I am not sure how free I am, for as I age I still deal with the same issues, mostly because I have not fully faced some of them, a forestalling of pain, but in the end mote, for the pain only gets greater. Living in a finite world, there will be limitations that constrain us from freeing ourselves from suffering, or of even beginning to understand what it is all about. There are no black and white answers and those who seek them I feel limit their ability to open themselves up to po
I saw a cricket on my bathroom floor one morning and let it be. I have no problem with them. Then three days later I saw it again, and caught it put it in a large container and put in some food and water. I have had it for about 8 weeks now and it is still going strong. I guess oats is good for it.
About three weeks after I caught the first one, I found another cricket in my closet. So I caught it and placed it in the same container. Things went fine. Then one night I
Dialysis waiting room
I came in and sat down in the small waiting room,
The people there were waiting their turn to be called in.
Quiet, low key, perhaps tired,
Some are better at dialysis than others,
Many give it up since it is so hard on their bodies
I sat down with my book and started to read,
Then ever so softly I heard a soft humming,
Gentle in its sound,
Haunting in its unknown melody
That touched me deeply.
She was a small woman with a round face,
Beautiful, with her skin bla
The deepening of our faith and trust
The Christian life is not a constant high. I have my moments of deep discouragement. I have to go to God in prayer with tears in my eyes, and say,'O God, forgive me,' or 'Help me.'---Billy Graham
Every human experience is important in our pilgrimage; not just joy and hope. The experience of doubt, sorrow and failure is also just as important. For it is then that we choose to trust and to turn to the Lord. All things will be brought o
A gentlewoman named Pam, her inner discovery
One of the perks of being retreat/guest master is that I get to meet so many wonderful, diverse, people. One of these retreatants is a woman named Pam. She is a very down to earth woman, who has a mature faith and has more than enough wisdom to share with others. She is also deeply involved with helping those who are poor and on the fringe of society. She is a little younger than me, but when she smiles, or laughs, she seems very young ind
“Where your treasure is there also will your heart be”
People in general, unless they have some sort of personality disorder, give the impression of wanting to be more truly human. We admire those who display compassion and empathy, especially when it is directed towards us and we enjoy being around them. We ponder concepts like ‘justice’ and ‘mercy’, though they are not easily achieved. Injustice and the seeking of revenge appear to be the stronger force, but that is because when acte
I meet Frank
One day in 93
Came to the home
On a mission
Of mercy and care
Or so he thought
The one he came to see
Was not happy
Something was amiss
So he came and stayed for awhile
Off his meds he was
Crazy as a loon
And such language
Would make a truck driver blush
He would smile sweetly
And bow slightly
And then start cursing vilely
Causing waves of confusion
In a usually quiet serene place
I saw him
Talked to him and said
This is not wo
She at times drives me to distraction with her neediness,
Calling me, just wanting to talk about things,
Perhaps to cry over hurts she has accumulated,
Or complains about her friend,
The one she loves.
Not young anymore, has not been for a long time,
Nearing her 70’s,
Yet like a teenager in her desires for someone,
A man to come swooping in and save her,
To ride off into the sunset,
Which of course will never happen.
She is intelligent,
Well educated and articulate.
Observing a loving couple
Elias and I went to our PT appointment this morning. Elias had another doctor’s appointment later at 12:45; so we could not get back for lunch. We decided on a place to have lunch, won’t tell you its name, but it has great french-fries! As we sat down to eat, I noticed a woman in the both next to ours. I guess she was about 55, average looking and looking into at her smart phone. We gave a polite nod to each other and I started to eat my lunch. In a few minut
Dream about Thomas Merton in 1971
(Mark, what is a monk?)
When I was just a postulant here at the Monastery of the Holy Spirit, we did a reading at our mid-day office that had a very strong effect on me. I was not a positive one; in fact if brought me to the conclusion that I should leave the Monastery as soon as possible. So when the office was over I did not go on to lunch but went up to my cell. I was very angry about the reading and I guess wounded by it. So being tired, I li
Ideals and beliefs and human experiences
I have never been able to accept a materialist account of reality. I guess the brain weighs about 3lbs, wet meat, enclosed within the skull. Yet what goes on in the interior of this organ is truly astounding; well if it goes on there at all, for perhaps what we call our minds, is non-local, not situated anywhere. The human mind is truly a creative piece of work; for we humans are self aware, questioning creatures, seeking meaning in our lives. I woul
February 12—Nantes. 5:35 AM The Way of the Cross.
“As you meditate on the Stations of the Cross, look at My eyes and see in them nothing
but the utmost kindness and love in the midst of the torture.”
Bossis, Gabrielle. He and I (Kindle Locations 679-681).
Pauline Books and Media. Kindle Edition.
