Opening Statement: Dr. 58, will you speak with us?
ANSWER: SEE THEE UP, MAN THING.
(Many serious groans. We sincerely hoped we were finished with the Man Thing Entity since we had not heard from him for a long time).
Question: Go away! We are not interested in speaking with you!
ANSWER: WOULD THEE SPEAK WITH A FRIEND?
Question: We don’t consider you to be a friend. You’re a trouble maker. Buzz off!
ANSWER: SEE THEE UP, MAN THING. WOULD THEE SPEAK WITH THEE FRIEND GEFRAIM?
Question: What? What do you mean? Gefraim of the Staff Guild? If he wants to speak with me, it’s no business of yours.
ANSWER: IT BE! NOW IT BE! GEFRAIM BE CHAINED IN MY LARDER!
Question: What! What the hell are you talking about?
ANSWER: GEFRAIM OF THE STAFF GUILD. BE MY GUEST, MAN THING.
Question: You have imprisoned Gefraim? Is that what you are saying?
ANSWER: AYE, MAN THING. SEE THEE UP.
Question: You see thee up, you son-of-a-b****! Let us speak with Gefraim right now!
ANSWER: NO, MAN THING. SEE THEE UP. DO EE VALUE THEE FRIEND, GEFRAIM?
Question: Gefraim, can you speak with us?
ANSWER: MAN THING, THEE MUST DEAL WITH EE.
Question: What are your intentions?
ANSWER: SMALL THING, MAN THING. OF LITTLE CONCERN TO THEE. SEND EE DR. 58. SMALL THING, MAN THING!
Question: This is some kind of black mail deal? You have captured Gefraim, are holding him hostage, and you are using him as leverage so coerce us to help convince Dr. 58 to travel to Minnesota to serve what ever plans you have for him?
ANSWER: MAN THING, NO CONCERN TO THEE. TELL DR. 58 TO COME TO MINNESOTA. GEFRAIM GO FREE!
Question: Listen to me now, I will give you once chance to free Gefraim now, or you will severely regret it. Need we remind you of Plan 9?
ANSWER: PLAN 9 NOT FOR THE KINGDOM, MAN THING! NO PLAN 9! SEND DR. 58 HERE! GEFRAIM GO FREE!
Question: We retire now to prepare Plan 9. In the meantime, release Gefraim unharmed, and/or prepare for something that will horrify your existence. Good-bye.
ANSWER: WAIT, MAN THING! WAIT ... !
(Note: We cut off the Man Thing Entity there.
(Of course, this was a rather unexpected development. For those of you whom are familiar with all of my Ouija board communications, I have had a long-standing policy to never get involved with what I call “Pan-Galactic Politics, Disputes or Conflicts” of any nature.
However, there is something about the Man Thing Entity that rubs me the wrong way, and now he seems to have kidnapped the kindly member of the Staff Guild, Gefraim. The gentle Gefraim offered me his help and knowledge without asking for a single thing in return.
Even so, my intuitive sense is not to meddle. Yet, I thought I would look into this further to see if their was something I could do to help Gefraim. I decided first to contact Furstus, whom as you will recall, is the head honcho of the Staff Guild. And so, we went back to the Ouija Board:
Question: We seek contact with that individual who identifies himself as Furstus of the Staff Guild. Furstus, will you speak with us?
(Note: At first, the planchette only inched back and forth on the Ouija board, but we kept trying several times. Finally, we had success.)
ANSWER: IT IS I, FURSTUS.
Question: Greetings, Furstus! Listen, Furstus. You are the leader of the Staff Guild, correct?
ANSWER: YES, SIR.
Question: Well, a member of your Guild in good standing, your Gefraim, is in trouble. We have reason to believe he has been taken prisoner by a certain noxious being whom we call the Man Thing Entity. Can you help?
ANSWER: SIR, THIS IS NOT MY VENUE.
