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talking to myself

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markdohle

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I first saw her as I entered into the unit,

An old woman perhaps in her eighties,

Frail looking as people of that age often look,

Bent over, very fired looking,

Safely placed in her chair,

Or perhaps imprisoned would be a better word,

Something very sad but necessary,

Yet I doubt that she understood the reason for it.

Both of her eyes blackened from what I do not know,

Though from abuse I doubt since she did not seem in physical pain.

I said “hi”,

She gave me a weak smile in return and I continued on.

William was disturbed and was glad to see me,

At first I was worried he was paranoid again

For his eyes had that look of fear and inner pain.

Thankfully this was not so,

Though for him it was something serious, immediate.

“I have no money he said, to pay for the food,

Two men had to leave because they could not pay”.

I could feel the anxiety flowing from him and the fear.

Of course he was hallucinating or trapped in some past event.

Rose was with me again and she stayed while I looked into the matter,

At least that is what we told William,

I merely stepped out for a minute pretending to deal with his problem,

Real to him, hence needed to be dealt with.

I saw the women with no name again,

Noticed that she was shivering, skin pale, miserable,

Missed it when I entered, I am not always observant of others,

There is so much I often miss, sad to say.

I got a blanket and wrapped her in it,

Not sure it would help,

Went back,

Told William everything was dealt with, so it is ok.

He said to Rose and I that he was afraid,

When he was by himself he would forget where he was at;

Everything strange, unfamiliar, frightening to him.

His disease continues to make inroads into his life,

Showing no mercy as it continues on its deadly march.

Concern over how we are going to be able to deal with this,

But deal with it we must, no other option will be considered.

We prayed for William and those in the unit,

Gave him the Eucharist,

Talked some more.

As we were going I could see he was afraid,

Alone again,

Another door closed that he can’t go through,

The lock keeping him from going outside,

Imprisoning in a place unfamiliar.

It is hard to do, but if I stay too long it only gets harder,

So we left.

Before I went out the door I said to him:

“Tomorrow I will bring you supper,

A hamburger, with only onions, fries and a coke”

His favorite food, oh yes and lots of salt,

He loves salt so.

He gave me a small smile.

When he hugs, he clings a bit.

So later today I will call so that supper will not be given him,

Take him supper and Eucharist.

There is so little I can do for him,

Perhaps it lets him know that he is still loved,

These little things done people do.

I often don’t know how I feel about things,

As if there is a box deep within and I keep my emotions there,

Something I wish were not so, but maybe necessary for me.

The lid however is not tightly locked; it opens from time to time,

Allowing feelings and emotions to be experienced.

I at times think the world is drowning in pain,

Yet,

I know this is not so,

There is joy as well, and yes love and concern,

Christ walks the earth in those around me,

We are his arms and hands that comfort.

He is also the one we comfort,

For Christ is not merely in us,

Christ is us, one to a degree not understood,

That is what immanence is all about,

It goes with transcendence,

They are one.

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