skin bla

markdohle

markdohle

 

The deepening of our faith and trust

The deepening of our faith and trust The Christian life is not a constant high. I have my moments of deep discouragement. I have to go to God in prayer with tears in my eyes, and say,'O God, forgive me,' or 'Help me.'---Billy Graham Every human experience is important in our pilgrimage; not just joy and hope. The experience of doubt, sorrow and failure is also just as important. For it is then that we choose to trust and to turn to the Lord. All things will be brought o

markdohle

markdohle

 

A gentlewoman named Pam, her inner discovery

A gentlewoman named Pam, her inner discovery One of the perks of being retreat/guest master is that I get to meet so many wonderful, diverse, people.  One of these retreatants is a woman named Pam.  She is a very down to earth woman, who has a mature faith and has more than enough wisdom to share with others.  She is also deeply involved with helping those who are poor and on the fringe of society.  She is a little younger than me, but when she smiles, or laughs, she seems very young ind

markdohle

markdohle

 

“Where your treasure is there also will your

“Where your treasure is there also will your heart be” People in general, unless they have some sort of personality disorder, give the impression of wanting to be more truly human.  We admire those who display compassion and empathy, especially when it is directed towards us and we enjoy being around them.  We ponder concepts like ‘justice’ and ‘mercy’, though they are not easily achieved.  Injustice and the seeking of revenge appear to be the stronger force, but that is because when acte

markdohle

markdohle

 

Angel unwares

I meet Frank One day in 93 Came to the home On a mission Of mercy and care Or so he thought The one he came to see Was not happy A warning Something was amiss So he came and stayed for awhile Off his meds he was Crazy as a loon And such language Would make a truck driver blush He would smile sweetly And bow slightly And then start cursing vilely Causing waves of confusion In a usually quiet serene place I saw him Talked to him and said This is not wo

markdohle

markdohle

 

Unfinished symphonies

She at times drives me to distraction with her neediness, Calling me, just wanting to talk about things, Perhaps to cry over hurts she has accumulated, Or complains about her friend, The one she loves. Not young anymore, has not been for a long time, Nearing her 70’s, Yet like a teenager in her desires for someone, A man to come swooping in and save her, To ride off into the sunset, Which of course will never happen. She is intelligent, Well educated and articulate. It

markdohle

markdohle

 

observing a loving couple

Observing a loving couple Elias and I went to our PT appointment this morning. Elias had another doctor’s appointment later at 12:45; so we could not get back for lunch. We decided on a place to have lunch, won’t tell you its name, but it has great french-fries! As we sat down to eat, I noticed a woman in the both next to ours. I guess she was about 55, average looking and looking into at her smart phone. We gave a polite nod to each other and I started to eat my lunch. In a few minut

markdohle

markdohle

 

Dream about Thomas Merton in 1971 (Mark, what is a monk?)

Dream about Thomas Merton in 1971 (Mark, what is a monk?) When I was just a postulant here at the Monastery of the Holy Spirit, we did a reading at our mid-day office that had a very strong effect on me. I was not a positive one; in fact if brought me to the conclusion that I should leave the Monastery as soon as possible. So when the office was over I did not go on to lunch but went up to my cell. I was very angry about the reading and I guess wounded by it. So being tired, I li

markdohle

markdohle

 

Ideals and beliefs and human experiences

Ideals and beliefs and human experiences I have never been able to accept a materialist account of reality. I guess the brain weighs about 3lbs, wet meat, enclosed within the skull. Yet what goes on in the interior of this organ is truly astounding; well if it goes on there at all, for perhaps what we call our minds, is non-local, not situated anywhere. The human mind is truly a creative piece of work; for we humans are self aware, questioning creatures, seeking meaning in our lives. I woul

markdohle

markdohle

 

God's Kindness?

God’s kindness?   February 12—Nantes. 5:35 AM The Way of the Cross.  “As you meditate on the Stations of the Cross, look at My eyes and see in them nothing but the utmost kindness and love in the midst of the torture.” Bossis, Gabrielle. He and I (Kindle Locations 679-681). Pauline Books and Media. Kindle Edition. There is very little that I understand.  The older I get the more I am aware of this reality.  So if I live to be 99 and in good mental health, I will finally come to the co

markdohle

markdohle

 

The man with the prayer-shawl

The man with the prayer-shawl (I wrote this about a year and a half ago) Compline is our last prayer service (or divine office) of the day.  It is at 7:30 and probably the most beautiful of our services.  We pray the same prayers for Compline every night, so during the time of the year when the days are shorter it is sung in the dark.  It is also for me the hardest one to attend.  I am pretty tired at that time, for we get up early, so I guess 7:30 is more like 11:30 as far as my body is

markdohle

markdohle

 

What do I really believe?