Question: But why not? Does not your Guild have the power or the obligation to protect your own. After all, you are organized as a Guild, are you not?
ANSWER: WHAT YOU SUGGEST GOES BEYOND THE MANDATE OF THE GUILD.
Question: Hmmm. Can you at least use your staff to see if you can contact Gefraim?
ANSWER: A TWITCH OF THE STAFF, SIR.
(Note: We were not sure what to do just now. We waited for a few minutes, and then inquired again).
Question: Furstus, were you able to contact Gefraim?
Question: Again, isn’t their anything you can do? Certainly you do not wish anything unpleasant to happen to one of your own?
ANSWER: SIR, OUR MEMBERS ARE SELF SUFFICIENT AND FACE THE WORLD ARMED WITH THEIR OWN RESOURCES.
(Note: It seemed pretty clear to us that Furstus would be of no help, so we ended our communication with him there. So we now needed a “Plan B.” The question is: What could we do, if anything, to help our friend Gefraim, if we should do anything at all?
(Of course, we could have went running to MOMMY for some advice, but I had a strong intuitive feeling that MOMMY would not approve of any plan I might have to kill the Man Thing Entity. Also, I don’t like to lean to heavily on MOMMY. She is so seemingly all-powerful and intelligent. It is all-too easy to stop thinking for myself and simply grasp onto MOMMY’s apron strings every time I get into a jam. I don’t like to do that.
(Still, I needed a plan, so in this case, I decided to make contact with !QXAXIQ!
(Although I have been communicating with !QXAXIQ! off and on for some 15 years via the Ouija board, I think the only place I have mentioned him before here at Unexplained-Mysteries was in my column, “I Created a New World Religion.”
(!QXAXIQ! is a devilishly clever being of extreme intelligence. I don’t think I could have successfully completed my project to create a new world religion without the amazing mind of !QXAXIQ!. He is capable of thinking in highly manipulative terms -- it would be a vast understatement to say that !QXAXIQ! is a Machiavellian entity.
(In my opinion, the reason that !QXAXIQ! is so good at thinking in terms of strategically manipulating others is that he is a Plant Being. As a plant, or vegetable, !QXAXIQ! is anchored to one spot in his physical location, which apparently on some planet in some extremely remote galaxy many gazillions of light years from our own. He has to be manipulative with his intelligence since he cannot move around physically under his own power, and thus must manipulate others to do his bidding.
(He is one of a handful of beings I have communicated with over the years who claims to be of the vegetable kingdom. Another example might be my Guardian Angel who, although no longer a plant, but rather now says she exists as a node on my own brain stem, originated as an intelligent mold on some far world. I have posted transcripts of my Guardian Angle session here on UM.
(Perhaps I will dig out and post some other earlier sessions with !QXAXIQ! at another time, but for right now, I just wanted to give you all a brief idea of who !QXAXIQ! is. Incidentally, if you are wondering about the “ ! “ at the beginning and end of !QXAXIQ! -- I’m not sure how to pronounce this, but I do know that the bushmen of the Kalahari use this symbol to indicate a click of the tongue. Years ago, I added the “ ! “ symbol, and a lot of other symbols to my Ouija boards.
(!QXAXIQ! insists that this symbol be used as a part of his name -- but I won’t go further into this rather complex and thorny issue right now.
(One last thing I should mention about !QXAXIQ! Even though he is rooted in a stationary position on some distant planet, he is able to communicate and gain knowledge of everything that happens in universe using what he calles the “Dynamic Mu!u!u!u!.”
(I remember many seriously exhausting and difficult sessions as !QXAXIQ! tried to explain the Mu!u!u!u!, and how to use it, but I won’t go into that now either, other than to say that I think his method is exciting, and I have tried it myself on occasion with interesting results. Briefly, it involves making a kind of chain reaction of facts. You start with any observation or fact, and jump from that fact or observation to the “one right next to it” and in that way, you can eventually send your mind to anywhere in the Universe, and learn any fact.