There is very little that I understand. The older I get the more I am aware of this reality. So if I live to be 99 and in good mental health, I will finally come to the co
The man with the prayer-shawl
(I wrote this about a year and a half ago)
Compline is our last prayer service (or divine office) of the day. It is at 7:30 and probably the most beautiful of our services. We pray the same prayers for Compline every night, so during the time of the year when the days are shorter it is sung in the dark. It is also for me the hardest one to attend. I am pretty tired at that time, for we get up early, so I guess 7:30 is more like 11:30 as far as my body is
What do I really believe?
“Death is nothing else but going home to God,
the bond of love will be unbroken for all eternity.” – Mother Teresa
Many people believe that faith is some form of absolute assurance. I do not believe that. From my own limited experience, there will always be room for some doubt. I think that is healthy and when ‘doubt’ is rejected and pushed underground it can manifest itself in other ways. Being overly defensive as opposed to simply sharing one's faith a
To rekindle our ‘Child-Soul’
April 15—I was listening to some children playing. “I love children. It is I who gave them all these delicate thoughts and feelings: complete trust, docility, a thirst for Jesus, candor and purity, absolute surrender and the forthright glance. You must keep the same sentiments with you right through life. For they come from Me and I so love to find them again in you when you are grown up. So find your child-soul again and give it to Me.”
“This is how much I love you….At that moment my life changed.”
I felt the urge to look up in the sky and suddenly or felt like … a stroke of love, which took me straight to the heart, in a very strong way. According to my watch, this experience lasted only three seconds, but it was very, very powerful. At that precise
moment I felt that God was speaking to me and he was telling me: ” This is how much I love each of you, all over the world “.--María Vallejo-Nágera
People will often say
Holy Feast of St. Therese 2019
Only God can see what is in the bottom of our hearts;
we are half-blind.—St. Therese of Lisieux
Two great sins that are very common, so common in fact that they are taken lightly. Something is sinful when we fail to love as commanded by our Lord. It is something that we do to ourselves, and along with it comes a self-wounding that leads to alienation from ourselves, others, and sadly in the end, if allowed to grow in our souls, from God. Self-hatred leads t
How I understand New Year's
I have always wondered about all the fuss about New Year's Eve. As I age I am beginning to understand a little bit more. At rock-bottom, it is about the desire to let go of the past, find healing, and begin again. It is about mercy, compassion, though I believe that this hope is often unconscious, Yet, we can be driven by the past, making the same mistakes, until we learn to embrace mercy, from God, from others, and in the end, to have mercy on ourselves as well. Wh
Liberal abortion laws (infanticide)
This is not about Trump, or liberals, but about basic human rights
I do not think that all posts on abortion are political in nature. I do not identify with any political party, as do many Americans. Independent voters are becoming more common. I do believe that abortion is a very serious symptom of a culture that has grown used to a certain kind of ‘rot’ and think it is normal. Sort of like the times before the civil rights movement. The corruption of ra
The healing that comes from Self-confrontation
(which is a form of humility)
How do we experience the new life that Jesus wishes us to have. I am going to say that humility is an important aspect of being able to allow the heart to become freer and open to life. Humility is often misunderstood to mean being unable to accept that one has gifts, or is intelligent, etc. Humility understands our giftedness. We all have gifts, some may seem more humble than others, but all are very impo
I know this is not a good place to play, but I decided write some
"Trump Rap". It is both in fun and serious. I get confused over politics, but can't say I trust this guy.
Gather round friends and listen to me
I from the billionaire ghetto
and I can be mean;
I get what want when I want it,
and if anyone gets in my way
I just run them out for good
I have a team of lawyers so I can what I please,
I often wonder what it will be like for me when I get old. As I take care of my patients I often picture myself in their position in the not so distant future, and wonder if I won’t be saying over and over again “so that was what it was like”.
Last night trying to clean Edmund, he got very angry at me, since he had no idea what I was doing. He did not want me to take off his wet clothes, or clean him. I spent about 30 minutes just talking softly to him, explaining what I was doing, which
Early years (2 years Old) put in foster home
Became hyper self aware (still am)
No one to depend on
Hyper alert in a dark lonely place
This is abandonment
Something every child has to face at one time or another
Mine came sooner rather than later.
Had to be done
Parents came every weekend
I withheld my affection knowing they were leaving again.
Became self contained
Impersonal towards others
Unable to break this
As the years stacked up.
Had lunch with Leo this Wednesday, and decided to try a new place for lunch. Probably did it more for me than for him, since I am not sure he remembers our trips, at least in a detailed manner. He always responds positively to the new images that he gets from his surroundings, and also likes the music that is played over the speaker system. That day they were playing R & B tunes which he seems to enjoy very much. As usual I had to show him how to use his straw for the tea, but he caugh
The frog sat without movement
Blinking in the mist laden air,
Surrounded by fog and padded silence;
Its color a bright green
With eyes large and dark
Lending a serene beauty
As it patiently waited for whatever it needed
Food or a mate I did not know
As it sat unmindful of its perfection,
Or the effect it had on me.