What do I really believe? “Death is nothing else but going home to God, the bond of love will be unbroken for all eternity.” – Mother Teresa Many people believe that faith is some form of absolute assurance.  I do not believe that.  From my own limited experience, there will always be room for some doubt.  I think that is healthy and when ‘doubt’ is rejected and pushed underground it can manifest itself in other ways.  Being overly defensive as opposed to simply sharing one's faith a

markdohle

markdohle

 

To rekindle our ‘Child-Soul’

To rekindle our ‘Child-Soul’   April 15—I was listening to some children playing. “I love children. It is I who gave them all these delicate thoughts and feelings: complete trust, docility, a thirst for Jesus, candor and purity, absolute surrender and the forthright glance. You must keep the same sentiments with you right through life. For they come from Me and I so love to find them again in you when you are grown up. So find your child-soul again and give it to Me.”   Bossis, Gabrielle

markdohle

markdohle

 

A life changing moment

“This is how much I love you….At that moment my life changed.” I felt the urge to look up in the sky and suddenly or felt like … a stroke of love, which took me straight to the heart, in a very strong way. According to my watch, this experience lasted only three seconds, but it was very, very powerful. At that precise moment I felt that God was speaking to me and he was telling me: ” This is how much I love each of you, all over the world “.--María Vallejo-Nágera   People will often say

markdohle

markdohle

 

The healing that comes from Self-confrontation (which is a form of humility)

The healing that comes from Self-confrontation (which is a form of humility) How do we experience the new life that Jesus wishes us to have. I am going to say that humility is an important aspect of being able to allow the heart to become freer and open to life. Humility is often misunderstood to mean being unable to accept that one has gifts, or is intelligent, etc. Humility understands our giftedness. We all have gifts, some may seem more humble than others, but all are very impo

markdohle

markdohle

 

Trump Rap

Trump Rap I know this is not a good place to play, but I decided write some "Trump Rap". It is both in fun and serious. I get confused over politics, but can't say I trust this guy. Trump Rap Yo Yo, Gather round friends and listen to me I from the billionaire ghetto and I can be mean; I get what want when I want it, and if anyone gets in my way I just run them out for good I have a team of lawyers so I can what I please,

markdohle

markdohle

 

I wonder

I often wonder what it will be like for me when I get old. As I take care of my patients I often picture myself in their position in the not so distant future, and wonder if I won’t be saying over and over again “so that was what it was like”. Last night trying to clean Edmund, he got very angry at me, since he had no idea what I was doing. He did not want me to take off his wet clothes, or clean him. I spent about 30 minutes just talking softly to him, explaining what I was doing, which

markdohle

markdohle

 

Talk on Resentment, anger and forgiveness

Early years (2 years Old) put in foster home Became hyper self aware (still am) No one to depend on Just myself Hyper alert in a dark lonely place This is abandonment Something every child has to face at one time or another Mine came sooner rather than later. Had to be done Rent problems Parents came every weekend I withheld my affection knowing they were leaving again. Became self contained Impersonal towards others Unable to break this As the years stacked up. E

markdohle

markdohle

 

Remembering

Had lunch with Leo this Wednesday, and decided to try a new place for lunch. Probably did it more for me than for him, since I am not sure he remembers our trips, at least in a detailed manner. He always responds positively to the new images that he gets from his surroundings, and also likes the music that is played over the speaker system. That day they were playing R & B tunes which he seems to enjoy very much. As usual I had to show him how to use his straw for the tea, but he caugh

markdohle

markdohle

 

Perfection

The frog sat without movement Blinking in the mist laden air, Surrounded by fog and padded silence; Its color a bright green With eyes large and dark Lending a serene beauty As it patiently waited for whatever it needed Food or a mate I did not know As it sat unmindful of its perfection, Or the effect it had on me.

markdohle

markdohle

 

An encounter

I was parked in the Kroger parking lot here in Conyers, Ga., waiting for Ed to return from a stop he needed to make. As I sat in my car, making my brain even more dead by listening to talk radio, which seems to be saying, that the world is on the verge of being made into a smoothie, by the blender of the world situation. Just add some ice cream for flavor, and let Bush, or whoever is made the current villain, press the button. Add that to looking out on a very crowded parking lot and well you

markdohle

markdohle

 

The great difficulty

The inner world that each person has is truly an amazing phenomenon taken for granted; something so obvious and that often does not get much thought or attention. Yet it is what goes on in the inner universe that leads to the many different interpretation about what is really going on in the world outside, the world looked upon and the illusion that goes with it…… that objectivity is somehow reached in how events and people are weighed and judged. I lug around with me almost 58 years of exper

markdohle

markdohle

 

Thinking

There is a lot to think about when reading some of the sayings of Jesus. In the Gospel of Matthew he tells of the last judgment. In it he has those on his left (goats) and the rest on his right (lambs). Each goes to the place that seems suited for them. One is a place of union and the other of separation and isolation from the source of all life. What decides is something that is found in the depths of the soul, a place that perhaps only God can see, hence the ability to know where each bel

markdohle

markdohle

 

Winters slumber

The icy wind in winter, Shows the beauty of the heat of the sun, As it warms the skin against the winds chill. The dark blue winter skies Highlight the symmetry of stark branches Adorning trees in winter’s embrace, A work of art, So common yet each unique, Their simple presence bringing joy. The dancing leaves Also have their whirling song That soothes shattered nerves, Quieting the mind in contemplation. Cool nights In warm beds with covers thick, Bring a peace no

markdohle

markdohle