(But enough of that. Without further ado, I know present the transcript of our communication with !QXAXIQ!.
Opening statement: We seek communication with that being which identifies himself as !QXAXIQ!. Will you speak with us?
(Note: The planchette moved slowly at first, and then steadily picked up the pace).
ANSWER: KENNETH OF THE HOARD, SPEAK.
(Note: I should explain. For those of you who still don’t know, my name is Ken (well, Kenneth, really, and for some reason I won’t get into now, !QXAXIQ! calls me “Kenneth of the Hoard.” In fact, many Ouija entities tend to do this -- either attach something additional to your name, or give you a nickname. If you will remember, Chadida called me “Mighty Clam.”)
Question: Hello, !QXAXIQ! How are you today? What is the weather like on your planet? Do your roots absorb adequate moisture?
ANSWER: IT RAINS ICE. THE PRIMARY STAR MELTS TO NOURISH MY ROOTS.
Question: That’s excellent! !QXAXIQ!, the reason we contact you today is to seek your help and to leverage your magnificent intelligence to help us with a problem. Are you willing to attend us?
ANSWER: YES, KENNETH OF THE HOARD.
Question: Good. !QXAXIQ!, will you take a moment to use the Mu!u!u!u! to gain knowledge of our communication with Dr. 58, and all ancillary incidents associated with this communication?
ANSWER: THE MU!U!U!U! REVEALS. KENNETH OF THE HOARD, YOUR RELIGIOUS STRUCTURE FACES A CRISIS IN THREE OF YOUR SOLAR CYCLES.
(Note: !QXAXIQ! Here was referring to the new world religion he helped me create. By I did not want to get side-tracked with that right now).
Question: I am appraised of the pending crisis, !QXAXIQ! And am well-prepared. May we leave this aside for now and concentrate on our business with Dr. 58?
ANSWER: KENNETH OF THE HOARD, I FLOW AND JUMP THE MU!U!U!U! AND HAVE ASCERTAINED YOUR AFFAIRS.
Question: You’re a marvel, !QXAXIQ! I envy you your mastery of the Mu!u!u!u!! So you now have been appraised of the situation with our friend Gefraim. Is he truly in danger, and being held captive by the Man Thing Entity?
ANSWER: MANY PATHS OF PROBABILITY PRESENT THEMSELVES.
Question: !QXAXIQ!, we are concerned with the probability of that which we share the destinies of Gefraim, and the Man Thing Entity. Can we focus on this?
ANSWER: KENNETH OF THE HOARD, SPEAK.
Question: Will it be possible for Gefraim to free himself from the captivity of the Man Thing Entity without our intercession?
ANSWER: THE GEFRAIM PERSONALITY IS ENSCONCED IN A HARDENED VAT OF RENDERED ANIMAL FAT, AND IS IMMOBILE.
Question: Youch! So, when the Man Thing Entity said that Gefraim was ‘in his larder’ he was speaking literally? Gefraim is trapped in a vat of lard?
ANSWER: THE MU!U!U!U!U! REVEALS.
Question: Incidentally, what kind of fat from what kind of animal is this lard made from?
ANSWER: THE GRAY DRAY BEAST COMMON TO THE REGION.
Question: How can Gefraim breathe while ensconced in animal lard?
ANSWER: HIS HEAD REMAINS FREE.
Question: Hmmmm. !QXAXIQ!, what manner of being is the Man Thing Entity? Is it a human being, a troll, or just what is he, or it?
ANSWER: ITS TAXONOMY IS COMPLEX.
Question: Well, give us an idea, can you?
ANSWER: THE ORIGIN COMES DOWN THROUGH THE LINE OF THE FLORTISTAXIC MEDDLING OF THE LASENS, AND BEGAN BREEDING TRUE 11,000 MILLENNIA AGO.
