Opening Statement: We open our minds and send forth our consciousness, seeking that individual known as Furstus, Master of the Staff Guild.
(Note: The planchette at first only creaked back and forth as if clogged with interdimensional static, so we tried again, several times, and finally were rewarded with letter selections from the board.)
ANSWER: SIR, THY NEEDS?
Question: Greetings! Do we speak with Furstus of the Staff Guild?
ANSWER: YES, SIR
Question: Tell me, Furstus, do you have news of Gefraim?
ANSWER: SIR, NO.
Question: Furtus, what I’m trying to find out, if by luck or chance or by perhaps by Gefraim’s own resourcefulness, if he was he able to free himself from his imprisonment at the hands of that beast we call the Man Thing Entity. Can you tell us anything?
ANSWER: A TWITCH OF THE STAFF, SIR. (Long Pause). SIR, GEFRAIM REMAINS IN BONDAGE.
Question: Is he alive and well?
ANSWER: SIR, WE ASCERTAIN HE IS ALIVE.
Question: Why can’t you help him?
ANSWER: SIR, THIS IS NOT OUR WAY BY ANCIENT WRIT.
Question: I was afraid you would say that. Furtus, let me ask you this. I received instruction from Gefraim as to the proper crafting of my own Staff. Gefraim advised me to select willow as the basis for my personal Staff. I now have reason to believe that oak will be a better choice for my needs. Will this be in compliance with the strictures of the Staff Guild?
ANSWER: GEFRAIM COUNSELED WILLOW?
Question: Yes. May I select oak instead? Obviously, Gefraim himself is not available to advise me.
ANSWER: SIR, I WOULD REFER THEE TO BUULDE. A TWITCH OF THE STAFF, SIR.
(Note: We assumed this ‘Buulde’ was some other representative of the Staff Guild. Why we were being passed on to him seemed unusual, but I suppose The Staff Guild works in mysterious ways!)
Question: Are we to believe we are in contact with Buulde?
ANSWER: SIR, I AM BUULDE.
Question: Are you also a member of the Staff Guild, Mr. Buulde?
ANSWER: SIR, I AM NOT MRBUULDE.
Question: Hmmm. You are not “Mr.” Buulde. Are you Miss or perhaps Maid Buulde?
Question: Are you a male or a female?
ANSWER: SIR, I AM ADJUTANT TO THE STAFF GUILD.
Question: Are you a human being? A person?
ANSWER: NOT NECESSARILY, SIR.
(Note: Grab my head. Moan. Look across at my Ouija co-pilot, Brian. I say, “For Christ’s sake!” Brain shrugs. We continue).
Question: What exactly are you in your capacity as Adjutant to the Staff Guild?
ANSWER: SIR, I AM ADJUTANT TO THE GUILD.
Question: Well what the hell ARE you … a … a ... GOBLIN?
Question: Ahhhhh!!! Do you manifest in physical form? At least tell us that!
ANSWER: YES, SIR.
(Note: Again, as always seems to be the case involving Dr. 58 crappola, we must seriously resist being drawn into another rabbit hole. I discipline myself to move on with the business at hand).
Question: (Deep breath). Buulde, Furstus referred my case to you. I have a simple question. I have been advised by Gefraim to construct my personal Staff using willow wood. I have reason to believe that I should select oak as my substance of choice. Will there be any problem with using oak wood rather than willow wood for my Staff?
ANSWER: SIR, GEFRAIM IS OF THE GUILD IN GOOD STANDING. PERHAPS WILLOW WILL SUIT YOUR NEEDS?
Question: Let me tell you something about our friend Gefraim – he is not standing as well as he used to be. He is imprisoned in a vat of lard. Does this concern you, and can you be of aid to Gefraim in your capacity as Adjutant to the Guild?
ANSWER: SIR, GUILD PRECEPTS ARE CLEAR IN THIS REGARD.
Question: Okay. So, to my primary question as to the oak. Can is choose oak over willow and will my work still be sanctioned in the eyes of the Staff Guild?
ANSWER: SIR, I MUST TAKE YOUR REQUEST TO CONCLAVE WHERE I WILL APPEAL ON YOUR BEHALF.
Question: What!!!!???????????? Jeepers, I can’t believe this is such a big deal! You have to discuss this whole issue with some kind of conclave of …. What? …. Staff Guild members?
ANSWER: SIR, THE CONCLAVE IS THE VENUE TO RESOLVE THE ISSUE.
Question: Well, how long will it take to make a decision?
ANSWER: SIR, THE CONCLAVE CANNOT BE GUIDED BY TIME, ONLY BY CORRECTNESS.
Question: (Moans! Moan, moans, moans!) Well, why don’t you guys just all grab your Staffs, march over to wherever Gefraim is being held and maybe … I don’t know … twitch your Staffs, or use them to blast some kind of heat rays, or something, and win freedom for Gefraim so that he can help me personally?
ANSWER: SIR, YOUR HELPFUL SUGGESTION DOES NOT ENJOY THE ADVANTAGE OF PRACTICALITY.
Question: I was afraid you would say something like that. Well, when can I expect the Conclave to act upon my request?
ANSWER: SIR, THE CONCLAVE CANNOT INCORPORATE TIME IN ITS PROCEEDINGS.
Question: Whateeeevvvveeerrrr! I guess I will have to check back with you in the near future. How about if I contact you again in a few hours, later today?
ANSWER: SIR, THE INCLUSION OF TIME WOULD NOT …”
Question: Alright! Alright! No time! No time! I will check back with you in context of the Eternal Singularity of the Now! How’s that?
ANSWER: SIR, I, BUULDE, WILL FAITHFULLY ADJUDICATE YOUR CONCERN AT THE CONCLAVE.
Question: Thank you, Buulde! I know I can count on you, Buulde! I will check back with you. Good-bye!
PLEASE VISIT: MINNESOTA PARANORMALA