Well I have to say this is not for the feint of heart. I have not written in my journal yet.... I'm stil digesting what I just did.
Long story short in some meditations this night, morning whatever it is, In my persuit of duel concousness and the little bit of recent encouragement. I ran across something that no one should attempt unless you are fully prepared to face your animal self. I have been at at this for a while and I am still not totally sure if it was for better or worse.
I managed to slip myself into sort of a fully lucid hypnogogia. I had full motor function but in a complete altered state. It was voluntary. I was holding this state on purpose but I had never been here before, so I was curious.
Let's just say that the fearful animal inside of the Human mind is a powerful force. I felt the old dread presence... But not being out of body I had nothing to face. I decided to explore a bit. Television was hell. Every face contorted and changed in some way that just made everything look evil. Only children's faces did not. Knowing I was in an altered state I tried very hard to control it... But they all had some sort of horrendous plot against me. I almost ended the whole thing, but I was not going to leave things like that. "Never stop practice because a bad fall"
I maintained the walking meditation while I went to the bathroom. I cant explained it accurately, but I could hear everything.... Every tiny movement of my sweat shirt, my feet, the television. I thought I could hear my kids moving around upstairs. Cars somewhere outside, wind, the buzz of the lights. Everything.... it was maddening... And it was all out to get me!!!!! I did not end it or react out of sheer stuburness. I knew that my animal self that part of us that comes from some sort of rodent in our evolutionary past was rearing it's head. I refused to let it win.
When I was finished with the longest pee of my life,
( that's how you know im not a liar.... Who else would maintain a hellish Altered state while taking a p*** just to proove something to himself )
I looked up. I had been keeping my head down because I knew something was in the mirror... Me.. I know what mirrors do to a lot of people in altered states. I had to reconcile that had been avoiding facing my mirror image. ( I know Somone is going to go all Freudian on er... But this is more basic than that...)
Sure enough my face was evil and contorted. Like some horror movie.... But on subtle ways that seemed to change all the time. Again like the person in the mirror had a horror plot against me.
Again I almost ended it. But I wanted to beat this. I continued starring at myself wrestling with it. I wanted to force it into being normal. I don't know how long I stood there. I could still hear everything in the house. I could swear my kids were running around uptstairs.
It was not until I gave up and whispered harshly " fine! I dont give a ****!" then my face snapped back. It was bright, flushed, wonderful.... I'm not a vain person at all with my looks I consider myself average, but for the first time in my life i looked awesome. I liked everything I saw. Except that my pupils had grown to nearly replace my irises. It looked like I was on drugs ( I do not do drugs). I was still altered. I ended up walking ouside. I had to hold my hand out to keep focus and hold all the demonic things I was conjuring from every shadow. I had to resist the Urg to yell at them.... Yelling at invisible creatures in my side yard is sure to finish me off on the crazy list. At least I was doing this to myself on purpose. I did not want it to stop because I was afraid. I wanted to end it on my own terms. I did. But it took a while twice I almost freaked and ended the altered state. It was not as difficult as AP to hold. I can't explain it.. Like a different corodoor of the mind turning left instead of right.
After pacing back end forth for a while, I was able to get rid of most of the anxiety. When I felt like I had control ( barely) I went back into the house. I checked myself one more time in the mirror... Still good... I closed my eyes and brought myself out of trance. All the noises faded, my pupils stayed dialated for a while. I felt like I was going to explode with energy. Like restless leg syndrome all over my body..... And I vowed to never do that again. Im pushing a little to close schitzo for my comfort level... It's time to take a break.
Do not attempt this!!!!!!
I am well prepaired but I am done with this. Bringing your full animal self out while maintaining body functions is a risky move. It was quite a shocked... I'm still not fully recovered. Adrenaline was coursing through me like a drug and I puked not long after. There is even a linger of that problem looking at faces. But also people look so much better looking even guys now that I know what they can look like.
I have herd of some hindus and shaman Persuing things like this... But for me I don't see the point at this point other than to proove to myself I have mastered those awful irrational fears.
That was a doozy I'm going to have to sit on that one a long time. Come to find out my wife did not sleep a wink either.... My kids and baby actually were waking up all night. I was really hearing them run around. There seems to be disturbance in everyone's sleep when I go off the deep end. I will not do anything like this at home ever again. I will never do this one again at all.
Don't play with this one folks I could easily see Somone crossing lines hear. I think I may have.