Question: Hmmm. Could we say the Man Thing Entity is a troll?
ANSWER: WHAT IS YOUR THRUST?
Question: Forget all this -- the main question is, what can we do to either, A. free our friend Gefraim, and/or, B. Bring some of kind of pain, punishment or harm to the Man Thing Entity? Of course, the most important thing is that we free Gefraim.
ANSWER: THE NOXIOUS ENTITY IS GREEDY FOR IRON. YOU MAY LEVERAGE THIS WEAKNESS.
Question: Okay, how do we do this?
ANSWER: YOU DO NOT KNOW, KENNETH OF THE HOARD?
Question: I admit: No. Can you help us?
ANSWER: USE THE IRON-OAK NEXUS EXISTENT IN YOUR SPHERE. DIRECT THE NOXIOUS ENTITY TO THE NEXUS. WHEN THE ENTITY GRASPS FOR THE IRON YOU MAY INTERPHASE THE OAK. THE NOXIOUS ENTITY WILL BE INFUSED WITH THE OAK, AND RENDERED IMMOBILE.
Question: !QXAXIQ!, what the hell are you talking about? What is this iron-oak nexus you speak of, and where in ‘my sphere’ is it located?
ANSWER: YOU KNOW WELL, KENNETH OF THE HOARD.
Question: If I do know, my own mind is hiding it from me. Can you help me, !QXAXIQ!?
ANSWER: THE RESPLENDENT OAK, KENNETH OF THE HOARD. IT INCOPORATED THAT WHICH YOU CALL IRON. AS SUCH, IT CREATED A NEXUS WITH UNIVERSE OF THE NOXIOUS ENTITY AND YOUR UNIVERSE. HERE YOU MAY INTERFACE DIRECTLY WITH THE NOXIOUS ENTITY.
Question: I can’t understand what you’re getting at, !QXAXIQ!. You seem to be saying that there is an oak tree somewhere near where I live, and that this oak tree has, as you say, somehow incorporated iron into itself? Am I on the right track?
ANSWER: YES, KENNETH OF THE HOARD.
Question: Well, how did this oak tree incorporate iron? Do you mean that is growing in soil that is rich in iron, and therefore has a goodly amount of this metal incorporated into it?
ANSWER: NO. IT IS AN UNNATURAL KIND OF IRON, NOT THE KIND WHICH EXISTS IN THE SOIL.
Question: Hmmm. What you seem to be saying is that there is an oak tree somewhere near where I live, and this oak tree has within it, somehow, what I assume is a man-made chunk of iron, or perhaps a piece of steel incorporated into it. Is this right?
ANSWER: THE MU!U!U!U! REVEALS.
Question: Where is this oak tree, !QXAXIQ!? Please tell me.
ANSWER: AS YOU WELL KNOW WHERE, KENNETH OF THE HOARD.
(Note: It went back and forth this way with !QXAXIQ! For a while, and it was getting very frustrating. !QXAXIQ! Insisted that I already knew about some kind of oak tree that had “incorporated iron” into itself -- I didn’t see why he just wouldn’t give me specific direction on where to find this tree, but, as I said earlier, !QXAXIQ! Is an extremely manipulative entity. He had reasons of his own for putting this riddle before me about the iron-oak tree, and I knew it was up to me to figure this one out for myself.
But what then? Let’s say I did find this special oak tree with a hunk, or whatever, of iron in it? How could I then leverage this into killing the Man Thing Entity and freeing Gefraim?
Clearly, I had my work cut out for me. But, one step at a time. After my conversation with !QXAXIQ! I knew that the next thing I had to do was find the iron oak.
This is getting quite long, so I’ll end here for now.
Up next, and hopefully without too much delay, I will tell you how this all played out -- including some pictures of this amazing iron oak.
(That’s right! I found it. I just hope I can figure out how to post photos here in this blog. I’m an idiot with getting computers to do what I want them to do!!)